Dream Like New York

Things have been a bit shit of late. He's sleeping a lot but relieved to have him home resting in our own bed

Who: Merlin Blake and Brandon Blake
What: Pseudo-Date Night
Where: Blake Home, Upper East Side, NYC
When: After this and this

It had been a bit of a surreal few days for Brandon and he wasn't too sure how he was supposed to be feeling. He deduced that it should probably be something more able to be put into words but it wasn't and he only became conscious of that when Merlin asked him a very specific question in their DM chat. And because his husband specifically asked him to take the time to think about it before trying to answer, he did. A lot. Not that it was terribly productive and even that made him wonder more what the hell really was supposed to be going on in his mind after being diagnosed with cancer for the second time and being told he was no longer in remission.

All he had come to be feeling about that was a strange numbness. After the initial shock of the news and upset at having to tell the people he loved, this blanket feeling of detachment to it settled over him, like he was resolved to the fact he had to go through the motions - as horrible as they were to think about - yet again. This time, there was no choice but to fight. It was no longer just about him and his life. For him, it was more about Merlin now. Merlin was his life and therefore, he had to fight for his life again, whatever it took. It was what it was. But now Merlin highlighted it, he was wondering if it was a healthy state of mind to be in. With Beau out sick from work, he didn't even have anyone he could ask if this was normal or healthy to be feeling or if he was dangerously deluding himself. But whatever it was, he didn't want it to be all-encompassing at this moment. He and Merlin were going to have a pseudo-date in bed with some quality time together they both very much needed to recalibrate and catch their breath.

So, with Merlin's diet now even further restricted after his surgery and him not really having much of an appetite for any of the recovery staples the dietitian had suggested he have until his insides healed a little more, Brandon picked up a couple of pints of non-dairy Ben & Jerry's KaramelSutra (Merlin's new favourite), a thermos flask of gourmet oat milk peppermint hot chocolate, and a giant bag of Jolly Ranchers, Merlin's favourite candy. He also stopped by Lorenzo's florist and chose a beautiful bouquet of two dozen long-stemmed blue and white roses like they had for their wedding.

He found Merlin propped up in their bed amongst a mound of pillows and fluffy blankets, Ted Lasso on the TV on the wall opposite their bed, and his laptop open on his lap. He was crashed out with his phone on his chest and head lolled to the side like he had fallen asleep mid-text or mid-Twitter scroll or something. Brandon wasn't surprised. Merlin had been sleeping a lot since he was in hospital and Brandon knew all too well that if you slept a lot because you weren't well, it meant your body needed it. He was going to raincheck their pseudo-date and let Merlin sleep, but as soon as he took the remote to turn the TV down, kissing Merlin's forehead softly, Merlin woke up, his sleepy eyes looking around in confusion. Brandon laughed softly. "I was trying not to wake you, sweetheart. You should sleep while the pain's controlled. We can do this any time." Still, he rested his hand on the bed so he could lean over and give Merlin a kiss, smiling. "Hi."

Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake with Autumn MacDonald, Montana Everitt, and Olympia Duvall
What: More Difficult Conversations
Where: Blake Residence, NYC
When: Simultaneous to this

Merlin squeezed Brandon’s arm and stopped walking, biting his lip and taking some deep breaths to try to breathe through the pain in his stomach. “Hold on, darlin’. Wait.” They were making their way slowly through the lobby of their apartment building after Brandon had given his keys to the valet to take his car to the parking garage. Merlin was significantly out of place in the luxury marble-floored, marble-columned, leather-sofa’ed lobby in his well-loved Baby Yoda pyjama pants, black Ugg boots, and fluffy blue hoodie bathrobe. He had been too uncomfortable with the post-surgery pain that changing out of his PJs into clothes just for the short trip home was silly, especially when he was just going home to bed anyway.

Brandon was holding Merlin securely around his waist, making sure not to squeeze him too tightly. He had Merlin’s backpack slung over his shoulder and a couple of sick bags stashed in the pocket of his leather jacket that Miles had given him ‘just in case’ for the trip home. Overall, Merlin was doing really well since his op but there was still inevitable pain and some nausea here and there considering the sort of operation it was. Mile said patients who had had abdominal surgery could feel sick again when they moved around a bit more to go home, so it was better to be prepared than be caught short if it happened. They were assured it would all settle down in the coming days and he would probably feel much better being home in his own bed to rest anyway. “It’s okay. Just rest if you need to. We can take it as slow as you need. Do you want to sit for a minute?”

“No, I’m okay. I just wanna keep going so I can go to bed. It’s just hurting to move.” Merlin took a few more moments to rest before he started shuffling forward again, walking much like a geriatric on their way to the nursing home’s weekly bingo match. He really had not anticipated how much the surgery he had would hurt, which probably wasn’t a bad thing at the time or he would’ve had a lot more anxiety about the procedure when he was already emotionally overwrought.

( Sure, the laparoscopic surgery was less invasive but he still had six holes in his gut they had used to dig giant probes around in his insides with... )

LOG, COMPLETE

Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake
What: Leukemia v2.0
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: After this

“Bran… Bran? Shit— Bran, you gotta wake up, darlin’. Seriously, wake up!”

Brandon struggled out of a deep sleep hearing his name but abruptly jolted awake with the desperate tapping on his arm, closely followed by a shaking of his shoulder. He peeled his eyes open, squinting against the light that assaulted them and realised it was Merlin trying to wake him up urgently. He must’ve fallen asleep lying on the hospital bed with him after Tara and Beau left without realising, so he was groggy and disoriented for a few moments. “... wha—?”

“The edge of the blanket’s stuck under your butt. I can’t get it off my legs. I need to go to the bathroom, like, now. Seriously, baby. Move. Please? Or this ain’t gonna end well.” With a panicked whimper, Merlin tugged sharply at the blanket to try to release, already awkwardly half out of bed and hanging onto his IV pole to take with him once he was untangled from the blanket and Brandon’s embrace.

“Fuck, sorry. Sorry! I’ll help you.” Brandon disentangled himself from the sheets to shove the blanket off his legs, trying to help Merlin up at the same time. That was when he was rudely reminded he was attached to an IV too and nearly pulled the damn thing out of his hand when the tube caught around Merlin’s elbow. “They said this wouldn’t happen!”

( Now his legs were free, Merlin stiffly shuffled his ass to the edge of the bed, one hand holding the IV pole and the other clutching his stomach... )

LOG, COMPLETE

Who: Tara Campbell, Beau Watson, Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake
What: Results
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: After this and this

As promised, Jaxson woke Brandon up later that afternoon and he had to admit, having a good few hours of steady sleep definitely helped him feel a bit better and his head didn’t feel so much like it had a demonic jackhammer going off inside his skull. It took him awhile to fully wake up and battle dragging himself out of the warm cocoon of their bed so before heading back to the hospital, he decided to take the bath he had been planning with the muscle soak before Cillian had intercepted him in the lobby.

It gave him a lot of time to think lying there in bubbles letting the warm water soothe all the aches and pains through his body. Not to mention, bathing actually made him begin to feel human again. When he got back to the hospital to see Merlin, he was freshly shaven and his still slightly damp hair was combed back from his face. He opted for a comfortable pair of grey sweatpants and a soft white Balmain knit sweater because he planned on visiting with Merlin for as long as he was allowed.

( Merlin was out for the count when he arrived so Brandon asked to speak to his doctor to get some updates on how he had been... )

LOG, COMPLETE

Who: Brandon Blake and Cillian O'Donovan
What: What the fuck?
Where: Upper East Side, NYC
When: After this

It was a short drive home from the hospital, but it was enough for Brandon to doze off when he made the mistake of closing his eyes while he tried to keep his head propped up with his hand. He was woken with a gentle pat to his shoulder from his driver who had been working with him for years now, so Brandon trusted him completely. Very much wasn’t the first time Brandon had crashed out on a journey. Definitely wouldn’t be the last.

“Thanks, Franklin,” he mumbled, peeling off his seatbelt and shoving it over his shoulder, giving his hand an annoyed shake when the belt tangled around his wrist. Franklin got out and came around to open his door for him. Pain radiated through his hip and lower back when he climbed out of the car and he almost fell, grabbing the door so he didn’t faceplant the sidewalk. Franklin had hurriedly held out a hand to help him but Brandon righted himself on the pavement with a wave of his hand, swinging the door closed behind him. “I’m okay, thanks. It’s fine. I’m fine. Just been a hell of a few days. Take the next few days off, bud. I’ll mostly be at the hospital with Merlin. I’ve postponed everything for work.”

( He wasn’t really fine... )

LOG, COMPLETE

Hey, Jess. Sorry, I know it's the middle of the night & I dunno if you'll even get this but Merlin's really unwell. I dunno if I should wait until morning to take him to a doctor or take him to the hospital tonight which he doesn't wanna do. Or even just get an ambulance. He's in a lot of pain. I'm freaking tf out.

Who: Brandon and Merlin Blake
What: Instant Regret
Where: Merlin & Brandon's Apartment, Upper East Side
When: After this and this

When Brandon woke up the first time after his completely unintentional bender, it was sheer and utter instant regret. He'd be lying if he said he couldn't remember the last time he felt that sick but it would be a lie, considering the nightmare he went through with treatment for leukemia. Sure, he had survived it - so far - and the treatment worked - also so far - but none of that was anything he would forget for a very long time. He just had to learn the lesson the hard way that 1) probably not a good idea to mix liquor with certain medications that he was taking multiple of, and 2) it had been so long since he last drank, and since then he had almost died from cancer, that his body wouldn't have the booze tolerance it used to. A couple of shots, maybe a beer, was all he set out to have to lament the terrible fight he had with Merlin. Also very unintentional. Apparently, it was the day for instant regrets.

The first time he woke, his head felt like it had exploded, his entire body was so painful he was sure he had been hit by a train, and trying to move caused him to try very valiantly to vomit up every internal organ inside him about five times over. He also had a black eye and an impressive lump on his forehead with no clue how he got either, which definitely didn't help how sick he felt with the hangover. 'Mess' didn't begin to cover what he was and he ended up passing out again after all that. Better unconscious than conscious to the side effects of your poor life choices. He definitely wasn't winning any Husband of the Year awards today.

The next time he woke up, he still felt sick and his head was still pounding but he wasn't as disoriented and his usual body aches and pains were no longer dialled up to a million decibels. His mouth was dry and he was so thirsty, he was tempted to down the entire bottle of grape Pedialyte by his bed but resisted because after everything else, Merlin didn't need to be washing grape vomit out of their expensive 1000 thread count bedding. It looked like it was dark outside but he was along in their California King bed with just his own bedside lamp on low illuminating the large room. Before he met Merlin, he used to bask in having the biggest bed alone to himself to stretch out in but not anytime he was in it alone, it felt way too empty and lonely. Since marrying, he got used to waking up spooning or being spooned.

He wasn't sure he had the strength or energy to make it through a shower, even if he was still using a medical shower chair to sit these days because he tired easily. He didn't want to tempt fate on anymore puking waves by trying to do too much. Ironic, considering that issue was what triggered his fight with Merlin to start with. He used the bathroom and settled on splashing some water on his face (which is when he saw the state of his face) and brushed his teeth, leaving it at that. He was cold, so he pulled his grey coral fleece hoodie over his pyjamas and took the bucket (just in case, head trust issues with his stomach these days) to go find Merlin, if his husband was even at home. He wouldn't blame him if he wanted to go to Jesse or Damien's and bitch about what a selfish fuck his husband was.

Not even bothering to attempt the spiral staircase, he instead took the elevator (that was installed when chemo meant it was impossible for him to climb stairs back during the height of his cancer battle) down to the ground floor of their loft apartment. When he stepped out of the elevator, he could hear music, which sounded like someone was playing his grand piano.

He stepped around the corner of the entertainment area of the apartment and found Merlin sitting at the piano playing something from sheet music on his iPad. It dawned on him that it was the first time he had seen Merlin play the piano. In fact, he didn't know he could. This wasn't amateur, though. With his just-in-case bucket hooked over his elbow, he leaned against the doorway to listen, resting his head against the frame and tucking his hands in the front pouch of his hoodie. That was when Merlin spotted him and it stirred up emotions inside him, beyond the guilt of his stupid fuck up at the bottom of a booze bottle. Merlin did so much to take care of him, he shouldn't have arc up at him and caused the fight.

Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake
What: Regaining the little things
Where: Oncology Unit, Mount Sinai
When: A little after this

Trying to help Brandon sit up on the side of the bed felt to Merlin like he was trying to handle priceless artwork that could never be replaced or fixed if it broke. He was scared to touch him or move him and it was only when Brandon was smirking at him and telling him he couldn’t use the Force to get him out of bed that Merlin realised what he was doing. They both wanted this. Brandon could have a team of nurses on hand for him 24/7, and he did, but now he had turned a tiny corner with his condition, both he and Merlin wanted Merlin to be the one to help him with more of the private intimate stuff, with doctor approval, of course. No matter how sick a person was, losing your dignity could still be one of the hardest parts of all. Even more so when you were a newlywed.

Zander came and spent some time with Merlin demonstrating the safest ways to help Brandon with the bathroom, reminding him nurses were just a call button away to help if it felt too difficult for him to manage. The reality was that Brandon was skin and bone now. He wasn’t difficult to maneuver but Merlin didn’t want to hurt him. He was still in the stage where you could merely look at him and he would bruise. Zander assured him he could manage these few small things and knew it would make a hell of a difference to Brandon - and to their relationship - if they could recover a little more agency over Brandon’s care now he was out of the immediate woods with the ultimate goal being to get him home with home-nursing. And the first thing Brandon wanted was a real shower because he was a billion percent over bed baths.

( As soon as Merlin had Brandon sitting up on the side of the bed, he pulled the wheelchair up beside the bed, hitting the brakes, and sat on it himself in front of Brandon... )

LOG, COMPLETE

Who: Brandon Blake, Merlin Blake and Jaxson Colt (with a bit of Liam and Miles)
What: And so, it begins...
Where: Oncology Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this

Brandon hardly slept the night before. He must have fallen asleep somewhere around three and the alarm went to wake them at five to get to the hospital by six thirty. It was a lengthy admission process this time. He wasn’t just coming for an outpatient chemo infusion this time. They were checking him in to start the transplant conditioning therapy and total body irradiation to kill off all the cancer cells in his body and make room for the new bone marrow. During this time, Merlin would be taking a special medication to stimulate growth of his white cells to be able to give the best bone marrow donation possible.

Starting the whole transplant process was terrifying and confronting but he knew it was his only way of possible survival. Without it, the leukemia would kill him in within a couple of months, at most. That didn’t make Brandon feel hopeful because there was no guarantee it would work. That was probably what made it so hard going into. He was subdued and quiet through the admission process. He was glad Merlin and Jaxson were there with him because all the questions, poking, and prodding were putting him on edge. At least, until Tara came sat down to talk with him and Merlin before she hooked up the infusion, getting him to open up a little about how he was feeling and what he was worried about. She ended up giving him a shot of Valium and coaxed him to try to sleep if he could once the infusion started.

( Brandon watched as the nurse connected his central line to the chemo IVs and hooked him up to some fluid therapy in case he felt dehydrated, nauseous, or dizzy... )

LOG, COMPLETE

Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Larson
What: Calm before the storm
Where: Brandon & Merlin's place, NYC
When: After this

Merlin crashed out as soon as Brandon got him home from hospital after his straightforward procedure. The anesthetic fucked with him a bit but they took good care of him and Brandon was relieved it was all over. They just had to wait on the results to make sure he had the green light to start the prep for the bone marrow donation. Brandon was on edge in general so while Merlin slept off the anesthetic, he went outside and had a joint, opening up his email for the first time in weeks. As soon as he saw that his inbox had practically blown up, he got bored and shot Montana a text asking her to weed the shit out of his email and just leave what she thought was important.

Truth was, he was getting more and more nervous and anxious about the treatment looming over him. They would be back to the hospital in the morning for a final round of tests before they started to annihilate his system with intensive chemo and radiation to kill off all the cancer cells to prepare for replacing them with Merlin's healthy ones. He would have to drag himself through that for ten days while Merlin took some special meds to up his own white cell count to prepare for the marrow donation. Once that was done, it would be pretty much straight on to the engraftment of the cells into him... all assuming he survived the conditioning phase. General chemo had made him sick as hell, he could only imagine what this would do.

When he went up to change his t-shirt after his current one got sweaty with him sitting out in the summer heat, Merlin was stirring so he went to put on some tea for him. The nurse said mint tea could be helpful after scope procedures if the belly was still uncomfortable. Thankfully, the surgeon who did the procedure confirmed nothing life-threatening had been found in Merlin's gut, which was a huge relief for Brandon. He really had been fearing that.

He made the tea in Merlin's prized Hufflepuff mug which he got from the Harry Potter Studios in London and took it up to him. He sat on the side of the bed and rubbed Merlin's back while he continued to doze, fighting off waking up. "How are you feeling, baby? You've been out for ages."

Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake
What: First Date & Five Wishes
Where: Cape Cod, MA
When: After this

Merlin came out of the walk-in closet attached to the master suite of the beach house, pulling on his skinny jeans after the leisurely morning shower he and Brandon took together. Brandon hadn’t felt too good after Tara and Lachlan’s visit the evening before where Tara was pretty certain there was cancer in his lymph nodes when she examined him. She couldn’t specifically confirm without doing a PET Scan when he returned to New York but they would do that anyway for his pre-transplant markup. They both got a little upset hearing they would definitely need to add intensive radiation to his conditioning phase but after a good sleep the night before, Merlin was relieved that Brandon was feeling a lot better and they decided to get out of the house for a bit and do something together.

“Okay, Damo and Liam’s wedding ain’t ‘til tomorrow so today is our oyster, darlin’. What do you feel like doing? We can do anything.” Merlin zipped up his jeans and came over to give Brandon a kiss where he was sitting on the end of the bed in just a towel, working his way through his morning pills sitting in a pile beside him.

( The morning pills were a slow process for Brandon. There were so many of them of various colours and sizes and his stomach was always unsettled so getting them down could be a battle... )

LOG, COMPLETE

Who: Merlin Larson and Brandon Blake with everyone who is at their wedding
What: Wedding Reception!
Where: Cape Cod, MA
When: After this

Merlin and Brandon decided on a more fun and casual reception to match their non-conventional wedding. Merlin knew Brandon wouldn't eat, no matter how incredible the food turned out to be so they settled on a lavish buffet to suit everyone, including those who didn’t want to eat. They matched it with a sprawling dessert table and candy bar, which was a huge hit, and included a photobooth and disposable cameras so everyone could make memories with them, the least formal and more fun, the better. They didn’t have set seating either. They left their guests to sit wherever they wanted and encouraged mingling. Brandon loved every minute of it because it differed to all the stuffy, boring , structured weddings he had been dragged to in his time. Merlin loved they could do it all their way.

Merlin had asked Autumn to be their MC for the night because he knew she would be incredible at it and fuck anyone who thought it should be a dude. She knew them both and had been there to see what they were going through. But most of all, she was the reason they found each other again after their first meeting in London. She was the reason all this was happening, so she wa sa perfect choice to be the backbone of their casual, fun, but emotional wedding reception.

( Merlin and Brandon were sitting at the top table together, arms around each other as they listened to the music - songs everyone in the room picked to celebrate their own love, a stroke of genius idea by Justin - and Merlin nibbled on a plate of mixed candy from the dessert bar... )