Brandon Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
signofthetimes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-07-26 04:37 am
signofthetimes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-07-26 04:37 am
"What does it take, hospitals and heartbreak."
Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake with Liam Morgan, Jesse Hartley, and Jaxson Colt
What: Going through the motions
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: Couple of days after this
Merlin was on the phone to Damien, getting an update on what was happening with Paxton and the domino effect set in motion when the tests confirmed he had meningococcal meningitis. But he was holding Brandon’s hand at the same time, watching him stare at the radiology images on the screen of an iPad. Things had been feeling a little like they were in overdrive since they got back to the city. Paxton falling seriously sick and Jaxson’s chances of contracting it high because they had been intimate meant Brandon was understandably stressing about his BFF. Even more so because he wasn’t allowed near him. If Brandon so much as caught a minor infection, there was significant risk it could kill him.
He stroked his thumb across Brandon’s knuckles, taking in the updates Damien was giving him. “I’m fine, Damo. They’re just doing everything they need to make sure we’re good to go ahead with the transplant process. I’ll see you when I get out, okay?” He ended the call and put his phone on the bed beside him where he was sitting on the side, legs dangling over the edge. “Jax and Liam have been cleared. The antibiotics did their thing and they didn’t get it. Jax is gonna come see you once they check him out. They’re not letting him into the ICU to see Paxton because he’s not family so Liam’s gonna try to pull some strings for him. It should be fine once Christian gets to work. He’s the Senior Attending.”
Brandon looked up from the iPad and blinked when Merlin’s words sunk in through the haze of information-overload. “Oh, thank fucking god. I was shitting myself that he was going to get it too. How’s Paxton? Did Damien say?” He kissed Merlin’s hand and sighed, shaking his head. “I’m trying to find the energy to keep up with everything. It’s just… so fucking much. I’m even stressing about you. This…” He gestured to where Merlin sitting there on the side of a hospital bed in a gown and red surgical cap over his hair, hooked up to some IV fluids.
“And this?” Merlin asked, leaning over to take the iPad from Brandon. He put it beside him on the bed with his phone so he could take Brandon’s hands. “I’m fine, darlin’. This is routine to make sure my whole stressy gut isn’t anything that might get in the way of me being a safe marrow donor for you. And I know you heard that when my doctor said it because you were right there at the appointment with me. But I also know you’ve been on autopilot since Tara showed you these PET scan images with the results. Paxton’s still critical but stable. They’re monitoring him closely and think he’ll start to pick up in a couple of days when his body responds to the targeted antibiotics.”
“I wasn’t expecting this. It’s right through my lymph nodes, not just those in my groin. If it spreads more, it could go to my organs. Lungs, brain, spinal cord, liver, spleen. I’m just trying to process but I’m so exhausted. I don’t even know how my eyes are still open. But I need to be here while you have your scopes. You’re my fucking husband and it’s my turn to take care of you. Even if I know you’re fine and you’re not sick, this still needs to be checked and I’m stressed you still need to have a procedure, even if it’s just sticking cameras in you to check your insides.” Brandon caught himself before he got too upset and leaned over, resting his head on Merlin’s hand, breathing through the anxiety.
Merlin kissed Brandon’s head and massaged the nape of his neck. “Are you scared they’re gonna stick cameras in places I don’t wanna think about and find something serious, darlin’? C’mon, we need to talk this through so you don’t bottle all the shit up. I’m about to knocked out for a bit and I don’t want you left here alone stressing and freaking yourself out. I’m gonna get Damo or Jesse to come stay with you while I’m gone.” He grabbed his phone, determined to contact his brothers to help out, just like they both told him they could if he needed them.
Brandon took Merlin’s phone off him, putting it aside again. “No, it’s okay. At least, not yet. I’m okay, I can deal. I’m just trying to process everything. I’m glad they’ve cleared Jax but Paxton’s still in a bad way and I think Jax is falling for him. It must be fucking awful that he can’t see him. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it if that was you. It was bad enough when they isolated me when you had pneumonia. But… okay. Yeah, I’m worried they’re going to find something in your belly. I’ve seen you get upset stomach and stomach pain when you get stressed. Or even just randomly sometimes. Some food bothers you. If they find something serious, they won’t… t-they…”
“I know, darlin’. I know. They won’t let me be your donor. We know what that means. Try not to jump ahead, okay? Let’s just get this done and see what the results are. I’ve had this stuff my whole life when I get anxious or stressed. I think if it was anything serious, it would’ve gotten worse by now.” Merlin coaxed Brandon to lift his head again so he could see his face, cupping his chin in his hands and dropping a soft kiss to his forehead. “We’ve both heard Tara say now that everything needs to start now so we can intercept this spreading to your organs. Once we get the greenlight on these results that I’m good to go, I’ll start on those meds to help my white cells and they’ll start prepping you for the conditioning phase. Which… I know you’re scared about too. Especially now, you’ll need more radiation to target the lymph nodes.”
“I’m tired, sweetheart. More than anything, I’m terrified I don’t have the strength to survive this. What if my body just fucking gives out, even if in my head and heart, I’m determined as fuck to keep fighting? You know I’m getting worse. It was easy to bury my head in the sand for our wedding and honeymoon but now we’re back, it’s hard,” Brandon admitted, voice lowered because saying it out loud made it real.
Merlin did know. He had been there with Brandon day and night had seen his symptoms exacerbate. It was okay why he was off the chemo for their week away but there were still symptoms. Then there was the large bleed again coming from some small lesions in his gut that were easily cauterized. A few units of blood and he got a little more colour back in his cheeks but more medical intervention had wiped Brandon out. “You just have to try. That’s all. Keep fighting as much as you can, leave everything else in Tara and Lachlan’s capable hands. Tara will make sure they get you through this in the best way they can. But I know you don’t have a lot of fight left in you. You feel a lot worse than you’re letting on. These scopes are gonna go fine and then we can go home to curl up in bed together and wait for the next step. At your own peril, granted. The doctor told me I have free licence to fart after they scope me. It can’t be worse than the freaking prep I had to choke down last night.”
Brandon smirked at that, appreciating Merlin intercepting with a bit of humour. “Like I can’t judge on that. Isn’t marriage a licence to fart? Scopes will leave you with some pretty impressive butt acoustics. I really fucking need some time to curl up in our own bed and turn everything off for a bit. I’m really trying not to stress but the more I try, the more it turns into a demon in my head. I’m just starting to get really scared about everything.”
“Eesh, I think I’m still scarred from the prep.” Merlin screwed his nose up, patting his stomach. He nodded in understanding and stroking his thumb over Brandon’s cheek. “I’d be worried if you weren’t scared. Then I’d know you’d have given up and honestly, darlin’, no one would blame you if you wanted to. That’s why I’m here. So we’re scared together. We’ll get this pain in the ass - pardon the pun - over today and go home for a sleep this afternoon. I’ve never had anesthetic before. Liam said it can take a bit to get over the first time. Bran, were you getting increased pain in all the areas it’s metastasised?”
Brandon nodded slowly, closing his eyes at Merlin’s gentle touch. “Yeah, I guess now I think about it, I probably did. I’ve been getting worse in general, though, so I didn’t think it was anything but the leukemia. Or maybe overdoing things.” He pressed his lips together with a small sheepish smile. “Which was fucking great. We made the most of our honeymoon. Who knows if we’ll get to be that intimate again, on that level. I don’t know if I would’ve been so at ease if I knew about all this before. We both would’ve stressed.”
“I was stressing it would end up in your balls. I didn’t expect this. But I know the first time I saw Tara with you that she said that she expected if it continued to be aggressive, this would be what happened. You made some comment about you wanting to pull the plug before it got into your organs and they started failing. It seemed so far off back then, now it’s just all exploding in front of us, you know? I know that you’ve been trying not to blindside yourself through this whole thing. But then I waltzed into your life and distracted you. I feel like I’ve contributed to blindsiding you about this,” Merlin admitted apologetically, pointing at the iPad. Brandon’s lymph nodes were lit up like Christmas lights on the PET scan images. The last thing Merlin wanted to be doing right now was heading in for endoscopies but Brandon insisted they keep Merlin’s doctor’s appointment and having friends in high places, he was put on the OR list that very day, considering he was a vital link in Brandon’s transplantation process.
“Which would’ve sucked because my balls are your biggest fans.” Brandon gave Merlin an amused smile but even that took energy he didn’t have. “And conversely, they very much like when you suck. But reality check… you didn’t blindside me. Or cause me to blindside myself. You helped me keep living and not give up. I knew this was going to happen, sweetheart. They told me that with the original diagnosis. I just deluded myself into thinking I’d be dead before it happened so I didn’t have to deal with it. It doesn’t really matter, you know? So, I have to have radiation, targeting more areas than one. I’m going to be sick as fucking hell already with the condition. We just keep going. I’m going to do every fucking thing I can to try to stick around. I want to give it everything I’ve got to stay here with you. Just, in the meantime, I think I’m going to have my whole damn life flash before my eyes. That’s a whole lot of crap I don’t want to relive.”
Merlin had found since their wedding that he couldn’t stop touching Brandon. He liked to caress his face or stroke his hair. He liked holding his hand or maintaining any connection possible, in case they really were running out of time. “Do you have a lot of regrets, darlin’? Like, if we walked in there tomorrow and Tara said you won’t see the end of next week, would you feel like you wasted your life? Would you have countless things you wished you did differently? Or would you be glad of what you achieved in the time you had? Because if you’re not going to make it, I don’t want you having the parts of your life that were hard flashing before your eyes in the time you have left. I will do whatever you need me to do or not do to make sure you don’t do that. You can’t change what’s already gone and you don’t know if there’s anything to come, so all you have is the here and now and that’s to focus on your treatment. Nothing else really matters.”
“You’re right. Actually, not entirely right. It’s not only my treatment that matters. You matter. But I think that’s why I’ve been thinking about my life, trying to figure out if I have regrets. I don’t think I really do. Or, if I did before, they don’t matter anymore now. My mind won’t switch off. This must be how Justin feels when he’s sick. I can’t imagine living like this all the time. It’s like I’m thinking everything and nothing all at once. But before I get a chance to figure anything out, I make myself sick or pass out from exhaustion.” Brandon put his hand over Merlin’s caressing his cheek and turned his head to kiss Merlin’s palm. “I don’t feel like I’ve wasted my life. This is just the first I’ve ever felt like I’m living, right when I’m actually dying. You make me feel like I’m living. Is it bad that I kind of want to go out and get wasted one last time in case I never have another chance to write myself off and survive an epic hangover?”
Merlin went to say something, holding up a finger but he just closed his mouth and shook his head. “Nope. I’ve got nothing. Besides the fact that would probably kill you when we’re trying to prevent any expiration of life in general, I would have to go with you and you’ve already seen not only what a lightweight I am, but the type of migraine booze gives me. They would probably take one look at my bone marrow and probably deem it has a blood alcohol content to intoxicate a small army. Then again, if that’s what you really want, I’m going to have to suggest you do it at home where I can keep an eye on you and well away from Wes. I just don’t think it’ll mix well with your meds, darlin’. Is it really worth it? There’s nothing else you’d wanna do instead? And yeah, that’s how Justin feels. He’s described it a lil’ like that at times. At least, that’s how he feels when he’s manic. When he’s depressed, his functioning slows right down and so do his thoughts. I know you’re not ready for this, baby. The whole transplant thing. I know you’re probably waiting to feel ready or expecting some enlightening moment about it but I don’t think you’ll get it. I think you’re going to be scared and not ready until they tell you you’re in remission.”
“He told me he was depressed the day I met him. I’m the first person who would know that fame means you only put your most polished PR persona forward but I saw in Justin that day that he doesn’t play that game. The person he puts forward is real. There’s no lies or mask he puts on and off, whether he’s in the spotlight or out of it. His PR team’s job is to preserve the real him and highlight the reasons he does all he does. That was so fucking sobering to see, you know? I always thought fame was about pushing the fake with the smoke and mirrors. Playing the game and all that. Even the things Justin wants and needs to be kept private, he outright tells people there are things about his life he can’t talk about and that’s just okay. When he’s sick, he’s honest about it. And I was so fucking envious of that. Not in a way that I resent him or anything like that. It’s the opposite. I fucking admire him more than words can say. I feel like I’ve wasted my whole life. Which people would laugh their asses off, I know. I’m a successful actor and I’m loaded because of it, I’ve nailed what a lot of people measure life’s worth on. But I had no fucking idea what life’s worth really was until I met you and fell in love. And all of a sudden, I wanted what Justin had. To be able to do what I do and love it, own who I really am, be open and honest about who I love, make a difference using what I do to bring some sort of joy to other people. But I’ve completely fucking run out of time to even start it. I can’t shake this sick feeling inside that I’m not going to win this.” Brandon went quiet with a sigh and rested his head on Merlin’s knee, feeling a wave of exhaustion settle over him to have finally gotten all this out into words. This was the first he actually said out loud that he thought the transplant wasn’t going to be successful. He hadn’t wanted to burden Merlin with it but Merlin knew him well enough now to be tuning into him when things were off.
“I thought that might’ve been the case,” Merlin murmured, stroking Brandon’s hair. He traced his tongue over his lips. “You’re not telling me you don’t wanna do it, are you? Is that what you’re trying to navigate to? Don’t clam up on me, darlin’. We promised we were a team on all this when we got married. If this is how you feel, we need to talk about it. I need to be able to brace myself if this is the choice you wanna make.”
Brandon lifted his head to look up at Merlin. “No, I’d never do that to you. Even if there’s a huge part of me that’s so fucking exhausted, no way in hell would I ever marry you then just turn around and tell you I want to give up. If I hadn’t met you, maybe. I probably just would’ve wanted to pull the plug. I’m just scared I won’t survive it which makes going into it agonising. I can’t see the outcome and I don’t think I’m coping well with it now it’s right here. Am I driving you nuts? I feel like I’m all over the fucking place.”
“You’re scattered but I don’t think you could be anything but. You’re feeling worse now the metastasis is confirmed, you’re trying to keep up with everything going on, you’ve been on information overload for weeks. Don’t be so hard on yourself, baby. Take it as it comes. This scan was another blow. You’re not driving me nuts. You’ll drive me nuts if you don’t just let yourself feel what you need to. Are you going to be okay while they take me through to get this thing done? I can get Damo to come keep you company. I don’t want you to be on your own. Not today. You’re burning up again. Maybe you should go home and lie down while I’m having the test?” Merlin pressed his fingers softly to Brandon’s forehead and cheeks. The fever spikes were coming more and more often for him.
The curtain around the bed swept back and Liam stuck his head around the corner. “There you are. I just spoke to Damien. He said you were in for scopes. How did you go with the prep? It can be pretty full-on. How are you feeling, Brandon?” He had a look at Merlin’s chart to see what doctor was doing the procedure. “I just spoke to the nurse, you’re up next if you want to lie back in the bed.”
Merlin’s eyebrows shot up seeing Liam there and in scrubs and his lab coat. “You’re working? So soon after what happened with Pax? I thought you’d be up there with him staring at all the monitors or something.” He slid off the side of the bed and Liam helped him pull the blanket back. “I ain’t got undies on under here, darlin’. I think I totally just flashed you,” he laughed, glancing at Brandon over his shoulder.
Brandon smirked at Liam and gave Merlin’s butt a squeeze through the hospital gown. “He says that like I’d have a problem with it. I’m doing okay, dude. Bit overwhelmed, but it is what it is.”
“He’s more than overwhelmed. We just got the results from his PET scan. There’s metastasis through a lot of his lymph nodes. I was just trying to convince him to go home for a lie down while I do this thing,” Merlin explained, handing Liam the iPad where Brandon had the scan images Tara sent him.
Liam held the covers back so Merlin could get into the bed so they could take him through to the OR once it was his turn up. “They need to keep him sedated for now until some of the swelling on the brain reduces. All I’d be doing is sitting around stressing. His family are with him and I’m checking in every chance I can. It’s one of those awful situations where we all really wish there was more we can do but it’s just a matter of waiting and letting the medicine do its thing.” He took iPad and had a look at the PET scan images. “Oh, Brandon. I’m so sorry, love. You’ve got to be in a lot of pain with this. But hey, I know no matter how much your other half tells you that you should go home and rest, you’re not going to go home until you know he’s okay. I’ve been in two surgeries this morning so I need to take a load off for a bit in the doctor’s lounge. He won’t be in long, so you’re welcome to come have a cuppa with me while you wait. They can page right through to me once he’s moved to Recovery.”
“I’m not going home. He’s never had any sort of procedure like this before. I’m waiting.” Once Merlin was settled in the bed, Brandon gave him a pointed look. Liam was spot on guessing he wouldn’t want to go home while Merlin had his test. “I don’t care how much pain I’m in, I need to take care of him too. That’s what we promised when we got married. Even if the whole TLC thing has been heavily balanced in my favour, I still want to take care of him too. Even if he’s fine. Fine-ish. The prep was pretty nuts. He was up all night, he hasn’t slept. Have you spoken to Jaxson? I feel fucking terrible that I haven’t been able to see him.”
“It’s no big deal. I’m okay! The PET scan results were a shock and he was up all night with me, so he needs rest. But okay, okay, darlin’. We can go home after and crash together. We’re back here tomorrow at the ass-crack of dawn anyway. Go with Liam. I’m sure the seats will be way more comfortable than these shitty offerings. I’ll feel better knowing you’ve at least got some company,” Merlin insisted, putting his arm up behind his head once he was in a comfy spot. “Company I know he’s in good hands with and won’t just shove him in a waiting room with a five year old fishing magazine and cheap teabag tea with longlife milk.”
Liam put his hand on Brandon’s shoulder, letting him know he was there to help him up if he needed it. “Who are these barbarian’s making Brandon Blake drink teabag tea? That’s blasphemous! Don’t worry, mate, you’re in the hands of a purebred Englishman. I will put you down and out of your misery before I put anything with a teabag in front of you. We’ll have Merlin back in your capable hands as soon as they give him the all-clear in Recovery. They won’t let him go until he can eat, drink, and pee, though. You can resume your husband duties when he gets back to the ward. You guys want to say goodbye before the cavalry comes?”
Brandon pulled himself out of the chair and leaned over to give Merlin a kiss. “I promise next time someone puts anything up your butt, baby, it’ll be way more fun.” He gave Merlin a smile and tucked the blanket in around his chest. “I love you. I’ll be here to try to coax you to eat a crappy ham sandwich when you get out. Then we can go home and get you some real food. Don’t stress, I’m good hands. I’ll see you soon.” He took Merlin’s hand to give it squeeze and they shared another kiss.
Merlin laughed, lacing his fingers through Brandon’s to hold on just a little longer. He would only be gone an hour or two, but time was so precious these days. “I’m going to hold you to that promise.” When the nurse who admitted him reappeared with an orderly to take him through for the procedure, he had to reluctantly let go. “And make sure he holds you to the good tea. Thanks, Liam. I really appreciate it.”
Liam gave Merlin a wink and gestured to the door he had come in via. “Let’s head out this way, mate. Less chance of running into prying eyes or random scary fans lingering in corridors. Don’t worry, the doctor’s lounge is staff only, save for the odd exception to the rules. My colleagues are cool, they won’t mind. A lot of them know Merlin anyway. It’s pretty big news you’ll be getting your treatment with our transplant team. Then again, not really surprising. Lachlan’s a rockstar at what he does. He’s one of the best in his field, internationally.”
Brandon wanted to wait until Merlin was taken through the large swinging doors at the end of the holding bays, giving him a wave as he disappeared through them. “Yeah, I realised what a big deal he and Tara were once I did more of my research up at Cape Cod. They’re going to take good care of him in there, right? Sorry, I don’t mean to be one of those relatives and I know it’s not a big deal of a procedure. This is just all new to me. Before I got sick, I hadn’t set foot into a hospital in about ten years and that was only because the school sent me in an ambulance when I fell out of a tree. I don’t really care so much about myself, but he’s everything to me. He hasn’t had anesthetic before either.”
“No judgement here, mate. I understand you’re nervous. Any procedure has risks but they’re minimal in this case. He’s in excellent hands and scopes are usually in and out in twenty or thirty minutes. Even if he doesn’t have an easy go with the anesthetic, many people don’t. They know how to handle it. I know he’s precious cargo.” Liam held the door open for Brandon. “Is this because you’re worried about risks or you’re worried they’re going to find something serious? You have cancer. It’s okay that medical shit makes you nervous.”
Brandon glanced at Liam as he passed, biting his lip. He appreciated Liam’s calm and gentle bedside manner but he didn’t realise what he had been doing until Liam was open and asked directly. “Yeah, I think that’s probably a big part of it. I know his stomach gets upset when he’s stressed. There’s that rational part of my brain telling me that something like that isn’t uncommon. Then there’s the louder rational part of my brain that reminds me I wrote aggressive cancer off as overworked fatigue for a year. People asking me if I had chronic fatigue or mono because something like that is common, right? Long story short, I appreciate you giving me a distraction until he’s out and if you can give me any tips on how he should be after it would be great.”
At the end set of doors, Liam tapped his security pass to the pad and the door buzzed open. He held it for Brandon. “Well, I’m a clinician, so I’m not going to promise you they won’t find anything. That goes against all my professional ethics. I’ve opened seemingly perfectly healthy people and found horrific things inside them based on minimal symptoms. The thing in Merlin’s favour is he’s been like this since he was a really young child. That doesn’t mean other things can’t come to light. My best advice is to just wait until the results. Until then, preserve your energy. Come have a cuppa and rest for a bit.” He led Brandon into the staff room which was luckily in a lull. There were a handful of his colleagues there on their breaks but they already knew Liam had a connection to Brandon so they just offered a discreet wave and went back to doing their own thing.
Liam gestured to the sprawling modular sofa in the middle of the room. “Take a seat. I’ll make you some tea. There’s a great herbal blend here to help with stress. That shit can be better than coffee for some shifts.” He spooned some of the leaves into the plunger pot and filled it with hot water from the urn. Then be brought it over with a couple of mugs, placing it on the coffee table to let it brew. “It depends how he tolerates the anesthetic. Sometimes patients can feel nauseated or have a bit of tummy pain after. A lot feel quite drowsy. It’ll be like a test run for his bone marrow extraction surgery.”
“B!”
With a frown of confusion, Brandon looked over his shoulder from where the familiar voice came from and saw Jaxson hurrying over to him with Jesse - in purple scrubs - trailing behind him. He pulled himself up from the sofa his butt just settled on. “Jax! What are you doing here? Jeezus, you’re okay to be here?” As soon as Jaxson reached him, he put his arms around him in the best hug he could manage, which wasn’t a lot. The cancer metastasising to his lymph nodes meant he lost a lot of strength in general.
Jaxson was almost as relieved to hug Brandon now as he had been the day they reunited. “Liam paged Jesse and asked him to bring me down here so I could see you. He’s been nursing Paxton and I was hanging around like a bad smell, not knowing what the fuck I can do. They’ve cleared me but they won’t let me see him because he’s in the ICU and I’m not family. Christian’s going to see if he can let me in this evening when he’s at work. But fuck, it’s been horrible. They wouldn’t let me near you either. They said you got some bad news on test results? How’s Merlin? It’s just a routine thing, yeah?”
“I know, dude. I’m about two steps from being a bubble boy. I hear that’s next on the agenda. I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t be there for you when all this was going down. How are you feeling? You okay?” Brandon sat back down and shot Liam and Jesse a grateful smile. “Thanks for this. I’ve been worried sick about him. So much shit is going on, my head’s spinning. I’m running on about half an hour sleep. Cancer cells have metastasised to a good portion of my lymph nodes. It’s bad news but not unexpected. They’re just scoping Merlin’s gut to make sure he’s okay to go ahead with the transplant.”
Jesse went over to make himself a strong coffee and came back to flop onto the sofa, putting his feet up on the coffee table. He was working a double and already looking forward to his crashing in bed when he got home later tonight. “No change in Paxton’s condition. It’s to be expected. It’s far too soon for him to be recovering, considering how quickly it progressed. The incubation period has passed and the antibiotics have done their job. He’s not infectious. But they need to keep him sedated a bit longer until the swelling reduces to try and prevented, you know… long term issues.” It wasn’t an easy subject for Jesse. Usually he was fine nursing meningitis patients. He’d been there, he knew how sick it made you. But this was Paxton. He was family and it made it that much harder not having a clear prognosis yet. “His family really want to meet you, Jaxson. Don’t stress about that. They’re nice folk.”
Liam sat down beside Jesse and patted his back. “You look tired, Jess. I know this is hard, being Pax. And you’ve been there. It changed your life forever. But I also know you and you wouldn’t not want to nurse him. And I second that. The Carlyles are basically the nicest people on earth. I think they want to thank you for taking care of him on the flight.” He handed Brandon a couple of cushions. “If you’re in pain, mate, feel free to lie down. This place won’t get busy until the next shift break.”
Jaxson put his hand over Brandon’s. “No. No, I don’t want you worrying sick about me, B. You need to focus on your family. You and Merlin. You’ve got some fucking scary shit you’re about to dive into. I’m okay. Like, don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely fucking shitting myself on the plane. Pax was so sick. He seemed okay in the airport and then he just wasn’t. The staff were incredible, though, and so were the paramedics and all the doctors here. But you have to take care of you, Bran. I’ve got all these guys and fuck have you married into one of the most amazing group of family and friends. I’m not even kidding, my mom is, like, BFFs with Jace’s grandma now. They knew you couldn’t see me, so they were there for me, making sure I knew what was going on. Liam, you’re a fucking angel. I swear to god.” He wasn’t someone who cried easily but he put his fingers to his lips, tearing up. “Sorry, I’m pretty wiped out. I’ve hardly slept.”
“Taking care of my family doesn’t cancel out worrying about you, dude. Trust me, I’ve got enough quota of stress to last me a lifetime. Which says a lot, considering that might have a pending expiry date. I knew how freaked out you would be. I hadn’t even had a chance to really talk to you about what things were between you and Paxton. You should go home and try to get some sleep, though, or you’re going to drive yourself fucking nuts.” Brandon patted Jaxson’s shoulder, giving him the once-over. He hadn’t seen Jax this rough since they got trashed a few times in high school not long before Brandon got his big break. “I’m not one to put a lot of confidence in prognoses, but what are Pax’s chance here? Is he going to wake up? Is he going to be okay if he does? How bad does it have to be before it risks something like Jesse ended up with, long-term health issues?”
Jesse shook his head, steadily working on his coffee. He would be on his second soon enough and he wasn’t even usually a fan. It was a staple on double shifts. “It’s like cancer. A billion possible outcomes and variables. It’s not something you can know until he wakes and they can assess physical and cognitive functioning. Unless things go south before then. That’s what happened with me. I was having massive seizures as soon as the bacterial infection got into my brain. Paxton had one seizure in resus when he first got here but it was almost certainly pyrexia. His temperature was dangerously high, they had to use cooling blankets until the meds to bring it down worked. His electrolytes were also severely imbalanced, which could have contributed. He was probably feeling quite ill in the lead-up to getting on the plane. He probably had vomiting and diarrhea before the worst of it hit but don’t feel bad if he didn’t alert you to it. You guys were on a booty call. It’s not nice getting sick in front of someone you’re newly dating. Jace had a bad seizure the first night we spent together but it more solidified things between us that be any detriment. Brandon probably understands that side of things. It’s just a horrible thing that all you can do is wait to get answers. Then whatever happens, you gotta deal. There’s no other way.”
Liam sat forward so he could pour the tea for him and Brandon. He got up to grab another mug for Jaxson too. “He mentioned to me that he hadn’t been feeling well in the night. Meningococcal is a strain that is really fast-acting. Once it hits, it’s a danger zone. It’s why it’s such a serious medical emergency. There was a delay getting him that, so we just have to hope for the best. Love can come of pretty horrific circumstances, you know. The first time Damien tried to kiss me, I punched him,” he admitted with a slight laugh. They could joke about it now but it was tough at the time. He didn’t realise how traumatised he still was until he tried to start a physically intimate relationship for the first time since he was raped.
Jaxson was grateful for the tea, even if it was some herbal blend. It smelled a bit weird but the taste wasn’t too bad. “I feel like I nearly killed him for not realising he was sick before we got on the plane. If I had, we could’ve gotten him to a hospital in Paris. But I know… Liam explained that it’s more complex than that. Pax probably didn’t realise he had anything serious. I wish he’d known he could’ve told me he was feeling sick. I don’t have any experience with this dating thing but I would’ve winged it. I at least had some watching Merlin with B up my sleeve. But I crashed that night because we’d been up all the night before. If he was sick, I slept through it. I know he was running on empty. He was living on Red Bull and coffee. But… I’m really into him. A lot. I thought it was just a fun hook-up but when it was happening, I knew it wasn’t. So, if he comes through this okay, I really do wanna ask him out. If you guys have any tips on this dating thing, I’m all ears. Like, you’ve all nailed it, regardless of the tough shit you’ve been through.”
“How prepared are you to help him recover from this?” Jesse asked, figuring it was best to just hit that question directly. “He’s not just gonna wake up and be okay. He’ll be in here for a little while. If there’s issues, there could be rehab. What I’m trying to say is, the person you hooked up with at the wedding and had a booty call in Paris with, that’s not who you’ll date if you want to pursue this. Taking care of someone who’s sick is really fucking hard. Now would be the time to cut your losses if you don’t think you can cope and there won’t be any judgement.”
Brandon put the mug to his lips, watching Jaxson closely for his reaction to that. He had been estranged from his best friend for so long that it was impossible to know if this was what Jaxson would want. Not that anyone wanted it but Merlin - and other people he knew - were proof that they were willing to take the good with the difficult when you cared for someone enough. But when Jaxson met Pax, this wasn’t an issue. Pax hadn’t been sick. Now he was fighting for his life in the ICU. Brandon knew Merlin could be facing someone similar in coming weeks, even if they had a game plan going into it. He didn’t think the younger, more naive Jaxson would want to take something like this on but if he was guessing right, he was pretty sure Jaxson had been falling for Paxton in the wake of their romantic booty call in Paris.
Liam was the doctor here, he knew he had to intercept with a reality check, as much as he wished he didn’t have to. Jaxson deserved to know the bigger picture here. He sat forward so he could see Jaxson’s face. But when he went to speak, he choked up and had to put his tea down to take some bracing breaths. “Jaxson, Pax could be disabled, mentally or physically. He could be brain-injured. He could have long-term medical conditions like Jess. Epilepsy, blindness, deafness, paralysis of limbs, balance issues. He might have memory problems or mood imbalances.” He closed his eyes and hung his head with a sigh. It was a hard reality for him to face too.
Jaxson just gaped in shock when Liam’s words sunk in. He couldn’t find words. He just kept replaying Liam’s over and over in his head. And he just didn’t have an answer. He wanted to. He wanted to say all the right things. He wanted to be selfless and chivalrous like Merlin had been with Brandon but he had never been more terrified, save for when he saw how seriously sick Brandon was with his own eyes. In the end, all he could do was get up and walk out when that doctors lounge suddenly felt hot and claustrophobic. Maybe it was better for him to just walk away rather than trying to help and fucking it all up. He was no Merlin. Not even close.
Brandon put his tea down on the coffee table. “I’ll go. Nothing like this has ever touched him before. I mean, save for hearing his best friend might die of cancer.” He was a struggle to get out of the low sofa and he was grateful when Jesse helped him up because moving around was getting harder and harder with the pain coursing through him. If Jaxson was running, there would be no hope of catching up. But he found Jaxson just a short way along the corridor across from some vending machines, crouched down against the wall, head buried in his hands. He couldn’t crouch down with him or he would have to stay down there. So, he just came to stand by Jaxson, leaning against the wall, and patted the top of his head. “Listen, buddy… you don’t have to feel bad if you can’t do this. You can still be his friend.”
“Could you have just still ‘been his friend’ with Merlin once you knew you were falling for him?” Jaxson asked, head still buried because suddenly everything felt too heavy inside it.
Brandon issued something akin to a laugh, a huff of breath through his nose that couldn’t quite anchor humour. “No way in hell, man. That guy literally had me from fucking hello. The moment he smiled at me in London, I was addicted. I did try to deny it, though. I tried to push him away so I didn’t burden him with all this but he was a stubborn fucker. He wasn’t taking any of that shit. But not everyone is built like Merlin. I’m not saying you can’t do what he did. Actually, I think you could and I think if you were thrown in the deep end, you wouldn’t sink. You’d swim. But this isn’t just asking you to nurse Pax through a case of the sniffles. Trying to love someone through sickness has got to be the hardest thing in the fucking world. But you can’t help who you love. I think you had enough time with Paxton when he was well for something to have started. Which means the fact he’s this ill will be killing you.”
“It’s not even all that. I mean, it is. Because I know I’m not even remotely near as fucking strong and selfless as Merlin is. That’s what terrifies me because I never have been. But I’m going on tour with Justin. It’s a career-breaking job and it’s not just going to lead to more epic contracts but he’s going to use my work in all his promotional shit when he drops his album. It’s not about the money. I don’t do what I do for the cash. I do it because I love it and Justin’s team scouting me because he liked the style of my work blew me away. He’s connected with my work on a deeper level than most artists I work with and that’s epic. Is it fucking selfish of me to want both? To try to take care of Paxton but still want to tour? I’m so fucking confused and… and… exhausted. Fuck. What if he fucking dies?” Jaxson lifted his head, looking up at Brandon with tears stinging his eyes.
Brandon closed his eyes for a few moments, clearing his throat. Then he checked up and down the corridor to make sure no one else was in hearing distance. “I heard Justin’s sick. I don’t know the ins and outs but I overheard Autumn on the phone and it sounded like it might’ve been an OD. When I first met him, he told me he was battling a depressive episode and joked about probably being manic the next day. I don’t know if it’s going to delay anything or how bad it was but it’s okay to focus on Paxton right now. If you have feelings for him, you need to confront them and figure out what it is. There’s no rush. You have time. If you want me to try to get more information on Justin, I can talk to Merlin. But it’s kind of a timely reminder that with a sick person, there’s nothing static. It can change in a heartbeat.”
Jaxson stared up at Brandon and shook his head. “Fucking hell, are you kidding me? That kid that was on top of the world taking the house down at your wedding just OD’ed? Do you know why? Fuck…” He exhaled deeply, scraping his fingers through his hair. “I feel sick. I’ve never fucking felt like this in my life. I’m falling for a guy who could be brain-damaged. My best friend is about to have an horrific procedure to save his life that still might kill him. The kid I’m supposed to be working for might’ve OD’ed. How the fuck can I know what I’m supposed to do here?”
“You’re exhausted and need sleep for one.” Brandon went over to the vending machine and punched in the number for a bottle of water. He took his wallet out and tapped his AmEx card to the pad to pay for it. He twisted the cap off and took it over to Jaxson, handing it to him. “You need to go home, take some Ambien and crash. You aren’t going to figure any of this out running on empty. You’re going to make yourself sick and all this will feel worse. There’s no ‘why’ with Justin, man. He’s mentally ill. This is his reality. I don’t know him very well but he was open and honest with me about the severity of his illness. Talk to Autumn if you need to. She’ll know more. And I wish I could hit a pause button on all my shit but it’s going lightning quick. I can’t deal with it so much myself. Merlin’s the only thing keeping my head above water. He’s given me a reason to keep going. Maybe that’s something you can use to help you reason stuff out. I take you home and get you drunk if I could but it wouldn’t help either of us.”
“Home? What home? I haven’t had a chance to get a place here.” Jaxson asked with a humourless laugh. He flopped from a crouching position to sit on the lino, dropping his head back against the wall. “I don’t think I can just walk away from him, B. The time we had together in Paris before he was sick, it was pretty intense. We talked a lot. I felt a real connection and felt things I’m not sure I’ve felt before. Or maybe things I thought I felt for you once but we all know how that turned out. I think the realness of it is scaring me. What would you do in my position? I know, I know… you’re married. You could die. I know you probably can’t think about much else right now.”
“I’d stick by him and do everything I could to just be there for him,” Brandon replied without any hesitation. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his house keys. “Go to our place. Hell, move in if you want. It’s not like we don’t have the space. It’s okay, we’ve got Merlin’s keys to get in when we get home. Call Montana and she’ll give you the security access code. Jax, if you felt that with Paxton, you’re not just going to be able to walk away. It doesn’t work like that. Feelings and love are pretty intimidating things, the amount of power they have over us.”
Liam came up the corridor and held his phone up. “Merlin’s in Recovery, mate. The procedure went without a hitch but he’s having a reaction to the anesthetic with some belly pain and post-op vomiting. It’s very common, don’t worry. They’re going to keep him there a little longer until he’s feeling a bit better. They said you can wait for him back in the room if you want.”
“Shit. Okay. I’ll do that.” Brandon offered Jaxson a hand to help him up and then he gave him a hug. “Get some sleep so you can feel a bit better coming to see Pax in the ICU this evening.”
Jaxson gave a reluctant nod, knowing his mind was too exhausted to do any of this. “Thanks, mate. I love you, okay? If you guys need any help with any of this, just give me a shout. And Lia, thanks so fucking much again. I would’ve totally lost myself without your help.”
Liam patted Jaxson on the back. “I’m only a phone call away.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Going through the motions
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: Couple of days after this
Merlin was on the phone to Damien, getting an update on what was happening with Paxton and the domino effect set in motion when the tests confirmed he had meningococcal meningitis. But he was holding Brandon’s hand at the same time, watching him stare at the radiology images on the screen of an iPad. Things had been feeling a little like they were in overdrive since they got back to the city. Paxton falling seriously sick and Jaxson’s chances of contracting it high because they had been intimate meant Brandon was understandably stressing about his BFF. Even more so because he wasn’t allowed near him. If Brandon so much as caught a minor infection, there was significant risk it could kill him.
He stroked his thumb across Brandon’s knuckles, taking in the updates Damien was giving him. “I’m fine, Damo. They’re just doing everything they need to make sure we’re good to go ahead with the transplant process. I’ll see you when I get out, okay?” He ended the call and put his phone on the bed beside him where he was sitting on the side, legs dangling over the edge. “Jax and Liam have been cleared. The antibiotics did their thing and they didn’t get it. Jax is gonna come see you once they check him out. They’re not letting him into the ICU to see Paxton because he’s not family so Liam’s gonna try to pull some strings for him. It should be fine once Christian gets to work. He’s the Senior Attending.”
Brandon looked up from the iPad and blinked when Merlin’s words sunk in through the haze of information-overload. “Oh, thank fucking god. I was shitting myself that he was going to get it too. How’s Paxton? Did Damien say?” He kissed Merlin’s hand and sighed, shaking his head. “I’m trying to find the energy to keep up with everything. It’s just… so fucking much. I’m even stressing about you. This…” He gestured to where Merlin sitting there on the side of a hospital bed in a gown and red surgical cap over his hair, hooked up to some IV fluids.
“And this?” Merlin asked, leaning over to take the iPad from Brandon. He put it beside him on the bed with his phone so he could take Brandon’s hands. “I’m fine, darlin’. This is routine to make sure my whole stressy gut isn’t anything that might get in the way of me being a safe marrow donor for you. And I know you heard that when my doctor said it because you were right there at the appointment with me. But I also know you’ve been on autopilot since Tara showed you these PET scan images with the results. Paxton’s still critical but stable. They’re monitoring him closely and think he’ll start to pick up in a couple of days when his body responds to the targeted antibiotics.”
“I wasn’t expecting this. It’s right through my lymph nodes, not just those in my groin. If it spreads more, it could go to my organs. Lungs, brain, spinal cord, liver, spleen. I’m just trying to process but I’m so exhausted. I don’t even know how my eyes are still open. But I need to be here while you have your scopes. You’re my fucking husband and it’s my turn to take care of you. Even if I know you’re fine and you’re not sick, this still needs to be checked and I’m stressed you still need to have a procedure, even if it’s just sticking cameras in you to check your insides.” Brandon caught himself before he got too upset and leaned over, resting his head on Merlin’s hand, breathing through the anxiety.
Merlin kissed Brandon’s head and massaged the nape of his neck. “Are you scared they’re gonna stick cameras in places I don’t wanna think about and find something serious, darlin’? C’mon, we need to talk this through so you don’t bottle all the shit up. I’m about to knocked out for a bit and I don’t want you left here alone stressing and freaking yourself out. I’m gonna get Damo or Jesse to come stay with you while I’m gone.” He grabbed his phone, determined to contact his brothers to help out, just like they both told him they could if he needed them.
Brandon took Merlin’s phone off him, putting it aside again. “No, it’s okay. At least, not yet. I’m okay, I can deal. I’m just trying to process everything. I’m glad they’ve cleared Jax but Paxton’s still in a bad way and I think Jax is falling for him. It must be fucking awful that he can’t see him. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it if that was you. It was bad enough when they isolated me when you had pneumonia. But… okay. Yeah, I’m worried they’re going to find something in your belly. I’ve seen you get upset stomach and stomach pain when you get stressed. Or even just randomly sometimes. Some food bothers you. If they find something serious, they won’t… t-they…”
“I know, darlin’. I know. They won’t let me be your donor. We know what that means. Try not to jump ahead, okay? Let’s just get this done and see what the results are. I’ve had this stuff my whole life when I get anxious or stressed. I think if it was anything serious, it would’ve gotten worse by now.” Merlin coaxed Brandon to lift his head again so he could see his face, cupping his chin in his hands and dropping a soft kiss to his forehead. “We’ve both heard Tara say now that everything needs to start now so we can intercept this spreading to your organs. Once we get the greenlight on these results that I’m good to go, I’ll start on those meds to help my white cells and they’ll start prepping you for the conditioning phase. Which… I know you’re scared about too. Especially now, you’ll need more radiation to target the lymph nodes.”
“I’m tired, sweetheart. More than anything, I’m terrified I don’t have the strength to survive this. What if my body just fucking gives out, even if in my head and heart, I’m determined as fuck to keep fighting? You know I’m getting worse. It was easy to bury my head in the sand for our wedding and honeymoon but now we’re back, it’s hard,” Brandon admitted, voice lowered because saying it out loud made it real.
Merlin did know. He had been there with Brandon day and night had seen his symptoms exacerbate. It was okay why he was off the chemo for their week away but there were still symptoms. Then there was the large bleed again coming from some small lesions in his gut that were easily cauterized. A few units of blood and he got a little more colour back in his cheeks but more medical intervention had wiped Brandon out. “You just have to try. That’s all. Keep fighting as much as you can, leave everything else in Tara and Lachlan’s capable hands. Tara will make sure they get you through this in the best way they can. But I know you don’t have a lot of fight left in you. You feel a lot worse than you’re letting on. These scopes are gonna go fine and then we can go home to curl up in bed together and wait for the next step. At your own peril, granted. The doctor told me I have free licence to fart after they scope me. It can’t be worse than the freaking prep I had to choke down last night.”
Brandon smirked at that, appreciating Merlin intercepting with a bit of humour. “Like I can’t judge on that. Isn’t marriage a licence to fart? Scopes will leave you with some pretty impressive butt acoustics. I really fucking need some time to curl up in our own bed and turn everything off for a bit. I’m really trying not to stress but the more I try, the more it turns into a demon in my head. I’m just starting to get really scared about everything.”
“Eesh, I think I’m still scarred from the prep.” Merlin screwed his nose up, patting his stomach. He nodded in understanding and stroking his thumb over Brandon’s cheek. “I’d be worried if you weren’t scared. Then I’d know you’d have given up and honestly, darlin’, no one would blame you if you wanted to. That’s why I’m here. So we’re scared together. We’ll get this pain in the ass - pardon the pun - over today and go home for a sleep this afternoon. I’ve never had anesthetic before. Liam said it can take a bit to get over the first time. Bran, were you getting increased pain in all the areas it’s metastasised?”
Brandon nodded slowly, closing his eyes at Merlin’s gentle touch. “Yeah, I guess now I think about it, I probably did. I’ve been getting worse in general, though, so I didn’t think it was anything but the leukemia. Or maybe overdoing things.” He pressed his lips together with a small sheepish smile. “Which was fucking great. We made the most of our honeymoon. Who knows if we’ll get to be that intimate again, on that level. I don’t know if I would’ve been so at ease if I knew about all this before. We both would’ve stressed.”
“I was stressing it would end up in your balls. I didn’t expect this. But I know the first time I saw Tara with you that she said that she expected if it continued to be aggressive, this would be what happened. You made some comment about you wanting to pull the plug before it got into your organs and they started failing. It seemed so far off back then, now it’s just all exploding in front of us, you know? I know that you’ve been trying not to blindside yourself through this whole thing. But then I waltzed into your life and distracted you. I feel like I’ve contributed to blindsiding you about this,” Merlin admitted apologetically, pointing at the iPad. Brandon’s lymph nodes were lit up like Christmas lights on the PET scan images. The last thing Merlin wanted to be doing right now was heading in for endoscopies but Brandon insisted they keep Merlin’s doctor’s appointment and having friends in high places, he was put on the OR list that very day, considering he was a vital link in Brandon’s transplantation process.
“Which would’ve sucked because my balls are your biggest fans.” Brandon gave Merlin an amused smile but even that took energy he didn’t have. “And conversely, they very much like when you suck. But reality check… you didn’t blindside me. Or cause me to blindside myself. You helped me keep living and not give up. I knew this was going to happen, sweetheart. They told me that with the original diagnosis. I just deluded myself into thinking I’d be dead before it happened so I didn’t have to deal with it. It doesn’t really matter, you know? So, I have to have radiation, targeting more areas than one. I’m going to be sick as fucking hell already with the condition. We just keep going. I’m going to do every fucking thing I can to try to stick around. I want to give it everything I’ve got to stay here with you. Just, in the meantime, I think I’m going to have my whole damn life flash before my eyes. That’s a whole lot of crap I don’t want to relive.”
Merlin had found since their wedding that he couldn’t stop touching Brandon. He liked to caress his face or stroke his hair. He liked holding his hand or maintaining any connection possible, in case they really were running out of time. “Do you have a lot of regrets, darlin’? Like, if we walked in there tomorrow and Tara said you won’t see the end of next week, would you feel like you wasted your life? Would you have countless things you wished you did differently? Or would you be glad of what you achieved in the time you had? Because if you’re not going to make it, I don’t want you having the parts of your life that were hard flashing before your eyes in the time you have left. I will do whatever you need me to do or not do to make sure you don’t do that. You can’t change what’s already gone and you don’t know if there’s anything to come, so all you have is the here and now and that’s to focus on your treatment. Nothing else really matters.”
“You’re right. Actually, not entirely right. It’s not only my treatment that matters. You matter. But I think that’s why I’ve been thinking about my life, trying to figure out if I have regrets. I don’t think I really do. Or, if I did before, they don’t matter anymore now. My mind won’t switch off. This must be how Justin feels when he’s sick. I can’t imagine living like this all the time. It’s like I’m thinking everything and nothing all at once. But before I get a chance to figure anything out, I make myself sick or pass out from exhaustion.” Brandon put his hand over Merlin’s caressing his cheek and turned his head to kiss Merlin’s palm. “I don’t feel like I’ve wasted my life. This is just the first I’ve ever felt like I’m living, right when I’m actually dying. You make me feel like I’m living. Is it bad that I kind of want to go out and get wasted one last time in case I never have another chance to write myself off and survive an epic hangover?”
Merlin went to say something, holding up a finger but he just closed his mouth and shook his head. “Nope. I’ve got nothing. Besides the fact that would probably kill you when we’re trying to prevent any expiration of life in general, I would have to go with you and you’ve already seen not only what a lightweight I am, but the type of migraine booze gives me. They would probably take one look at my bone marrow and probably deem it has a blood alcohol content to intoxicate a small army. Then again, if that’s what you really want, I’m going to have to suggest you do it at home where I can keep an eye on you and well away from Wes. I just don’t think it’ll mix well with your meds, darlin’. Is it really worth it? There’s nothing else you’d wanna do instead? And yeah, that’s how Justin feels. He’s described it a lil’ like that at times. At least, that’s how he feels when he’s manic. When he’s depressed, his functioning slows right down and so do his thoughts. I know you’re not ready for this, baby. The whole transplant thing. I know you’re probably waiting to feel ready or expecting some enlightening moment about it but I don’t think you’ll get it. I think you’re going to be scared and not ready until they tell you you’re in remission.”
“He told me he was depressed the day I met him. I’m the first person who would know that fame means you only put your most polished PR persona forward but I saw in Justin that day that he doesn’t play that game. The person he puts forward is real. There’s no lies or mask he puts on and off, whether he’s in the spotlight or out of it. His PR team’s job is to preserve the real him and highlight the reasons he does all he does. That was so fucking sobering to see, you know? I always thought fame was about pushing the fake with the smoke and mirrors. Playing the game and all that. Even the things Justin wants and needs to be kept private, he outright tells people there are things about his life he can’t talk about and that’s just okay. When he’s sick, he’s honest about it. And I was so fucking envious of that. Not in a way that I resent him or anything like that. It’s the opposite. I fucking admire him more than words can say. I feel like I’ve wasted my whole life. Which people would laugh their asses off, I know. I’m a successful actor and I’m loaded because of it, I’ve nailed what a lot of people measure life’s worth on. But I had no fucking idea what life’s worth really was until I met you and fell in love. And all of a sudden, I wanted what Justin had. To be able to do what I do and love it, own who I really am, be open and honest about who I love, make a difference using what I do to bring some sort of joy to other people. But I’ve completely fucking run out of time to even start it. I can’t shake this sick feeling inside that I’m not going to win this.” Brandon went quiet with a sigh and rested his head on Merlin’s knee, feeling a wave of exhaustion settle over him to have finally gotten all this out into words. This was the first he actually said out loud that he thought the transplant wasn’t going to be successful. He hadn’t wanted to burden Merlin with it but Merlin knew him well enough now to be tuning into him when things were off.
“I thought that might’ve been the case,” Merlin murmured, stroking Brandon’s hair. He traced his tongue over his lips. “You’re not telling me you don’t wanna do it, are you? Is that what you’re trying to navigate to? Don’t clam up on me, darlin’. We promised we were a team on all this when we got married. If this is how you feel, we need to talk about it. I need to be able to brace myself if this is the choice you wanna make.”
Brandon lifted his head to look up at Merlin. “No, I’d never do that to you. Even if there’s a huge part of me that’s so fucking exhausted, no way in hell would I ever marry you then just turn around and tell you I want to give up. If I hadn’t met you, maybe. I probably just would’ve wanted to pull the plug. I’m just scared I won’t survive it which makes going into it agonising. I can’t see the outcome and I don’t think I’m coping well with it now it’s right here. Am I driving you nuts? I feel like I’m all over the fucking place.”
“You’re scattered but I don’t think you could be anything but. You’re feeling worse now the metastasis is confirmed, you’re trying to keep up with everything going on, you’ve been on information overload for weeks. Don’t be so hard on yourself, baby. Take it as it comes. This scan was another blow. You’re not driving me nuts. You’ll drive me nuts if you don’t just let yourself feel what you need to. Are you going to be okay while they take me through to get this thing done? I can get Damo to come keep you company. I don’t want you to be on your own. Not today. You’re burning up again. Maybe you should go home and lie down while I’m having the test?” Merlin pressed his fingers softly to Brandon’s forehead and cheeks. The fever spikes were coming more and more often for him.
The curtain around the bed swept back and Liam stuck his head around the corner. “There you are. I just spoke to Damien. He said you were in for scopes. How did you go with the prep? It can be pretty full-on. How are you feeling, Brandon?” He had a look at Merlin’s chart to see what doctor was doing the procedure. “I just spoke to the nurse, you’re up next if you want to lie back in the bed.”
Merlin’s eyebrows shot up seeing Liam there and in scrubs and his lab coat. “You’re working? So soon after what happened with Pax? I thought you’d be up there with him staring at all the monitors or something.” He slid off the side of the bed and Liam helped him pull the blanket back. “I ain’t got undies on under here, darlin’. I think I totally just flashed you,” he laughed, glancing at Brandon over his shoulder.
Brandon smirked at Liam and gave Merlin’s butt a squeeze through the hospital gown. “He says that like I’d have a problem with it. I’m doing okay, dude. Bit overwhelmed, but it is what it is.”
“He’s more than overwhelmed. We just got the results from his PET scan. There’s metastasis through a lot of his lymph nodes. I was just trying to convince him to go home for a lie down while I do this thing,” Merlin explained, handing Liam the iPad where Brandon had the scan images Tara sent him.
Liam held the covers back so Merlin could get into the bed so they could take him through to the OR once it was his turn up. “They need to keep him sedated for now until some of the swelling on the brain reduces. All I’d be doing is sitting around stressing. His family are with him and I’m checking in every chance I can. It’s one of those awful situations where we all really wish there was more we can do but it’s just a matter of waiting and letting the medicine do its thing.” He took iPad and had a look at the PET scan images. “Oh, Brandon. I’m so sorry, love. You’ve got to be in a lot of pain with this. But hey, I know no matter how much your other half tells you that you should go home and rest, you’re not going to go home until you know he’s okay. I’ve been in two surgeries this morning so I need to take a load off for a bit in the doctor’s lounge. He won’t be in long, so you’re welcome to come have a cuppa with me while you wait. They can page right through to me once he’s moved to Recovery.”
“I’m not going home. He’s never had any sort of procedure like this before. I’m waiting.” Once Merlin was settled in the bed, Brandon gave him a pointed look. Liam was spot on guessing he wouldn’t want to go home while Merlin had his test. “I don’t care how much pain I’m in, I need to take care of him too. That’s what we promised when we got married. Even if the whole TLC thing has been heavily balanced in my favour, I still want to take care of him too. Even if he’s fine. Fine-ish. The prep was pretty nuts. He was up all night, he hasn’t slept. Have you spoken to Jaxson? I feel fucking terrible that I haven’t been able to see him.”
“It’s no big deal. I’m okay! The PET scan results were a shock and he was up all night with me, so he needs rest. But okay, okay, darlin’. We can go home after and crash together. We’re back here tomorrow at the ass-crack of dawn anyway. Go with Liam. I’m sure the seats will be way more comfortable than these shitty offerings. I’ll feel better knowing you’ve at least got some company,” Merlin insisted, putting his arm up behind his head once he was in a comfy spot. “Company I know he’s in good hands with and won’t just shove him in a waiting room with a five year old fishing magazine and cheap teabag tea with longlife milk.”
Liam put his hand on Brandon’s shoulder, letting him know he was there to help him up if he needed it. “Who are these barbarian’s making Brandon Blake drink teabag tea? That’s blasphemous! Don’t worry, mate, you’re in the hands of a purebred Englishman. I will put you down and out of your misery before I put anything with a teabag in front of you. We’ll have Merlin back in your capable hands as soon as they give him the all-clear in Recovery. They won’t let him go until he can eat, drink, and pee, though. You can resume your husband duties when he gets back to the ward. You guys want to say goodbye before the cavalry comes?”
Brandon pulled himself out of the chair and leaned over to give Merlin a kiss. “I promise next time someone puts anything up your butt, baby, it’ll be way more fun.” He gave Merlin a smile and tucked the blanket in around his chest. “I love you. I’ll be here to try to coax you to eat a crappy ham sandwich when you get out. Then we can go home and get you some real food. Don’t stress, I’m good hands. I’ll see you soon.” He took Merlin’s hand to give it squeeze and they shared another kiss.
Merlin laughed, lacing his fingers through Brandon’s to hold on just a little longer. He would only be gone an hour or two, but time was so precious these days. “I’m going to hold you to that promise.” When the nurse who admitted him reappeared with an orderly to take him through for the procedure, he had to reluctantly let go. “And make sure he holds you to the good tea. Thanks, Liam. I really appreciate it.”
Liam gave Merlin a wink and gestured to the door he had come in via. “Let’s head out this way, mate. Less chance of running into prying eyes or random scary fans lingering in corridors. Don’t worry, the doctor’s lounge is staff only, save for the odd exception to the rules. My colleagues are cool, they won’t mind. A lot of them know Merlin anyway. It’s pretty big news you’ll be getting your treatment with our transplant team. Then again, not really surprising. Lachlan’s a rockstar at what he does. He’s one of the best in his field, internationally.”
Brandon wanted to wait until Merlin was taken through the large swinging doors at the end of the holding bays, giving him a wave as he disappeared through them. “Yeah, I realised what a big deal he and Tara were once I did more of my research up at Cape Cod. They’re going to take good care of him in there, right? Sorry, I don’t mean to be one of those relatives and I know it’s not a big deal of a procedure. This is just all new to me. Before I got sick, I hadn’t set foot into a hospital in about ten years and that was only because the school sent me in an ambulance when I fell out of a tree. I don’t really care so much about myself, but he’s everything to me. He hasn’t had anesthetic before either.”
“No judgement here, mate. I understand you’re nervous. Any procedure has risks but they’re minimal in this case. He’s in excellent hands and scopes are usually in and out in twenty or thirty minutes. Even if he doesn’t have an easy go with the anesthetic, many people don’t. They know how to handle it. I know he’s precious cargo.” Liam held the door open for Brandon. “Is this because you’re worried about risks or you’re worried they’re going to find something serious? You have cancer. It’s okay that medical shit makes you nervous.”
Brandon glanced at Liam as he passed, biting his lip. He appreciated Liam’s calm and gentle bedside manner but he didn’t realise what he had been doing until Liam was open and asked directly. “Yeah, I think that’s probably a big part of it. I know his stomach gets upset when he’s stressed. There’s that rational part of my brain telling me that something like that isn’t uncommon. Then there’s the louder rational part of my brain that reminds me I wrote aggressive cancer off as overworked fatigue for a year. People asking me if I had chronic fatigue or mono because something like that is common, right? Long story short, I appreciate you giving me a distraction until he’s out and if you can give me any tips on how he should be after it would be great.”
At the end set of doors, Liam tapped his security pass to the pad and the door buzzed open. He held it for Brandon. “Well, I’m a clinician, so I’m not going to promise you they won’t find anything. That goes against all my professional ethics. I’ve opened seemingly perfectly healthy people and found horrific things inside them based on minimal symptoms. The thing in Merlin’s favour is he’s been like this since he was a really young child. That doesn’t mean other things can’t come to light. My best advice is to just wait until the results. Until then, preserve your energy. Come have a cuppa and rest for a bit.” He led Brandon into the staff room which was luckily in a lull. There were a handful of his colleagues there on their breaks but they already knew Liam had a connection to Brandon so they just offered a discreet wave and went back to doing their own thing.
Liam gestured to the sprawling modular sofa in the middle of the room. “Take a seat. I’ll make you some tea. There’s a great herbal blend here to help with stress. That shit can be better than coffee for some shifts.” He spooned some of the leaves into the plunger pot and filled it with hot water from the urn. Then be brought it over with a couple of mugs, placing it on the coffee table to let it brew. “It depends how he tolerates the anesthetic. Sometimes patients can feel nauseated or have a bit of tummy pain after. A lot feel quite drowsy. It’ll be like a test run for his bone marrow extraction surgery.”
“B!”
With a frown of confusion, Brandon looked over his shoulder from where the familiar voice came from and saw Jaxson hurrying over to him with Jesse - in purple scrubs - trailing behind him. He pulled himself up from the sofa his butt just settled on. “Jax! What are you doing here? Jeezus, you’re okay to be here?” As soon as Jaxson reached him, he put his arms around him in the best hug he could manage, which wasn’t a lot. The cancer metastasising to his lymph nodes meant he lost a lot of strength in general.
Jaxson was almost as relieved to hug Brandon now as he had been the day they reunited. “Liam paged Jesse and asked him to bring me down here so I could see you. He’s been nursing Paxton and I was hanging around like a bad smell, not knowing what the fuck I can do. They’ve cleared me but they won’t let me see him because he’s in the ICU and I’m not family. Christian’s going to see if he can let me in this evening when he’s at work. But fuck, it’s been horrible. They wouldn’t let me near you either. They said you got some bad news on test results? How’s Merlin? It’s just a routine thing, yeah?”
“I know, dude. I’m about two steps from being a bubble boy. I hear that’s next on the agenda. I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t be there for you when all this was going down. How are you feeling? You okay?” Brandon sat back down and shot Liam and Jesse a grateful smile. “Thanks for this. I’ve been worried sick about him. So much shit is going on, my head’s spinning. I’m running on about half an hour sleep. Cancer cells have metastasised to a good portion of my lymph nodes. It’s bad news but not unexpected. They’re just scoping Merlin’s gut to make sure he’s okay to go ahead with the transplant.”
Jesse went over to make himself a strong coffee and came back to flop onto the sofa, putting his feet up on the coffee table. He was working a double and already looking forward to his crashing in bed when he got home later tonight. “No change in Paxton’s condition. It’s to be expected. It’s far too soon for him to be recovering, considering how quickly it progressed. The incubation period has passed and the antibiotics have done their job. He’s not infectious. But they need to keep him sedated a bit longer until the swelling reduces to try and prevented, you know… long term issues.” It wasn’t an easy subject for Jesse. Usually he was fine nursing meningitis patients. He’d been there, he knew how sick it made you. But this was Paxton. He was family and it made it that much harder not having a clear prognosis yet. “His family really want to meet you, Jaxson. Don’t stress about that. They’re nice folk.”
Liam sat down beside Jesse and patted his back. “You look tired, Jess. I know this is hard, being Pax. And you’ve been there. It changed your life forever. But I also know you and you wouldn’t not want to nurse him. And I second that. The Carlyles are basically the nicest people on earth. I think they want to thank you for taking care of him on the flight.” He handed Brandon a couple of cushions. “If you’re in pain, mate, feel free to lie down. This place won’t get busy until the next shift break.”
Jaxson put his hand over Brandon’s. “No. No, I don’t want you worrying sick about me, B. You need to focus on your family. You and Merlin. You’ve got some fucking scary shit you’re about to dive into. I’m okay. Like, don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely fucking shitting myself on the plane. Pax was so sick. He seemed okay in the airport and then he just wasn’t. The staff were incredible, though, and so were the paramedics and all the doctors here. But you have to take care of you, Bran. I’ve got all these guys and fuck have you married into one of the most amazing group of family and friends. I’m not even kidding, my mom is, like, BFFs with Jace’s grandma now. They knew you couldn’t see me, so they were there for me, making sure I knew what was going on. Liam, you’re a fucking angel. I swear to god.” He wasn’t someone who cried easily but he put his fingers to his lips, tearing up. “Sorry, I’m pretty wiped out. I’ve hardly slept.”
“Taking care of my family doesn’t cancel out worrying about you, dude. Trust me, I’ve got enough quota of stress to last me a lifetime. Which says a lot, considering that might have a pending expiry date. I knew how freaked out you would be. I hadn’t even had a chance to really talk to you about what things were between you and Paxton. You should go home and try to get some sleep, though, or you’re going to drive yourself fucking nuts.” Brandon patted Jaxson’s shoulder, giving him the once-over. He hadn’t seen Jax this rough since they got trashed a few times in high school not long before Brandon got his big break. “I’m not one to put a lot of confidence in prognoses, but what are Pax’s chance here? Is he going to wake up? Is he going to be okay if he does? How bad does it have to be before it risks something like Jesse ended up with, long-term health issues?”
Jesse shook his head, steadily working on his coffee. He would be on his second soon enough and he wasn’t even usually a fan. It was a staple on double shifts. “It’s like cancer. A billion possible outcomes and variables. It’s not something you can know until he wakes and they can assess physical and cognitive functioning. Unless things go south before then. That’s what happened with me. I was having massive seizures as soon as the bacterial infection got into my brain. Paxton had one seizure in resus when he first got here but it was almost certainly pyrexia. His temperature was dangerously high, they had to use cooling blankets until the meds to bring it down worked. His electrolytes were also severely imbalanced, which could have contributed. He was probably feeling quite ill in the lead-up to getting on the plane. He probably had vomiting and diarrhea before the worst of it hit but don’t feel bad if he didn’t alert you to it. You guys were on a booty call. It’s not nice getting sick in front of someone you’re newly dating. Jace had a bad seizure the first night we spent together but it more solidified things between us that be any detriment. Brandon probably understands that side of things. It’s just a horrible thing that all you can do is wait to get answers. Then whatever happens, you gotta deal. There’s no other way.”
Liam sat forward so he could pour the tea for him and Brandon. He got up to grab another mug for Jaxson too. “He mentioned to me that he hadn’t been feeling well in the night. Meningococcal is a strain that is really fast-acting. Once it hits, it’s a danger zone. It’s why it’s such a serious medical emergency. There was a delay getting him that, so we just have to hope for the best. Love can come of pretty horrific circumstances, you know. The first time Damien tried to kiss me, I punched him,” he admitted with a slight laugh. They could joke about it now but it was tough at the time. He didn’t realise how traumatised he still was until he tried to start a physically intimate relationship for the first time since he was raped.
Jaxson was grateful for the tea, even if it was some herbal blend. It smelled a bit weird but the taste wasn’t too bad. “I feel like I nearly killed him for not realising he was sick before we got on the plane. If I had, we could’ve gotten him to a hospital in Paris. But I know… Liam explained that it’s more complex than that. Pax probably didn’t realise he had anything serious. I wish he’d known he could’ve told me he was feeling sick. I don’t have any experience with this dating thing but I would’ve winged it. I at least had some watching Merlin with B up my sleeve. But I crashed that night because we’d been up all the night before. If he was sick, I slept through it. I know he was running on empty. He was living on Red Bull and coffee. But… I’m really into him. A lot. I thought it was just a fun hook-up but when it was happening, I knew it wasn’t. So, if he comes through this okay, I really do wanna ask him out. If you guys have any tips on this dating thing, I’m all ears. Like, you’ve all nailed it, regardless of the tough shit you’ve been through.”
“How prepared are you to help him recover from this?” Jesse asked, figuring it was best to just hit that question directly. “He’s not just gonna wake up and be okay. He’ll be in here for a little while. If there’s issues, there could be rehab. What I’m trying to say is, the person you hooked up with at the wedding and had a booty call in Paris with, that’s not who you’ll date if you want to pursue this. Taking care of someone who’s sick is really fucking hard. Now would be the time to cut your losses if you don’t think you can cope and there won’t be any judgement.”
Brandon put the mug to his lips, watching Jaxson closely for his reaction to that. He had been estranged from his best friend for so long that it was impossible to know if this was what Jaxson would want. Not that anyone wanted it but Merlin - and other people he knew - were proof that they were willing to take the good with the difficult when you cared for someone enough. But when Jaxson met Pax, this wasn’t an issue. Pax hadn’t been sick. Now he was fighting for his life in the ICU. Brandon knew Merlin could be facing someone similar in coming weeks, even if they had a game plan going into it. He didn’t think the younger, more naive Jaxson would want to take something like this on but if he was guessing right, he was pretty sure Jaxson had been falling for Paxton in the wake of their romantic booty call in Paris.
Liam was the doctor here, he knew he had to intercept with a reality check, as much as he wished he didn’t have to. Jaxson deserved to know the bigger picture here. He sat forward so he could see Jaxson’s face. But when he went to speak, he choked up and had to put his tea down to take some bracing breaths. “Jaxson, Pax could be disabled, mentally or physically. He could be brain-injured. He could have long-term medical conditions like Jess. Epilepsy, blindness, deafness, paralysis of limbs, balance issues. He might have memory problems or mood imbalances.” He closed his eyes and hung his head with a sigh. It was a hard reality for him to face too.
Jaxson just gaped in shock when Liam’s words sunk in. He couldn’t find words. He just kept replaying Liam’s over and over in his head. And he just didn’t have an answer. He wanted to. He wanted to say all the right things. He wanted to be selfless and chivalrous like Merlin had been with Brandon but he had never been more terrified, save for when he saw how seriously sick Brandon was with his own eyes. In the end, all he could do was get up and walk out when that doctors lounge suddenly felt hot and claustrophobic. Maybe it was better for him to just walk away rather than trying to help and fucking it all up. He was no Merlin. Not even close.
Brandon put his tea down on the coffee table. “I’ll go. Nothing like this has ever touched him before. I mean, save for hearing his best friend might die of cancer.” He was a struggle to get out of the low sofa and he was grateful when Jesse helped him up because moving around was getting harder and harder with the pain coursing through him. If Jaxson was running, there would be no hope of catching up. But he found Jaxson just a short way along the corridor across from some vending machines, crouched down against the wall, head buried in his hands. He couldn’t crouch down with him or he would have to stay down there. So, he just came to stand by Jaxson, leaning against the wall, and patted the top of his head. “Listen, buddy… you don’t have to feel bad if you can’t do this. You can still be his friend.”
“Could you have just still ‘been his friend’ with Merlin once you knew you were falling for him?” Jaxson asked, head still buried because suddenly everything felt too heavy inside it.
Brandon issued something akin to a laugh, a huff of breath through his nose that couldn’t quite anchor humour. “No way in hell, man. That guy literally had me from fucking hello. The moment he smiled at me in London, I was addicted. I did try to deny it, though. I tried to push him away so I didn’t burden him with all this but he was a stubborn fucker. He wasn’t taking any of that shit. But not everyone is built like Merlin. I’m not saying you can’t do what he did. Actually, I think you could and I think if you were thrown in the deep end, you wouldn’t sink. You’d swim. But this isn’t just asking you to nurse Pax through a case of the sniffles. Trying to love someone through sickness has got to be the hardest thing in the fucking world. But you can’t help who you love. I think you had enough time with Paxton when he was well for something to have started. Which means the fact he’s this ill will be killing you.”
“It’s not even all that. I mean, it is. Because I know I’m not even remotely near as fucking strong and selfless as Merlin is. That’s what terrifies me because I never have been. But I’m going on tour with Justin. It’s a career-breaking job and it’s not just going to lead to more epic contracts but he’s going to use my work in all his promotional shit when he drops his album. It’s not about the money. I don’t do what I do for the cash. I do it because I love it and Justin’s team scouting me because he liked the style of my work blew me away. He’s connected with my work on a deeper level than most artists I work with and that’s epic. Is it fucking selfish of me to want both? To try to take care of Paxton but still want to tour? I’m so fucking confused and… and… exhausted. Fuck. What if he fucking dies?” Jaxson lifted his head, looking up at Brandon with tears stinging his eyes.
Brandon closed his eyes for a few moments, clearing his throat. Then he checked up and down the corridor to make sure no one else was in hearing distance. “I heard Justin’s sick. I don’t know the ins and outs but I overheard Autumn on the phone and it sounded like it might’ve been an OD. When I first met him, he told me he was battling a depressive episode and joked about probably being manic the next day. I don’t know if it’s going to delay anything or how bad it was but it’s okay to focus on Paxton right now. If you have feelings for him, you need to confront them and figure out what it is. There’s no rush. You have time. If you want me to try to get more information on Justin, I can talk to Merlin. But it’s kind of a timely reminder that with a sick person, there’s nothing static. It can change in a heartbeat.”
Jaxson stared up at Brandon and shook his head. “Fucking hell, are you kidding me? That kid that was on top of the world taking the house down at your wedding just OD’ed? Do you know why? Fuck…” He exhaled deeply, scraping his fingers through his hair. “I feel sick. I’ve never fucking felt like this in my life. I’m falling for a guy who could be brain-damaged. My best friend is about to have an horrific procedure to save his life that still might kill him. The kid I’m supposed to be working for might’ve OD’ed. How the fuck can I know what I’m supposed to do here?”
“You’re exhausted and need sleep for one.” Brandon went over to the vending machine and punched in the number for a bottle of water. He took his wallet out and tapped his AmEx card to the pad to pay for it. He twisted the cap off and took it over to Jaxson, handing it to him. “You need to go home, take some Ambien and crash. You aren’t going to figure any of this out running on empty. You’re going to make yourself sick and all this will feel worse. There’s no ‘why’ with Justin, man. He’s mentally ill. This is his reality. I don’t know him very well but he was open and honest with me about the severity of his illness. Talk to Autumn if you need to. She’ll know more. And I wish I could hit a pause button on all my shit but it’s going lightning quick. I can’t deal with it so much myself. Merlin’s the only thing keeping my head above water. He’s given me a reason to keep going. Maybe that’s something you can use to help you reason stuff out. I take you home and get you drunk if I could but it wouldn’t help either of us.”
“Home? What home? I haven’t had a chance to get a place here.” Jaxson asked with a humourless laugh. He flopped from a crouching position to sit on the lino, dropping his head back against the wall. “I don’t think I can just walk away from him, B. The time we had together in Paris before he was sick, it was pretty intense. We talked a lot. I felt a real connection and felt things I’m not sure I’ve felt before. Or maybe things I thought I felt for you once but we all know how that turned out. I think the realness of it is scaring me. What would you do in my position? I know, I know… you’re married. You could die. I know you probably can’t think about much else right now.”
“I’d stick by him and do everything I could to just be there for him,” Brandon replied without any hesitation. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his house keys. “Go to our place. Hell, move in if you want. It’s not like we don’t have the space. It’s okay, we’ve got Merlin’s keys to get in when we get home. Call Montana and she’ll give you the security access code. Jax, if you felt that with Paxton, you’re not just going to be able to walk away. It doesn’t work like that. Feelings and love are pretty intimidating things, the amount of power they have over us.”
Liam came up the corridor and held his phone up. “Merlin’s in Recovery, mate. The procedure went without a hitch but he’s having a reaction to the anesthetic with some belly pain and post-op vomiting. It’s very common, don’t worry. They’re going to keep him there a little longer until he’s feeling a bit better. They said you can wait for him back in the room if you want.”
“Shit. Okay. I’ll do that.” Brandon offered Jaxson a hand to help him up and then he gave him a hug. “Get some sleep so you can feel a bit better coming to see Pax in the ICU this evening.”
Jaxson gave a reluctant nod, knowing his mind was too exhausted to do any of this. “Thanks, mate. I love you, okay? If you guys need any help with any of this, just give me a shout. And Lia, thanks so fucking much again. I would’ve totally lost myself without your help.”
Liam patted Jaxson on the back. “I’m only a phone call away.”
LOG, COMPLETE