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nothingelsematters

Some days, dadding is just exhausting. Takes a lot of effort to remind yourself you're at least doing a fucking okay job of it.

lovesguinness

When ya' missus is in her 26th hour o'labour and all she wants t'do is kill ya' painfully with ya' own cock.

privateinvestigations

What do you call pregnant chicks' yoga class?

Fucking scary.

privateinvestigations

Easter Bunny and Jesus porn. NOW I have seen fucking everything.

gimmesomelovin

Just saw this totally badass granny pull a knife on a doped up teen dumbfuck who tried to steal her purse. Made him look like a total pussy. I want to adopt her with Judge Judy and Mrs Doubtfire for my grandmas.

privateinvestigations

Fuck, there's not even any hot nurses to perv on.

Christmas movie marathon with the boyfriend and family on a roster to watch each film with me. It's like an intervention, only with the urge to sing Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.

"Kindness is not an act, it is a habit."

privateinvestigations

Think I'm about to fall victim to cousinocide.

That awkward moment when someone you never thought you would see again discovers you have his name inked on your hip.

lovesguinness

I'm gonna be a fuckin' father again!

bemydownfall

Anybody got any ideas for food someone might be able to hold down on an upset stomach?

intothegroove

Sometimes, you've just gotta trust your gut/heart, whatever place the instincts niggle for you.

This sweet TLC companionship thing? I could get used to...

moviesismagic

Jacques Torres always used to be my first stop when I got to NYC. Not anymore.

fraternalfashionista

That awkward moment when you're shopping in the baby section of a department store, and your conversation with your husband makes a mother walk her child away with her hands over his ears. #marriedtherightman

starttomakeitbetter

No offense, USA, but I'm pretty sure Australia is the most beautiful place I've ever been... and sharing it with the most beautiful girl makes it that much better.

nothingelsematters

If it's not polite to tell a granny to fuck off, then call me an aggressive dickhead.

asskickingblahniks

Two of my favorite people are getting married this weekend, and I'm prepping for both their wedding and my own. Could not be happier or prouder of my boys OR of my family for all we've made it through.

letyourcolorsburst

Sometimes you just see or hear something so incredibly stupid that all you can do is laugh. Not that it impresses the stupid person, but not a lot of fucks left to give at that point.

ahickeyfromkenickie

When the ~~husband~~ cat's away, the ~~other husband~~ mouse will play... With himself. Thank fuck he's coming home tonight.

livingforlife

When you know your kid has hooked up with a hottie... proud mama feels. When he hasn't called you yet to gush about it? The urge to investigate sets in.

thankfuckforlife

When you're trying to be cool at work, and you trip up the stairs in front of your work mates.

lastfirstkiss

I thought I had stamina until I started training with a 16 year old kid.

thankfuckforlife

So, this is what a God Boner looks like?

everythingdesigner

Oh, Fashion Week, do we have a love/hate relationship.

soldiersheart

Okay, hit me with your best Bachelor Party ideas.

letyourcolorsburst

Something incredibly hot about a guy in leather with ink singing "If You're Happy And You Know It" to an eight month old baby girl.

nothingelsematters

That awkward moment when a strip-o-gram is delivered to your door by mistake and starts trying to dry hump your husband after a terrible rendition of 'Happy Birthday, Mr President'.

bringmebacktoyou

It's really not cool to have a crush on your paramedic, is it?

puckhardandcarryabigstick

The best thing about the off season is waking up to my fiance in bed with me most days instead of teammates who smell like corn chips in the other twin bed of a hotel room.

warmredautumn

If there's anything I've learned, it's that life changes very quickly... And sometimes, it's heartbreaking change, and others, it's a massive change for the better. Either way, there's no way to prepare for it. You just go with the flow and see what happens.

lovesguinness

One more fuckin' "Oh, Captain, my Captain" joke, and I'm gonna start fuckin' supergluin' ya' arses t'the shitter seats.

losing_my_religion

That awesome moment when your parents call you because they're surprised you haven't come crawling back to them yet... And you get the joy of giving them the "fuck you" button.

nothingelsematters

I can see why people develop fucking booze addiction.

inkandleather

How, in the history of the universe, could anyone think THIS was a good idea for a home décor design?!

asskickingblahniks

My husband may be a hardass attorney in the courtroom, but he is the most romantic man I've ever met outside of it... And the best father to our son. Who is now, finally legally, our son.

It's been a great trip to Australia. ♥

nothingelsematters

So much beauty to hide so much shit.

breakthesilence

Fostering a kid is more rewarding than I could've ever friggen anticipated.

privateinvestigations

If I wasn't already married to a lesbian, I'd totally go out and get hitched to my lover somewhere in the Bible Belt right now, because that shit needs fucking honouring. Next stop, legal dope and legal polygamy, maybe?

slowsouthernstyle

Apparently the average male has 4-5 erections a night, each lasting around 30 minutes.

Thanks, Embarrassing Bodies. The things you learn when you're stuck in front of a TV for days on end.

moneyfornothing

Thank god for hookers, because the quality of the porn these days is definitely dropping.

fiftyshadesofgrayson

I think I should stay off Google... It always gets me in trouble.

♫ : Closed to his versemates

picturesofyou

As if being in hospital isn't awkward enough, it's so very much enriched by being put in a gown your arse hangs out of, bedpans, shit food, and being stabbed with pointy things. Feeling shit isn't enough, it's like "Oh, you're feeling bad? Here, have a catheter because our student nurse needs more practise!"

letyourcolorsburst

Not often I agree with a religious statement, but I think the Buddhists had it right with this analysis.

gotmecomingundone

That moment when you fall asleep as the big spoon, but wake up as the little spoon.

learnhowtoplay

British people sound so much classier when they swear than Americans do... Even with my southern accent, I don't sound nearly as classy swearing when I stub my toe as my other half does.

literaryella

I can't remember the last time I was so glad it was Friday night... Year end tests and projects = billions of kids in the library every day... Okay, maybe not billions... But we're stretched thin for damn sure.

foreverfabulous

Wedding planning for 400+ guests is a nightmare. I give up, it's not fun anymore.

starttomakeitbetter

It's awesome when your girl's a Broadway star and you get to see her perform on stage... But my favorite performances are the ones where she comes out of the bathroom in a towel singing "Somebody to Love" into a hairbrush.

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Dream Like New York

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