dreamlikenewyork | "But either way, I got you in my DNA."

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"But either way, I got you in my DNA."

Who: Jesse Hartley and Cillian O'Donovan
What: A simple twist of AncestryDNA
Where: Hartley/Turner/Casey Home, NYC
When: After this and this

Jesse finished loading their bed clothes in the washing machine when he heard the doorbell chime and checked his watch for the time. The morning had started out pretty badly and time really got away from him but he wasn't foreign to a bit of chaos from time to time. There was just more than their fair share of it in the family lately. At least Merlin was being discharged from hospital, which was a weight off everyone's mind now he was on the mend.

Then Jace had a seizure when he went to the grocery store with Nana Turner, so Jesse had turned down shifts at work for the rest of the week so he could take care of him for what would inevitably be a few days out of action. Jace slept most of yesterday away but he was really struggling with is functioning, so needed Jesse's help with everything. When he woke up that morning, he was a little more lucid but ended up having an accident in bed when his brain misfired the messages to his body. He was feeling pretty miserable and wanted to go back to bed to sleep once Jesse got everything cleaned up and remade the bed. Jesse gave him a kiss and a cuddle, tucking him in and telling him to just call out if he needed help. Jesse would keep a close eye on him anyway, in case there were any aftershock seizures.

Regardless of that, he still had every intention of keeping his promise to Merlin to reach out to Cillian for a chat. Even if it was just to get a bit more information and clarity around who he was and what intentions he had. He hoped that it helped allay some of Merlin's anxiety about the whole thing and help him make the massive decisions he faced. He spent a lot of time with Merlin the evening before last, asking him what he wanted to know of Cillian and if there was anything he wanted Jesse not to get into. No matter what happened, it was going to be difficult. Jesse knew that, having gone through meeting his own paternal biological family. Luckily for him, that all turned out pretty amazing but he knew it could just have easily gone the other way.

He went to answer the door and as soon as he opened it, couldn't help being surprised to not find someone standing there but sitting... in a wheelchair. There was no doubting it was guy in the photo from AncestryDNA that Merlin had shown them, though, so he smiled and offered his hand. "Cillian? I'm Jesse. It's nice to meet you in person."

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Cillian wasn't sure what he was expecting in 'one of Merlin's brothers', as Jesse had introduced himself by text. Despite much urging and even an attempt to dare him from his younger sister to stalk Merlin and his family online, Cillian had resisted. It wasn't him and it wasn't how he wanted to start any sort of relationship with his son, if he even got the chance to have that. This didn't guarantee anything. In fact, it sounded like Merlin wasn't sure at all, hence why he had asked Jesse to speak with him before he made any big choices. Of course, he had revealed to his own family that Merlin, the laddie who had cropped up on his AncestryDNA match as his freaking biological son was one Merlin Blake (nee Larson), who was not only the sidekick of Justin Campbell, a huge young triple-threat teen superstar, but also married to Brandon Blake, a mid-twenties-ish start of a excessively popular TV show. It just so happened - of course - that not only were Cillian's sisters both fans of both but so were others in his family. It was beyond a mindfuck. Cillian still had barely processed any of it. He was too distracted by the fact he knew the kid who was his biological was sick in hospital with complications of a disease that could absolutely run in families, so he likely passed it on to him via his genes. Still, his sister ended up texting with him late the night before to say she couldn't resist a bit of stalking herself and although she obviously found a lot on Brandon, she didn't find a whole lot on Merlin or his family. Even his Wikipedia page and Broadway profile were threadbare with basic facts. The only real mention she could find of anything significant was that it was Merlin who outed Brandon when his life was on the line following a stem cell transplant for leukemia where Merlin himself was the donor, and interview where he referenced finding out he was adopted in his late teens and scoring another big brother in the process. He said nothing else of his family, biological or otherwise. Although Cillian was peeved his sister went against his wishes, he was relieved to hear Merlin obviously valued his privacy and worked to maintain it, which was the feeling he got after talking to Brandon that day. He didn't know how to do any of this, let alone be a biological father of a guy who was obviously a celebrity but preferred to hold the celebrity world at arm's length. Hopefully, that would make the whole process easier, if that was even possible.

What he definitely wasn't anticipating was for Jesse to look like a supermodel. Brandon had too, obviously, but more in an of an edgy way. Jesse looked like he could step onto the frontpage of any fashion magazine as a Calvin Klein model and shit all over the other models. For some reason, he expected him to look like Merlin. There was definitely a resemblance there, though, so Jesse had to be a biological brother, so likely shared a mum. He didn't want to make any assumptions, though. As far as he was concerned, that was why this meeting was happening, so no one made assumptions. He shook Jesse's hand with a smile. "Cillian," he confirmed. "It's a pleasure t'meet ya', mate. Are ya' really sure it's okay with ya' husband poorly? As ya' can see, I'd more than understand the reality o' livin' long-term with a serious injury. I'm also a doctor, so I understand the challenges o' epilepsy, for patients and carers both. I don't wanna impose."

"It's no imposition at all. Please, come in. Jace has temporal lobe epilepsy with complex partial seizures, so he just tends to sleep a lot until he comes through it, so I'll check on him frequently to just make sure we can still rouse him but other than that, I appreciate the company and that you agreed so easily to come along." Jesse stood aside and held the door open so Cillian had plenty of room to get his wheelchair through the doorway. "I'm not sure what your preference is, but feel free to transfer to any other seat that might be comfortable for you. There's plenty of cushions if you need extra support for your back. If there's anything else I can get you, please let me know. Would you like tea, coffee, cold drink?"

He led the way into their living room, which had plenty of room for Cillian to navigate where he would be most comfortable. "I don't want you to think any of us, Merlin, Brandon, Damien and me as his brothers, don't understand that this is a huge deal for you. To even come to New York to try to find Merlin would've taken a lot of soul searching to decide, I'm sure. I'm not adopted myself but my mother is Merlin's birth mother, so I actually went through a bit of a similar situation when Merlin's adoption came to light and my mother told me then that my father wasn't my biological father. In fact, I discovered he was never able to father children, which is why he went along with the ruse about the mess of Merlin's birth. They also both happen to be extremely homophobic, so no distinct loss in our lives. I tried to find my biological father only to discover he'd passed, so I was able to give Merlin a lil' perspective from that angle. He's been through a hell of a lot lately, so I think he was just overwhelmed and needs more information to work with. Brandon, however, was also adopted so I think he's comfortable with us giving you the benefit of the doubt about your intentions for now. I'm not here to interrogate you, you're welcome to ask me anything as well."

Cillian drew his lips together sympathetically, shaking his head. "Bloody hell. I'm sorry, mate. That's a mighty tough burden t'live with. For patient and loved ones. Ya' said he was brain-injured, aye? Was it an accident o' medical event? Does he function okay otherwise, save for the seizures? Those are challengin' enough, mind. Just give me a sign if ya' need me t'leave, no questions asked. Appreciate the offer of a chair, though. So many folks in this world think just 'cause we move 'round in one, we don't wanna sit like usual. What part o' the South are ya' from? Spent some time there durin' my trainin' days. Er... I'd say obviously, considerin' the reason I'm here but honestly, I travelled a lot when I was in the RAF, so Merlin could've come to fruition in many potential locations. Shit. I realise how bad that sounds. I didn't mean to imply I'm some sorta manwhore. Just young, very single, and very much in need of blowin' off steam with stressful trainin' a time o' two. Tea'd be lovely. Cheers."

He winced at the 'extremely homophobic' part, flicking the brakes on his chair on so he could transfer to the nearest spot on the sofa. "I was just 'bout to say, I hoped I remembered his mum but now I think I'll shelve that. Shouldn't be any place for homophobia in today's society. Seems almost poetic karma for her t'end up with two biological children who'd have same-sex marriages. He has a good relationship with his adoptive family, aye? Sorry 'bout ya' real dad. In a way, it's not too far apart from why I wanted t'meet Merlin. I nearly lost my life and recoverin' from that was an ordeal in itself. After that, I haven't been able t'father children so it was such a surprise blessin' when he showed up on my DNA results. Or a gift o'God, as my wee granny said when I told my family. All I wanted t'do was map a wee bit o' my genealogy as a hobby and it gives me a potential son. I don't wanna assume he'll want me in his life. If it helps, I've got no concerns bein' interrogated. How's he doin'? Is he feelin' better?"

"It absolutely is a burden sometimes but the truth of the matter is, I have epilepsy too. We actually met in our doctor's waiting room one day. Generalized with tonic-clonic seizures, from nearly dying from meningitis as a kid. As much of a pain in the ass as having seizures is, it's kind of the lesser of two evils outcome. Jace cares for me as much as I care for him only his functioning is impeded. He was hit by a car when he was eleven and spent many months in a coma. He basically had to restart his whole development, so he never recovered it to full capacity. He needs help with a lot of basic daily living skills and has limited writing and learning capacity. What he lacks there, he makes up for in artistic and creative capacity. He's an incredible artist. When he has seizures, it's a lot like pulling the plug out of the wifi. He has to reboot. Charleston in South Carolina was where I was born, then moved to a town called Hartsville when I was a baby. Haven't been back in a long time, though. Too many bad memories, ultimately." Jesse pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "Let me just grab the tea and I'll be right back."

He was only gone briefly because he already boiled the kettle before loading the laundry into the washing machine so it didn't take long to set the tea-making things onto a tray, complete with a plate of Nana Turner's freshly baked Melting Moment cookies which she baked especially knowing Cillian was coming over. She lived in an apartment just a floor up and was on-hand to help if ever an extra pair of hands was needed if Jace was unwell. He returned and put the tray on the coffee table so the tea could steep a little. "Yeah, I think Merlin would much prefer to leave our mother out of all of it. He'll never forgive her for treating him like he was a dirty little secret that needed discarding. He won't spite you not recalling his conception. How were you to know if she didn't tell you? She didn't even tell him. His adoptive family are wonderful and from day one, he's been there's as if they birthed him themselves. I did think from your qualifications you maybe have been in the military. Were you a pilot in the Air Force? Was it an accident when you were serving that left you injured? A gift of God is a sweet analogy. Religion has done me no favours but if I did believe, that's exactly what Merlin would be. He's an amazing guy. He's on the mend but still not feeling 100%. Everything's functioning how it should be again, though. Just a bit miserable and sore. He's... they've gone through a lot lately."

"Shit. Seriously? How does a mam go through nearly losin' a bairn at a wee age only to practically disown him 'cause o' his sexuality that is just part o' who he is? Not that I can profess to be an expert on parentin' by a long shot but I can't wrap my mind 'round somethin' like that. Children are a blessin'. Ya' tend to think that even more so when ya' experience loss related to parentin'. A child nearly dyin' from a serious infection should trigger those same emotions. Then she went on and just... discarded Merlin too? Not that I want to pre-emptively judge 'cause I'm sure carin' for a child with epilepsy is tough, for sure. But what motivates such a cold response to ya' own children? Both o' them. I really hope I was incredibly drunk when I slept with her 'cause I don't think she'd be someone I'd willingly spent a lot o' time with. Is ya' condition managed and controlled? Are ya' still able to work with it o' are ya' Jace's full-time carer?" It was hard for Cillian not to think how like Jesse that Merlin might be. He was softly spoken and seemed genuinely caring and compassionate. Family definitely seemed like a main priority, as it was with Cillian.

He nodded in understanding, trying to figure out whether this was the best point to broach what he wanted to make sure Jesse knew. "I just want to assure ya' that my family and I are in no way homophobic. I'm sure considerin' what ya' been through, it's somethin' ya'd be understandably wonderin'. I'm gay myself. Havin' been in the military, I've seen a lot o' it and there's just no room for it in my family. Aye, we were raised Catholic but it's only really my granny who still practises. I'm gettin' a sense that ya' a really empathetic and compassionate guy, so I wasn't sure if ya'd be up front about askin' me about that sort of bias so I just wanted to put it out there. I don't want it to be a concern, as it should be just meetin' me for the first time. But aye, I was did all my medical trainin' in the RAF and was a fully qualified pilot. Aeronautical Evacuation was my speciality. It was on my third tour in the Middle East when the helicopter my team was flying to evacuate wounded soldiers after an explosion was shot down and crashed. Only me and one other Medical Officer survived the crash and it left me with a complete L1 lumbar spinal chord injury, so my legs are completely paralyzed."

Jesse cleared his throat, scratching his temple with his thumb. "Religion. That's the very simple version. I didn't come out to them until I'd finished college, which is when they disowned me and I moved to New York. Merlin's other brother, Damien, is my best friend from childhood. He'd already moved here to pursue a music career so I just followed when I..." He paused and then sighed, figuring there was no point censoring when Cillian was being open with him. "This isn't something Merlin knows because it's never come up between us but I was forced into an horrific conversion therapy. When I failed it, that's when they disowned me and I knew I had to get out for my own safety and mental health. It nearly completely broke me. Up until then, they were strict parents and very involved in the church but they were all I knew. There was no indication up to then that anything was awry. Me becoming so ill when I was a child was what made them more devout and strict. They believed their prayers had been answered and God let me live, so they were to repay him. It's a really fucked up messy situation and I wish I could tell you otherwise. I'm glad she gave Merlin up to the Larsons. He was unconditionally loved his whole life. They doted on him, he wanted for nothing. He was free to grow up whoever he was meant to be. That's all that matters. My epilepsy is stable and controlled but I have seizures here and there. I get warnings of mine, though. Albeit, briefly. Jace doesn't. I've been able to have a successful career as a Nurse Practitioner and I love my work."

"All things considered, I do appreciate that and I'm glad to hear it, that he'll be accepted if he chooses to meet you. I want him protected at all costs, especially considering we've all realised recently there's a lot we can't shield him from, nor would he want us to. Which is why we want to where we can." He sat forward to pour the tea. "I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. What other injuries did you sustain? Did they medically discharge you? That would explain why you now seem to own your own private practice in Ireland? It didn't escape me that you're an OBE, which is incredible. Was it for your services in the military? I can't even imagine the trauma you must've gone through and witnessed with three tours of the Middle East."

"Do ya' mean aversion therapy? That could've killed ya' if ya' epileptic. The drugs alone could've triggered seizures, let alone the traumatic effects on the body and mind. What the fuck sort o' woman is this person who had my child? I just can't get my fuckin' mind 'round who it was. Why would I bed someone like that?" Cillian held his hands up and then massaged his fingers across his forehead. "I'm truly sorry ya' had to go through somethin' like that. It sounds like ya' dealt with a lot o' abuse from ya' parents, even if ya' might not'ave realised at the time that's what it was. It's a relief to hear Merlin was blessed with a wonderful adoptive family. My gratitude for that knows no bounds. Nor for the fact that ya' clearly have been a wonderful brother to him. Damien too. It does sound like ya' found a happy life here in New York and are content. Albeit, with family stressors. The day I met Brandon, I could see he was exhausted. It's been a time o' it for ya' all and I do apologise for my poor timin' showin' up."

He put his hand on his chest. "I swear from the bottom o' my heart, he's already accepted. But we all haven't come in with unfair expectations. It took a lot o' soul searchin' on my part to even decide to pursue this because I was worried I'd shake his life up too much. What I read online when I was tryin' to find him, a husband in the spotlight with cancer and it nearly takin' his life? I was prepared to just sit back and wait until he e'er saw the results for himself and reached out if he wanted to. I just couldn't leave it, knowin' the accident left me unable to have children. Like my granny said, it's un-Irish to turn ya' back on ya' kin. I was medically discharged, aye. Not just from the physical injuries but PTSD. I nearly took my own life. Was on the very brink. The tragedy stole almost everythin' I held dear and the future I thought I had mapped out. It even lost me my partner. He broke the engagement when carin' for me got too much. Once I pulled myself through, I got involved in startin' up a charity for LBGT+ folk with spinal injuries to help give them meaningful engagement back in their lives and fund medical support animals for them. It was from my charity work that came the OBE. If there's one thing I do have empathy for, it's a difficult life."

Jesse got up and went over to the bookcase lining one of the walls. He dug an old photo album off the bottom shelf, leafing through the pages when he brought it back over to hand to Cillian. He pointed to a couple of the photos at the bottom of the page. "That's my mother and me. I was around seven years old. With the date, she would've been about eight weeks pregnant with Merlin then, give or take. Neither Merlin nor I look like her. It seems we both more favoured our paternal genes. I don't expect you to have any recollection. You were young and free to do what you liked back then, and it seems she believed the same thing, despite being married and having a child. She clearly lived two lives for a significant time during my childhood and prior to it. I'm sure being a young soldier in training, you had some wild times under your belt. Who can blame you? Plus, it sounds like there was at least a period of time prior to realising you were gay and coming out that you slept with women because you're not shocked that Merlin exists, just unsure how it happened. It was aversion therapy, yeah. At least, that was part of it. It exacerbated my epilepsy significantly and I was in and out of hospital for months in the wake of it. Which delayed me being able to work regularly to save to leave the place. It was abuse, you're right. I try not to think about it much anymore because it's world away from my life now. But I felt you should at least have the full picture of the whole fucked up situation. And I haven't even filled you in on everything yet. Brandon wasn't just exhausted the day you met him. He's ill."

"For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing, reaching out and giving him the choice. I know Merlin and I know that he would rather know you care than not. All this, me being a buffer, it's only because he's going through a lot at the moment and he can feel very overloaded when he's stressed because he has ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was a kid. You've been through hell and picking one's life up after such an ordeal is admirable. Of course you want to meet him if he's the only chance at kids, especially if kids was always something you hoped for. Just know, Merlin is an extremely sweet and compassionate guy. He's been through a lot, he loves people who have been through a lot. I can tell you're not bullshitting me because everything you're saying is easily fact-checked." He decided to leave out for the time being that Merlin considered having Clint do just that. "I can't even imagine what it would've been like to go through what you did. Not just one tragedy, but multiple. The crash itself, the spinal injury, hearing you can't have children, losing your partner, losing your job and what I'd imagine was a significant part of your self-worth and identity. I think it takes a hell of a lot of balls to be reaching out to Merlin after all that, knowing there's a chance he might decline meeting you."

Edited 2023-07-15 07:15 (UTC)

Cillian wasn't sure what to brace himself with seeing the photo but the thing that probably impacted him the most was that Jesse said his mother would've been in the early stages of pregnancy with Merlin when the photo was taken. "How did ya' take it when ya' parents told ya' they were having a siblin' they were givin' up for adoption to ya' best friend's family? I can't imagine doin' that to myself, let alone a seven year old kid who would barely understand. It didn't make things weird for ya' knowin' ya' mate's little brother was ya' brother but ya' couldn't tell him? What did Damien think o' it all?" He took the album, resting it on his lap so he could take his glasses out of his breast pocket. He didn't like to think of himself as old but his eyesight for reading wasn't what it used to be when he was young and in his prime. He didn't - at all - expect to recognise the woman in the photo... but did. Vaguely, but it was there and he raked through his mind trying to place where. Two decades was a long time to remember back to but he had already done the basic maths of approximately the timeframe Merlin would've been conceived. It could've been when he spent some time in the US but then the penny dropped. "Oh, fuck. Is ya' mum a teacher? Was she in London for a conference that year? My cousin's a primary school teacher. She was at a conference in London and I went to meet her for a few drinks one weekend, she brought some ladies she met at the conference along. There was a lot o' booze involved and I woke up the next day on the sofa in my cousin's hotel room sick as a dog with an horrific hangover and I held my liquor well back then. She said the chick I hooked up with got pissed off when I vomited in her bed so she dragged me back to dump me on her. I couldn't remember a damn thing and my cousin joked that maybe I was bein' brought doubles instead of singles. I couldn't even remember drinkin' that much. Think it might've been ya' mum. I'm not tryin' to dodge responsibility o' anythin' because she was flirtin' with me at the bar and I was flirtin' back. It's the hair. Remember thinkin' it was such an old fashioned hairstyle, like from the eighties when we'd passed the turn o' the millennium. This was before I'd come out as gay. My family still thought I was bi at the time but I was needin' to have a few in me to be with women."

He got caught up in trying to sift through the recollection and thought he maybe misheard what Jesse said then. "Wait. Brandon was sick too? He didn't say. Now I feel even worse tryin' to push him a wee bit. I was just desperate and wasn't sure what else to do. Is he okay now? He really did look rough. The immune system after leukemia treatment is--" He stopped, mouth dropping open slightly and he put his fingers to his lips. "Oh, fuck. Do ya' mean cancer? I could've swore I read online that he had gone into remission. Oh my god, that's why the buffer. That's why Merlin's so stressed. Aye, this has taken balls, I'll admit that but not 'cause o' what led me here. It's 'cause I never wanted to screw with his head. All what he's been through, I didn't want to add to it. If Brandon's seriously ill again, this really isn't the time for any o' this."

Jesse pursed his lips and cleared his throat, giving Cillian a slow shake of his head. "My parents never told me about Merlin. I wish this whole thing could be wrapped up in a tight lil' bow to deliver to you but the truth of the matter is, my mother hoodwinked a lot of people, myself included. She never told me or my... the guy I thought was my dad... anything. Merlin's adoptive mother - Damien's mom - was a friend of my mother's from church. She told Mrs Larson one day that she was raped but being strict on the religion thing, she couldn't bring herself to have an abortion. Damien's folks had been trying for another baby since Damien was about two and they couldn't have another because Damien's birth had been difficult. So, they offered to adopt the baby so my mother wouldn't have to have an abortion. Then because she told them she was so ashamed about the rape, they offered to keep her confidentiality and leave it a closed adoption. My mother and Mrs Larsen, who had told others she was pregnant, went overseas under the guise of missionary work, where my mother gave birth to Merlin and he was given to Mrs Larson straight away to bring home. He came very early and was very small, so they didn't need to be away as long as they needed. My mother never told my father she was even pregnant, which is a whole lot of logistical stuff I just don't want to think about. Damien's parents told Damien they were adopting Merlin but that it was a special family secret because they wanted Merlin to have as normal an upbringing as possible. Damien just took to being a big brother like a duck to water. I don't think he ever saw Merlin as adopted. He was just his baby brother and he protected him with his life, especially when Merlin had it tough as a kid. Like I said, he had ADHD and related anxiety, he was bullied because he was so tiny and needed glasses from a young age. When he won that global talent contest to score the supporting role in Footloose, he had to have a full medical and physical. They typed his blood and it came back as A-Negative. His whole life, he'd been told he was O-Positive, like his dad. Mrs Larson was a B type. He came and asked me if it was possible for an O parent and a B parent to have an A type kid because the same thing happened to me. I found out the same way when I was in the ICU after a really bad seizure and they ran a bunch of tests. That's how it all came out for Merlin, though, and he was fucking crushed. It put a bomb under his whole family and he didn't cope. Like, he had a complete breakdown so Caden, the Producer of the show, arrange for him to go on exchange to London for theatre training on the West End to give him space to get his head around everything. He didn't talk to his family for a long time but I was the exception to the rule. We just found out we were brothers and had gone through the same thing. It's a total mess, dude. I'd say the teacher conference in London is a fair bet. I can see you're horrified, so just know, I'm in no way suggesting you raped my mother. She's a pathological cheater and liar. I think you were just entertainment for a night, same as my biological father was. I'm sure if you were trying to figure out your sexuality, it was a complicated journey for you."

He held his hand up, holding Cillian's gaze firmly. "This can't go beyond us. I know you've signed an NDA and I trust you'll stick to it but yes, Brandon was just told while Merlin was in hospital that his leukemia's relapsing. He's no longer in remission. Barely days ago they got the confirmation and neither of them are dealing with it very well. It's both a shock to get the news but it wasn't a shock it was happening, per se. There were signs. Only a handful of people know, Brandon isn't ready to take it further yet until he talks to those closest to him. He wants to deliver the news himself. I meant it when I said this whole thing is deeply complicated on so many levels. Merlin asked me to talk with you in the interim to fill in some gaps for you because the truth is, he's just wiped out and struggling emotionally. His own health issues haven't helped and the stress even contributed to the flare ups in his bowel condition. Brandon mentioned you had a family history? You'd understand what challenges he's navigating. I can't predict ultimately how he will choose to deal with learning you exist but I know my brother and I think once he's had some rest and a chance to recover a lil' more, he'll reach out. Even if he's overwhelmed and scared, you coming to find him will mean something to him. I just can't say when or how. It took a long time for him to process and reach acceptance that he was even adopted in the first place. He's never expressed any urge to find his biological father. His AncestryDNA test kit was a present he forgot about and only took when he unpacked it upon moving to New York. Then the shit hit the fan and he forgot to check his results and his email was throwing notifications from the site to the Spam folder."

Nursing his forehead in his palm, all Cillian could do was stare at Jesse in disbelief as he processed everything he just said. 'Total mess' didn't seem to begin to describe it. He had encountered all sorts of people in his life, so he wasn't of the mind that everyone was inherently good and just had bad things happen to them. He had fought in a war, he knew that wasn't the case. Some people were just naturally arseholes and nothing you could do or say to them will alter that. But what he couldn't fathom on any level was being so wrapped up in your own bullshit, you effectively harmed your kids, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally... or all of the above. It was giving him the worst sort of skeevy dirty feeling that he had slept with a person who did this to two kids she conceived through her own bullshit. It did sound like Merlin well and truly dodged a bullet with the adoption but Jesse hadn't, and her actions with Merlin deprived Jesse of having his little brother in his life from day one. Instead, he grew up as someone else's little brother right under his nose. Plus on top of that, to keep her creep behaviour under wraps to hide behind the veil of faux devout Christianity, she shoved the kid she kept into fucking conversion therapy, which engaged in 'treatment' that risked his life. He actually felt faintly nauseous listening to it all, so he could only imagine how Merlin and Jesse felt finding out both their lives were lies. Then to go through all that, to this, what Jesse just revealed to him? "No..." he murmured, shaking his head sadly. "That poor kid. Of course, I read a wee bit o' what is out there in the public sphere when I was tryin' to find Merlin. It nearly beat him the first time and Merlin was his bone marrow match? That's incredible. But he'd still be on frequent screenin's so they got it early? Still, that isn't always a valid hope when it's aggressive, I know. Are they okay? Bloody hell. It does explain why Brandon was lookin' so poorly. My timin' with this couldn't be worse. Do ya' think it's best I just go home and leave the ball in his court if he wants to reach out?"

He closed the photo album and put it aside, forgotten and put his hand on Jesse's shoulder. "Ya' don't have to reassure me, mate. I appreciate ya' for it but I'm not here to really resolve how it happened. Figured it had a lot to do with booze and bein' a young military lad at the time. We had a lot o' wild times, to say the least. For sure, I don't remember more than I care to admit. I'm very glad those days are well behind me. There was a time I thought I was bi but it was more o' the fact I loved - still love - my high school sweetheart as a best friend, so it confused my comin' out a wee bit. Eventually did acclimatise to the fact I was gay but there was a period, aye, right 'round when Merlin would've been conceived that there was a kind o' anythin' goes period, if enough booze was involved. I'm Irish, what can I say? That all is by the by. It happened and it's how Merlin came to be. I don't have any expectations for this. I'm not even goin' to assume he'll meet me but I'd really like to, even if it's only once, so he knows it wasn't by choice that I'm not in his life."

"They've definitely both been better. I think we all have. I think Brandon's suspected a relapse briefly when his symptoms started to return and signpost it, but it's only been a relatively short space of time between then and when he got the test results to confirm it. It was enough of a gap of time for Merlin's stress levels to go through the roof and they weren't communicating so well. Brandon is trying to hold on to his agency over himself that he pretty much lost during his first fight because he was so unwell. Merlin just wants to protect him and take care of him. Wrap him up in cotton wool, per se. Which is something I very much understand as one of Jace's primary carers. He and I have had similar rough patches when we were learning to find a rhythm together. Illness, disability, injury, it's all such a tough cookie to crack because we're all different. They're so young too. Merlin was only nineteen when when he met Brandon. Brandon was twenty-three. That's a massive load on young people. What they do have, however, is each other. Their love is as strong as it can be and they're a great team. Like seriously, they're beautiful together. They've got all our support and everyone will be on hand to help again. I think it's just one of those take each day as it comes things. For now, right this minute, the focus is trying to get Merlin to rest so he can recover from his surgery which can be easier said than done. Brandon will start treatment in a few weeks, once they decide what way they'll be going with it. Merlin can't donate more bone marrow right now anyway. He needs to regain his strength a bit more. He's lost weight and hasn't been eating much, so that'll be the first aim. Brandon, physically, is holding up okay. I think he's just very fatigued. Don't make any big decisions just yet. I'll talk to him first."

He smiled and gave Cillian his tea now the photo was set aside. "Still, I'm sorry it happened how it did. It's not a pleasant thing to learn. But I'm not sorry that it did happen because we got Merlin out of it. Your DNA created a really amazing son and we're blessed to have him. If only that made it all breezier? Trust me, I know how overwhelming this stuff is. I met my own biological family, even after discovering my father had passed away quite young from a heart attack. I got twin brothers and a sister out of the deal. It's surreal how shit like this comes about. How did your family take it when you discovered you had a son out there that you'd never met? How do they feel about you coming here to meet him? We've got some Irish friends here in New York. Actually, one of the oncologists who saved Brandon's life is Irish from County Larne, I believe. Don't quote me on that. Her husband is Scottish and he oversaw Brandon's bone marrow transplant."

Cillian was surprised the tea Jesse just made was actually really good and he had to internally tell himself not to show that on his face. The last he was in the US, not all that long after Merlin would've been conceived, he found the tea to be utter shite. Any time he had been served to him, it was usually bag tea, which he hated, and if he was fortunate enough to be served loose-leaf tea, it was usually weak and not left to steep long enough. Jesse knew what he was doing making tea and he wondered if he learned from a Brit but that wasn't a conversation for today. With an empathetic slow nod, he put his mug on the coaster Jesse set down on the table beside the sofa. "Ah, aye. One's free agency and independence. Slippery suckers to juggle when ya' faced losin' them in any capacity. It was a big contributin' factor to the end of my engagement so the last thing I'd want to do is impose on the kids when they're tryin' to navigate their marriage through a second cancer diagnosis. I'd imagine Brandon was probably just beginnin' to get back on his feet. There aren't adequate words to express how difficult what they're jugglin' would be. Ya'd have to have been young dealin' with similar challenges with ya' hubby. Were ya young when ya' got married? If it's okay to ask. Ya' hardly pushin' anywhere near my own age. Ya' don't wish anythin' but peak health on young folk but if only life was that simple, aye? Please make sure Merlin knows he doesn't need to feel pressured 'bout anythin' to do regardin' me bein' here. If there's too much goin' on for him to deal with it, I can head home and come back another time."

"The how isn't a factor for me. Not even the who. Just that this kid who's my son came o' it. It's true, the accident left me infertile but I don't want Merlin to feel obligated because o' it. Truly, the only thing I hoped for is to meet him. Even just once." He picked up his mug again, nursing it to his chest. "They were all shock, o' course. A wee bit sad that we couldn't have known sooner. But we realised given his age that he'd have a whole life he's already lived without any o' us in it, which could mean he's content with that and only that. They're all very curious 'bout him. Who he is, what his life's like. Kind o' mindblown who he is and who he's connected to but we aren't starstruck. It's just a pretty cool part o' him. I get there's probably concerns that's why I'm here but it's not. We're just all excited at the possibility. Of gettin' to know a kid, grandkid, great grandkid, nephew. We'd written that off as a thing that'd be in my life. Do ya' mean Dr Tara Campbell? She went to the same university as my older sister. I know she's a world-renowned oncologist here and we heard the news locally when her fiancé at the time was shot. Her hometown's less than an hour drive from mine. I don't know her personally, though."

"Yeah, I have to admit, I'm somewhat relieved I was only seven when I got meningitis and came out of it with epilepsy. I don't have much recollection of life without it and of course, wasn't at an age where I had any real independence or agency over my life. I grew with it and it grew with me. Not to say that it was ever fun being teased and bullied for having fits and doing embarrassing things because of them but it's no secret that kids can be assholes. Damien was always my biggest protector. He's a pretty laidback guy but he's definitely not quiet and introverted like I always was and he called the assholes out when they were assholes. Outright threatened them if he needed to. Probably why he was such an awesome big brother to Merlin from day one. It was very shortly after I was sick and in hospital that Merlin was born. It as pretty fucked up for me to realise that at the time I nearly died from meningitis and was fighting for my life with it, my mother was pregnant with him. Damien's mom actually told me my mother was overseas at the time I fell sick but I don't much memory from around the time. It was after I was diagnosed with epilepsy and discharged from hospital that she told Mrs Larson she was pregnant. She was crying to her about how she didn't think she could take care of a new born while she nursed a sick kid but she couldn't have an abortion either, because of her religion. It all leaves a very bad taste in my mouth and I don't like to talk about it much these days because I've never wanted Merlin to think I'm upset at him or his existence. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was over the moon to learn he was my biological brother and I love him more life itself. But it doesn't erase that my parents are toxic homophobic bigots who were both very cold as parents. All the family love I knew were from the Larsons or a couple of my non-religious aunts and uncles, and their kids, my cousins. And the Turners now, my in-laws. They are basically the polar opposite of my family life. I'm so blessed. It's through meeting Jace and becoming a hands-on carer for him and my work as a nurse that I very much understand the struggle of fighting to retain agency. Brandon was fiercely independent and strong-willed before he fell sick and it's been a challenge for him to accept he needed so much help over the months. He had a tough and lonely childhood, so he learned to fend for himself for a young age. He has let Merlin in with everything and never diminished the help he's been to him. But of course, he was trying to rebuild and I think a big part of that was wanting to be the one to care for Merlin for a change. That's definitely something Jace and I get. The push-pull of caring for each other. Some days, you just feel shit being incapacitated and unfortunately, we take that out on those we're closest to." Jesse gave Cillian a smile, knowing if there was a paramount concept of what they were discussing here that Cillian would have empathy with, it would be that. Anyone who became wheelchair-bounded went through it and you never meant to spite your loved ones for tyring to help you through it. "Jace was twenty-one when we got married, I was twenty-three. Almost twenty-four. We were so lucky, we just clicked together. Everything made sense after I met him. Getting his family to relinquish trust to let me care for him, though? Definitely another story. Especially his big brothers. There's a big age gap between him and them."

He checked the app on his phone to see if Jace was still sleeping. "I'm just going to duck in to make sure I can still rouse Jace. I'll be bright back." Jace was still sleeping soundly and this was the worst part for Jesse, having to rouse him to make sure he wasn't having continued seizures. Jace was always bitchy when he got woken but this time, just nudge Jesse's hand away and re-burrowed under the covers, crashing out again. He returned to the living room, picking up his mug again. "It's natural to wanna buffer this whole thing for you and Merlin so he doesn't feel pressured but I really don't think he's going to reject you and cut ties. It's a unique situation, sure, but there's a big reason I'm pretty sure he will wanna give you a chance. His co-worker and close friend, Justin. Not sure if you have any familiarity with Justin Campbell's story but he came to New York to find his dad when he was fifteen and now they have an incredible close father-son bond. You don't need to buffer Merlin as much as you feel you need to. He's an old soul and has a big heart. He just needs time to process big emotions. Of course, I understand if you need to buffer yourself. It's okay to let yourself be a lil' excited that you found him, though. None of us could deny you that. Yes! Tara and Lachlan. I actually work with both of them at the hospital. I'm specialised in trauma and emergency medicine, so I straddle a few different wards at work. Did your sister study medicine too? Do you have a big family?"

Cillian was shaking his head as Jesse filled in more puzzle pieces. The mother sounded like a real piece of work and he was glad to hear neither Merlin nor Jesse were in touch with her. "How... does a mother do that to a child? Apologies, you don't actually need to answer that. I'm sure talkin' it out even as surface level is stirrin' up bad memories. It's comfortin' to know Merlin's true family loves him deeply and he had a good life and upbringin'. That's another thing I was concerned about, that my bairn ended up with a bad family and as mistreated. The reality is that he escaped the bad one. I hope the Larsons aren't worried I'm comin' in to stir up shite. Does Merlin listen to you and his other brother? You have a lot o' wisdom and I hope it can help him while I'm here bein' a pain in the arse without an iota o' warnin'. It said online from some unofficial source that Merlin nursed Brandon right through when he was sick the first time. That's incredible for bein' so young."

"He holdin' up, okay? Sometimes the aftermath o' seizures can be as rough as the actual event. I really do appreciate ya' sayin' that. About not bufferin' for Merlin. It means a lot. I'm sure it's as plain as the nose on ya' face, as Granny'd always say, that I have no idea what I'm doin' with this. It wasn't part o' the life game plan at all but it's not like I'm a stranger to unexpected events that change my whole life. I'm tryin' to wing it and it feels like I'm not doin' the best job o' it. The only time in my life I ever came slightly close to fatherhood is when my high school girlfriend fell pregnant right out o' school when she was at uni in Scotland. We were so young, just startin' out in our careers so it wasn't meant to be. Bairns, family o' my own, it was always one o' those things to think about later. But that elusive 'later' that has no real timeframe or plan. I think I just want to ease Merlin into it as much as I can, take it at his pace. I do know o' Justin and a bit o' his story. My mum and sister are dancers, so they're big fans of his work in a technical sense. They've both watch a helluva lot o' YouTube videos o' him dancin'. So, it's safe to say that they were both awestruck to hear Merlin is my son because apparently he's a very skilled dancer too. Even if he has to dumb it down a wee bit in the role, until the end. Assumin' the stage show is accurate o' the movie. Catraoine, my sister, says it is. I'm thrilled I found him. Just tryin' not to get my hopes up on how it'll play out," he admitted with a small shrug.

Jesse lowered his gaze to his hands, his eyes on his wedding ring in an effort to maintain his composure with what was extremely difficult subject matter for him. He had dealt with a lot of it in therapy, now knew that his childhood had been emotionally abusive, which had evolved into one episode of physical abuse when his father hit him after he finally exploded and screamed at them that the conversion therapy had failed because he still wanted to have sex with men. Having to deal with the conversion therapy aspect in therapy was a whole other demon and he had still never been able to find the right way to tell Merlin the full extent of what he went through. "I'm glad it was me that had that upbringing and not him. I would spare him any pain if I could. It's just that since knowing he was my brother, he's been through a hell of a lot and it's been a learning curve to be a brother and realise there's many types of pain I can't shield him from. I went through a similar journey marrying a person with a brain injury. That doesn't mean I'll ever stop trying, which I guess is why you and I are here today. That's not the sort of folk the Larsons are, though. I think that's the last thing they'll think. But we still all don't want Merlin hurt when he's got plenty of other things to be hurting over. Merlin's a fantastic listener. It's how he managed to hook Brandon. He's real close to both Damien and I. I'm grateful we do have that sort of relationship that he listens to us and confides in us. Damo and I kind of made that pact together when we found out about the adoption, that we'd be a big brother team. Damien's very different to me, we can bring different things to the table. Merlin absolutely did nurse Brandon through his first cancer battle. And then some. They're married because Merlin wanted to make memories for him in case Brandon died. They're both incredible. My heart breaks for them. I just hope they're strong enough to get through this again. We all have breaking points and they're showing signs of pressure."

"Jace? He's been better but a good sleep will help a lot. His functioning gets disrupted with his seizures, which frustrates him. You know how it goes." He laughed softly, holding his hand up. "Don't worry, it's not as obvious as you think. On the contrary, I feel like you're decisions around finding Merlin and reaching out to him have been measured and considerate. You'd be scrambling around screwing it all up if you didn't know what you were doing. You're not the young military lad exploring the world that you were back then. You've got a whole complex collection of lie experience behind you and when that involves significant trauma, we play our cards closer to our chests. You're now an intelligent guy with a twenty year old son. Don't sell yourself short. What I can say is that I think you're going to be awed by him. He's very sweet and funny. Huge heart. Talented. Definitely a kid to be proud of. It's okay to just have faith in the discovery process. Easing him in will be appreciated, I'm sure. If only because he has a lot on his plate. That doesn't mean it'll be hard. It might feel more natural than you think. Are you serious? Dancing? Well, that explains his performing talent. It definitely didn't come from my mother's gene pool. That's something I know he'll love to hear and learn more about. The stage show is fantastic. You should see it. Unfortunately, Justin's still in Australia after a car accident but his understudy is excellent too."

Cillian saw Jesse withdraw just a little but it was short-lived before he regained his composure. Whatever was on his mind was difficult and Cillian respected what he was going through doing this for his brother. He definitely didn't have to but he was grateful for Jesse's time and open honesty. "Still, that doesn't make ya' trauma disappear. It's human nature for any siblin' who is close to their brothers or sister to need to protect 'em any way ya' can. Wantin' to take his pain, I get it. I truly do. But from what I've learned o' Merlin so far, I'd his heart'd break for ya', knowin' ya' survived conversion therapy and an abusive upbringin' because o' religion and bein' gay. Of course, I don' know 'bout Merlin's own journey with his sexuality or comin' out. If he even did. Not everyone considers themselves as havin' a comin' out. I know Brandon's was significant and probably traumatic. Did he not wanna be out in the spotlight? I only read small amounts online 'bout him when I was tryin' to decide if I should try to contact Merlin. I can see he's extremely private 'bout his personal life. Merlin seems like an easygoin' kid who posts a lot on his social media but again, nothin' considerably private. Valuin' privacy through a serious illness is understandable. They don't owe their fans anythin. But sounds to me like he's definitely lucked out in the brother stakes and it's comfortin' to know he has so many folk 'round him and that he has two brothers and a husband who'd protect him and care for him with their lives. Honestly? That's all I wanted to know. I could walk away right now if he decided not to meet me and be happy with that. 'Course, I still hope to actually meet him but I don't want to add to his pressure. I'm sure if I even had an inklin o' the depths o' what he's goin' through, I'd have not reached out to find him."

He nodded, smiling. "I'm already awed by him. It's very hard to explain but I feel all these emotions that are overwhelmin' at the moment but I don't regret the decision I made. I haven't played any part in him becomin' the amazin' young man he sounds like he is but I gave him life and I'm proud o' that. Aye, completely serious. My sister danced for five years with the Royal Ballet in London and owns her own dance studio here now. Kind o' an offshoot o' Mum's studio in Ireland. My family are all quite chuffed too, 'cause his name has Celtic origin and Dad's favourite movie is Excalibur. They're all a wee bit less measured than I am, only 'cause they're excited. They'd all have come with me if they could but we don't want to overwhelm him anymore than this'll already been a mindfuck. I tried to get tickets to the show but haven't been successful with the lottery process. 'Course, I'd prefer to see it when Merlin's performin'."

Jesse took a deep breath and then cleared his throat as he exhaled, shifting in his seat. "Yeah, um... Merlin doesn't know I went through conversion therapy. Not many folk do. They know I grew up in a strict religious family and they know my father hit me when I told them I was marrying a man. But when I came to New York, it wasn't just to escape all that, it was to have a fresh start and a place I could live at peace as who I really am. Even then, I had a tough time when I first got here. Just as I was about to crawl back with my tail between my legs because nothing was working out, I met Jace and he was this unbelievable beautiful miracle for me who literally changed my life. I know Merlin. I know the way his mind works. Even though it would be crazy for him to think it, he would feel guilty it was me and not him, or that he wasn't there for me. Then he would get angry at my mother all over again for not telling him about the adoption so we could be brothers from the get-go. Then he would get upset about the adoption again. He's had more than his fair share of things to be upset about, this doesn't need to be one of them. He's not ashamed about being adopted. It was never that. He was mostly hurt because he thought his family were ashamed of it, like he was their dirty little secret. It took time for him to process and understand that he was never a dirty little secret for them, he was just never viewed as 'adopted'. For them, he was always just there's and belonged with them and they didn't want him to have the weight of being 'othered' or looked at differently. The Larsons' hearts were in the right place and it took time for Merlin to begin to see that. And I know you might be thinking about Damien's input here. He didn't know Merlin was my mother's. He knew he was adopted and that was it. But he was only six at the time, so he didn't understand the extent of that and Merlin was just his baby brother from that day on, no questions asked. He was an incredible big brother to him. When the time comes that I know is right to tell Merlin about the conversion therapy, I will. I'm not actively keeping it from him, I'm actively trying to spare myself reliving it again because he will want to know everything. Merlin never really specifically came out. He identifies as pansexual and for him, the way he describes it, is he doesn't really see gender, he sees and is attracted to a person's essence, their inner corse. His ex-girlfriend, Cassidy, is trans and when he was dating her, that's when he began to understand his sexuality more. They both had a lot on their plates at the time, so they decided to just be friends and are best friends now but he didn't really come out, he just made he choice to be out with his family and friends. He only really went public with it after he met Brandon. He didn't date while he was dealing with the adoption shock. I know it's something he'd talk to you about if you ask him. That's one thing I'm relieved of for him, he has no trauma related to his sexuality. Damien's gay, so his family were fully supportive and his work environment couldn't be more diverse and accepting considering who is front and centre there. Plus, their boss is also an out proud gay man. You're not adding to his pressure, I want you to know that. He's not got any negative feelings towards you. He's just battle weary emotionally. He specifically said that you reaching out to him means something. He's always been very eloquent about expressing his feelings. I'd consider him a HSP, not surprising with his ADHD neurodivergence."

He smiled and as he did, took more of Cillian's physical features in. The resemblance was undeniable. Merlin looked more like Cillian than their mother. It made Jesse curious about the rest of Cillian's family and what parts of them Merlin inherited besides facial features and creative talent. Oh, and an hereditary autoimmune condition. That was a big WTF link, to say the least. Medically-speaking, Cillian might be able to ultimately give insight into how Merlin's disease could progress from how it had exhibited in his own relatives. "Ah, yes. He was, indeed, named after the wizard. Mrs Larson named him because she's fascinated with the Arthurian legend and loved the name. So, you're family wanted to be a bit extra about meeting him, huh?" he laughed, enjoying what Cillian was telling him. "Don't worry, when Merlin's comfortable with you, he can definitely be a bit extra himself. He loves people and loves talking. He'll talk anyone's ears off who'll listen. He's been like that as long as I can remember, save for when he was being bullied in school and withdrew a lot. Merlin will be able to access tickets for you and your family. One of the perks Caden ensure the cast of all his productions have. He even arranged for a performance once with scaled back lighting so Jace and I, as well as other fans with sensory issues, could see it. It was such a success, he does it every other month now."

"Thank ya', Jesse. For explainin' what I respect is a really complex situation. Ya' didn't have to do any o' this and he didn't have to arrange for it, either. Ya' certainly didn't have to pry open ya' personal o' family struggles for me, but I'm truly grateful ya' have. I don't know if I could put any o' this into words as well as ya' have to help me ease into understandin' the challenges Merlin's had in his life. It actually makes me really proud to hear that he loves everyone in his life so much, to the point I know a lot o' it has to be painful for him. The only reason I'm here is I wanted him to know that I love him and I care 'bout him. Sendin' him a DM o' some impersonal message online wasn't enough. Tried to write one many times, in fact. None o' it felt enough. Took a long heart to heart with my granny to get some perspective and wrap my head 'round it. She was the one who asked me if the reason why it felt like I couldn't get the words on the screen right may be because I knew in my heart I needed to say them in person. Just had to come and give it a go. Only, now hearin' how tough he's had things, I'm havin' regrets 'bout contributin' to it. Sounds like ya' whole family just needs a break to catch ya' breath and I'm really not helpin' on that. So, can I just ask ya' out right, do ya' think I should head back to Ireland and wait for him to reach out to me when - if - he's ready to? Give him that breathin' space? Ya' know ya' wee brother, ya'd know what it is he needs the most right now. To know I love him and care enough to come here to see him, o' head back and leave the ball in his court?" Cillian asked, gesturing with the cookie that he had so far just been using as something to do with his hand rather than eating it.

He laughed too at that and shrugged. "That, I can't deny. Extra is probably exactly what my family is about family. A wee bit o' an Irish thing, that. Maybe that's a wee bit o' his genes comin' out in him. He was bullied? What on earth could they possibly want to bully him for? For all I've heard, he sounds like a sweet, kind, smart, and talented kid. But I know kids can be arseholes for no rhyme nor reason sometimes. Did he have it tough as a child with ADHD? I know it can manifest in some really difficult ways for some kids and they need medication to cope."

Jesse offered a little wave of his hand and smiled. "It's really okay. Merlin's my lil' brother and because he sometimes feels emotions in a really intense way because of his ADHD, Damien and I know that he needs a bit of backup support as a buffer. But honestly, that's mostly been Brandon's job lately. With the relapse, I think they've been trying to spare each other pain and stress, which really just creates more. But they're still learning the marriage thing. What they don't tell you about the vows is that they're not just a promise to each other, they're kind of a dot point list of what is absolutely going to challenge you at one point or another. In sickness and in health is a massive one. Brandon and Merlin didn't even want to include the 'Til death us do part' one, for obvious reasons. When it comes to cancer, you don't want to tempt fate. I really don't think any of this - me being a stopover to him meeting you - is because he doesn't want to meet you or is apprehensive in any way. It's just so big for him that he can't take it all in one bite. His cup just isn't full enough to cope. Had Brandon's remission still stuck and Merlin hadn't fallen ill, I don't think he would've needed me for a buffer. Don't have regrets. Regrets just burn up energy you can utilise elsewhere. Don't leave yet, either. I can see how you might be thinking that's a valiant option to give him a chance to catch up but when he reaches out to you and you're here, trust me, that will be a big deal for him. Probably not one he realises yet. I can say that without a shadow of a doubt, as someone who tried to reach out to his real dad and discovered I was just too late. My new siblings, they're amazing and I love them. It's been a blessing to come into each other's lives. But I do really feel that big hole of knowing I'll never meet my real dad. I could put flowers on a grave and that's it. You and Merlin have both fought a lot to get here. You deserve it to be everything it should be."

He stretched back, linking his fingers together behind his head with a nod. "Because he was small. Because he wore glasses. Because he would have meltdowns he couldn't control. Because he got migraines that would make him sick at school. Kids can definitely be real assholes. Jokes on all them, though. He grew up majorly talented and hooked one of the most eligible Gen Z bachelors on the planet. Karma did her job." He smirked, still finding it amusing because he knew a lot of Merlin's high school classmates who were assholes to him tried to reach out to him on social media once it broke that he was first connected to Justin, and then Brandon. He told them to go fuck themselves and blocked them. "He did have a tough childhood but it wasn't because of lack of love. Not even remotely. Neurodivergence is just a tough gig. It came out in him as a child very differently to how it does now he's an adult. Now, mostly, he just stresses a lot. His medication keeps it well controlled. It's just when there's a lot going on that he struggles."

"Ya' now, when I heard that he wanted ya' and I to meet first, I didn't think o' it in the sense o' a buffer. Just thought it was smart. Didn't actually realise right off that he had two big brothers and bein' both a bit and a wee brother myself, I truly did get it. Probably would've done the same thing for my sisters. Ya' not just protectin' him, ya' takin' some o' the weight so he doesn't have to go in fully blindsided. Gives ya' a chance to make a deduction on my intentions. All that. The emotional buffer is the most important, 'cause I don't need more than a wee bit o' intelligence to know that what he's been through, it'd have left him maybe not quite as able to fill his cup as much as before. That's what trauma does, robs us o' sturdy foundations 'til we have more time to heal. He hasn't. Saw from the wee bit I read 'bout Brandon to see if he could help me meet Merlin was he hasn't been in remission long, so relapse news, it's come when things are still tender. Not been enough time to find their footin' again. My timin' is absolute bollocks and for that, I am sorry. Resilience, though? I can hear ya' whole family'd have that in spades by now. The balls it takes to even agree to let me come to ya' home when ya' husband isn't well and I can see ya' fatigued. Don't forget to take care o' ya'self. Compassion fatigue or vicarious trauma, it can be swift when it hits and kneecap us before we realise it's comin'. Did Merlin and Brandon have a nice weddin'? I think I spotted one of their wedding photos on ya' mantel o'er there? Couldn't be sure from this distance. Just look a different colour scheme to the photo of ya' own weddin' photo on the wall there. Make a mighty good lookin' couple, ya' do," Cillian told Jesse, smiling. It had been hard not to take in the large amount of family photos in the living room here. It reminded Cillian of his folks' home back in Ireland and made him a wee bit homesick for his family. He knew they were all waiting for updates but he didn't have enough to give them yet.

Then, a burst of anger swelled up inside him like lava hearing the things his flesh and blood son had been subjected to at the hands of bastard kid bullies. He hadn't been bullied in school, he had always been part of the popular crowd but he always stood up to bullies. It had been tough for him climbing the ranks in the military, having to be so regimented and even aggressive when training ranks his junior. His least favourite part of his career was running drills. "I should've been in his life. Do ya' know if his folks had a preference for a closed adoption? I know if they did, me bein' here is goin' to have an additional level of difficulty for them to face. Not tellin' him he was adopted seems to indicate they did. If I'd have known he existed, I would've moved mountains to be in his life. I couldn't have given him up for adoption. Small blessin's, I guess. He had the family he belonged with. I'm real sorry ya' didn't have that too, mate."

Jesse swept his tongue over his lips and then put his mug to his lips, using the tea as a way to try to maintain his composure and not get too emotional. He had this shaky feeling inside, like an urge to cry that wasn't cry fully realising itself and he didn't know specifically where it was coming from. It was a mixed bag, none of which he wanted to completely lay on Cillian. It would be a leaning against the shower wall with the hard spray beating down on him with his head against the tiles and just letting it all come out later. "I think a lot of it is because Brandon's relapse has floored us all. Collectively as a family, we're pretty fragile and they haven't even told most people yet. It's a work in progress. I think Brandon wants to take it more steadily this time. Last time, by the time he had medical intervention, the leukemia was extremely aggressive. He waited too long, he thought he was just taking longer to recover from a bad flu bug and dealing with work burnout. It didn't cross his mind he could have cancer because how does it when you're young? This time, he was onto his medical team at the first sign. He has more breathing space but the timing has been atrocious. We didn't know Merlin was sick. It's common for him to get stomach upsets when he's stressed and he was stressed that Brandon could be relapsing. That's something he did specifically want me to convey to you, that he wasn't delaying you or holding you off because of you wanting to meet him or how it's all playing out. It's not at all. It's almost entirely down to Brandon being sick and getting over surgery. Even in saying that, Brandon's not obviously unwell. He's fatigued and his pallor gives him away a bit but believe it or not, just a few weeks ago, he was the most well he has been since we've known him. He'd been putting on weight, regaining strength working with a personal trainer, he had more energy, he was eating full meals. It's just one of those awful things about cancer. Actually, one of his doctors, Tara's Oncology Resident, he's one of my closest friends and had survived two bouts of the same type of leukemia Brandon has. It was just the same for him. He was fine, then the relapse hit out of nowhere. Just wanted to give you a little more context around it because when Merlin sees you, it'll be when Brandon's heading back into treatment, so it might just take an added layer of strength for you both. I think you being a doctor will really be a comfort to Merlin, knowing he doesn't have to spell it all out for you. But I should also warn you that Merlin might fire a pile of questions at you. He's just that type of person. He'll want to know as much about you as he can all at once but then it could take time for him to process it."

He looked over at the photos and put his mug down again, taking the wide opening to dodge drawing attention to his own struggles. Only because he was still trying to work out how he felt overall with everything that had dramatically changed in the last few weeks. "Of course. Sorry. I should've asked if you wanted to see some of their wedding photos. Hold on a second." He got up and went over to the bookshelf lining the wall near the fireplace and found the album of photos from Merlin and Brandon's wedding. "They had an incredible wedding. Merlin did a lot of the background work getting it together but everyone pitched in to help give them the special day they deserved. Very emotional and lots of tears, and Brandon was unwell on and off throughout, but it was still a fantastic day. They both actually found out that night at their reception that Merlin was a donor match. Before that, hope was dwindling. I'm not fully versed in the specifics of the Larsons adoption but no, I don't believe they ever made a choice for it to be 'closed' per se, just that they didn't want him to know my mother was who gave birth to him. I think they always planned to tell him once he was old enough to understand but it probably got harder to actually go through with it, so they never did. They're lovely people. They're not going to spite your presence. In fact, I think they'll welcome you with open arms. I'll eat my words if they don't. But I've known them my whole life. Damien and I have been best friends since babies. There was only nine months age difference between us. Our mothers went to the church mother and baby group together. You need to tell him that, spell it out to him. If there's one thing I wish my wn biological dad could've said to me, it was that he loved and wanted me. But I'll never know. Can only get secondhand opinions on it."

"It's sweet that he's been so considerate but he truly doesn't have to worry 'bout me on any front. I'm not comin' in expectin' anythin' o' assumin' anythin'. The ball is entirely in his court and if he still feels like he wants to pull the plug, I won't think anythin' bad o' him. Entirely the opposite. If it's really not the right time o' he ultimately feels like he's not ready to face any o' it, I'll understand and I really want him to understand that, if ya' think ya' can convey that to him before he makes any decisions. He's overloaded and he's not well. Plus, he's got conditions that impacts his emotional regulation. Truly, I'm takin' on board everythin' ya' sayin'. The last thing I want is causin' him stress that'll make him feel sick o' impede his recovery. Please just make sure he knows that. I can go home and come back any time. I own my own practice, so I can take leave at my leisure. All my other commitments can take a back seat. If I'd have known he and Brandon has so much on their plate, I wouldn't have tried to reach out now. But at the same time, I guess since my accident, I know how fragile life is, so once I knew I had a son, I needed him to know he mattered to me. Not sayin' I know anythin' 'bout bein' a father o' havin' a kid o' my own but it's not like he needs parentin'. Parentin' and love are two very different things, though. Family's one o' the most important things to me and always has been. But this is on Merlin's terms. If he needs anythin', though, even if he decides he's not ready to meet, I'm a call o' a text away. Anythin' at all," Cillian insisted, hoping that, if nothing else, Jesse could deliver that message to Merlin. He really had taken on board everything both Brandon and Jesse had said to him and he respected the complicated and difficult situation it was. If there was one thing he understood needing in times or trauma or stress, it was time and space. For many months after his accident and paraplegia diagnosis, he hadn't been able to face up to seeing any of his extended family. He knew they loved him and wanted to help, but he hadn't been psychologically ready to talk about what happened. Even to this day, he had days with his PTSD that he just couldn't talk things out. He would never want to push his son into anything he wasn't ready or strong enough to face. "Even still, he can ask me as many o' as few questions as he needs. There's nothin' I won't talk to him 'bout, no matter how hard."

He felt an excited tickle in his gut when Jesse said he had photos of Merlin and Brandon's wedding he could see. That was an unexpected but pleasant surprise and he was smiling when Jesse handed him the beautiful photo album. Even from the first page, he was awed by how beautiful the whole thing was. "Bloody hell, it's amazin'. Wow, everyone looks so glamorous. Guess that's the perks o' bein' a celeb and rubbin' shoulders with others like ya'." Then he came across the first picture of Merlin and Brandon smiling at each other with a backdrop of fairy lights, candles and lanterns and he touched his finger to the image. "They look 'bout as happy as any couple could be. If ya' didn't know, ya' wouldn't be able to really spot that Brandon's ill. They're beautiful kids. Can't quite believe I made one o' them but I see a family resemblance. Merlin's like my mum. She's short and has glasses, same kind o' thick wavy hair. The O'Donovan hazel-green eyes too. Long line o' that on our side. Ya' don't know what it means for me to see these, Jesse. Thank ya'. I mean that from the bottom o' my heart. I'm glad he's found the love o' his life."

Jesse smiled as he listened and watched Cillian looking through the wedding album. It was nice to hear him talking like this about Merlin and his family, but there was something in how awed he was looking at all the photos and Jesse knew it had nothing to do with the fact that Brandon was a millionaire and no expense was spared on the wedding. It had been gorgeous and could've ended up between the pages of a bridal magazine had either of them wanted to publicly share photos of their wedding. They hadn't. They both made the choice right off the bat it wasn't for fan consumption. He knew it was about how happy everyone looked in the photos. Maybe the marriage had come quick and the reasons why had been really painful, but all their families came together so well and had a ball celebrating Merlin and Brandon that night. Now Cillian and his family were another extension of that, even if it took time. He hoped one day, they'd all be able to come together again like that with them including. "You don't have to worry. You might not know anything about being a father but Merlin's got a pretty damn good handle on being a great son. And just so you know, in case it helps, we've got family friends who came into their kids' lives late and they probably have some of the best parent-child relationships I've ever seen, so I can vouch that even if it might be hard and take a lot of work, it's never too late. If you want evidence to back me up, just Google Justin Campbell and his dad. Justin's spoken a lot about how finding his dad saved his life and he's not over-exaggerating. That's very literal. You don't need to thank me for anything. I'm happy to help and if any of this has helped reassure you that you're doing the right thing, it's worth it."

Cillian couldn't fathom being a father in the position of having to literally save his own kid's life. He could barely fathom being a father and didn't feel close to being one save for a few random numbers spat out in a DNA sequence that told him was one. He knew a little about Justin, of course, but mostly through his mum and sister, who were professional dancers. When Cillian finally found out who his son was - Justin's Broadway co-star - they filled him in a little on Justin's career and he did some reading about the Footloose show and how Merlin won a rigorous international talent competition to score the role. It was nice to hear that Justin and Merlin were somewhat in a similar boat with this father thing, though no doubt extremely different circumstances, considering his sister had told him Justin was a huge advocate for young people with mental illness because he was a survivor himself. "So... if Justin's dad had any advice for someone like me, what do ya' think it'd be? Don't get me wrong, I did have a wee chat to my own pop 'bout this kind o' thing but his response somethin' along the line's o' the basic 'I don't know how to be a dad to an American'. Let's just say Irish Catholic parents can be a unique breed sometimes. I think he's pretty convinced Merlin won't want to visit us o'er there because it's a far, far cry from a place like New York and bein' married to a celebrity. Brandon did very seem down-to-earth with the wee chat I had with him, though I'm conscious he was stressed and exhausted, so maybe he's the epitome o' a celebrity when he's feelin' fine. I'd say my dad just tryin' not to get his hopes up 'bout any o' it."

Jesse had to laugh, setting his tea down again. "Oh, Mark Campbell has, shall we say, a very colourful vocabulary and wicked sense of humour. Very much a typical Aussie in that sense. I'm sure he could offer many pearls of fatherhood wisdom. He calls a spade a spade, as they say. But he's been to hell and back countless times with his son. Justin's classified as having a psychological disability. On top of severe bipolar with psychotic features, Justin has a significant trauma background himself. He has C-PTSD. Incredible at all he does and he's very close to everyone he works with, Merlin included, but his care is complex and challenging. Mark has had to build a intricate foundation of support around him to try to keep him safe but it's far from foolproof. Which he says is being a dad in a nutshell. Jace and I don't plan on children but if we were, I'd be happy if I could be a quarter of the father Mark is. Knowing him as I do, I'd say his advice would be as simple and as complicated as just... love your kid. Unconditionally. As wonderful and as painful as that is all rolled into one. You don't have to pretend to be anything you're not. In fact, from watching many of my closest friends be parents, I think trying to be something you're not would be one of the biggest mistakes you could make. Just let Merlin guide you, buddy. He will. Probably stressing and giving himself the nervous trots along the way but that's neurodivergence for you. Thankfully, I can confidently say there's much more to him than being American," he added with an amused smile. "If Merlin does this, he'll be all-in and then some. I know he would love to visit the place of his family roots. As for the real Brandon, there's a reason he and Merlin are soul mates. He's very talented in slipping in and out of his celebrity persona as he needs to."

"So, he somehow managed to nail it while I'm sure completely freakin' out inside and expectin' to fuck it all up at every turn? Sounds like the sort o' lad I'd like to buy a pint. I'm not under any notion that Merlin needs a father, howe'er. I'm sure in the grander scheme o' things right now, it's actually the last thing he needs. The only thing I want is to not fuck up meetin' him or make anythin' more complicated for him. For a very long time, I questioned whether the fact my injuries left me infertile was somehow the universe's way o' tellin' me I wasn't built to be a parent. Pretty sure that could still be the case but there's not a single part o' me that could've opened that DNA notification and ignore that I, at least physically, created another human that's my flesh and blood. In any case, I've got a friend o' the family I can visit while I'm in New York. He worked in the Garda with my cousin when they were new recruits and discovered he had a kid he didn't know 'bout, though the laddie's still a bairn so not the same sort o' situation. Might grill him a wee bit. He was far from the fatherly sort too." Cillian leafed back through the wedding album, taking a second look at some of the more stirring and emotional shots of Merlin at his wedding. "I'd say one o' the hardest things in the world is havin' a sick kid and knowin' there's no cure to what they've got. After my accident when I was in hospital, they both told me they wish they could take their injuries o' give their life in exchange for my life bein' changed forever. First time I e'er saw my dad cried. Is Merlin's anxiety just a part o' his ADHD presentation o' has he been diagnosed with anxiety disorder as an independent condition too? Brandon was kind the day I crashed his apartment buildin' and intercepted him but I'd be lyin' if I didn't admit I'm nervous how he might receive me. Wouldn't blame him to tell me to go fuck myself and leave Merlin alone to protect him."

Biting his lip and narrowing his eyes a little, Jesse tipped his head to the side. "Garda? That's the police in Ireland, yeah? Do you... mean Euan Fitzpatrick, by chance? A police detective, or Captain now, with the NYPD? If so, then Merlin's best friend, Wesley, is dating Euan's adopted son, Noah. They met when Wes moved to New York around the time Merlin started dating Brandon. It's a bit of a small world but Euan knows so many folk, it's not surprising. If that's the case, Euan will be a wealth of knowledge for you, connecting some gaps in the story you might have. He absolutely could give you guidance on finding your feet with how fatherhood might look with a child you never knew you fathered. Not just with his own young son, but with Noah too, who he rescued from a very dark place. Merlin has panic disorder but personality-wise, he's actually always been a very chilled out and laidback guy. He's very loving and caring. It's only really been worrying about Brandon being sick and the horrible ordeal with him nearly dying after a massive internal bleed that his stress levels have increased and caused him more problems. Before, the ADHD was well-controlled with medication and migraines were usually his his stress came out. Even his abdo discomfort was minimal. He was only diagnosed with ulcerative colitis when Brandon was waiting on the bone marrow transplant. Merlin donated before he was diagnosed, so it didn't preclude him donating at that point. This time around, though, it might. But the haematologist froze extra samples in case a follow up was needed. We're fortunate Brandon has the means for the best healthcare available. You don't have to be concerned about Brandon. He'll protect Merlin and won't let you hurt him but if your intentions are genuine, he's not going to be any sort of obstacle. He'll support whatever Merlin wants."

Cillian's mouth dropped open in surprise and he cupped his hand under his chin with a shake of his head, listening to Jesse walk him through the six degrees of separation he never knew he had to his son. It was so close and it blew his mind. New York was the biggest city in the world, it hadn't occurred to him Euan might know Merlin or even know someone who knew him. It had been a long time since Euan was last in Ireland and Cillian and his cousin had a pint with him. Euan always said to give him a call if he was ever in New York but it had been years since Cillian ever made the trek to the US. "Fuckin' hell. Aye, that's who I mean. His reputation precedes him, o' course. But I don't know what I'm even 'sposed to do with that. It's just real hard to reconcile that I've missed so much. I've got a kid but he's not a kid and he doesn't need a dad. He has this whole... complicated, painful, beautiful life that doesn't really need me in. I've no experience as a parent but there's this strange pull inside that I just want to do anythin' I can to help him. Probably the hardest and most confusin' thing I've e'er felt in my life and I guess that' sayin' somethin' considerin' I'm sittin' here without the use o' my legs. I'm not sure I'm even doin' the right thing anymore." He cleared his throat, shifting into territory he wasn't sure how to begin to figure out. "Can I ask how ya' connected with him once he found out he was adopted and ya' were his brother? He knew ya' as his brother's friend but that's a world apart from brother, on a deep emotional level."

"I think that, right there, is something any parent who comes into their kid's life later than birth can empathise with. It's something I've heard Justin's dad say time and again. I'm not a parent so take my advice in regards to parenting as you will but it might be a good idea to try to not go into this with regrets. Regret is a really hard thing to overcome and I don't think you regret finding him. This isn't a bad thing. It's a good thing. Yes, he already has parents who love him very much, and yes, he's a grown adult who doesn't need any hand's on parenting anymore. But that doesn't mean he doesn't need his real father in his life. It doesn't mean he has no place for you. Figuring out what place that is, it's up to you both to work out together and it's going to take time. It'll probably feel very strange and awkward initially, it'll take a hell of a lot of talking and asking questions. In a lot of ways, being someone he can talk to is one of the most valuable things for Merlin anyway. It is for anyone who suffers anxiety. Merlin's always been a huge talker so he will always need listeners. But he's also an amazing listener, so maybe he can help you in that sense too. I don't doubt it's going to be difficult and emotional for you to tell him everything you went through but at the same time, it could be therapeutic and a way of bridging that gap of time lost between you." Jesse smiled and shrugged, leaning forward to adjust the cushions behind his back. "Oh, well, that particular challenge, I had the benefit of him being furious with the rest of his family at the time, so he really needed me. He felt like he could trust me when he lost trust for them. I was pretty close to his family growing up because my own were... well, you can probably connect the dots. The Larsons just treated me like another son so Merlin already saw me as an honorary big brother. Unfortunately, that did only make calibrating the secret of his adoption more difficult for him. Mostly, I was just a sounding board for his anger. We bonded because I helped him through it. Try not to overthink it. Which, as I say that out loud, I realise might be difficult if he inherited the overthinking tendencies from you."

"I guess, in a surreal way, it's a wee bit comfortin' to hear that I'm not the only one who feels like an imposter in this situation. That's prime advise right there, howe'er, Jesse. To not go in with regrets. That's rarely a good thing and I'd say even more so when ya' tryin' to meet ya' kid and form a connection with them. Used to be much better with the overthinkin' before I got hurt. Bloody hell, the poor kid inherits that and ulcerative colitis from us. There's got to be some good that filtered down the DNA to him, aye?" Cillian shook his head, trying to tell his brain not to develop a headache just attempting to wrap his head around all this. He hadn't even met Merlin yet and already, it was an emotional rollercoaster. "I'm glad he had ya', though. And the rest o' his family o' course. Things are good with his other brother now? Are his folks goin' to be okay with this? I'm a stranger, so the hesitancy is understandable but I give ya' all my word that with all the regrets I do have in life, they made me who I am today and I only have good intentions here. I'd never want to hurt him and if it seems like it's headin' that way if it's too much, I'll be on the next flight home. Can't say I even know where to start but I'll just play it by ear and his lead. Just wish it could be in any other circumstances than him bein' unwell and his other half facin' cancer again. I don't know if there's any way I can help with any o' that, but if there is, they just need to say the word."

Jesse smiled, though he couldn't blame Cillian for the doubts he was having. Anyone in his shoes would be having them. "Of course there's going to be plenty of good but you don't need me as a buffer for those things. It'll mean more to you and Merlin to discover them yourselves together. You're going to need things to bond over and connect with. I'm only here to cushion the impact because Merlin's under the weather and a emotionally frazzled. If Brandon was well, if Merlin hadn't just had surgery, I wouldn't be needing to be here. He would've just taken those first steps himself. I'm just trying to alleviate some of his anxiety, and yours. But the good stuff? That should be discovered slowly and savoured. It's going to be stuff that doesn't involve me or isn't even my business. I actually think Merlin will find a lot of comfort in hearing you're an overthinker too. Just keep yourself in check and keep schooling yourself not to censor with him and avoid things to protect him. From the word go, his brain will be in overdrive trying to form a picture of you and analyse how you fit in his life. Give him what he needs so his overthinking anxiety brain doesn't ty to fill in the gaps with worst case scenarios." He finished his tea and put his empty mug down. "Things are back to normal with Damien. Damien actually married his husband on stage at one of Justin's concerts not long after Brandon pulled through the bone marrow transplant complications. Damien's a typical big brother, extremely protective so he might be a bit of a guard dog when you meet him but he's a marshmallow otherwise. I'd say the Larsons are anxious how this will turn out but all you need to do is make on those good intentions and it'll just be about us all finding a new normal but we've been in protective mode for a long time, so we're well-versed in that. As are you, without a doubt. If you're the same blood group as Merlin, you can always donate blood for Brandon. He'll inevitably need transfusions at some point."

"So, ya' said ya' have a good relationship with the biological family ya' discovered? It cant've been an easy thing to acclimatise to, knowin' ya' biological dad had passed. One thing I'm truly discoverin' is the inevitable complexity o' these sorts o' relationships. It can be really hard but it doesn't have to be bad. Just takes time. I thought my head and my heart were on the same page with how I was goin' to try to go into it but hearin' Brandon's leukemia has relapsed changed a lot, as did hearin' Merlin was in the hospital. Not sure what I was ultimately expectin' but definitely not that. Guess I expected to find them both in their prime and back in the swing o' things after readin' Brandon was in remission. Just tell him there's no rush and to take all the time he needs. Even if I go back to Ireland, I can be back on the next flight whenever he's ready." Cillian nodded and offered an emphatic gesture with his hand. "O' course, I'll donate blood. I'm A+, if that helps. Whatever they need, consider it done."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"But either way, I got you in my DNA."

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