Jesse Joe Hartley (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
slowsouthernstyle) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2023-09-02 01:18 am
slowsouthernstyle) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2023-09-02 01:18 am
"Now you've adopted me into your family."
Who: Jesse Hartley and Merlin Blake, with Brandon Blake a bit later
What: Much to talk about
Where: Merlin and Brandon's Home, Upper East Side, NYC
When: Day after this and this
Today, Jesse didn't really worry about keeping up appearances. After his long chat with Jace in the wake of him meeting Merlin's biological father, Cillian, he was tired and realised he was feeling a little burnt out with compassion fatigue. It was something he had to take seriously once he realised that was what he was feeling and part of that was, as Jace gently suggested, not keeping Merlin in the dark about it. It was true, it wouldn't be what Merlin wanted. Jesse was just experiencing some guilt about it because he always wanted to be a strong source of support for the people he loved, unconditionally. The reality of recent conditions, however, was that he had to give himself a little compassion too or he'd end up overtaxed and having a seizure himself. Then he'd be little help to anyone, when they needed him the most. So, there he was, unshaven and dressed right down in a hoodie with his favourite pair of Jace's sweatpants, ready to spend some time with his little brother to go over territory that was going to be hard no matter how he was feeling. He had little sleep the night before, the fatigue still very much biting him in the ass. He planned to go home to bed once he finished with Merlin, something he assured Jace he would do so Jace wasn't extra-worried about him.
As promised, he had come over to see Merlin so he could report how things had gone with Cillian. That was the whole point of him being a buffer, so Cillian had context of the current challenging situation Merlin was in and what the last few weeks had dumped on them all, but also so Merlin could have as much information as he could to help him make the choice of whether he wanted to meet Cillian or not. Nothing about it was simple, especially not the emotions involved. There was a lot he had to tell Merlin about Cillian and he knew Merlin couldn't be anticipating any of it. Cillian was an incredible person and Jesse knew from spending time with him there was no doubt Merlin was his blood. That didn't mean the choice would be easy.
Jesse had a swipe card and the security code to get into Merlin and Brandon's place, but he would never use it unless it was an emergency. When he rang the doorbell, their House Manager, Wendy, answered and after offering Jesse refreshments, she directed him to where Merlin was in the entertainment room watching tv. Hands tucked into the front pocket of his hoodie, Jesse smiled when he came into the entertainment room where Merlin was in his Yoda Oodie with his iPad on his lap, looking half asleep as he watched the massive tv mounted on the wall. "Hey, buddy. How are you feeling? How's the pain? You're looking a little more refreshed than when I last saw you."
What: Much to talk about
Where: Merlin and Brandon's Home, Upper East Side, NYC
When: Day after this and this
Today, Jesse didn't really worry about keeping up appearances. After his long chat with Jace in the wake of him meeting Merlin's biological father, Cillian, he was tired and realised he was feeling a little burnt out with compassion fatigue. It was something he had to take seriously once he realised that was what he was feeling and part of that was, as Jace gently suggested, not keeping Merlin in the dark about it. It was true, it wouldn't be what Merlin wanted. Jesse was just experiencing some guilt about it because he always wanted to be a strong source of support for the people he loved, unconditionally. The reality of recent conditions, however, was that he had to give himself a little compassion too or he'd end up overtaxed and having a seizure himself. Then he'd be little help to anyone, when they needed him the most. So, there he was, unshaven and dressed right down in a hoodie with his favourite pair of Jace's sweatpants, ready to spend some time with his little brother to go over territory that was going to be hard no matter how he was feeling. He had little sleep the night before, the fatigue still very much biting him in the ass. He planned to go home to bed once he finished with Merlin, something he assured Jace he would do so Jace wasn't extra-worried about him.
As promised, he had come over to see Merlin so he could report how things had gone with Cillian. That was the whole point of him being a buffer, so Cillian had context of the current challenging situation Merlin was in and what the last few weeks had dumped on them all, but also so Merlin could have as much information as he could to help him make the choice of whether he wanted to meet Cillian or not. Nothing about it was simple, especially not the emotions involved. There was a lot he had to tell Merlin about Cillian and he knew Merlin couldn't be anticipating any of it. Cillian was an incredible person and Jesse knew from spending time with him there was no doubt Merlin was his blood. That didn't mean the choice would be easy.
Jesse had a swipe card and the security code to get into Merlin and Brandon's place, but he would never use it unless it was an emergency. When he rang the doorbell, their House Manager, Wendy, answered and after offering Jesse refreshments, she directed him to where Merlin was in the entertainment room watching tv. Hands tucked into the front pocket of his hoodie, Jesse smiled when he came into the entertainment room where Merlin was in his Yoda Oodie with his iPad on his lap, looking half asleep as he watched the massive tv mounted on the wall. "Hey, buddy. How are you feeling? How's the pain? You're looking a little more refreshed than when I last saw you."
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He shoved the plush throw rug he had been using since he got out of hospital aside to make room for Jesse to sit next to him. "I'm doing better. Pain's definitely more controlled and tolerable now. Things are functioning much more normal. Still really tired but it's okay. I'm listening to everyone's advice and sleeping if I need to. It's helped a lot."
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He tugged on the pocket of Merlin's Oodie. "How's the wounds healing? Can I have a look? Are you eating okay? Keeping up the fluids? I'm glad you're following doctor's order and resting. If you try to do too much, too soon, something like this will come back and bite you in the ass. You don't want to prolong your recovery. Medical advice is there for a reason."
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He shuffled his butt forward on the seat so he could take his Oodie off and shoved it aside, lifting the hem of his shirt to show Jesse. "The dressings are starting to peel off but it all feels okay. Itchy, though. Driving me a bit nuts, to be honest. Do you know when they can come off? I ain't really all that hungry. Mostly just having soup or toast. The gluten-free bread Wendy got is gross. I seriously hope I don't need to be gluten-free forever. The other food I've tried is still making me feel sick. It's getting better, though. Drinking plenty. Bran promised he would keep his fluids up and remember to eat if I do. Sneaky shit, he is," he added with a snort of amusement.
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He examined Merlin's dressings closely, checking to make sure there was no signs of infection on the skin around each incision. He had five all up. Laparoscopic surgery could leave you feeling a bit like a pin cushion. "Itchy just means everything's healing. Make sure you don't scratch. I think the dressings can come off when you want to remove them. The stitches should all dissolve on their own. If you takes the dressings off and the wound still feels to raw, let me know and I'll come put some steri-strips on it for you. Just make sure you keep the incisions clean and dry so they can heal. Sneaky and smart. He knows you'll do as you're told if he promises he will too. When do you get the results of your biopsies? If it shows up an allergy, you'll adapt. It'll be worth it if it helps you feel better."
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"Jace was fighting against you? You mean physically? Is that a normal thing for him when he's sick? I don't think you've ever spoken to me about that before. Wait. What...? My... he's paraplegic? Do you mean he's in a wheelchair? Did I know that? Holy sh-- that's... is that the only reason he wants to meet me, 'cause he can't have more kids? Does he have other kids? Do you mean he can't have sex and stuff or just his swimmers can't do their job? Shit. I... I dunno what I'm supposed to be feeling about any of this." He was rubbing his head, forgetting for a moment Jesse was even checking his dressings out. He was almost even forgetting he had an operation because these other things were a mindfuck. But was an expert at mindfucks by this point. "I, um... Wednesday. That's when I have my follow-up appointment with the surgeon."
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Rubbing his head, he thought back on the past couple of weeks. Before that, life had been pretty cruisey for a little while. It was no wonder everyone was feeling a bit worn out. "Not physically. He doesn't have physical strength for that after his seizures. But he was agitated and upset. It's not abnormal but it's not common for him. There have been times since he got the brain injury that he gets emotionally agitated or aggressive. It's neurological and related to his mood function, so not unlike Justin's episodes. It can just happen after a bad run of seizures and his brain receptors get scrambled again. Physically, he needed hands on nursing for a few days. Bathing, dressing, toileting, feeding... the whole deal. You know how draining that can be. But add to that them fighting against you, telling you they don't want to be touched or being upset and distressed but unable to communicate why. Jace is at a place in his life where he's miserable with his disability and frustrated when his functioning is impacted. I wish there was more I could do to reassure him it'll be okay but I can't make those promises. I can only promise I'll care for him unconditionally, which means even when I'm tired and worn out." He sat forward again so he could put his hand on Merlin's shoulder. "I don't think you knew. Brandon probably just didn't think to mention it. Let me just fill in the blanks before you pre-stress yourself out of this. No other children. He was young when you were conceived. He was in his early military training days and, well, I'd say that's probably a pretty wild ride sometimes when off the clock. It's not the only reason he wants to meet you. He'd written off the idea of kids after his accident. Finding out about you was just a bonus, like a second chance he never knew was possible. I didn't discuss his sexual functioning or much about his physical functioning. That wasn't my place but he's very open and I think if you wanted to know about his physical condition, he would talk to you about it. He just wants to meet you, buddy. So do his family but not unless it's 100% what you want too. You're their blood and family is a big thing for them."
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"That's the thing about disability or illness. Guess we hope to be one of those folk where we're all empowered by it and got it in hand to help others going through the same thing but seriously, some days it just fucking sucks. With Jace, he's had it since he was a kid and it impacts every part of his life, it makes it hard for him to do normal things in normal ways. Like, I do really get it, Jess. I think that's a bit like where Brandon is up to. He just wants peace and things to run smoothly and normally after so much fighting. At least, for awhile. I remember you saying even when you guys were getting married that he was getting upset because he wanted to be able to be a good husband to you and take care of you like you take care of him. Those thoughts in his head probably never really go away. They probably just wax and wane. Sometimes, you can have all the fight in you and the strongest 'fuck the world' attitude, not wanting to let it all get you down. But seriously, the days when you feel opposite are the pits. You know that. I think that's a bit how you're feeling yourself right now? How do you feel better with this, Jess? Is there anything I can do to help? Do you guys need a break away? You can go stay at our place in Cape Cod? Or any of Bran's other places. Just say the word." Though, he'd be lying if he didn't admit worrying about Jesse and Jace being away if they were both on shaky ground with their health. "So... he never really got to the point of being ready for kids and then the accident happened? Fuck. That's... I guess I can see how meeting me would be important then. He wasn't just telling you what you wanted to hear? Or what he thought I'd wanna hear via you?"
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A text message notification sounded on his phone and he took it out of his pocket to check if it was Jace needing him for anything but it was just Evan in the group chat telling them he was going to the store to get toilet paper if anyone needed him to pick anything else up. He quickly type in a reply that Jace needed some prescriptions picked up from the pharmacy, which would save Jesse a trip on the way home. He was planning on trying to get a very early night tonight so see if he could swing a good night's sleep to help him feel better. "Jace and I were thinking of getting away for a few days, maybe up to MA. I was going to ask if you and Brandon wanted to come with us, just to disconnect for a bit to catch our breath." He shook his head. "No, he didn't have plans for kids. He was engaged to be married but all that fell apart after he was injured and he had to try to rebuild his life. You can actually Google him, there's a good amount of info on there about him because he started a charity to help veterans like him. He was actually awarded an OBE from the Queen because of his charity work. He's a very decorated veteran in high standing in the UK. I really don't think his goal here is to hoodwink you in any way, buddy. I really do think he wants a genuine relationship with you, one he's willing to let you set the parameters of."
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"Yeah, that sounds nice. We were thinking about getting away to Cape Cod for a bit of a break before his chemo starts again. You guys wanna come up there with us and stay? We can drive up and then we can be around if you guys get sick or anything. The house is huge as fuck. Not like we'd be all in each other's pockets. I'm glad you're thinking about getting away for a bit to have a rest. I know you, if you took some time off work and they tried to still call you in, you'd go in. You really look wiped out, Jess. I'm worried. I'm allowed to worry, you're my big brother." He was pretty sure Jesse didn't realise how much his exhaustion was written all over him. Even the way he was now sitting slumped on the sofa screamed it. He was sure if he drew the blinds a bit and stopped talking, Jesse would crash out. "But I think maybe I need to meet Cillian first. It'll just play on my mind over and over if I don't and that's counterproductive. Am I even allowed to Google him? That feels like cheating. Or stalkerish."
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Cape Cod actually sounded like a fantastic option for all of them. It wasn't like the beach house wasn't like a small 5 Star resort, in a peaceful and private location, so it had those benefits for Merlin and Brandon. Jesse and Jace would have the time and space to spend time together relaxing and resting. He nodded. "Yeah, let me run it by Jace but he'll be fine with it. It's not really about location so much as being able to switch of have breathing space together. He's dealing with anger about his brain injury again and the beach is always a place he loves doing his art. You're allowed to worry, sure, but you have to ration that worry at the moment. I'm okay. I don't want you worrying unnecessarily. Of course you're allowed to Google him. I'd say he'd expect it on some level. Google as much as you like, I think it'll help you get a sense of the sort of guy he is. The things he's done, it's pretty incredible. You should know, he knows Euan. His cousin and Euan were rookie cops together in Ireland. Why don't you invite him up to Cape Cod for a weekend? Then there's no rush and you can go at whatever pace you need."
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It was definitely a suggestion out of left field but it didn't immediately freak Merlin out to think about. Maybe having more flexibility with time and space to be able to think and breathe while he and Cillian met and talked would help alleviate all this tension he had inside, which was a weird mix of anxiety, fear, and anticipation. "I... guess I could? I mean, I know y'all wouldn't mind and Bran said he's got my back with whatever I need to do with all this. Do you think he'd come? Would it be weird to ask him? Like... what was he like to talk to?"
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He closed his eyes and put his hand to his head. "Yeah, Cillian was... nice. Real nice. I-- I think I... need a hand. Feel sick." That split second of warning hit a moment later, giving him that awful feeling like he was being abruptly pulled forward and then the seizure hit with full force.
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He came home wanting nothing more than a hug from Merlin, a decent cup of tea, and a long nap. When he was keying in the security code for the front door, he was actively ignoring an incoming call from Ruby, his co-star, no doubt trying to grill him for any information on why he appeared to be stonewalling on talking about his return. It was a complicated answer, but for her, the answer was actually quite simple - it was none of her fucking business. There was no love lost between them, to say the least. They were both great actors with excellent chemistry on screen but after he turned down all her advances to hook up behind the scenes, it was pretty much a love/hate relationship these days. Probably more so since Merlin came out by proxy for him, simultaneously spilling that they had secretly married, all while he was fighting for his life on life support. He hadn't had a conversation with her since he went off on sick leave the first time. As soon as he was in the front door and it swung closed behind him, he heard his name shouted from the general direction of the living room. Merlin. And something was up. He bolted up the hall, skidding a little on the freshly-polished floors, calling out for his husband, "Merlin! Where are you?" That was easier than trying to search every downstairs room in a mansion.
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Then just as Brandon appeared, and before the timer hit five minutes, Jesse's seizure eased off into lessening sharp jerking and his body seemed to uncoil. He watched closely, making sure Jesse was still breathing and when Jesse started vomiting, eased him back into the recovery position and again, tried not to start crying in relief. Being sick meant Jesse was usually starting to come out of it. For all he knew Jesse clearly hadn't been feeling well, Merlin really hadn't seen this coming. That was on him, though, and probably a result of his nerves being generally shot in recent weeks. "It's okay, buddy, I think it's over. I'm right here. Just rest now."
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