Jaxson Valteri Colt (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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dreamlikenewyork2019-08-30 02:46 am
photoflashes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-08-30 02:46 am
"Oh I see so very clearly now, all my fears are drifting by me so slowly now."
Who: Jaxson Colt and Montana Everitt
What: The Waiting Game
Where: Critical Care, Mount Sinai
When: After this and this
Jaxson was sitting in the waiting room just outside the doors to the vast critical care unit, head in his hands and trying to figure out if he wanted to cry, throw up, or hit something. Mostly, he just felt numb. He closed his eyes slowly. It was meant to be a blink but every tiny little action felt like a battle all of a sudden. He was in shock after hearing the news Brandon had taken a seriously bad turn. Not just a bad turn where they gave him extra meds and he got through it. It was a bad turn where he was left on life support. He was literally as close to death as you could be whilst still being alive. Jaxson hadn’t been prepared for this. He believed all the hope, he really thought Brandon would bounce back after the bone marrow transplant.
He didn’t know how the fuck to cope. One tiny little shred of comfort had been when the news came and he had been visiting Paxton again. Over the last couple of days, Paxton’s condition had been improving to where he now recognised Jaxson and understood something had sparked between them. He wanted Jaxson to keep visiting so they could have more time together. Jesse came to deliver the bad news and Jaxson was glad he had him and Paxton there because he pretty much lost his shit. Lost it so bad, he didn’t know how to find it again.
And they couldn’t let him in to see Brandon. Merlin had to give authority on who could have access to Brandon while he was unconscious and Merlin was in surgery with the only hope Brandon had to survive. Everything was so fucked up. Jaxson was homesick and missed his family too, that didn’t help to alleviate the mess he was. He was trying to work up the balls to call them and tell them what happened. He couldn’t even think how to start the conversation. He only told them the day before yesterday that Brandon was holding up okay with the pre-transplant irradiation.
“I’m sorry this can’t be alcoholic. But if it could, you probably wouldn’t want to stop.” Montana came to sit down beside Jaxson and offered him a cup of coffee. “They still can’t give us any news?”
Jaxson accepted the cup but he knew if he drank anything, he would vomit again. He already lost his lunch after Jesse told him the news. But it gave him something to do with his hands rather than trying to scrape his hair out by the roots from stress. “No. Nothing. Jesse said there’s no change but his hands are tied with how much he can say anyway. Bran’s Five Wishes orders are clear that Merlin holds the reins and he has to make the calls on who can access Brandon or anything about him. I totally respect that. I do. That’s what Bran wanted, it would’ve given him comfort. I just… don’t know if I’m supposed to be pissed off at Merlin’s mistake on Instagram or not. How can I be pissed when this is happening? But he’s fucked up so bad.”
Montana shook her head. “I don’t think it was a fuck up, honey. I’ve had this gut feeling for awhile that B’s had a coming out strategy in place, even if he hadn’t told anyone. I think ever since the wedding, he’s struggled with the fact he’s closeted. He’s so in love, he doesn’t want to hide it. But all this? It’s so much more huge and beyond us. I get a lot of inside info but he hasn’t discussed a lot about going into his transplant. I think he’s left that in Merlin’s very capable hands.” She took a travel pack of Kleenex out of her handbag, tugging a few from it, then offered it to Jaxson.
Jaxson took a couple of the Kleenex without thinking about it but he hadn’t been able to cry yet. He wanted to. He felt like it should be what he was doing and maybe it would help but he couldn’t. He felt sick and shaky but tears were elusive, like even his emotions were in shock. “He’s talked to me about a hell of a lot. More than I deserve but he didn’t want to talk about this, you’re right. Maybe he thought he’d jinx himself. I thought you’d know more?”
“Pre-Merlin, I might have. But I don’t really think so. He still would’ve just gone about this is his usual Brandon way. A lone soldier. Best case scenario that is. Without Merlin, though, he wouldn’t have lasted this long. He would’ve ended it. I don’t doubt that whatsoever. Now he has everything to live for and he still might not make it.” Montana tried to blink back her own tears but she couldn’t manage it. She wiped them away with the tissues. “Seeing him fall in love… fuck, I didn’t think I’d ever witness that. Let alone all this. Merlin’s been the exception to all his rules. He set out to repel love and serious relationships. He wa sa professional manwhore. Or at least, that was part of his branding.”
“And there I was thinking all along it was just me he wanted to repel romantically.” Jaxson had a shot at a wry smile but he couldn’t. He looked at Montana, absentmindedly weaving the tissue between his fingers. “When he first told me about Merlin, I wanted to hate him.I was jealous, wondering why the hell he managed what I couldn’t. That was so friggin stupid. They’re made for each other. This shouldn’t be fucking happening.”
Montana’s eyes were on an immunisation poster on the opposite wall. She was trying her best not to be a constant bawling mess. She was still Brandon’s Personal Assistant. She wanted to be on hand to help if his family needed it. She was absolutely well and truly hitting the fan with Merlin’s post but none of it fell into the scope of her employment. That was up to the rest of Brandon’s team, the showrunners, network execs and Merlin and Brandon’s attorneys to deal with now. “I think Merlin’s one of those people who are impossible to hate. You never would’ve hated someone Brandon loved anyway. You’ve been believing he’ll beat this, haven’t you? So have I…”
Brandon’s breath hitched and he had to bite on his lip to try to maintain his composure. Not being able to cry, he was scared how else his emotions might come out. He had already caught himself trying to blame Merlin, which wasn’t fair at all. If for no other reason than the factor Brandon wanted to be out. Now he was. Did it matter how if he might be about to die? “I never pegged myself as delusional. It wasn’t that I didn’t think he could die. I just didn’t want to accept that he would. That’s how Merlin’s been different. Healthy for him, you know? He never cockblocked Bran needing to face this head-on. He never deluded himself Brandon might die. All he did - the roadtrip, the engagement, the wedding - it was all because he accepted the reality. Now I feel like I let B down.”
“All that, and it’s really so hard for you to believe he would post a simple Insta post giving him one thing Brandon wanted more than anything? Boy, you really are delusional.” Montana studied Jaxson’s face but it was hard to offer any sort of reassurance, not even the slightest hint of a smile. So she took his hand instead. “But you haven’t let him down. You’re here, aren’t you? He’s never imposed any rules on us for how we deal with our own grief of all this. Some of us are going to cry so much we feel like we’ll never stop. Some will get angry. Some will want to take it out on others. Grief comes in a lot of different forms. And it doesn’t hold off until someone actually dies. It starts from the moment you hear they’re sick and they might. You’ve had a double-strike too, with what happened with Paxton. You don’t have to have known someone long to fear they might lose their life.”
Jaxson squeezed Montana’s hand, grateful for her presence and comfort. “I… didn’t think about it like that. Fuck. Maybe you’re right? But it would be risking getting himself sued because he’s signed NDAs. Why would he risk that when Brandon’s literally at his worst right now? It seems so fucking trivial. I guess that’s why I’m struggling. But then again, I’m out. I’ve always been out, ever since I knew I was bi. Out and accepted. I don’t know what it’s like to be held in the closet. It’s not something B ever talked to me about. He avoided the subject completely, just said it is what it is.” He made a sound that was an attempt at a slight laugh but it was just a sharp exhalation through his nose as he glanced at the doors of the ICU. “I think Pax might just be humouring me. He says he thinks he’s remembering but he’s not well enough to really have any capacity to pursue anything with me. I’m wondering if I should cut my losses.”
“You haven’t met Mark Campbell, have you? Justin’s dad. Here. Watch this.” Montana put her tea down on the seat beside her and took her phone out. She found an infamous video online of Mark being an absolute demon in the courtroom after he had some incredible record for success over a number of years. It went viral not long after he spoke out about Justin and his support for his career in the spotlight and people realised the high profile attorney was Justin’s father. It was one of the reasons why Justin was protected as he was. “Even if Merlin breached an NDA, there’s no way anyone will win a lawsuit against him with Mark as his attorney. He’ll not only be savage, he’ll make sure the case has top exposure and the network won’t want to risk that. It’ll make them look homophobic and unsupportive of one of their biggest stars dying of cancer. If Pax is that sick neurologically, he’s not going to be thinking about humouring you. Maybe he just really wants you there. How is he?”
With a little frown of confusion, Jaxson took Montana’s phone. He hadn’t met Justin’s dad at the wedding but he had been there with his gorgeous wife. It was where Jaxson discovered Justin’s dad was an identical twin and Justin’s mom wasn’t his biological mom. “Pax? He’s got paralysis in his legs. They don’t know if it’ll be permanent. He’s got vertigo and headaches. Some speech and vision issues. A couple of other things I can’t really talk about because they’re pretty private. He’s got a lot of recovering to do before they know if there’s long-term damage. But he’s a sweetheart. Says he likes my company.” He hit play on the video and turned the sound down a little, holding it closer so he could hear. What he saw, Montana was absolutely spot on saying Mark was a demon in the courtroom. Even in just the few minutes Jaxson watched, he tore shreds off the opposition and won the multimillion dollar lawsuit involving some discrimination and fraud case involving homophobia and sexual harassment. By the time the video ended, his mouth was hanging open and he looked at Montana. “Holy fuck. And he’s Merlin’s attorney? If he gets sued on breaching the NDA, this is who he gets?”
“He can’t walk? Jax, fuck. So… he’s still pretty sick and has memory issues. His body went through a hell of a lot. How do you feel about him? Or was it just a hookup? I mean, it probably means a lot you keep coming back for him. That’s what Brandon said helped him open up with Merlin. He didn’t give up on him.” Montana asked and put her phone back, slipping it into her handbag. “He’s Brandon’s attorney too. If anyone tries to sue Merlin, Mark won’t play nice. Alistair said that’s an absolute certainty. He’s worked with Mark a lot and Mark hates injustices like this. He lost his sister-in-law to cancer. His wife lost her mom to it and almost her brother recently from a brain tumour. All that aside, though. It’s done now. It changes everything… but the one thing we need it to change. It can’t save Brandon. But if he dies, maybe it means he’ll bow out with peace.”
Jaxson shook his head, looking down at his hands. “Not at the moment. He can’t even really sit up or move too much because he passes out or vomits from the vertigo. It was initially just a hookup but we hit it off really well. Bearing in mind, too, he was sick most of the trip. I just didn’t realise it. He told me on the plane before he took the bad turn that he wasn’t a hookup sort of guy. I like to think if he didn’t get sick, we might’ve given dating a shot. I’ve got feelings for him, I just don’t know what they are until he’s fully capable of reciprocating, you know?” He sighed and rubbed his eyes, finally beginning to relent of his frustration at what Merlin did. “You think B asked him to do it? It just doesn’t make sense, no one was expecting B to crash like this before the transplant. B wouldn’t have even been expecting it.”
Montana took Jaxson’s hand again, knowing he needed it. He didn’t even have to say it, she just knew. He was a lot like Brandon, they had many similarities. He just wasn’t as broody or complex as Brandon. “He was sick before? Did you just think he was jetlagged or something? How do you know he’s not reciprocating, though? Sounds like he’s reciprocating something, if he likes having you visit him. He didn’t have to agree to that. Has he been able to talk to you much about any of if?” She thought on that question for a few moments, biting the corner of her lip. Then she shook her head slowly. “No, Brandon wouldn’t have asked anything like that of Merlin. But I’m not sure Merlin would’ve done it without Brandon knowing. We can’t know the logistics of Brandon’s wishes. We know some but he’ll have other private things he reserved for Merlin only.”
Jaxson sat back, resting his head against the wall. At least talking about Paxton was a distraction from his terror that someone would talk through those doors and tell him Brandon had died. “He was very tired and off his food. I noticed that much. But I figured he was like me. If I’m exhausted, I don’t feel hungry. He had been doing a lot of timezone hopping for his job and he told me at the wedding he had just gotten over the flu. Like, we had a lot of sex, he wasn’t noticeably sick. But he was up the night before our flight back to the US with an upset stomach. The morning of the flight, he told me he was tired and had a bad headache. I didn’t know he was feeling sick, that part he didn’t tell me at the time. I probably should’ve grilled him a little more but he wasn’t my boyfriend. I wish he was. I might’ve been able to get him to a doctor before we got on a plane. So… you think Merlin offered something, Brandon agreed? Once Brand took a turn for the worst, Merlin kicked it into action? That’s kind of… brilliant if that’s what’s going on. B doesn’t have to break any of his contracts.”
“Are you beating yourself up for not noticing he was sick? Dude. You’re Brandon Blake’s best friend. How many times in the history of your friendship was he sick and kept it from you? I’d be wagering a bet of ‘a lot’ because the bitch used to do it to me all the time. Case in point when he even had fucking cancer. The only time I ever found out he was sick was when he had symptoms he couldn’t hide. He’s a workaholic. Maybe Paxton was just like that or he didn’t want to mess up a hookup trip to Paris with a sexy guy? None of it matters. What matters is you helped him once you knew he was sick. You still are. You’ve got a habit of self-deprecation, don’t you?” Montana gave him a soft nudge in the shoulder and then released his hand so she could put her arm around his shoulders instead. “I don’t know. Maybe they just stumbled upon it as a possibility and rolled with it. I just don’t know what’s supposed to happen now. Then I remember all over again that maybe none of it will even matter soon.”
Jaxson’s forehead creased when he looked at Montana. “You think I’m self-deprecating? Maybe I am. But in my defense, a lot of it has to do with reuniting with Bran and dealing with the chance of him dying. It’s making me question literally fucking everything in my life. You’re right, though. In the early days, when we were still at school, before he got his big break, I’d know when he was sick. He’d go quiet and always just wanted to go to bed until he felt better. He was never one to whine or complain. His adopted family, by that point, he was just an expensive pain in the ass mistake to them. If he didn’t feel well, he never told them. I think that’s where it came from. Paxton does seem similar, like he doesn’t want to bother anyone if he’s not feeling well. That’s exactly what it was like, now I think about it. Am I supposed to feel guilty for wanting Brandon to live? He’s in so much pain and he’s so sick. It feels fucking cruel to have to keep him going like that but how the fuck are you just supposed to let someone go?”
“So, if Paxton’s like that and he’s had a severe infection in his brain, maybe he doesn’t know how to communicate to you how he’s feeling right now. Maybe him wanting you to keep coming back is him telling you he still wants a chance with you. You know private details about his health and condition. No one had to tell you any of that. How did he even know who you were if he couldn’t remember?” Montana shook her head, posture slumping under the emotional weight. There was so much they didn’t know yet, neither being family. The wait was awful. Not knowing what the hell was happening was even worse. “Guilt for wanting a loved one to live? No. No way. But if he’s not going to get better and all keeping him going is doing is prolonging the pain and suffering, then we can’t be selfish about that. He used to have a DNR. He changed it for Merlin, so it’s Merlin’s choice. But if he hadn’t, he would be dead now.”
“Liam. Guy had every reason to tell me to fuck off and I almost pushed him too, too. But he’s a really great guy. I can see why and how he and Paxton used to be an item, why they’re best friends. But Liam’s super overprotective and understandably so, so the fact I even have a chance is huge. I don’t want to fuck it up. I want to know him better and help him through this. I figure if Bran can pull it off with Merlin, I’ve at least got to take a chance, right? Maybe you’re right, he doesn’t have to keep accepting me as a visitor. I’m no Merlin, though. I wouldn’t even know where to begin in taking care of a sick person. I can barely even take care of myself when I have the flu. My sister says I’m the worst at man flu in the entire universe. Total opposite to B when he’s ill. What about you? Any dating prospects on the horizon. You would be just like Merlin, a champion at caretaking.” Jaxson scrutinised his cup of coffee again but his stomach was still too torn up in knots to attempt it. He had no words for how much he appreciated having Montana to talk to right now, though. Hopefully, he was helping her too. “You know, that’s the part that makes me feel the most sick. If Merlin hadn’t asked him to consider holding back the DNR, they wouldn’t have brought him back when he crashed. So, B gave the choice to Merlin and when Merlin comes out of his procedure, he still might decide to pull the plug.”
Montana softly ruffled Jaxson’s hair with a faint smile. “I’ve got a secret for you. To be a good caretaker, you don’t have to be good at it, you just have to care. The rest of the stuff, it’s gut instinct. You want to help, you do something to help. They’re in pain or feeling sick, just be there. If they need a hand with something, give. That’s really all there is to it. How’s that puke and blood phobia going? You’ve got to have had some decent exposure therapy by now. Me? Nah. I mean, I met a guy at the wedding but he probably barely remembers speaking to me. He seemed pretty… charismatic. Knew most people there.” She shook her hand, tucking her hair behind her ear. “He’s not going to do that. He wouldn’t have had the procedure. He’s going ahead with the transplant. He’s giving Brandon one final chance. When Merlin’s feeling a bit better, you should talk to him about this, his thought processes, why he decided what he did. He’s a sweetheart, Jax. He’ll talk to you.”
Jaxson took a deep breath through his nose and let it out slowly, searching Montana’s face when she offered her reassurances. “You really think it’s as simple as that? Paxton’s… he might need a personal home nurse when he goes home. At least, that’s been tossed around but his brother might take a leave of absence from his job here to do it. He needs hands-on nursing. Way more than just giving him a wet facecloth if he pukes or tucking him in and making him a cup of tea. Like, full-on stuff like Merlin’s done with Brandon. I don’t know if I can even do a tiny bit of that. Shit, really? Who? What’s his name? Does B know him?” He sighed again, checking his watch. Through all this, he wasn’t able to isolate off anyone how long Merlin would be in surgery. Even then, Jesse told him that no matter how long the procedure, it could be a lot longer before Merlin was up to speaking to anyone. “Merlin should kick my fucking ass for doubting him and his intentions with that post. You really think he’ll consent to B’s transplant? He might change his mind.”
“That bad, huh? But that’s okay because he’ll get a little better and he’ll have help to rehabilitate. Those things, you can learn, you know. We’re not static beings. We’re built to learn and evolve, better ourselves. You think Merlin just knew what he was doing? He didn’t. He had a very sheltered upbringing. He only learnt this stuff once he found out Jesse was his biological brother and started helping him when he had seizures. He would help Jesse when Jace had seizures. Your heart just needs to be in the right place. Well, his name’s Aaron. He’s a flight paramedic. That’s pretty much all I know. We danced, he got me a drink, chatted about how nice the wedding was. Then he danced with someone else. I have no idea if B knows him. Crazy hot, my god. I don’t even know if he was single. Should we be talking about this stuff right now? Me perving on some poor soul at the wedding?” Montana managed a smirk but pressed her lips together. “Merlin will never rest if he doesn’t let them give this a go. If he doesn’t, Brandon dies. If he does, he still might die… but there’s a tiny glimmer of hope he won’t. That’s not a hope Merlin will be able to rest without trying. And I think Brandon probably knew as much, that’s why he gave Merlin so much power over his life. He knows Merlin will make the right decisions for him, regardless of any of the rest of us.”
“Aaron? Monty, Aaron’s Beau’s big brother. He’s practically B’s family now. Like, multilayered connections. Beau’s Zander’s partner, Zander’s Paxton’s big brother. Beau’s one of Brandon’s oncologists, survived leukemia himself. Twice. Bran definitely knows him, he was telling me about him because Aaron was Beau’s bone marrow donor when he had leukemia the first time as a kid. I don’t know if he’s single but I’m pretty sure I can find out in a text or two. Now seems like a perfect time to talk about it. We both need the distraction. What do you say? I can text Liam and ask him. He could probably use the distraction too because Damien will be a mess waiting for Merlin to get out of surgery. Maybe something good can come out of all this awful.” Jaxson took his phone out, giving it a shake. “I’m so fucking scared of what’s going to happen. If Lachlan and Tara tell us in a few days that it’s game over because B’s too sick for the transplant to take, I just… I don’t fucking know.”
It was fucking sobering and confronting to hear it put like that. Montana stared at the wall across from them, feeling numb herself. All this was impossible to process without agony eating away in you heart and stomach. Maybe distractions were all they had. “They still have to try. There’s no way Merlin would cope if they didn’t. But I know at the same time, it probably crushed him to have to make the choice. He broke his arm. Wesley said he punched a wall because he was so angry. I can’t imagine Merlin angry at all…” She looked at Jaxson’s phone in his hand and rubbed her forehead tiredly. “Fuck, I want to say no. I’m a shocker for being rejected. There’s no way he’s single. He was too sweet and sexy. Those types aren’t single.”
“Wait, what? I didn’t know that. He broke his arm? Fucking hell. Do you know more of what happened? I haven’t even seen Wes around but I assumed he was here somewhere. I just… shit. I can’t imagine Merlin angry like that either but it says so much, doesn’t it? In amongst all this Instagram shit, we’ve lost sight of how awful making that choice to go ahead with the procedure must’ve been for him. Fuck, I wish I could talk to someone who knew more but I get it. The whole family only thing. They have to draw the line somewhere. Has the media cottoned on to the fact Bran is here yet or are they trying to keep that hush?” Jaxson was already scrolling his contacts list and found Liam’s number, opening a new message. “Well… only one way to find out, isn’t there?” He typed in a quick message asking Liam if Aaron was single and hit send.
“Oly told me. That’s why Merlin will probably take longer in the OR. They had to open him up to realign the bones. Which means, she has to wait longer to find out if Brandon had any wishes on how to handle his PR if something like this happened. He gave her a rundown if he didn’t do well after the transplant but no one saw this coming. The plan had been not to make any statements at all until after the transplant had been done. The media doesn’t know where he is he. He hasn’t disclosed the location of any of his cancer treatment. That’s why she wants to keep too many people swooping in and arousing suspicions. But the thing is, people might get wind Merlin’s here. Because he’s so connected to Justin, it could be hard for him to hide in plain sight.” Montana almost tried to snatch Jaxson’s phone off him but he was such a damn fucking quick texter, it was done and sent before she realised he wasn’t actually joking about texting Liam. “Shit, no! Oh my god, he has so much going on with his family! This is the least of his worries. Fucking hell, I can’t believe you just did that!” She gave him a soft smack on the shoulder.
Jaxson’s phone dinged with a return message and his eyebrows crept up, giving her a pointed look. “Well, now, do you want me to read it?” He held up his phone again but his palm was concealing the screen. “Shit, this is a way more fucking complicated situation than I even realised but if Merlin did this deliberately, do you think he thought all this out? If he was that angry, maybe he didn’t? I can’t believe the poor guy busted his hand. It mustn’t be a simple break either if they’re operating. Fuck, I can’t handle this wait. It’s driving me crazy. I know in my rational mind life support means Brandon will stay alive at least until Merlin decides to turn it off but… it’s hard not to fear the worst. What do we do if Merlin doesn’t want any of us involved in all this?”
Montana looked at the phone, shifting in her seat. She bit her lip, shaking her head but it was only because she didn’t know her answer. “I don’t know how Merlin’s feeling or what he’s thinking. How could we? We could try to figure it out but we’d be so wrong because we don’t know what he and Brandon figured out together. I couldn’t tell you what it’s like to be married. I’ve never even gotten close. It’s been ages since my last serious relationship. My friends like to think it’s because I’m married to my job. Maybe that’s part of it. Mostly, I just don’t want to settle for jerks. I’ve had my fill of jerks. Plus, I’ve had the odd potential boyfriend get jealous of all the time I spend with Brandon. Him coming out might do me a favour too,” she joked but she couldn’t put any humour behind it. Mostly, she felt like crying again. “Okay, fuck. Tell me what Liam said or I’m seriously going to start bawling again.”
This time, it was Jaxson’s turn to put his arm around Montana to try to comfort her. He rubbed her shoulder and gave her a little squeeze. He could try to offer soothing words but there weren’t any. They had to start preparing for the chance Brandon was going to die soon. But no one knew how to figure out how to do that. He held his phone in front of them and brought up his messages with the reply from Liam. He actually had an ulterior motive in texting Liam. “There you go. Aaron’s single. Has been for ages. And this reply? Means Merlin’s out of surgery. Liam was working so he scrubbed in on Merlin’s procedure. I can’t ask him for any details, though. He’s not allowed to say and Merlin’s probably too out of it to talk yet anyway.”
“Fuck.” Montana couldn’t even get excited about hearing Aaron was single. It sounded like too many family connections anyway. At least, if Brandon survived. What happened if he didn’t? She wasn’t even thinking about her job. She would quit her job in a heartbeat if she could exchange it for Brandon getting to live. “Still might be awhile. I feel like I need a smoke. And I quit years ago.”
“You’ve been spending too much time with Bran.” Jaxson offered her a faint smile, but it suddenly felt too exhausting to even manage that. He stood up, offering Montana his hand. “C’mon. Let’s go buy a pack. Other than sharing a few joints with Bran, I haven’t smoked in ages either. May as well fall off the wagon together.”
Montana took Jaxson’s hand and let him help her up. “Okay. But only if you tell me more about Paxton.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: The Waiting Game
Where: Critical Care, Mount Sinai
When: After this and this
Jaxson was sitting in the waiting room just outside the doors to the vast critical care unit, head in his hands and trying to figure out if he wanted to cry, throw up, or hit something. Mostly, he just felt numb. He closed his eyes slowly. It was meant to be a blink but every tiny little action felt like a battle all of a sudden. He was in shock after hearing the news Brandon had taken a seriously bad turn. Not just a bad turn where they gave him extra meds and he got through it. It was a bad turn where he was left on life support. He was literally as close to death as you could be whilst still being alive. Jaxson hadn’t been prepared for this. He believed all the hope, he really thought Brandon would bounce back after the bone marrow transplant.
He didn’t know how the fuck to cope. One tiny little shred of comfort had been when the news came and he had been visiting Paxton again. Over the last couple of days, Paxton’s condition had been improving to where he now recognised Jaxson and understood something had sparked between them. He wanted Jaxson to keep visiting so they could have more time together. Jesse came to deliver the bad news and Jaxson was glad he had him and Paxton there because he pretty much lost his shit. Lost it so bad, he didn’t know how to find it again.
And they couldn’t let him in to see Brandon. Merlin had to give authority on who could have access to Brandon while he was unconscious and Merlin was in surgery with the only hope Brandon had to survive. Everything was so fucked up. Jaxson was homesick and missed his family too, that didn’t help to alleviate the mess he was. He was trying to work up the balls to call them and tell them what happened. He couldn’t even think how to start the conversation. He only told them the day before yesterday that Brandon was holding up okay with the pre-transplant irradiation.
“I’m sorry this can’t be alcoholic. But if it could, you probably wouldn’t want to stop.” Montana came to sit down beside Jaxson and offered him a cup of coffee. “They still can’t give us any news?”
Jaxson accepted the cup but he knew if he drank anything, he would vomit again. He already lost his lunch after Jesse told him the news. But it gave him something to do with his hands rather than trying to scrape his hair out by the roots from stress. “No. Nothing. Jesse said there’s no change but his hands are tied with how much he can say anyway. Bran’s Five Wishes orders are clear that Merlin holds the reins and he has to make the calls on who can access Brandon or anything about him. I totally respect that. I do. That’s what Bran wanted, it would’ve given him comfort. I just… don’t know if I’m supposed to be pissed off at Merlin’s mistake on Instagram or not. How can I be pissed when this is happening? But he’s fucked up so bad.”
Montana shook her head. “I don’t think it was a fuck up, honey. I’ve had this gut feeling for awhile that B’s had a coming out strategy in place, even if he hadn’t told anyone. I think ever since the wedding, he’s struggled with the fact he’s closeted. He’s so in love, he doesn’t want to hide it. But all this? It’s so much more huge and beyond us. I get a lot of inside info but he hasn’t discussed a lot about going into his transplant. I think he’s left that in Merlin’s very capable hands.” She took a travel pack of Kleenex out of her handbag, tugging a few from it, then offered it to Jaxson.
Jaxson took a couple of the Kleenex without thinking about it but he hadn’t been able to cry yet. He wanted to. He felt like it should be what he was doing and maybe it would help but he couldn’t. He felt sick and shaky but tears were elusive, like even his emotions were in shock. “He’s talked to me about a hell of a lot. More than I deserve but he didn’t want to talk about this, you’re right. Maybe he thought he’d jinx himself. I thought you’d know more?”
“Pre-Merlin, I might have. But I don’t really think so. He still would’ve just gone about this is his usual Brandon way. A lone soldier. Best case scenario that is. Without Merlin, though, he wouldn’t have lasted this long. He would’ve ended it. I don’t doubt that whatsoever. Now he has everything to live for and he still might not make it.” Montana tried to blink back her own tears but she couldn’t manage it. She wiped them away with the tissues. “Seeing him fall in love… fuck, I didn’t think I’d ever witness that. Let alone all this. Merlin’s been the exception to all his rules. He set out to repel love and serious relationships. He wa sa professional manwhore. Or at least, that was part of his branding.”
“And there I was thinking all along it was just me he wanted to repel romantically.” Jaxson had a shot at a wry smile but he couldn’t. He looked at Montana, absentmindedly weaving the tissue between his fingers. “When he first told me about Merlin, I wanted to hate him.I was jealous, wondering why the hell he managed what I couldn’t. That was so friggin stupid. They’re made for each other. This shouldn’t be fucking happening.”
Montana’s eyes were on an immunisation poster on the opposite wall. She was trying her best not to be a constant bawling mess. She was still Brandon’s Personal Assistant. She wanted to be on hand to help if his family needed it. She was absolutely well and truly hitting the fan with Merlin’s post but none of it fell into the scope of her employment. That was up to the rest of Brandon’s team, the showrunners, network execs and Merlin and Brandon’s attorneys to deal with now. “I think Merlin’s one of those people who are impossible to hate. You never would’ve hated someone Brandon loved anyway. You’ve been believing he’ll beat this, haven’t you? So have I…”
Brandon’s breath hitched and he had to bite on his lip to try to maintain his composure. Not being able to cry, he was scared how else his emotions might come out. He had already caught himself trying to blame Merlin, which wasn’t fair at all. If for no other reason than the factor Brandon wanted to be out. Now he was. Did it matter how if he might be about to die? “I never pegged myself as delusional. It wasn’t that I didn’t think he could die. I just didn’t want to accept that he would. That’s how Merlin’s been different. Healthy for him, you know? He never cockblocked Bran needing to face this head-on. He never deluded himself Brandon might die. All he did - the roadtrip, the engagement, the wedding - it was all because he accepted the reality. Now I feel like I let B down.”
“All that, and it’s really so hard for you to believe he would post a simple Insta post giving him one thing Brandon wanted more than anything? Boy, you really are delusional.” Montana studied Jaxson’s face but it was hard to offer any sort of reassurance, not even the slightest hint of a smile. So she took his hand instead. “But you haven’t let him down. You’re here, aren’t you? He’s never imposed any rules on us for how we deal with our own grief of all this. Some of us are going to cry so much we feel like we’ll never stop. Some will get angry. Some will want to take it out on others. Grief comes in a lot of different forms. And it doesn’t hold off until someone actually dies. It starts from the moment you hear they’re sick and they might. You’ve had a double-strike too, with what happened with Paxton. You don’t have to have known someone long to fear they might lose their life.”
Jaxson squeezed Montana’s hand, grateful for her presence and comfort. “I… didn’t think about it like that. Fuck. Maybe you’re right? But it would be risking getting himself sued because he’s signed NDAs. Why would he risk that when Brandon’s literally at his worst right now? It seems so fucking trivial. I guess that’s why I’m struggling. But then again, I’m out. I’ve always been out, ever since I knew I was bi. Out and accepted. I don’t know what it’s like to be held in the closet. It’s not something B ever talked to me about. He avoided the subject completely, just said it is what it is.” He made a sound that was an attempt at a slight laugh but it was just a sharp exhalation through his nose as he glanced at the doors of the ICU. “I think Pax might just be humouring me. He says he thinks he’s remembering but he’s not well enough to really have any capacity to pursue anything with me. I’m wondering if I should cut my losses.”
“You haven’t met Mark Campbell, have you? Justin’s dad. Here. Watch this.” Montana put her tea down on the seat beside her and took her phone out. She found an infamous video online of Mark being an absolute demon in the courtroom after he had some incredible record for success over a number of years. It went viral not long after he spoke out about Justin and his support for his career in the spotlight and people realised the high profile attorney was Justin’s father. It was one of the reasons why Justin was protected as he was. “Even if Merlin breached an NDA, there’s no way anyone will win a lawsuit against him with Mark as his attorney. He’ll not only be savage, he’ll make sure the case has top exposure and the network won’t want to risk that. It’ll make them look homophobic and unsupportive of one of their biggest stars dying of cancer. If Pax is that sick neurologically, he’s not going to be thinking about humouring you. Maybe he just really wants you there. How is he?”
With a little frown of confusion, Jaxson took Montana’s phone. He hadn’t met Justin’s dad at the wedding but he had been there with his gorgeous wife. It was where Jaxson discovered Justin’s dad was an identical twin and Justin’s mom wasn’t his biological mom. “Pax? He’s got paralysis in his legs. They don’t know if it’ll be permanent. He’s got vertigo and headaches. Some speech and vision issues. A couple of other things I can’t really talk about because they’re pretty private. He’s got a lot of recovering to do before they know if there’s long-term damage. But he’s a sweetheart. Says he likes my company.” He hit play on the video and turned the sound down a little, holding it closer so he could hear. What he saw, Montana was absolutely spot on saying Mark was a demon in the courtroom. Even in just the few minutes Jaxson watched, he tore shreds off the opposition and won the multimillion dollar lawsuit involving some discrimination and fraud case involving homophobia and sexual harassment. By the time the video ended, his mouth was hanging open and he looked at Montana. “Holy fuck. And he’s Merlin’s attorney? If he gets sued on breaching the NDA, this is who he gets?”
“He can’t walk? Jax, fuck. So… he’s still pretty sick and has memory issues. His body went through a hell of a lot. How do you feel about him? Or was it just a hookup? I mean, it probably means a lot you keep coming back for him. That’s what Brandon said helped him open up with Merlin. He didn’t give up on him.” Montana asked and put her phone back, slipping it into her handbag. “He’s Brandon’s attorney too. If anyone tries to sue Merlin, Mark won’t play nice. Alistair said that’s an absolute certainty. He’s worked with Mark a lot and Mark hates injustices like this. He lost his sister-in-law to cancer. His wife lost her mom to it and almost her brother recently from a brain tumour. All that aside, though. It’s done now. It changes everything… but the one thing we need it to change. It can’t save Brandon. But if he dies, maybe it means he’ll bow out with peace.”
Jaxson shook his head, looking down at his hands. “Not at the moment. He can’t even really sit up or move too much because he passes out or vomits from the vertigo. It was initially just a hookup but we hit it off really well. Bearing in mind, too, he was sick most of the trip. I just didn’t realise it. He told me on the plane before he took the bad turn that he wasn’t a hookup sort of guy. I like to think if he didn’t get sick, we might’ve given dating a shot. I’ve got feelings for him, I just don’t know what they are until he’s fully capable of reciprocating, you know?” He sighed and rubbed his eyes, finally beginning to relent of his frustration at what Merlin did. “You think B asked him to do it? It just doesn’t make sense, no one was expecting B to crash like this before the transplant. B wouldn’t have even been expecting it.”
Montana took Jaxson’s hand again, knowing he needed it. He didn’t even have to say it, she just knew. He was a lot like Brandon, they had many similarities. He just wasn’t as broody or complex as Brandon. “He was sick before? Did you just think he was jetlagged or something? How do you know he’s not reciprocating, though? Sounds like he’s reciprocating something, if he likes having you visit him. He didn’t have to agree to that. Has he been able to talk to you much about any of if?” She thought on that question for a few moments, biting the corner of her lip. Then she shook her head slowly. “No, Brandon wouldn’t have asked anything like that of Merlin. But I’m not sure Merlin would’ve done it without Brandon knowing. We can’t know the logistics of Brandon’s wishes. We know some but he’ll have other private things he reserved for Merlin only.”
Jaxson sat back, resting his head against the wall. At least talking about Paxton was a distraction from his terror that someone would talk through those doors and tell him Brandon had died. “He was very tired and off his food. I noticed that much. But I figured he was like me. If I’m exhausted, I don’t feel hungry. He had been doing a lot of timezone hopping for his job and he told me at the wedding he had just gotten over the flu. Like, we had a lot of sex, he wasn’t noticeably sick. But he was up the night before our flight back to the US with an upset stomach. The morning of the flight, he told me he was tired and had a bad headache. I didn’t know he was feeling sick, that part he didn’t tell me at the time. I probably should’ve grilled him a little more but he wasn’t my boyfriend. I wish he was. I might’ve been able to get him to a doctor before we got on a plane. So… you think Merlin offered something, Brandon agreed? Once Brand took a turn for the worst, Merlin kicked it into action? That’s kind of… brilliant if that’s what’s going on. B doesn’t have to break any of his contracts.”
“Are you beating yourself up for not noticing he was sick? Dude. You’re Brandon Blake’s best friend. How many times in the history of your friendship was he sick and kept it from you? I’d be wagering a bet of ‘a lot’ because the bitch used to do it to me all the time. Case in point when he even had fucking cancer. The only time I ever found out he was sick was when he had symptoms he couldn’t hide. He’s a workaholic. Maybe Paxton was just like that or he didn’t want to mess up a hookup trip to Paris with a sexy guy? None of it matters. What matters is you helped him once you knew he was sick. You still are. You’ve got a habit of self-deprecation, don’t you?” Montana gave him a soft nudge in the shoulder and then released his hand so she could put her arm around his shoulders instead. “I don’t know. Maybe they just stumbled upon it as a possibility and rolled with it. I just don’t know what’s supposed to happen now. Then I remember all over again that maybe none of it will even matter soon.”
Jaxson’s forehead creased when he looked at Montana. “You think I’m self-deprecating? Maybe I am. But in my defense, a lot of it has to do with reuniting with Bran and dealing with the chance of him dying. It’s making me question literally fucking everything in my life. You’re right, though. In the early days, when we were still at school, before he got his big break, I’d know when he was sick. He’d go quiet and always just wanted to go to bed until he felt better. He was never one to whine or complain. His adopted family, by that point, he was just an expensive pain in the ass mistake to them. If he didn’t feel well, he never told them. I think that’s where it came from. Paxton does seem similar, like he doesn’t want to bother anyone if he’s not feeling well. That’s exactly what it was like, now I think about it. Am I supposed to feel guilty for wanting Brandon to live? He’s in so much pain and he’s so sick. It feels fucking cruel to have to keep him going like that but how the fuck are you just supposed to let someone go?”
“So, if Paxton’s like that and he’s had a severe infection in his brain, maybe he doesn’t know how to communicate to you how he’s feeling right now. Maybe him wanting you to keep coming back is him telling you he still wants a chance with you. You know private details about his health and condition. No one had to tell you any of that. How did he even know who you were if he couldn’t remember?” Montana shook her head, posture slumping under the emotional weight. There was so much they didn’t know yet, neither being family. The wait was awful. Not knowing what the hell was happening was even worse. “Guilt for wanting a loved one to live? No. No way. But if he’s not going to get better and all keeping him going is doing is prolonging the pain and suffering, then we can’t be selfish about that. He used to have a DNR. He changed it for Merlin, so it’s Merlin’s choice. But if he hadn’t, he would be dead now.”
“Liam. Guy had every reason to tell me to fuck off and I almost pushed him too, too. But he’s a really great guy. I can see why and how he and Paxton used to be an item, why they’re best friends. But Liam’s super overprotective and understandably so, so the fact I even have a chance is huge. I don’t want to fuck it up. I want to know him better and help him through this. I figure if Bran can pull it off with Merlin, I’ve at least got to take a chance, right? Maybe you’re right, he doesn’t have to keep accepting me as a visitor. I’m no Merlin, though. I wouldn’t even know where to begin in taking care of a sick person. I can barely even take care of myself when I have the flu. My sister says I’m the worst at man flu in the entire universe. Total opposite to B when he’s ill. What about you? Any dating prospects on the horizon. You would be just like Merlin, a champion at caretaking.” Jaxson scrutinised his cup of coffee again but his stomach was still too torn up in knots to attempt it. He had no words for how much he appreciated having Montana to talk to right now, though. Hopefully, he was helping her too. “You know, that’s the part that makes me feel the most sick. If Merlin hadn’t asked him to consider holding back the DNR, they wouldn’t have brought him back when he crashed. So, B gave the choice to Merlin and when Merlin comes out of his procedure, he still might decide to pull the plug.”
Montana softly ruffled Jaxson’s hair with a faint smile. “I’ve got a secret for you. To be a good caretaker, you don’t have to be good at it, you just have to care. The rest of the stuff, it’s gut instinct. You want to help, you do something to help. They’re in pain or feeling sick, just be there. If they need a hand with something, give. That’s really all there is to it. How’s that puke and blood phobia going? You’ve got to have had some decent exposure therapy by now. Me? Nah. I mean, I met a guy at the wedding but he probably barely remembers speaking to me. He seemed pretty… charismatic. Knew most people there.” She shook her hand, tucking her hair behind her ear. “He’s not going to do that. He wouldn’t have had the procedure. He’s going ahead with the transplant. He’s giving Brandon one final chance. When Merlin’s feeling a bit better, you should talk to him about this, his thought processes, why he decided what he did. He’s a sweetheart, Jax. He’ll talk to you.”
Jaxson took a deep breath through his nose and let it out slowly, searching Montana’s face when she offered her reassurances. “You really think it’s as simple as that? Paxton’s… he might need a personal home nurse when he goes home. At least, that’s been tossed around but his brother might take a leave of absence from his job here to do it. He needs hands-on nursing. Way more than just giving him a wet facecloth if he pukes or tucking him in and making him a cup of tea. Like, full-on stuff like Merlin’s done with Brandon. I don’t know if I can even do a tiny bit of that. Shit, really? Who? What’s his name? Does B know him?” He sighed again, checking his watch. Through all this, he wasn’t able to isolate off anyone how long Merlin would be in surgery. Even then, Jesse told him that no matter how long the procedure, it could be a lot longer before Merlin was up to speaking to anyone. “Merlin should kick my fucking ass for doubting him and his intentions with that post. You really think he’ll consent to B’s transplant? He might change his mind.”
“That bad, huh? But that’s okay because he’ll get a little better and he’ll have help to rehabilitate. Those things, you can learn, you know. We’re not static beings. We’re built to learn and evolve, better ourselves. You think Merlin just knew what he was doing? He didn’t. He had a very sheltered upbringing. He only learnt this stuff once he found out Jesse was his biological brother and started helping him when he had seizures. He would help Jesse when Jace had seizures. Your heart just needs to be in the right place. Well, his name’s Aaron. He’s a flight paramedic. That’s pretty much all I know. We danced, he got me a drink, chatted about how nice the wedding was. Then he danced with someone else. I have no idea if B knows him. Crazy hot, my god. I don’t even know if he was single. Should we be talking about this stuff right now? Me perving on some poor soul at the wedding?” Montana managed a smirk but pressed her lips together. “Merlin will never rest if he doesn’t let them give this a go. If he doesn’t, Brandon dies. If he does, he still might die… but there’s a tiny glimmer of hope he won’t. That’s not a hope Merlin will be able to rest without trying. And I think Brandon probably knew as much, that’s why he gave Merlin so much power over his life. He knows Merlin will make the right decisions for him, regardless of any of the rest of us.”
“Aaron? Monty, Aaron’s Beau’s big brother. He’s practically B’s family now. Like, multilayered connections. Beau’s Zander’s partner, Zander’s Paxton’s big brother. Beau’s one of Brandon’s oncologists, survived leukemia himself. Twice. Bran definitely knows him, he was telling me about him because Aaron was Beau’s bone marrow donor when he had leukemia the first time as a kid. I don’t know if he’s single but I’m pretty sure I can find out in a text or two. Now seems like a perfect time to talk about it. We both need the distraction. What do you say? I can text Liam and ask him. He could probably use the distraction too because Damien will be a mess waiting for Merlin to get out of surgery. Maybe something good can come out of all this awful.” Jaxson took his phone out, giving it a shake. “I’m so fucking scared of what’s going to happen. If Lachlan and Tara tell us in a few days that it’s game over because B’s too sick for the transplant to take, I just… I don’t fucking know.”
It was fucking sobering and confronting to hear it put like that. Montana stared at the wall across from them, feeling numb herself. All this was impossible to process without agony eating away in you heart and stomach. Maybe distractions were all they had. “They still have to try. There’s no way Merlin would cope if they didn’t. But I know at the same time, it probably crushed him to have to make the choice. He broke his arm. Wesley said he punched a wall because he was so angry. I can’t imagine Merlin angry at all…” She looked at Jaxson’s phone in his hand and rubbed her forehead tiredly. “Fuck, I want to say no. I’m a shocker for being rejected. There’s no way he’s single. He was too sweet and sexy. Those types aren’t single.”
“Wait, what? I didn’t know that. He broke his arm? Fucking hell. Do you know more of what happened? I haven’t even seen Wes around but I assumed he was here somewhere. I just… shit. I can’t imagine Merlin angry like that either but it says so much, doesn’t it? In amongst all this Instagram shit, we’ve lost sight of how awful making that choice to go ahead with the procedure must’ve been for him. Fuck, I wish I could talk to someone who knew more but I get it. The whole family only thing. They have to draw the line somewhere. Has the media cottoned on to the fact Bran is here yet or are they trying to keep that hush?” Jaxson was already scrolling his contacts list and found Liam’s number, opening a new message. “Well… only one way to find out, isn’t there?” He typed in a quick message asking Liam if Aaron was single and hit send.
“Oly told me. That’s why Merlin will probably take longer in the OR. They had to open him up to realign the bones. Which means, she has to wait longer to find out if Brandon had any wishes on how to handle his PR if something like this happened. He gave her a rundown if he didn’t do well after the transplant but no one saw this coming. The plan had been not to make any statements at all until after the transplant had been done. The media doesn’t know where he is he. He hasn’t disclosed the location of any of his cancer treatment. That’s why she wants to keep too many people swooping in and arousing suspicions. But the thing is, people might get wind Merlin’s here. Because he’s so connected to Justin, it could be hard for him to hide in plain sight.” Montana almost tried to snatch Jaxson’s phone off him but he was such a damn fucking quick texter, it was done and sent before she realised he wasn’t actually joking about texting Liam. “Shit, no! Oh my god, he has so much going on with his family! This is the least of his worries. Fucking hell, I can’t believe you just did that!” She gave him a soft smack on the shoulder.
Jaxson’s phone dinged with a return message and his eyebrows crept up, giving her a pointed look. “Well, now, do you want me to read it?” He held up his phone again but his palm was concealing the screen. “Shit, this is a way more fucking complicated situation than I even realised but if Merlin did this deliberately, do you think he thought all this out? If he was that angry, maybe he didn’t? I can’t believe the poor guy busted his hand. It mustn’t be a simple break either if they’re operating. Fuck, I can’t handle this wait. It’s driving me crazy. I know in my rational mind life support means Brandon will stay alive at least until Merlin decides to turn it off but… it’s hard not to fear the worst. What do we do if Merlin doesn’t want any of us involved in all this?”
Montana looked at the phone, shifting in her seat. She bit her lip, shaking her head but it was only because she didn’t know her answer. “I don’t know how Merlin’s feeling or what he’s thinking. How could we? We could try to figure it out but we’d be so wrong because we don’t know what he and Brandon figured out together. I couldn’t tell you what it’s like to be married. I’ve never even gotten close. It’s been ages since my last serious relationship. My friends like to think it’s because I’m married to my job. Maybe that’s part of it. Mostly, I just don’t want to settle for jerks. I’ve had my fill of jerks. Plus, I’ve had the odd potential boyfriend get jealous of all the time I spend with Brandon. Him coming out might do me a favour too,” she joked but she couldn’t put any humour behind it. Mostly, she felt like crying again. “Okay, fuck. Tell me what Liam said or I’m seriously going to start bawling again.”
This time, it was Jaxson’s turn to put his arm around Montana to try to comfort her. He rubbed her shoulder and gave her a little squeeze. He could try to offer soothing words but there weren’t any. They had to start preparing for the chance Brandon was going to die soon. But no one knew how to figure out how to do that. He held his phone in front of them and brought up his messages with the reply from Liam. He actually had an ulterior motive in texting Liam. “There you go. Aaron’s single. Has been for ages. And this reply? Means Merlin’s out of surgery. Liam was working so he scrubbed in on Merlin’s procedure. I can’t ask him for any details, though. He’s not allowed to say and Merlin’s probably too out of it to talk yet anyway.”
“Fuck.” Montana couldn’t even get excited about hearing Aaron was single. It sounded like too many family connections anyway. At least, if Brandon survived. What happened if he didn’t? She wasn’t even thinking about her job. She would quit her job in a heartbeat if she could exchange it for Brandon getting to live. “Still might be awhile. I feel like I need a smoke. And I quit years ago.”
“You’ve been spending too much time with Bran.” Jaxson offered her a faint smile, but it suddenly felt too exhausting to even manage that. He stood up, offering Montana his hand. “C’mon. Let’s go buy a pack. Other than sharing a few joints with Bran, I haven’t smoked in ages either. May as well fall off the wagon together.”
Montana took Jaxson’s hand and let him help her up. “Okay. But only if you tell me more about Paxton.”
LOG, COMPLETE