Merlin Timothy Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
magicmoments) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-09-23 03:50 am
magicmoments) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-09-23 03:50 am
"One life, one decision, make sure it ends with you still living."
Who: Merlin Blake, Olympia Duvall and Beau Watson (with Brandon Blake)
What: Heavy Burdens
Where: Oncology Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this
It was Olympia who found a unique way for Merlin to interact with people beyond the glass walls of the isolation hospital room Brandon had to stay in until the bone marrow engraftment took and his immune system began to recover. He would be lying if he didn’t admit he was going stir crazy. He adored his husband so much and he was in agony with how sick Brandon was but it was proving to be the hardest thing in the world stuck in a room with him and being unable to communicate with him at all. Merlin tried talking to him. He tried reading to him. He definitely tried bawling all over him in a sobbing snotty mess so many times he lost count. But other than the doctors and nurses, even though they were familiar faces, it was hard not being able to spend time with his family and friends.
There had been some FaceTiming. His parents checked in daily but Merlin didn’t always feel like talking. He chatted a bit to Jesse and Damien. He had a long talk with Jaxson, trying to reassure him it was okay to be feeling fucked up with fear that Brandon might die and he couldn’t get close to him to say goodbye if the time came. Merlin asked Tara about that, what might happen if Brandon lost the fight. She told him that the first thing they might notice is Brandon’s skin would feel cool and maybe begin to get a slight blueish tinge as his circulation slowed and his blood pressure would drop significantly. There could be organ failure.
It would be quick but they would have signs. As awful as it was to relay this to Jaxson, Tara promised him that if any of the signs came, they would allow people into the room to spend time with him at the end to be able to say goodbye. With cancer, life support could only do so much. It wouldn’t be able to keep him going long-term. If it looked like Brandon’s body was giving up on him, Merlin would have to make the call when to turn the life support off.
He had been struggling ever since that conversation, not even feeling like talking it out with anyone. Part of his daily routine now before he went to sit by the window to read or stare into space, he checked Brandon’s skin, making sure he still felt warm and nothing was turning blue. It already felt like he had been in there for weeks, when it was really only days. The clinical antiseptic smell no longer made him nauseous but the food on offer wasn’t helping his messed up stomach adjust to anything. It was like he was allergic to stress. All he could do was keep taking the stomach meds and soldiering on. He was tired of soldiering. Every day that went by where Brandon’s condition didn’t change, a little more of Merlin’s hope was being chipped away.
His cell phone rang while he was trying to watch Rocketman on his laptop but his brain wasn’t taking much of it in to enjoy the film. Olympia’s name showed up on his cell and he answered the call. “I guess I can’t keep avoiding your calls, huh?” Just as he said that, there was a knocking sound and he looked up, seeing Olympia standing outside the glass wall on her cell. He put his laptop aside and went over to her so they could still talk, even if there was a barrier of glass between them.
“You could, sweetness, but you know I’ve got to keep trying. You have too much of a baby face to rock the five o’clock shadow look. At least B doesn’t have to worry about beard rash on his butt right now.” Olympia gave Merlin a soft smile, holding her hand against the glass. “How’s he doing? Any change? No one out here will tell any of us any info. We only just learned that the bitch wrote us out in his Five Wishes orders.”
Merlin smirked tiredly and nodded, resting his hand up to hers. “Don’t take it personally. It wasn’t about withholding or keeping anyone out of the loop. He just doesn’t want everyone knowing all the private details, you know? He didn’t want anyone having access to information like incontinence or other things his body might do when he loses control of it. There’s no change. He just lies there… breathing in, breathing out. His chest is the only thing that moves. They change his bed, wash him, put clean gowns on him. His hair’s gone.”
Olympia’s gaze moved to Brandon in the bed but it was hard to see with the cage of machines all around him. He was barely recognisable. “I can’t blame him for any of that, honey. I really can’t. He’s always been private and guarded about his personal stuff. He would never let me close when he was sick prior to this cancer business. He said it wasn’t PR’s concern… and he was right. Speaking of, mister, you’ve left me with a mighty shitshow out here. I’m checkmated until you let me know how you want to play this. Was it intentional?”
Merlin rested his forehead against the glass and just gave Olympia a tired gaze. “You do know who I’m married to, right? What do you think?”
“That bitch.” Olympia smiled, shaking her head. “When did you concoct this little plan of attack? A bit of a head’s up would’ve helped. Not that I think that I could’ve tempered the response. Is this because he’s dying and he doesn’t want anyone to know until it happens?”
“No, it’s not that. We’re not going to know if he’s dying until it’s close to happening. If I knew for certain there was nothing more that could be done, I wouldn’t be keeping him hooked up to this awful shit. But he still might lose the fight. He didn’t wanna die in the closet. I’m sorry about the shitshow but he told me you’d be able to handle it.” Merlin rubbed the back of his neck. “I dunno what the response has been but Damo said something about the Cape Cod pic of us hugging being spread all over the place?”
Olympia nodded, taking a couple of papers out of her bag. It was a printout of some of the headlines that hit after Merlin’s Instagram post went viral. The fuzzy photo of Brandon hugging Merlin outside of a restaurant at Cape Cod had been blown up and zoomed in, obviously trying to prove it was Merlin. “Balance of speculation is about fifty-fifty. Some people think it was fake and you were hacked. Others think it’s legit. You have the little bubble of grey area in the middle where the shippers and LGBT+ community and allys are throwing their support behind him. There’s conspiracy theories like, maybe he’s already dead because he hasn’t been seen in public for so long, or that you really just had a crush on him and you’re scorned because he’s straight and turned you down. It’s fucking messed up shit, hon. You don’t need to see any of it. I just need you to tell me how to play it.”
Closing his eyes, Merlin tried to shift his focus back to what he and Brandon had talked about with all of this. “He wants you to leak a wedding photo, then make an official statement about him having complications with the transplant and that I was his marrow donor. Mostly, he wants to play it in a sense that having cancer made him realise he didn’t want to deny who he really was anymore and that was how he met. But not to put it all out there yet. Only if he makes it through. Keep it vague until then. As to my involvement, just swing it like I’m fucked up with worry - not a lie - and I accidentally posted it to my work Instagram account. I’m focused on taking care of Brandon for now and everything else will have to wait. Is Autumn okay? I was going to warn her but I didn’t really know how else to play any of it. Bran had just crashed and I didn’t know if he would survive any of it. I’m real sorry. I just wanted to help him. He doesn’t have many final wishes, that was just one of them.”
“Autumn’s fine, cutie. She’s a pro. She hasn’t made any sort of statement, she’s just waiting. Fans and the press are pushing her for details about Brandon’s condition but she staying tight-lipped about everything. The showrunners and network execs hit the roof initially, but they’ve realised it’s not B who broke his contract and they’re going to capitalise on the whole thing, I think. Anything but fully supporting him while he’s on death’s door is going to translate into some pretty sick homophobia. There’s a lot of speculation about his sexuality, of course. You know, gay, bi, pan, or any other notch on the spectrum. I didn’t know if you wanted me to set the record straight there or anything if you wanted to keep it vague.” Olympia knew Brandon was gay pretty much as soon as he accepted it himself. A lot of her job entailed ensuring he was intricately branded as a sex symbol, like the show wanted, and he put forward a straight front but never actually labelled himself as straight. He just never talked about his sexuality. It left a lot of room for speculation but it had been the best way to play it because if this time came when he did come out, he could honestly say he never denied being gay or straight.
“Um…” Merlin scrunched his face up, scratching his head. “No, don’t label him. Let him do that if he comes through this. Keep it vague. I don’t want too much out there. He’s not going to be the same person if he survives all this. For all we know, he might give up acting for good and disappear from the spotlight. He’s contemplated that sometimes on his bad days. I know the show has some contingency or whatever if he can’t film, he told me that much. Making his character disappear in some big mystery. I know he left me in the driver’s seat. I’ve known he would once he signed those orders. But actually making these decisions for him is really fucking hard. I feel like every call I make is wrong so I just wanna keep what I need to do to a minimum and right now, that’s just focusing on him.”
Olympia gave him a sad smile, tilting her head. “You didn’t expect any of this to happen, sweetie. You wanted to hope he would be okay and just pull through like a superhero. B’s got some brass balls on him. Always has. But he’s still human. We all know cancer can even eat away at the toughest brass balls. He wouldn’t have wanted any of us doing that for him, you know. No matter how much we loved him. He would’ve ended it before that. Which, just from some of the things he said to me, I think he was planning before you burst into his life in all your adorable shortass glory. He would’ve just swallowed a bunch of pills and ended it on his own terms. And just while I remember to ask, do you want me to use your married name or stage name in any press?”
Merlin looked over his shoulder at Brandon, nodding. “He’s told me that’s exactly what he would’ve done. He had a DNR for a lot longer, though. He signed that as soon as he got the leukemia diagnosis. He put going back to the doctor off so long, by the time they told him, it was aggressive. I think he felt like he signed his own death warrant then. He didn’t feel like he had a lot to live for. Acting was his life and I know he absolutely adores the show and all it did for him but without he, he didn’t feel his life had meaning because he wasn’t living authentically. Oh, fuck, you wanna throw the curly questions at me. Shit, um… yeah, use my married name. I’ll be changing it professionally when I return to work anyway. Don’t worry, my agent already went and secured my usernames on all the social media profiles before fan accounts swoop in. I’ve got nothing to hide and he never wanted me to either. He was just grateful I did. I’m so sorry I’ve left you with all the mess to clean up. This was the only way we could dodge contractual clauses and get him out without ending up in messy court battles that last for years. They weren’t budging. They would never give him a timeframe. They wouldn’t even let him come out as something like bi.”
“They weren’t, sweetie. I was in all those meetings with him. They didn’t want to sway from how he was marketed because it went hand-in-hand with Saxon’s persona. Not that sexuality ever even came into that. Saxon has always been sexually diverse and blurred gender lines. The amount of times he’s been undercover as a woman, and B nailed that every time. That’s why he won so many awards. He’s never just acted in one role, only played one character. He’s played every single different persona he’s been undercover as. I always thought it would be a PR goldmine if he came out but they would want to control the how and that’s why he always went along with keeping him in the closet. He didn’t want it to be on anyone else’s terms. But you, baby… you didn’t even have any terms. If there’s a nutshell of why he fell in love with you, that’s it,” Olympia said knowingly, smiling. “How are you feeling? You know he told us all to keep an eye on you, if you’re wondering why we keep hovering around like a bad smell.”
Merlin rested his arm against the glass so he could use it as a pillow. “That’s the part I don’t get. The part that seemed so cruel. His character can be fucking anything but Brandon in real life had to be straight? It pisses me off even more now, because I had to cause a shitstorm out there when I hate conflict. I shouldn’t be having to out my own husband, for fuck’s sake. It ain’t fair. But if he has to go, then he can go being himself and I’ll be right there loving him for it as he does. I’m feeling sore, tired, a little sick. I was diagnosed with some gut issues before all this happened. But it’s okay. Stress just stirs it up. Bran was worrying I had cancer so I had to get it seen to, so he had the peace of mind. Let’s just go with a universal ‘I feel like shit’. That covers all the--”
He was cut off by a high-pitched alarms sounding through the room and he almost literally crapped himself. No matter how much he had been warned that alarms would sound with any sudden change in Brandon’s condition, he hadn’t expected it to happen. Or for it to sound so fucking terrifying. He had no idea how Sasha survived seeing Justin go through this multiple times. Merlin wasn’t even keeping it together once. Everything he was just talking about with Olympia flew out of his head and he rushed over to Brandon, but he didn’t know what was wrong or what he could do to help. That was the worst part of all, especially when it seemed like Brandon was choking but maybe that meant he was dying. And if he was dying, Merlin wanted to be at his side. Only, as soon as the doctors and nurses started rushing in, Merlin had to be shoved out of the way so they could do their thing.
Whatever that was. The thing Brandon gave Merlin the power to choose between the yes or no. He chose the yes, because it was easier than facing up to just letting Brandon go without a final fight. He didn’t want to let him go at all but if this was his body finally giving up on him, maybe he no longer had any choice at all.
And it was horrible. He had no idea how long it went on for but it felt like hours. All he could do was stand in the corner of the room while they swarmed over Brandon. But he did notice no one was grabbing a defibrillator. That’s what he had been expecting, the attempted resuscitation that would inevitably fail and Brandon would just be… gone. At some point, he started to cry out of sheer panic and not knowing what was going on. Every worst case scenario possible whipped through his mind, until a soft hand came to rest on his arm and pulled him back to reality. “Beau. Is he... ?”
Beau shook his head, smiling gently. “No, buddy. He woke up. Okay?” He rubbed Merlin’s arm, trying to help him calm down. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Just take some deep breaths. I know that was scary to witness and you would’ve been thinking the worst. Just take a few moments to catch your breath.”
“I need to see him! I wanna see him!” Merlin tried to pull away, not at all managing to catch his breath despite Beau’s efforts to help him calm down.
Beau put his hand on Merlin’s shoulder. “Hey, hey. He’s not awake, buddy. He’s still not well enough to maintain consciousness just yet. But he woke and he’s started to breathe on his own so he’s no longer on life support. We need to monitor him closely and you might find he drifts in and out of consciousness but may not be responsive to you. He’s had some minor responses to pain but anything else, it’s a waiting game. Sit with him, hold his hand. Just be prepared to wait.”
Merlin wet his lips, nodding as his breath hitched with the tail-end of his tears. “He was… um, it looked like he was choking? Is he okay? Fuck, I thought he was dying. But, not yet.” He exhaled heavily, leaning over with the sheer weight of relief coming over him.
“He was choking on the ventilator tube. That’s not uncommon if a patient wakes suddenly and become aware of a tube down their throat. We got to him before he pulled it out but he was trying. He didn’t have enough strength in his grip or he might’ve cut himself and caused more big bleeds. Not at all pleasant for him but a good sign overall that his condition’s improving. But we don’t want to get your hopes up. Everything still stands with the transplant process. We still have to wait it out until we get signs the engraftment’s taking. Your job is to stay strong for him. Be there for him once he starts coming around a little more. He’s stable. You can relax a little.” Beau led Merlin over to Brandon’s bed and sat him down in the comfortable recliner chair.
Merlin sat forward in the chair and touched Brandon’s cheek. It was a relief to be able to see his face again now the ventilator tube was gone. There were marks left on his skin from the brace that held it in place and even if he now had an oxygen mask on, it was much less imposing than the life support mechanics. “Oh, fuck…” he sighed, resting his elbows on the bed to bury his face in his hands. At least, as well as he could with one in a cast. If he had any plans to try to sleep, they were gone out the window now. As long as there was a chance Brandon might wake again, he wanted to be there for him. He just didn’t know how much longer he could keep running on empty. Stress alone was sucking most of his depleted energy levels dry.
Beau wheeled one of the portable tables over to Merlin with a tray on it. It had a sandwich, some fruit, and can of Sprite for him. “You should try to eat something. The emotional rollercoaster is exhausting and you feel like you want to get off. Take the breathers when you can get them. We can’t be sure when he’ll come around again. It might be soon. It might not be for days. What I do know is he’ll want to hear you’ve been taking care of yourself. Or at least letting us take care of you. So, try to eat. You need to replenish what you lost preparing you for the bone marrow harvest. Are you okay sitting there or do you want a couple more pillows for under your hips. The pain will settle.”
Merlin took his hands from his face and looked tiredly at the tray with a resolute nod. “Yeah, okay, I’ll eat. Pillows might help, actually. I thought it’d all just be a bit of soreness but it’s more painful than I expected.” He sat forward so Beau could help him tuck a couple of pillows underneath him. He could be sitting there for a long time. He peeled back the wrapper on the sandwich. “How will he feel when he wakes up? I know you’ve been there, what he’s going through.”
“They’re dirty great big aspiration needles they use. It’s okay to feel miserable for awhile, you’ve been through the wringer.” Beau started to take another round of Brandon’s obs, making sure he was remaining stable. “Well, I had better odds because my marrow donor was a direction relation. Still, I was pretty sick directly in the wake of it after the conditioning phase. I didn’t even have radiation like he did either. They caught mine early, it didn’t spread anywhere else. I felt sick all the time and I think I slept a lot. It’s a bit foggy to me bow. I remember a lot of pain. The body’s systems have to work extremely hard until engraftment. Everything’s depleted. I had PEG feeds in my gut like he’s got too. I know I was a champ at the dry-heaves. Even once my guts ejected everything inside, the body still wanted to puke. I cried a lot. It was overwhelming and it’s really fucking tough when you’ve run out of fight but somehow still have to keep battling on. But I wasn’t alone. I had Austin there. Even if all that went to shit, I appreciate how much he loved me and cared for me at the time.”
Merlin paced himself with his sandwich, listening to Beau’s wisdom. He survived this twice, so he gave Merlin a hell of a lot of hope he might not have otherwise. Brandon’s odds were a lot slimmer but it wasn’t game over yet. “What happened with you guys? All I heard was he cheated on you and you asked Mark for a quickie divorce. Was there more to it?”
Beau shook his head. “No, not really, dude. You just tend to have a different perception of time if you survive cancer. You realise how short and fragile life is. I didn’t see a point prolonging the inevitable. Austin moved to LA and, yeah, he did cheat on me. I had a lot of issues in the bedroom department. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get it up. Viagra wasn’t even working. That’s not the only reason it all fell apart. It just didn’t help with the physical intimacy lacking. I struggled with depression after my second bout of cancer. When he cheated on me, I took it really bad. Cheating was always a deal breaker for me. But it felt like I brought it on myself not being able to have sex, and that went on for ages. I actually told him he should go find someone else to fulfill that side of things and I’d be okay with it but he told me he could never do that to me. I guess that’s why it hurt so much when he did it anyway.”
“That’s rough. I was waiting for Brandon to offer something like that to me. I think he might’ve been close but the Viagra really worked for him. We made love a lot during our honeymoon week, in case it was his last time left. But it wiped him out. Cancer’s fucking stressful. It fucks with every part of your life. I’m sorry it led to divorce for you. It’s sad but I know you’re happy with Zander now.” Just as Merlin said that, he was so sure he felt Brandon’s hand move in his. “Shit, if he moves, does that mean he’s waking up?!”
Beau came over to Merlin and sat down with him. “I’d be surprised, buddy. He’s on some strong meds. Listen, I know your nerves are shot and you don’t know what way is up. You’re going to be like a cat on a hot tin roof thinking every little change might mean he’s waking up. Which is okay, that’s understandable. You feel like you’re running out of time. But will you let me jab you with a shot of Valium to help you relax a little? It’ll take its toll, you won’t be able to keep it up for long. Remember, this isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. You have to pace yourself.”
Merlin sighed, shaking his head. “I hate when y’all doctors feel like you’re reading my mind. Then I realise it’s just because you know what you’re doing and what you’re talking about. It’s usually that I just don’t wanna hear the answers. That’s… nothing against you. I know you’re right. But what if I fall asleep and he wakes up? I can’t miss a bit of time with him if that’s all he might have.” He put the sandwich down on the tray, looking down at his lap. “I didn’t think he’d wake up. Every time one of y’all comes in here for whatever reason, I was waiting for you to give me the bad news.”
“If you fall asleep, we’ll wake you up if he wakes. You heard the alarms. We’re warned as soon as his condition changes. The Valium will just help calm you, help you cope a bit better. I’m not going to sedate you. Lachie and Tara will always be completely transparent with you. You’ll know warning signs that he’s deteriorating as soon as they do. Have you thought anymore about talking to a counsellor?” Beau watched Brandon for a few moments, knowing what his family went through when he was in this position. He had all the chances in the world but they were still terrified he wouldn’t make. Merlin’s fears were perfectly understandable. It wasn’t that he shouldn’t be scared. “I’m going to let you in on something. He asked me to keep an eye on you, make sure you holding up okay. He knew your family would but you’re in here and they’re out there. You’re family to me, regardless of blood. He knew you would be doing this to yourself if anything went wrong. Pushing too much. And he doesn’t even know you lost your shit so much, you punched a wall and ended up with pins in your wrist.”
Merlin managed a slight smirk, picking up the sandwich again. “Is that how you knew I’d eat ham and chicken in the same sandwich, and the only mayonnaise I like is Hellmans? I thought maybe Jess gave you the head’s up. I don’t even know if I have the strength to talk to a counsellor. It won’t change how I feel. The only person I feel like talking to his Brandon. I’m so scared I won’t have that chance again. I told him I was okay with this. That I could handle the worst. Turns out, I really can’t.”
“No one can when it comes to cancer, buddy. We want to. We want to take the high road and have the strength everyone talks about but you aren’t supposed to be strong when your other half might die. Fuck strong. Be as weak and fragile as you need to be. Fragile is so much harder than strong because it means confronting realities. Being strong is trying to ignore them. Merl, he knows you wouldn’t cope or know how to handle it. That was hard for him because he couldn’t make it better for you. He was worrying something might go wrong and he couldn’t be there for you. This is why you guys didn’t take traditional vows, isn’t it? He didn’t want to speak that line. I get it. I didn’t want to either when I got married. It felt like just too much of a jinx.” Beau patted Merlin’s knee, knowing what he needed more than anything right now was just someone who got how it felt.
“Yeah, that was one of the first things he asked when we decided to get married. It seems like such a small thing, but it’s not. You don’t wanna tempt fate. Neither of us are traditional, so we didn’t care about that side of things. I think for Bran, it just seemed like stating the fucking obvious, you know? Of course we’ll part of he dies. Why should that be immortalised in our wedding vows? But we had to deal with a lot of those sorts of things leading up to this. I asked him to dissolve the DNR. We worked on his Five Wishes together because he wanted me to be comfortable with everything, just like he was. He told me he doesn’t want me to feel like I can’t move on to fall in love again if he doesn’t make it. A whole bunch of stuff to do with his will and estates. He’s twenty-three years old and we had to sit down and talk about what was in his will. It’s just so fucked up, Beau. I think everything’s just compounding. I miss him and I know that sounds fucking crazy. I miss even just being able to hold him. Maybe I should have that Valium,” Merlin finally conceded quietly. He knew if Brandon was awake, it would make him feel better. He wasn’t at all surprised Brandon asked Merlin to keep an eye on him.
Beau nodded, giving Merlin a sympathetic smile. “It’ll do that. Everything compounding. Then you’ll get sick and be useless to him anyway. Just because you’re in isolation away from bugs and infections doesn’t mean your body won’t sabotage itself. I know it’s hurting, buddy. The lack of physical closeness and intimacy makes it hard, especially since you’ve probably had that with him from the moment you came back to New York and started dating him. But he’s still here. Just because he can’t put his arms around you doesn’t mean you can’t put yours around his. Especially now he’s breathing on his own again. You can sit close to him and hold him. I’m going to get you that shot, okay? Finish your sandwich. I want you to try to chill and just have some time to calm down. I think maybe twenty-four to forty-eight hours is the soonest possible time he’ll wake again. His system’s entirely depleted. He’s still got a fight on his hands and he needs you in his corner.”
Merlin nodded, giving Beau a faint tired smile. “Okay. Can you let Olympia know I’ll FaceTime her when I’m feeling a bit better. I’m too wiped out to make anymore significant choices. I think I gave her enough to work with but if not, just tell her to shoot me a text.”
Beau stood, patting Merlin’s back. “What about everyone else? Do you want them to know he woke up and he’s off assisted breathing? You don’t have to make any choices right now if you just want to have some time to breathe. You’ve already had an incredible burden on your shoulders. It’s okay to stop and breathe.”
Merlin rubbed his face and when he took his hand away again, he wrapped it around Brandon’s to hold. “Let my family know. And Jax. Everyone else, just hold off. I don’t wanna get hopes up if he might crash again. I just wanna wait until he’s awake and I can talk to him. I’ll see how he is in twenty-four hours and figure something out then. I know everyone cares and want updates, but there’s not a lot to say, you know?”
“I think that’s a good call. You need some rest. You should think about taking a quick shower too. It’ll help you relax and feel freshened up.” Beau leaned over and gave Merlin a hug. “I’ve got my pager, okay? You get them to contact me any time day or night if you want someone to vent to or just keep you company while he’s not awake. I don’t want you going stir crazy. Jess is like a brother to me, so you are too by default. I can answer any curly questions about leukemia too, no matter how private or embarrassing. Just promise me you’ll rest after I stab you in the ass with an injection. Eat. We can’t waste some good Hellmans. Chicken breast too, none of the brown bits you don’t like.”
Merlin snorted in amusement and gave Beau an obedient salute. “Scout’s honour. And I was a legit Boy Scout, so that actually means something. Beau?” He fought off another wave of emotion making him feel close to crying again. “Thanks. Not just for being like another brother but for promising Bran you’d take care of me. I know that would’ve made things just a bit easier for him.”
“Anytime, buddy. You take care of him.” Beau gave him a wink and headed out to get the medication, leaving Merlin alone with his thoughts.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Heavy Burdens
Where: Oncology Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this
It was Olympia who found a unique way for Merlin to interact with people beyond the glass walls of the isolation hospital room Brandon had to stay in until the bone marrow engraftment took and his immune system began to recover. He would be lying if he didn’t admit he was going stir crazy. He adored his husband so much and he was in agony with how sick Brandon was but it was proving to be the hardest thing in the world stuck in a room with him and being unable to communicate with him at all. Merlin tried talking to him. He tried reading to him. He definitely tried bawling all over him in a sobbing snotty mess so many times he lost count. But other than the doctors and nurses, even though they were familiar faces, it was hard not being able to spend time with his family and friends.
There had been some FaceTiming. His parents checked in daily but Merlin didn’t always feel like talking. He chatted a bit to Jesse and Damien. He had a long talk with Jaxson, trying to reassure him it was okay to be feeling fucked up with fear that Brandon might die and he couldn’t get close to him to say goodbye if the time came. Merlin asked Tara about that, what might happen if Brandon lost the fight. She told him that the first thing they might notice is Brandon’s skin would feel cool and maybe begin to get a slight blueish tinge as his circulation slowed and his blood pressure would drop significantly. There could be organ failure.
It would be quick but they would have signs. As awful as it was to relay this to Jaxson, Tara promised him that if any of the signs came, they would allow people into the room to spend time with him at the end to be able to say goodbye. With cancer, life support could only do so much. It wouldn’t be able to keep him going long-term. If it looked like Brandon’s body was giving up on him, Merlin would have to make the call when to turn the life support off.
He had been struggling ever since that conversation, not even feeling like talking it out with anyone. Part of his daily routine now before he went to sit by the window to read or stare into space, he checked Brandon’s skin, making sure he still felt warm and nothing was turning blue. It already felt like he had been in there for weeks, when it was really only days. The clinical antiseptic smell no longer made him nauseous but the food on offer wasn’t helping his messed up stomach adjust to anything. It was like he was allergic to stress. All he could do was keep taking the stomach meds and soldiering on. He was tired of soldiering. Every day that went by where Brandon’s condition didn’t change, a little more of Merlin’s hope was being chipped away.
His cell phone rang while he was trying to watch Rocketman on his laptop but his brain wasn’t taking much of it in to enjoy the film. Olympia’s name showed up on his cell and he answered the call. “I guess I can’t keep avoiding your calls, huh?” Just as he said that, there was a knocking sound and he looked up, seeing Olympia standing outside the glass wall on her cell. He put his laptop aside and went over to her so they could still talk, even if there was a barrier of glass between them.
“You could, sweetness, but you know I’ve got to keep trying. You have too much of a baby face to rock the five o’clock shadow look. At least B doesn’t have to worry about beard rash on his butt right now.” Olympia gave Merlin a soft smile, holding her hand against the glass. “How’s he doing? Any change? No one out here will tell any of us any info. We only just learned that the bitch wrote us out in his Five Wishes orders.”
Merlin smirked tiredly and nodded, resting his hand up to hers. “Don’t take it personally. It wasn’t about withholding or keeping anyone out of the loop. He just doesn’t want everyone knowing all the private details, you know? He didn’t want anyone having access to information like incontinence or other things his body might do when he loses control of it. There’s no change. He just lies there… breathing in, breathing out. His chest is the only thing that moves. They change his bed, wash him, put clean gowns on him. His hair’s gone.”
Olympia’s gaze moved to Brandon in the bed but it was hard to see with the cage of machines all around him. He was barely recognisable. “I can’t blame him for any of that, honey. I really can’t. He’s always been private and guarded about his personal stuff. He would never let me close when he was sick prior to this cancer business. He said it wasn’t PR’s concern… and he was right. Speaking of, mister, you’ve left me with a mighty shitshow out here. I’m checkmated until you let me know how you want to play this. Was it intentional?”
Merlin rested his forehead against the glass and just gave Olympia a tired gaze. “You do know who I’m married to, right? What do you think?”
“That bitch.” Olympia smiled, shaking her head. “When did you concoct this little plan of attack? A bit of a head’s up would’ve helped. Not that I think that I could’ve tempered the response. Is this because he’s dying and he doesn’t want anyone to know until it happens?”
“No, it’s not that. We’re not going to know if he’s dying until it’s close to happening. If I knew for certain there was nothing more that could be done, I wouldn’t be keeping him hooked up to this awful shit. But he still might lose the fight. He didn’t wanna die in the closet. I’m sorry about the shitshow but he told me you’d be able to handle it.” Merlin rubbed the back of his neck. “I dunno what the response has been but Damo said something about the Cape Cod pic of us hugging being spread all over the place?”
Olympia nodded, taking a couple of papers out of her bag. It was a printout of some of the headlines that hit after Merlin’s Instagram post went viral. The fuzzy photo of Brandon hugging Merlin outside of a restaurant at Cape Cod had been blown up and zoomed in, obviously trying to prove it was Merlin. “Balance of speculation is about fifty-fifty. Some people think it was fake and you were hacked. Others think it’s legit. You have the little bubble of grey area in the middle where the shippers and LGBT+ community and allys are throwing their support behind him. There’s conspiracy theories like, maybe he’s already dead because he hasn’t been seen in public for so long, or that you really just had a crush on him and you’re scorned because he’s straight and turned you down. It’s fucking messed up shit, hon. You don’t need to see any of it. I just need you to tell me how to play it.”
Closing his eyes, Merlin tried to shift his focus back to what he and Brandon had talked about with all of this. “He wants you to leak a wedding photo, then make an official statement about him having complications with the transplant and that I was his marrow donor. Mostly, he wants to play it in a sense that having cancer made him realise he didn’t want to deny who he really was anymore and that was how he met. But not to put it all out there yet. Only if he makes it through. Keep it vague until then. As to my involvement, just swing it like I’m fucked up with worry - not a lie - and I accidentally posted it to my work Instagram account. I’m focused on taking care of Brandon for now and everything else will have to wait. Is Autumn okay? I was going to warn her but I didn’t really know how else to play any of it. Bran had just crashed and I didn’t know if he would survive any of it. I’m real sorry. I just wanted to help him. He doesn’t have many final wishes, that was just one of them.”
“Autumn’s fine, cutie. She’s a pro. She hasn’t made any sort of statement, she’s just waiting. Fans and the press are pushing her for details about Brandon’s condition but she staying tight-lipped about everything. The showrunners and network execs hit the roof initially, but they’ve realised it’s not B who broke his contract and they’re going to capitalise on the whole thing, I think. Anything but fully supporting him while he’s on death’s door is going to translate into some pretty sick homophobia. There’s a lot of speculation about his sexuality, of course. You know, gay, bi, pan, or any other notch on the spectrum. I didn’t know if you wanted me to set the record straight there or anything if you wanted to keep it vague.” Olympia knew Brandon was gay pretty much as soon as he accepted it himself. A lot of her job entailed ensuring he was intricately branded as a sex symbol, like the show wanted, and he put forward a straight front but never actually labelled himself as straight. He just never talked about his sexuality. It left a lot of room for speculation but it had been the best way to play it because if this time came when he did come out, he could honestly say he never denied being gay or straight.
“Um…” Merlin scrunched his face up, scratching his head. “No, don’t label him. Let him do that if he comes through this. Keep it vague. I don’t want too much out there. He’s not going to be the same person if he survives all this. For all we know, he might give up acting for good and disappear from the spotlight. He’s contemplated that sometimes on his bad days. I know the show has some contingency or whatever if he can’t film, he told me that much. Making his character disappear in some big mystery. I know he left me in the driver’s seat. I’ve known he would once he signed those orders. But actually making these decisions for him is really fucking hard. I feel like every call I make is wrong so I just wanna keep what I need to do to a minimum and right now, that’s just focusing on him.”
Olympia gave him a sad smile, tilting her head. “You didn’t expect any of this to happen, sweetie. You wanted to hope he would be okay and just pull through like a superhero. B’s got some brass balls on him. Always has. But he’s still human. We all know cancer can even eat away at the toughest brass balls. He wouldn’t have wanted any of us doing that for him, you know. No matter how much we loved him. He would’ve ended it before that. Which, just from some of the things he said to me, I think he was planning before you burst into his life in all your adorable shortass glory. He would’ve just swallowed a bunch of pills and ended it on his own terms. And just while I remember to ask, do you want me to use your married name or stage name in any press?”
Merlin looked over his shoulder at Brandon, nodding. “He’s told me that’s exactly what he would’ve done. He had a DNR for a lot longer, though. He signed that as soon as he got the leukemia diagnosis. He put going back to the doctor off so long, by the time they told him, it was aggressive. I think he felt like he signed his own death warrant then. He didn’t feel like he had a lot to live for. Acting was his life and I know he absolutely adores the show and all it did for him but without he, he didn’t feel his life had meaning because he wasn’t living authentically. Oh, fuck, you wanna throw the curly questions at me. Shit, um… yeah, use my married name. I’ll be changing it professionally when I return to work anyway. Don’t worry, my agent already went and secured my usernames on all the social media profiles before fan accounts swoop in. I’ve got nothing to hide and he never wanted me to either. He was just grateful I did. I’m so sorry I’ve left you with all the mess to clean up. This was the only way we could dodge contractual clauses and get him out without ending up in messy court battles that last for years. They weren’t budging. They would never give him a timeframe. They wouldn’t even let him come out as something like bi.”
“They weren’t, sweetie. I was in all those meetings with him. They didn’t want to sway from how he was marketed because it went hand-in-hand with Saxon’s persona. Not that sexuality ever even came into that. Saxon has always been sexually diverse and blurred gender lines. The amount of times he’s been undercover as a woman, and B nailed that every time. That’s why he won so many awards. He’s never just acted in one role, only played one character. He’s played every single different persona he’s been undercover as. I always thought it would be a PR goldmine if he came out but they would want to control the how and that’s why he always went along with keeping him in the closet. He didn’t want it to be on anyone else’s terms. But you, baby… you didn’t even have any terms. If there’s a nutshell of why he fell in love with you, that’s it,” Olympia said knowingly, smiling. “How are you feeling? You know he told us all to keep an eye on you, if you’re wondering why we keep hovering around like a bad smell.”
Merlin rested his arm against the glass so he could use it as a pillow. “That’s the part I don’t get. The part that seemed so cruel. His character can be fucking anything but Brandon in real life had to be straight? It pisses me off even more now, because I had to cause a shitstorm out there when I hate conflict. I shouldn’t be having to out my own husband, for fuck’s sake. It ain’t fair. But if he has to go, then he can go being himself and I’ll be right there loving him for it as he does. I’m feeling sore, tired, a little sick. I was diagnosed with some gut issues before all this happened. But it’s okay. Stress just stirs it up. Bran was worrying I had cancer so I had to get it seen to, so he had the peace of mind. Let’s just go with a universal ‘I feel like shit’. That covers all the--”
He was cut off by a high-pitched alarms sounding through the room and he almost literally crapped himself. No matter how much he had been warned that alarms would sound with any sudden change in Brandon’s condition, he hadn’t expected it to happen. Or for it to sound so fucking terrifying. He had no idea how Sasha survived seeing Justin go through this multiple times. Merlin wasn’t even keeping it together once. Everything he was just talking about with Olympia flew out of his head and he rushed over to Brandon, but he didn’t know what was wrong or what he could do to help. That was the worst part of all, especially when it seemed like Brandon was choking but maybe that meant he was dying. And if he was dying, Merlin wanted to be at his side. Only, as soon as the doctors and nurses started rushing in, Merlin had to be shoved out of the way so they could do their thing.
Whatever that was. The thing Brandon gave Merlin the power to choose between the yes or no. He chose the yes, because it was easier than facing up to just letting Brandon go without a final fight. He didn’t want to let him go at all but if this was his body finally giving up on him, maybe he no longer had any choice at all.
And it was horrible. He had no idea how long it went on for but it felt like hours. All he could do was stand in the corner of the room while they swarmed over Brandon. But he did notice no one was grabbing a defibrillator. That’s what he had been expecting, the attempted resuscitation that would inevitably fail and Brandon would just be… gone. At some point, he started to cry out of sheer panic and not knowing what was going on. Every worst case scenario possible whipped through his mind, until a soft hand came to rest on his arm and pulled him back to reality. “Beau. Is he... ?”
Beau shook his head, smiling gently. “No, buddy. He woke up. Okay?” He rubbed Merlin’s arm, trying to help him calm down. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Just take some deep breaths. I know that was scary to witness and you would’ve been thinking the worst. Just take a few moments to catch your breath.”
“I need to see him! I wanna see him!” Merlin tried to pull away, not at all managing to catch his breath despite Beau’s efforts to help him calm down.
Beau put his hand on Merlin’s shoulder. “Hey, hey. He’s not awake, buddy. He’s still not well enough to maintain consciousness just yet. But he woke and he’s started to breathe on his own so he’s no longer on life support. We need to monitor him closely and you might find he drifts in and out of consciousness but may not be responsive to you. He’s had some minor responses to pain but anything else, it’s a waiting game. Sit with him, hold his hand. Just be prepared to wait.”
Merlin wet his lips, nodding as his breath hitched with the tail-end of his tears. “He was… um, it looked like he was choking? Is he okay? Fuck, I thought he was dying. But, not yet.” He exhaled heavily, leaning over with the sheer weight of relief coming over him.
“He was choking on the ventilator tube. That’s not uncommon if a patient wakes suddenly and become aware of a tube down their throat. We got to him before he pulled it out but he was trying. He didn’t have enough strength in his grip or he might’ve cut himself and caused more big bleeds. Not at all pleasant for him but a good sign overall that his condition’s improving. But we don’t want to get your hopes up. Everything still stands with the transplant process. We still have to wait it out until we get signs the engraftment’s taking. Your job is to stay strong for him. Be there for him once he starts coming around a little more. He’s stable. You can relax a little.” Beau led Merlin over to Brandon’s bed and sat him down in the comfortable recliner chair.
Merlin sat forward in the chair and touched Brandon’s cheek. It was a relief to be able to see his face again now the ventilator tube was gone. There were marks left on his skin from the brace that held it in place and even if he now had an oxygen mask on, it was much less imposing than the life support mechanics. “Oh, fuck…” he sighed, resting his elbows on the bed to bury his face in his hands. At least, as well as he could with one in a cast. If he had any plans to try to sleep, they were gone out the window now. As long as there was a chance Brandon might wake again, he wanted to be there for him. He just didn’t know how much longer he could keep running on empty. Stress alone was sucking most of his depleted energy levels dry.
Beau wheeled one of the portable tables over to Merlin with a tray on it. It had a sandwich, some fruit, and can of Sprite for him. “You should try to eat something. The emotional rollercoaster is exhausting and you feel like you want to get off. Take the breathers when you can get them. We can’t be sure when he’ll come around again. It might be soon. It might not be for days. What I do know is he’ll want to hear you’ve been taking care of yourself. Or at least letting us take care of you. So, try to eat. You need to replenish what you lost preparing you for the bone marrow harvest. Are you okay sitting there or do you want a couple more pillows for under your hips. The pain will settle.”
Merlin took his hands from his face and looked tiredly at the tray with a resolute nod. “Yeah, okay, I’ll eat. Pillows might help, actually. I thought it’d all just be a bit of soreness but it’s more painful than I expected.” He sat forward so Beau could help him tuck a couple of pillows underneath him. He could be sitting there for a long time. He peeled back the wrapper on the sandwich. “How will he feel when he wakes up? I know you’ve been there, what he’s going through.”
“They’re dirty great big aspiration needles they use. It’s okay to feel miserable for awhile, you’ve been through the wringer.” Beau started to take another round of Brandon’s obs, making sure he was remaining stable. “Well, I had better odds because my marrow donor was a direction relation. Still, I was pretty sick directly in the wake of it after the conditioning phase. I didn’t even have radiation like he did either. They caught mine early, it didn’t spread anywhere else. I felt sick all the time and I think I slept a lot. It’s a bit foggy to me bow. I remember a lot of pain. The body’s systems have to work extremely hard until engraftment. Everything’s depleted. I had PEG feeds in my gut like he’s got too. I know I was a champ at the dry-heaves. Even once my guts ejected everything inside, the body still wanted to puke. I cried a lot. It was overwhelming and it’s really fucking tough when you’ve run out of fight but somehow still have to keep battling on. But I wasn’t alone. I had Austin there. Even if all that went to shit, I appreciate how much he loved me and cared for me at the time.”
Merlin paced himself with his sandwich, listening to Beau’s wisdom. He survived this twice, so he gave Merlin a hell of a lot of hope he might not have otherwise. Brandon’s odds were a lot slimmer but it wasn’t game over yet. “What happened with you guys? All I heard was he cheated on you and you asked Mark for a quickie divorce. Was there more to it?”
Beau shook his head. “No, not really, dude. You just tend to have a different perception of time if you survive cancer. You realise how short and fragile life is. I didn’t see a point prolonging the inevitable. Austin moved to LA and, yeah, he did cheat on me. I had a lot of issues in the bedroom department. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get it up. Viagra wasn’t even working. That’s not the only reason it all fell apart. It just didn’t help with the physical intimacy lacking. I struggled with depression after my second bout of cancer. When he cheated on me, I took it really bad. Cheating was always a deal breaker for me. But it felt like I brought it on myself not being able to have sex, and that went on for ages. I actually told him he should go find someone else to fulfill that side of things and I’d be okay with it but he told me he could never do that to me. I guess that’s why it hurt so much when he did it anyway.”
“That’s rough. I was waiting for Brandon to offer something like that to me. I think he might’ve been close but the Viagra really worked for him. We made love a lot during our honeymoon week, in case it was his last time left. But it wiped him out. Cancer’s fucking stressful. It fucks with every part of your life. I’m sorry it led to divorce for you. It’s sad but I know you’re happy with Zander now.” Just as Merlin said that, he was so sure he felt Brandon’s hand move in his. “Shit, if he moves, does that mean he’s waking up?!”
Beau came over to Merlin and sat down with him. “I’d be surprised, buddy. He’s on some strong meds. Listen, I know your nerves are shot and you don’t know what way is up. You’re going to be like a cat on a hot tin roof thinking every little change might mean he’s waking up. Which is okay, that’s understandable. You feel like you’re running out of time. But will you let me jab you with a shot of Valium to help you relax a little? It’ll take its toll, you won’t be able to keep it up for long. Remember, this isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. You have to pace yourself.”
Merlin sighed, shaking his head. “I hate when y’all doctors feel like you’re reading my mind. Then I realise it’s just because you know what you’re doing and what you’re talking about. It’s usually that I just don’t wanna hear the answers. That’s… nothing against you. I know you’re right. But what if I fall asleep and he wakes up? I can’t miss a bit of time with him if that’s all he might have.” He put the sandwich down on the tray, looking down at his lap. “I didn’t think he’d wake up. Every time one of y’all comes in here for whatever reason, I was waiting for you to give me the bad news.”
“If you fall asleep, we’ll wake you up if he wakes. You heard the alarms. We’re warned as soon as his condition changes. The Valium will just help calm you, help you cope a bit better. I’m not going to sedate you. Lachie and Tara will always be completely transparent with you. You’ll know warning signs that he’s deteriorating as soon as they do. Have you thought anymore about talking to a counsellor?” Beau watched Brandon for a few moments, knowing what his family went through when he was in this position. He had all the chances in the world but they were still terrified he wouldn’t make. Merlin’s fears were perfectly understandable. It wasn’t that he shouldn’t be scared. “I’m going to let you in on something. He asked me to keep an eye on you, make sure you holding up okay. He knew your family would but you’re in here and they’re out there. You’re family to me, regardless of blood. He knew you would be doing this to yourself if anything went wrong. Pushing too much. And he doesn’t even know you lost your shit so much, you punched a wall and ended up with pins in your wrist.”
Merlin managed a slight smirk, picking up the sandwich again. “Is that how you knew I’d eat ham and chicken in the same sandwich, and the only mayonnaise I like is Hellmans? I thought maybe Jess gave you the head’s up. I don’t even know if I have the strength to talk to a counsellor. It won’t change how I feel. The only person I feel like talking to his Brandon. I’m so scared I won’t have that chance again. I told him I was okay with this. That I could handle the worst. Turns out, I really can’t.”
“No one can when it comes to cancer, buddy. We want to. We want to take the high road and have the strength everyone talks about but you aren’t supposed to be strong when your other half might die. Fuck strong. Be as weak and fragile as you need to be. Fragile is so much harder than strong because it means confronting realities. Being strong is trying to ignore them. Merl, he knows you wouldn’t cope or know how to handle it. That was hard for him because he couldn’t make it better for you. He was worrying something might go wrong and he couldn’t be there for you. This is why you guys didn’t take traditional vows, isn’t it? He didn’t want to speak that line. I get it. I didn’t want to either when I got married. It felt like just too much of a jinx.” Beau patted Merlin’s knee, knowing what he needed more than anything right now was just someone who got how it felt.
“Yeah, that was one of the first things he asked when we decided to get married. It seems like such a small thing, but it’s not. You don’t wanna tempt fate. Neither of us are traditional, so we didn’t care about that side of things. I think for Bran, it just seemed like stating the fucking obvious, you know? Of course we’ll part of he dies. Why should that be immortalised in our wedding vows? But we had to deal with a lot of those sorts of things leading up to this. I asked him to dissolve the DNR. We worked on his Five Wishes together because he wanted me to be comfortable with everything, just like he was. He told me he doesn’t want me to feel like I can’t move on to fall in love again if he doesn’t make it. A whole bunch of stuff to do with his will and estates. He’s twenty-three years old and we had to sit down and talk about what was in his will. It’s just so fucked up, Beau. I think everything’s just compounding. I miss him and I know that sounds fucking crazy. I miss even just being able to hold him. Maybe I should have that Valium,” Merlin finally conceded quietly. He knew if Brandon was awake, it would make him feel better. He wasn’t at all surprised Brandon asked Merlin to keep an eye on him.
Beau nodded, giving Merlin a sympathetic smile. “It’ll do that. Everything compounding. Then you’ll get sick and be useless to him anyway. Just because you’re in isolation away from bugs and infections doesn’t mean your body won’t sabotage itself. I know it’s hurting, buddy. The lack of physical closeness and intimacy makes it hard, especially since you’ve probably had that with him from the moment you came back to New York and started dating him. But he’s still here. Just because he can’t put his arms around you doesn’t mean you can’t put yours around his. Especially now he’s breathing on his own again. You can sit close to him and hold him. I’m going to get you that shot, okay? Finish your sandwich. I want you to try to chill and just have some time to calm down. I think maybe twenty-four to forty-eight hours is the soonest possible time he’ll wake again. His system’s entirely depleted. He’s still got a fight on his hands and he needs you in his corner.”
Merlin nodded, giving Beau a faint tired smile. “Okay. Can you let Olympia know I’ll FaceTime her when I’m feeling a bit better. I’m too wiped out to make anymore significant choices. I think I gave her enough to work with but if not, just tell her to shoot me a text.”
Beau stood, patting Merlin’s back. “What about everyone else? Do you want them to know he woke up and he’s off assisted breathing? You don’t have to make any choices right now if you just want to have some time to breathe. You’ve already had an incredible burden on your shoulders. It’s okay to stop and breathe.”
Merlin rubbed his face and when he took his hand away again, he wrapped it around Brandon’s to hold. “Let my family know. And Jax. Everyone else, just hold off. I don’t wanna get hopes up if he might crash again. I just wanna wait until he’s awake and I can talk to him. I’ll see how he is in twenty-four hours and figure something out then. I know everyone cares and want updates, but there’s not a lot to say, you know?”
“I think that’s a good call. You need some rest. You should think about taking a quick shower too. It’ll help you relax and feel freshened up.” Beau leaned over and gave Merlin a hug. “I’ve got my pager, okay? You get them to contact me any time day or night if you want someone to vent to or just keep you company while he’s not awake. I don’t want you going stir crazy. Jess is like a brother to me, so you are too by default. I can answer any curly questions about leukemia too, no matter how private or embarrassing. Just promise me you’ll rest after I stab you in the ass with an injection. Eat. We can’t waste some good Hellmans. Chicken breast too, none of the brown bits you don’t like.”
Merlin snorted in amusement and gave Beau an obedient salute. “Scout’s honour. And I was a legit Boy Scout, so that actually means something. Beau?” He fought off another wave of emotion making him feel close to crying again. “Thanks. Not just for being like another brother but for promising Bran you’d take care of me. I know that would’ve made things just a bit easier for him.”
“Anytime, buddy. You take care of him.” Beau gave him a wink and headed out to get the medication, leaving Merlin alone with his thoughts.
LOG, COMPLETE