"Keep your head up, little brother. I can see you're hurting inside."

[musicsavesmysoul]

Who: Damien Larson, Jesse Hartley, and Merlin Larson
What: Big Brother Duties
Where: Eleven West Unit, Mount Sinai
When: Couple of days after this

Damien and Jesse both discovered that one thing worse than your little brother being sick and in hospital was waiting for your little brother to have surgery. No matter all the reassurances that Merlin was in the best hands and it was a straightforward procedure, Damien just hated the thought of it. Merlin wasn't good with anaesthetic and he had a really rough few days between when he became really ill and was rushed to the ER and the scheduled surgery to widen the stricture in his gut that caused the bowel blockage. There had been another brief endoscopic procedure a few days earlier, then the had to go through really crappy (no pun intended) prep for the second laparoscopic procedure.

What was worse for Damien was he had to be away from the hospital when it all first happened because Liam had been hit with norovirus, which turned out to be what Damien could only describe as gastro on crack. Even if it only lasted a few days, Liam had been so sick and contagious for the duration. Damien mostly dodged the bullet, though he had a couple of days where his guts were a bit dodgy but it was really mild in comparison. He didn't even throw up, but he couldn't be at the hospital while either of them still had symptoms because they'd still be contagious. Liam returned to work that day, and although he couldn't operate on Merlin being his brother-in-law, he was able to be in the operating theatre and observe the procedure, which was a huge relief for Brandon, Damien, and Jesse. Merlin said he didn't really care if the population of a small country was in the OR, he just desperately wanted his stomach to feel better and the pain to finally ease.

Brandon insisted Merlin be transferred to the super private luxury unit, Eleven West, to be cared for after his surgery and even paid for the private nursing care for him, at least for the first few days. They both really needed their privacy and it meant Brandon could both stay at the hospital with Merlin in the twin room, but also be able to come and go freely without fans spotting him and getting up in his face again.

After the first hour or so after Merlin was taken to surgery, Damien kept grilling Jesse about whether it was taking too long, did it mean something was wrong, what was a normal length of time for that sort of procedure, when would they know if anything went wrong, etc. etc. Luckily, Jesse had the patience of an army of saints and answered every question calmly and didn't care how many Damien wanted to ask. Soon, Liam had come to find them and told them Merlin was in Recovery and it all went well, save for a little bit of a bleed when something was accidentally nicked during the procedure but it was resolved quickly. Brandon was going to let them know when he was transferred to the room and wasn't feeling so rough after waking from the anaesthetic, and in the meantime, Liam explained to Damien what the surgeons did in a way he could understand. Jesse already got it, being a Nurse Practitioner himself.

Jesse arranged for Lorenzo to deliver some flowers to the hospital but when they both got to Merlin's room, they discovered Brandon had - of course - beaten them to the punch there and Merlin had a massive bouquet of what looked to be at least three dozen multicoloured roses with a Get Well balloon and large fluffy teddy bear. Still, Merlin did look pretty rough when they got there and so did Brandon, for that matter.

He came over to the bed, softly rubbing Merlin's knee through the blankets he was cocooned in. "Hey, you two. Too soon for a good fart joke? How you holding up, baby bro?"

Comments

[slowsouthernstyle]

Merlin looking like hell was a given. He had just come out of surgery. But it was Brandon's appearance that concerned Jesse. He hadn't been able to see Brandon prior to surgery because he had been finishing a shift on another floor. He had briefly dropped down to see Merlin while he was waiting in the anaesthetic bay before he went in. Merlin told him Brandon was stressed but was in good hands with Wes and Jaxson, who had headed home once they knew Merlin was out and doing okay. They were going to come back to visit Merlin in the morning after he'd had some rest. Jesse rounded to the other side of the bed and ruffled Merlin's hair softly. "How are you feeling, buddy?" he asked and then put his hand on Brandon's shoulder. "Are you feeling okay, Brandon? You look a lil' pale. Do you want me to come back home with you while you get what you need? Damo can take care of Merlin until you get back."

[magicmoments]

Merlin couldn't believe how emotionally numb he was now. Physically, emotionally, and mentally, he had been through the wringer in the last week or so. Prior to the surgery, he had was at the point where he was worn out and teary, which is why they asked Jesse to come see him in the anaesthetic bay before being taken into theatre. Jesse and Liam had spent the time with him there and Liam organised for him to be given an injection of something to calm him down. Usually, he liked to think he was pretty strong emotionally and could weather a lot but this past week, it crapped all over 'a lot'. He hit a wall and after they dose him up on more meds to stop him throwing up every time he tried to speak in Recovery, he was just... numb. At first, he was just asking for Brandon. Then when he came around a little more, it was Brandon and his brothers. Then finally, added his folks into the mix. He wasn't actually sure he could verbalise what he really needed or wanted but he knew he didn't want to be alone and just wanted the pain to stop.

Finally back in the hospital room, he was doing a little better than he was. Fuck know what all they had given him but the pain was controlled and he wasn't feeling so distressed and emotional. Brandon had been sitting with him holding his hand but they hadn't been talking. Once Merlin stopped being sick, he was just drifting in and out of sleep because it was difficult to keep his eyes open. Brandon told him not to fight it and just sleep if he needed to. Brandon was going to be staying with him the next few days while he recovered, thanks to his very privileged position of being able to pay for that luxury, but he wanted to go home to shower and change, grabbing some extra things for the stay for both of them. He refused to go until someone else could be with Merlin while he was gone, so Damien and Jesse were it. After sharing a kiss, Merlin told Brandon he would be okay and Brandon very unconvincingly told Jesse he was fine and could go on his own. He wasn't fine. Neither of them really were but yet again they were in this place of being armed for battle and it just felt so much harder this time around. For so many fucking reasons. He watched Brandon go and then looked at his big brothers, finding words difficult even then. That definitely wasn't like him. "I'm... I... I've gotta stop being such a bitch to him," he finally settled on. And then, "I need to see Clint."

[musicsavesmysoul]

Damien couldn't even stop himself with the way he looked from Merlin and quickly to Jesse, his eyes wide in what could only be described as a complete WTF look after what Merlin said. He didn't know if he was looking to Jess for confirmation that surgery or anaesthesia somehow messed with Merlin's head and he was talking crazy, or if he was looking to see if Jess found it just as nuts and random as he did. Was there some sudden concerning link between Brandon and Clint or were the two comments completely independent of each other? Or was Merlin somehow saying here that he needed Clint to investigate Brandon? Or something for Brandon? He wanted to offer something wise and big brotherly, in the way Jesse seemed to so easily manage regardless of the situation, but he wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. He could definitely have offered something for the first comment if it had been isolated. Yes, being a bitch to one's husband was never a nice thing but Merlin had been sick and in pain. Sometimes both those things could make you be a bitch. They were all guilty of it. Brandon even had been at times and Merlin just wore it, understandably. So, Damien knew Brandon would actually need Merlin to prevent it if he was feeling shitty. That was just married life sometimes. But for the life of him, he couldn't think of a single reason why one of the first things his little brother said straight out of surgery was that he needed to see Clint. "You need to see Clint 'cause you've been a bitch...?" Probably not the best question but it was all he had. He needed more to work with before he decided if he needed to run and get a doctor to check Merlin over urgently.

[slowsouthernstyle]

Jesse wasn't concerned this was a medical emergency. He had spoken in-depth to Liam about how Merlin went both in surgery and Recovery while they were trying to manage his inevitable post-operative vomiting, that had been a known issue for Merlin since he had his tonsils out when he was a child. It was common and Recovery staff knew how to manage it. Once Merlin's sickness was managed with counteractive medication, he was much more lucid. But anyone could be scattered after anaesthetic until their system cleared it completely. Merlin hadn't done well with the bowel prep for the surgery either so if he was a bit foggy until he had a good rest, it wouldn't be anything to be concerned about. Still, they were two very random subjects to be put out there together, so there had to be a reason for that. "You know it's okay to be a bitch when you've not been feeling good, buddy. He won't it against you, just like you never would him. Jace and I have been bitches to each other more than I can count when we're getting through rough patches." He fixed Merlin's blankets for him, making sure they were neat and tucked in so he stayed warm. Patients often felt chilly after surgery. "Why do you need to see Clint? Has something happened?"

[magicmoments]

"Everything has fucking happened." Merlin put his hand on Jesse's arm to get him to stop fussing with the covers. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate it but if there was one thing he knew better than anyone, it was that you could fuss when you felt helpless and usually, the sick person you were fussing over didn't need it. They just needed you to be there. Brandon had already been doing the fussing thing. He had folded and unfolded that same corner of blankets Jesse sorted about six times. He held his hands up at his brothers and then put them both over his face, grateful at least that he was still under the influence of enough strong medication to keep him calm. He had been feeling too crappy the last couple of days to do much thinking, so he wanted to try to at least get a couple of really overwhelming things dealt with before the epic strong surgical pain meds wore off and he had to feel that recovery pain they were warning him about. "Jeezus fucking hell. Brandon's sick again. The leukemia's back. That's not why I need to see Clint, I just need to tell you because I can't fucking cope with it on my own anymore. I couldn't say anything before 'cause every time I thought about it, I cried and then I cried, it made my stomach hurt even more. Do you know how fucking horrible it is to go through something so bad, you don't wanna be alone, but you're literally stuck in the bathroom so long, all you can do is sit in there trying not to cry because you feel terrible but it hurts too much to cry? So, I'm telling you now and I need no one to be precious about the fact I didn't tell them when I found out."

[musicsavesmysoul]

Damien sat down heavily in the chair he was grateful was right by him. He only realised once Merlin confirmed it that 1) he had really expected Brandon to be relapsing and had been really hoping it was just being extra-cautious, and 2) that was why Brandon looked so terrible too. "No one's gonna be precious, buddy. This ain't about anyone but you and Brandon. You don't have to tell anyone anything until you're ready. Fuck knows, you've both had a hell of a week of it. Jess said he was freaking out in the ER when you were so sick. I wish I could've been here when all the shit was going down. When did you find out? Was it before you got real sick?" He glanced at the door where Brandon had disappeared. "Is he... did they say how bad? I know it's all bad. I just mean, like... prognosis."

[slowsouthernstyle]

Jesse might be a calm and collected nurse and medical professional, as well as someone with an illness that could be debilitating at times, but took in a sharp breath, managing to stifle as a gasp when Merlin told them Brandon's test results had confirmed a relapse. Unlike Damien, he had known there was a distinct possibility of it, especially after seeing how badly Brandon's face had bruised from when he passed out in the bathroom and also that his arm had bruised when the fan had grabbed him in the ER to try to get a selfie from him. By the time Brandon was back with Merlin in the ER bay, his arm was mottled with a large black/blue patch that he had quickly pulled his sleeve down over so Merlin wouldn't see. He suspected other parts of Brandon were black and blue too, even just from every day knocks. Coupled with the fact Merlin had told him and Damien that Brandon had a GI bleed recently and the pallor of Brandon's complexion when he had actually been looking quite well and healthy in preceding months, the signs were difficult to ignore when you had medical training and had not only nursed patients with leukemia but one of your best friends was a survivor. That didn't mean it wasn't an awful blow to have it confirmed. "I'm so sorry, buddy. I really am. I know that doesn't help at all. Nothing we say will. It's not fair you have to be on that precipice all over again. When did Tara and Beau come to see you? Did they say what the next steps are or did they give you both some breathing space until your surgery was done?"

[magicmoments]

"They didn't. I mean, they did. I was asleep so they told Brandon. I know it's selfish but it really fucking upset me. I was still upset he got the other tests without me wanting to be there for him. And I know, Jess, you suggested it to him and he took your advice. I'm not pissed off now. These are just things I really need to be with him for. I've been feeling like he's not wanting me to be, like he's been trying to get back to being single bachelor celebrity he was before we met. He and I have been missing the mark with communication lately and it really damn hurts. Because I ain't been feeling good and with all the pain, I've been getting pissed at him, which isn't fair. Like, he's been in a state of panic for weeks now, trying to work shit out knowing he could be sick again. It's just a fucking mess. I just thought we'd always be on the same page. He wants things that are terrifying and freaking me out but it's his body and his choices. It's not for me to make him feel guilty about how he wants to play shit but that's what I've been doing. I hate fighting with him. Especially now, with everything." Merlin grabbed some tissues from the box the nurse had gotten for Brandon when she settled Merlin into his room. Brandon had gotten teary and emotional out of the blue but he told Merlin it was nothing to worry about, he was just relieved his surgery went smoothly and it was over. He wiped his eyes when he was getting teary now. "I dunno a prognosis. I dunno the next steps. Brandon asked them to wait to talk about it all with me when I'm feeling better and Beau's out sick anyway. They said it's okay to wait a few days for it, so I guess it's not terrible? Fuck, that sounds stupid. It's cancer. It's terrible! Why is everything terrible when it was all going so well?"

[musicsavesmysoul]

"He didn't want you there when he got the news?" Damien didn't want to be pissed at Brandon but he was definitely a little pissed hearing this, though he was sure there was nothing simple about any of it. None of them could know what it was like to be in Brandon's shoes but the closes person who could was Merlin, who had stood by him unconditionally from day one. Damien couldn't fathom getting news like that without Liam. But Brandon from what Jesse had filled him in on, Brandon had been trying to spare Merlin from a lot while he was ill. "I dunno, I think it sounds kinda fair you've been pissed. You're allowed to be if you've been feeling like he's pushing you away or not letting you be there for him. Like, I love him, Merl, but you're my baby bro and if how he's been acting is hurting you, I'm gonna tell you it's okay to be hurt. You've always been there for him and taken care of him. It ain't fair for him to change the goalpost now. If you've been a bitch to him, then maybe it's stuff he's needing to hear? Trust me, I know that one real well. I didn't always know I was being a dick with things until Liam told me and I knew to do better. Sometimes, that's what love means. This is fucking horrible for you both to go through again and it ain't the time to start missing the mark. That's when things can bottom out from under you and it can all go wrong. I've been there, I'm speaking from experience. I mean... any of that, it's not why you need to see Clint? Something to do with Brandon?"

[slowsouthernstyle]

"Brandon's world is bottoming out from under him again. We have to remember that he nearly died the first time around. When you come that close to death, when you've been through it all before and know what's coming, it's harder to be optimistic. It's hard to be optimistic when you're feeling ill as it is. From what I've seen of him symptomatically, I think he's feeling worse than he's letting on. We need to give him some leeway to try to breathe and keep going if he's accidentally being a dick. He spoke to me a lot when you we having your first procedure, buddy, and I think what you're both trying to weather here is him trying to squash all the plans he had thinking he had longer with remission into a small space of time. He wants to hold on to as much as he can, for as long as he can. Cancer robbed him of a lot of independence and agency over himself the first time, he really wants to retain some this time. I don't think he's pushing you away or leaving you out of anything. I just think everything is snowballing and he can't catch up with it all. Which I think is the same thing you're describing too, so you're still in it together. You just have to really work on regaining your footing and connection. It's not easy. Illness in a relationship never is. There's hurdles and challenges all the time. You told us about your fight. Do you want to talk to us about what else has happened between you since then? You don't have to. We're just here to make sure you're okay. It's going to be a good few days before you start to feel better, buddy. I wish I could tell you it was instantaneous but your insides need to heal and recalibrate." Jesse patted Merlin's shoulder to try to reassure him a little, then pulled up another chair beside Damien and sat down. "Is there something you need Clint's help with? Is it anything we can do for you?"

[magicmoments]

Merlin nodded, looking between his brothers. He was grateful they were here because it was helping prevent himself from ending up in another sobbing mess, which he knew would just cause him pain so soon after his gut surgery. He also knew he was blessed to have the big brothers he did and would never take that for granted. They both saw the world very differently, as did Merlin, so he could always count on them for support and just to listen, if that's all he needed. Jesse was always the placid, kind-hearted voice of reason and Damo was always the big-hearted, passionate creative that was always really protective because he had grown up protecting Merlin. It was funny that in a lot of ways, Brandon had qualities both Jesse and Damien had. It was understandable how Merlin connected with him so easily in the early days. Today, now, after everything, Merlin needed what both his brothers brought to the table. Fuck knows, he needed it all because everything really did feel like it was snowballing and he was terrified yet again he was going to lose his husband. This time, not just to possible death, but what if their marriage wasn't strong enough to withstand it all again? That was something he was scared to say out loud in case it happened. "That's what he's feeling. I know. We've talked, as best we can anyway. It's been fucking hard with me being sick or stuck in the bathroom so much, waiting out surgeries. Or, yeah, like Jess said, Bran's been trying to be like the Energizer Bunny on crack 'cause he told me he wants to keep working this time. He doesn't want cancer to make him lose himself again. Which I totally get. But I'm really scared about everything. What happened was he told me he got the tests and then the results without me and I dunno why that hurt so much but it just did. So, I got upset because it didn't feel fair that he was doing these massive things without me when we promised in our vows we were in it all together, sickness and in health, and we nearly fought again but I think it was mostly just because I was so wiped out and drained from my gut thing. I told him I needed some time to think and get my head around it, he misinterpreted that and offered to go home and give me space, which wasn't what I meant at all. So, I got upset and emotional again, which he thought meant I was pissed, and we nearly had another fight. Then he... he..."

He stopped, taking his glasses off and pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. "Fuck. Okay. Damo, do you remember when Aunt Caroline got us those AncestryDNA kits for Christmas that year? Before I won the audition and knew I was moving to New York. Well, I forgot to do it at the time and when I was packing, I shoved it in one of the boxes and forgot about it. I did it and sent it away once I got to New York and unpacked. Then I found out I was adopted and I think I vaguely remember the results coming to my email but I was so angry about the adoption thing, I never bothered to open them. I was too pissed with my whole family in general. Anyway, um... Bran goes home from the hospital after the endoscopy I had to get a bit of sleep because he hadn't had any in days. There's this dude waiting for him in the lobby. Well, waiting for me, really. But he obviously knew who Bran was from the media." He took the business card Brandon had given him from his phone case and handed it to Jesse, who was sitting closest to him. "It's some Irish dude. A doctor from Ireland. Lives in Ireland, even. I matched on his AncestryDNA results... as his biological son."

[musicsavesmysoul]

Damien was still trying to digest the information about Brandon and how things with Merlin had been tense, all things considered. Damien himself understood juggling relationships and trying to hold it together when illness was impacting on everything. He didn't mean to minimise what Brandon was going through but he knew Jesse was right, none of them could understand subjectively what Brandon was feeling or why he was missing the communication mark with Merlin. Hell, that was something Damien definitely couldn't judge on, considering Liam broke up with him twice because of his own issues with it. But his little brother was really upset, which was not only written all over him, you could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. Merlin was doing the best he could with what he had, which was very little because he had been so totalled by the abdo issues that hit out of the blue. It was okay he was upset. Damien was pretty sure Brandon would be just as upset. They just have to find their groove again after all this shit and arm-up for the next battle of their war against cancer. It was an awful mindfuck that it was now confirmed, Brandon was no longer in remission.

But then Merlin continued and when he finally revealed why he wanted to see Clint, Damien's mouth dropped open and all he could do was gape at Merlin, trying to process what he was saying. 'You already have a dad' was what was on the tip of his tongue but he held it back. That wouldn't help. It would dilute the struggles Merlin had with his own identity discovering he was adopted so how he would feel about this, only he could decide. If he wanted to talk to Clint, however, it seemed to indicate Merlin was thinking about meeting the guy. Damien had to worry about how his parents would feel about that - how their dad - would feel but they kept the secret of Merlin's adoption most of his life, they had both indicated they would support Merlin if he ever wanted to have anything to do with his biological mother (Jesse's mother) or find his biological father. Merlin had point-blanked refused to have anything to do with the woman who gave birth to him. This was a vastly different situation. "I--" That was all he could say. He had so many questions. He just didn't think it was the time to ask them, or trust himself to ask without fucking it up and upsetting Merlin even more.

[slowsouthernstyle]

As soon as Merlin was dropping this particular bombshell, it was obvious why he was so stressed and anxious, when he was supposed to be resting and trying to reduce his stress to aid his recovery. Jesse looked at the business card, taking in every detail on it. You couldn't really argue with DNA, and AncestryDNA was as accurate as it could be for the job it did. The guy was definitely Irish and had a medical practice in Ireland, not to mention extensive medical qualifications, if the post nominals were anything to go by. He was trying to figure out when the hell his mother - who gave birth to Merlin while she was 'overseas' as a missionary (he still didn't know if that was the complete truth as his mother had been revealed as a compulsive liar and serial adulterer) - was supposed to have been in Ireland when Merlin was conceived. He had already tried to closely analyse and assess the timeline when it came to light Merlin was his biological brother but at the time, when Jesse was around 6 years old, his mother travelled a lot for work and Jesse was left with his father and grandparents to care for him. She had been cheating on his father since at least Jesse himself was conceived because he had found out himself he wasn't his father's biological son. In fact, he was the son of a Massachusetts man, which turned out to be Autumn's father right before he had met her mother. All in all, his mother had caused a lot of destruction and mess in other people's lives with her cheating and sleeping around. Jesse no longer had anything to do with her or the man he believed his whole life to be his father because they were bible-bashing homophobes and he had disowned them when he got engaged to Jace and their response was to blame him for failing the horrific conversion therapy they put him through. Even if this was Merlin's life, it had a knock-on effect to Jesse and always would. It was inevitably stirring up a lot of his own emotions but he wouldn't burden Merlin with those while he was so upset and struggling. Once he found out Merlin was his biological brother and he was now co-big brother with Damien, he had vowed to do anything to take care of and protect Merlin. He and Damien made that promise to each other too. They grew up as best friends but they now considered each other brothers in every way but blood.

"Do you want Clint to investigate him or do you want me to reach out to him and have an open and honest conversation with him? I can do that for you if you need me to, buddy. I've been in your shoes with this stuff, remember? When I found out my real father was an unknown man I'd never met and had died before I had the chance to know him. There's nothing easy about this. I can't know exactly what you're feeling or thinking but you're mentally overloaded at the moment and you're unwell. You've had significant surgery and will need time to recuperate. You've had an awful shock with Brandon's relapse. Now might not be the best time to pursue this. But I know you and I know if it's something deep down in your heart you want, none of this other stuff will matter. You have to do what you feel you need to. I'm sure Clint could dig up the guy's entire life story and everything in between but is that really the best way to go? If you ultimately want a relationship with him, perhaps it's best to consider giving him the chance to tell you his story himself," he suggested and gave Damien the business card to see. "That's something I'll never not regret having with my biological dad."

[magicmoments]

Merlin looked between his brothers helplessly and didn't answer straight away. Sure, he might've just been through a surgery and had a couple of rounds of anaesthetic in recent days so his brain was foggy but he knew his brothers and he had anticipated how they both might receive what he just dumped on them. One of the benefits of now having two big brother was they could offer different perspectives and he could offload to both of them about anything. He knew it would be difficult for Damien because of their parents, particularly their dad. But they were the ones who chose to adopt him and they chose to adopt him from Jesse's mother knowing she had gotten pregnant from what she termed at the time as 'a one-time mistake' so she wouldn't be ostracised from the deeply religious community she was involved in. So, they knew there was an unknown father out there somewhere. But that was well and truly before DNA advancements and definitely well before it was cheaply accessible via services like AncestryDNA.

"I... I didn't think about it like that," he admitted quietly, twisting his wedding ring around and around his finger now he was allowed to have it back on after surgery. Brandon had worn it for him for safekeeping when he had to take it off. "I don't know what to do. I just... I got scared. I'm married to a huge celebrity and at first I thought this was just some asshole using me to try to access Brandon. Shit like that happens all the time. People did it to Sash when he started dating Justin. But I logged on to Ancestry and checked my results. A dude with that name is matched as my father and Brandon said the picture of him is the guy who met him. Bran said he wasn't up in his face about who he was at all, just that he respected it probably seemed stalkerish and that wasn't his intention. He said I kinda even look like him a bit. It's a legit thing but what if he's a fucking criminal or scammer or... or anything? Clint can find out, right? I know there's a lot to think about and shit's just fucking horrible right now but this is happening and I don't know what I'm supposed to about anything anymore." He grabbed his phone and brought his Ancestry profile up so they could see for themselves.

[musicsavesmysoul]

Damien hesitated before he took Merlin's phone. A lot. He wasn't prepared to see a guy who apparently looked like him because he was his biological dad. It was surreal because he had spent his life never thinking about that. There was no denying he looked like both his parents. He had curly hair like their mom, which was strawberry blonde because she was blonde and their dad was ginger. He also had his dad's blue eyes. Merlin, on the other hand, had dark hazel green eyes and chestnut colour hair, like Jesse, which they got off his mother. Damien and his dad were both tall, Merlin had always been a short-ass. If Brandon noticed similarity between Merlin and this random Irish dude, it was probably significant and seeing it would make all this very real. And as soon as he looked at the photo, then zoomed the photo in to see it better. "Jeezus. Mindfuck," he murmured, scratching the back of his head. "I don't think there's any one way you're supposed to feel like this, baby bro. You feel big things deeply, you always have. It makes sense you'd be feeling real overwhelmed when you're already in shock knowing Brandon's sick again, feeling like absolute shit being in here. Jess is right, though. I think you should give the guy a chance to tell you everything himself. If you need the buffer first, Jess is perfect for the job. He's been through a similar thing. Just think about the people we know who have stepped up for their kids when they discovered they had them, coming into their lives later. It's all pretty good odds. Guess there's always a way it could go to shit. But I know you. You ain't gonna be able to just keep getting on with life now you know this. Take the time for now to get through this and get home, take some time with Brandon to process the news and just feel what you need to feel. This guy will wait for you however long it takes if he's legit about having nothing but decent intentions looking for you. I mean, he's seriously hot. Looks like you got some damn good genes. You kinda have the same smile. Definitely a, uh... yeah mindfuck. It's okay not to have all the answers right up when things are a mindfuck."

[slowsouthernstyle]

"You should listen to your big brother because he's right. If you emotionally overload yourself anymore, buddy, you're not going to get better. You'll wreck yourself and still try to hold Brandon up as he starts treatment again. Sooner rather than later, it will all bottom out from under both of you. The reason you both survived it the first time was because you had each other's backs and knew you were both there to reach for any time things were hard. There was no doubt you were on the same page, you knew how to communicate. This time around, I think you're both terrified of the other having to face more pain. On the same token, if you make a massive decision like meeting your biological father when you're emotionally taxed, you won't be mentally all-in and you might ultimately make choices you'll regret when your head is clear. It all feels like so much now and you're so overwhelmed but the best piece of advice I can give you with this particular thing is to pause and work through it with Brandon. He's adopted too, remember? He is going to intrinsically understand what you're feeling and why you're feeling it. It could just as easily have been his biological father that found him in this way. Technology is an incredible thing but this is going to change you, no matter what you decide to do. Even if you don't want him in your life, you know who he is now. You can't undo information like that. It's natural and wise to want to go in more informed and if that's the way you want to play, it doesn't need to be via Clint investigating him. That's also something you can't undo and might be a unsteady foundation to kick off with it. If, after he tells his own story and you still have concerns, then Clint would happily help you, I have no doubts." Jesse had a look at the photo on Merlin's phone and he saw it as plain as day. Merlin had the same eyes, hair colour, complexion, very similar smile. "He looks like a nice guy, though. He's worked hard to get the qualifications he has. Trauma Medicine, Aviation Medicine, and Aeromedical Evacuation. He could be a pilot or possibly even military trained. What do your DNA results say about your ethnicity estimates?"

[magicmoments]

Merlin exhaled so heavily, he made himself cough with his throat still feeling a bit parched and scratchy from the anaesthetic. "I didn't even fucking look. Shit. I guess I was just thinking about seeing the match for myself. It was too much of a mindfuck, I ain't really been thinking straight. It's just been one shitty moment from the next lately and yeah, the timing of this couldn't be worse. Damo, I get it's a mindfuck and you're probably wondering why I'd even wanna do it. I've got Mom and Dad, I never even gave a thought to the fact I've obviously got a biological dad out there somewhere. If I do it, it ain't gonna be because I think my family's lacking or I'm missing something. I ain't. At all. Even if it was a lot to learn I was adopted and for a long time, it felt like I wasn't enough for you because I didn't share your blood. It's fucked, I know, but I couldn't stop the places my mind went when I realised y'all kept that secret from me my whole life. That was back then. There was a whole lotta shit I had to think and feel before I knew how to accept it. You know my head, it's in overdrive more often than not. There's something else too. The guy said his dad, uncle, and grandfather have got ulcerative colitis. Like, I guess it's hereditary? Think maybe I just... I dunno, panicked? It felt like maybe he Googled me or something and knew too much. But then Bran asked me if I'd put it out there to anyone that I had UC and I ain't. Family and friends, yeah. I Googled myself and UC and nothing came up, so it was just dumb. Fuck, I just feel like I'm losing my mind lately. Everything was settled, like. Now everything's gone to shit." He took his phone back and scrolled back to his DNA results. "Um, 32% Georgia and Florida Settlers. South Carolina and Atlanta, specifically. 17% England, Yorkshire. 51% Ireland. Down, Northern Ireland. I- I just... will you talk to him, Jess? You'll know if he's genuine."

[musicsavesmysoul]

Damien shook his head and put his hand on Merlin's shoulder. "This ain't about me, buddy. Sure, it's a mindfuck and one I wasn't expecting but this might be a really cool thing for you. You might find out at least half of your biology wasn't a lying cheat. We know your bio mom doesn't deserve having either of you in her life after all the shit she caused. This guy, it sounds like he didn't know there was a possibility of you? So, I doubt she told him she was preggo and he decided not to have anything to do with you, if he only found you on the DNA thing. It's like a clean slate you got with him, if he ain't a raging asshole. Which I hope he's not but Jess is right, this is a chance to at least give him the benefit of the doubt to tell you himself. You're legit half-Irish, dude. You always have been, you didn't just turn half-Irish when you learned about the guy. That's your genes, right there on that page. It's your blood. It's okay if you wanna know about that and know the guy who's fathered you. He obviously wants to know you. And, like, look at all the cool Irish folk we know. Pretty awesome heritage to have. You only gotta ask Justin how much it meant to him to meet his dad and have him in his life. Plus, look, he's got two moms now, too. Mom and Dad will know this ain't about you wanting to put them aside. They've known all along they didn't give you life, but someone did. All this, it's gonna be a shock for us all but that doesn't mean it's got to be bad, even if you're scared. 'Course you are." He gave Merlin a smile and then glanced at Jess briefly, hoping he was getting this big brother thing right with this. The last thing he wanted to do was isolate Merlin when it was one of those times he would need him the most.

[slowsouthernstyle]

Jesse gave Damien a small wink to let him know it was all fine, he had nothing to worry about. He knew Damien did have insecurities and doubts when it came to getting his big brothering right now. He hurt Merlin a lot when he went away to the UK and wasn't there for him when he needed him the most, when he found out he was adopted. Damien dropped the ball there and with Liam but he had more than made amends for his mistakes. Neither Merlin or Liam needed him to keep revisiting what was also a difficult time for Damien with his mental health. The mistakes he made were because he was struggling himself. Although Jesse knew he went about things in a lot more calmer and collected manner, it was because he had the vast nursing training he did. It wasn't because he was a better big brother or had better skills for any of this. There were a lot of different perspectives to what was a complex situation. He knew that's all Merlin was looking for here, so he didn't feel alone. There were no right or wrong answers. It was all valid, as were all feelings involved for everyone. "If that's the first step you think you want to take, buddy, I'd be happy to reach out to him and make a time for a chat. I think letting yourself think or feel whatever shit you need to, however long it takes for you to work through that, is okay and if Cillian is a reasonable guy, I'm sure he understands that's what you need. He knows you're in hospital and had surgery, and why. Do you know what else Brandon told him? Do you want me to sit on certain things you'd prefer me not to say? I'm just the messenger, okay? This is about you and Cillian to determine the parameters, and for you, that means with Brandon too. But I know you're probably scared about overloading him. Don't be. I can say without a shadow of a doubt this isn't something he would want you going alone, even if he's facing treatment again. Don't forget, one of the people who helped save his life is Irish. That's such a cool link to have. I wonder if he's from anywhere near where Tara grew up."

[magicmoments]

Merlin pressed his hands over his face with a soft moan. "It's about everybody because I can't do any of it on my own. I ain't ever been the sort to know how to do much of anything alone and I don't want to. It was never even a... thing to wanna find the guy who I guess I just always thought of as a sperm donor. Like, I never thought of your mom as my mom, Jess. Thank fuck. So, I don't even think I considered much that I had a biological father out there somewhere. I know that sounds dumb because it's obvious, I'm adopted. But I didn't. Because even though I was pissed off with everyone for a time when I found out, I didn't wanna replace my family or my folks. I know that's not what this is even about now. Now that it's a thing that I didn't even have to think about or make any choices to find, it's just, like, happening, I guess I'm curious about him. My genetics and all that. But then I feel guilty thinking about it. I don't wanna hurt anyone or anyone to think I'm looking to replace them. It's just so fucking much to think about and my brain feels like it ain't working right now." When he took his hands away again to look at Jesse when he brought Brandon up, nothing but sheer worry all over his face. "You're right. I know. And this is probably gonna sound stupid when I say it but I worry it's gonna make him feel even more conscious he ain't got a family of his own. I don't mean me or us. Family through our marriage and all that. His own family. I've got, like, parents and brothers all over the place. He's got no one, not even one person he can call on to be a more reliable donor match than I turned out to be. My bone marrow gave him GvHD. I wanted to do everything I could do make this time 'round easier for him but this ain't exactly gonna help anything, is it? I wanna wrap him up in cotton wool and get him to just sit still 'til he gets better again. If he can... But it ain't what he wants. It's the opposite of what he wants."

[musicsavesmysoul]

Damien put his hand on Merlin's shoulder, trying to offer any sort of comfort to try to get him to stop stressing. But trying to get Merlin to stop stressing once he started was probably more difficult than trying to land a jumbo jet on top of a caravan. And this was with him having medication to calm him down. He had a lot on his mind, though, and it was important he talked it out because that would help him sort the mess in his head. "Okay, well, your unreliable bone marrow still saved his life, buddy. You love him, you'll take care of him. That's all you need to do to make it easier for him. You having your bio dad show up out of the blue isn't gonna make cancer harder for him. Cancer does that all on its own. Plus? There's no way in damn hell is he gonna spite you knowing the guy if you wanna, just because his own biological family are unknown. It's ain't the Adoption Olympics. Family's way more than blood, dude. That's something all of us know more than anything. Bran's had other people come into his life that have become his family. You're overthinking and it's making you all tense and stressed out again. You're supposed to be trying to chill so you can feel better. Your brain ain't gonna work just yet, you've had anaesthetic and an operation. Give yourself a bit of a break. As for him working... maybe he's just gotta try and see how he goes? Just ask him to tell you if he ain't feeling great and promise he'll slow down if it happens."

[slowsouthernstyle]

"None of us can know exactly how you're feeling going through all this, buddy, but something I can offer some insight into is having to let the person I love give things a go, even if he might ultimately not be well enough to sustain it. It's really hard and of course you're going to worry that he's doing too much. But at the same time, that he wants to try to keep working is a pretty incredible thing. I think it's proof that he really is feeling up to it after having a period of time there where we weren't sure he would recover to go back to filming. This won't be what you want to hear, bud, but people can fight cancer on and off for many years and try their damnest to not let it control their life. So, it's important to think about a way to sustain the fight that you can both cope with. Brandon's not a sit still person. He struggled with every minute of it the first time around. It's understandably he wants to have a shot at pacing himself through it so he doesn't have to be knocked out of action entirely. Without a doubt, Tara would not clear him for work if she didn't think he would be okay. I think the biggest thing you can do for him to make this time around easier is support his choice and just be there for him if it doesn't work out. Keep communicating with him, though. If you're seeing signs he's not managing, tell him. Let him know you're right there with a hug if he has to make that tough call to stop work again." Jesse opened the bottle of water the nurse had left for Merlin and put the straw in it so he could sip it. His voice was scratchy and hoarse from the anaesthetic, which was getting worse the more he spoke. "Merlin, listen. You have nothing to feel guilty about wanting to meet your biological father or know more about that part of your heritage. That's your right and no one will be upset or hurt because of it. This isn't a matter of replacing anyone. It's just growing your family. We all know the blessing that can be."

[magicmoments]

Merlin was massaging his forehead while he listened to both his brothers. What he really didn't want was to end up with a migraine on top of everything else like he had last time he had anaesthetic. The doctors gave him a good dose of preventative medication to try to stop it but his head was still thick and hazy. Just out of surgery was proving a difficult time for a deep-and-meaningful soul-search but sometimes, it was better for him to talk things out rather than leave it all alone in his head. Having ADHD, leaving too much alone in his head could be a mistake. He had some sips of water and was quiet for a long time, not answering while their words swirled around in his head and he tried to think of each point they were making. He realised then how much he had been stressing about. At the time it was all going on, it just felt like one giant chaotic mess, so it was helping to breaking each part down and for Damien and Jesse to gently reassure him both that it was okay to want to meet his biological father and that he had to let Brandon decide the parameters of his renewed cancer battle. Both were making Merlin feel teary to think about but he didn't cry again. "I think I'm just really, really tired. Not even in a way sleep will help. Things were just getting better. He was feeling better and we were figuring out a non-cancer normal. Then fucking boom. Everything's pulled out from under us again. And I know he doesn't wanna think about it... or can't think about it, more likely, but... I'm so fucking scared he's gonna die this time. None of that is this Cillian guy's fault. He's just, I think, trying to let me know he gives a shit once he found out I existed and that does mean something. I ain't figured out what yet but it does. I can't just not meet him. He's my biological father. But I'm just... so damn tired."

[musicsavesmysoul]

"Are you getting a headache, buddy? Do you want Jess to see if you can have anything else for pain? You've been through a lot, you don't need a migraine on top of everything else." Merlin had been getting migraines for as long as Damien could remember. They thought it was related on some level to his ADHD. He wished he could go back to a simpler time where Merlin didn't have complicated health challenges. Only, he was aware that these things Merlin had been diagnosed with, he likely suffered with for a long time before the tests and diagnosis came. It wasn't that their doctor back home was crap or their parents didn't take them when they needed to go. It was just that once Merlin was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, it was used as an excuse for a lot of things that maybe he could've needed further investigation into. The gastroenterologist said he had no doubt Merlin had symptoms, albeit mild, of ulcerative colitis for years. It was only once he had gone through super amounts of stress with finding out he was adopted and then with Brandon that the symptoms were too difficult to just keep ignoring or passing off as stress stomach pain. "Can you talk to Tara or Beau about these worries about B dying, dude? Even if you don't wanna talk to B and upset him that you're scared about it. You were conscious when he was at his worst last time, he wasn't. You're gonna be scared he'll die. That's cancer. It's fucking awful and scary. How does it make you feel when you think about Cillian giving a shit about you? Sounds like he's cool waiting as long as you need. If you need to rest and recover some more first, I think he'll be okay about it. Jess can help him understand it ain't 'cause you don't care in return. Maybe things are at a point now where you and B just need to take like in general a bit slower."

[slowsouthernstyle]

Jesse waited before he said anything because he knew what he was about to say was pretty heavy. "Merlin, buddy... you didn't really have a non-cancer normal. I know it's really hard to think of like that but I also know you don't want to blindside yourself. Remission just means no signs of cancer but he was still very much in a danger zone. It's going to be harder this time because you know what's coming and of course that's extremely fucking exhausting because even if you were just finding a new normal, neither of you had fully recovered. Not that I can talk because I can be just as guilty of this, but you both take such good care of each other but are really crap at self-care. You really need to try to get a bit better with it, though, or the exhaustion will set in." He softly patted Merlin's shoulder, wishing there was more he could do to reassure him but keeping it real was how both Merlin and Brandon asked to tackle this, as much as they could. Sometimes, it was okay to have days where you wanted to bury your head in the sand and wish it would all go away. Everyone had them. "Whatever Brandon is feeling and how's trying to figure out how to face this for the second time, I don't think he would ever want you to not tell him if you're scared. That's something you'll both be terrified of. It's what makes all this so hard. It's okay to talk about it. You're not going to jinx anything. You guys both worry so much about burdening each other and try to spare their pain if you can but in amongst all that, neither of you want to go it alone. That's why you got married. Damo's right. It's fucking awful and scary, but it's the same together or apart. May as well do it together, huh? But definitely slower. I'm not saying going slow on Brandon's treatment, but for everything else, going slow is vital or you'll both be too overwhelmed and look what happens when that happens. You both lose your footing together. That's all the fight was, forgetting to talk to each other. Really talk to each other."

[magicmoments]

Merlin didn't know why Jesse's gentle and simple observation hit him so hard. It was like a metaphorical slap in the face, a reality check that was hard to hear but he knew he needed to hear it. He didn't even really know what to say at first because he had to take time with it so it could really sink in, even more so having just been under an anaesthetic. "Maybe I should ask him if we could go away for a bit of a break together, maybe at the Cape Cod house or Justin and Sash's Vermont lake house. They said any of us could use it whenever we want. I just feel like there's this... this... huge gaping canyon between us at the moment. Like, emotionally. We're not really having problems, we're just missing the mark with communicating what we need, I guess. I think back to the first time, the road trip. We had to talk so much then because we were getting to know each other. He was such a wall when it came to sharing shit, so we had to learn to take care of each other and work through things. I know just about all the misfires are because he wants to protect me and that's a huge thing, that sorta love. It's not something I ever thought I'd find. But I'm doing the same thing, trying to protect him. It really, really does not fucking work. Most of the time, it makes things worse. But I miss how close we were on that road trip. Everything we conquered together on it. Before he starts his treatment, maybe we should try to replicate that somehow? Just confront it, talk it all out, away from everything. He said he usually gets away to learn his scripts for shooting anyway. That's why he bought the Cape Cod place. He'd go away there by himself and just mad cram his lines. Maybe we could kill two birds with one stone?" He sighed and looked between his big brothers. "I wanna hold him and tell him it's all gonna be okay. But I can't, 'cause we don't know that. I know what happened to Beau when he relapsed. He nearly died. That's why I'm terrified. It's he same type of cancer. Beau survived because he had a full marrow match from his brothers."