dreamlikenewyork | "But you live to live on one more day, 'cause you're a survivor."

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"But you live to live on one more day, 'cause you're a survivor."

Who: Merlin Blake and Brandon Blake
What: First steps to restart life
Where: Finally HOME
When: Few days after Brandon's officially discharged from hospital (backdated to pre-COVID breakout issues)

Merlin was nervous as fuck. Brandon had only been out of hospital for a few days and other than briefly attending Justin's concert so they could be there for Damien and Liam's wedding, Brandon had mostly been sleeping. He was let out on strict doctor's order of bed rest, daily home visit check-ups by various doctors, and an on-call nurse if he needed any extra care Merlin couldn't handle him. It was important to remember that Brandon wasn't being discharged because he was better yet, but because he was allowed out of hospital isolation and Tara and Lachlan both thought it would be safe and better for his emotional and mental wellbeing to go home.

But pretty much as soon as the greenlight for discharge came, the TV show execs wanted to have an important meeting with Brandon to discuss his role going forward. Brandon was so convinced they were going to give him the flick and either cancel the show or replace him with a new lead actor. He was still recovering and having treatment for his body to recuperate after everything. He was also still super immunosuppressed, so when the important looking people arrived at their home to meet with Brandon, they all had to wear face masks.

Merlin made himself scarce, more than aware they might want to try to drag his ass to court for 'outing' Brandon publicly when he was contracted to keep his sexuality hush. Merlin wasn't even the actor on the show and he gave himself an upset stomach worrying that what he did ultimately might have ruined Brandon's career, even if it was what Brandon said he wanted if his life was on the line. In hindsight, it was stressful as hell. Wes wasn't even there to distract him, he was staying at Noah's for a few days so Merlin was huddled on a beanbag in the corner of the living room, continuously peering over the top of a book he wasn't reading at the door to the study at the other end of the room. He had already cleaned the kitchen and bathroom with high strength disinfectant... twice. He had been to the bathroom four times since Brandon went into his meeting. How was he freaking out more than Brandon?

Then the door opened and Merlin scrambled out of the beanbag, standing by the sofa and hugging the book to his chest. It was only when Brandon baulked for just a moment when he saw Merlin that Merlin's eyes shot down to the book in his arms and he realised he was clutching The joy of Gay Sex, of all the fucking books he could've grabbed off the shelf as a decoy, it had to be a glaring reminder of the fact he outed his husband who had been contracted a beard to hide his sexuality for the sake of his career. Talk about epic husband fail.

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Brandon wasn't feeling so hot but short of finally succumbing to death, he wasn't going to miss this meeting. The Wicked Symphony showrunners had been insistent that they needed to meet with him as soon as he was feeling up to it. They reached out to him a couple of weeks ago and he hadn't been able to get it off his mind since. He was convinced this was it, the death knell of his acting career, that the showrunners were fed up with his absence and wanted to replace him with an actor with less issues they had to deal with. A lead with life-threatening cancer and a unplanned 'outing' against their wishes had to have pissed them off. But Brandon stopped caring about that not long after he realised he almost did lose his life. His perspective on life had shifted dramatically and work was no longer his priority. Surviving and his husband were. A husband he didn't want to hide, so he was prepared to tell all of them to go fuck themselves. It wasn't that he didn't like them. He did and he had always gotten along with them. They gave him a lot of creative input into his character and the show, a show that had made him a multi-millionaire in a short space of time. But he had come to this point in his life where he no longer wanted to hide who he really was. He had accidentally found the love of his life and he didn't want that in the shadows. If it lost him his job, so be it.

As soon as Brandon saw the book, he was glad he was wearing a face mask because he was trying not to laugh. Merlin looked like he had just been sprung masturbating by his parents and maybe it wasn't that far off. "Miriam, Bronwyn, Jake, Andre... I'd like you to meet Merlin, my husband. I'd love to invite you to stay and have coffee, but I really do need to lie down."

Clearing his thoat, Merlin stuffed the book down the side of the sofa and stepped forward to awkwardly shake each of their hands. "It's lovely to meet y'all." He hesitated, wondering if he should apologise for The Great Insta-Outing of 2019. He didn't even know if he should mention it. Brandon didn't give any indication if he was going to discuss any of that in his meeting but he had insisted he was going to hold his ground and if they couldn't budge on the terms of his employment contract, he was going to pull the plug himself. He stepped forward and wrapped his arm around Brandon's waist. "Sorry, excuse me for a moment. Are you okay, darlin'? You can't be overdoing it. We should get you back to bed."

Brandon cleared his throat, subtly watching his bosses for their reaction to finally meeting Merlin. Merlin's cheeks had an adorable embarrassed flush to them and he knew this would also be a significant moment for the showrunners. They, like basically anyone who knew Brandon, probably never thought they would see him married, let alone to a man. They all knew Brandon was gay. In the tight circles that was behind the scenes of their successful TV show, all networks had secrets. Brandon had been hiding in plain sight, was probably the best way to describe it. He said he would be discreet and for the most part, he was. It was only when he got sick and his mortality was suddenly so raw and terrifying that he stopped giving a fuck. Today was significant for another massive reason, though. He knew it as soon as he walked into his study (albeit with Merlin's help because he tired so easily these days) and all his bosses paled significantly seeing how sick he looked. For all they knew that he had cancer and had undergone one of the most gruelling medical regimes out there, they hadn't expected him to look this sick. It shocked them and it was the first time he really saw any of them vulnerable like that. It put them on a more even playing field but Brandon had still been prepared for the worst. "Thanks, babe. Do you mind seeing them out? I need to sit down."

He stiffly lowered himself onto the spot at the end of the sofa, breathing through a undercurrent of nausea that came with the dizziness of being upright for too long. He waited while Merlin saw the execs to the door, thanking them for coming out of their way to see Brandon in his home, apologising for not being able to chat more with them. All the polite things he was supposed to say. Brandon took the chance to try to gather all his thoughts, rubbing his forehead slowly.

Merlin came back to the living room, watching Brandon hesitantly, trying to spot any clues that his entire precious and fragile life had just gone down the toilet. Would there have been pleasantries and introduction to The Powers That Be if they just fired him? Fuck, it would be a huge kick in the nuts if they were going to kill Brandon's character off from the show or something. At his most ill, trying to just survive each day as it came, Brandon had said he didn't care about the show many times. But Merlin knew he did. It was just easier for him to compartmentalise it away from his cancer battle. He crouched down in front of Brandon, taking his hand. "What did they say? Was it what you thought, they pulled the plug because I outed you? Do I need to give Mark a call because they're about to sue my ass to hell and back?" He had been freaking out about that since Brandon turned the corner and started to feel a little better. Before that, he really didn't give a fuck if they tried to sue him or not when he was face with the distinct chance his husband might die. He gently pulled Brandon's mask away from his face so he could see him better. "Are... you okay? Was it awful?"

Brandon puffed his cheeks out and exhaled heavily, his chemo brain still trying to catch up with everything that just happened. He knew Merlin had been stressing about repurcussions of the outing, even if he had been following Brandon's wishes. It's what Brandon wanted and he didn't regret any of it, but no one beyond their own private circle of family or friends knew it wasn't an accident. It was a terrible call Merlin had to make when Brandon was on death's door because Brandon hadn't wanted to die in the closet. But he'd pulled through and the fact Merlin's stomach was playing up was the biggest sign that he had been stressing about this meeting more than Brandon had. Brandon was a headstrong and fiery guy when he needed to be, he had been prepared for a showdown but he could never have seen the ultimate outcome coming. "They signed me on for three more seasons, what they've just been renewed for, and upped my salary to $470,000 per episode. They want to write in an arc where Saxon goes missing, presumed dead, in an explosion at one of his concerts and he'll be gone for as long as I need to recover until I'm able to return. They'll focus on his sidekick, Nero, trying to track cases without Saxon, not have Scarlette succeed Saxon's position like Ruby wanted. Then when I go back, they want to write in Saxon coming out... as pansexual and run a PR campaign simultaneous to my own coming out story when I come out officially myself. They said hearing I have cancer really made them reassess and take stock of their own attitudes to diversity and representation in the show. They care about the show and its messages and want to grow, no revert. It hit them when the realised I got married without anyone knowing. Alistair filled them in on a lot when they were negotiating with him to even get a meeting with me. You're the reason they want contribute to putting pan more on the map in pop culture. Mindfuck. Seriously..."

Edited 2020-04-11 14:46 (UTC)

By the time Brandon finished relaying the outcomes of his meeting, Merlin's mouth was hanging open. He had some experience with entertainment negotiation but it was isolated to his contract with Caden's company for Footloose and even then, he won it as part of a talent competition so the only negotation that needed to happen was making sure he had somewhere to live in New York. This was all too complex for him and he was shocked at the complete flip the showrunners had clearly taken. "I-I-- uhhmm... well, shit. Sorry, don't get me wrong here or anything. It's not that I'm not happy for you. It's just that..." Shit, he wasn't sure he could find the right words. He pushed himself up to sit on the sofa next to Brandon, taking his hand to hold. Apparently his head was still trying to overthink everything and his heart was still trying to overprotect Brandon after facing nearly losing him for so long.

"You're worried if it's all too much for me or if it's too soon to be thinking about going back to work. It's okay, baby. All this shit is on my mind too. I haven't signed anything yet, they just said the contracts are ready to go. Writing's starting for the next season soon, it's why they needed to see me sooner rather than later. Talk to me, okay? This isn't only about me anymore. Anything I do impacts on you too. I really do think I need to lie down, though. Can we talk in bed? I actually managed to keep breakfast down this morning. I don't want to ruin that winning streak." Brandon stretched and rubbed his eyes, shifting in the spot because his muscles were aching again. "I don't even really know if I'm going to have what it takes to do the show anymore. It's nice they're acknowledging that I'm queer and want to up representation but I'm so freaking tired. I can't even take a shit without needing a three hour nap after."

"Yeah, I'm worried about all of that. You're not outta the woods yet and you're still dealing with GvHD that knocks you on your ass. You're meant to be on bed rest and Tara's not going to put a time limit on that until your blood works looks a little more healthy. You sleep a lot because you need it. You're outta hospital but you're still a sick person who nearly died in there. Do they even understand the enormity of all that or did you not wanna highlight that?" Merlin carefully helped Brandon up and waited until he was steady on his feet before they started to make their way over to the elevator that was installed while Brandon was in hospital. He wasn't strong enough for stairs yet. "I know you wanna start trying to find sort of sense of normal but you should be thinking about resting and recovering right now. Not commercialising your coming out and setting it on a timeline to match a fictional character's coming out. You're not Saxon. I'm worried because I know you. You push yourself and that could be literally dangerous to your life right now. I'm stressing and I'm scared, okay? I dunno how to stop being so scared. I don't want them objectifying you or using you as a porn. You just survived cancer, for fuck's sake. What did you tell them about how sick you've been?"

Brandon concentrated on getting one foot in front of the other. He would glad when the muscle and joint aches and pains pissed the fuck off a little. "All of it, sweetheart. I told them all of it. The ball's in my court. Let me elaborate a bit more. They're not trying to commercialise it. Saxon will be coming out way down the track to when I do. I'll be doing that as soon as I can because it's pretty much out there already, they're just waiting for me to make an official statement. They just meant they want to use it as inspiration for moulding Saxon finally labelling his sexuality and taking that step into LGBTQIA rep in a main character. But I'm going to walk away from everything if we decide together it's not the life we want. I know we got married because we thought I could die and now that I'm making it through the worst, little by little, we're still married. You're the most important thing in my life and if I get to keep mine, I want any decision about it to be for both of us. You don't have to stress as much, sweetheart. I'm getting there. Just ignore how I currently am. I'll be better if I can lie down for a bit," he insisted, closely scrutinising Merlin, trying to make sure he was okay. He gave him a soft kiss. "My heart's still beating, baby."

Merlin gave Brandon a sheepish smile, tugging his lips to the side. He rubbed his back. "I know, darlin'. I still check that every time you're sleeping. Okay, okay... let's pause a minute. I didn't mean to make you think I wasn't happy about any of this. I am. Like, holy fuck, this is some incredible three-sixty for them and the fact they wanna support you being out and you ain't gonna hear me complaining about main character pan rep anywhere. Wait. Does that mean I've gottan watch you sexing up other dudes on TV?" He waived his hand and laughed. "Kidding, kidding. That'll be hot. Bring it on! I just don't want them forcing your hand on anything until you're ready. Even then, I want you to wait a little more until you're sure you're ready. Carrying the weight of your own coming out and talking about battling cancer is going to be huge enough as it is. Do they know that even if you return and start filming again, there's still gonna have to be limitations? Do they know that any sort of cancer remission is like needing to re-learn how to live again? That you ain't the same person as you was when you told them you had to take leave while you were having chemo? I just want your needs prioritised over their wants for the show and PR. I'm here for you whatever you decide. I know how much your career and the show mean to you. I know how moved you must be that they wanna make Saxon queer."

"I'm ready to be out on my terms but I want to wait until I'm feeling a bit better. I don't want anyone thinking it was only because I thought I was going to die. That was just the loophole and lifeline you found me to be out without getting myself sued on my deathbed. And I can see the way you're looking at me, babe. They admit they made errors of judgement trying to keep me marketed as straight. When my team sat them down and told them how seriously sick I really was, it was a wake up call for them. Then when you outed us on Instagram, they had to confront the fact a majority of my fanbase and the show's fanbase were celebrating that I was out but they got epic backlash for keeping me closeted while I was fighting cancer, though. Not at all the type of publicity any TV execs want. But it wasn't about that. Faced with cancer, it makes you take stock of a lot of things. They said the fanbase is in shock. Everything needs to change and I know they're geniune. Because I told them to go fuck themselves if they weren't. Did I mention I was in pain and need a top-up on my meds?" Brandon had only been home from hospital a few days and already he was wondering what the hell he was thinking buying such a big place. It felt like a fucking airport moving around it. No wonder Tara and Lachlan firmly insisted on bed rest.

"That's because you're supposed to be on bed rest, darlin'. I get why you needed to take this meeting, though. They would have to be fucking robots not to have been impacted by the fact you nearly died. I talked with Alistair and Olympia while you were on life support. They wanted me to make the call on how they should alert your bosses to the fact there was a huge change you were at the end. After almost losing my lunch all over Olympia's shoes, I had to sit down and try to figure out how you would want your Manager and PR guru to lay the cards on the table." Merlin coaxed Brandon to let him take his weight while they rode the elevator up to their bedroom, loosening the ties on Brandon's hoodie around his face a little. Instead of a beanine, he opted for the hoodie over a bandana, extremely self-conscious about his hair loss for this meeting.

He caress his fingers over Brandon's jawline. "I had no fucking idea. I didn't know the relationship you had with your showrunners. I kinda assumed they were all cunts wanting you locked in the closet and I was so angry. I was angry at everything, not just them. So, I told Alistair to tell them everything. All of it. The bad, the ugly, and the agony. I wanted them to feel that pain. That the person who leads their multimillion dollar internationally-successful show was dying. Dying with the world not knowing who he really was. All I wanna know is that their care is genuine and not just because they see dollar signs in a queer lead now they saw how the world opened their arms to you in support both with your coming out and your cancer."

Brandon was smiling as he listened and then he nodded slowly. "They told me. Actually, I think Bronwyn's still in shock. She said she didn't expect someone so short to be such a guard dog." He took Merlin's hand and hugged it to his chest. "Babe, that's the exact reason I wanted you to be in control of my affairs if I couldn't be. To that point, save for Norm and Jean, I had a monetary value on my head for everyone in my life. Even Alistair and Olympia. I love them dearly and they know all my dark and dirty little secrets but they're still my employees. I didn't even have Jaxon. We'd been estranged so long and hadn't had enough time to rectify that. He didn't know me well enough to know what my wishes were. But you were my husband and you're the only one whose hands I wanted my life in, especially when I was on death's door. Even if you told my bosses nothing, I would've trusted your decision and why you made it. But what you did say to them was a wake-up call for them. They told me that. They absolutely didn't think until you bitched them out that my cancer was life-threatening. They didn't know how sick I was or how sick the treatment was making me. They were planning on me to get treatment and then bounce back after a few months when I returned from sick leave. And I think in a lot of ways, I was deluding myself in the same way. I figured it would either be that or I'd be dead. I was too chicken shit to think about any of the grey area in between. They are protecting an asset, there's no doubt about that. But they're not taking advantage of me. They also offered me severence if I wanted it."

"You ain't pissed that I didn't tell you? I ain't really thought much about your work. Other than that. Nothing else mattered when we didn't even known if you'd make it to each next morning. That was when none of your doctors could tell me what your chances were, or even if you woke up, whether you might have long-term issues. I mean, we still don't even know that. Do they? Did you tell them that? I just wanna know they're gonna take care of you and respect what you're going through." Brandon was woozy and a little breathless when they got out of the elevator in the hall leading to their bedroom, so Merlin made sure to watch him with each step. Brandon had been feeling faint whenever he stood long enough. The last thing he needed was to fall and crack his head open. "You don't want severence. I know that. You just want life to get back to somewhere like normal. That just ain't easy because we've not had normal for the entirety of our relationship. I dunno how our life or marriage is supposed to look right. You ain't overwhelmed trying to figure it all out so soon? I think I'm getting a first-hand glimpse of this workaholic everyone says you were before you got sick. You need the bathroom or anything before we get you back to bed?"

Brandon nodded towards the bathroom. "Let's do it. Saves me needing to get up once I'm comfortable. At least, that's the theory. We all know my body doesn't fucking do what it's told, but touch wood anyway. Hang on, I need to rest a minute." He stopped walking, leaning into Merlin and letting out a slow breath when his stomach started to join the wooziness. He'd overdone it. "I realise the fact I look and feel like I'm about to puke or pass out isn't doing my cause for returning to work any good. Does it help knowing they're writing me out for at least a season? Yeah, I'm overwhelmed. I guess I'm just trying to do what I can to hang on to hope? That cancer hasn't entirely ruined my life. They said I've got, like, practically a room full of fan mail at their HQ with get well stuff. I just... lost myself to cancer, if that makes sense. I want to get some of that back. You're the only thing that's been keeping me feeling sane through all this. I know if I wasn't sick, you and I wouldn't even have met again."

"I fell in love with you looking like you're going to puke or pass out, darlin'. I've learned by now to differentiate and categorise the many ways those looks can manifest. Don't worry, you ain't sabotaging your own cause. I'm going to objectify how much weight you've lost, though." Merlin took Brandon's arm and looped it around his shoulder so he could lift him up and carry him to bed, carefully laying him down on top of the covers. He went through to the bathroom and brought back a cool cloth, sitting beside Brandon and pressing it to his forehead. "Just rest a lil' while. I'll help you to the bathroom when the nausea passes a bit. Or we've got the back-up aids, remember. I know you're not a fan but Tara insisted on all this stuff for a reason. You need to go for it, my love. The hurdles don't matter. We've come this far. It's gonna take time but I know you'll do it. You should take whatever they're offering as long as they respect it's gonna take time and you're gonna have limitations. You might not get back to the fitness or health you used to be. Did you talk to them about that? I've got your back, darlin'. I'm just overprotective because I nearly lost you."

Brandon scrunched his face up and rubbed his forehead, sighing. "You know I'm going to resist those aids as much as I fucking can. I'm done feeling like an invalid. I did it for weeks in hospital, nurses seeing my frank and beans, wiping my ass, standing in the bathroom while I take a shit in case I pass out on the can, needing fucking bedpans. It was a relief when you were allowed to help me with that stuff but you've got to be sick of it by now. You're my husband, not my nurse. But I... I know what you've taken on helping me with it all and you take our wedding vows seriously. I just wish you didn't have to. It's got to be time for us to have some friggin normalcy." He rubbed Merlin's thigh, quiet in deep thought for a few moments. "I wanna have sex. Or even something resembling it. Can we give it a shot, even if I can't get it up? I'll think about the work shit later. I've got to get my head around it and have my attorneys comb the contracts before I do anything anyway. Mark's tied up with Justin but I know he'll dimantle it and find anything concerning about it. He's got the experience of overseeing someone in the entertainment industry with an illness or limitations."

Merlin shook his head emphatically. "Noooo. No, no, no. We're not doing that. You can barely stand without keeling over, you're supposed to be on bed rest. Bed rest. That means no activity in the bed. You ain't up to it yet, darlin'. We'll get there, just not yet. I need you to remember to focus on your recovery. You ain't in hospital anymore and you're in a rush to get back to normal. But you're still sick. All that stuff? I'm your husband and that's why you're home, so I can do those things for you when you need it. Okay? We're married and fuck yeah, do I take my vows seriously. The most serious of anything I've ever said. Don't get me wrong, I'd love nothing more but you ain't well, darlin'. Just have a wiz and rest." He went and got the bottle from the bathroom and set it on the nightstand for Brandon when he was ready. "Do you need more pain meds? Something for your stomach. I can see that look you're giving me. I love you. I do. Even when you're sick." He sat on the bed again and leaned in to give Brandon a soft, slow kiss.

"I'm not talking reenacting a porno, babe. There's no way in hell I'm getting it up. You know what I mean. I wanna feel you close, that's all. Now there's no wires or tubes attached to me, no nurses gawking at me every fifteen minutes, no doctors - as much as I love all they did for me - and being a fucking bubble boy in an isolation room. Remind me I'm still alive?" Brandon responded to the kiss with another. "If I use the damn bottle and take a top up on my pain meds, will it get me a bit more negotiating power? I want to talk to you about how you're feeling now we basically went public for Damien and Liam's wedding? If you'd be okay with me doing an interview to put it out there or if you want me to wait. Olympia says she's got people beating down her doors for the exclusive but if I do anything, I want it all to go to charity. Kids with leukemia and LGBTQIA+ youth. I feel like I just need to... I don't know, regain some control over my private and professional life. I don't want it to be a media circus, I just want to own our story, tell it how we want to."

They had been here before, Merlin knew that. Their honeymoon, for one. Brandon had been rapidly declining since they got engaged and had a steady internal bleed at the time of their wedding and brief honeymoon at the beach house. They hadn't known until it led to him having another hemorrhage. Their wedding night had been the first Brandon took viagra and it had worked for him. Neither Tara nor Lachlan recommended him using it for the time being. They didn't want it interacting with all the other medication he had to be on for the bone marrow transplant and subsequent Graft-versus-Host Disease. But both doctors had told them they didn't have to be celibate or lock Brandon in a bubble to protect him. Intimacy could be healing but they had to figure out how that looked for them. "Darlin', it's gonna be a media circus. I remember what it was like when Justin went public about Sash. It was a PR goldmine, and they hadn't even been hiding anything like we had. Can't I just be, like, a behind-the-scenes husband? I'm not saying I don't wanna do any sort of media with you. I know that's gonna come but at this point in time, I'm just... battle-weary? I'm not ready to go in hard and fast. I'm still recovering after nearly losing you. It ain't something I want anyone sticking their nose in on. I think you should do the first interview yourself anyway. Too many folk believe I've taken advantage of your illness and forced you into marriage. I dunno how to handle that yet." He handed Brandon the bottle. "Use it and we can lie naked together. We'll see how that goes first."

With a heavy long-suffering sigh, Brandon took the bottle and put it on the bed beside him, ignoring it for the moment. He knew that in the coming weeks or even months, he would probably do a lot of appeasing his husband so this entire process was as easy on both of them as possible. As much as he wanted to get even just a bit of his life back to normal, it was a delusional hope at this stage. His doctors told him his healing timelines was impossible to determine yet. Merlin would keep doing what he needed to to take care of him until he managed to turn a corner with his recovery and it was all dependent on any complications. "Babe, my entire life has been a media circus since I got the job and hit the big time, and the person I was before it doesn't exist anymore. I can't dodge it on any level trying to get back to something that is normal-ish. What I do know is the fact that I'm queer is out there now. The fact I'm married to a guy is out there. A guy who not only works with Justin Campbell but is friends with him. You won a pretty huge talent comp to get that role too, nationally-recognised comp. I think we're just going to have to take the plunge. You can be behind the scenes as much as you want, I don't need you to fall into line as an obedient Plus One or anything like that. I just want it known that being your husband is part of who I am now. I was never going to nearly drop dead and come back the same person. What I'm trying to say is would you be okay if I went public with an official statement while you're behind the scenes?"

"The only thing I want the record set straight on is that I didn't take advantage of you while you were sick and possibly dying. I know I shouldn't worry about that but it hurts that people can even think that. Or that you would be stupid enough to fall for it if is was. Like you would've given anyone who would take advantage of you access to you when you were your most vulnerable. Plus, I have some family members back home who either don't believe I could be into guys or don't believe I'm really married to you because you're, like, a sex god and I'm... me. I kinda wanna rub their noses in the truth just a lil' bit but it's nothing that can't wait." Merlin took a few moments to really think on what Brandon was proposing and why he wanted it. Basically, his bosses just offered him an incredible deal but he was only just out of hospital. It felt like a lot but he knew Brandon had been a sick person a long time now. He would be desperate to claw something back into his control. "I think you should do it. But give yourself a few weeks to figure out what you want to say. It took you while to find the right words when you effectively 'came out' as having cancer, so I know something like this, you'll need time to figure out what you want to say and how. It'll change you entire life, it's important you're sure. Okay? Is that a deal?"

"Yeah, that's going to be the fucking headline of the interview, gorgeous. Damn fucking right am I setting the record straight on the fact I've never fucking been straight and if it wasn't for you, I'd literally be dead. But we'll censor as much as you need or want. I just feel like I need to put it out there what went down and why. Without targeting the network and showrunners, of course. Even if their bias and mainstream mindsets were absolutely homophobic wanting me marketed as straight, they're backtracking now and want to support me, the real me. I'm sick of PR writing my words, telling my story. I shouldn't be here but I am. And I'm married to an incredible guy who saved my life. Your family are prejudiced cunts. Sorry, but they are. I'll show our marriage certificate if I need to. But after that, I do want us to have privacy and respect for what we're going through. I think the only way to really get that is with my own words. You said it worked for Justin and Sash when they first went public, yeah? You don't think it can work for us too?" Brandon reached up and stroked Merlin's cheek. Then he took his hand and softly kissed Merlin's wedding ring, giving his hand a soft squeeze. "I want you to help me find the right words. None of this is 'my' story anymore, it's ours. And I've really got to pee before I piss the bed. Totally fucking romantic. Married life, huh?"

When Merlin leaned over to grab the bottle again for Brandon before there was any sort of accident either of them needed to spend more energy cleaning up, he accidentally did a massive fart. He felt his cheeks flush but he burst out laughing at himself, holding his hand up in surrender. "Pardon me. Sorry, sorry! I was trying to hold it. Totally romantic life," he agreed, still giggle-snorting because he was a dude who had grown up around other dudes his whole life and farts would never not be funny. Hell, even on Brandon's worst days through his illness, Merlin still managed to get him laughing about farts whether he was up to it or not. Then because he was still laughing, he farted again and realise it was probably a losing cause trying to be polite about it. One of the benefits of married life right there. He sheepishly handed the bottle over to Brandon. "Sorry, you know my guts. All this is making me nervy. My nerves are still shot after everything and I don't have the confidence you do. I never have. This stuff, it's all uncharted territory for me. It's not like the coming out headline can be, 'We Have to Take It Slow Because My Gassy Husband Gets the Trots When We Don't'. Only not, because I'm absolutely never going public about my medical condition. Ever."

It was impossible for Brandon not to start laughing himself. It definitely wasn't the first time awkwardly timed flatulence had been a thing in their marriage and it definitely wouldn't be the last. They were both guilty of that. He just couldn't entirely ignore the fact that the reason for it right now was Merlin's stress levels. Didn't stop it being funny as fuck but also couldn't be ignored. It was hard to get his own laughter under control with Merlin's giggling at himself. "Hang on, hang on, hang on! I'm seriously going to piss myself if I keep laughing. Ow, it hurts. I just can't tell what's hurting the most," he laughed, holding the side of his torso while he hurried to get the waist of his trackpants pushed down. With Merlin's help, he managed to get the bottle positioned just in time, closing his eyes in relief. Even just that burst of hilarity really took it out of him. "Jeezus, I hate this not being able to tell what my body's doing. That might be the worst of this phase of the shitshow. I feel like I need to go out in sympathy with your butt acoustics. Babe, you should've told me you were having a flare-up. I mean it. This is not all about me. That's not what I signed up for. Shit..." He leaned over, still nursing his side when pain and the sick feeling shrouded him all over again. This was definitely what his doctors had been warning him about.

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