Sasha Martin Stanford (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beautifulday) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-08-31 12:07 am
beautifulday) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-08-31 12:07 am
Entry tags:
- [character] brandon blake,
- [character] cassidy cohen,
- [character] finlay bennett,
- [character] justin campbell,
- [character] layla morton,
- [character] maryanne spencer,
- [character] merlin blake,
- [character] noah fitzpatrick,
- [character] sasha stanford,
- [character] shannon webster,
- [character] skylar dawson,
- [character] tori kingston,
- [character] wesley knight,
- [scene] rp,
- [ship] cassidy/tori,
- [ship] fin/shannon,
- [ship] justin/sasha,
- [ship] layla/maryanne,
- [ship] merlin/brandon,
- [ship] noah/wesley
"'Cause I'm in a helpless situation..."
Who: Sqaud Batcall for Merlin Blake and Brandon Blake - Justin, Sasha, Wesley, Noah, Skylar, Cassidy, Tori, Shannon, Fin, Layla, Maryanne
What: Bad news travels fast
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: After this
If there was one thing about their squad, it was when shit when down with one of their own, they knew how to rally. It was how Justin went from not really being too up for visitors while he was having dialysis to having Sasha, Cassidy, Tori, Layla, Maryanne, Skylar, Finn, and Shannon. More of their friends would probably arrive too, considering the gigantic twist of fate things took with Merlin. It was a shock to see that Merlin accidentally posted a personal post about Brandon to his public Instagram account but the news came that Brandon had apparently taken a bad turn and no one knew much of anything.
“Shit’s absolutely hitting the fan all over socials about Brandon,” Skylar told them with a low whistle, shaking his head as he scrolled his phone. “No one seems to know what the fuck’s going on. Fans are shitfighting between it’s a scam or a hacking and wanting to paint themselves with rainbows and declare themselves Brandon’s biggest big fat gay allies. Then there’s a whole pile of Merlin’s fans shitfighting because they thought he was straight and single fighting with a whole bunch of fellow pansexual fans telling the other side they’re idiots because he came out as pan. Did he actually come out? I can’t even remember anymore.”
From where Justin was sitting in the bed with his head on Sasha’s shoulder, he rolled his eyes. “He never actually said he was straight in the first place. Shitfighting about other people’s sexualities is fucking bullshit but unavoidable in fanbases. He was photographed at Pride in a pan shirt with a pan flag. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything but his pan fans at least knew he was a strong supporter. That’s all debateable. His post? Not so much.”
Sasha had his phone out too, reading some of what was being said in the aftermath of Merlin’s post, which hadn’t been up all that long. “Trying to say it’s a scam is stupid. Some people here actually believe Brandon died and this is PR to cover it. Been there…” He scrunched his nose up, knowing something similar happened during Justin’s last admission to the psych unit. He had been too much of a mess to have too much awareness of it but Justin’s PR took care of it.
“Brandon is seriously sick. Why are people such fucking assholes?” Tori mumbled where he was sitting near the window, looking out at the view with a broody scowl. “I’m not really surprised Merlin made a mistake like posting to the wrong account. You’re not exactly thinking straight facing losing someone you love to cancer.”
Cassidy came back into the room and held up her phone. “I couldn’t get hold of anyone to find out what’s going on but that’s not really a surprise. Wes replied with a text and said he’d come up and see us to let us know what he knows.” She went to sit on Tori’s lap again, smoothing her hand over his hair. He and Sasha knew more than any of them what Merlin would be feeling right now. “The last I spoke to him, he said Brandon was having a tough time with the conditioning for the transplant. This is the last thing they need. I don’t know why no one’s taken the post down. Is it still there?”
Shannon nodded and held up his phone with the post on the screen. “The hits are blowing up. I don’t even want to look at the comments. What do you think this will mean for Merlin, Jus?”
Justin shrugged, narrowing his eyes a little to look a little more closely at the pictures Merlin had posted. “I don’t know if he wants that level of public scrutiny, especially while Brandon’s sick but… I don’t know, I feel like he would’ve rushed to delete the post ASAP if he was really concerned. That’s a relatively recent picture of Brandon. He’s wearing at least his engagement ring, but it’s hard to see for sure. Could’ve been taken in Cape Cod. I don’t think it was meant for public consumption. But if Brandon’s taken a serious bad turn, maybe this shit just isn’t important to him. It sounds like he posted it after that, though. Thing is, even if he deleted, plenty of folk’ll already have screenshotted it. Once something’s online, it’s there forever. Once the media got hold of it, it was a done deal. At least my dad’s his attorney in case he gets sued for breaching the NDA.”
“They would do that?!” Layla cried, pushing her hair out of her face. She and Maryanne had gotten close to Merlin after Maryanne joined the production as Rusty, the supporting female role opposite Merlin’s supporting male role. Recently, she had been performing with Tori but everyone involved with Footloose or Shade of Violet and Shades of Rainbow had. “It was a mistake! It’s not like he’s doing a nudie run in Times Square screaming ‘I FUCK BRANDON BLAKE’.”
Skylar looked up, smirking. “Damnit.” There was never really a time for him to offer his cheeky two cents worth.
“Sky…” Maryanne groaned, rubbing her forehead.
“Just because you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean the rest of us want to go without dick,” Skylar threw back, right when Wesley and Noah arrived with a soft knock on the doorframe. The door was closed over, save for a couple of inches, for Justin’s privacy but he could see who was there from where he was seated. “Come in, guys. Sorry. We weren’t really discussing dick at a time like this…” he had to add sheepishly.
As soon as Wesley came into the room, Sasha could see how stressed he was. Noah was holding his hand tightly and it was obvious Wes had been crying. “Come sit down, guys. There’s a couple of free seats here. VIP treatment.” He knew Justin’s mood had been up and down these past few days with the dialysis disrupting his system but he hadn’t hesitated having their friends here when shit hit the fan with Merlin and they were worrying about him and Brandon. “Is Merlin okay? He hasn’t taken the post down. Has something happened?”
Wesley dropped into the closest chair because his legs felt like jelly and he had been shaky ever since he saw Merlin punch the wall and, he now knew, breaking his wrist and three fingers. “Sorry, I know I don’t know y’all so well yet but I figured you’d be worried and shit, not really knowing what’s going on. Shit’s epically hitting the fan, so I dunno it all but I don’t mind filling y’all in on what I do know. It’s real sweet you’re here for Merl.”
Noah went back out into the corridor to get a cup of water for Wes from the cooler. Then he sat beside him, holding it for him. Wes was shaking too much, he would only spill it. “Brandon crashed. Things spiralled from there,” he told them, giving Wes a place to at least kick off.
Wesley nodded and took a shaky breath. “I dunno the specifics so much but I put the name of the thing in my phone.” He took a bit to pull his phone from the pocket of his jeans and brought up the Notepad app. “Last night, Brandon started to get a lot worse. He ain’t done well with all this chemo and radiation thing, the killing off all the cancer cells or whatever. He was getting real sick and in loads of pain, so they mostly were giving him meds to help him sleep. Merl ain’t been sleeping, though. He’s been too scared B would die, you know? Then earlier today, he crashed. Like, the whole resus defib thing. I dunno, I ain’t ever seen it in action other than on TV and in movies but I know it’s gotta be bad to see.”
“It is,” Sasha confirmed quietly, his arm around Justin tightening just a little. He had witnessed it all again way too recently not to be shaken hearing this. “It would’ve been harrowing on Brandon’s body how weak he is. Chemo and leukemia, you can practically just point at a patient and they bruise. Did something cause him to crash?”
Justin lowered his gaze but didn’t say anything. His was self-inflicted, even if not autonomous. Enough to make him feel guilty as fuck knowing what Brandon was going through wasn’t self-inflicated.
“Sorry, dude,” Wesley murmured, noticing Justin visibly withdraw with what he was saying. “I don’t mean for this to stir stuff up for you. You’re going through something hellish yourself. Merlin just worships you like fuck and I know you gotta have experience with this… this Instragram type of thing. I didn’t know if you knew what all this could mean for Merl. He ain’t available to take it down, you see. Or um, doesn’t want to?”
“Where is he? Is he with Brandon?” Cassidy asked, wanting to go over and give Wesley a hug but she didn’t know him well enough to take liberties like that. She just felt like she did with how much Merlin always spoke about him and them growing up together.
Justin shook his head. “It’s okay. None of this is about me. Just put it down to my moods. There’s not a lot anyone can do unless they have access to Merlin’s account. He doesn’t have a personal PR rep, the Footloose PR team covers him. This actually wouldn’t be considered negative press for him in regards to Footloose because Caden and all his productions are very LGBT+ inclusive and proactive. Brandon would have a lot more to deal with.”
Wesley sighed, figuring as much from the snippets of conversations he had overheard with Merlin’s family and Brandon’s team, who had swooped on the hospital as soon as Merlin’s post broke. He pointed to his phone screen. “Brandon had this thing. Hypo… volmic? Hypvolmiac? Shock. Hypovolemic Shock. Basically, had a giant internal hemorrhage and nearly bled out. This happens when someone loses a lotta blood real quick. It gave him cardiac and respiratory arrest and he stopped breathing on his own. They, like, brought him back and all, then had to take him to the OR to stop the bleeding, give him more blood transfusions and whatever. But they had to put him on life support. Merlin had to give the okay for that because it was in Brandon’s legal orders that Merl makes all the medical decisions for him if he can’t. Then Lachlan had to tell him that basically, there’s a real slim chance now the transplant will work ‘cause Brandon’s so weak and sick now. He might not survive it. Like, there’s more chance he won’t than he will now. So, it was on Merl to decide to go ahead with the transplant. He had to make the choice whether to just shelve it all and let Brandon go or to give it a try and he still might die anyone but it could put him through more of an ordeal, cause more pain, all that.” His voice shook and he teared up but didn’t let the tears spill over. “He was so fucking upset and distressed. And he was angry. He punched a wall, turns out he’s busted his hand doing it. But he chose to go ahead with the transplant. He posted this right before Lachlan took him to the OR for the op to get his bone marrow. He turned his phone off and took the SIM card out. No one knows where he put the card.”
The room was silent with the news of what had happened. Justin saw the girls starting to cry and Sasha and Tori both looked like Wes, like they wanted to throw up. Justin’s mind was a little hazy from the meds he was on himself but he frowned, biting his lip as he processed what Wesley said happened. “He meant to post that,” he realised with a slight laugh of disbelief. “He deliberately outed Brandon.”
“He wouldn’t do that! He made Brandon a million promises to keep his secret, agreeing to the bearding with Autumn. That was from day one of their relationship. He told me,” Cassidy insisted, now more confused than ever. “Oh my god, if Brandon dies,” she whimpered, burying her head against Tori’s shoulder.
“Sure, but what if Brandon wanted to be out if his life was on the line. As a gay guy, I wouldn’t want to die in the closet or die leaving behind a life of lies. That’s me but if he’s taken his sim card out, so he doesn’t want anyone getting access to his phone. Or he doesn’t want anyone getting access to his Instagram to take the post down. Doing what he did, no one can sue Brandon for any breach of contract and if his life’s on the line, it’s unlikely anyone will try to sue Merlin for breaching an NDA if the post was an accident. At least, my dad will make sure they don’t. I’m just saying, maybe it wasn’t an accidental post at all. People have all sorts of private things between themselves in relationships. We don’t know what Merlin and Brandon decided together going into Brandon’s treatment. They obviously knew there was a chance Brandon might die. It’s pretty clever what they’ve done if it’s that. No one will be able to access Merlin while he’s a patient and security will already ensure Brandon’s protected. Neither of them are going to care about the outfall until Brandon’s doing better.” Justin took Sasha’s phone and had another look at Merlin’s post. “That’s why he picked those photos. You can see their rings. It confirms Brandon’s in hospital in a bad way. He’s used two gay emojis. And there’s no disputing they’re at least a couple. Where’s Merlin now, still having surgery?”
Everyone in the room now had their phones out too, looking more closely at the photos and Merlin’s post. Noah pointed at his screen. “This is Cape Cod, I think. Brandon was wearing long-sleeved shirts while we were up there because the chemo was making his skin burn when he was out in it even just for a couple of minutes. I heard him telling Jaxson he hadn’t had any photoshoots for work recently, so he didn’t need to worry about taking his rings off. Shit, it’s pretty epic if this was planned. Like, a total fuck you to Brandon’s network execs keeping him in the closet.”
“Now they got no choice but to deal with it,” Wesley agreed, staring at his phone cupped in his hands. “I just… dunno. Don’t get me wrong, I think Merl would totally do something like this if they came up with it. If he had a choice, he’d rather be out and proud with Brandon. He’s told me as much a few times now. He just ain’t the sort to want a spotlight on his private life. It’s why he was okay with the bearding, he said it meant he could hide in plain sight. But now Brandon’s crazy tuned-in fans are gonna realise it was Merlin in that leaked pic of them in Cape Cod. The night Merl got upset at Karaoke.”
With a sigh, Justin nodded resolutely and gave Sasha his phone back. “Every person with a bit of fame and a steady fanbase has social media FBI squads who track and log every fucking minute detail of their fave’s life. It’s just how it is with fame these days. And I know Merlin didn’t think it so much but he’s got a pretty significant fanbase himself. Some of them even thought he and I have hooked up once upon a time. A lot were pretty sweet on him with Cas too. This is going to be a shock regardless because Brandon’s been sold as straight for so long. But it’s kinda a genius strategy to dodge PR and manipulate media. This way, Merlin maintains the complete control over his and Brandon’s situation. As in control as he can be with his husband’s life in the balance. But at any other time, this probably wouldn’t have worked. He can say this was an accident because he was so distressed about Brandon’s condition and couldn’t take it down because he was in surgery. It stays up, it gets immortalised in screencaps and countless speculative articles and arguments online. Brandon’s out without breaking his ironclad contracts.”
Skylar couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head too. “That is fucking genius. How sick Brandon is aside, this is epic. I agree, Merlin did this deliberately. But knowing Merl as we all do, it wouldn’t have come as a light decision for him. He would’ve stressed himself stupid deciding to take the leap. We all know that. Meaning, he’s probably going to be a fucking mess and then some when he’s out of surgery. And most of what I’m reading here online is positive. People are flying the rainbow flag hard as fuck for Brandon. But a lot of people still think he’s died. I hope someone corrects that, it’s an awful rumour to have out there. Okay, here’s an entire thread on Reddit speculating where and when they got married. I think you’re right, J. He picked pics with the rings.”
“Any live betting pools? We could make ourselves some quick cash by throwing Cape Cod in the ring as an option,” Layla mumbled, frowning. “Planned or not, all this shit online seem to be forgetting Brandon’s seriously sick with cancer. There’s a lot of grey area between healthy and deceased. I hope his family aren’t reading all that shit.”
“He hasn’t got any family,” Tori reminded her softly. “But what about that sweet man and lady that were at the wedding, the folks they took the road trip to see when they started dating? Please tell me they don’t have the internet.”
“Top favourite locations seem to be Vegas or Mexico,” Skylar threw in.
Wesley snorted, rubbing his aching head tiredly. “Merl would never do either of those. In any other situation, he’d be laughing his ass off at this whole thing. He was still in surgery last I heard. Damo’s gonna let me know when he’s out. But he didn’t do well with the anesthetic he had last time, so it might take time for him to recover. I dunno what’s supposed to happen after, if they put the bone marrow straight into Brandon or what. It’s a shitstorm up there right now and all of it happening behind a wall of security. Brandon’s in the ICU but only family are allowed to be in with him, so Merlin and Jaxson. Merlin’s family by default because they’re now Brandon’s family. Jesse and Damo are with him while Merl has his surgery. I don’t think Norm and Joan look at much shit on the internet. I doubt they use social media. I was with Merl when he was arranging for them to come to the wedding. He posted everything to them in the mail.”
“Guys, Brandon might die,” Sasha soon offered quietly when the true reality of this whole situation set in. “That’s why he did it. He doesn’t think Brandon’s going to make it.”
“What do we do?” Cassidy asked helplessly, breaking into more tears. Merlin was her ex, sure, but they had become such close friends after they decided they weren’t meant to be dating. He had helped her through so much leading up to her gender-confirmation surgery and in the wake of it. She felt like she should be returning the favour but the helplessness of the situation was painful.
“We can’t do anything. I can’t even do anything and he’s literally been my best friend our whole lives. He can’t do anything. That’s the hardest fucking part of all. He can’t do anything to ensure Brandon survives. The bone marrow thing? He ain’t even got hope left for that. Lachlan was totally honest that it was a real slim chance now because B’s body is just weak and giving up. I don’t think he’s gonna have a whole lotta fucks to give about how anyone’s reacting to his Instagram post. Maybe that’s why he did it. It all seems so fucking pointless and stupid if Braden dies. Like… do you even think about Justin’s fans when something happens to him, wondering what their thoughts or opinions are?” Wesley asked, gesturing to Sasha with his phone. He knew Sasha had gone to see Merlin and offered his support because he knew what it was like to care for a sick partner. Sasha was the one who would have at least an inkling of what Merlin was facing because he had to face losing Justin to suicide multiple times.
Sasha was quiet for a few lingering moments, wetting his lips. He looked at Justin and cupped his hand to Justin’s cheek, kissing his hair like he needed the reminder he was still here. “No. It’s impossible to think of anyone but Justin. You don’t even think about yourself. You’re barely hanging on. There’s not a single part of that side of Justin’s life I think about when he’s badly sick. It might sound harsh, but I really don’t fucking care about them when it’s all happening. But… there are strategies in place if things take a bad turn so I don’t have to worry about anything that doesn’t matter. I think maybe Merlin’s post is proof they have strategies too. He hasn’t posted anything like that before. I don’t think it’s an accident, even if it totally seems like one. He’s claimed Brandon’s power over himself back when it’s impossible for him to do it himself. That’s… really fucking priceless.”
Justin closed his eyes as he listened, taking in all the information bouncing around him. He didn’t say anything for a long while because what he was thinking about was giving him a headache. But he knew what he had to do here. “Okay, um… Brandon’s PR? They’re here? I need to talk to them. Like, as soon as possible. It sounds like they need a, um…” He paused, clearing his throat. “They need a decoy. Fuck it. If you can get me a name or number, Wes, that’d be great.”
“Jus, no,” Sasha jumped in with a frown, shaking his head when his protective hackles immediately shot up when he heard what Justin said. “That’s not… no. Make someone else do it.”
“Who else? It needs to be someone already here or the press will put two and two together really fucking quickly.” Justin had been in the business long enough now to know how things worked. He had people act in a decoy capacity for him many times. It was time to pay it forward in return. “It’s okay. Better they know about me than Brandon right now. My shit ain’t exactly unexpected. Shit will hit the fan with Merlin’s post regardless. But it doesn’t need to hit the fan for them here. Let them keep guessing about his location. They both need and deserve their privacy right now. Especially if he ain’t going to make it. Anyway, Dad’ll already be here by now. He can orchestrate it all, he’s their attorney too.”
Wesley blinked, looking between Justin and Sasha. “Wait, what am I missing here? You mean, like a decoy where someone runs out dressed as a giant chicken so all the cameras turn in their direction or something? I don’t get it.”
Cassidy bit her lower lip, watching Justin in concern. “Maybe sacrificing your own privacy isn’t the best idea right now, though…”
“My vote’s for the dude in the chicken suit,” Skylar agreed quietly. He had been Justin’s friend long enough now to fear his own health and wellbeing when he was sick. This was a new type of sick. Not that he didn’t want Merlin and Brandon protected too. It was a cruel situation. “You want everyone to know all this, J?”
“No, he doesn’t,” Sasha snapped.
Justin took Sasha’s hand. “Baby, it’s okay. It ain’t like I need to run out there in a chicken suit. It’s not anything like that. It’s not a literal decoy. It’s a PR tactic. Get the people watching to look in another direction until the heat dies down in another. They just need people to look in another direction in the hospital so they’re not looking for Brandon and Merlin here. Brandon could be anywhere. Merlin’s post doesn’t mention anything about location. They just need a few days until Merlin can figure out what decisions he wants to make. No one’s going to be surprised to hear I’m in hospital recovering from a relapse. Then all they need is to print a few words from me saying I haven’t spoken to Merlin but I hope he’s holding up through the stressful time. If they need to say more about my… shit, then we’ll figure it out when it comes. Sash, baby, I just… would you have wanted Andi to die with the spotlight glaring on her? Would you want me to? I just want to help. I know what it feels like.”
“Merlin’s got a huge fanbase himself. Trust me, I copped so much hate when I first stepped in to cover his role. I wasn’t Merlin enough to play Willard. Lucky for me, I know how theatre works and I never saw it as me stealing his place. I’m just keeping it warm for him until he comes back. But he’s got passionate fans. Some of them are probably celebrating right now that he’s with Brandon probably without realising Merlin’s message clearly indicates Brandon’s life’s on the line.I bet his fans who know he’s pan will be over the moon,” Tori guessed. He and Merlin had become good friends since they started working together. Even when Merlin had to go away to London after he discovered he was adopted to work and train on the West End over there, he and Tori kept in touch about the role and became mates. And having lost his sister to leukemia, Tori knew what he was going through. “Andi never wanted to be kept alive on machines either. You get that sick that your body starts to give out, resus and life support is a massive trauma. But Brandon’s not terminal, he has a chance.”
Wesley listened to Tori with a tiny frown, trying to process what he was saying but his brain felt like it had a sick sore fog hanging in it. “I don’t get y’all famous people life. It sounds fucking exhausting and stressful. He’s got fans who’ve always wanted him to be gay, though. They shipped him with Justin when he first got the job. I remember Merl laughing ‘cause Justin ain’t been single and Merl didn’t know he was queer back then either. It’s kinda gross they’d be thinking that shit right now, but then again, no one knows the real story about B, do they? They dunno how sick he really is. They probably just think he’s somewhere getting a bit of chemo and still getting around like super smoking hot star he’s always been. When was the last time he was seen in public?”
Noah took his phone out and Googled Brandon’s name to see the latest news on him. “Shit, speculation’s totally blown up about him but after all this latest stuff, the last he was spotted was with Merlin in Cape Cod. No one could see who Merlin was but looks like they’ve connected the dots now. Before that, the paparazzi pics of him with Autumn and throwing up in the alley that day. Latest official sighting of him was months ago, before he announced he had cancer.” He did a quick search on Merlin’s fan accounts to see what his fans were saying. “Well, the ones who ain’t still shipping him with Cas, they’re all rioting over him dating, engaged, or married to Brandon. Jeezuz, fans are nuts. I dunno how y’all do it, Justin.”
“It’s work. You tune it out. When I’m not meeting with fans performing, I switch it off and let my team deal with it all. I couldn’t do it without the protections around me. Which is why I wanna help them. It’s different for me. Really different. My folks constantly have their fingers on the pulse so I’ve got all the right help and support I need to be able to do it. This is new for Brandon and Merlin. They ain’t got those supports. And it’s true, fans can be fucking nuts and they don’t give a fuck about your privacy until you force their hand to respect it. They don’t need to know what’s happening with Brandon. It’s probably best they don’t. My shit will come out eventually anyway.” Justin rubbed his eyes, scrunching his face up. “If I’ve got to change my tour or figure out how to get back to working while I’m on dialysis or whatever the fuck. I just wanna help them. That’s all.”
Sasha wet his lips, fussing over Justin’s covers for a moment. “Guys, do you think you could let us talk about this alone for a bit? Sorry. I don’t mean to…” He didn’t really know what he was apologising for. Maybe it was pulling rank as Justin’s fiancé but it was more just because this whole issue was far more complex than Justin wanting to help Merlin and Brandon. “Sorry.”
None of their friends minded. Justin gave Cas a faint smile when she gave him a gentle hug and kiss on the cheek. Skylar gave him a pat on the back and everyone else waved as they filtered out of his room to leave him and Sasha alone. Once they were alone again and Sasha came back to the bed after closing the door to give them privacy to talk, Justin took his hand, slipping his fingers through Sasha’s. He closed his eyes, bringing their joined hands up to his forehead. “If he dies…”
“I know, baby.” Sasha kissed Justin’s forehead and then rested his cheek against his hair. “I don’t want you to do anything until Merlin knows about it. That’s all. Once you put it out there, you can’t take it back. You’re not well. You’re better but you’re not through this. He would want want you risking a relapse. But I know why you want to help. I do. You didn’t want anyone knowing about this.”
“Because I fucking hate myself for it, okay?” Justin couldn’t do this without getting upset but he did his best to fight of bursting into tears. “But maybe I can use my fuck up to help some friends I love and really care about when they’re literally going through hell. It’s never gonna be a shock to anyone to hear I attempted again. Something good can come from it.”
Sasha shook his head. “That’s not true,” he said quietly, lowering his gaze. “It’s always a shock to me. Probably just as much a shock as Merlin got with Brandon crashing. You don’t get used to shit like this. I don’t know if I can handle your pain and struggles being reduced to a decoy. Because I don’t see any of it as a fuck up. I see it as real as an illness as Andi or Brandon’s cancer. Your life is just as much at risk. What you’re going through right now is private and it doesn’t need to be put out there as a decoy.”
Justin went quiet and tried to snuggle closer to Sasha, needing the comfort and knowing Sasha needed it too. “I don’t wanna talk about any of this yet. That’s not what I meant. I don’t want all my shit spilled. I couldn’t cope with it. I can barely process what’s happening. I just… it’s just to avert the gaze and the heat from Merlin for a really short time until he’s through his procedure and back in control. At least, as much control as he can have with something like this. Which probably feels like none at all. Just to give him a moment to breathe, that’s all.”
“Are you going to be okay? I know that’s a stupid question because you never know how you’ll really be with anything but I still need to ask.” Sasha brushed his hand over Justin’s hair and was fussing over his covers again. “It’s Merlin’s job to protect Brandon but it’s my job to protect you.”
“It’s probably better we put something out there anyway. Kill two birds with one stone. I’ve always said I’d try to be honest when my bipolar screws me over. Everything’s just hazy around it all. I know I was up and down but I thought I was okay. I was too busy to realise otherwise, maybe. I don’t always know, which sounds so fucked up. People think suicide’s so fucking intentional and conscious. Like everyone who does it makes this massive decision to die. Most of the time, I fucking wake up and don’t even realise what happened or when the feelings and thoughts started to come back. There was no trigger. It doesn’t always need a trigger…” Justin mumbled, his fingers tightening a little around Sasha’s while he tried to reason some of this out. “But the world knows my deal. What’s the point of hiding from it when I can help someone?”
Sasha cupped Justin’s cheek in his palm and gave him a soft, slow kiss. “Okay. Then I’ve got your back, baby. But we take it a tiny step at a time, so we know what’s going on and you’re prepared. I’ll send your dad a text and let him know you want to talk to him but then you’ve got to get some rest. You can barely keep your eyes open.”
“I’m not feeling very well,” Justin admitted, not even trying to open his eyes again now Sasha had called him out on it. “I’m gonna try to sleep.”
Sasha pressed the button to lower the head of the bed so Justin could sleep. He made sure he was comfortable on his side and the covers were tucked around him. He settled in behind Justin to cuddle him while he got some rest, taking his phone out to shoot Mark a quick text. He was worried and he could feel his anxiety levels bubbling away again but Justin would always do Justin and that was one of the biggest reasons why he loved him. But it was also one of the biggest reasons why he had to take care of him. As much as he wanted to wrap him in bubble wrap and lock him away, that was never going to be an option. He settled into a rhythm of stroking Justin’s hair while he slept, hoping like hell that Brandon had the strength to hold onto that tiny hope of survival.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Bad news travels fast
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: After this
If there was one thing about their squad, it was when shit when down with one of their own, they knew how to rally. It was how Justin went from not really being too up for visitors while he was having dialysis to having Sasha, Cassidy, Tori, Layla, Maryanne, Skylar, Finn, and Shannon. More of their friends would probably arrive too, considering the gigantic twist of fate things took with Merlin. It was a shock to see that Merlin accidentally posted a personal post about Brandon to his public Instagram account but the news came that Brandon had apparently taken a bad turn and no one knew much of anything.
“Shit’s absolutely hitting the fan all over socials about Brandon,” Skylar told them with a low whistle, shaking his head as he scrolled his phone. “No one seems to know what the fuck’s going on. Fans are shitfighting between it’s a scam or a hacking and wanting to paint themselves with rainbows and declare themselves Brandon’s biggest big fat gay allies. Then there’s a whole pile of Merlin’s fans shitfighting because they thought he was straight and single fighting with a whole bunch of fellow pansexual fans telling the other side they’re idiots because he came out as pan. Did he actually come out? I can’t even remember anymore.”
From where Justin was sitting in the bed with his head on Sasha’s shoulder, he rolled his eyes. “He never actually said he was straight in the first place. Shitfighting about other people’s sexualities is fucking bullshit but unavoidable in fanbases. He was photographed at Pride in a pan shirt with a pan flag. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything but his pan fans at least knew he was a strong supporter. That’s all debateable. His post? Not so much.”
Sasha had his phone out too, reading some of what was being said in the aftermath of Merlin’s post, which hadn’t been up all that long. “Trying to say it’s a scam is stupid. Some people here actually believe Brandon died and this is PR to cover it. Been there…” He scrunched his nose up, knowing something similar happened during Justin’s last admission to the psych unit. He had been too much of a mess to have too much awareness of it but Justin’s PR took care of it.
“Brandon is seriously sick. Why are people such fucking assholes?” Tori mumbled where he was sitting near the window, looking out at the view with a broody scowl. “I’m not really surprised Merlin made a mistake like posting to the wrong account. You’re not exactly thinking straight facing losing someone you love to cancer.”
Cassidy came back into the room and held up her phone. “I couldn’t get hold of anyone to find out what’s going on but that’s not really a surprise. Wes replied with a text and said he’d come up and see us to let us know what he knows.” She went to sit on Tori’s lap again, smoothing her hand over his hair. He and Sasha knew more than any of them what Merlin would be feeling right now. “The last I spoke to him, he said Brandon was having a tough time with the conditioning for the transplant. This is the last thing they need. I don’t know why no one’s taken the post down. Is it still there?”
Shannon nodded and held up his phone with the post on the screen. “The hits are blowing up. I don’t even want to look at the comments. What do you think this will mean for Merlin, Jus?”
Justin shrugged, narrowing his eyes a little to look a little more closely at the pictures Merlin had posted. “I don’t know if he wants that level of public scrutiny, especially while Brandon’s sick but… I don’t know, I feel like he would’ve rushed to delete the post ASAP if he was really concerned. That’s a relatively recent picture of Brandon. He’s wearing at least his engagement ring, but it’s hard to see for sure. Could’ve been taken in Cape Cod. I don’t think it was meant for public consumption. But if Brandon’s taken a serious bad turn, maybe this shit just isn’t important to him. It sounds like he posted it after that, though. Thing is, even if he deleted, plenty of folk’ll already have screenshotted it. Once something’s online, it’s there forever. Once the media got hold of it, it was a done deal. At least my dad’s his attorney in case he gets sued for breaching the NDA.”
“They would do that?!” Layla cried, pushing her hair out of her face. She and Maryanne had gotten close to Merlin after Maryanne joined the production as Rusty, the supporting female role opposite Merlin’s supporting male role. Recently, she had been performing with Tori but everyone involved with Footloose or Shade of Violet and Shades of Rainbow had. “It was a mistake! It’s not like he’s doing a nudie run in Times Square screaming ‘I FUCK BRANDON BLAKE’.”
Skylar looked up, smirking. “Damnit.” There was never really a time for him to offer his cheeky two cents worth.
“Sky…” Maryanne groaned, rubbing her forehead.
“Just because you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean the rest of us want to go without dick,” Skylar threw back, right when Wesley and Noah arrived with a soft knock on the doorframe. The door was closed over, save for a couple of inches, for Justin’s privacy but he could see who was there from where he was seated. “Come in, guys. Sorry. We weren’t really discussing dick at a time like this…” he had to add sheepishly.
As soon as Wesley came into the room, Sasha could see how stressed he was. Noah was holding his hand tightly and it was obvious Wes had been crying. “Come sit down, guys. There’s a couple of free seats here. VIP treatment.” He knew Justin’s mood had been up and down these past few days with the dialysis disrupting his system but he hadn’t hesitated having their friends here when shit hit the fan with Merlin and they were worrying about him and Brandon. “Is Merlin okay? He hasn’t taken the post down. Has something happened?”
Wesley dropped into the closest chair because his legs felt like jelly and he had been shaky ever since he saw Merlin punch the wall and, he now knew, breaking his wrist and three fingers. “Sorry, I know I don’t know y’all so well yet but I figured you’d be worried and shit, not really knowing what’s going on. Shit’s epically hitting the fan, so I dunno it all but I don’t mind filling y’all in on what I do know. It’s real sweet you’re here for Merl.”
Noah went back out into the corridor to get a cup of water for Wes from the cooler. Then he sat beside him, holding it for him. Wes was shaking too much, he would only spill it. “Brandon crashed. Things spiralled from there,” he told them, giving Wes a place to at least kick off.
Wesley nodded and took a shaky breath. “I dunno the specifics so much but I put the name of the thing in my phone.” He took a bit to pull his phone from the pocket of his jeans and brought up the Notepad app. “Last night, Brandon started to get a lot worse. He ain’t done well with all this chemo and radiation thing, the killing off all the cancer cells or whatever. He was getting real sick and in loads of pain, so they mostly were giving him meds to help him sleep. Merl ain’t been sleeping, though. He’s been too scared B would die, you know? Then earlier today, he crashed. Like, the whole resus defib thing. I dunno, I ain’t ever seen it in action other than on TV and in movies but I know it’s gotta be bad to see.”
“It is,” Sasha confirmed quietly, his arm around Justin tightening just a little. He had witnessed it all again way too recently not to be shaken hearing this. “It would’ve been harrowing on Brandon’s body how weak he is. Chemo and leukemia, you can practically just point at a patient and they bruise. Did something cause him to crash?”
Justin lowered his gaze but didn’t say anything. His was self-inflicted, even if not autonomous. Enough to make him feel guilty as fuck knowing what Brandon was going through wasn’t self-inflicated.
“Sorry, dude,” Wesley murmured, noticing Justin visibly withdraw with what he was saying. “I don’t mean for this to stir stuff up for you. You’re going through something hellish yourself. Merlin just worships you like fuck and I know you gotta have experience with this… this Instragram type of thing. I didn’t know if you knew what all this could mean for Merl. He ain’t available to take it down, you see. Or um, doesn’t want to?”
“Where is he? Is he with Brandon?” Cassidy asked, wanting to go over and give Wesley a hug but she didn’t know him well enough to take liberties like that. She just felt like she did with how much Merlin always spoke about him and them growing up together.
Justin shook his head. “It’s okay. None of this is about me. Just put it down to my moods. There’s not a lot anyone can do unless they have access to Merlin’s account. He doesn’t have a personal PR rep, the Footloose PR team covers him. This actually wouldn’t be considered negative press for him in regards to Footloose because Caden and all his productions are very LGBT+ inclusive and proactive. Brandon would have a lot more to deal with.”
Wesley sighed, figuring as much from the snippets of conversations he had overheard with Merlin’s family and Brandon’s team, who had swooped on the hospital as soon as Merlin’s post broke. He pointed to his phone screen. “Brandon had this thing. Hypo… volmic? Hypvolmiac? Shock. Hypovolemic Shock. Basically, had a giant internal hemorrhage and nearly bled out. This happens when someone loses a lotta blood real quick. It gave him cardiac and respiratory arrest and he stopped breathing on his own. They, like, brought him back and all, then had to take him to the OR to stop the bleeding, give him more blood transfusions and whatever. But they had to put him on life support. Merlin had to give the okay for that because it was in Brandon’s legal orders that Merl makes all the medical decisions for him if he can’t. Then Lachlan had to tell him that basically, there’s a real slim chance now the transplant will work ‘cause Brandon’s so weak and sick now. He might not survive it. Like, there’s more chance he won’t than he will now. So, it was on Merl to decide to go ahead with the transplant. He had to make the choice whether to just shelve it all and let Brandon go or to give it a try and he still might die anyone but it could put him through more of an ordeal, cause more pain, all that.” His voice shook and he teared up but didn’t let the tears spill over. “He was so fucking upset and distressed. And he was angry. He punched a wall, turns out he’s busted his hand doing it. But he chose to go ahead with the transplant. He posted this right before Lachlan took him to the OR for the op to get his bone marrow. He turned his phone off and took the SIM card out. No one knows where he put the card.”
The room was silent with the news of what had happened. Justin saw the girls starting to cry and Sasha and Tori both looked like Wes, like they wanted to throw up. Justin’s mind was a little hazy from the meds he was on himself but he frowned, biting his lip as he processed what Wesley said happened. “He meant to post that,” he realised with a slight laugh of disbelief. “He deliberately outed Brandon.”
“He wouldn’t do that! He made Brandon a million promises to keep his secret, agreeing to the bearding with Autumn. That was from day one of their relationship. He told me,” Cassidy insisted, now more confused than ever. “Oh my god, if Brandon dies,” she whimpered, burying her head against Tori’s shoulder.
“Sure, but what if Brandon wanted to be out if his life was on the line. As a gay guy, I wouldn’t want to die in the closet or die leaving behind a life of lies. That’s me but if he’s taken his sim card out, so he doesn’t want anyone getting access to his phone. Or he doesn’t want anyone getting access to his Instagram to take the post down. Doing what he did, no one can sue Brandon for any breach of contract and if his life’s on the line, it’s unlikely anyone will try to sue Merlin for breaching an NDA if the post was an accident. At least, my dad will make sure they don’t. I’m just saying, maybe it wasn’t an accidental post at all. People have all sorts of private things between themselves in relationships. We don’t know what Merlin and Brandon decided together going into Brandon’s treatment. They obviously knew there was a chance Brandon might die. It’s pretty clever what they’ve done if it’s that. No one will be able to access Merlin while he’s a patient and security will already ensure Brandon’s protected. Neither of them are going to care about the outfall until Brandon’s doing better.” Justin took Sasha’s phone and had another look at Merlin’s post. “That’s why he picked those photos. You can see their rings. It confirms Brandon’s in hospital in a bad way. He’s used two gay emojis. And there’s no disputing they’re at least a couple. Where’s Merlin now, still having surgery?”
Everyone in the room now had their phones out too, looking more closely at the photos and Merlin’s post. Noah pointed at his screen. “This is Cape Cod, I think. Brandon was wearing long-sleeved shirts while we were up there because the chemo was making his skin burn when he was out in it even just for a couple of minutes. I heard him telling Jaxson he hadn’t had any photoshoots for work recently, so he didn’t need to worry about taking his rings off. Shit, it’s pretty epic if this was planned. Like, a total fuck you to Brandon’s network execs keeping him in the closet.”
“Now they got no choice but to deal with it,” Wesley agreed, staring at his phone cupped in his hands. “I just… dunno. Don’t get me wrong, I think Merl would totally do something like this if they came up with it. If he had a choice, he’d rather be out and proud with Brandon. He’s told me as much a few times now. He just ain’t the sort to want a spotlight on his private life. It’s why he was okay with the bearding, he said it meant he could hide in plain sight. But now Brandon’s crazy tuned-in fans are gonna realise it was Merlin in that leaked pic of them in Cape Cod. The night Merl got upset at Karaoke.”
With a sigh, Justin nodded resolutely and gave Sasha his phone back. “Every person with a bit of fame and a steady fanbase has social media FBI squads who track and log every fucking minute detail of their fave’s life. It’s just how it is with fame these days. And I know Merlin didn’t think it so much but he’s got a pretty significant fanbase himself. Some of them even thought he and I have hooked up once upon a time. A lot were pretty sweet on him with Cas too. This is going to be a shock regardless because Brandon’s been sold as straight for so long. But it’s kinda a genius strategy to dodge PR and manipulate media. This way, Merlin maintains the complete control over his and Brandon’s situation. As in control as he can be with his husband’s life in the balance. But at any other time, this probably wouldn’t have worked. He can say this was an accident because he was so distressed about Brandon’s condition and couldn’t take it down because he was in surgery. It stays up, it gets immortalised in screencaps and countless speculative articles and arguments online. Brandon’s out without breaking his ironclad contracts.”
Skylar couldn’t help but laugh, shaking his head too. “That is fucking genius. How sick Brandon is aside, this is epic. I agree, Merlin did this deliberately. But knowing Merl as we all do, it wouldn’t have come as a light decision for him. He would’ve stressed himself stupid deciding to take the leap. We all know that. Meaning, he’s probably going to be a fucking mess and then some when he’s out of surgery. And most of what I’m reading here online is positive. People are flying the rainbow flag hard as fuck for Brandon. But a lot of people still think he’s died. I hope someone corrects that, it’s an awful rumour to have out there. Okay, here’s an entire thread on Reddit speculating where and when they got married. I think you’re right, J. He picked pics with the rings.”
“Any live betting pools? We could make ourselves some quick cash by throwing Cape Cod in the ring as an option,” Layla mumbled, frowning. “Planned or not, all this shit online seem to be forgetting Brandon’s seriously sick with cancer. There’s a lot of grey area between healthy and deceased. I hope his family aren’t reading all that shit.”
“He hasn’t got any family,” Tori reminded her softly. “But what about that sweet man and lady that were at the wedding, the folks they took the road trip to see when they started dating? Please tell me they don’t have the internet.”
“Top favourite locations seem to be Vegas or Mexico,” Skylar threw in.
Wesley snorted, rubbing his aching head tiredly. “Merl would never do either of those. In any other situation, he’d be laughing his ass off at this whole thing. He was still in surgery last I heard. Damo’s gonna let me know when he’s out. But he didn’t do well with the anesthetic he had last time, so it might take time for him to recover. I dunno what’s supposed to happen after, if they put the bone marrow straight into Brandon or what. It’s a shitstorm up there right now and all of it happening behind a wall of security. Brandon’s in the ICU but only family are allowed to be in with him, so Merlin and Jaxson. Merlin’s family by default because they’re now Brandon’s family. Jesse and Damo are with him while Merl has his surgery. I don’t think Norm and Joan look at much shit on the internet. I doubt they use social media. I was with Merl when he was arranging for them to come to the wedding. He posted everything to them in the mail.”
“Guys, Brandon might die,” Sasha soon offered quietly when the true reality of this whole situation set in. “That’s why he did it. He doesn’t think Brandon’s going to make it.”
“What do we do?” Cassidy asked helplessly, breaking into more tears. Merlin was her ex, sure, but they had become such close friends after they decided they weren’t meant to be dating. He had helped her through so much leading up to her gender-confirmation surgery and in the wake of it. She felt like she should be returning the favour but the helplessness of the situation was painful.
“We can’t do anything. I can’t even do anything and he’s literally been my best friend our whole lives. He can’t do anything. That’s the hardest fucking part of all. He can’t do anything to ensure Brandon survives. The bone marrow thing? He ain’t even got hope left for that. Lachlan was totally honest that it was a real slim chance now because B’s body is just weak and giving up. I don’t think he’s gonna have a whole lotta fucks to give about how anyone’s reacting to his Instagram post. Maybe that’s why he did it. It all seems so fucking pointless and stupid if Braden dies. Like… do you even think about Justin’s fans when something happens to him, wondering what their thoughts or opinions are?” Wesley asked, gesturing to Sasha with his phone. He knew Sasha had gone to see Merlin and offered his support because he knew what it was like to care for a sick partner. Sasha was the one who would have at least an inkling of what Merlin was facing because he had to face losing Justin to suicide multiple times.
Sasha was quiet for a few lingering moments, wetting his lips. He looked at Justin and cupped his hand to Justin’s cheek, kissing his hair like he needed the reminder he was still here. “No. It’s impossible to think of anyone but Justin. You don’t even think about yourself. You’re barely hanging on. There’s not a single part of that side of Justin’s life I think about when he’s badly sick. It might sound harsh, but I really don’t fucking care about them when it’s all happening. But… there are strategies in place if things take a bad turn so I don’t have to worry about anything that doesn’t matter. I think maybe Merlin’s post is proof they have strategies too. He hasn’t posted anything like that before. I don’t think it’s an accident, even if it totally seems like one. He’s claimed Brandon’s power over himself back when it’s impossible for him to do it himself. That’s… really fucking priceless.”
Justin closed his eyes as he listened, taking in all the information bouncing around him. He didn’t say anything for a long while because what he was thinking about was giving him a headache. But he knew what he had to do here. “Okay, um… Brandon’s PR? They’re here? I need to talk to them. Like, as soon as possible. It sounds like they need a, um…” He paused, clearing his throat. “They need a decoy. Fuck it. If you can get me a name or number, Wes, that’d be great.”
“Jus, no,” Sasha jumped in with a frown, shaking his head when his protective hackles immediately shot up when he heard what Justin said. “That’s not… no. Make someone else do it.”
“Who else? It needs to be someone already here or the press will put two and two together really fucking quickly.” Justin had been in the business long enough now to know how things worked. He had people act in a decoy capacity for him many times. It was time to pay it forward in return. “It’s okay. Better they know about me than Brandon right now. My shit ain’t exactly unexpected. Shit will hit the fan with Merlin’s post regardless. But it doesn’t need to hit the fan for them here. Let them keep guessing about his location. They both need and deserve their privacy right now. Especially if he ain’t going to make it. Anyway, Dad’ll already be here by now. He can orchestrate it all, he’s their attorney too.”
Wesley blinked, looking between Justin and Sasha. “Wait, what am I missing here? You mean, like a decoy where someone runs out dressed as a giant chicken so all the cameras turn in their direction or something? I don’t get it.”
Cassidy bit her lower lip, watching Justin in concern. “Maybe sacrificing your own privacy isn’t the best idea right now, though…”
“My vote’s for the dude in the chicken suit,” Skylar agreed quietly. He had been Justin’s friend long enough now to fear his own health and wellbeing when he was sick. This was a new type of sick. Not that he didn’t want Merlin and Brandon protected too. It was a cruel situation. “You want everyone to know all this, J?”
“No, he doesn’t,” Sasha snapped.
Justin took Sasha’s hand. “Baby, it’s okay. It ain’t like I need to run out there in a chicken suit. It’s not anything like that. It’s not a literal decoy. It’s a PR tactic. Get the people watching to look in another direction until the heat dies down in another. They just need people to look in another direction in the hospital so they’re not looking for Brandon and Merlin here. Brandon could be anywhere. Merlin’s post doesn’t mention anything about location. They just need a few days until Merlin can figure out what decisions he wants to make. No one’s going to be surprised to hear I’m in hospital recovering from a relapse. Then all they need is to print a few words from me saying I haven’t spoken to Merlin but I hope he’s holding up through the stressful time. If they need to say more about my… shit, then we’ll figure it out when it comes. Sash, baby, I just… would you have wanted Andi to die with the spotlight glaring on her? Would you want me to? I just want to help. I know what it feels like.”
“Merlin’s got a huge fanbase himself. Trust me, I copped so much hate when I first stepped in to cover his role. I wasn’t Merlin enough to play Willard. Lucky for me, I know how theatre works and I never saw it as me stealing his place. I’m just keeping it warm for him until he comes back. But he’s got passionate fans. Some of them are probably celebrating right now that he’s with Brandon probably without realising Merlin’s message clearly indicates Brandon’s life’s on the line.I bet his fans who know he’s pan will be over the moon,” Tori guessed. He and Merlin had become good friends since they started working together. Even when Merlin had to go away to London after he discovered he was adopted to work and train on the West End over there, he and Tori kept in touch about the role and became mates. And having lost his sister to leukemia, Tori knew what he was going through. “Andi never wanted to be kept alive on machines either. You get that sick that your body starts to give out, resus and life support is a massive trauma. But Brandon’s not terminal, he has a chance.”
Wesley listened to Tori with a tiny frown, trying to process what he was saying but his brain felt like it had a sick sore fog hanging in it. “I don’t get y’all famous people life. It sounds fucking exhausting and stressful. He’s got fans who’ve always wanted him to be gay, though. They shipped him with Justin when he first got the job. I remember Merl laughing ‘cause Justin ain’t been single and Merl didn’t know he was queer back then either. It’s kinda gross they’d be thinking that shit right now, but then again, no one knows the real story about B, do they? They dunno how sick he really is. They probably just think he’s somewhere getting a bit of chemo and still getting around like super smoking hot star he’s always been. When was the last time he was seen in public?”
Noah took his phone out and Googled Brandon’s name to see the latest news on him. “Shit, speculation’s totally blown up about him but after all this latest stuff, the last he was spotted was with Merlin in Cape Cod. No one could see who Merlin was but looks like they’ve connected the dots now. Before that, the paparazzi pics of him with Autumn and throwing up in the alley that day. Latest official sighting of him was months ago, before he announced he had cancer.” He did a quick search on Merlin’s fan accounts to see what his fans were saying. “Well, the ones who ain’t still shipping him with Cas, they’re all rioting over him dating, engaged, or married to Brandon. Jeezuz, fans are nuts. I dunno how y’all do it, Justin.”
“It’s work. You tune it out. When I’m not meeting with fans performing, I switch it off and let my team deal with it all. I couldn’t do it without the protections around me. Which is why I wanna help them. It’s different for me. Really different. My folks constantly have their fingers on the pulse so I’ve got all the right help and support I need to be able to do it. This is new for Brandon and Merlin. They ain’t got those supports. And it’s true, fans can be fucking nuts and they don’t give a fuck about your privacy until you force their hand to respect it. They don’t need to know what’s happening with Brandon. It’s probably best they don’t. My shit will come out eventually anyway.” Justin rubbed his eyes, scrunching his face up. “If I’ve got to change my tour or figure out how to get back to working while I’m on dialysis or whatever the fuck. I just wanna help them. That’s all.”
Sasha wet his lips, fussing over Justin’s covers for a moment. “Guys, do you think you could let us talk about this alone for a bit? Sorry. I don’t mean to…” He didn’t really know what he was apologising for. Maybe it was pulling rank as Justin’s fiancé but it was more just because this whole issue was far more complex than Justin wanting to help Merlin and Brandon. “Sorry.”
None of their friends minded. Justin gave Cas a faint smile when she gave him a gentle hug and kiss on the cheek. Skylar gave him a pat on the back and everyone else waved as they filtered out of his room to leave him and Sasha alone. Once they were alone again and Sasha came back to the bed after closing the door to give them privacy to talk, Justin took his hand, slipping his fingers through Sasha’s. He closed his eyes, bringing their joined hands up to his forehead. “If he dies…”
“I know, baby.” Sasha kissed Justin’s forehead and then rested his cheek against his hair. “I don’t want you to do anything until Merlin knows about it. That’s all. Once you put it out there, you can’t take it back. You’re not well. You’re better but you’re not through this. He would want want you risking a relapse. But I know why you want to help. I do. You didn’t want anyone knowing about this.”
“Because I fucking hate myself for it, okay?” Justin couldn’t do this without getting upset but he did his best to fight of bursting into tears. “But maybe I can use my fuck up to help some friends I love and really care about when they’re literally going through hell. It’s never gonna be a shock to anyone to hear I attempted again. Something good can come from it.”
Sasha shook his head. “That’s not true,” he said quietly, lowering his gaze. “It’s always a shock to me. Probably just as much a shock as Merlin got with Brandon crashing. You don’t get used to shit like this. I don’t know if I can handle your pain and struggles being reduced to a decoy. Because I don’t see any of it as a fuck up. I see it as real as an illness as Andi or Brandon’s cancer. Your life is just as much at risk. What you’re going through right now is private and it doesn’t need to be put out there as a decoy.”
Justin went quiet and tried to snuggle closer to Sasha, needing the comfort and knowing Sasha needed it too. “I don’t wanna talk about any of this yet. That’s not what I meant. I don’t want all my shit spilled. I couldn’t cope with it. I can barely process what’s happening. I just… it’s just to avert the gaze and the heat from Merlin for a really short time until he’s through his procedure and back in control. At least, as much control as he can have with something like this. Which probably feels like none at all. Just to give him a moment to breathe, that’s all.”
“Are you going to be okay? I know that’s a stupid question because you never know how you’ll really be with anything but I still need to ask.” Sasha brushed his hand over Justin’s hair and was fussing over his covers again. “It’s Merlin’s job to protect Brandon but it’s my job to protect you.”
“It’s probably better we put something out there anyway. Kill two birds with one stone. I’ve always said I’d try to be honest when my bipolar screws me over. Everything’s just hazy around it all. I know I was up and down but I thought I was okay. I was too busy to realise otherwise, maybe. I don’t always know, which sounds so fucked up. People think suicide’s so fucking intentional and conscious. Like everyone who does it makes this massive decision to die. Most of the time, I fucking wake up and don’t even realise what happened or when the feelings and thoughts started to come back. There was no trigger. It doesn’t always need a trigger…” Justin mumbled, his fingers tightening a little around Sasha’s while he tried to reason some of this out. “But the world knows my deal. What’s the point of hiding from it when I can help someone?”
Sasha cupped Justin’s cheek in his palm and gave him a soft, slow kiss. “Okay. Then I’ve got your back, baby. But we take it a tiny step at a time, so we know what’s going on and you’re prepared. I’ll send your dad a text and let him know you want to talk to him but then you’ve got to get some rest. You can barely keep your eyes open.”
“I’m not feeling very well,” Justin admitted, not even trying to open his eyes again now Sasha had called him out on it. “I’m gonna try to sleep.”
Sasha pressed the button to lower the head of the bed so Justin could sleep. He made sure he was comfortable on his side and the covers were tucked around him. He settled in behind Justin to cuddle him while he got some rest, taking his phone out to shoot Mark a quick text. He was worried and he could feel his anxiety levels bubbling away again but Justin would always do Justin and that was one of the biggest reasons why he loved him. But it was also one of the biggest reasons why he had to take care of him. As much as he wanted to wrap him in bubble wrap and lock him away, that was never going to be an option. He settled into a rhythm of stroking Justin’s hair while he slept, hoping like hell that Brandon had the strength to hold onto that tiny hope of survival.
LOG, COMPLETE