Jaxson Valteri Colt (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
photoflashes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-11-29 04:30 am
photoflashes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-11-29 04:30 am
"Promise me this world, and the afterlife."
Who: Jaxson Colt and Brandon Blake
What: Backup Plan
Where: Oncology, Mount Sinai
When: After this
“Jesus fucking H Christ, you’re alive. Thank fucking god, holy fuck,” Jaxson greeted Brandon when a nurse ushered him into the isolation room after he had to put on gloves, a hat, a mask, a cap, and these booty things over his shoes. He had to take a shower in some special antibacterial solution, but once he was in the room with Brandon, he could take the mask off. He came over to Brandon’s bedside, close to tears. “You woke up. Shit. How the hell did you convince Merlin to take a break? It’s okay. You don’t have to talk. I didn’t mean to throw shit at you. Fucking hell…”
He braced his hands on the rails of the bed and took a deep breath. Then he leaned over and carefully gave Brandon a soft hug, kissing the top of his head where he was wearing a silk bandana. How scared he had been waiting for news that Brandon had passed away wasn’t something he would say out loud to Brandon, but the relief was dizzying to see him awake. He looked like hell, like he had fought a hundred battles, but he was still Brandon. He took Brandon’s hand, brushing his thumb over his knuckles. “How’s it feeling? Sick? Pain? I’m here, okay? Whatever Merlin was doing, I’m here as his proxy until he comes back…”
“Alive… ish. Does that cut it? Sorry, my brain feels fucked. I practically had to flay him with emotional blackmail to get him to go. Feel fucking terrible for it too. I hate seeing him like that. He hasn’t been sleeping or eating. He’s so messed up. Thank fuck Jess stepped in. Thanks for being here. He wouldn’t have gone otherwise,” Brandon mumbled, trying not to get himself stressed again and cause his blood pressure to drop. He desperately hoped there weren’t any complications. Merlin needed the rest and the break.
Jaxson sat, exhaling heavily. He still kept hold of Brandon’s hand. “Yeah, mate. You seriously terrified the shit out of us all. Like, nearly carking it is right up there on everyone’s lists of awful. But none of us more than Merlin. As much as I’m your BFF and have known you for fucking ages, he’s your husband. And he fucking loves you so much, he’s absolutely terrified of you dying. No matter how much he probably promised you had had it all in hand, he didn’t. He was never going to, mate. None of us did. It felt like the end. I don’t think any of us were expecting you to wake up. He has been a mess, I’ve heard. I haven’t spoken to him directly since the day you crashed and he had to make those calls. He hasn’t left your side and I’m going to bet that needing to now is fucking killing him. But I’m glad I could be backup. I promised him I would but I think he’s just wanted to do it himself, you know? I can’t blame him. He’s been thinking your days were numbered.”
Brandon nodded but the more he moved, the more he was realising every single muscle and bone in him was aching. He had been talking to Tara and Lachlan a little earlier after they had a case conference with Merlin so he could be reassured in going home for a couple of nights with his family. He was in incredible amounts of pain and he constantly felt like he needed to throw up but there was nothing there to come out. “I know and I wish it hadn’t happened or that I could promise everyone this wasn’t the end but… it feels like it. I… I can’t even explain how bad I feel, it’s that bad. It’s not like any sick or pain I’ve ever had before. It’s this… whole other level that no one should ever fucking feel. Fucking cancer. I hate that I can’t promise my husband I’ll be okay. I wake up to him looking like hell, sounding like he’s about to have a breakdown. It breaks my fucking heart.” He swallowed heavily, trying to blink away tears.
That awful sensation like ice water tipped down your back coupled with a kick in the guts hit Jaxson when Brandon said it felt like the end for him. He couldn’t imagine how that felt. He could see the pain written all over him, he could hear it in his voice which was little more than a scratchy whisper. He took in all the tubes feeding into Brandon, having no clue what they were but he didn’t doubt there was plenty of strong medication for pain and feeling sick. But maybe there wasn’t a lot that could help. “I think he’s already had a breakdown, buddy. The day you checked out and he had to make the decisions, he was in a really bad way. I talk to Liam a lot when he comes to see Pax. Merlin seems to have hit rock bottom but he’s still trying to run on empty. Liam said you can’t keep that up. You have to sleep and eat to keep up the energy it takes to fuel stress and worry. I know you’d rather have him here but giving him a bit of a break was the best call.” He patted the back of Brandon’s hand softly. “Are they giving you meds to at least take the edge off the pain?”
“Mm. Dosed up to the fucking eyeballs, man. Still agony. He said… you’re with Paxton now? Like, legit relationship and all. That he’s doing better but, like, complications or something? How is he? Tell me about it. I wanna hear all about it. Can’t be easy, so I get it… would’ve been a huge decision for you. I can’t remember if you said you dated in Oz. Sorry. All the chemo’s fucked with my memory.” Brandon gave Jaxson a faint smile. “Back when we were kids, when we first met… became best mates… we could never have seen this as a possible end, huh?”
Jaxson shook his head with a little laugh, feeling that tickle of emotion in his throat like he was close to crying. “No, because we were dumb kids and thought we were invincible. At least for a bit… until we started to open up to each other more about what we went through. How we both ended up adopted. Did you know Paxton’s adopted too? That means you and both were, and we’ve fallen for guys who both were too. It’s nuts. I would never have picked you to be one to get cancer, though. You hardly ever got sick. I was always the one getting man flu or puke bugs. You didn’t even get chicken pox when Ves and I had them. Remember? Mom told you not to come around for three weeks. You told me later how miserable and lonely you felt. Like, way later.”
He looked at Brandon’s hand when he noticed how cold it felt. “How come you’ve got tape around your wedding ring? Has something happened to your finger? Things with Pax are… well, well, they’re complicated. He can’t walk. There’s some neurological damage causing it but they don’t know if it’s temporary. He also had awful vertigo. He can’t be up for too long but his doctor says medication can help. There’s some blurry vision on and off and difficult recalling certain words. It could be a long road ahead. I think I would’ve completely lost my shit if I didn’t have Pax to focus on. We’ve gotten close. Everything you said about dating and finding someone special? Totally en-pointe.”
Brandon had a slight laugh at that. “Figured that wasn’t something you’d know until you had it yourself. Like I never really believed in it until I met Merlin. Doesn’t even have to be a whole fucking hearts and roses situation either. We’re pretty much case in point that it can happen in the most fucked up situations too. Did your folks go back to Oz? Merlin told me he brought a freaking farm house in New Jersey so Norm and Jean could be close-ish. I didn’t want anyone to have to put their life on hold for me.” He had a look at his finger with the tape wrapped around it. “It doesn’t fit me. I’ve lost so much weight. They gave it to Merlin after I crashed and he wore it. When we tried it back on, it slipped right off. I want it on, though. This fucking thing’s robbed me of everything else, I at least want to be able to keep my wedding ring on. I’m sorry about Pax. I know how terrifying it was for you to see him sick like that. So, not being able to walk might be permanent? Is he still in here? Fuck, I wouldn’t wish being stuck in here on anyone.”
“You look like absolute shit, mate. Like, jesus fuck… I was trying to prepare myself to come in here and see you, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad. Shit, you know me. I’ve never dealt well with the hard stuff. I’m just so fucking concious of how much time we lost right now…” Jaxson had to pause to take a breath before he answered Brandon’s questions. Everything was overwhelming and so much to get his head around. He realised the carefree fuck-it-all days of their friendship were over… for now. If there was a chance Brandon survived and went into remission, getting better, Jaxson wanted to make sure they rebuilt their friendship like the good ol’ days. But he knew neither of them would be the same person as they were back then.
His eyes were back on Brandon’s wedding ring, wondering what it felt like to be married and have a ring on your finger you didn’t want to take off. It sounded nice, but something he never considered before. Then again, he knew Brandon hadn’t either, until Merlin offered to marry him in case he died so they could have those memories. He had to rein in his emotions so he didn’t keep upsetting Brandon. “Mom and Dad had to get back home but Ves took leave from work to stick around here. Can you believe she’s actually thinking about moving here? She said seeing you at your wedding made her take stock of her whole life. Pax is still in here but he hates it. He’s going to have a lot of rehab ahead of him but he can get it on an outpatients basis if we can get him home. Actually, that’s something I wanted to talk to you about…”
Brandon blinked slowly with a nod. “Yeah, yeah. I can only imagine I look like something from the Night of the Living Dead. Jax, it’s alright, bud. I know this is fucking awful and confronting. I’ve been readying myself for that for months, knowing it’s going to be painful for everyone to deal with. I don’t anyone to feel they’ve gotta hide their feelings from me in case it upsets me. This is… it’s fucking upsetting. That’s an understatement. I might die. It feels like I am. Feels like my body’s given up completely. There’s a hell of a lot to regret but don’t stick there. I want you to remember our good times, all of them. Give that your energy. That’s all I want, good memories for y’all. And I want you to take care of Merlin for me. Make sure he’s safe and protected if I… after all this. I know he will be, I just need to make sure…” He closed his eyes and put his fingers to his lips, choking up on emotion but he didn’t have the strength to cry again. “Yeah? So, shoot… you want to take him home to my place or something? Ves is fucking nuts. She can’t uproot her whole life.”
“Fucking hell…” Jaxson choked out, turning his face away when he couldn’t stop more tears falling. Brandon was so convinced he was going to die and that was fucking terrifying, because he was speaking honestly and he felt like he was dying. That was really hard to process. What if Brandon did die while he was in here and Merlin wasn’t? He felt himself start to shake all over. He knew Brandon, though. He wouldn’t want to get locked on only this. “Sorry, I just need a minute.”
He nursed his forehead in his head, eyes on the crisp white sheet. He understood why Merlin felt so sick with all this because he had a faint nausea sloshing in his gut too, along with a tension headache developing all of a sudden. “She is fucking nuts, but you know how she gets when she gets her mind on something. She said hearing about you and Merlin, that your both adopted, and learning about Paxton, it gave her work even more meaning. She also said you have pretty much the most epic group of friends in the universe and she wants a piece of the action. How the hell did you guess that, mate? But yeah, that’s it. His place has stairs and it’s a share-house, you know? Merlin suggested we move in with you guys because your place is huge and other than your master suite and an entertaining area at the back, it’s on one level. Plus, you have an indoor heated pool, which Pax could do hydrotherapy in. But I know you. You like your own space and you already have Wes living there and you asked me to stay. And you’re still relatively new with Merlin, so you’ll be going from living on your own to have all us crash. If you recover and they let you out of here, you’ll want your own space.”
Brandon put his hand on Jaxson’s shoulder, patting it softly. It was hard seeing the people he loved upset like this but it was necessary. No one needed to push away their emotions. They would just make it harder on themselves later. “Merlin’s friends. They just adopted me by default. And Autumn’s, really. She’s the reason all this happened, she reconnected me with Merlin, Jesse being her brother. I’m so fucking lucky. They’ve all given me so much love and meaning in what might be the end of my life. Otherwise, pretty sure I would’ve died alone. I wouldn’t have gone public with any of this. I fully planned to just let it all hit if I died, game over. Merlin changed my world, gave it meaning again.” He looked at Jaxson quietly, hearing him try to talk himself out of all this. “Dude, shut up. Like, fucking seriously. None of that is me anymore. You should both move in. Merlin’s right, the place is fucking huge. We should use it to help the people we love. Do it, let them make any changes you need for disability access too. Take the empty guest wing and get it made wheelchair accessible. I’ll pay. Get Montana to sort it all. Take him home, get him out of here. You both deserve it. What’s the fucking point of any of what I’ve done if I can’t help the people I love when they need it?”
“How shitty of me is it to ask you not to die?” Maybe Jaxson was breaking all the rules with that but it was the truth. Brandon was talking as if he was on his way out and Jaxson didn’t want it to be real. “Are you sure about this? I mean, you haven’t even actually met Pax, have you? Then again, your other half’s brother is his best mate, so it’s not like he’s a rando that’s going to spill all your secrets. I just know everything’s hanging by a wire for you at the moment and Merlin’s not in a good place. But if it’s really okay, I think I’d do just about anything to get him out of here so he can breathe. It’s going to be full-on, though. I’ve never taken care of someone before. Liam might rip my nuts off if I fuck it up.”
“Ask away. I can’t make any promises, though. Don’t worry. That stuff doesn’t freak me out. I’m trying, dude. I really am. If you promise to help take care of Merlin if I go, I don’t care if you turn my place into fucking Disneyland. I mean, please don’t. If I get out of here, I want to sleep in my bed for, like, six months. I don’t need to have met him yet. That Liam trusts him and you’ve fallen in love with him is enough for me. Plus, he was sweet with Merlin while he was in London, so I know he’s a good guy. You won’t fuck it up. It won’t be easy but you’re not as useless as you think you are with this shit. You’ll be fine. Just be there for him and understand that being sick and in pain to the point you’re incapacitated is fucking awful. There’ll be bad days. Keep holding on with the bad days, even if you feel like you’re fucking it up or useless…” Brandon closed his eyes through a wave of pain, knowing that the only reason he and Merlin were still strong and fighting this together was because Merlin held on through the worst, when Brandon didn’t have the strength to do it. “Tell me about him. What made you fall in love? And don’t fucking try to deny that bit. I can tell, you’ve fallen for him.”
Jaxson put his hand over Brandon’s rubbing it softly when he saw he was suffering. Brandon was a shadow of his former self and there was no doubt he was seriously sick and his body was close to giving up. But he was still fighting and Jaxson was glad Merlin trusted him enough to be backup when he needed a breather from the isolation room to recalibrate with his family. “Well, it’s… you’ll probably understand this stuff because when I first came to you place that day, I could see Merlin was your total hands-on carer… meaning, he helped you with all the most intimate and vulnerable stuff. He cleaned you up when you spewed, he helped you go to the toilet and stuck close to make sure you wouldn’t pass out in there and smash your head open. He helped you shower and dress. I’ve kind of been there for Paxton with the same sort of stuff and he’s okay with it. It strips most of the relationship stuff right back and I think it makes up both vulnerable and… well… with you so sick too and Paxton possibly never regaining the use of his legs or might have other issues long-term, we haven’t been taking anything for granted. The more he gets treatment, the more he feels a little better so we’ve been talking and he’s able to joke a little. I don’t know, I guess being such a raw and terrifying situation, it changes a relationship dynamic. I think that’s what I was seeing with you and Merlin when I first got to NYC.”
“Oh, yeah, dude. For sure. And all that shit, it’s not easy. It took a lot for me to let myself be vulnerable with Merlin and even then, I fought it. I got trashed on our roadtrip and he called me out on my bullshit. Then when we were in Idaho and I had those fucking awful complications, I couldn’t resist any of it. Like, I was so sick, I couldn’t stop puking and I lost control of my bowels. It was bad as hell. Fucking awful. And he got me through it like a fucking angel. Then it continued more and more after that. Sometimes I need help getting to the bathroom and it’s literally a nightmare being so weak and useless. Modesty goes out the window. But I got used to it, you know? It made us closer and stronger. Like, nothing will bring you closer more than being cuddled on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night when you’re so sick, you’ve got no control over either end and he keeps reminding you you’re not alone and it’s okay. I think I’d be an utter mess if our positions were switched…” Brandon looked at Jaxson quietly with a faint smile. “If you can get through that sort of thing in the early days, you can get through anything. Even when the worst of the worst is in front of you. Never in a million fucking years could I have seen myself in this place. Not even talking cancer. I mean love, marriage, not going life alone.”
Jaxson chewed his lip, rubbing his forehead with his fingertips. “So, do you think I can do it? Take care of Pax how he needs me to? Knowing I have no real relationship experiences and even less experience looking after anyone who is sick. He thought I didn’t trust him in a way, because I wasn’t letting myself be vulnerable around him. I was kind of bottling everything up. I wasn’t dealing well. He called me out on it and I’m glad he did, so I could see it all from his perspective and he was right. I was wanting him to be vulnerable with me and trust me to look after him but I wasn’t giving him the same in return. But the reality is, other than my folks and my sister, you’re the only one I’ve ever been that vulnerable with. It was terrifying me. All that stuff, I’m okay with now. Even the puking, believe it or not. I’ve weathered against it, I think. I just don’t want to tell him I can do all that and fuck it all up.”
Brandon pressed his lips together, holding Jaxson’s gaze. “Million dollar question, man. How can anyone know how to do that shit if they’ve never done it before? I didn’t. Not even fucking close. What I do know is that I’ve met a lot of people who do it, care for a partner who is sick. They’ve all told me it strengthens their relationship because it’s sink or swim and honestly, that’s what it’s been with Merlin and me. Just… way more of me sinking and him not knowing how to swim lately, I think.” He looked down at his arms, everything feeding into them, and became aware of other devices and wires attached to his body. It all felt so real and raw. This might be how he spent his last days on earth. “Worth it, though. Falling in love, everything’s worth it. If you know and respect it’s not gonna be easy, you’ll be fine. Worrying you’re gonna suck tells me you know that. Just deal with the big stuff together, don’t shut each other out.”
Jaxson had taken up a gentle rhythm of rubbing Brandon’s hands, like he somehow had to keep reassuring him he was there and wasn’t alone. He didn’t know if it helped. Probably absolutely nothing helped Brandon feel better at this point but it couldn’t hurt either, unless Brandon told him it did actually hurt because his skin was so sensitive from the treatment, and he would stop. “Have you and Merlin talked since you woke up? I can’t even imagine how it would be, knowing it might be the end and time might be almost out. Merlin pretty much withdrew from even texting anyone because it was too much too keep up with but I know through Liam that he hasn’t been holding up well. But who would? Fucking seriously, who would? There’s probably been a whole lot of folk worried about you physically but how are you emotionally? You’re doing a good job putting up a front worrying about the rest of us. Or you’re just too wiped out to think about anything more.”
Brandon closed his eyes, not able to speak at first. It was hard to be hit with a wave of emotions while you were already feeling so much sickness and pain. He had a look for his bottle of water and when Jaxson realised what he was looking for, he held it for him to take a few sips from the straw. “I… I’ve been scared to say that I’m… I’m suicidal.” He gave a slight nod, almost like hearing the words out loud sounded as ridiculous as it should. “Makes me a fucking ungrateful cunt, right? No one knows what this is like to live through. But how can I even say that to my husband who’s given everything to save me? I can’t switch it off, though. This isn’t living. I’m stuck somewhere between living and dying and I’m in so much fucking pain. The only thing stopping me asking anyone to help me go is I don’t wanna leave that on anyone. So, no. I haven’t talked to him about any of this. I just wanted him to get home to his family to have a break so I can take care of him how he needs.”
“No, it makes you human, mate. I don’t know how you’re doing it. Something’s keeping you going and I can’t lie, I’m fucking glad. But I don’t think anyone could blame you for the psychological and mental toll it’s taking. I don’t even blame you for not wanting to keep going like this. It makes me feel sick that you have to feel it and I can’t help in any way, but I’m here. I’m not going to lecture you that you should tell Merlin because he’s your husband and that’s the right thing to do. How can any of us know the fucking right thing? It’s not us, it’s you.” Jaxson put the bottle of water aside and resting his hand on Brandon’s shoulder. “Do you feel like if you had the strength and means, you’d try to do it? I’m just asking because I want you to be safe and you might need help from a psych or something. No one would blame you if you did. I think Merlin would understand, B. It’d probably make him feel sick and scared, but he’s lived this with you closer than anyone else, I don’t think you can hurt him more telling him. I know you want him to rest and have a breather, and that’s okay. He’s getting that. But think about telling him? Just think about it.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this. I won’t. I won’t do that Merlin. Also don’t have the strength to move or get up.” Brandon closed his eyes with a sigh, that incredible exhaustion overtaking him, making him feel like even speaking too more energy than he had left anymore. He knew talking about this wouldn’t be easy. “Makes me feel like a fucking fraud in here. All these people fighting cancer to try to live, some not making it, and they’re help me, doing everything they can because I’ve got the cash and the connections, things some people out there will never be able to afford and will die because of it. But I’m in here, feeling like I can’t keep living. How is that fair?”
Jaxson wondered if he would ever get a chance when all this was over, if Brandon survived, to tell him how much he was packing it in this moment. For some reason, him dying of suicide felt more of a real possibility than dying of cancer, and he didn’t even know why. He knew in this moment, his best friend needed him more than he ever had anytime before this. He couldn’t fuck it up. “That was when you were on your road trip, yeah? Do you want to tell me about it? I don’t know if it’ll help but if you want to, I’m here for you. What I think it shows is that cancer has pushed you to the limit and I think depression’s inevitable. I don’t think that just because you’re loaded, it invalidates your grief. You don’t have to be in the worst situation to be grieving about being this sick. I don’t even know how you still have fight in you. Maybe you don’t. Maybe this is proof you just don’t anymore, no matter how much you love us all. We know you do. That doesn’t take away your pain either.”
Brandon gave a little shrug. “I don’t even really know clearly where my head was back then but, yeah, I did it. Took an overdose of my pain pills. It was… I guess impulsive is the word. There wasn’t a lead up, I didn’t realise I felt suicidal. Just work up in the middle of the night in awful pain and feeling sick. It got too much. And fuck, I wasn’t near as sick then as I am now. Once I took the pills, I scared myself and panicked. Stuck my fingers down my throat to make myself puke them up. They talked to me a lot about associated depression. I just never expected to feel it this late. I thought I’d, like, come to peace with dying. This isn’t peace. I wish he never asked me to remove the DNR. I can’t tell him this, Jax. He’s fighting so hard for me. It’ll just worry him even more.”
“Yeah, I reckon it really will. But it’s going to hurt him way more if you try to hurt yourself at any point and he didn’t know. Not telling him might be making you feel worse too, imposing that pressure on yourself to bottle it up. One of his closest mates is suicidal, he’s going to understand. Mate, he didn’t marry you just because you might be running out of time. He married you because he loves you and wants to be here for you for all the bad stuff you were facing when you got worse and worse. Can they give you antidepressants? You used to take them when you were younger. I know it was for different stuff but I remember when you started them because they made you pretty sick at first and you stayed at our place. You didn’t want your parents to know you were taking them.” Some parts of their younger friendship was still clear as a bell to Jaxson, even if Brandon was a completely different person now. Fame hadn’t innately changed him but he had more walls up and he had developed more cynicism and determination for privacy. His fans were still shitfighting on his fan pages about what was happening to him now because he hadn’t been seen in public since the fuzzy fansighting photo in Cape Cod. No further statement had come after Merlin outed him either. It was for the best.
“I’m on something. I guess they could up the dose or something. Merlin knows that much. Tara started me on them when she took over my case. Can’t believe you still remember that stuff. Your mom made you and Ves go to school and I stayed home with her. She was sweet. She was always sweet taking care of me. You all were. How do they feel about Ves wanting to move here?” Brandon wasn’t trying to change the subject, he just didn’t think much would change to stick on the one topic. He needed a distraction and he needed to talk, but not just about the fact he had been feeling suicidal since he regained consciousness. “I’m not changing the subject. I just don’t have the answers yet.”
“That’s okay. I’m not here to push you one way or another. I just want to make sure you can talk to me about it all if you need, and that I won’t just try to fling idealistic fixes at you. That’s not how we roll, it never has been. We can talk about anything you want. Anything at all.” Jaxson offered Brandon some more water. One thing the doctor told him was Brandon’s throat was dry and raw from ventilation tube so they wanted to keep him sipping water if he could so he didn’t have any bleeding in his throat, which could turn into more hemorrhaging. “If they had a choice, I’m sure they would wish us all - including you - could be together. But they’re not surprised she wants to after we’ve reunited with you and they know how sick you are. At the end of the day, she’s Ves. She’ll do what the fuck she wants anyway and she’s completely independent. Not to mention, she wants to be involved now I’m dating and maybe helping out there if she can. She just thinks here is where she needs to be right now.”
Brandon wondered if he should get Jax to text Merlin to check on him but he really hoped Merlin was getting some sleep if he had his parents and his brothers on his case. Liam had written him a script for something to help him sleep but knowing Merlin, he probably wouldn’t take it because he would stress Brandon might die while he was asleep and he wouldn’t be here. The awful part was, Brandon couldn’t promise him it wouldn’t happen. He didn’t think he could have more water without being sick, so he just decline with a small wave of his fingers. Silence lingered for a bit and he watched Jaxson’s face, so much going through his mind. “If I didn’t have cancer, would you still be pissed at me for not contacting you?”
The question confused Jaxson at first and this showed on his face because he could catch his reaction. “Pissed?” he asked, genuinely confused. “I was never pissed at you. Not even when it first happened. I was hurt and my ego too a beating. Sad and embarrassed, maybe. I thought you were pissed at me. At first, I was kind of like… well, my feelings were hurt so I didn’t want to make the first move. I convinced myself it should be you. Then when it didn’t happen, I thought you hated me and blamed me for fucking up the friendship. The more time that passed, the easier it was to appease myself that I just fucked up the best friendship I ever had and lost you for good. But I guess I wouldn’t have come if you weren’t sick because I wouldn’t have thought there was any reason for the situation to change. I always thought if you wanted me as your friend, you’d let me know. Mostly, it just felt like you outgrew me and didn’t have room for me in your life anymore. And when I first came back to the States and realised you had Merlin, I felt more of that. But I’m not here out of some misguided sense of obligation. I don’t know, mate… you do have cancer, so I don’t know what would’ve happened. But I wasn’t pissed at you.”
“Ves told me you were. So, if this is all just putting up a front because you’re scared these might me your last words to me before I drop dead, quit it. I’m trying to be real here so neither of us have regrets if that happens. I know we can’t get back lost time but we can at least talk real about what happened.” Brandon closed his eyes, holding up his hand. “Hang on, I don’t know if I’m gonna hurl.”
Jaxson got up and made sure Brandon had one of those ever-present sick bags in his hand. Guy could have shares in the company that made them, or a paid partnership on Instagram with them. He could just imagine the selfies - Brandon hunched over ralphing onto one of them with a thumbs-up and caption reading #barfing #bestspewever #chemtoftw “I’m not going to take it personally that just as we hit the difficult D-and-M about me, you want to puke.” He ducked into the bathroom and brought back some damp handtowels because Brandon wasn’t just looking painfully nauseous, he had started sweating like a pig. He gently pressed them to the back of Brandon’s neck, sitting with him to wait it out whether Brandon was sick or not. It seemed like about 50/50 at the moment. It had to be bloody horrible to feel like you wanted to be sick all the time. “Ves should never have told you that. I’m not saying she’s lying but you know she uses a lot of dramatic and creative licence when retelling stories.”
Despite any of this, Brandon appreciated Jax being here for him. They were both stuck in here and he was feeling so sick, he literally couldn’t move, so maybe this was as better time as any to talk about the hard shit. “She also told me she had a miscarriage the same day you found out I had cancer, and how excited you’d been about being an uncle. I’m wondering what else you haven’t told me because I’ve got cancer. You secretly married or escaped a cult or anything?”
Jaxson huffed a laugh and shook his head. He cracked open the can of Red Bull that Beau arranged for him to bring in with him, in lieu of being able to get his hands on a stiff drink. “Okay. You feel like you’re on your deathbed and you feel sick as a dog, so I’ll let you have this. Even if I didn’t, I know you would flog a dead horse as well as Ves… shit, sorry. That pun was very much not intended.” He sighed and gave shoulder a slow pat, realising they were doing this whether he wanted to or not. “Did she also tell you I decked her ex for cheating on her when she was pregnant?”
Brandon still managed a smirk. “This is Ves we’re talking about. Of course she told me. Told me you put him in hospital, actually. Well done. It’s okay if you were pissed at me. Having cancer doesn’t give me a free pass to be an asshole, even if fame does. Truth is, I haven’t really been living. Before I was sick, I mean. I was going through the motions, not really miserable but not happy either. I was only really happy when I was alone. How fucked up is that? It just feels even more fucked up that I only realised it after I knew I could be dying. I’m sorry your niece or nephew didn’t make it. You would’ve been an awesome uncle.”
“I missed you so fucking much, mate,” Jaxson admitted through a heavy sigh but he was smiling, even it hurt. “We were both assholes, then. We’ll split it fifty-fifty. Why do you think you stopped living? I still followed what you were up to. Social media, all the articles, TV interviews. That BS I don’t know how you keep up with. The more I watched or read, the more it felt like you really didn’t need me as a friend anymore, deluded myself into believing it was for the best. Truth is, I’ve been a really fucking angry fucker. So, you were not happy and I was angry. Sounds like we probably would’ve been better off with each other as mates than without.”
“Um… because I don’t think I had anything meaningful to live for. Which sounds ungrateful, I know. It’s not in a physical sense. Or maybe it kind of was. No close family, just… work. I fucking lost me in the character. People barely even knew my real name. I go to a restaurant and the wait staff call me Saxon. I never expected it all to last this long. I thought it would be a short ride then… I don’t know. Never looked beyond that really. Meeting Merlin made me realise everything I was isolating myself from. Then I was told I had cancer and that I might die. And I realised there was no worse feeling in the world than to be told you might die when you you’d already stopped living. How much you wasted. I’m not even twenty-five. Might not even make it to quarter-life crisis level. My whole life might be over and my biggest achievement is people thinking I’m a fucking fictional character. I know if you’d still been around, I wouldn’t have gotten into the mess I was. Fuck, I’ve even been wondering if I got it wrong. If we should’ve given it a go in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong. Merlin’s my soulmate and I’m pretty sure you and I would’ve realised we were better as friends but…” Brandon just trailed off and sighed, shaking his head. He closed his eyes and felt for Jaxson’s hand to hold.
Jaxson had tears spilling over but he caught them with his fingertips, roughly wiping them away. “Fucking hell, Bran. You’re not allowed to die. I demand you stick around because one of us has to figure this shit out and pass notes to the other like when we were in school. And people believe in religion? What sort of sick fuck is God to let you find your soulmate right before he lets you die. This is fucked up and it’s not fucking fair. Jesus fucking christ, I told myself I was going to try to cheer you up a bit coming in here and now I’m fucking crying and want to punch a wall. I know exactly why Merlin was pushed there, and I’m not even your soulmate. You’re getting all sweaty again. You going to be sick?” He picked up one of the magazines he brought and started softly fanning Brandon’s face.
“Oh fucking god, probably. Fuck.” Then Brandon laughed, only just. “I’m really fucking glad you’re back, Jax. I am. Even if our time might be running out, I’m glad we got to fix shit and I’m glad I got to stick around long enough to see you find someone. You’re gonna be okay with Paxton. Just take some advice from The Beatles and let it be. Don’t think about it too much. Thinking is what fucks us up more than anything else. If I can’t be okay… if I don’t beat this… you’ve got to promise me you will be. Be okay, buddy. Be okay for me.” He choked up with emotion, tearing up when he got the words out, squeezing Jaxson’s hand as tightly as he could. “Okay?”
Jaxson nodded, blowing out a slow breath to try to hold up through the emotion smacking him in the face like a plank of wood. He didn’t fucking know how the hell he was going to manage to be okay in the wake of Brandon’s death, or how life was even supposed to look if that happened. But still, after taking a deep breath and swallowing through the lump in his throat, he nodded again and said, “Okay.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Backup Plan
Where: Oncology, Mount Sinai
When: After this
“Jesus fucking H Christ, you’re alive. Thank fucking god, holy fuck,” Jaxson greeted Brandon when a nurse ushered him into the isolation room after he had to put on gloves, a hat, a mask, a cap, and these booty things over his shoes. He had to take a shower in some special antibacterial solution, but once he was in the room with Brandon, he could take the mask off. He came over to Brandon’s bedside, close to tears. “You woke up. Shit. How the hell did you convince Merlin to take a break? It’s okay. You don’t have to talk. I didn’t mean to throw shit at you. Fucking hell…”
He braced his hands on the rails of the bed and took a deep breath. Then he leaned over and carefully gave Brandon a soft hug, kissing the top of his head where he was wearing a silk bandana. How scared he had been waiting for news that Brandon had passed away wasn’t something he would say out loud to Brandon, but the relief was dizzying to see him awake. He looked like hell, like he had fought a hundred battles, but he was still Brandon. He took Brandon’s hand, brushing his thumb over his knuckles. “How’s it feeling? Sick? Pain? I’m here, okay? Whatever Merlin was doing, I’m here as his proxy until he comes back…”
“Alive… ish. Does that cut it? Sorry, my brain feels fucked. I practically had to flay him with emotional blackmail to get him to go. Feel fucking terrible for it too. I hate seeing him like that. He hasn’t been sleeping or eating. He’s so messed up. Thank fuck Jess stepped in. Thanks for being here. He wouldn’t have gone otherwise,” Brandon mumbled, trying not to get himself stressed again and cause his blood pressure to drop. He desperately hoped there weren’t any complications. Merlin needed the rest and the break.
Jaxson sat, exhaling heavily. He still kept hold of Brandon’s hand. “Yeah, mate. You seriously terrified the shit out of us all. Like, nearly carking it is right up there on everyone’s lists of awful. But none of us more than Merlin. As much as I’m your BFF and have known you for fucking ages, he’s your husband. And he fucking loves you so much, he’s absolutely terrified of you dying. No matter how much he probably promised you had had it all in hand, he didn’t. He was never going to, mate. None of us did. It felt like the end. I don’t think any of us were expecting you to wake up. He has been a mess, I’ve heard. I haven’t spoken to him directly since the day you crashed and he had to make those calls. He hasn’t left your side and I’m going to bet that needing to now is fucking killing him. But I’m glad I could be backup. I promised him I would but I think he’s just wanted to do it himself, you know? I can’t blame him. He’s been thinking your days were numbered.”
Brandon nodded but the more he moved, the more he was realising every single muscle and bone in him was aching. He had been talking to Tara and Lachlan a little earlier after they had a case conference with Merlin so he could be reassured in going home for a couple of nights with his family. He was in incredible amounts of pain and he constantly felt like he needed to throw up but there was nothing there to come out. “I know and I wish it hadn’t happened or that I could promise everyone this wasn’t the end but… it feels like it. I… I can’t even explain how bad I feel, it’s that bad. It’s not like any sick or pain I’ve ever had before. It’s this… whole other level that no one should ever fucking feel. Fucking cancer. I hate that I can’t promise my husband I’ll be okay. I wake up to him looking like hell, sounding like he’s about to have a breakdown. It breaks my fucking heart.” He swallowed heavily, trying to blink away tears.
That awful sensation like ice water tipped down your back coupled with a kick in the guts hit Jaxson when Brandon said it felt like the end for him. He couldn’t imagine how that felt. He could see the pain written all over him, he could hear it in his voice which was little more than a scratchy whisper. He took in all the tubes feeding into Brandon, having no clue what they were but he didn’t doubt there was plenty of strong medication for pain and feeling sick. But maybe there wasn’t a lot that could help. “I think he’s already had a breakdown, buddy. The day you checked out and he had to make the decisions, he was in a really bad way. I talk to Liam a lot when he comes to see Pax. Merlin seems to have hit rock bottom but he’s still trying to run on empty. Liam said you can’t keep that up. You have to sleep and eat to keep up the energy it takes to fuel stress and worry. I know you’d rather have him here but giving him a bit of a break was the best call.” He patted the back of Brandon’s hand softly. “Are they giving you meds to at least take the edge off the pain?”
“Mm. Dosed up to the fucking eyeballs, man. Still agony. He said… you’re with Paxton now? Like, legit relationship and all. That he’s doing better but, like, complications or something? How is he? Tell me about it. I wanna hear all about it. Can’t be easy, so I get it… would’ve been a huge decision for you. I can’t remember if you said you dated in Oz. Sorry. All the chemo’s fucked with my memory.” Brandon gave Jaxson a faint smile. “Back when we were kids, when we first met… became best mates… we could never have seen this as a possible end, huh?”
Jaxson shook his head with a little laugh, feeling that tickle of emotion in his throat like he was close to crying. “No, because we were dumb kids and thought we were invincible. At least for a bit… until we started to open up to each other more about what we went through. How we both ended up adopted. Did you know Paxton’s adopted too? That means you and both were, and we’ve fallen for guys who both were too. It’s nuts. I would never have picked you to be one to get cancer, though. You hardly ever got sick. I was always the one getting man flu or puke bugs. You didn’t even get chicken pox when Ves and I had them. Remember? Mom told you not to come around for three weeks. You told me later how miserable and lonely you felt. Like, way later.”
He looked at Brandon’s hand when he noticed how cold it felt. “How come you’ve got tape around your wedding ring? Has something happened to your finger? Things with Pax are… well, well, they’re complicated. He can’t walk. There’s some neurological damage causing it but they don’t know if it’s temporary. He also had awful vertigo. He can’t be up for too long but his doctor says medication can help. There’s some blurry vision on and off and difficult recalling certain words. It could be a long road ahead. I think I would’ve completely lost my shit if I didn’t have Pax to focus on. We’ve gotten close. Everything you said about dating and finding someone special? Totally en-pointe.”
Brandon had a slight laugh at that. “Figured that wasn’t something you’d know until you had it yourself. Like I never really believed in it until I met Merlin. Doesn’t even have to be a whole fucking hearts and roses situation either. We’re pretty much case in point that it can happen in the most fucked up situations too. Did your folks go back to Oz? Merlin told me he brought a freaking farm house in New Jersey so Norm and Jean could be close-ish. I didn’t want anyone to have to put their life on hold for me.” He had a look at his finger with the tape wrapped around it. “It doesn’t fit me. I’ve lost so much weight. They gave it to Merlin after I crashed and he wore it. When we tried it back on, it slipped right off. I want it on, though. This fucking thing’s robbed me of everything else, I at least want to be able to keep my wedding ring on. I’m sorry about Pax. I know how terrifying it was for you to see him sick like that. So, not being able to walk might be permanent? Is he still in here? Fuck, I wouldn’t wish being stuck in here on anyone.”
“You look like absolute shit, mate. Like, jesus fuck… I was trying to prepare myself to come in here and see you, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad. Shit, you know me. I’ve never dealt well with the hard stuff. I’m just so fucking concious of how much time we lost right now…” Jaxson had to pause to take a breath before he answered Brandon’s questions. Everything was overwhelming and so much to get his head around. He realised the carefree fuck-it-all days of their friendship were over… for now. If there was a chance Brandon survived and went into remission, getting better, Jaxson wanted to make sure they rebuilt their friendship like the good ol’ days. But he knew neither of them would be the same person as they were back then.
His eyes were back on Brandon’s wedding ring, wondering what it felt like to be married and have a ring on your finger you didn’t want to take off. It sounded nice, but something he never considered before. Then again, he knew Brandon hadn’t either, until Merlin offered to marry him in case he died so they could have those memories. He had to rein in his emotions so he didn’t keep upsetting Brandon. “Mom and Dad had to get back home but Ves took leave from work to stick around here. Can you believe she’s actually thinking about moving here? She said seeing you at your wedding made her take stock of her whole life. Pax is still in here but he hates it. He’s going to have a lot of rehab ahead of him but he can get it on an outpatients basis if we can get him home. Actually, that’s something I wanted to talk to you about…”
Brandon blinked slowly with a nod. “Yeah, yeah. I can only imagine I look like something from the Night of the Living Dead. Jax, it’s alright, bud. I know this is fucking awful and confronting. I’ve been readying myself for that for months, knowing it’s going to be painful for everyone to deal with. I don’t anyone to feel they’ve gotta hide their feelings from me in case it upsets me. This is… it’s fucking upsetting. That’s an understatement. I might die. It feels like I am. Feels like my body’s given up completely. There’s a hell of a lot to regret but don’t stick there. I want you to remember our good times, all of them. Give that your energy. That’s all I want, good memories for y’all. And I want you to take care of Merlin for me. Make sure he’s safe and protected if I… after all this. I know he will be, I just need to make sure…” He closed his eyes and put his fingers to his lips, choking up on emotion but he didn’t have the strength to cry again. “Yeah? So, shoot… you want to take him home to my place or something? Ves is fucking nuts. She can’t uproot her whole life.”
“Fucking hell…” Jaxson choked out, turning his face away when he couldn’t stop more tears falling. Brandon was so convinced he was going to die and that was fucking terrifying, because he was speaking honestly and he felt like he was dying. That was really hard to process. What if Brandon did die while he was in here and Merlin wasn’t? He felt himself start to shake all over. He knew Brandon, though. He wouldn’t want to get locked on only this. “Sorry, I just need a minute.”
He nursed his forehead in his head, eyes on the crisp white sheet. He understood why Merlin felt so sick with all this because he had a faint nausea sloshing in his gut too, along with a tension headache developing all of a sudden. “She is fucking nuts, but you know how she gets when she gets her mind on something. She said hearing about you and Merlin, that your both adopted, and learning about Paxton, it gave her work even more meaning. She also said you have pretty much the most epic group of friends in the universe and she wants a piece of the action. How the hell did you guess that, mate? But yeah, that’s it. His place has stairs and it’s a share-house, you know? Merlin suggested we move in with you guys because your place is huge and other than your master suite and an entertaining area at the back, it’s on one level. Plus, you have an indoor heated pool, which Pax could do hydrotherapy in. But I know you. You like your own space and you already have Wes living there and you asked me to stay. And you’re still relatively new with Merlin, so you’ll be going from living on your own to have all us crash. If you recover and they let you out of here, you’ll want your own space.”
Brandon put his hand on Jaxson’s shoulder, patting it softly. It was hard seeing the people he loved upset like this but it was necessary. No one needed to push away their emotions. They would just make it harder on themselves later. “Merlin’s friends. They just adopted me by default. And Autumn’s, really. She’s the reason all this happened, she reconnected me with Merlin, Jesse being her brother. I’m so fucking lucky. They’ve all given me so much love and meaning in what might be the end of my life. Otherwise, pretty sure I would’ve died alone. I wouldn’t have gone public with any of this. I fully planned to just let it all hit if I died, game over. Merlin changed my world, gave it meaning again.” He looked at Jaxson quietly, hearing him try to talk himself out of all this. “Dude, shut up. Like, fucking seriously. None of that is me anymore. You should both move in. Merlin’s right, the place is fucking huge. We should use it to help the people we love. Do it, let them make any changes you need for disability access too. Take the empty guest wing and get it made wheelchair accessible. I’ll pay. Get Montana to sort it all. Take him home, get him out of here. You both deserve it. What’s the fucking point of any of what I’ve done if I can’t help the people I love when they need it?”
“How shitty of me is it to ask you not to die?” Maybe Jaxson was breaking all the rules with that but it was the truth. Brandon was talking as if he was on his way out and Jaxson didn’t want it to be real. “Are you sure about this? I mean, you haven’t even actually met Pax, have you? Then again, your other half’s brother is his best mate, so it’s not like he’s a rando that’s going to spill all your secrets. I just know everything’s hanging by a wire for you at the moment and Merlin’s not in a good place. But if it’s really okay, I think I’d do just about anything to get him out of here so he can breathe. It’s going to be full-on, though. I’ve never taken care of someone before. Liam might rip my nuts off if I fuck it up.”
“Ask away. I can’t make any promises, though. Don’t worry. That stuff doesn’t freak me out. I’m trying, dude. I really am. If you promise to help take care of Merlin if I go, I don’t care if you turn my place into fucking Disneyland. I mean, please don’t. If I get out of here, I want to sleep in my bed for, like, six months. I don’t need to have met him yet. That Liam trusts him and you’ve fallen in love with him is enough for me. Plus, he was sweet with Merlin while he was in London, so I know he’s a good guy. You won’t fuck it up. It won’t be easy but you’re not as useless as you think you are with this shit. You’ll be fine. Just be there for him and understand that being sick and in pain to the point you’re incapacitated is fucking awful. There’ll be bad days. Keep holding on with the bad days, even if you feel like you’re fucking it up or useless…” Brandon closed his eyes through a wave of pain, knowing that the only reason he and Merlin were still strong and fighting this together was because Merlin held on through the worst, when Brandon didn’t have the strength to do it. “Tell me about him. What made you fall in love? And don’t fucking try to deny that bit. I can tell, you’ve fallen for him.”
Jaxson put his hand over Brandon’s rubbing it softly when he saw he was suffering. Brandon was a shadow of his former self and there was no doubt he was seriously sick and his body was close to giving up. But he was still fighting and Jaxson was glad Merlin trusted him enough to be backup when he needed a breather from the isolation room to recalibrate with his family. “Well, it’s… you’ll probably understand this stuff because when I first came to you place that day, I could see Merlin was your total hands-on carer… meaning, he helped you with all the most intimate and vulnerable stuff. He cleaned you up when you spewed, he helped you go to the toilet and stuck close to make sure you wouldn’t pass out in there and smash your head open. He helped you shower and dress. I’ve kind of been there for Paxton with the same sort of stuff and he’s okay with it. It strips most of the relationship stuff right back and I think it makes up both vulnerable and… well… with you so sick too and Paxton possibly never regaining the use of his legs or might have other issues long-term, we haven’t been taking anything for granted. The more he gets treatment, the more he feels a little better so we’ve been talking and he’s able to joke a little. I don’t know, I guess being such a raw and terrifying situation, it changes a relationship dynamic. I think that’s what I was seeing with you and Merlin when I first got to NYC.”
“Oh, yeah, dude. For sure. And all that shit, it’s not easy. It took a lot for me to let myself be vulnerable with Merlin and even then, I fought it. I got trashed on our roadtrip and he called me out on my bullshit. Then when we were in Idaho and I had those fucking awful complications, I couldn’t resist any of it. Like, I was so sick, I couldn’t stop puking and I lost control of my bowels. It was bad as hell. Fucking awful. And he got me through it like a fucking angel. Then it continued more and more after that. Sometimes I need help getting to the bathroom and it’s literally a nightmare being so weak and useless. Modesty goes out the window. But I got used to it, you know? It made us closer and stronger. Like, nothing will bring you closer more than being cuddled on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night when you’re so sick, you’ve got no control over either end and he keeps reminding you you’re not alone and it’s okay. I think I’d be an utter mess if our positions were switched…” Brandon looked at Jaxson quietly with a faint smile. “If you can get through that sort of thing in the early days, you can get through anything. Even when the worst of the worst is in front of you. Never in a million fucking years could I have seen myself in this place. Not even talking cancer. I mean love, marriage, not going life alone.”
Jaxson chewed his lip, rubbing his forehead with his fingertips. “So, do you think I can do it? Take care of Pax how he needs me to? Knowing I have no real relationship experiences and even less experience looking after anyone who is sick. He thought I didn’t trust him in a way, because I wasn’t letting myself be vulnerable around him. I was kind of bottling everything up. I wasn’t dealing well. He called me out on it and I’m glad he did, so I could see it all from his perspective and he was right. I was wanting him to be vulnerable with me and trust me to look after him but I wasn’t giving him the same in return. But the reality is, other than my folks and my sister, you’re the only one I’ve ever been that vulnerable with. It was terrifying me. All that stuff, I’m okay with now. Even the puking, believe it or not. I’ve weathered against it, I think. I just don’t want to tell him I can do all that and fuck it all up.”
Brandon pressed his lips together, holding Jaxson’s gaze. “Million dollar question, man. How can anyone know how to do that shit if they’ve never done it before? I didn’t. Not even fucking close. What I do know is that I’ve met a lot of people who do it, care for a partner who is sick. They’ve all told me it strengthens their relationship because it’s sink or swim and honestly, that’s what it’s been with Merlin and me. Just… way more of me sinking and him not knowing how to swim lately, I think.” He looked down at his arms, everything feeding into them, and became aware of other devices and wires attached to his body. It all felt so real and raw. This might be how he spent his last days on earth. “Worth it, though. Falling in love, everything’s worth it. If you know and respect it’s not gonna be easy, you’ll be fine. Worrying you’re gonna suck tells me you know that. Just deal with the big stuff together, don’t shut each other out.”
Jaxson had taken up a gentle rhythm of rubbing Brandon’s hands, like he somehow had to keep reassuring him he was there and wasn’t alone. He didn’t know if it helped. Probably absolutely nothing helped Brandon feel better at this point but it couldn’t hurt either, unless Brandon told him it did actually hurt because his skin was so sensitive from the treatment, and he would stop. “Have you and Merlin talked since you woke up? I can’t even imagine how it would be, knowing it might be the end and time might be almost out. Merlin pretty much withdrew from even texting anyone because it was too much too keep up with but I know through Liam that he hasn’t been holding up well. But who would? Fucking seriously, who would? There’s probably been a whole lot of folk worried about you physically but how are you emotionally? You’re doing a good job putting up a front worrying about the rest of us. Or you’re just too wiped out to think about anything more.”
Brandon closed his eyes, not able to speak at first. It was hard to be hit with a wave of emotions while you were already feeling so much sickness and pain. He had a look for his bottle of water and when Jaxson realised what he was looking for, he held it for him to take a few sips from the straw. “I… I’ve been scared to say that I’m… I’m suicidal.” He gave a slight nod, almost like hearing the words out loud sounded as ridiculous as it should. “Makes me a fucking ungrateful cunt, right? No one knows what this is like to live through. But how can I even say that to my husband who’s given everything to save me? I can’t switch it off, though. This isn’t living. I’m stuck somewhere between living and dying and I’m in so much fucking pain. The only thing stopping me asking anyone to help me go is I don’t wanna leave that on anyone. So, no. I haven’t talked to him about any of this. I just wanted him to get home to his family to have a break so I can take care of him how he needs.”
“No, it makes you human, mate. I don’t know how you’re doing it. Something’s keeping you going and I can’t lie, I’m fucking glad. But I don’t think anyone could blame you for the psychological and mental toll it’s taking. I don’t even blame you for not wanting to keep going like this. It makes me feel sick that you have to feel it and I can’t help in any way, but I’m here. I’m not going to lecture you that you should tell Merlin because he’s your husband and that’s the right thing to do. How can any of us know the fucking right thing? It’s not us, it’s you.” Jaxson put the bottle of water aside and resting his hand on Brandon’s shoulder. “Do you feel like if you had the strength and means, you’d try to do it? I’m just asking because I want you to be safe and you might need help from a psych or something. No one would blame you if you did. I think Merlin would understand, B. It’d probably make him feel sick and scared, but he’s lived this with you closer than anyone else, I don’t think you can hurt him more telling him. I know you want him to rest and have a breather, and that’s okay. He’s getting that. But think about telling him? Just think about it.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this. I won’t. I won’t do that Merlin. Also don’t have the strength to move or get up.” Brandon closed his eyes with a sigh, that incredible exhaustion overtaking him, making him feel like even speaking too more energy than he had left anymore. He knew talking about this wouldn’t be easy. “Makes me feel like a fucking fraud in here. All these people fighting cancer to try to live, some not making it, and they’re help me, doing everything they can because I’ve got the cash and the connections, things some people out there will never be able to afford and will die because of it. But I’m in here, feeling like I can’t keep living. How is that fair?”
Jaxson wondered if he would ever get a chance when all this was over, if Brandon survived, to tell him how much he was packing it in this moment. For some reason, him dying of suicide felt more of a real possibility than dying of cancer, and he didn’t even know why. He knew in this moment, his best friend needed him more than he ever had anytime before this. He couldn’t fuck it up. “That was when you were on your road trip, yeah? Do you want to tell me about it? I don’t know if it’ll help but if you want to, I’m here for you. What I think it shows is that cancer has pushed you to the limit and I think depression’s inevitable. I don’t think that just because you’re loaded, it invalidates your grief. You don’t have to be in the worst situation to be grieving about being this sick. I don’t even know how you still have fight in you. Maybe you don’t. Maybe this is proof you just don’t anymore, no matter how much you love us all. We know you do. That doesn’t take away your pain either.”
Brandon gave a little shrug. “I don’t even really know clearly where my head was back then but, yeah, I did it. Took an overdose of my pain pills. It was… I guess impulsive is the word. There wasn’t a lead up, I didn’t realise I felt suicidal. Just work up in the middle of the night in awful pain and feeling sick. It got too much. And fuck, I wasn’t near as sick then as I am now. Once I took the pills, I scared myself and panicked. Stuck my fingers down my throat to make myself puke them up. They talked to me a lot about associated depression. I just never expected to feel it this late. I thought I’d, like, come to peace with dying. This isn’t peace. I wish he never asked me to remove the DNR. I can’t tell him this, Jax. He’s fighting so hard for me. It’ll just worry him even more.”
“Yeah, I reckon it really will. But it’s going to hurt him way more if you try to hurt yourself at any point and he didn’t know. Not telling him might be making you feel worse too, imposing that pressure on yourself to bottle it up. One of his closest mates is suicidal, he’s going to understand. Mate, he didn’t marry you just because you might be running out of time. He married you because he loves you and wants to be here for you for all the bad stuff you were facing when you got worse and worse. Can they give you antidepressants? You used to take them when you were younger. I know it was for different stuff but I remember when you started them because they made you pretty sick at first and you stayed at our place. You didn’t want your parents to know you were taking them.” Some parts of their younger friendship was still clear as a bell to Jaxson, even if Brandon was a completely different person now. Fame hadn’t innately changed him but he had more walls up and he had developed more cynicism and determination for privacy. His fans were still shitfighting on his fan pages about what was happening to him now because he hadn’t been seen in public since the fuzzy fansighting photo in Cape Cod. No further statement had come after Merlin outed him either. It was for the best.
“I’m on something. I guess they could up the dose or something. Merlin knows that much. Tara started me on them when she took over my case. Can’t believe you still remember that stuff. Your mom made you and Ves go to school and I stayed home with her. She was sweet. She was always sweet taking care of me. You all were. How do they feel about Ves wanting to move here?” Brandon wasn’t trying to change the subject, he just didn’t think much would change to stick on the one topic. He needed a distraction and he needed to talk, but not just about the fact he had been feeling suicidal since he regained consciousness. “I’m not changing the subject. I just don’t have the answers yet.”
“That’s okay. I’m not here to push you one way or another. I just want to make sure you can talk to me about it all if you need, and that I won’t just try to fling idealistic fixes at you. That’s not how we roll, it never has been. We can talk about anything you want. Anything at all.” Jaxson offered Brandon some more water. One thing the doctor told him was Brandon’s throat was dry and raw from ventilation tube so they wanted to keep him sipping water if he could so he didn’t have any bleeding in his throat, which could turn into more hemorrhaging. “If they had a choice, I’m sure they would wish us all - including you - could be together. But they’re not surprised she wants to after we’ve reunited with you and they know how sick you are. At the end of the day, she’s Ves. She’ll do what the fuck she wants anyway and she’s completely independent. Not to mention, she wants to be involved now I’m dating and maybe helping out there if she can. She just thinks here is where she needs to be right now.”
Brandon wondered if he should get Jax to text Merlin to check on him but he really hoped Merlin was getting some sleep if he had his parents and his brothers on his case. Liam had written him a script for something to help him sleep but knowing Merlin, he probably wouldn’t take it because he would stress Brandon might die while he was asleep and he wouldn’t be here. The awful part was, Brandon couldn’t promise him it wouldn’t happen. He didn’t think he could have more water without being sick, so he just decline with a small wave of his fingers. Silence lingered for a bit and he watched Jaxson’s face, so much going through his mind. “If I didn’t have cancer, would you still be pissed at me for not contacting you?”
The question confused Jaxson at first and this showed on his face because he could catch his reaction. “Pissed?” he asked, genuinely confused. “I was never pissed at you. Not even when it first happened. I was hurt and my ego too a beating. Sad and embarrassed, maybe. I thought you were pissed at me. At first, I was kind of like… well, my feelings were hurt so I didn’t want to make the first move. I convinced myself it should be you. Then when it didn’t happen, I thought you hated me and blamed me for fucking up the friendship. The more time that passed, the easier it was to appease myself that I just fucked up the best friendship I ever had and lost you for good. But I guess I wouldn’t have come if you weren’t sick because I wouldn’t have thought there was any reason for the situation to change. I always thought if you wanted me as your friend, you’d let me know. Mostly, it just felt like you outgrew me and didn’t have room for me in your life anymore. And when I first came back to the States and realised you had Merlin, I felt more of that. But I’m not here out of some misguided sense of obligation. I don’t know, mate… you do have cancer, so I don’t know what would’ve happened. But I wasn’t pissed at you.”
“Ves told me you were. So, if this is all just putting up a front because you’re scared these might me your last words to me before I drop dead, quit it. I’m trying to be real here so neither of us have regrets if that happens. I know we can’t get back lost time but we can at least talk real about what happened.” Brandon closed his eyes, holding up his hand. “Hang on, I don’t know if I’m gonna hurl.”
Jaxson got up and made sure Brandon had one of those ever-present sick bags in his hand. Guy could have shares in the company that made them, or a paid partnership on Instagram with them. He could just imagine the selfies - Brandon hunched over ralphing onto one of them with a thumbs-up and caption reading #barfing #bestspewever #chemtoftw “I’m not going to take it personally that just as we hit the difficult D-and-M about me, you want to puke.” He ducked into the bathroom and brought back some damp handtowels because Brandon wasn’t just looking painfully nauseous, he had started sweating like a pig. He gently pressed them to the back of Brandon’s neck, sitting with him to wait it out whether Brandon was sick or not. It seemed like about 50/50 at the moment. It had to be bloody horrible to feel like you wanted to be sick all the time. “Ves should never have told you that. I’m not saying she’s lying but you know she uses a lot of dramatic and creative licence when retelling stories.”
Despite any of this, Brandon appreciated Jax being here for him. They were both stuck in here and he was feeling so sick, he literally couldn’t move, so maybe this was as better time as any to talk about the hard shit. “She also told me she had a miscarriage the same day you found out I had cancer, and how excited you’d been about being an uncle. I’m wondering what else you haven’t told me because I’ve got cancer. You secretly married or escaped a cult or anything?”
Jaxson huffed a laugh and shook his head. He cracked open the can of Red Bull that Beau arranged for him to bring in with him, in lieu of being able to get his hands on a stiff drink. “Okay. You feel like you’re on your deathbed and you feel sick as a dog, so I’ll let you have this. Even if I didn’t, I know you would flog a dead horse as well as Ves… shit, sorry. That pun was very much not intended.” He sighed and gave shoulder a slow pat, realising they were doing this whether he wanted to or not. “Did she also tell you I decked her ex for cheating on her when she was pregnant?”
Brandon still managed a smirk. “This is Ves we’re talking about. Of course she told me. Told me you put him in hospital, actually. Well done. It’s okay if you were pissed at me. Having cancer doesn’t give me a free pass to be an asshole, even if fame does. Truth is, I haven’t really been living. Before I was sick, I mean. I was going through the motions, not really miserable but not happy either. I was only really happy when I was alone. How fucked up is that? It just feels even more fucked up that I only realised it after I knew I could be dying. I’m sorry your niece or nephew didn’t make it. You would’ve been an awesome uncle.”
“I missed you so fucking much, mate,” Jaxson admitted through a heavy sigh but he was smiling, even it hurt. “We were both assholes, then. We’ll split it fifty-fifty. Why do you think you stopped living? I still followed what you were up to. Social media, all the articles, TV interviews. That BS I don’t know how you keep up with. The more I watched or read, the more it felt like you really didn’t need me as a friend anymore, deluded myself into believing it was for the best. Truth is, I’ve been a really fucking angry fucker. So, you were not happy and I was angry. Sounds like we probably would’ve been better off with each other as mates than without.”
“Um… because I don’t think I had anything meaningful to live for. Which sounds ungrateful, I know. It’s not in a physical sense. Or maybe it kind of was. No close family, just… work. I fucking lost me in the character. People barely even knew my real name. I go to a restaurant and the wait staff call me Saxon. I never expected it all to last this long. I thought it would be a short ride then… I don’t know. Never looked beyond that really. Meeting Merlin made me realise everything I was isolating myself from. Then I was told I had cancer and that I might die. And I realised there was no worse feeling in the world than to be told you might die when you you’d already stopped living. How much you wasted. I’m not even twenty-five. Might not even make it to quarter-life crisis level. My whole life might be over and my biggest achievement is people thinking I’m a fucking fictional character. I know if you’d still been around, I wouldn’t have gotten into the mess I was. Fuck, I’ve even been wondering if I got it wrong. If we should’ve given it a go in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong. Merlin’s my soulmate and I’m pretty sure you and I would’ve realised we were better as friends but…” Brandon just trailed off and sighed, shaking his head. He closed his eyes and felt for Jaxson’s hand to hold.
Jaxson had tears spilling over but he caught them with his fingertips, roughly wiping them away. “Fucking hell, Bran. You’re not allowed to die. I demand you stick around because one of us has to figure this shit out and pass notes to the other like when we were in school. And people believe in religion? What sort of sick fuck is God to let you find your soulmate right before he lets you die. This is fucked up and it’s not fucking fair. Jesus fucking christ, I told myself I was going to try to cheer you up a bit coming in here and now I’m fucking crying and want to punch a wall. I know exactly why Merlin was pushed there, and I’m not even your soulmate. You’re getting all sweaty again. You going to be sick?” He picked up one of the magazines he brought and started softly fanning Brandon’s face.
“Oh fucking god, probably. Fuck.” Then Brandon laughed, only just. “I’m really fucking glad you’re back, Jax. I am. Even if our time might be running out, I’m glad we got to fix shit and I’m glad I got to stick around long enough to see you find someone. You’re gonna be okay with Paxton. Just take some advice from The Beatles and let it be. Don’t think about it too much. Thinking is what fucks us up more than anything else. If I can’t be okay… if I don’t beat this… you’ve got to promise me you will be. Be okay, buddy. Be okay for me.” He choked up with emotion, tearing up when he got the words out, squeezing Jaxson’s hand as tightly as he could. “Okay?”
Jaxson nodded, blowing out a slow breath to try to hold up through the emotion smacking him in the face like a plank of wood. He didn’t fucking know how the hell he was going to manage to be okay in the wake of Brandon’s death, or how life was even supposed to look if that happened. But still, after taking a deep breath and swallowing through the lump in his throat, he nodded again and said, “Okay.”
LOG, COMPLETE