dreamlikenewyork | "I'm locked in your eyes, I love our quality time."

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"I'm locked in your eyes, I love our quality time."

Who: Jace and Jesse Hartley
What: Quality Time
Where: Hartley/Turner/Casey Home, NYC
When: After this

It felt to Jace like it had been days since he had seen his husband. It hadn't, of course. In fact, that evening was the first shift Jesse had been at work all week because he took time off to care for Jace after he had a nasty seizure that really impacting his functioning this time. But to Jace, it felt like a lot longer. Whenever he had seizures like that, he lost all concept of time and slept a lot while his body and brain recovered. He had vague recollection of Jesse's presence but it wasn't like a usual consciousness of spending time with someone. It was patchy and could even be inaccurate recollections. Jesse had left for his shift that morning before Jace was awake and he was really missing him. Jace knew some things had happened while he was out of it and he wanted to talk to Jesse about them, make sure he was okay.

Jace couldn't believe how boring the tv show he chose to watch while he worked on some designs on his sketchpad was. It could just be because his attention span was skewed with his head still a little hazy or because he was watching alone but it definitely wasn't entertaining him like he hoped it would. He was just about to switch to something different when he heard the front door open and close up the hall, and a few moments later, Jesse appeared. Jace broke into a grin. "You're home! I missed you, baby. Did you finish early or am I messing my times up again?"

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"Hey, darlin'. You're on the couch. Progress! Are you hungry? I got all your favourites. I figured if you weren't ready to eat much yet, you could heat it up tomorrow." Jesse smiled, holding the paper bag from their favourite Italian up and came over to give Jace to give him a slow, soft kiss. It was a relief to see Jace looking more like his usual self. He'd had a few significant seizures in recent days that he wasn't pulling through as smoothly as he usually did. Not that there was anything really 'smooth' about coming out of Jace's type of complex partial seizures because they really affected his general basic functioning but when his communication skills and mobility were impacted, they always had to monitor him closely. Unfortunately, because Jace's epilepsy was caused by a brain injury, any seizure could cause further permanent impairment than he already had. There was always a very real risk that a bad enough seizure could leave him in a permanent vegetative state or even take his life. It was the sole reason why Evan, his big brother, chose to specialise in neurology. "How are you feeling, beautiful? You're looking better. I wasn't sure if you'd make it out of bed again today. You were still pale when I left for work so I told Ev to just give you another day to rest before seeing if you needed any more treatment. He was thinking you might need another infusion this time around. But no, not messing your times up. I was feeling a bit funny at work with a bad headache and even though some painkillers helped, the boss told me to head home earlier in case it was going to progress into seizure territory. I don't think that's what it was, though. It's just been a rough couple of weeks. But I don't want you to stress about it. I'm okay. Just need a rest. I'm feeling a bit burnt out and haven't been sleeping well. Too much to worry about." Or - as Christian put it when he came to check he was okay hearing he was finishing his shift early - probable compassion fatigue, something Jesse had always been susceptible to. Evan had written him a script for something to help him sleep but he couldn't bring himself to use anything more than low dose melatonin in case Jace had seizures and needed him in the night.

Jace watched Jesse closely for a few moments and then patted the spot beside him on the couch, coaxing him to sit down. "We can eat in a bit, okay? I know you don't want me to stress but I can't just not when you say you're feeling like this because, well, you never really say that sort of stuff. So, I know the fact that you are, you're probably downplaying it a bit because my brain's been a dumbfuck again this week. Which you worry about because in sickness and in health and all that. But there's also Merlin and Brandon. It's a lot. The thing is, baby, you've also got epilepsy and stress isn't good for that. Neither is not sleeping, then trying to work and be, like, the support for everyone. Because that's just you and I love you so hard for it. If you're telling me you're feeling burnt out, though? I'm going to worry and you're going to let me this time. Will you talk to me about it all? It's not too much for me, you know. Even if my brain is a dumbfuck. Eventually, it kicks back into gear."

Jesse put the bag of takeout on the coffee table and sat down with Jace, turning in towards him to give him his full attention. He feathered his fingers through Jace's hair and then cupped his cheek in his palm to give him another kiss. "'Course I will, darlin'. It's never because I don't want to talk to you and how I'm feeling isn't because you've been out of action. But I get scared when you don't bounce back from the seizures like usual. Just like I know you do when my epilepsy has bad patches. Sometimes it's just really hard to be a nurse when things are happening to the people you love. I know the worst case scenarios and I know that often, worst case things can happen even when things seem to be going along okay. Brandon relapsing is one of those things. I always struggle to sleep when you're unwell, darlin'. Because I've got to help you if you need it. You've needed it. I know you haven't been conscious to a lot of it. You've needed help with the bathroom, bathing, even making sure you're staying hydrated, that you're getting all the medication you need into you. It's never easy seeing you like that." He rubbed Jace's knee because he knew this particular stuff, Jace struggled with being a burden. He never was a burden but he felt it. Jesse didn't like underscoring that for him. Or for anyone he cared for. No person being cared for in a very hands-on way chooses to be like that. "It's the thing with Merlin's biological dad finding him that has really kind of hit hard for me, for some reason. It's stirring up some things I really thought I managed to lock away and bury deep."

"It's been that bad, huh?" No, it was never easy for Jace to confront the realities of his disability, let alone the impact it had on his husband. But it wasn't like they went into their relationship or agreement to marry blindsided. They met in a freaking doctor's office waiting room because they both had epilepsy. Being an ostrich and burying his head in the sand about it wouldn't help his husband's wellbeing in anyway. This was one of those times they both needed the reminder that Jesse's health could be fragile too. Sometimes, both their health could be fragile simultaneously. Not often, but it had happened. Jace didn't remember much about these preceding days. His brain just didn't retain information or short-term memory when it was misfiring with repeated seizures. But Jesse didn't forget. Jesse was the one that hands-on nursed unconditionally every damn time, unless he was laid up himself. Even then, he would have to be bedridden to not still do it feeling poorly himself. In their early days, it did upset Jace sometimes to know he could be a burden but Jesse had exorcised that out of him on some level, helped him see that it was easier on both of them to just accept the reality and know that Jesse would never see him as a burden. He just saw him as his husband who happened to be disabled. "Tell me how bad? It's okay. I can see this time, you're emotional about it. Maybe because you haven't had enough sleep or probably just because you're dealing with a lot. I saw a script in the bedroom and asked Evan what it was for. You need to get it filled, baby. You need sleep. We live with Evan and Christian for a reason. Nana got an apartment a floor up for a reason. What things are stirred up? Have you been eating and drinking enough, or too busy making everyone else is?"

Jesse reflexively inhaled deeply at Jace's pretty cluey and perceptive questions, considering his brain hadn't been functioning so well in recent days. He held it for a few moments and let it out heavily, letting himself sink further into the space beside Jace so he could rest his head against the back of the couch. He was exhausted. There was no escaping it and denying it was pointless because Jace knew him intimately. He just wasn't expecting to have to confront some of this on the back of his shift at work, which he had been struggling with. "It's not the physical stuff, darlin'. I'm a nurse, it's second nature. Your brain just wasn't sending the messages to your body that it needs and that's always okay. I'm your husband, that's what I'm here for. That's what you're here for, for me. The difficult part was that you didn't want me to help you, or any help, I guess is more accurate. You were getting really upset with being touched and I'm still not quite sure whether it was mood or psychological thing or that you're in pain. That's the part that was hard, the not knowing and not being able to figure it out. Because you couldn't communicate, I had no way of deciphering either. But you still needed help so I had to push through and this time, I needed Evan's help physically. Which makes me feel like I'm starting to fail you as a husband." He choked up on that last bit, taking himself by surprise when he teared up too. Maybe he was more emotionally fragile this week than he first thought. He pressed his fingers to his lips and shook his head, then cleared his throat to try to regain his composure. "Fuck, I didn't realise I was this upset about it. I'm sorry, baby. I don't want any of this to freak you our or do anything like make you feel guilty. It was just a bad week, that's all."

Jace reached over to grab the box of tissues from the coffee table and put it in his lap to pull a couple from the box to give to Jesse. He turned in his seat and shuffled closer so he could wrap his arms around Jesse's waist. He really wished he remembered these things when they happened but he didn't, which meant it left Jesse to shoulder it alone. Even if Evan was there to help physically, Jace knew without even needing to ask that Jesse wouldn't have told these things to Evan. Jesse was the one everyone leaned on and was the world's best listener, but he never complained about anything. Not that this was complaining. It wasn't even venting. Jace had to gently pry it out of him before he even said anything. That was okay. Jesse had grown up in a very cold, strict family and taught that he shouldn't say anything if he was upset about something. He should just be a man and deal with it. This wasn't anything about that but it was definitely a product of forgetting he didn't have to do that anymore. "I think it would've been a whole lot easier to hear I shit the bed and ruined our favourite duvet cover. I'm not going to freak out, baby, and I'm going to do my best not to feel guilty that it happened. But I want to be able to tell you why but I... just don't know either? The only thing I really remember is feeling really sick and everything being too loud and bright and fast around me. Even when it wasn't. Maybe that's a clue, though? Whatever it is, it still hurt you and made you feel shit. I don't want you crying but it's okay that you need to. It really is, baby, so it's okay to stop trying to swallow it all back. We knew when we met and wanted to get married that we'd have these days. These weeks, even, where it's just shit. It feels shit and it is shit." He cupped Jesse's cheek and wiped some of the tears away with his thumb. "You could never fail me as a husband. That's not a thing. There's nothing about you that's a failure. You're perfect in every way to me. Even the imperfect things. You do the best you can and if you need help sometimes, it's just because things are harder, not because you're failing. I love you. You know that even on my bad days, right? More than I ever even knew what love could be."

"That would've been a lot easier to deal with, darlin'. But you didn't. I know you struggle the most with losing those basic functions, even if I'm your husband and it's nothing for me to take extra care of you when you need it. That's why we have disability aids on hand to use for the bad days." Jesse sniffled and wiped his eyes, knowing that if he let himself dissolve into a sobbing mess, it would be hard to pull out of as tired as he was. The lack of sound sleep was definitely compounding a lot. It's just that the 'a lot' was a significant lot all on its own, without throwing inability to sleep well into the mix. Life always had a way of dumping steaming piles of crap on you all at once, though. Most of it wasn't even his primarily, it was because he was trying to support his family as much as he could, however they needed it. He supposed he'd inevitably have eventually buckled under the additional pressure. Life was already weighty for him and Jace, both dealing with their illnesses and Jesse being Jace's carer because he was brain injured significantly enough for it to be a disability. The extra things were taking the additional toll. "I don't know how I got so lucky to have you. Every day, I wake up and think that. It scares me when I've got to face losing you. Even losing parts of you. Not just because of the loss, but your loss. I want to do all I can, whenever I can, so you can maintain the quality of life you have. I'd take every damn bad day off you if I could. When you didn't want me to help you, I really thought I'd have my shit together better and shoulder it. It's just part of your illness, I know that. Things are just extra raw with Merlin and Brandon, and meeting Cillian brought up things for me I didn't anticipate. Or just thought I'd dealt with and adequately put to bed. We should eat, beautiful. The only thing we been able to get into this week is some banana smoothie here and there. Let's go out on the terrace and eat. It's a lovely night. Make the most of the weather while we have it."

Jace nodded, only because he hoped that if he started having something to eat, Jesse would too. "Help me up?" He was still feeling a bit achy and weak all over, which was usual for him after the more severe seizure episodes. Even then, he didn't get hit physically by them as Jesse did. Jesse's seizures were the classic kind and Jace had seen him crack his head on concrete (the first time he ever witnessed one of his husband's fits), sprain his wrist, dislocate a shoulder, bruise his ribs. He also didn't get any auras or warning signs that seizures were coming. Jessed described a momentary sensation of weird dizziness like he was being pulled forward but that was it. Luckily, he didn't have them often because Jace would be a nervous wreck and want to isolate him in a room wrapped in cotton wool forever. He let Jesse carefully help him off the sofa and wait a few moments to make sure he wasn't going get dizzy and fall over, then they headed out to their terrace, pausing in the kitchen to grab some plates and cutlery for their dinner. They sat close together on the bench at the outdoor table and unpacked the dishes Jesse picked up from their favourite Italian place, but even though they were all Jace's favourites - Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo, Four Cheese Baked Gnocchi, Spaghetti with Turkey Ragu, Cheesy Garlic Bread and Tiramisu for dessert - his mind was still on the the things Jesse had just told him. Once Jesse had put plates, cutlery, and napkins in front of them, he took Jesse's hand to get his attention. "I would never want you to take any of this off me, baby. Even if you could, I wouldn't let you. You just need to know that." He gave Jesse a soft kiss, his lips lingering against Jesse's when he wanted to make it last a little longer. "Have you been thinking about your real dad? Or about the cunt you thought was for most of your life? You're never going to be able to fully put either of those to bed. You were too late to get the chance to meet your dad like Merlin is. You never talked a lot about that at the time, when you found out."

Jesse took the lids off the pasta containers and served up some of each dish for Jace. Jace's fine motor skills were one of the first things to take a hit when he had seizures. He never opposed help when he was recovering from the because he just got frustrated if he tried himself and couldn't manage. Jesse just knew automatically what carer interventions Jace needed and when. Of course, it wasn't always spot on and sometimes, Jace just got pissed off at being disabled and could be snappy at the help. But Jesse did too when he tried to do things and couldn't after his own seizures. That's why he opted for Italian for dinner. Jace only needed to navigate a fork to eat it and could eat the garlic pizza without cutlery. He nodded and smiled tiredly at his husband, putting his hand to the back of Jace's head so he could tenderly kiss his forehead. "Of course, I know that, darlin'. You don't want me suffering anymore than I want you to be. Epilepsy is a just a shitshow and it's okay to just plain hate it some days. Maybe it's better for me to say I wish I could take it from us both and blast it into outer space forever so neither of us have to deal with it. If only, huh?" He served himself up some of the less cheesy/creamy options because he didn't want to end up with a sore stomach of regret later. He never did well with overly creamy stuff but Jace loved it. "I'm, um... yeah. I've been trying to figure out exactly what's making me so emotional. It's a bit of mess in my head. I wanted Cillian to know he could ask me anything and it was a safe space to offload some of the stuff I knew he'd be feeling because I went through the whole trying to find my biological dad. It's a strange, surreal mix of feelings that don't all make sense. You feel straddled over two lives, the one you always knew and the scary uncertain one you're facing head-on but knowing you could well be rejected from before you even step into it. It's terrifying and even painful in some ways. I did want to try to buffer Merlin from some of that because it's a disconcerting feeling when it's happening and he's been through so much already. But it's making me think a lot about my old life and what I went through. It's also bringing back that odd sadness of missing the dad I never knew and yearning for him to just give me a hug and tell me he loves me and wants me, which is all Cillian really wants. Shit, I don't know why I'm so teary. I'm so happy for Merlin. I don't want him to think I'm not." He grabbed a napkin and pressed his eyes with it to get rid of the tears before they fell.

Jace scoped his plate and grabbed a fork to start with gnocchi. "This is all amazing but I'm totally going to be farting my brains out in bed later. I might need to sleep on the sofa," he joked, flashing Jesse a cheeky smile but only to lighten things just a little. If Jesse wanted to back out of the deep-and-meaningful chat because he was just too tired to think too much on it, Jace wanted him to know he could. Sometimes when things were tough, the only way to really face it was have a joke or a laugh. It was how Jace grew up after his brain injury and it helped having three big brothers. Then again, there were those days where laughing or joking was just too hard too. No their dinner was served up, he took Jesse's hand to hold while they ate. "Merlin will never think that. I'd bet it wouldn't even cross his mind. You're one of the people he reaches out to first when he needs support. You're who Brandon called when Merlin was sick. Merlin will understand if you're struggling too, baby. It's okay. It's allowed. You'd have to be completely brain-dead - no pun intended - not to have your feelings stirred up. Did you want to go visit your dad? We could take some flowers for his grave and you could talk to him. It's been awhile since you went to MA to visit your new family there. Even though Autumn's here and you talk to her all the time. Do you also mean the conversion therapy? You always said that's what really triggered everything, you coming here and then Ethan spotting the anomaly in your medical records when you were in hospital. If you knew all along that your father wasn't your real father, you might never have had to go through that. Cry if you need to, okay? I'm here. Maybe it's a warning sign? Sometimes our emotions can go all weird before a seizure. How about after dinner, we take a bubble bath together and get an early night?"

Jesse laughed and pushed his spaghetti around with his fork. "Then we'll make sure you're not the little spoon tonight. But I can't forgo snuggling for another night. You were in pain and running hot the past few nights, so I just left you alone and rubbed your back while you slept. I didn't want you to be uncomfortable when you couldn't tell me what was wrong. Bubble bath and an early night with you sounds like exactly what I need, darlin'. Even if I'm risking you turning the bath into a jacuzzi after this dinner." It wasn't had to joke back with Jace. He didn't want this to turn into a pity party when it was the first he had Jace back feeling himself in days. It would always be tough when Jace was sick and pulled away but his seizures did affect his moods and emotions sometimes because of the location of the brain injury. The emotional separation was tough when usually, they were extremely close emotionally and physically. When they were both well, they had a really healthy sex life and were both huge romantics at heart. He didn't take any of that for granted. "You're right, beautiful. I should probably talk to Merlin about some of this. But I'm conscious of not wanting to burden him more than he already is at the moment. I do have to chat with him about how things went with Cillian, though. When I called, Brandon said he was crashed out so I'll go around and see him tomorrow."

He put his fork down on the side of the plate because even just letting his memory walk back to the conversion therapy tactics he was subjected to made his stomach clench. He squeezed Jace's hand, appreciating that he was reminding that he was always there to listen, even if mentally, he didn't always fully understand or retain more complex things sometimes. He still tried and Jesse loved him for it. "That's... yeah. As pointless as it is expended energy thinking about it, I've been wondering how life could've been if my mother chose to give me up for adoption like she did Merlin. Or, ideally, tell my real father she was pregnant with his child so he could've made the choice to know me. To love me. Which is all silly and pointless to waste energy on. They're just what-ifs. No one can really go back in time to change things, as cool as owning a Delorean would be. All the religious shit, the strictness and coldness with me, the conversion therapy, making me hate myself for what I was, I didn't need to go through any of it. Maybe I need to go back to therapy. Not sure visiting my dad's grave will bring me much peace this time. I really hope this feeling isn't because I'm going to end up having a seizure myself. It's the last thing any of us needs right now." He picked up his fork again and took a small mouthful of the spaghetti in lieu of giving into that urge to cry. He really didn't have any appetite, though.

"I'm lucky you love me because creamy pasta could be grounds for a divorce." Jace slipped his fingers through Jesse's, always enjoying how it felt to have their fingers laced together. He loved holding hands with his husband. It was always one of the first things he was conscious off coming out of bad epilepsy patches where he spent any length of time not conscious of his surroundings. Jesse always had warm hands and whenever he sat with Jace when he was poorly, he held his hand. He would always take his hand before trying to communicate with him too and sometimes, it could help Jace anchor through the worst of it. But mostly, it was just a special comfort for him and he could still tolerate it, even when he was in a lot of pain. Though, it sounded like that might have even gone to shit this time. He didn't like to think that he somehow wouldn't want Jesse near but he had no control over how his brain functioned - or lack thereof - when it happened. It did alter his mood and personality when it was exacerbated. He just didn't like to think about being someone not him. Him, only not. He couldn't even imagine how it could be if their positions were switched and Jesse changed when he was ill. He was sure it would hurt like hell. "You won't burden him. I think it'd feel more of a burden to him if he knew you weren't talking to him trying not to burden him. You and Merlin are more similar than you realise and one of the big similarities is you're both amazing listeners. I know it's a big deal for you and you don't like to think about it but maybe now is as good an opening as any to talk to him about some of that religious abuse, the conversion therapy. I think he'd want to know what you've been through. I'd want to know if it was my big brother. And I can say that as someone who Ev kept his drug abuse from for a long time so he didn't burden me with it and I wasn't ashamed of him."

He stuck his fork in under his pasta so he could put his other hand over their joined hands, brushed his knuckles affectionately while he analysed Jesse's face to try to see around the words, for want of a better way for him to think about it. Jesse was being open with him but he could also be very controlled and calm in how he spoke, even when emotional. Doing the job he did, he knew how to mask his real feelings and Jace knew he didn't mean to be doing it. Mostly, he just wanted to be a calm force for others. Which he was but Jace wanted him to know it was okay for him not to be okay with something like this. "It's not silly or pointless. It's really valid to wonder those things. Anyone would in your shoes, baby. But if she had given you up for adoption, you might never have learned Merlin was your brother. We probably wouldn't have met. There's all those things. But wish that you would've had a life without that senseless pain? You're allowed to think about that. Therapy's a good idea when things that hurt are shaken up again. Hell, look at me. I still go because I can't always think through that stuff. Have you spoken to any therapists about this stuff?"

Jesse rested his head on his other hand, giving Jace a faint but amused smirk. He appreciated Jace's humour, considering they were talking about things he was sure he was ready to directly confront just yet. He wasn't really avoiding it. He hadn't been actively avoiding telling Merlin the true extent of the religious abuse and homophobia he had been victim to from his own parents and family members and he always promised himself that if ever they stumbled across it, he would be open and honest. They hadn't because even though the Larsons had been members of the same church as his parents, they hadn't been remotely as religious and even then, they stopped going after Damien came out as gay and had his parents' full support. There was a time when Brandon was really unwell in the lead up to his and Merlin's wedding that it came near when Wesley moved to New York and admitted his father had hit him. Merlin had asked Wes if it was because he was gay but Wes hadn't come out at that point. It just wasn't the right time for Jesse to touch on his own past with Brandon being so unwell. "I'm never divorcing you, darlin'. You're stuck with me forever, I'm afraid. It's not like I haven't had my moments. How old were you when Evan told you about his substance issues? He would've been concerned you'd blame yourself too, though. I know how you both operate. I think Merlin's going to feel guilty he got out and I didn't. Because that's just natural for him. I don't want him to ever think that."

"That's the part I find difficult to calibrate. Everything that happened led me here. Without it, I just wouldn't be here. I don't mean alive, though I hit rock bottom enough to think the world might be better off without me after the conversion therapy. I just mean at this exact place and I wouldn't change anything in my life because of that. Not even having epilepsy because if I didn't, I wouldn't have met my soul mate. Eventually, I weathered the worst of it and escaped to make my own way. What I wanted more than anything was to leave it in my past. It was something I knew I'd not have to go through ever again and I didn't want it to turn me into someone I didn't like, let it bleed into the things I was choosing happiness in. I get that's probably a real simplistic or even naïve way of looking at it but it took enough from me. They took enough from me. My childhood. My brother. Parental love without conditions. I look back and doubt they did love me how they were supposed to. Maybe because my father knew I wasn't his. Not that I'm making excuses for him. He's a violent homophobe. But I really think the only reason they even kept me was because they didn't believe in termination or divorce. I really think they both hated me right deep down inside because I was a product of their sins. Then when I turned out being gay, they saw that as punishment for them. Same as me getting meningitis and having epilepsy. It was punishment for me being flawed. Born wrong. I'd say they both blame my biological father for that and that makes me feel physically sick. So, I know they probably think the same about Merlin now. I heard through mutual friends of family members that they were disgusted when he announced he was married to a man. I just fucking hate that this is my past." He put his hand over his face and shook his head with a sigh. "Thank god for the Larsons, getting him away from all that."

Jace had a mouthful of pasta when Jesse said that but still managed to give him a grin. He licked some of the sauce from his lips and washed it down with a drink. But when Jesse asked him a pretty heavy question that he couldn't immediately recall the answer to, he put his fork on the side of his plate so he could softly caress his his fingers over the back of his neck. "I guess I did blame myself but I didn't know that was what it was. It was at a time where my emotions were all, like, mixed up. I didn't know how to even communicate what I was feeling. It was just like, fuck, I turned my brother into an alcoholic. Maybe when I was about sixteen? I was old enough to know what alcoholic meant and that because of my accident, that's why he did it. But didn't have the capacity to connect that it wasn't my fault, it was because he blamed himself. For awhile there, I kinda felt like everything was my fault. My family was different. They all had to take care of me. They treated me different. I lost friends. But the guilt thing? It's just sort of natural when you love your family. You don't want them hurting in any way and it's hard when they do. I saw and felt that but didn't understand that was what they were feeling for me. Brain injury is so fucking weird. Even now, I know on my bad days, my brain's being dumb. It's frustrating when I can't explain how."

"Fuck them." His words were blunt and delivered like he was almost spitting them out. The sizzling anger he had felt when he went to South Carolina to confront Jesse's mother when Ethan, a neurology resident working with Evan at the hospital and close friend, discovered from an anomaly in his medical records that there was no way his father could be his biologically. Jesse had been unconscious after a serious seizure and Jace went to demand his mother come clean about how Jesse was conceived and who his real father was, so he could be armed with the information when they revealed it to Jesse. Jace had been furious. He didn't understand how anyone could've treated his husband like that when Jesse was such a sweet, kind, and beautiful person. He didn't deserve it. Of course, it turned out to be worse. Jesse's upbringing was awful because of religion and bigotry. Those feelings resurfaced here and his protective streak for his husband came surging back. "No, seriously, baby. Fuck them. Neither you nor Merlin are anything even remotely close to what they have painted you to be. And what they've painted you to be is fucking atrocious. They had no fucking right to put their shit on you. Your relationship with Merlin is all that matters now. With Damien too. I know you pretty much consider him a brother now. I know you need to feel all this because it's being dragged back up. But you're exhausted too. When you talk to Merlin about everything, I want you to tell him that. Okay? Because I think admitting that to him will really help. You know why? Because you did the same with me when we met and you saw when I struggled, admitted to me you did too. That some days, it was just shit. I think finding out you weren't the person you always thought you were is huge and you and Merlin have both gone through that. He needs to know how it impacted you. I really do think now's the time. Then you can rest and lock it away again."

It was a relief to see Jace's appetite had returned. It was always a battle after his seizures. Whether he had issues with texture or taste, whether he couldn't swallow anything more than fluids or pureed food, whether he was too nauseous to keep anything down, or often all of the above. Banana smoothies had become a staple. Bananas had been a favourite of Jace since he was a kid and it was one of the only flavours his brain had been able to identify when he was recovering from the brain injury and receiving speech therapy. He reverted to some of that immediately after his more severe seizures. Jesse was always terrified when his most basic of functions were disrupted. It could always very rapidly lead to a serious medical emergency where Jace's life was on the line. He had learned a lot about nursing brain-injured people since meeting Jace. "That's why I'm here. Why we're all here. To do everything we can so you don't have to explain. But I know it gets you real upset when it's happening. You're scared and feeling awful. None of that is your fault, darlin'. I've noticed since Evan's been back that when he's not feeling well, you watch him a lot. Are you worried drinking caused the Crohn's and think somehow that's your fault? You push him away a lot when you're not well. I didn't know if it could be something going on in your subconscious. We don't have to talk about it, though. You're allowed to feel whatever you need to about being disabled and having to live with the trauma. I don't want to get you upset."

This was something Jesse knew Jace would forever had a lot of anger around. Evan had told him how the confrontation between Jace and Jesse's mother had gone down. It was the most angry Evan had ever seen him. Jesse had no intentions of ever speaking to his mother again, though. He would never tolerate having to justify his and Jace's existence and love ever again. "I'll tell him," he promised quietly, more playing with the food on his plate with his fork than eating much of it. "Cillian's a lovely guy. I think he can only bring love and positivity to Merlin's life at a time he really needs to be reminded of all that. But he comes from a very, well, traumatic background himself. He used to be in the Air Force. A pilot with medical training. He was nearly killed in action when his helicopter was shot down and now he's a paraplegic in a wheelchair. There's a lot about him that Merlin will need to process and feel a lot of complicated things in learning about. I felt the same sort of way when I found out my father had died before I got to meet him. I'm glad Merlin doesn't have to face that. He's got the chance to meet him and I know he'll value that once he can wade through everything else weighing on him right now. I still really struggle with the notion of missing someone I never met. Some days, I miss him so much, it hurts a whole lot. I don't have any parents because my mother was a serial adultress who didn't give a fuck about the lives she created in the process."

Jace didn't answer immediately. Not because he didn't want to but sometimes, heavier and more emotional subjects, he needed longer to process his thoughts or what someone was saying to him. He finished off his piece of garlic pizza, leaving most of the crust, which he discarded on a spare napkin while his other hand fidgeted with his fork. Even then, with some time to let what Jesse asked sink in and percolate a bit, he still wasn't sure exactly what he was feeling. "I-- I don't..." He stopped, scrunching his face up a little and then looked back to Jesse with a small sigh of frustration at himself. Although it was a simple enough question, if was about a massive, scary subject matter he had never really known how to work through. Even with therapists or doctors, he usually just ended up getting frustrated and crying. More than a decade since he was hit by a car and got the brain injury, some parts of it were still very raw. Probably always would be. Jesse knew that. It was why he was being tender and gentle trying to navigate it. "I don't know if it's any of that. I think it's just... um... I think I'm just angry at myself when I'm sick. That kind of what it feels like after a seizure. I think I thought I'd be more... better by now. Not getting worse. And I think I'm getting worse. A bit. I feel like a patient with Ev when I'm sick. I hate being reminded I'm a patient. It's not anything he does. But I just want to be his little brother." He shrugged because he didn't even know if he was making sense.

Slipping his arm around Jesse's waist, he snuggled in against him. "You can always share my mom and dad. Plus, the Larsons pretty much think you're theirs by default. I know none of that makes up for what you lost, though. One of the worst type of hurt is what you don't really understand, huh? Just kinda whirls around in your head without having a place to go. I've never had anyone close to me die before but I remember Justin saying that Sash would go to his friend, Andi's, grave to talk to her. You could try that with your dad. He's not there how you really want him to be but there's always some chance he could still be listening. Or you could write him a letter. Maybe it hurts so bad not because he's just not there but because there's so much you need to say to him."

"I can understand that anger, darlin'. For all we just get on and deal with it, some days, being epileptic is just the pits. Those are the days we don't feel like looking on the bright side and being reminded how strong we are. I just want you to know that. What ways do you feel like you're getting worse? Maybe it's time to get assessed again. It's been awhile since your last one. Your meds might need some adjusting. This has all been on your mind for awhile, huh?" Jesse kissed Jace's temple and rested his head against Jace's. He wanted to make sure he was navigating this as gently as possible because he could see and hear Jace was struggling with what was on his mind. "Do you not want him to be your doctor anymore? Or consult on your treatment, rather. You can tell him that. He's not going to be hurt if you just want him to be your big brother. I mean, I don't think he'll be able to be fully hands off because him being a specialist means you and I can live as independently as possible. We still need backup when I get sick. But he knows a lot of really incredible neurologists that he would trust to manage your treatment. It really is okay to just need your big brother. I think that's something I've really been learning with Merlin recently."

He always loved these moments where Jace reminded him how insightful he was. For all Jace's brain let him down sometimes, he was observant and empathetic. He smiled with a nod. "They're in the same resting place, you know. My dad and Andi. Real pretty place with lots of trees on the bank of a river. I didn't even realise that until Autumn told me. I only went that once and it felt like I was crashing someone else's private business. I'm not sure I'd even know where to start. It doesn't feel natural to me because I never knew him. I never even talked to the man I thought was my father all those years. He was always cold and rigid, it was never a thing."

Jace ran his tongue over his lips and answered with just a bit of a shrug but it wasn't really his only response. Just a stopover while he tried to figure out where his mind was with his health and with the Evan stuff. He nodded but he knew Jesse's question was more rhetorical than anything because Jesse knew him, way more than even he knew himself. Jesse knew when things were bothering him and usually had at least an inkling of what. But he was always so gentle and never pushed. Jesse always gave him the space he needed to sit with things and talk about them when he was ready. He wasn't always. He could get extremely upset and frustrated trying to work through something before he had capacity to confront it. Sure, that meant sometimes it all built up inside to boiling point and caused emotional outbursts. But even those, Jesse had all the time in the world for him. Before meeting Jesse, Jace didn't believe in soul mates. Now he knew without a shadow of doubt that they were real and he found his. "It feels like the seizures are more intense and taking longer to recover from but I guess I don't know if that's true or just feels like it. I always feel like utter shit until I don't. Then it's hard to know for sure what actually happened when I was sick. Would you tell me if you thought they were getting worse or would you only tell me if I asked? Ev would never tell me. Not unless there was something that really impacted on my life. When I was a kid and younger, it didn't matter. Now I'm grown up and married. It matters. It matters because it affects you. It's not that I don't want him to be my doctor. I just want him to be my big brother more. Like, maybe Ethan can do it and Ev just jump in when I'm real bad? Fuck. I don't know if I even know what I'm trying to say. Everything just feels... hugely big again after Sash..."

"Maybe we should go up to Boston and visit them both, then? Sash can't so we could go and ask her to try extra hard to get him through this. I mean, miracles can happen but he needs help. Do you think they know? People who have died, when the people they had to leave behind need help? Dad used to say he liked to think my grandma was watching over me when I was still in a coma but I don't know. I don't remember anything but it's nice to think about her sitting at my bedside holding my hand or something." He brushed his hand over Jesse's thigh, giving it a soft squeeze. "It's okay if it doesn't feel natural at first. Or if you try and you think it's not something that works for you. But I think if our loved ones we lose check in now and again to make sure we're okay, your dad would probably like to hear from you, hear how you are? Especially if that's not so good at the moment."

"Do you want to talk about Sash, darlin'? You've only brought it up in passing. You got pretty close to him when you were working with Justin on the designs for his branding and tour merchandise. You spent a lot of time with them both, so of course hearing that Sash has had a serious brain injury is going to be triggering for you. Probably in many different ways, a lot you might not even know how to explain or describe. I know if they were here rather than in Australia, you'd want to help in some way. Maybe you can when they come home. I know that Mark and Sam have reached out to Evan to see if he could chat to Sash's folks about consulting about Sash's prognosis and treatment. But also just help in caring for someone with a brain injury. It's devastating that the Stanfords are going through this when they've been through something similar before with Sash's dad. You're one person who will know what Sash is going to be going through now he's conscious and communicating. You don't need to talk about it, though. I just want you know you can if you need to. I'll never stop reminding you I'm always here for you." Jesse cupped his hand under Jace's chin and tenderly brushed a couple of kisses to his lips. "You need to tell Evan, beautiful. You don't want it to be something that keeps upsetting you. There doesn't have to be any immediate solution. But if you just need him to be your big brother, then as a big brother, he'd want to know these things are on your mind the most when you're sick. If we want to officially transfer your management over to Ethan, it might be a good time for him to assess if your seizures have been worse recently. I'd tell you if you asked but just know, there's so many potential layers to your condition being 'worse'. It's not a simple yes or no answer."

He never really interrogated his own beliefs much about this. As a nurse, he liked to have hope that there was plenty more than human capacity had to explain because in his line of work, you always had to have hope. Maybe that was even more so with him and Jace having the illnesses they did. You couldn't give up, no matter how much life was knocking you down. Jace was right, it was nice to think there could be some higher force to step in just a little when you were too weak to keep hope for yourself. He had time in his life he lost hope and those dark places were really lonely. The only thing was, he never thought about the chance his biological dad could be that for him. Was there a chance he was watching over him, along with his half-siblings, Autumn, Callum, and Casey? He nodded. "So, a short trip up to MA, then? If nothing else, I know Sash would appreciate if we could leave some flowers for Andi while he can't get there himself. It's a nice thought that they know if we need them, darlin'. But I don't know if it's a given. I've seen bad things happen to too many good people. Maybe they can only sometimes stick around to check on us, or for just a little while before they have to leave us behind. I think I'm a bit too tired to reason it out."

At first, Jace just lowered his head, shaking it slightly but didn't say anything. To say Sash had been on his mind a lot was a fierce understatement. The problem was, he had been struggling to understand the tangled web of thoughts and feelings that came with it. It had been a shock the night Jesse came home from work and told them all before dinner that Justin and Sash had been in a terrible car accident that had made the international news once it was known Justin was one of the victim. At that point, they hadn't received news whether either of them survived until there were updates via friends that Sash had been trapped in the car and needed to be rescued with the jaws of life and airlifted to Sydney while Justin was in emergency surgery from the injuries he sustained. Even then, it was another couple of days before confirmation came that Sash had sustained a serious head injury and in a coma on life support. Evan had been the one who told them that it appeared Sash had a ruptured aneurysm just prior to the crash but that it wasn't the cause of the accident. They now knew more, of course. Justin had begun to heal from his injuries, though he was still unable to stand or weight-bear, which could impact his future as a professional dancer and performer. Sash had regained consciousness but the brain injury left him with traumatic retrograde amnesia and didn't remember ever knowing Justin intimately. It was hard for Jace to hear because he had suffered with both traumatic retrograde and anterograde amnesia after he was hit by the car. Still to this day, he remembered nothing about the accident, had significant memory loss in the lead-up to it and very patchy memories of his recovery that culminated in his diagnosis of a traumatic brain injury. His memory capacity now was still impaired with limited ability to read and write or retain what he read. He had to learn new things via repetition of sight or hearing. In the wake of the accident, he had been non-verbal for some time, having lost the capacity for speech and verbal communication, but a therapist was able to teach him sign language, which he was still fluent in today. It was still a massive weight on his life and he'd never with the ordeal on another young person. It was still too early to know how Sash's injuries would impact his functioning and life going forward. "Guess it's just stirring a lot up. I don't know what I'd even want to talk about, really. I wish I could just send Justin a message and tell him it'll be fine eventually but we all know promises like that aren't helpful." He looked up at Jesse again, wetting his lips as he hesitated over the next bit. "Do you think I'm getting sicker? Am I getting worse?"

"Sounds really nice, baby. We could go to the beach again. I love the beach. Always reminds me of when we got engaged. It's just peaceful. Think maybe we both need some peaceful right now. Maybe people we lose are just with us the times we feel most alone? They might not be able to do anything but they're just there. You think your dad wouldn't be for you because you never met him? I think he would be. I think maybe even once he was gone, he knew you were his. Autumn said he was one of the best dads ever. He'd want you to visit him if helped you," he decided and it was his turn to give Jesse a soft smile and rested his head against Jesse's forehead, sliding his hand up the back of Jesse's shirt to rub his back.

"Justin's not coping well at the moment anyway. He's had serious injuries himself and his prognosis is even sketchy for now. Accident recovery and rehab isn't anything I need to guide you on, that's for sure. We could let his folks know that if he wants to reach out to you to talk to you about the brain injury side of things, he can when he's ready. If that's a way you think you might be able to help. You wouldn't have to make any promises. Justin already knows most promises of something better can't be assured. But he might find comfort in talking to someone who has survived a brain injury and lives a fulfilling life. It might also be too much for him to wrap his head around yet. Of course you're worrying about them both, though. You've been there." Jesse hadn't quite prepared himself for Jace to actually ask these questions directly but it was Jace, and he should've pre-empted it as a possibility. If he was being honest with himself, though, it was making him feel shaky and upset inside, which he could recognise as a by-produce of finding himself in the grips of compassion fatigue. "As a nursing specialist, I think it's probably time to at least review your treatment and get you assessed because you've had some seizure episodes that you're not easily coming out of. But as your husband, darlin', no, I don't think you're necessarily getting worse. I just think that as your brain has developed, the way your epilepsy and brain injury interact has changed. A brain doesn't fully develop until around the age of twenty-five, so things have still been developing. How that will look for you is different to normal development. I think the seizures have evolved and make you feel much worse, which could be as simple as needing different types of treatment. You're not any more difficult to take care of, if that's what you're thinking."

Sitting on the beach in peace and having space and time to think with Jace sounded glorious. It was just a lot harder to figure out if going to visit his father's grave in Massachusetts was what he needed emotionally. He nodded and cleared his throat. "How about we just start by putting some flowers on Andi's grave for Sash and then playing the stuff with my dad by ear? Maybe we could ask Merlin and Brandon if they want to come with us, get away for a few days before they need to think about Brandon's treatment again. I don't think heading away alone is a good idea. If I have a seizure, you can't be on your own if you fall ill too. It's not that I don't want to visit my dad's grave, it's just that all I feel like doing right now is going to bed and staying there for a few days. There's just too much going on. Getting away from the city for a bit might help. I don't always know how to switch off."

Taking another forkful of his pasta, Jace nodded when his thoughts inevitably ended up back to his own very long recovery and rehab ordeal. He was much younger than Justin and Sasha at just 9 years old when he was hit by the car but his recovery from that had been years. It delayed his development, he had to re-learn all his basic and complex functions, including speaking, walking, feeding himself. As a result, his puberty development was delayed and he never went back to school. These days, he hardly ever talked about those years and it wasn't just because his memory was patchy. He didn't even talk much about what he did remember, though Jesse was one person he had told everything he remembered, even if it took him months to work through it. Jesse never pushed, nor ever made him feel like just because they were in a committed relationship, Jace had to tell him everything. Or even anything. In fact, Jesse had assured him many time in their early days he never needed him to talk about what was too hard to revisit. It wasn't a compulsory necessity because they wanted to get married. But it just made Jace want to tell him everything, even if it took time for his brain to work through it. "I'd probably fuck it up and upset him anyway. Say stupid shit in accidentally stupid ways and remind him of just the horrible things about it. Justin doesn't need anyone heaping more horrible things onto him. But I do know what being brain-injured is like and I'd help if I could. It's just kinda... fucked that being brain-injured means I'd be shit at it. And by fucked, I mean that other word that I can't remember right now." He put his elbow on the table to rest his head on his hand, chewing the inner corner of his lip as he hesitated or a few moments, more playing with his food now than eating it. "What's been actually happening when I have seizures and after it? I don't even know if I want to know the answer to that but at the same time, I want to know what you deal with. If it's impacting on you and wearing you out. It sounds like they're different to how they used to be."

"Yeah, that'd be really nice. If anyone needs time away again, it's them." He put his fork down to brush his hand over Jesse's hair and then softly massaged his neck. "You don't always know how to switch off helping everyone else and it means you forget that you need help too sometimes. About the only time you relinquish to that is when you're waking up after a seizure feeling like death and have no choice but to let someone else help. So, if I asked really, really nicely, will you just let me try to help before you get to that point? Like, I'm pretty sure making sure you get rest, eat something decent, and be on the receiving rather than giving end of TLC, I'd help a bit, yeah?"

"It may upset his, sure, but it wouldn't be because you've fucked anything up. Trauma's a nasty bitch. You know that it has a way of amplifying things and making emotions really fragile. Everything for Justin right now is really upsetting for him but he will get to a point where he needs things to anchor to get to the next phase of their recovery. That acute phase right after a bad accident, you and your family know all too well how all-encompassing, scary, and confusing it is. So many unanswered questions or little to have hope in. Sometimes, having the support of other people who have been through it can be priceless. Isn't that Justin's MO? You don't just know what it's like to be brain-injured, darlin', you nothing is easy or black and white in surviving and living with a brain injury. If anyone can just be like, 'You know what? It's sucks and it really hurts, and that's okay', it's you. You wouldn't be heaping horrible things onto him, you'd be offering to sit with him in them so he's not alone. And by that, I don't mean physically alone. You mean ironic? Ironic that being brain-injured would make you be shit at helping someone deal with a brain injury? That would be ironic but you wouldn't be shit at it because there's no right or wrong way. No two brain injuries are the same." Jesse could see in the intense way Jace was looking at him for his response that this was important to him and it was one of those times Jace would be a dog with a bone. When something about his disability stuck in his head, he struggled to move on until he could calibrate it, make sense of it. "It's not wearing me out. It's not. I just seem to have more anxiety about losing you lately and I don't know why. Maybe because there's not really a pattern anymore."

It took his brain a few moments to catch up with what Jace said. Or rather, what he thought he heard between the lines of what he said. "Wait. Jace, darlin', do you think what I'm feeling now is in some way your fault? And when you take care of me, it doesn't help, so that's why I'm feeling like this? No. No, I mean it when I say this isn't because of you or taking care of you. You're my world, okay? There's no one else I want taking care of me when I need it too. You're not incapable of helping me or looking after me when I need it, you're just out of action if you're not well yourself. Hey, listen to me beautiful," he murmured, taking Jace's other hand to kiss his fingers. "I'm just a bit emotionally overloaded and it's really just a hazard of the job I do. When I'm feeling like this, you're my escape from it, not the cause. You're right, I'm absolutely terrible at knowing how to switch off my nurse mode but you always know when I'm not feeling 100%. You're my husband, you help more than anyone else."

Jace knew they would get back to issue of him helping Justin and Sasha as someone who had a brain-injury infiltrate every facet of his life. The thing was, Justin had a medically classified disability also, just psychological rather than physical and neurological like Jace, so the last thing Justin needed was anyone telling him how to suck eggs. It was solely the brain injury and living with it that they might appreciate Jace's input from if Sash got a diagnosis that he would have long-term complications from the brain injury he sustained. That could be the difficult part as Jace didn't always know how to talk about it, about living with it. He tried but his brain did sometimes get scrambled and he was anxious that might scare Justin or Sash's family. That didn't mean he didn't want to help if they needed him. For now, it was hard to focus on when his worry for Jesse was increasing. "Okay, but you're still not telling me what happens now, which makes me think there is something that's different and taking its toll on you. Which is... I know I'm brain-injured and can be a bit dense sometimes but not so much that I don't get that this can just be... a lot sometimes. You'd never say that to me. You'd never even think it. But I'm going to ask it because you need to be taken care of too. If your health screws up, I risk losing you too. We've got to talk about this. We have to be able to talk about it. We promised that when we got married."

"It is some way my fault! Just... not in a fault way. Fuck." He pushed the heels of his palms against his eyes when he started to get frustrated with himself not being able to find the ways to say things that he was shooting for. No matter how many years he lived with this, it just got to him sometimes and that was especially so when he was worried about Jesse. Jesse had this way of always trying to shield him and buffer him, which he loved him for but it had the counterproductive result of reminding him he was a sick and disabled person. The inadequacy and uselessness were that hardest feelings to deal with. "It can be a lot sometimes and that's okay. That's all I'm trying to say. I don't want you to hold that back from me. Tell me how you're feeling with no censoring so I know how to help more."

Jesse drew a deep breath and let it out slowly, putting his hand on Jace's arm both in an effort to calm him and in apology. The last thing he wanted to do was get Jace upset when it was never easy for him to regulate his emotions after he'd been having seizures. If that was one thing he and Jace shared with their illnesses, it was that. Jesse's emotions were always raw and fragile when he was recovering from a seizure too. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm not firing on all cylinders today. I promise, I'm not purposefully dodging answering, I'm just a bit slow on the uptake. You're just completely out of it, darlin'. It starts much the same, you check out and most of the time, you still come out of it in a few minutes like usual. You'll be sick and really dizzy, which gets worse if we try to move you too much. Then you'll either come through it and be feeling pretty crappy but just crash out and sleep it off. If it's a real bad one, though, it might happen over and over for a few days. You might be out of it but still really sick because of what's going on in your brain or you're awake but not really. You can't communicate. When you start to come through it, that's when you've been getting upset or angry that you can't communicate and you've been fighting against my help. That gets difficult when..." He hesitated, knowing what he was about to say was one part Jace had always been extremely sensitive and embarrassed about. "When you're incontinent or you can't drink or eat without help. You can't verbalise if you're feeling sick or need to be sick and if you get sick on yourself, you get upset when we have to get you cleaned up, so I try to do all I can to pre-empt what you need. But you're not really there, so I can't reassure you it's okay. Which is all I want to do. But it's not too much and it's not why I'm feeling fatigued. It's just one of multiple things that are weighing on me."

When Jace had his hands to his eyes, Jesse rubbed his back and closed his eyes briefly, feeling terrible he was doing a crappy job reassuring Jace. "Yeah, it can be a lot but it's not too much. It's what we both signed up for when we got married, remember? There were no more words I meant in my life than our wedding vows. I won't censor with you, okay? I'll try to tell you what I'm feeling, I promise. The only thing is, I don't really know exactly all I'm feeling at the moment. I think that's why I'm doing a shitty job relaying it to you. I need rest, that's all. I think we both do. That's all I'm trying to say. Of course I want you to help me and take care of me, but I'm okay. Rest is all I need. Maybe extra cuddles."

"I'm sorry. I'm not getting frustrated at you, I promise. I'm just... I remember some of the bad stuff. Like, it's hazy and I guess it's more just a consciousness of how bad I'm feeling with it but I hate that I remember that but not so much you there helping me. It pisses me off because you do so much for me and I feel like I'm leaving you to fly blind with it all. Which is so fucking dumb, I know. Beyond dumb. It's not like I can control my dumbfuck brain injury or the seizures. But the bad ones are definitely worse when they happen from what you're saying, so this feeling like I'm getting worse, it's not just all in my head and making a big deal out of nothing?" Jace searched his husband's face and when he saw the exhaustion staring back at him written all over Jesse, he touched his cheek and then cupped his hand behind Jesse's head to invite him into a soft but lingering kiss. After it, he caressed his thumb over Jesse's cheek, their foreheads resting together. "I hate hat you can't even escape being a nurse at home. When we got married, I knew there'd be those occasional times I'd had really bad ones but not as often as they are now. Maybe we can hire, like, a home nurse for those times so it's not all on you and Evan...?" He hated asking it. It hurt. But he didn't know how else to help.

He nodded and wrapped his arms around Jesse. "I can do extra cuddles. I can give you backrubs or draw you a bubble bath. I can snuggle with you in bed while you rest. Remember one of our first dates after I'd had a seizure and was feeling a bit rough, so we couldn't go out like we planned and you built me an amazing pillow fort in the living room? We watched our favourite movies and just lay in there together. Maybe we need to do that again, for you this time? Ask for some time off work, yeah? We can play it by ear but I want you to take some time off to really rest properly and switch off. Otherwise, you're going to be so burnt out, you get really sick. I want to know I can nurse you the same way you nurse me, but I can't and that hurts so fucking much."

"Are you purposefully trying to piss me off by suggesting I see taking care of you as part of my job?" Normally, Jesse had all the patience in the world but if there was one thing that had the capacity to be a touchy subject when he was running on empty and his emotions were frayed, it was this. A big part of him knew Jace didn't mean anything hurtful or offensive but he also knew Jace's brain injury meant he usually had no filter, so his honesty was as reliable as honesty could get, so Jesse was hurt by what he said. "What are you trying to get me to say, Jace? That, yeah, you're getting worse so I'm no longer capable of handling it? Do you see taking care of me as a job, as a chore, when I'm sick? I can't believe you even..." He just trailed off, shaking his head and pushed his plate away. If he barely had an appetite before, he definitely didn't now. He didn't want to argue with Jace or upset him more than he already was but he was definitely upset himself now too and didn't want to accidentally say anything he didn't mean or would regret because he was exhausted. That was never a good mix with emotions.

He rubbed his eyes slowly, tiredly. "I don't know if I feel like it, if you're just going to keep drilling me to say you're worse and don't want me looking after you anymore. I don't really feel like being told I'm shit at what I do because sometimes, I get tired and sometimes, caring for people who are sick and in pain means I take their pain on board so they're not carrying it alone. If that makes me shit at being a caring husband, then I don't fucking know the answer because this is me and I'm not ashamed of that. I lived with shame of being me long enough and I won't do it anymore. I don't need a nurse, I need my husband. I think I'm just going to go to bed. This is not doing either of us any good."

"Jess, I didn't say that. I definitely didn't mean it. I'm just trying to tell you I'm worried I'm getting worse, that's all. I get it, you're not feeling well and don't need me whining about everything when you're exhausted. Just forget I said anything. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it how it sounded. You should get some sleep. I'm here if you need anything." Jesse hardly ever got snappy, so it was always jarring for Jace when he did. But it did go a long way to showing him just how exhausted Jesse was and even getting a good night's sleep probably wouldn't do a whole lot for it. Jace was already feeling pretty fucking useless but now he felt pretty fucking useless and guilty for hurting Jesse like that. It was kicking him he was already down. He hated fighting with Jesse so much, he could feel his appetite dwindling and it was only seeing Jesse push his plate away that he noticed how little his husband touched any of the food. It wasn't like Jesse was a massive eater. He was a typical nurse who could run on very little and make it through really difficult shifts at work but this was barely a bite or two in and he wondered if Jesse was downplaying how rough he was feeling so he didn't worry him more of it he didn't actually realise his appetite had taken a hit too. He wanted to ask him about it because if there was one thing he did get, it was that sometimes, in the lead up to having seizures, you could feel off in ways that were hard to explain but he didn't want to piss Jesse off even more, so he just quietly started to put the lids back onto the takeout containers, expecting Jesse to storm out of the conversation like he sounded like he wanted to.

Jesse was about to get up and go inside but not to storm off. As soon as he saw Jace's reaction and the look on his face, he knew unintentionally misdirecting what he was feeling and taking it out on the wrong person. There was no one at fault or to blame, it was a culmination of a lot of little things compounding. He put his hand over Jace's before he picked up the next lid. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you, darlin'. That wasn't fair. But what you said did hurt. I don't want you to think you can't talk to me about these things. You can. Always. I'll reassure you but I'm not sure you believe me when I do. You're not any sicker than you always have been. You're still just in your early twenties, so your brain isn't fully developed yet. Your seizures are just more intense and you're taking longer to come through the episodes. I've talked a lot to Evan and Ethan about it. They said the time to be concerned is when you have the ones you don't come through easily, more often. The ones you can't regain consciousness with and you need hospital treatment for. That doesn't mean they won't run tests if you're worried. It's okay if you don't trust my judgement on any of it. It's your body, not mine. You're allowed to be worried and scared. That also doesn't mean I don't get scared and worried that might be what we're facing any time you do have seizures but it's on me to cope better. It doesn't mean it's too much of you're a burden. I really am sorry me not feeling so hot today made you feel like you shouldn't talk to me about it. I never want you to think that." He got really emotional then and his voice wavered, feeling that tightness in his throat when he veered close to tearing up. "Is it too late to accept that offer of a bubble bath? That and an early bed will really help."

Jace put his arms around Jesse and kissed his forehead before wrapping him in a full hug. He looked and sounded like he needed one, and Jace did too. He was glad they were one of those strange couples who very rarely argued about anything. That didn't mean there wasn't tension. He knew when his moods and emotions were a bit skewed with his brain injury, he could have a short fuse. That was why he could never spite Jesse feeling emotionally fragile and sensitive. "Of course it's not too late. I just need you to know first, though, that I wasn't asking about getting worse to try to say you're not capable or that I don't want you taking care of me. That's never going to be a thing. Literally ever. And if it is, then I'll know I'm worse and beyond help to be saying that sort of thing. But I'm always going to wish this wasn't our normal and wish we didn't have to think about any of it. You would never tell me it's too much so I have to ask sometimes. That's part of me taking care of you. I didn't say it in the best way and went about what I was trying to say badly. I was just trying to see if you needed help at the moment. You're not feeling good and if I was worse, it would be okay to say if you needed more help." He sat back a little see Jesse's face again, hands resting on Jesse's hips. "Are you feeling sick? You barely touched the dinner. Literally barely. You had a couple of bites. If I ask if you maybe need to see a doctor, would you give me an honest answer? That's not me asking if you're lying. I mean, an honest answer with yourself. What do you need help with?"

Jesse nodded, even if he was still trying to figure out what the best way to tackle any of this was. But he knew Jace wasn't so much looking for reassurance - which was where Jesse would always try to go first for anyone - as he was trying to assess if he should be on the train to freaking out. That was precisely what Jesse was trying to prevent as much as he could. It wasn't healthy for Jace to be stressed, especially not on the back of seizure episodes. "Sorry, no. I'm not feeling sick, that's not what I was nodding at. I was just agreeing that making an appointment for a check up with the doctor is a good idea. Just to confirm this is nothing to be concerned about, if nothing else. I'm just not hungry, darlin'. I never am when I'm overtired. If I try to eat, I'm sure feeling sick is where I'll end up, though. You don't need to worry. At least, not excessively. I'm not trying to spite you being concerned because I'm not myself. 'Course you're going to be. It's just about needing to take a lil' extra care of myself because I've been dropping the ball with it. Merlin being unwell and the news about Brandon all hitting at once, then your seizures. Plus, I'm worried about Beau. And how Merlin's going to get on with Cillian. It's a lot of layers of stress, that's all. If I'm not feeling any better in the morning, I'll make an appointment to see the doctor and you can come along with me. Deal?"

Jace stood and offered Jesse both his hands to help him up too. He didn't blame Jesse for hoping a good night's sleep would patch some of what he was feeling up. It was always a long shot, though. Especially when Jesse was an extremely light sleeper and if things were playing on his mind, he struggled to get to sleep or stay asleep. "Okay, but with one proviso. You let me make sure you have something for breakfast, even if about all I can make without supervision is cereal or a banana smoothie." Once Jesse stood too, Jace took both his hands and searched his face quietly for a moment. "I'm trying, okay? I know I miss the mark a lot and today, you probably need me to not do that today more than ever. I never feel like I'm able enough to take care of you and I don't want to piss you off saying that. I just... just don't always know what I can do to help. I get scared I'm going to make it worse and I don't know how to stop feeling like that. I've been feeling like that all my life. At least, the parts of my life since I was hurt. It's like, I realise you're not doing so well and I panic inside about that, then it takes my head a bit to catch up that you're not actually telling me or needing me to do anything. I-- I dunno what I'm really trying to say but there, I said it. For what it's worth." He gave Jesse a look that clearly showed he just confused himself more than he was before he said anything, so how the hell could he expect Jesse to get it?

"I know, darlin'. This is on me for being a snappy bitch and taking what you said the wrong way. Nothing you do or don't do can make something like this worse. The only thing I need is you to be there. Unless I'm post-seizure myself and can't communicate, I promise I'll tell you if there's anything specific you can do. There is never a time I want you feeling you can't tell me if you're frustrated or upset your disability. It's disability, not inability. There hasn't been one moment since I met you that I've felt you're unable to help me. You do more reflexively and subconsciously than you realise. There's no one else more able at being my husband than you and I genuinely mean that. This is just not something you've had to deal with before and you always struggle when we're knocked out of our comfort zone because your brain doesn't process new information. It takes time for it to stamp into your psyche. We're kinda in the same boat in that sense because the reason I'm feeling like this is a few different things out of my comfort zone are compounding. Other than what you already do naturally to help, probably the best way is just be a bit more vigilant than we usually are that this might increase my risk of seizures because I'm stressed and rundown. Not to the point you're stressing and no sleeping yourself. You're recovering, you need rest. Promise to let Evan, Christian and Nana help if it comes to that? Only because I know you. If you're feeling insecure, you'll think you need to double down on proving you're capable. We both need a bit more help right now. Are we on the same page with that?" Jesse was holding his gaze so intently and that in itself told Jesse that his husband's mind needed more time and space to process everything in general after he had been sick. Sometimes, they needed to repeat things a few times until Jace calmed down and processed that he didn't need to be in fight or flight mode. "Will it help if I read you some information about compassion fatigue later? What's worrying you the most? I can see it's something."

Jace didn't know if he should say it but he knew Jesse would know he wasn't being upfront and open if he denied it was anything. His face always gave him away, he couldn't help it, and Jesse knew how to read him better than anyone. Even better than himself. He was an unreliable narrator to himself when he couldn't always identify what he was feeling. Somehow, though, Jesse just knew. It was like a sixth sense and how Jesse had been so easy to trust in those early days when they fell hard for each other. "To be fair, sometimes I do need to prove I'm capable. You all just don't always realise that's how some of this stuff makes me feel. Sometimes, I'd rather just be left to do something I might pretty obviously fail at than have the option taken out of my hands entirely before I can even try." Wow, that admission kind of came out of nowhere for him and he was thinking it and expressing it before his brain could confuse him with it. He knew his family didn't mean to hurt him when they were taking over things to try to protect him but it did hurt him and this was the first time he had been able to verbalise that specific feeling. And then, while he still had a little courage, "Are you at risk of hurting yourself? Intentionally, I mean. Or worse. That's the help I'm trying ask if you need. Not bubble baths and cuddles. Because other times, I know there's things I'm not capable of handling."

Jesse shook his head and brushed his hands up and down Jace's arms. "No, that's not what I'm experiencing, darlin', but I'm glad you asked. Not everyone would think to. I've only felt like that once in my life and it was during and immediately after the conversion therapy. You were right in asking because I'm not myself. I'm sorry for the times I've made you feel like you have to prove you're capable. I've never thought that. I've only ever been concerned you're overtaxed when you're struggling with functioning levels and I'm trying to prevent you getting hurt. Being a carer for someone isn't a profession and it's not foolproof. I make mistakes and get it wrong sometimes, a lot of the time because I want you to retain as much agency and independence as you can. I know how important that is for you. If I'm doing or saying anything that makes you feel like that, just tell me. Call me out on it. The same would go for Evan, Nana, Christian, your family. All of us. If we're encroaching on that agency, just let us know. Okay? Some days, it isn't easy for us to tell if your functioning is skewy or you're just having a tougher day and I know I'm guilty of just trying to help so you don't have to be reminded you need the help by me asking. Would you prefer me to ask? You're not going to offend me if you say you do. We've always communicated these things well with each other. I always want you to tell me what you need and I'll do everything I can to respect that. I love you. I'm sorry I've contributed to you feeling that way."

"Jess, please don't do that..." Jace murmured, shaking his head sadly. "You keep putting blame on yourself but I'm not looking for blame to be anywhere, especially not on you, baby. I'm getting this sense you're feeling guilty and like you're putting us out not feeling well. It's true, you're a rock for all of us. You just... hold it all together when things go to shit and you're unconditionally there for all of us, no questions asked. Any time of day or night, literally. You went to Merlin in the middle of the night when Brandon called and they both needed you. You always step up. You don't need to apologise. All I'm doing is trying to figure out how I can help you, you don't need to justify any of it. Those things you think are mistakes, they've never been fucking mistakes because there's no right or wrong way with my shit. I know that. It's different every day and that's got to be exhausting. Please don't stop being you or doing you however you need to. Because you're perfect. But you're burnt out and I see that now. I'm just glad we're talking, that's all. Bath, yeah? You can't go wrong with bubbles and naked, right?"

Biting his lip, Jesse briefly lowered his gaze to his shoes because Jace just gently called him out on exactly what he was feeling, though it was in a complicated way that he hadn't recognised until Jace said it. He didn't want to put anyone out by not feeling so hot, he wanted to be okay to help. Before Jace could turn to head inside for the bath, he took both of Jace's hands, stroking his thumbs over his knuckles. "I don't see taking care of you as nursing. I see it as just being your husband. I just needed you to know that, darlin'. That's why I got defensive, it felt like maybe I was failing at that in some way. Being your husband will never be a burden. There's nothing I'd ever not do for you. Even on your worst days, you're the most beautiful thing in the world to me and the only reason that caring for you drains me sometimes is because fearing losing you is the most difficult thing I've ever had to face in my life and it feels like I'm fighting a physical battle any time you're really ill and can't come out of your seizure episodes quickly. I have to go into like an autopilot mode to care for you otherwise I'd be crippled with terror. Then when you start to come through it, the relief is incredible and there's no way I'm leaving your side until you're back to feeling yourself, and I don't care how much that wipes me out, I'll never stop doing it. And I'll never be sorry for it."

As he listened, Jace was softly brushing his hands up and down Jesse's arms and listened to whatever Jesse needed to say. He knew those standards his husband held himself up to and sometimes, it was at the expense of his own health. Case in point. He hated that Jesse was so upset and that this conversation had pushed him there but what they were talking about was probably really needed before it simmered over and they ended up having arguments. They hardly ever argued or fought. Jace couldn't even remember the times they had, they were so few. But he got that glimpse that Jesse was emotionally frayed and sensitive, he could get snappy without meaning it and neither of them ever wanted that. It was why Jace hated so much hearing that he hadn't been himself after his seizures. It made him feel like he had no control over himself but when he was sick like that, he didn't. "Everything you just said, baby, is what I need with you too. You get that, yeah? If you don't, I need you to try. You default as being my carer and that's okay. You are. But you have to let me reciprocate it. Your epilepsy can be just as serious as mine. Your seizures are terrifying. I'm always scared you might bang your head too hard one day and that's it." He slid his hand into Jesse's again and led him back inside, grabbing the bag with their leftover dinner to bring with them, stopping briefly to put it in the fridge. Once in their room, he closed the door behind them. "Let me give you the TLC you really need. I promise, that's not a euphemism for sex, either. I know you're too exhausted. I mean legit TLC."

"I do get it, darlin'. I'm sorry I got short with you and made you feel like I was minimising the importance of that. Nevertheless, I'll still try to make sure I don't forget it. It's not lost on me that you're going to be concerned me feeling like this puts me at risk of seizures. Can't say I'd be opposed to sex. It can be nice on the days you're not feeling 100% yourself. Just not sure I'd have the energy for anything too strenuous." Jesse let Jace guide him through the large apartment to their own wing, which was basically a self-contained apartment with everything save for a kitchen. They shared the place with Evan and Christian, a compromise knowing there would be times they might both need care and support with their illnesses simultaneously. It had always worked well because Evan and Christian - both doctors at the hospital - worked long and chaotic shifts, so a lot of the time, it wasn't that far off having a place of their own. They were there to offer help whenever it was needed but they lived their own lives together. It also turned out to be a handy arrangement when Evan returned from Doctors Without Borders sick as a dog from a malaria infection that led to him needing further medical investigations which left him with a diagnosis of Crohn's Disease. Even with all that, Jace wanted to help take care of his big brother, so there were a lot of benefits. "It's been awhile since I had a bad seizure, though, touch wood. This medication regime seems to have been the best I've been on. But stress is a trigger, I know. So is not sleeping or eating well. It's manageable but I promise I'll tell you if I feel worse and I'll hold myself to the promise to get a checkup with the doctor."

Jace brought Jesse's hand up to his lips and kissed his fingers. "Maybe later, baby. Bath first and then I think you really should get an early night. You need rest and I'm not going to help you if I keep making you feel like you need to keep apologising." He took Jesse's phone out of his pocket, placing it in his hand. "I'll start running the bath while you log on to the app and make an appointment with the doctor. I'll feel better if I know you've got the appointment. Yes, I'm being a nagging husband, but hopefully in the nicest way possible because I know that's now how we work in our marriage. Or I can make it for you if you want me to." He gave Jesse a kiss and then put the plug in the bath, starting the taps running. When he moved back to Jesse to start unbuttoning his shirt for him, he realised even he was feeling fatigued after the brief but intense - for them - chat over dinner. Not because of the subject matter but because stress took it out of him too and he worried now Jesse might be at risk of a seizure. The problem with Jesse's type of epilepsy was he didn't really get much warning. Barely seconds and even then, he might not always be able to raise a warning that it was happening. He probably wouldn't sleep the best that night, worrying Jesse might have a bad one in his sleep. That was part of why he was trying to help get him to switch off and relax a bit, hopefully it might reduce the risk. "Have you ever felt like this before? I mean, this level of it? I've seen you stressed and of course, I've seen you exhausted from work but I just want to understand as much as I can, so I know if it happens again down the track. You're really not yourself, though, so I think I'll know. I'm not asking for me, it's so I hopefully don't misread things again next time. I feel bad about that. I'm sorry, beautiful. You want the vanilla raspberry bubbles or the coconut and almond?"

"Something a lil' similar back in SC before I came to New York but it was when I was trying to get back to full-time work after time off after the conversion therapy hell. I actually stayed with the Larsons for a couple of months because I couldn't face my parents. Every time I tried, I'd feel physically sick and get panicky. I had this ongoing concern that my patients would guess I was gay and not want me caring for them. So, similar physical and emotional feelings but different root causes." Jesse navigated to the portal to make an appointment with their doctor, who was Reecy's dad, Walker. The was a couple of spaces for the day after tomorrow, so he selected the first one and booked the appointment, showing Jace the screen once the confirmation popped up. Then he put his phone down by the sink and tucked his hands under the hem of Jace's shirt, coaxing him to lift his arms so he could slip it off him. "I think the vanilla raspberry sounds nice, darlin'. Okay, um... you know those few days after you've had a couple of seizures? Not immediately after it but when your head's starting to clear again but you're feeling really wiped out and still a bit shaky and emotional, maybe even kinda moody because it takes a lot outta you? It's not unlike that. It's like it's hard to get back on top of yourself and everything's just a bit hazy. I really shouldn't have accidentally taken it out on you. I don't always recognise so easily when I need a time out and it's easy to forget I have an illness to, when I have a long run without seizures. Touch wood. Let's not jinx that. I love you so much, you know that?" he murmured, unbuckling Jace's belt.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I'm locked in your eyes, I love our quality time."

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