Damien Thomas Larson (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
musicsavesmysoul) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-09-06 04:34 am
musicsavesmysoul) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-09-06 04:34 am
"He ain't heavy, he's my brother."
Who: Damien Larson, Jesse Hartley, Liam Morgan and Merlin Blake
What: Wading through the rubble
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: After this and this
Damien was rubbing his forehead so roughly that he was chafing the skin and making it sting. His phone was gripped in his other hand, waiting for news. Any news. It didn’t matter now what it was, he just wanted to hear something. He and Jesse were alone in Merlin’s empty hospital room, waiting for him to be brought back from surgery. Jesse was pacing back and forth in front of the window, biting his thumbnail. Damien had to stop watching him because it was making him dizzy and his stomach hurt more than it already was. It felt like they had been waiting forever.
They traded off with Merlin and Damien's mom and dad over who should stay with Brandon in the ICU and who should wait here for when Merlin was brought back to the ward. Things were bad. They were as bad as they fucking could be. So bad that he and Jesse had been so stressed, they had a huge argument after Merlin was taken to surgery for the bone marrow harvest and to fix his broken wrist that he could barely speak to tell anyone what happened. And he and Jesse hadn’t had a fight like that since Damien fucked up and let Merlin down when his undiagnosed depression got in the way and made him ruin everything.
Even now, he was barely even sure what they were fighting about beyond clashing over Merlin’s intentions with that Instagram post. Jesse thought maybe it was planned and Merlin posted deliberately. Damien was so sure Merlin would have let them in on it if he was going to do something like that. As soon as they were raising their voices at each other in fear and frustration, Christian had come through and told them to leave Brandon’s room because now wasn’t the time for this bullshit. So, Damien’s mom and dad took over vigil at Brandon’s bedside until Merlin could get back there himself. Damien’s mom gave them both a fierce Mom Lecture about how much it didn’t matter what Merlin’s intentions with the post were, or whether it was an accident. It had happened. The hows, the whys… it could all wait until Merlin was out of surgery and could tell them himself. And she was right. They both knew it.
Then suddenly Merlin was being wheeled back to the room with Liam and Lachlan flanking the bed. The orderly was pushing the bed and a couple of nurses were there too. Merlin was still asleep. Damien jumped up out of the chair, ready to fire a pile of questions at Liam or Lachlan, whoever could give the best answers. But he had to wait. Lachlan soon stepped out to give handover to the nurses, which left Liam. Damien nearly burst into tears seeing him and went straight over to him to give him a kiss and pull him into a hug.
Jesse understood why Damien needed Liam’s comfort. Jesse wished Jace was here but not knowing how long the wait was, it was better he just come later when things were more certain. He wasn’t angry at Damien for their fight. Tempers flared, that was all. It happened in times like this. Jesse lost count of the amount of times he had gotten angry and upset when Jace’s health was on the line. All this was a situation no one knew how to cope with, and Jesse worked in healthcare. He felt like he should be doing better but this was his little brother and now he and Brandon were married, Brandon was his brother too. He went to Merlin’s bedside, taking his hand that wasn’t in a rainbow wrist cast. If all this wasn’t so terrifying, he would have laughed at that. “How did he go?” he eventually asked Liam, voice choked and croaky with emotion.
Liam had stayed with Merlin in Recovery, so he was still in his surgical cap and had his mask pulled down around his neck. He gave Damien another soft kiss and rubbed his back. “Both procedures went smoothly. Lachlan managed to get a good harvest. He’s going to go ahead with infusing Brandon tomorrow when Merlin’s feeling a little better to be with him. He’s going to be pretty sore and he had another rough trot with the anesthetic. Some people just don’t do well with it. He’s had a lot of vomiting in Recovery but he’s been given some medication to help that and once it started working, he dozed back off to sleep. It’s probably best for now. He’ll be in for a rough night with pain and probably feel sick until the anesthetic is out of his system. That’s before even considering the emotional stress.”
“What about his wrist? Have you got any news on Brandon? Did Lachlan say whether this was even worth doing?” Damien asked, stepping closer to give Merlin the once-over. He was pale and looked so puny in the bed. He was a short-ass at the best of times but he looked like a kid. Or maybe he just still felt like a kid to Damien any time he was hurting. “How will he be when he wakes up? Still sick? The bone marrow thing, how much pain will he have?”
“Did he say anything about Brandon when he was coming around?” Jesse asked, smoothly Merlin’s hair back. It was damp from sweat and the tube from the oxygen nasal prongs had slipped from over his ear. Jesse repositioned it and tucked it back behind his ear.
“He broke a bone in his wrist and three fingers. It wasn’t a difficult fix. We just need to play it by ear, love,.” Liam patted Damien’s back, trying to reassure him a little but it was likely a fruitless effort. There were too many unknowns right now. “He’ll still be feeling sick and in pain but medications can control that. It’s hard to know how he’ll be when he fully comes around because the stress he’s under will be incredible. Just take it as it comes. Better you guys interrogate me than him, for now. He only asked if Brandon was still alive and started crying. He’s not feeling well enough to deal with it so you both have to promise not to just go in all guns blazing about the Instagram post. There’s no change in Brandon’s condition. He’s critical but stable. Lachlan still wants to do the transplant. He thinks there’s a worthy enough chance that Brandon will pick up, hopefully start breathing on his own again.”
Jesse sighed, shaking his head. “As soon as he wakes up, he’s going to want to get to Brandon. He’s not going to care how he’s feeling. I don’t think he’s going to talk to any of us until he can be with Brandon.”
Damien nodded, knowing Jesse was spot on. He felt sick to the stomach himself. ‘Critical but stable’ wasn’t good, especially if Brandon still wasn’t breathing on his own. “My heart fucking breaks when you tell me he’s just been crying. I feel so bad I wasn’t here for him when he went into surgery. By the time I saw the post on Instagram and rushed here, the shit had hit the proverbial fan. The internet’s blowing up. So many people think it’s a hoax or a hacking. I’m so fucking scared they’re gonna target Merlin. Do they know Brandon’s a patient here? The media and shit, I mean.”
Liam shook his head. “No. Brandon’s actually admitted under his previous name, so no one will notice him on patient lists. No one but family can access him in the ICU either but that’s more so in this situation. His team have beefed up security. But it won’t take long for people to connect the dots, considering Brandon lives in New York and Tara and Lachlan are well known as the leukemia Dream Team. They’re just buying time but no one on either side of the fence can make any moves until Merlin clarifies anything. Brandon has put all his affairs in Merlin’s hands. It could just as well have been an accident. Only he can tell us,” he reminded them, giving Merlin’s shoulder a little pat. “As soon as he’s up to it, they’ll take him to Brandon. He’s in a room with two beds, so he can stay with him during the entire infusion and whatever comes in the wake of it. Lachlan thinks it’ll be best for Merlin’s emotional and mental health for him to just be able to stay with Brandon. The hard part for everyone else is going to be that they’re completely restricting any other visitors. If Brandon catches even the slightest infection, he’ll be gone.”
Closing his eyes, Jesse put his hand to his mouth with a deep sigh. He expected this. As a Critical Care nurse, he knew these risks. He barrier-nursed patients in isolation all the time. But this was a time Merlin would need his family close and they were all going to have to contend to merely seeing Brandon through a glass wall. “I’m so worried about him. He thought he would be okay to handle Brandon’s decisions if he couldn’t make them himself but the reality is, that’s one of the hardest fucking things in the world to have on your shoulders. Every choice feels wrong. You feel checkmated no matter what you do. Brandon wouldn’t want this any other way, he wouldn’t want some other proxy making Merlin feel powerless but the reality is an horrific burden.”
“No visitors? Fuck. Does Merlin have to stay in there with him the whole time? Do you think he did the Instagram thing on purpose?” Damien knew they had to wait for answers but he was struggling and panicking about Merlin’s wellbeing. It was a relief to see him back from surgery but he didn’t look good. All this was taking its toll. But he knew there was no way Merlin couldn’t give the green light for the transplant. He couldn’t just switch Braden off and let the cancer take him without this last chance to fight it.
Liam knew of Damien’s tendency to ask a lot of questions when he was trying to understand something. He preferred this Damien to the one who had gone so long with an unmedicated mental illness. Sure, it was mild, but enough to have ruined their relationship twice when he wouldn’t communicate. Damien would prefer a hundred questions to a hundred minutes of silence and withdrawal. “No visitors until they can see his cell count’s coming up. Merlin won’t have to stay in there the whole time but if he comes out, he’ll have to wear barrier gear so he doesn’t get sick and pass anything on to Brandon. It’s going to feel like an eternity for him but he’s very aware of what needs to happen. He didn’t mention the post, so it’s hard to say. I think there’s a chance it was purposeful but there’s just as much chance it was an accident because he was really distressed and forgot to switch out of his public account. What I do know is that Brandon once said to me that if there came a time he was told he was terminal, he would come out, no matter what contracts were in place. He didn’t want to die not being his true self.”
“What do you think his chances are?” Damien asked Liam because his fiancé was one person he trusted unconditionally. Liam’s medical opinion, no matter how minor, mattered. It mattered a hell of a lot right now when there was little other hope. “Do you think… um, I mean, is there a chance they’ve told Merlin that Brandon’s terminal? He wouldn’t be doing this if that happened, right?”
Liam understood and he offered Damien a gentle squeeze around his middle. “I’m not an Oncologist, love, so don’t hang anything on my opinion because in a situation like this, there’s so much that could change. I think if Brandon survives the week, he’ll have a fighting chance. If he deteriorates once Merlin’s bone marrow is infused into him, he’s not going to survive it. That will be the sign his body’s packing it in. They wouldn’t be doing this if he was terminal. It would be unnecessary toture to put him through. What they’ll be looking for in the very least are for his path levels to stay the same. If they continue to drop, the graft won’t take. So, it’s waiting and it’s going to be horrible. You won’t be able to get into Merlin to comfort him and from how I’ve seen him take care of Brandon, he might not want to come out to risk infection. You might just have to rely on Skype or FaceTime with him. He’ll have wifi in there, so it’s not complete isolation. It’ll just be hard for him if Brandon’s unconscious.”
When Merlin made a soft sound, Jesse rested a hand on his shoulder. “I think he’s waking up, guys. Let’s just give him the reins and let him deal with this however he needs to. He might not wanna talk at all. He’s dealing with a lot of trauma. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether the Instagram post was an accident or not. It’s done. He needs to figure out how best to cope with everything,” he murmured.
Damien nodded but didn’t say anything further. He just watched Merlin closely to see if he was waking up and if he would be okay when he did. He was nervous about laying this Instagram thing on him but he literally flipped his and Brandon’s entire world on its head and effectively cockblocked anyone from doing anything about it. He was so worried for him. He was gland Liam was there, keeping him grounded. He didn’t want to fuck up and shit Merlin off, and he didn’t want to fight with Jesse about it when everyone beyond Merlin were only peripheral to the situation.
As soon as Merlin woke up and regained consciousness to his surroundings, he was hit with a horrible wave of feelings, both physical and emotional. He felt sick, groggy, and in pain from the anesthetic and procedure, but it was remembering Brandon was fighting for his life on life support that sobered him up real quick. Someone was holding his hand and one he could get his eyes open enough - and keep them open - he saw it was Jesse, with Damien standing beside him.
Merlin didn’t break down sobbing but tears spilled over because he was dragged back to harsh reality and he knew there would be a lot more tears yet. He didn’t want to move too much because he couldn’t identify what exactly he was feeling. He looked between his big brothers through heavy stinging eyes. “Fuck...” he mumbled, the words little more than a scratchy whisper. He closed his eyes again, putting a hand up to cover them. “Bran, is he… still alive?”
“I’ll fill him in on the medical while I take his obs, then I’ll leave you guys alone for some brother TLC,” Liam murmured, bringing the obs trolley over and capping the thermometer to take Merlin’s temperature. “Hey, buddy. Brandon’s alive and stable. No further bleeds and Lachlan’s just running another couple of units of blood. He’s hanging in there the best he can. Everything went well with your procedure, okay? Lachlan managed to get a good harvest and he’ll come talk to you more about it all when you’re feeling better. But you’ve had a rough time with the anesthetic again so you need to try to rest a little and get some strength back. Have you got any nausea or pain?”
Merlin was so used to all this medical shit by now. He had been observing Brandon as a patient since they started dating. He had some medical glitches himself. He knew he had to go through the motions but it was a relief Liam was there when he woke up. He knew Liam was scrubbing into his procedures at the last minute when he was guilty of losing his shit a bit going into it. Liam was his brother-in-law in all ways but the bit of paper marriage certificate. Merlin needed his family more than every right now. “Yeah, both. I feel like I’m gonna puke.”
“It’s okay if you need to throw up. I’m just going to give you a top-up of your meds to try to ease that a little more for you.” Liam already had the injection ready, pre-empting needing it after seeing how sick Merlin got coming out of the anesthetic. Jesse held a disposable bowl nearby in case he needed it. Liam drew the injection up and administered it via Merlin’s IV line already in-situ giving him some fluids. “Where’s the pain, love? What is it on a scale of one to ten? I know you probably know how pain scales off by heart by now. As soon as you feel a bit more awake, we’ll take you to see Brandon straight away. Your mom and dad and with him.”
“Um…” Merlin squeezed his eyes shut again, trying to figure out where the pain was coming from the most through feeling sick to his stomach. How did Brandon deal with feeling like this all the damn time lately? No wonder he was exhausted and losing his fight. “My back and hips, I think? My arm. My head. Just… everything. Maybe, like, a six or seven. But an eight or nine with my hand.”
Liam fed a little device into Merlin’s good hand attached to a separate IV machine. “Lucky for you, you get free use of the machine button until tomorrow. If you feel the pain coming back or getting worse, just hit this button and it’ll give you top-up. Don’t worry, it’s controlled but we don’t want our post-op patients in pain if they don’t have to be. You did a job on your hand. We want you to try to get a bit of rest. This will help the pain in your hips too, which will radiate through your lower back and down your legs for the first couple of days but then it’ll ease. It’s just because you’ve had large needles stuck where they don’t usually belong. Lachlan wants you nil-by-mouth until tomorrow so your tummy can settle down. You don’t have to worry about people trying to coax you to eat or drink anything. I can’t let you in to see Brandon until you’ve been afebrile for twelve hours and there’s no other sign of post-op infections. I know you don’t want to hear that but it’s to keep him safe.”
Merlin nodded, murmuring, “I know. I ain’t gonna freak out again. I gotta try and be patient and wait it out. Did Lachlan say when they’re gonna do the transplant? Was what he got outta me okay to go? There was enough? It was, like, what they needed? I dunno how to do this without crying, sorry.” He was tearing up, even trying to keep his shit together. It was one thing knowing he was going to have to wait to see Brandon and trying to hold up through it, but actually trying to pull that off apparently wasn’t going to be as smooth as he hoped. He just didn’t want to let Brandon down when he promised him he could handle all this.
Damien heard Merlin getting teary before he saw the tears appear. They already had a box of tissues waiting. No matter how strong his baby brother was and how much he knew how all this would play out, no one said he had to do it without tears or that the had to hold it together the whole time. He didn’t. Who could? Jesse was doing his bit with the sick bowl, combing Merlin’s hair back from his face with his fingers, so Damien took up Kleenex duty. “You cry all you damn well want and need, buddy,” he told him, grabbing some tissues from the box to catch Merlin’s tears when they fell.
“It was about fifty ounces of bone marrow they took from you. All tests confirm you’ve donated healthy cells and it’s all ready to go. Lachlan wants to run the infusion into Brandon tomorrow, so you can be there with him while it’s happening. Once we know you’re okay after your procedures, we can move you into the isolation ward with him where you’ll share a room with him for the duration. They’ll have staff in the ward monitoring him around the clock. Lachlan wants to restrict all visitors until Brandon is either off the life support ventilator or until his pathology shows a significant increase in his blood cell counts. It’s going to be really difficult for you, Merlin. But Lachlan and Tara will talk to you more about all this before the transplant commences, okay?” Liam rubbed Merlin’s shoulder softly. “I’m not going to bombard you anymore. Just let Jesse or Damien know if you’re not feeling much better in fifteen to twenty minutes, or if you start to feel worse than now. The best thing you can do for Brandon right now is rest and regain a little strength. You’re going to need it.”
While Liam gave Damien a kiss and shared a hug with Jesse, Merlin tried to gather his composure a bit. Once he was left alone with his big brothers, the room felt sterile and empty without Brandon and the silence that hung over them was overwhelming. He could tell just by looking at them they were stressed. He just didn’t know if he felt like talking.
“You accidentally outed Brandon on Instagram!” Damien was throwing out there before he could stop himself. In his head, he had been trying to ease into that way more subtly than he pulled it off but he didn’t want Merlin to be blindsided. He deserved to know there was a shitstorm brewing out there beyond these four walls so he could prepare, even if he didn’t want to deal with it for days, weeks, even.
Jesse didn’t say anything. He just sighed, dropping his head and pinching the bridge of his nose. He had been Damien’s best friend since they were kids, he knew he could be as subtle as a smack in the face sometimes. Damien didn’t always have the best filter when he was emotional. He still didn’t think Merlin would be up to dealing with this right now but when push came to shove, he understood why Damien wanted to tell Merlin. He was just being a protective big brother in his own very Damien way. All this was so hard without Brandon there to call the shots on his own life.
“No, I didn’t,” Merlin mumbled, eyes averting to the cast on his wrist.
Damien took his phone out of his pocket. “You did, look. You accidentally--”
“I didn’t accidentally out him,” Merlin repeated, pushing Damien’s phone away as he met Damien’s gaze evenly. “I know what I posted.”
Damien glanced at his blank phone screen and then up to Jesse. This is what Jesse suspected. Merlin had planned this, he knew what he was doing. “Merl, you posted it on your public account. You know that, right? The shit’s hit the fan. Why didn’t you tell us what you were doing?”
“My husband’s dying. Do you think I care about any of that? What makes y’all think anything other than trying to save him matters to me right now? That anyone else not Brandon matters to me right now, when I might have to decide if he lives or dies? Maybe, just maybe, he and I did a hell of a lotta talking about what would matter to us if he died? And I’m gonna tell you something. If y’all were in my shoes right now, you absolutely would’ve fucking done the same thing I did. If anyone of y’all wanna preach at me about it, you can fucking wait until after his funeral. Because I just don’t give a fuck. He didn’t wanna die on anyone else’s terms and I promised him he wouldn’t have to. To the rest of the world, it was an accident. I ain’t ever gonna say otherwise. Let the shit hit their fans. I don’t see anyone else in all this fighting for their lives, do you?” Merlin usually wasn’t this direct or abrasive but he was worn thin from grief and fear. He didn’t want to have to keep grinding over and over this. He would tell his brother’s the truth. He would probably tell Wes. Everything else, he would have to play by ear.
Jesse had teared up as soon as he heard a tone in Merlin’s voice he had never heard before. He knew this would be new for Damien too and hard to process. Merlin was usually an easygoing happy and content kid. This was someone fighting like hell for the person he loved with no energy left to deal with it. Merlin had every right to let them known none of this was up for debate. Jesse knew, just like Merlin said, he would absolutely do the same if Jace was in Brandon’s shoes. He sniffled, taking a tissue for himself. “I had a message from Justin, buddy. He wants to run decoy for you.”
Merlin frowned, not followed. “Decoy…? For what?”
“He connected the dots, buddy. I mean, he lives this stuff, right? The fame and exposure. He didn’t outright come out and assume you posted on purpose but he said he’s willing to go public with his suicide attempt and the dialysis as a way to firm up the position that your post was accidental and avert the shit hitting the fan a little and distracts the media from the fact Brandon’s here getting treatment also. So no one is trying to hound either of you here. He used the phrase, getting everyone to look in another direction away from where Brandon is. He said it’s so you can have a few days to catch your breath and figure out what you want to do with everything. He said there just needs to be a planted statement saying he’s in hospital but he hasn’t spoken to you but he hopes you’re holding up. People will just assume then you aren’t here at the same hospital as he is. At first, I didn’t know what it would achieve until he explained it like that. He said the ball’s in your court,” Jesse explained, knowing that Justin’s offer was still on the table if Merlin wanted it.
Merlin wet his lips, needing to run it through his mind a couple of times to get it to sink in. It was hard being just out of surgery after everything that happened before it. His mind was hazy and felt like it had no more room to cope with anything. “I… didn’t really think anything about the logistics. It was only ever the plan to take the leap if Bran took a turn for the worst and couldn’t make his own decisions. He didn’t want me to go through his death with no one knowing we were married. It wasn’t even anything about being in the closet for him, he just wants to die true to himself. Fuck, I can’t ask Jus to do that. He deserves privacy with his suicide attempts. I don’t need him feeling he has to expose it all for my sake. I just figured security could deal with keeping stalkers away or something. I dunno…”
“Justin doesn’t offer stuff like that without being sure about it,” Damien reminded Merlin and pulled a chair up to his bedside so he could sit with him. “He’s gonna know what it’s like to desperately need breathing space when you’re sick.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Merlin let go of the magic button Liam gave him to put his hand over his face. “Do y’all know how he’s doing? I just don’t want him to have to sacrifice his breathing space to give us some. His mental health depends on it.”
Jesse pulled up another seat to sit next to Damien. “I don’t think he would have offered if he hadn’t considered it deeply. I saw Sam in the cafeteria. Justin’s still in recovery and the dialysis is a hard slog but he’s holding up. He wants to go home. There might be a bit of subconscious self-harming declining medications but those little psychological aftershocks are inevitable when he’s recovering from an episode. Do you think it could be something that helps, even just for a few days? We all just wanna help, buddy. We know there’s not a lot we can do, though.”
“I get it. I feel the same way. Maybe it would help to at least not let anyone know he’s here at this hospital. Not yet anyway. I don’t feel like I can fucking cope with anything beyond just being there for Brandon and waiting. All I’ve got is waiting. I-I guess I do just need a few days. Even if I don’t think I’m gonna be any closer to figuring all this out then. But I ain’t ever gonna forgive myself if it really ain’t something Justin’s up to doing, just ‘cause he’s got this huge fucking heart. I think Bran would appreciate it, though. I really do.” Merlin realised then that he was trying to think for two brains, his and Brandon’s. He was trying to make all these calls on a life that wasn’t his but it was a life he promised to share. “I feel like I’m getting a migraine.”
“It’s stress and fear.” Jesse got up again and went through to the attached private bathroom to wet a face cloth. He wrung it out and brought it back to drape over Merlin’s forehead, holding it there for him. “Don’t make any decision now, okay? When I saw Sam, he said Justin was sleeping so you probably can’t get him on FaceTime or anything. Try to rest for a few hours and see how you feel then. You’ve been through a lot of stress today. You don’t have to make any decisions yet. If you don’t rest, you’ll make yourself sick and then you won’t be able to stay in with Brandon. So just focus on Brandon and let yourself recover from surgery.”
Damien was holding Merlin’s hand, rubbing the backs of his knuckles to try to comfort him. “I think you’re doing so well, buddy. I really do. I dunno how you’re doing it, but I’m proud of you. Seeing you in love has been so epic and I’m so fucking sorry you gotta be in pain like this. I know praying ain’t gonna do no good but we’re all thinking of you both. We’re all here for you. We ain’t gonna breathe down your neck or keep trying to stick our noses in on business that’s only yours and Brandon’s but we’re all here for you if you need anything. I think that’s why Justin’s offered. It’s a way to help. You’d do the same for him, I know you would.”
Merlin nodded and his eyes slipped closed when he felt like crying again. He would do it for Justin, or any of his friends, if it was them. He wished it could be any other way. “It just all really hurts,” he whispered, breath hitching when he couldn’t fight back the tears. “Fuck, I just wanna see him. I just wanna be there for him and hold his hand. I can’t even do that.”
“Not yet but you’re giving him bone marrow. You not being able to sit with him just yet is a lil’ sacrifice for that. He knows you ain’t ever gonna be far from him right through this. You promised him that and he knows you meant it,” Jesse reminded him, wiping Merlin’s tears away with his thumb. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep? It’ll make the wait go a bit quicker and I know it seems like empty platitudes but it really will help to a lil’ rest. Surgery’s rough on its own without all the added stress. Damo and I can wait or we can go and give you some alone time while you rest. We’re just a text away and your phone’s right here if you need anything.”
“I think maybe I just wanna be alone and try to sleep a bit,” Merlin admitted, sniffling.
“Good call,” Damien agreed, standing. He leaned over and kissed Merlin’s head. “You want us to go sit with Brandon? We can take turns. He ain’t gonna be alone one minute while you can’t be there. Love you, buddy. You might be grown up and married now but you’re always gonna be my baby brother. We’re still gonna protect you too.”
This just made Merlin dissolve into heavier tears. He managed to get out a sobbed agreement for them to go sit with Brandon and told his brothers he loved them too. Other than that, he needed to stop trying to fight the tears, have some time alone to be sad and sleep so he had the strength for whatever this horrible situation threw at him next.
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Wading through the rubble
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: After this and this
Damien was rubbing his forehead so roughly that he was chafing the skin and making it sting. His phone was gripped in his other hand, waiting for news. Any news. It didn’t matter now what it was, he just wanted to hear something. He and Jesse were alone in Merlin’s empty hospital room, waiting for him to be brought back from surgery. Jesse was pacing back and forth in front of the window, biting his thumbnail. Damien had to stop watching him because it was making him dizzy and his stomach hurt more than it already was. It felt like they had been waiting forever.
They traded off with Merlin and Damien's mom and dad over who should stay with Brandon in the ICU and who should wait here for when Merlin was brought back to the ward. Things were bad. They were as bad as they fucking could be. So bad that he and Jesse had been so stressed, they had a huge argument after Merlin was taken to surgery for the bone marrow harvest and to fix his broken wrist that he could barely speak to tell anyone what happened. And he and Jesse hadn’t had a fight like that since Damien fucked up and let Merlin down when his undiagnosed depression got in the way and made him ruin everything.
Even now, he was barely even sure what they were fighting about beyond clashing over Merlin’s intentions with that Instagram post. Jesse thought maybe it was planned and Merlin posted deliberately. Damien was so sure Merlin would have let them in on it if he was going to do something like that. As soon as they were raising their voices at each other in fear and frustration, Christian had come through and told them to leave Brandon’s room because now wasn’t the time for this bullshit. So, Damien’s mom and dad took over vigil at Brandon’s bedside until Merlin could get back there himself. Damien’s mom gave them both a fierce Mom Lecture about how much it didn’t matter what Merlin’s intentions with the post were, or whether it was an accident. It had happened. The hows, the whys… it could all wait until Merlin was out of surgery and could tell them himself. And she was right. They both knew it.
Then suddenly Merlin was being wheeled back to the room with Liam and Lachlan flanking the bed. The orderly was pushing the bed and a couple of nurses were there too. Merlin was still asleep. Damien jumped up out of the chair, ready to fire a pile of questions at Liam or Lachlan, whoever could give the best answers. But he had to wait. Lachlan soon stepped out to give handover to the nurses, which left Liam. Damien nearly burst into tears seeing him and went straight over to him to give him a kiss and pull him into a hug.
Jesse understood why Damien needed Liam’s comfort. Jesse wished Jace was here but not knowing how long the wait was, it was better he just come later when things were more certain. He wasn’t angry at Damien for their fight. Tempers flared, that was all. It happened in times like this. Jesse lost count of the amount of times he had gotten angry and upset when Jace’s health was on the line. All this was a situation no one knew how to cope with, and Jesse worked in healthcare. He felt like he should be doing better but this was his little brother and now he and Brandon were married, Brandon was his brother too. He went to Merlin’s bedside, taking his hand that wasn’t in a rainbow wrist cast. If all this wasn’t so terrifying, he would have laughed at that. “How did he go?” he eventually asked Liam, voice choked and croaky with emotion.
Liam had stayed with Merlin in Recovery, so he was still in his surgical cap and had his mask pulled down around his neck. He gave Damien another soft kiss and rubbed his back. “Both procedures went smoothly. Lachlan managed to get a good harvest. He’s going to go ahead with infusing Brandon tomorrow when Merlin’s feeling a little better to be with him. He’s going to be pretty sore and he had another rough trot with the anesthetic. Some people just don’t do well with it. He’s had a lot of vomiting in Recovery but he’s been given some medication to help that and once it started working, he dozed back off to sleep. It’s probably best for now. He’ll be in for a rough night with pain and probably feel sick until the anesthetic is out of his system. That’s before even considering the emotional stress.”
“What about his wrist? Have you got any news on Brandon? Did Lachlan say whether this was even worth doing?” Damien asked, stepping closer to give Merlin the once-over. He was pale and looked so puny in the bed. He was a short-ass at the best of times but he looked like a kid. Or maybe he just still felt like a kid to Damien any time he was hurting. “How will he be when he wakes up? Still sick? The bone marrow thing, how much pain will he have?”
“Did he say anything about Brandon when he was coming around?” Jesse asked, smoothly Merlin’s hair back. It was damp from sweat and the tube from the oxygen nasal prongs had slipped from over his ear. Jesse repositioned it and tucked it back behind his ear.
“He broke a bone in his wrist and three fingers. It wasn’t a difficult fix. We just need to play it by ear, love,.” Liam patted Damien’s back, trying to reassure him a little but it was likely a fruitless effort. There were too many unknowns right now. “He’ll still be feeling sick and in pain but medications can control that. It’s hard to know how he’ll be when he fully comes around because the stress he’s under will be incredible. Just take it as it comes. Better you guys interrogate me than him, for now. He only asked if Brandon was still alive and started crying. He’s not feeling well enough to deal with it so you both have to promise not to just go in all guns blazing about the Instagram post. There’s no change in Brandon’s condition. He’s critical but stable. Lachlan still wants to do the transplant. He thinks there’s a worthy enough chance that Brandon will pick up, hopefully start breathing on his own again.”
Jesse sighed, shaking his head. “As soon as he wakes up, he’s going to want to get to Brandon. He’s not going to care how he’s feeling. I don’t think he’s going to talk to any of us until he can be with Brandon.”
Damien nodded, knowing Jesse was spot on. He felt sick to the stomach himself. ‘Critical but stable’ wasn’t good, especially if Brandon still wasn’t breathing on his own. “My heart fucking breaks when you tell me he’s just been crying. I feel so bad I wasn’t here for him when he went into surgery. By the time I saw the post on Instagram and rushed here, the shit had hit the proverbial fan. The internet’s blowing up. So many people think it’s a hoax or a hacking. I’m so fucking scared they’re gonna target Merlin. Do they know Brandon’s a patient here? The media and shit, I mean.”
Liam shook his head. “No. Brandon’s actually admitted under his previous name, so no one will notice him on patient lists. No one but family can access him in the ICU either but that’s more so in this situation. His team have beefed up security. But it won’t take long for people to connect the dots, considering Brandon lives in New York and Tara and Lachlan are well known as the leukemia Dream Team. They’re just buying time but no one on either side of the fence can make any moves until Merlin clarifies anything. Brandon has put all his affairs in Merlin’s hands. It could just as well have been an accident. Only he can tell us,” he reminded them, giving Merlin’s shoulder a little pat. “As soon as he’s up to it, they’ll take him to Brandon. He’s in a room with two beds, so he can stay with him during the entire infusion and whatever comes in the wake of it. Lachlan thinks it’ll be best for Merlin’s emotional and mental health for him to just be able to stay with Brandon. The hard part for everyone else is going to be that they’re completely restricting any other visitors. If Brandon catches even the slightest infection, he’ll be gone.”
Closing his eyes, Jesse put his hand to his mouth with a deep sigh. He expected this. As a Critical Care nurse, he knew these risks. He barrier-nursed patients in isolation all the time. But this was a time Merlin would need his family close and they were all going to have to contend to merely seeing Brandon through a glass wall. “I’m so worried about him. He thought he would be okay to handle Brandon’s decisions if he couldn’t make them himself but the reality is, that’s one of the hardest fucking things in the world to have on your shoulders. Every choice feels wrong. You feel checkmated no matter what you do. Brandon wouldn’t want this any other way, he wouldn’t want some other proxy making Merlin feel powerless but the reality is an horrific burden.”
“No visitors? Fuck. Does Merlin have to stay in there with him the whole time? Do you think he did the Instagram thing on purpose?” Damien knew they had to wait for answers but he was struggling and panicking about Merlin’s wellbeing. It was a relief to see him back from surgery but he didn’t look good. All this was taking its toll. But he knew there was no way Merlin couldn’t give the green light for the transplant. He couldn’t just switch Braden off and let the cancer take him without this last chance to fight it.
Liam knew of Damien’s tendency to ask a lot of questions when he was trying to understand something. He preferred this Damien to the one who had gone so long with an unmedicated mental illness. Sure, it was mild, but enough to have ruined their relationship twice when he wouldn’t communicate. Damien would prefer a hundred questions to a hundred minutes of silence and withdrawal. “No visitors until they can see his cell count’s coming up. Merlin won’t have to stay in there the whole time but if he comes out, he’ll have to wear barrier gear so he doesn’t get sick and pass anything on to Brandon. It’s going to feel like an eternity for him but he’s very aware of what needs to happen. He didn’t mention the post, so it’s hard to say. I think there’s a chance it was purposeful but there’s just as much chance it was an accident because he was really distressed and forgot to switch out of his public account. What I do know is that Brandon once said to me that if there came a time he was told he was terminal, he would come out, no matter what contracts were in place. He didn’t want to die not being his true self.”
“What do you think his chances are?” Damien asked Liam because his fiancé was one person he trusted unconditionally. Liam’s medical opinion, no matter how minor, mattered. It mattered a hell of a lot right now when there was little other hope. “Do you think… um, I mean, is there a chance they’ve told Merlin that Brandon’s terminal? He wouldn’t be doing this if that happened, right?”
Liam understood and he offered Damien a gentle squeeze around his middle. “I’m not an Oncologist, love, so don’t hang anything on my opinion because in a situation like this, there’s so much that could change. I think if Brandon survives the week, he’ll have a fighting chance. If he deteriorates once Merlin’s bone marrow is infused into him, he’s not going to survive it. That will be the sign his body’s packing it in. They wouldn’t be doing this if he was terminal. It would be unnecessary toture to put him through. What they’ll be looking for in the very least are for his path levels to stay the same. If they continue to drop, the graft won’t take. So, it’s waiting and it’s going to be horrible. You won’t be able to get into Merlin to comfort him and from how I’ve seen him take care of Brandon, he might not want to come out to risk infection. You might just have to rely on Skype or FaceTime with him. He’ll have wifi in there, so it’s not complete isolation. It’ll just be hard for him if Brandon’s unconscious.”
When Merlin made a soft sound, Jesse rested a hand on his shoulder. “I think he’s waking up, guys. Let’s just give him the reins and let him deal with this however he needs to. He might not wanna talk at all. He’s dealing with a lot of trauma. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether the Instagram post was an accident or not. It’s done. He needs to figure out how best to cope with everything,” he murmured.
Damien nodded but didn’t say anything further. He just watched Merlin closely to see if he was waking up and if he would be okay when he did. He was nervous about laying this Instagram thing on him but he literally flipped his and Brandon’s entire world on its head and effectively cockblocked anyone from doing anything about it. He was so worried for him. He was gland Liam was there, keeping him grounded. He didn’t want to fuck up and shit Merlin off, and he didn’t want to fight with Jesse about it when everyone beyond Merlin were only peripheral to the situation.
As soon as Merlin woke up and regained consciousness to his surroundings, he was hit with a horrible wave of feelings, both physical and emotional. He felt sick, groggy, and in pain from the anesthetic and procedure, but it was remembering Brandon was fighting for his life on life support that sobered him up real quick. Someone was holding his hand and one he could get his eyes open enough - and keep them open - he saw it was Jesse, with Damien standing beside him.
Merlin didn’t break down sobbing but tears spilled over because he was dragged back to harsh reality and he knew there would be a lot more tears yet. He didn’t want to move too much because he couldn’t identify what exactly he was feeling. He looked between his big brothers through heavy stinging eyes. “Fuck...” he mumbled, the words little more than a scratchy whisper. He closed his eyes again, putting a hand up to cover them. “Bran, is he… still alive?”
“I’ll fill him in on the medical while I take his obs, then I’ll leave you guys alone for some brother TLC,” Liam murmured, bringing the obs trolley over and capping the thermometer to take Merlin’s temperature. “Hey, buddy. Brandon’s alive and stable. No further bleeds and Lachlan’s just running another couple of units of blood. He’s hanging in there the best he can. Everything went well with your procedure, okay? Lachlan managed to get a good harvest and he’ll come talk to you more about it all when you’re feeling better. But you’ve had a rough time with the anesthetic again so you need to try to rest a little and get some strength back. Have you got any nausea or pain?”
Merlin was so used to all this medical shit by now. He had been observing Brandon as a patient since they started dating. He had some medical glitches himself. He knew he had to go through the motions but it was a relief Liam was there when he woke up. He knew Liam was scrubbing into his procedures at the last minute when he was guilty of losing his shit a bit going into it. Liam was his brother-in-law in all ways but the bit of paper marriage certificate. Merlin needed his family more than every right now. “Yeah, both. I feel like I’m gonna puke.”
“It’s okay if you need to throw up. I’m just going to give you a top-up of your meds to try to ease that a little more for you.” Liam already had the injection ready, pre-empting needing it after seeing how sick Merlin got coming out of the anesthetic. Jesse held a disposable bowl nearby in case he needed it. Liam drew the injection up and administered it via Merlin’s IV line already in-situ giving him some fluids. “Where’s the pain, love? What is it on a scale of one to ten? I know you probably know how pain scales off by heart by now. As soon as you feel a bit more awake, we’ll take you to see Brandon straight away. Your mom and dad and with him.”
“Um…” Merlin squeezed his eyes shut again, trying to figure out where the pain was coming from the most through feeling sick to his stomach. How did Brandon deal with feeling like this all the damn time lately? No wonder he was exhausted and losing his fight. “My back and hips, I think? My arm. My head. Just… everything. Maybe, like, a six or seven. But an eight or nine with my hand.”
Liam fed a little device into Merlin’s good hand attached to a separate IV machine. “Lucky for you, you get free use of the machine button until tomorrow. If you feel the pain coming back or getting worse, just hit this button and it’ll give you top-up. Don’t worry, it’s controlled but we don’t want our post-op patients in pain if they don’t have to be. You did a job on your hand. We want you to try to get a bit of rest. This will help the pain in your hips too, which will radiate through your lower back and down your legs for the first couple of days but then it’ll ease. It’s just because you’ve had large needles stuck where they don’t usually belong. Lachlan wants you nil-by-mouth until tomorrow so your tummy can settle down. You don’t have to worry about people trying to coax you to eat or drink anything. I can’t let you in to see Brandon until you’ve been afebrile for twelve hours and there’s no other sign of post-op infections. I know you don’t want to hear that but it’s to keep him safe.”
Merlin nodded, murmuring, “I know. I ain’t gonna freak out again. I gotta try and be patient and wait it out. Did Lachlan say when they’re gonna do the transplant? Was what he got outta me okay to go? There was enough? It was, like, what they needed? I dunno how to do this without crying, sorry.” He was tearing up, even trying to keep his shit together. It was one thing knowing he was going to have to wait to see Brandon and trying to hold up through it, but actually trying to pull that off apparently wasn’t going to be as smooth as he hoped. He just didn’t want to let Brandon down when he promised him he could handle all this.
Damien heard Merlin getting teary before he saw the tears appear. They already had a box of tissues waiting. No matter how strong his baby brother was and how much he knew how all this would play out, no one said he had to do it without tears or that the had to hold it together the whole time. He didn’t. Who could? Jesse was doing his bit with the sick bowl, combing Merlin’s hair back from his face with his fingers, so Damien took up Kleenex duty. “You cry all you damn well want and need, buddy,” he told him, grabbing some tissues from the box to catch Merlin’s tears when they fell.
“It was about fifty ounces of bone marrow they took from you. All tests confirm you’ve donated healthy cells and it’s all ready to go. Lachlan wants to run the infusion into Brandon tomorrow, so you can be there with him while it’s happening. Once we know you’re okay after your procedures, we can move you into the isolation ward with him where you’ll share a room with him for the duration. They’ll have staff in the ward monitoring him around the clock. Lachlan wants to restrict all visitors until Brandon is either off the life support ventilator or until his pathology shows a significant increase in his blood cell counts. It’s going to be really difficult for you, Merlin. But Lachlan and Tara will talk to you more about all this before the transplant commences, okay?” Liam rubbed Merlin’s shoulder softly. “I’m not going to bombard you anymore. Just let Jesse or Damien know if you’re not feeling much better in fifteen to twenty minutes, or if you start to feel worse than now. The best thing you can do for Brandon right now is rest and regain a little strength. You’re going to need it.”
While Liam gave Damien a kiss and shared a hug with Jesse, Merlin tried to gather his composure a bit. Once he was left alone with his big brothers, the room felt sterile and empty without Brandon and the silence that hung over them was overwhelming. He could tell just by looking at them they were stressed. He just didn’t know if he felt like talking.
“You accidentally outed Brandon on Instagram!” Damien was throwing out there before he could stop himself. In his head, he had been trying to ease into that way more subtly than he pulled it off but he didn’t want Merlin to be blindsided. He deserved to know there was a shitstorm brewing out there beyond these four walls so he could prepare, even if he didn’t want to deal with it for days, weeks, even.
Jesse didn’t say anything. He just sighed, dropping his head and pinching the bridge of his nose. He had been Damien’s best friend since they were kids, he knew he could be as subtle as a smack in the face sometimes. Damien didn’t always have the best filter when he was emotional. He still didn’t think Merlin would be up to dealing with this right now but when push came to shove, he understood why Damien wanted to tell Merlin. He was just being a protective big brother in his own very Damien way. All this was so hard without Brandon there to call the shots on his own life.
“No, I didn’t,” Merlin mumbled, eyes averting to the cast on his wrist.
Damien took his phone out of his pocket. “You did, look. You accidentally--”
“I didn’t accidentally out him,” Merlin repeated, pushing Damien’s phone away as he met Damien’s gaze evenly. “I know what I posted.”
Damien glanced at his blank phone screen and then up to Jesse. This is what Jesse suspected. Merlin had planned this, he knew what he was doing. “Merl, you posted it on your public account. You know that, right? The shit’s hit the fan. Why didn’t you tell us what you were doing?”
“My husband’s dying. Do you think I care about any of that? What makes y’all think anything other than trying to save him matters to me right now? That anyone else not Brandon matters to me right now, when I might have to decide if he lives or dies? Maybe, just maybe, he and I did a hell of a lotta talking about what would matter to us if he died? And I’m gonna tell you something. If y’all were in my shoes right now, you absolutely would’ve fucking done the same thing I did. If anyone of y’all wanna preach at me about it, you can fucking wait until after his funeral. Because I just don’t give a fuck. He didn’t wanna die on anyone else’s terms and I promised him he wouldn’t have to. To the rest of the world, it was an accident. I ain’t ever gonna say otherwise. Let the shit hit their fans. I don’t see anyone else in all this fighting for their lives, do you?” Merlin usually wasn’t this direct or abrasive but he was worn thin from grief and fear. He didn’t want to have to keep grinding over and over this. He would tell his brother’s the truth. He would probably tell Wes. Everything else, he would have to play by ear.
Jesse had teared up as soon as he heard a tone in Merlin’s voice he had never heard before. He knew this would be new for Damien too and hard to process. Merlin was usually an easygoing happy and content kid. This was someone fighting like hell for the person he loved with no energy left to deal with it. Merlin had every right to let them known none of this was up for debate. Jesse knew, just like Merlin said, he would absolutely do the same if Jace was in Brandon’s shoes. He sniffled, taking a tissue for himself. “I had a message from Justin, buddy. He wants to run decoy for you.”
Merlin frowned, not followed. “Decoy…? For what?”
“He connected the dots, buddy. I mean, he lives this stuff, right? The fame and exposure. He didn’t outright come out and assume you posted on purpose but he said he’s willing to go public with his suicide attempt and the dialysis as a way to firm up the position that your post was accidental and avert the shit hitting the fan a little and distracts the media from the fact Brandon’s here getting treatment also. So no one is trying to hound either of you here. He used the phrase, getting everyone to look in another direction away from where Brandon is. He said it’s so you can have a few days to catch your breath and figure out what you want to do with everything. He said there just needs to be a planted statement saying he’s in hospital but he hasn’t spoken to you but he hopes you’re holding up. People will just assume then you aren’t here at the same hospital as he is. At first, I didn’t know what it would achieve until he explained it like that. He said the ball’s in your court,” Jesse explained, knowing that Justin’s offer was still on the table if Merlin wanted it.
Merlin wet his lips, needing to run it through his mind a couple of times to get it to sink in. It was hard being just out of surgery after everything that happened before it. His mind was hazy and felt like it had no more room to cope with anything. “I… didn’t really think anything about the logistics. It was only ever the plan to take the leap if Bran took a turn for the worst and couldn’t make his own decisions. He didn’t want me to go through his death with no one knowing we were married. It wasn’t even anything about being in the closet for him, he just wants to die true to himself. Fuck, I can’t ask Jus to do that. He deserves privacy with his suicide attempts. I don’t need him feeling he has to expose it all for my sake. I just figured security could deal with keeping stalkers away or something. I dunno…”
“Justin doesn’t offer stuff like that without being sure about it,” Damien reminded Merlin and pulled a chair up to his bedside so he could sit with him. “He’s gonna know what it’s like to desperately need breathing space when you’re sick.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Merlin let go of the magic button Liam gave him to put his hand over his face. “Do y’all know how he’s doing? I just don’t want him to have to sacrifice his breathing space to give us some. His mental health depends on it.”
Jesse pulled up another seat to sit next to Damien. “I don’t think he would have offered if he hadn’t considered it deeply. I saw Sam in the cafeteria. Justin’s still in recovery and the dialysis is a hard slog but he’s holding up. He wants to go home. There might be a bit of subconscious self-harming declining medications but those little psychological aftershocks are inevitable when he’s recovering from an episode. Do you think it could be something that helps, even just for a few days? We all just wanna help, buddy. We know there’s not a lot we can do, though.”
“I get it. I feel the same way. Maybe it would help to at least not let anyone know he’s here at this hospital. Not yet anyway. I don’t feel like I can fucking cope with anything beyond just being there for Brandon and waiting. All I’ve got is waiting. I-I guess I do just need a few days. Even if I don’t think I’m gonna be any closer to figuring all this out then. But I ain’t ever gonna forgive myself if it really ain’t something Justin’s up to doing, just ‘cause he’s got this huge fucking heart. I think Bran would appreciate it, though. I really do.” Merlin realised then that he was trying to think for two brains, his and Brandon’s. He was trying to make all these calls on a life that wasn’t his but it was a life he promised to share. “I feel like I’m getting a migraine.”
“It’s stress and fear.” Jesse got up again and went through to the attached private bathroom to wet a face cloth. He wrung it out and brought it back to drape over Merlin’s forehead, holding it there for him. “Don’t make any decision now, okay? When I saw Sam, he said Justin was sleeping so you probably can’t get him on FaceTime or anything. Try to rest for a few hours and see how you feel then. You’ve been through a lot of stress today. You don’t have to make any decisions yet. If you don’t rest, you’ll make yourself sick and then you won’t be able to stay in with Brandon. So just focus on Brandon and let yourself recover from surgery.”
Damien was holding Merlin’s hand, rubbing the backs of his knuckles to try to comfort him. “I think you’re doing so well, buddy. I really do. I dunno how you’re doing it, but I’m proud of you. Seeing you in love has been so epic and I’m so fucking sorry you gotta be in pain like this. I know praying ain’t gonna do no good but we’re all thinking of you both. We’re all here for you. We ain’t gonna breathe down your neck or keep trying to stick our noses in on business that’s only yours and Brandon’s but we’re all here for you if you need anything. I think that’s why Justin’s offered. It’s a way to help. You’d do the same for him, I know you would.”
Merlin nodded and his eyes slipped closed when he felt like crying again. He would do it for Justin, or any of his friends, if it was them. He wished it could be any other way. “It just all really hurts,” he whispered, breath hitching when he couldn’t fight back the tears. “Fuck, I just wanna see him. I just wanna be there for him and hold his hand. I can’t even do that.”
“Not yet but you’re giving him bone marrow. You not being able to sit with him just yet is a lil’ sacrifice for that. He knows you ain’t ever gonna be far from him right through this. You promised him that and he knows you meant it,” Jesse reminded him, wiping Merlin’s tears away with his thumb. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep? It’ll make the wait go a bit quicker and I know it seems like empty platitudes but it really will help to a lil’ rest. Surgery’s rough on its own without all the added stress. Damo and I can wait or we can go and give you some alone time while you rest. We’re just a text away and your phone’s right here if you need anything.”
“I think maybe I just wanna be alone and try to sleep a bit,” Merlin admitted, sniffling.
“Good call,” Damien agreed, standing. He leaned over and kissed Merlin’s head. “You want us to go sit with Brandon? We can take turns. He ain’t gonna be alone one minute while you can’t be there. Love you, buddy. You might be grown up and married now but you’re always gonna be my baby brother. We’re still gonna protect you too.”
This just made Merlin dissolve into heavier tears. He managed to get out a sobbed agreement for them to go sit with Brandon and told his brothers he loved them too. Other than that, he needed to stop trying to fight the tears, have some time alone to be sad and sleep so he had the strength for whatever this horrible situation threw at him next.
LOG, COMPLETE