dreamlikenewyork | [ FACEBOOK ] with Brandon Blake @ magicmoments

You're still adorable when you're overstimulated, baby. I'll just admire you from across the room when you are.

Just sit across there and throw Adderall at me. It'll kick in eventually.

I'd rather sit with you. I'll take my chances. You're really not that bad. I know how to help now. When I first experienced it and didn't realise what it was, I was wondering if it was me getting on your nerves.

The only time you really got on my nerves was when you were drunk and trying to break up with me to spare me the burden. But I get why you tried that on. My ADHD stuff, it's never you that's the trigger. You just sometimes accidentally get caught in the crossfire.

I think we've established since having cancer, me being drunk is really not a good idea. And I'm not even talking about physically. Sure, but that's marriage. I think despite sometimes fucking it up together, we mostly nail it. Even on the bad days. Maybe especially on the bad days.

I just need a LOT of Red Bull to juggle drunk you, is all. Yeah, see, I'm gonna need you to remember the importance of that, darlin'. Because I know there's gonna be times ahead where you easily forget it or doubt it.

If the thought of another demonic hangover didn't do it, I'm pretty sure you on a LOT of Red Bull is scary enough to deter me from getting drunk any time in the future. Pretty sure your Red Bull-fueled ADHD would make me cry. I remember it. I never forget it. I just make dumb choices that I think are helping us at the time but are actually making shit worse for us. I think I'm still figuring out how to be married. Which sounds dumb because we've been married a little while now. What I mean is, being married as a well person. That's where I dropped the ball.

Absolutely no one needs to be inflicted with me on Red Bull, especially not the love of my life. I'd like to not risk divorce. It's okay, darlin'. I understand why you did what you did. The situation was and is fucked. The fact neither of us knew how to juggle it is okay. A little birdie told me you've been real upset because we argued when I was sick. Bran, I didn't even know I was sick. I didn't. I just thought I was stressed out. My gut kinda does the same sort of thing with a flare up as it does with, like, huge emotional shit. I don't want you beating yourself up about that for the next 5 years. You didn't drop any balls. You just fumbled it a bit. Understandably.

I know you understand but honestly, I did not play any of this shit how I promised you I would and that's on me. I was trying to just keep everything normal when it was impossible that any of it could be normal. See, I know you really mean that but the fact you thought being unwell was just your normal and neither of us noticed, it's a problem we need to work on. I won't fumble the ball again, baby.

I love you for shooting for the normal, though. Even if it was freaking me out a bit. Okay, a lot. It looked a lot like denial and denial scares the shit outta me. Only, not literally, as we discovered. Kinda did the opposite, huh? We're both gonna have times we fumble the ball, darlin'. But we're getting better at dealing with it.

I've been craving some normal with you. I thought we were really on track for it too. Not so fucking much now, though. It wasn't denial, I promise. I did the denial the first time around and I ended up worse because I waited too long to get help. That's what I'm trying to prevent, so we can both still have some sort of life regardless of it.

I know, darlin'. We'll just have to rewrite what normal is for us now, that's all. We just need to make the most of when you're having the good days. My life's always been pretty basic and simple, so I'm gonna be content regardless. You were the one with the chaotic life. Is that the sort of 'normal' life you're hoping to get back to? Because I might need to pay Jax to fill my shoes sometimes. I'm a out and proud introvert, socializing and being out exhausts me. I prefer it in small bursts. So, maybe just when you need a Plus One. I'll leave the rest of the award-winning TV star stuff up to you. If you don't ration it a lil', though, I'm going to worry about you. I can't not.

You would tell me if there were things worrying you, right? You know you can tell me anything and it won't make me angry or upset? I'm not talking now while you're recovering and still not feeling well. But when things settle a bit and we try to find some sort of groove with what's changed that we didn't expect, I don't want you to stop talking to me to protect me. I don't know how to do any of this without you anymore and I don't want to either. That isn't my life anymore. You are. I'm not going to be doing most of that stuff while I'm sick, babe. I know I have to be very selective with what I can manage. I'm not going into this deluded or blindsided, okay?

I'm going to be home in a little while. Wanna have a little pseudo-date? By which, I mean chill out together in bed and watch a movie or something?

... yes? Just maybe not immediately? Don't get pissed or anything. I'm not saying I'm keeping things from you, I just mean that sometimes, it takes me time to even realise that I'm worrying about something. My head gets really full sometimes. The problem doesn't always clearly present itself until it's done a few chaotic laps around my head first. But okay... maybe there's some things that might help to talk out. That doesn't mean they're problems! Okay? Just a lil brain chaos.

Does Yoda shit the swamp? Hell yeah, I want a pseudo-date.

I'm not pissed, baby. I'm not going to get pissed. I haven't been pissed at any of this all the way through. Frustrated, yeah. At you? No. At me and at the situation. I'm not saying you have to talk to me about every all the the time, I just don't want you to forget you can or choose not to because you're trying to protect me from something. You trying to shoulder shit alone isn't protecting me. If I have a gut feeling something might be off, is it okay to ask you if it is? You can tell me you're not ready to talk or you don't know but is it okay to ask? I want to help with your brain chaos, not make it worse.

Not that I can personally fact-check that, but I'll take it as a yes.

Yeah. Course you can. Always. Might not always know the answer but you can always ask me anything. Can I ask you something, though? And I don't want you to answer straight away. Just think about it and we can talk when you get home. How come your brain ain't chaos right now, considering everything?

Then it's a date

I mean, I once saw you scream at the microwave and tell popcorn to STFU, so...

It was extremely loud popcorn!

It totally was! How are you feeling? Are you home? I was going to come see you when you got out of hospital but I might actually be on my way to Australia by then. I miss you!

I miss you too! Not home yet. Just waiting for the doctor to sign my discharge papers, so soon. Pretty crappy but better than I was. Understatement of the century. Everything's been a lot lately. Just wanna go home to my own bed. OMG, you're going to see Justin and Sash?

Make sure you do what you're told when you get home and rest. All you butt pains pushing too hard, too soon and getting into all sorts of messes. Jus asked Tori to come because they need to tell Sash again that Andi's died and he thinks he might not believe it unless her family are there. I'm going over with Tori for moral support. Payton's coming with us.

Yes, boss. Don't worry, everyone's making sure I have no wiggle room to be a butt pain. Actually, I'm still too sore and feeling meh to do anything other than veg out in bed. It kinda floored me how sick this thing made me. I don't wanna worry Bran so I'm 100% following doctor's orders. Oh, shit. That's awful. I don't even think there's any helpful thing to say to that. He really forgot she died? I met Payton. He was my doctor in the ER and was super nice, even when I nearly threw up on him.

You're lucky you're cute, mister. Seriously, though, your hubby was super worried about you when you got sick. He called me to tell me you were in hospital and would be out of work for a bit and he was freaking out that you were going to be diagnosed with cancer. And he was upset because you guys argued when you were sick and he didn't realise. Yeah, he's lost a chunk of his recent memory, to some time before Andi's death and before Justin. Payton's an amazing doctor. You were in good hands. I'm scared and worried about Tori.

Yeah, we both had a couple of weeks of it. I was pretty sick and with the symptoms I was having, I ain't surprised it triggered some trauma in him. The doctors said some blockages can be caused by tumours but thankfully, it was just the UC thing. Nothing cancerous. They took some biopsies to fully clear me, though. I didn't even realise I was sick until I was threw up. When are you leaving, sweet? Can you come over for a quick visit before you go? Doesn't matter what time. My sleep's all fucked up anyway. I gotta talk to you about some stuff and you can talk to me about this stuff with Justin and Sash. It's gonna be super hard for Tori to deal with. He barely talks about Andi ever. Some people don't always know how to talk about the most painful shit. I know, I'm married to one of them.

So, the UC thing, when you were diagnosed, they said it was mild, yeah? Are they saying it's not anymore? Because I know you, honeybunch, and you've always felt sick when you're under a lot of stress. Stress makes it worse, doesn't it? You've had a super amount of stress, so it would make sense if it got worse. Did they fix the problem or is it just a band-aid? Sorry for the third degree. I'm used to trying to wheedle deets out of Justin about this sort of thing. Do they think the biopsies will show something else? We're leaving probably the day after tomorrow. I can definitely come. You sure you're okay for visitors? I think Tori's similar to Brandon in that sense. He's still dealing with stuff, how they lost her and all. I don't know how he's going to get through it. But we'll talk when I get there, okay? x

Well, it was more just a fact it wasn't flaring when I was diagnosed so at the time, the inflammation was mild. Only now, they think stress with Bran's transplant and him nearly dying kinda made it flare up in a super way so there was more inflammation and that caused like a scar tissue in my guts. That caused the blockage and it could only be repaired surgically. There'll be times it'll be barely there and others it'll be flared up. That's just how it works. They fixed it. It's just not a cure. There's no cure. They think the biopsies might show another kinda associated condition, kinda a food allergy thing. Which I hope not because I really, really love pizza. It's already a bit shit with the lactose-free cheese. But I promise I won't whine about that shit when you come. There's way worse things than maybe giving up pizza. If I'm asleep when you come, just tell whoever answers the door it's okay for you to come in and wake me x

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