Brandon Blake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
signofthetimes) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-07-07 12:23 am
signofthetimes) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-07-07 12:23 am
"I'll reach my hands out in the dark and wait for yours to interlock."
Who: Brandon Blake and Merlin Blake
What: First Date & Five Wishes
Where: Cape Cod, MA
When: After this
Merlin came out of the walk-in closet attached to the master suite of the beach house, pulling on his skinny jeans after the leisurely morning shower he and Brandon took together. Brandon hadn’t felt too good after Tara and Lachlan’s visit the evening before where Tara was pretty certain there was cancer in his lymph nodes when she examined him. She couldn’t specifically confirm without doing a PET Scan when he returned to New York but they would do that anyway for his pre-transplant markup. They both got a little upset hearing they would definitely need to add intensive radiation to his conditioning phase but after a good sleep the night before, Merlin was relieved that Brandon was feeling a lot better and they decided to get out of the house for a bit and do something together.
“Okay, Damo and Liam’s wedding ain’t ‘til tomorrow so today is our oyster, darlin’. What do you feel like doing? We can do anything.” Merlin zipped up his jeans and came over to give Brandon a kiss where he was sitting on the end of the bed in just a towel, working his way through his morning pills sitting in a pile beside him.
The morning pills were a slow process for Brandon. There were so many of them of various colours and sizes and his stomach was always unsettled so getting them down could be a battle. “We could get a private boat charter,” he suggested, admiring the view of Merlin in nothing but skinny jeans. “Or go on a whale watch cruise.”
Merlin sprayed some deodorant under his arms and pointed at Brandon with the can. “Anything not on a boat,” he amended.
“Why not? You don’t like boats?” Brandon asked, popping another couple of the pills in his mouth and washing them down with a sip of water.
“Get seasick,” Merlin revealed, moving onto his aftershave. Very expensive aftershave that Brandon had given him as a gift. No more of his general department store stuff he usually bought. He liked spending money on products but Brandon’s choices were way more luxury and expensive that he had ever been able to afford.
Brandon raised his eyebrows. “Really?
“Very, very bad seasick,” Merlin had to emphasise sheepishly. “Used to get carsick too but thankfully I grew outta that. Unless I’m in the backseat on long trips.”
Brandon tilted his head, thinking for a moment. The last thing he wanted was to go on a fun date together doing something that would make Merlin sick. “Airsick?”
Merlin shook his head. “Nope, never had that. That’s Justin’s area of expertise.”
“Justin gets airsick? Oh, hell, his tour’s going to be interesting. Poor guy,” Brandon laughed.
“I know. The squad and his fam all pull the piss about it but he’s used to it and he gives as good as he gets. If you met his dad and uncles some day, you’ll see where his sense of humour comes from. It’s something to do with all his meds for his mental illness, how they alter his brain chemicals so the inner ear thing with air travel makes him sick. You wanna go on a plane somewhere today?” Merlin asked, confused with where Brandon was going with this.
Brandon shook his head. “No, not a plane. I was thinking helicopter. How about an aero-tour of Cape Cod? I can call on some of my connections, get us a flight. If you think you’ll be okay. It’s different to being in a plane. Then maybe we can go sit on the beach for a bit, just us. Don’t worry, I’ll drown myself in sunscreen. I just feel like I need air and sun. Enjoy a few of these things before everything starts. I might not get another chance.”
“Whaaaaaaat?! Seriously? Oh my god, that sounds so epic! I wanna do that!” Merlin squealed, grinning. “Have you done it before? Do you think you’ll be okay? I can’t believe you can just arrange something like that on the spur of the moment. I mean, I can. I know who I’m married to. The sexiest guy on the planet, clearly.”
Once Brandon took the last of his pills, he grabbed Merlin’s hand and pulled him into his lap, both hands going to Merlin’s glorious butt in those jeans. “Now, that can’t be. Because I happen to be the one married to the sexiest guy on the planet. These jeans are doing things to me, baby.” He started to kiss Merlin slowly, enjoying his lips and his mouth, the way Merlin was straddled over his lap. “I figured seeing as we can’t go out there and celebrate Pride together, we can have our own little celebration and go on our first official date together. I think I’ll be okay but we can pack a few things just in case, right?”
Merlin would probably pack enough provisions to last a week because he was an expert in Brandon’s ‘just in cases’. He rubbed Brandon’s pack and combed his hair back with his fingers. “You would wanna go to Pride if we were out? I only just realised now that Pride Month has probably been playing on your mind with the whole closeted thing. You might not get a chance to celebrate it loudly and proudly like the rest of the community.”
“If I was out, sure. I’d definitely have gotten involved in Pride somehow. I’ve been conscious of it being Pride Month but not really in a bad way. I’m happy the community gets to celebrate like that and I wish I could join them. We’ve had the wedding coming up and other stuff going on around us, so I don’t feel like I’ve missed out. It just would’ve been nice, you know? I’m in a happy, committed relationship with another guy and I would celebrate that at Pride, from the rooftops if I could. I think I’m just realising all the good I could’ve done coming out rather than staying in the closet and I’ve missed that chance,” Brandon murmured, shrugging. He kissed Merlin again and smiled. “But it’s nothing to be getting down about today. This is our first date, remember? I’m pretty proud of that, that we get the chance.”
Merlin closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Brandon’s. “I just need a minute,” he whispered, wetting his lips. Sometimes, the reality of everything just hit and reminded him this could be temporary, taking his breath away.
“I know, baby. Me too.” Brandon brushed a little kiss to Merlin’s lips and rubbed his back, just holding him. “You okay? Still on track for out date?”
“Hell, yeah!” Merlin smiled, not wanting to let his rogue emotions get too off-track today. With another quick kiss, he climbed off Brandon’s lap. “Let me just throw a few things into a backpack to take with us just in case. I know you’re feeling a lil’ more on top of it all today but you never know when we’re out and about. Need to make sure we have your daytime meds too. Sorry, darlin’. You know I’ll relax more if we’re sorted before we go out,” he added, laughing.
Brandon snorted in amusement, nodding. “Yeah, yeah, I know, sweetheart. I’ve got to get dressed anyway. Did I even pack jeans? I feel like I’ve been in nothing but sweatpants or PJ pants forever.” He reached behind him to get his phone so he could get Montana to tee-up the helicopter tour with the guy Brandon had connections with. Sometimes, this being a celebrity thing really had its perks.
Merlin found Brandon’s favourite jeans, bringing them over to him and grabbing another kiss. “I have no objection to either of those, by the way. Especially when you don’t wear underwear and everything is au-naturale, doing it’s own free thing down there. Just like they’re doing right now in that towel.”
“Not quite doing as much of a free thing as I wished they would.” Brandon looked down at his lap with a smirk. “But that’s okay. We’ve got tonight with a certain medicinal boost, baby.”
“Yes. Yes, we do. Now I need to go think about my old school librarian giving a lapdance before I castrate myself in these jeans,” Merlin joked, heading into the bathroom.
By the time Brandon dressed and was satisfied he was presentable to be out in public (albeit as obscured as he could be) and Merlin packed all the provisions they might need if Brandon took a bad turn, Montana had arranged the aero-tour for them, the pilot more than happy to help and bend over backwards to make it a fun day. Brandon already knew him, so his privacy was intact. But didn’t know everything, unfortunately.
“Brandon! Fantastic to see you again. Thanks so much for coming along.” Mike, the owner of the helicopter, gave Brandon a welcoming smile, shaking his hand.
Brandon shook his hand, returning the smile. “No, thank you for throwing this together at short notice. Normally I would’ve tried to shoot for more notice but I’m a bit pressed for time. I’d like you to meet my--” He stopped himself, putting his hand on Merlin’s shoulder with a soft tap. “This is Merlin. Merlin, Mike. He’s the owner and our pilot today.”
Merlin felt the apology in Brandon’s gentle pat of his shoulder. Outwardly, neither of them balked but inside, Merlin felt a tug he didn’t expect to bother him as much as it did. He wouldn’t let on, though, because he had told Brandon time and again that he was okay with this whole deal. And he was, where it counted. That didn’t mean he felt the same deep in his heart now he and Brandon were legally married. The marriage had never been planned but it meant more to him than anything else ever had. He smiled and shook Mike’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m just here to make sure Brandon’s okay today. This is just um… a thank you. In advance. I’m a bone marrow donor match for him and I’ve never been in a helicopter, so…”
“A match! That’s incredible news, Brandon. Bev and I were just talking about you being ill this morning. We couldn’t believe it when we heard. Bev thought it might just be usual showbiz overreaction, until she read further and saw you’d made the announcement herself. How have you been feeling with it all? That chemo, it’s a cruel demon. Wonderful thing you’re doing for Brandon, Merlin. It will be an honour to take you up today as your personal tour guide.” Mike gestured to the door of the office leading out to the hangar.
Brandon almost took Merlin’s hand, until Merlin side-stepped so he couldn’t, pretending to be vastly interested in the garden full of summery flowers they walked past. He was starting to wonder if this was a good idea, now it was dawning on him that they couldn’t show any PDA whatsoever… on their honeymoon. He was about to start concurring to the horrors of chemo and cancer in general, but instead, he stopped walking. “Mike, I can trust you, right? Like, if I told you something, we take it up there in the air and stays there? Completely and entirely. As if my life depends on it.”
“Of course you can, son. You have my complete confidence. You don’t mean your life depends on it literally, do you? You’re safe to fly or do I need a doctor’s clearance?” Mike asked with a laugh.
Merlin had stopped back by the window of the office to look at the map the flight tour took and hurried to catch back up when he heard what Brandon said. “Bran…”
Brandon took his phone out of his pocket. “Thanks for reminding me. My doctor emailed me a clearance.” He forwarded the scanned document from Tara to Mike’s phone. And then pointed to Mike’s phone. “Medical clearance to fly. Oh, and that’s my wedding photo. Merlin’s my husband, we got married a few days ago and this is our honeymoon before I undergo a potentially life-saving or life-threatening procedure with his bone marrow, without which, I would be dead in a couple of months. I’m gay. Strictly off the record and confidential. Up in the air and stays there.”
Merlin had his hand held up ready to stop Brandon but then it was just out there and he just put his fist to his mouth, eyes shooting to Brandon to double check he wasn’t sleep walking or having some sort of new psychological side effect to something. Then he just gave Mike a little awkward wave because he had no idea how the rest of this was supposed to play out. “Just for the record, I’m legit. As his bone marrow donor, I mean. Not husband. Shit, I mean--”
Brandon put his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and kissed him, cutting him off before he started babbling too much to try to explain what was happening here. “He’s legit my husband and bone marrow donor.” He took Merlin’s hand and held it up, showing Mike their matching rings. “Because I’ve been so sick, we haven’t been able to have a real date so this is officially our first date.”
Mike was smiling, watching them both together. Then he stepped up and patted them both on the shoulders. “Your secret’s safe with me, boys. My eldest is gay. Took him until he was nineteen to be ready to come out to the world and he grew up a stone’s throw from Provincetown. Congratulations. I’m over the moon for you. And you know what? Today’s on me. Call it a wedding present and a good luck present for your procedure, Brandon. Even though I’ll be piloting this thing, you two just pretend I’m invisible and enjoy your date.” He gave them a wink and headed off into the hangar.
“He’s the first person not directly connecting to you or me I came out to,” Brandon realised, watching Mike disappear around the corner. “The world didn’t explode.”
Merlin put his hand on Brandon’s forehead. “And not burning up, either. Shame we’re out in public or we could totally get down with a celebratory blowjob.” He pulled him close and smiled. “You okay? That’s pretty fucking huge, darlin’. You just didn’t even give a fuck. You broke a contract and you just don’t give a fuck.”
Brandon shook his head. “Really don’t give a fuck about anything but you right now. Mike’s a really good guy. I know his son’s gay, so I knew it would be okay but I wasn’t prepared to hide you on our honeymoon. Fuck that. Fuck the network. It felt really fucking good too. Who was the first person you came out to? I don’t think I’ve ever asked you that. For some reason I assumed it was Cassidy.”
“It was Jesse. I wasn’t talking to my family at the time, it was after I found out about the adoption. Jesse was there for me through that whole thing. Cas kind of got the ball rolling in my head when shit was hitting the fan for me. I thought for a long time I wasn’t ready for sex. Like, at all. She and I, we were just more like best friends. We held hands, things like that. It didn’t come close to being sexual other than an over the clothes thing. She planted the seat that maybe I wasn’t ready because it wasn’t just about sex. It wasn’t long after Justin’s nurse, Hunter, came out as pan. He’s… actually, you might even know Cruz Quinlan? They married Hunter. It’s the first I really knew what it was, so I asked Justin about it and he got Hunter to come talk to me. He only figured it out when he fell for Cruz, his first non-female love interest. Before that, he had no clue. On the other hand, other than Wes, you’re the only person who’s ever seen me naked,” Merlin joked, grinning when he offered Brandon his hand to follow Mike into the hangar.
“And there’s probably a million stories about you and Wes seeing each other naked, right?” Brandon laughed, shaking his head. “Tell me you at least have more fun with me naked than you do him.”
Merlin pulled Brandon into a kiss. “Oh, hands down, baby. Emphasis on the hands down.” He pointed down between them. “Don’t worry. Wes and I were just so used to getting naked around each other since we were babies that we didn’t see a point of getting all shy by the time puberty hit. I was totally jealous he got pubes before I even knew what pubes really were. I was such a freaking late bloomer. Which is funny because so was Jess and Damo was, like, thinking about sex when he was twelve or something. Uh, there’s no helicopters in here and I’m not flying in any of these puny planes. Do you know how often these things fall outta the sky?”
Brandon looped his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and kissed his head. “Don’t stress, the chopper’s outside. I saw it when we were driving in. These are Mike’s hobby planes and there’s no way in hell I’m taking my beautiful husband in anything that has a significant risk of falling out of the sky when he’s just promised me hands down we can have fun later and I can have another Viagra dose tonight. Come on. You’re going to love it, baby.”
With Mike armed with the news Brandon and Merlin were newlyweds, he told them not to bother with the tour commentary and just enjoy the flight together and it was exactly what they both needed for their first official date. But besides the incredible views and what an amazing experience it was, Merlin noticed how relaxed and at ease Brandon was. They had fun and laughed a lot, and even though he kept hitting those moments where it felt hard to breathe when the emotions tried to take over, it was easier to push them away so they didn’t get in the way of their date.
“Wow! I can’t believe we just did that and neither of us threw up!” Merlin grinned as they exited the helicopter after thanking Mike for everything. He raked his fingers through his hair, trying to get it to tamed after having the headphones on for the flight. “Like, legit, after getting married and debuting on Broadway, this was the best thing I’ve done in my life!”
Brandon laughed, letting Merlin take his hand to head back over to the hangar. “What, the day we met in London doesn’t even make the top three? Damn, baby.”
“Well, see, the difference between that day and today?” Merlin paused once they were around the corner and pulled Brandon close, studying his lips. “Today, we’re gonna end up naked and making love, which, you know, I’m wondering more and more how much willpower I would’ve had if you hit on me in London. But then I might never have seen you again so I like this version of the alternate universe more. This was the most amazing first date. How many times have you done that?”
“Been in a helicopter or the aero-tour?” Brandon asked, cupping Merlin’s cheeks with his hands to kiss him. “I think if I even knew I had a hope in hell potential naked that night, I wouldn’t have been able to resist. The only thing I’d change about this universe is I’d be healthy and everyone would be well. Anyway, I was too sick in London to have this much fun so I like this as our official first date.”
Merlin tucked his arm around Brandon’s waist, digging around in his pocket for a strip of his painkillers he was due for. Unless Brandon was crashed out in a sound sleep, it wasn’t a good idea to leave it, especially when he was having a good day. “The aero-tour. You said you’d done it before and it was incredible.”
“One.” Brandon took the pills and laughed. “I just wanted you to think I’d done it so you weren’t afraid to get in a helicopter for the first time. I actually know Mike from work. He’s piloted some of the choppers they used in the show. At least, the first couple of seasons until he retired. He moved up here and opened this business. He’s the reason I bought a place up here. He invited me to his thirtieth wedding anniversary party. I fell in love with the place. Not just how peaceful it was but I had a couple of guy FWBs who own a guest house here in Provincetown. That’s how I know Mike’s son’s gay.”
Merlin hesitated for a step or two and gave Brandon a side-eyed. “... are you saying Mike’s son was one of your entrusted FWBs that you haven’t mentioned since you and I got serious? Mike doesn’t know? Wait. Shut up, Merlin. Of course he wouldn’t. He didn’t know you were gay.”
Brandon swallowed his pills dry and laughed, pocketing the rest of the strip. He took Merlin’s hand, lacing their fingers so they could head back to the car at a leisurely stroll. “Yeah, he was. But don’t worry. Those guys all had a mutual agreement with me of complete discretion and trust. We still do. But I shot them all a text when you and I started dating to tell them I was in a relationship. I do still keep in touch with them occasionally but it’s completely platonic now, I promise.”
“I know. You said you put the brakes on, so I know you mean that. Maybe some celebrities have a bad habit of infidelity and affairs but I know that’s not you. I like that it was Mike’s son. He seems like a really love guy so I bet his son is too, if he’s the one you trusted with all that. I know that’s what you needed at the time. And I know I’m what you need now.” Merlin squeezed Brandon’s hand and was quiet for a few moments. When they neared the car, he stopped, turning to Brandon. “Can I talk to you about one little thing? Actually, it’s not really little. It’s huge. I’ve just been trying to wait for the right time to bring it up but I don’t think there is a right time. I just wanna do it when you’re feeling well and feeling… how much I love you.”
“A huge thing. Of course you can, sweetheart. Here or in the car? Or back at the house?” Brandon switched the alarm off his car and handed Merlin the keys. “Do I need to have a nervous sick feeling in my gut because I can feel it setting in?”
Merlin wrapped his hand around Brandon’s fingers holding the keys and rose up on his toes to kiss him. “No nervous sick needed at all. It’s nothing bad. Just complicated, I think. But what about us isn’t at the moment? Is there a beach somewhere near here we just go park at for a lil’ bit?”
Brandon chose a beach that was only a couple of minutes down the road from the hangar and Merlin pulled up into the parking lot right on the beach, beautiful views of the water stretched out before them. “Is this going to be one of these difficult conversations we wish we didn’t need to have that I need to discreetly get the box of Kleenex out of the glove compartment for?”
Merlin gave Brandon a sheepish smile. “Let’s just leave them in there with the option to get them out if needed.” He turned sideways in the seat, taking Brandon’s hand. He wasn’t really here to take in the views, it was just nice to have the pleasant backdrop. “I want you to possibly reconsider your DNR. I know why you made the order back when you were first diagnosed and you thought without a marrow match, you didn’t wanna prolong the inevitable. You didn’t see a reason to come back if all you had left was a few months on the clock. I just don’t think I’m gonna be able to cope well if you take a bad turn knowing you have a DNR and they can’t touch you if you crash.”
“Oh, baby…” Brandon sighed, wrapping both his hands around Merlin’s. “I just don’t want you thinking I made that decision because I was giving up and wanting to die rather than fight this. I made it because they told me that a crash would be taxing on my system and I could lose functioning if I had cardiac or respiratory failure. Or I could bleed out in my stomach, lungs, or head if they performed any sort of invasive or aggressive resuscitation on me. At the time, I just thought it was the best choice. That’s not how I want to die. But you want me to try to hold on if there’s a chance I could still be okay after it?”
Merlin took some time to think before answering. He had done a lot of maturing since discovering his adoption and meeting Brandon. Anything to do with Brandon’s welfare or wellbeing, he never just ran in without thinking on it. He did a hell of a lot of thinking, especially during the times Brandon was really sick or wiped out and the only way to have time together was Merlin to sit with him while he slept. But those were special moments because time was time. At this point, it was rationed and priceless.
“Of course I want you to hold on. I want you to be well enough to be able to hold on and not have to say goodbye forever but this ain’t an ideal world, is it?” he murmured, stroking his finger back and forth over Brandon’s wedding ring. “No, I want to be able to respect your wishes and not remove the power of your own choices from you. And if you still wanna leave it in place, I’ll understand. I really will. Because I understand all that and I think if I was going through what you were, I’d maybe make the same choices. So, maybe, um… a compromise? A middle ground? Maybe if… you’re okay-ish before and the crash is out-of-the-blue by some unexpected complication, they resuscitate and try to give you another chance? But if you’re really sick, unconscious, signs the graft ain’t taking, signs the transplant ain’t gonna be successful, the DNR sticks. Can they even do something like that?”
Brandon closed his eyes briefly and wet his lips. Then he shook his head, touching Merlin’s cheek, tracing his thumb across the corner of his lips. “You know what? I’m not going to quit on you. How about this?” He took his phone out of his pocket and brought up a document entitled Five Wishes and handed it to Merlin. “Before I go into hospital and we start the transplant process, we sit together and help me draw up a Five Wishes directive, giving you the power to make decisions for me if I can’t. I know we’re married but I also know that being who I am, I’m a commodity with no biological family and there could be a legal shit fight about who makes what decisions. This will spell it all out, no questions asked. No DNR. But if push comes to shove, I don’t want to be kept on prolonged life support. If they pull me back and I’m in a bad way and my doctors tell you that it’s game over on any life with quality, you let me go. And if there’s any part of me they can take for any sort of organ donation or medical research, let them. That’s all I want.”
Merlin took Brandon’s phone to see what he wanted to show him, a little frown of confusion on his face. “Just… I-I- ain’t… not answering. If I talk, I’m gonna c-cry,” he had to clarify, voice choked and catching on the words. He didn’t want to start bawling because this was one of the most important conversations they needed to have. He didn’t know what Five Wishes was. He had never heard of it before. But the only people he ever knew who had died were very elderly, so this sort of stuff was well out of his usual comfort zone. Fuck, did he understand Brandon’s wishes but that didn’t make it any easier to think about if the time came. Not talking to try to stop himself crying epically failed. By the time he got to reading the last of the document, he handed Brandon’s phone back and got out of the car because he had sudden converging urges to throw up, cry, scream, punch something, or run away until everything stopped being so painful.
He ran down onto the sand and clenched his fists at his sides, squeezing his eyes closed and bit down on his lower lip. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and then kicked off his shoes, plunging his toes into the warm sand. He put his hands on his hips and leaned over, trying to catch his breath. He felt Brandon’s hand on his back and he straightened up again, taking in another deep breath through his nose. “Hmmmokay,” he breathed, squinting in the sunlight. “Everything I read in that document is possibly the most comforting thing I’ve seen since I fell in love with you. Not for me… for you. I’ve been so scared if you start slipping away from me, I’ll never have the chance to be able to keep trying to hold on, even just for a bit longer. That someone’ll take it all away without putting you first. I just wanna have as much time left with you as I can. If they just… didn’t resuscitate you or even try, I’d always worry if you could’ve had a better chance.”
With a soft smile, Brandon held his phone up and hit play on Don't Give Up on Me by Andy Grammer, playing over the stereo in his car. He put the phone back in his pocket and took Merlin’s hand to pull him close. “There’s no one in the world I want to make decisions for me if I can’t more than you, okay? And any decision you need to make in that time, I trust you completely Want to let me dance with my husband? Life’s too short not to dance with your husband, baby. Dance with me until that need to cry fades again.” He gave Merlin a kiss.
A good half an hour later, they were back in the car on the short drive back to the beach house, Brandon driving this time because Merlin’s eyes had been puffy and stinging when they got back into the car. Which led to another twenty or so minutes making out. Merlin had his window down, hand out catching the sea breeze. He looked over at Brandon with a smile, head resting against the headrest. He reached over and massaged the nape of Brandon’s neck. “You’re incredible at this husband thing, you know.”
“Only a few days in and I’m nailing it? Sweet!” Brandon grinned. The Andy Grammer song was replaying on the stereo for the third time on repeat because Merlin said he loved it and he was always going to think of the relief he felt hearing about Five Wishes and that Brandon was okay shelving the DNR for something that gave them both some comfort. “Hell, if I’m incredible then you must be amazingly extraordinary.”
Merlin couldn’t help it if he was a hopeless romantic who worked with the King of Talking Through Lyrics. “No, I’m ordinary. I like being ordinary. If I wasn’t, you might not have fallen in love with me. I might’ve just blurred into the white noise of all the other non-ordinary people in your life. People think ordinary’s bad but it’s nice. You don’t have to keep living up to ordinary. I’ve always been happiest at middle ground. Except when it came to musical theatre. That shit was like crack to me once I started taking drama and music lessons. Before you jump on that, I’m still more than fine on my leave of absence. Because that shit was like crack until I got married and that pretty much trumped everything else in my life. Which means, I kind of wanna go straight to bed with you when we get back to the house and make love to you after all that emotion but you’re actually starting to look really tired, so I think you need a snooze before you get much worse and start puking again.”
Brandon pulled into their drive and hit the garage door control to open it. “I’m tired but I don’t feel like I’m about to crash or anything. Let’s get something to eat and relax for a little while. Hungry?” He shut the car off and pushed his sunglasses onto his head so he could see Merlin better and took his hand. “I’m proud of you for talking to me about the DNR, sweetheart. I know you and ordinary or not, your heart is so extraordinary, it’s out of this world. I know how hard it would’ve been for you to bring this up with me. You would’ve been really anxious I didn’t want to consider withdrawing it but you would’ve still respected my wishes anyway.”
“Definitely starving and definitely could eat. You wanna get a pizza or something?” Merlin pulled Brandon’s hand close to kiss his fingers and then undid both of their seatbelts so Brandon could get inside to rest for a little. “Actually, I was more anxious you would say you did wanna withdraw it.”
Brandon wasn’t expecting that answer. Getting out of the car, he tried to work out a little mental gymnastics on how Merlin was more anxious about him withdrawing the DNR than not. “I had another idea for an early dinner. Unless you really want pizza. You want to fill a dude with chemo brain in how that whole not keeping the DNR made you more worried thing?”
Merlin followed out of the car, coming around to the driver’s side to wrap his arms around Brandon’s waist, giving him a kiss. “Let’s do your idea because pizza ain’t really honeymoon material. Because I knew that I would have to step up to the husband plate and when your life is in my hands, that’s a scary thing. Terrifying, actually. And I don’t mean being your bone marrow donor because all I really need to do there is feel a bit yuck for a week on meds then let them stick needles in my bones under anesthetic. Which totally made Wes puke when I told him that, by the way. He has the worst needle phobia. What I mean is, I am so fucking in love with you and even if it was quick and we’re young, our marriage is sacred to me and so are you as my husband. Having a decision about your life in my hands is absolutely petrifying but I don’t think I’d know how to let anyone else make those choices and have to just be okay with them. I think that’s scarier. I won’t make any choices without help.”
“I know. I know you won’t be alone with any of this and that’s a huge peace of mind for me. Come on, I’ve got a surprise for you. I don’t want you to get upset again.” Brandon gave Merlin’s butt a squeeze and led him through the house to the back porch. He pointed down onto the sand where there was a little white linen tent set up with a cushy mattress with a blue and white striped blanket, piles of pillows, little lanterns and fairy lights draped over the top. Beside it was a large white picnic basket and an icebucket chilling a bottle. “Surprise! It’s days like this, I’m glad I have one of the best PAs in the world. She came and arranged all this for us, complete with all our favourite foods so we can just relax. Promised me she would be a ghost too, even though I reminded her we’re on our honeymoon, not in witness protection. She didn’t want to interfere with our romance. We need to get that girl a boyfriend.”
Merlin’s mouth dropped open and he took in the beautiful set up, breaking into a grin. “Oh my god! This is officially the most amazing first date ever. And really, how many people can say they got married before their first date? I just realised I don’t know what your favourite food is.” He bounced down to the little tent, crawling onto the cushy pile of blankets and pillows beneath it, reaching for the picnic basket. The first thing he pulled out was a bottle of vanilla Ensure. “I hope this is in case you can’t stomach food and is not literally your favourite food.”
Brandon followed him down to their cozy little date nest, still impressed by what Montana pulled off. Nothing was ever too much of a challenge for her and she had connections everywhere to get things done. He had a lot of heart-to-heart chats with her recently about whether she wanted to step away as his PA or stick with it and support him with his health issues and trying to keep his head above water. He was almost the recipient of a forceful bitchslap for being basic. She told him being his PA fully encompassed the ‘personal’ and she wasn’t just there for his work shit and she would rather jump off Brooklyn Bridge naked in the middle of winter than walk away from her job, especially when he needed her now more than ever. She had also formed a strong bond with Merlin and worked with him to make sure Brandon was taken care of the best he could be.
He flopped down beside Merlin on his back, head in Merlin’s lap, stretching and settle in with his feet out catching the warm rays of the sun. He couldn’t get too exposed to the sun because his chemo-dosed skin would fry to a crisp and blister painfully. He could be out in the sun shirtless for all of two minutes before it started to get painful. “This is comfortable as fuck.” He smiled up at Merlin, taking the Ensure off him. “The former. Ew, I’d need a head check if this was my favourite food. What else is in there?”
With one hand stroking Brandon’s hair, Merlin started pulling their food out of the giant basket. “Spag Bol! That’s it, I’m in heaven.” He lifted the corner of the plastic wrap to smell the tomato-y aroma. He took out the next bowl. “Potato mash and gravy? Wait, is this your favourite food?”
“Oh, hell, yes! I don’t even care if it makes me puke, bring it on. I didn’t know your favourite food was spaghetti bolognese. I had to grill Damien for a bit. Caramel cheesecake and mint chip ice cream are your favourite desserts.” Brandon pulled the wrap off the mashed potato and stuck his finger into it and put it in his mouth. “Mmmm, fuck. Solid food. Or semi-solid food. A dude can’t be too choosy right now. This and chicken nuggets.”
Just as Brandon said that, Merlin pulled out a box of McDonalds McNuggets, laughing. “For dipping? But please, feel free to keep sucking your finger like that. Or not. I keep forgetting I’m in skinny jeans. I don’t need a bruised dick.” He took out one of the nuggets, dipped it in the mashed potato and offered it to Brandon for a bite. “Pace yourself, darlin’, or you really will end up being sick and feeling crappy. You trying to find out my favourite foods off my brother is adorable, just for the record.”
“You could always just take them off. Private beach, remember?” Brandon took the nugget and had a bite. He closed his eyes when he realised he could taste some of it and it was glorious. He licked the gravy off his lips. “Oh my god, this is almost as good as sex. Only almost. Not as good as making love, though. Mmm… not sure I even care if it makes me puke, it’ll be worth it.”
Merlin lost interest in the food for a moment, smiling while he watched Brandon enjoy his food vice. Being a millionaire, people probably assumed he lived on lobster and caviar but he knew for a fact Brandon hated seafood just like Merlin did. It was cute as fuck to discover Brandon’s favourite food was something as simple as chicken nuggets and mashed potato. Soul food right there. Maybe that was exactly why it made sense. He lived a lavish and rich lifestyle but that didn’t mean he didn’t appreciate fun and simple things. He wasn’t a posh snob at all. Merlin came to learn as Brandon began to put his financial affairs in order to prepare for the possibility of his death that Brandon invested a lot of his earnings and bankrolled any profits from it into charity. After earning his initial fortune and spending up big, he never knew what else to spend cash on and got bored of it. He lived in luxury and didn’t deny that but he gave a lot back and money was in no way a priority now he was staring death in the face. He protected enough to get the best healthcare in the world but everything else, Merlin knew he could do without.
“I could take them off but then I’d have to ask you to move and I’m not sure I want that.” Merlin had a look what was chilling in the icebucket. “Non-alcoholic sparkling rosé. Did you pick this? Is this nice? Seriously, I’m not even legal drinking age yet, you’d think I’d have a better clue of non-alcoholic options than Coke or Dr Pepper.”
Brandon tipped his head back to see the bottle and laughed. “Oh, man. That’s my drink of choice when I don’t want to get shitfaced. Everyone thinks I’m this epic pink champagne snob because they think it’s what I drink at functions. It’s not. This is what I drink and people think it’s pink champagne. My life, the fucked up world of smoke and mirrors. I just did a lot of piggyback jobs on my schedule. Filming, function, table reads, press junket, filming, media circuit booking, night filming, charity luncheon. The sick and exhausted me doesn’t know how the well me kept it up so long. But I couldn’t do it getting shitfaced at events or I’d be a constant fucking walking hangover and probably dead by the time I was thirty. I mean, by means not cancer. Money covers so much shit in this world. I really think you need to lose the pants, Merlin Blake. Your dick will be a way more comfortable pillow than the fly on skinny jeans.”
Merlin popped the cork of the bottle, aiming it out of the tent so it didn’t hit the wall and bounce back to knock either of them in the face. There were crystal flutes sitting in the sand by the bucket and he poured them both some. Brandon was already moving onto his next chicken nugget, clearly in a happy place. He tasted the drink, not expecting to like it because he didn’t like rosé wine. “Sweet. Better cavities than drunk pictures leaving Chateau Marmont?” He paused before the glass reached his lips and grinned. “Wow, that’s the first time I’ve heard it out loud. I’d ask you to take them off for me but I wouldn’t wanna distract you from your nuggets while you’re actually ingest solid food without gagging. Sit up for a sec.”
Soon, they were both much more comfortable sans jeans and t-shirts and Merlin had a few more pillows behind him to rest against. Brandon’s head was back in his lap but he had distinctly slowed down on his food. “Don’t force yourself, darlin’. We can always reheat later.” He closed the box of nuggets and wiped Brandon’s fingers on a linen napkin for him.” He brushed the tips of his fingers over Brandon’s chest with one hand and his other was feathering through Brandon’s hair. He could see Brandon was barely managing to fight the fatigue of the day now so he didn’t try to keep the conversation going. The lull of the waves of the shore was soothing and they were both relaxed lying on the beach together.
Brandon’s eyes were closed and he was getting sleepy. He didn’t even realise he was dozing on and off, focusing on the feeling of Merlin playing with his hair. “Baby?” he mumurmed, patting Merlin’s hand on his chest.
“Hmm?” Merlin asked softly, smiling. He really thought Brandon had fallen asleep but apparently not quite. He had definitely been dozing on and off for a few minutes. Merlin had to take the glass out of his hand when he lost his grip on it and nearly spilled it over his shoulder.
“If they tell me I’m not going to make it, will you bring me back here? I want to be here, with you,” Brandon mumbled, not opening his eyes but managed to squeeze Merlin’s hand softly, waiting for the confirmation.
Before Merlin spoke, he had to swallow heavily through the emotion catching in his throat. But the request didn’t surprise him. Cape Cod was a peaceful place for Brandon, away from the whirlwind of his public life. He could relax and be himself here and now it was where they got married and were having their honeymoon. He leaned over and kissed Brandon’s forehead. “Of course I will, darlin’...”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: First Date & Five Wishes
Where: Cape Cod, MA
When: After this
Merlin came out of the walk-in closet attached to the master suite of the beach house, pulling on his skinny jeans after the leisurely morning shower he and Brandon took together. Brandon hadn’t felt too good after Tara and Lachlan’s visit the evening before where Tara was pretty certain there was cancer in his lymph nodes when she examined him. She couldn’t specifically confirm without doing a PET Scan when he returned to New York but they would do that anyway for his pre-transplant markup. They both got a little upset hearing they would definitely need to add intensive radiation to his conditioning phase but after a good sleep the night before, Merlin was relieved that Brandon was feeling a lot better and they decided to get out of the house for a bit and do something together.
“Okay, Damo and Liam’s wedding ain’t ‘til tomorrow so today is our oyster, darlin’. What do you feel like doing? We can do anything.” Merlin zipped up his jeans and came over to give Brandon a kiss where he was sitting on the end of the bed in just a towel, working his way through his morning pills sitting in a pile beside him.
The morning pills were a slow process for Brandon. There were so many of them of various colours and sizes and his stomach was always unsettled so getting them down could be a battle. “We could get a private boat charter,” he suggested, admiring the view of Merlin in nothing but skinny jeans. “Or go on a whale watch cruise.”
Merlin sprayed some deodorant under his arms and pointed at Brandon with the can. “Anything not on a boat,” he amended.
“Why not? You don’t like boats?” Brandon asked, popping another couple of the pills in his mouth and washing them down with a sip of water.
“Get seasick,” Merlin revealed, moving onto his aftershave. Very expensive aftershave that Brandon had given him as a gift. No more of his general department store stuff he usually bought. He liked spending money on products but Brandon’s choices were way more luxury and expensive that he had ever been able to afford.
Brandon raised his eyebrows. “Really?
“Very, very bad seasick,” Merlin had to emphasise sheepishly. “Used to get carsick too but thankfully I grew outta that. Unless I’m in the backseat on long trips.”
Brandon tilted his head, thinking for a moment. The last thing he wanted was to go on a fun date together doing something that would make Merlin sick. “Airsick?”
Merlin shook his head. “Nope, never had that. That’s Justin’s area of expertise.”
“Justin gets airsick? Oh, hell, his tour’s going to be interesting. Poor guy,” Brandon laughed.
“I know. The squad and his fam all pull the piss about it but he’s used to it and he gives as good as he gets. If you met his dad and uncles some day, you’ll see where his sense of humour comes from. It’s something to do with all his meds for his mental illness, how they alter his brain chemicals so the inner ear thing with air travel makes him sick. You wanna go on a plane somewhere today?” Merlin asked, confused with where Brandon was going with this.
Brandon shook his head. “No, not a plane. I was thinking helicopter. How about an aero-tour of Cape Cod? I can call on some of my connections, get us a flight. If you think you’ll be okay. It’s different to being in a plane. Then maybe we can go sit on the beach for a bit, just us. Don’t worry, I’ll drown myself in sunscreen. I just feel like I need air and sun. Enjoy a few of these things before everything starts. I might not get another chance.”
“Whaaaaaaat?! Seriously? Oh my god, that sounds so epic! I wanna do that!” Merlin squealed, grinning. “Have you done it before? Do you think you’ll be okay? I can’t believe you can just arrange something like that on the spur of the moment. I mean, I can. I know who I’m married to. The sexiest guy on the planet, clearly.”
Once Brandon took the last of his pills, he grabbed Merlin’s hand and pulled him into his lap, both hands going to Merlin’s glorious butt in those jeans. “Now, that can’t be. Because I happen to be the one married to the sexiest guy on the planet. These jeans are doing things to me, baby.” He started to kiss Merlin slowly, enjoying his lips and his mouth, the way Merlin was straddled over his lap. “I figured seeing as we can’t go out there and celebrate Pride together, we can have our own little celebration and go on our first official date together. I think I’ll be okay but we can pack a few things just in case, right?”
Merlin would probably pack enough provisions to last a week because he was an expert in Brandon’s ‘just in cases’. He rubbed Brandon’s pack and combed his hair back with his fingers. “You would wanna go to Pride if we were out? I only just realised now that Pride Month has probably been playing on your mind with the whole closeted thing. You might not get a chance to celebrate it loudly and proudly like the rest of the community.”
“If I was out, sure. I’d definitely have gotten involved in Pride somehow. I’ve been conscious of it being Pride Month but not really in a bad way. I’m happy the community gets to celebrate like that and I wish I could join them. We’ve had the wedding coming up and other stuff going on around us, so I don’t feel like I’ve missed out. It just would’ve been nice, you know? I’m in a happy, committed relationship with another guy and I would celebrate that at Pride, from the rooftops if I could. I think I’m just realising all the good I could’ve done coming out rather than staying in the closet and I’ve missed that chance,” Brandon murmured, shrugging. He kissed Merlin again and smiled. “But it’s nothing to be getting down about today. This is our first date, remember? I’m pretty proud of that, that we get the chance.”
Merlin closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Brandon’s. “I just need a minute,” he whispered, wetting his lips. Sometimes, the reality of everything just hit and reminded him this could be temporary, taking his breath away.
“I know, baby. Me too.” Brandon brushed a little kiss to Merlin’s lips and rubbed his back, just holding him. “You okay? Still on track for out date?”
“Hell, yeah!” Merlin smiled, not wanting to let his rogue emotions get too off-track today. With another quick kiss, he climbed off Brandon’s lap. “Let me just throw a few things into a backpack to take with us just in case. I know you’re feeling a lil’ more on top of it all today but you never know when we’re out and about. Need to make sure we have your daytime meds too. Sorry, darlin’. You know I’ll relax more if we’re sorted before we go out,” he added, laughing.
Brandon snorted in amusement, nodding. “Yeah, yeah, I know, sweetheart. I’ve got to get dressed anyway. Did I even pack jeans? I feel like I’ve been in nothing but sweatpants or PJ pants forever.” He reached behind him to get his phone so he could get Montana to tee-up the helicopter tour with the guy Brandon had connections with. Sometimes, this being a celebrity thing really had its perks.
Merlin found Brandon’s favourite jeans, bringing them over to him and grabbing another kiss. “I have no objection to either of those, by the way. Especially when you don’t wear underwear and everything is au-naturale, doing it’s own free thing down there. Just like they’re doing right now in that towel.”
“Not quite doing as much of a free thing as I wished they would.” Brandon looked down at his lap with a smirk. “But that’s okay. We’ve got tonight with a certain medicinal boost, baby.”
“Yes. Yes, we do. Now I need to go think about my old school librarian giving a lapdance before I castrate myself in these jeans,” Merlin joked, heading into the bathroom.
By the time Brandon dressed and was satisfied he was presentable to be out in public (albeit as obscured as he could be) and Merlin packed all the provisions they might need if Brandon took a bad turn, Montana had arranged the aero-tour for them, the pilot more than happy to help and bend over backwards to make it a fun day. Brandon already knew him, so his privacy was intact. But didn’t know everything, unfortunately.
“Brandon! Fantastic to see you again. Thanks so much for coming along.” Mike, the owner of the helicopter, gave Brandon a welcoming smile, shaking his hand.
Brandon shook his hand, returning the smile. “No, thank you for throwing this together at short notice. Normally I would’ve tried to shoot for more notice but I’m a bit pressed for time. I’d like you to meet my--” He stopped himself, putting his hand on Merlin’s shoulder with a soft tap. “This is Merlin. Merlin, Mike. He’s the owner and our pilot today.”
Merlin felt the apology in Brandon’s gentle pat of his shoulder. Outwardly, neither of them balked but inside, Merlin felt a tug he didn’t expect to bother him as much as it did. He wouldn’t let on, though, because he had told Brandon time and again that he was okay with this whole deal. And he was, where it counted. That didn’t mean he felt the same deep in his heart now he and Brandon were legally married. The marriage had never been planned but it meant more to him than anything else ever had. He smiled and shook Mike’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m just here to make sure Brandon’s okay today. This is just um… a thank you. In advance. I’m a bone marrow donor match for him and I’ve never been in a helicopter, so…”
“A match! That’s incredible news, Brandon. Bev and I were just talking about you being ill this morning. We couldn’t believe it when we heard. Bev thought it might just be usual showbiz overreaction, until she read further and saw you’d made the announcement herself. How have you been feeling with it all? That chemo, it’s a cruel demon. Wonderful thing you’re doing for Brandon, Merlin. It will be an honour to take you up today as your personal tour guide.” Mike gestured to the door of the office leading out to the hangar.
Brandon almost took Merlin’s hand, until Merlin side-stepped so he couldn’t, pretending to be vastly interested in the garden full of summery flowers they walked past. He was starting to wonder if this was a good idea, now it was dawning on him that they couldn’t show any PDA whatsoever… on their honeymoon. He was about to start concurring to the horrors of chemo and cancer in general, but instead, he stopped walking. “Mike, I can trust you, right? Like, if I told you something, we take it up there in the air and stays there? Completely and entirely. As if my life depends on it.”
“Of course you can, son. You have my complete confidence. You don’t mean your life depends on it literally, do you? You’re safe to fly or do I need a doctor’s clearance?” Mike asked with a laugh.
Merlin had stopped back by the window of the office to look at the map the flight tour took and hurried to catch back up when he heard what Brandon said. “Bran…”
Brandon took his phone out of his pocket. “Thanks for reminding me. My doctor emailed me a clearance.” He forwarded the scanned document from Tara to Mike’s phone. And then pointed to Mike’s phone. “Medical clearance to fly. Oh, and that’s my wedding photo. Merlin’s my husband, we got married a few days ago and this is our honeymoon before I undergo a potentially life-saving or life-threatening procedure with his bone marrow, without which, I would be dead in a couple of months. I’m gay. Strictly off the record and confidential. Up in the air and stays there.”
Merlin had his hand held up ready to stop Brandon but then it was just out there and he just put his fist to his mouth, eyes shooting to Brandon to double check he wasn’t sleep walking or having some sort of new psychological side effect to something. Then he just gave Mike a little awkward wave because he had no idea how the rest of this was supposed to play out. “Just for the record, I’m legit. As his bone marrow donor, I mean. Not husband. Shit, I mean--”
Brandon put his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and kissed him, cutting him off before he started babbling too much to try to explain what was happening here. “He’s legit my husband and bone marrow donor.” He took Merlin’s hand and held it up, showing Mike their matching rings. “Because I’ve been so sick, we haven’t been able to have a real date so this is officially our first date.”
Mike was smiling, watching them both together. Then he stepped up and patted them both on the shoulders. “Your secret’s safe with me, boys. My eldest is gay. Took him until he was nineteen to be ready to come out to the world and he grew up a stone’s throw from Provincetown. Congratulations. I’m over the moon for you. And you know what? Today’s on me. Call it a wedding present and a good luck present for your procedure, Brandon. Even though I’ll be piloting this thing, you two just pretend I’m invisible and enjoy your date.” He gave them a wink and headed off into the hangar.
“He’s the first person not directly connecting to you or me I came out to,” Brandon realised, watching Mike disappear around the corner. “The world didn’t explode.”
Merlin put his hand on Brandon’s forehead. “And not burning up, either. Shame we’re out in public or we could totally get down with a celebratory blowjob.” He pulled him close and smiled. “You okay? That’s pretty fucking huge, darlin’. You just didn’t even give a fuck. You broke a contract and you just don’t give a fuck.”
Brandon shook his head. “Really don’t give a fuck about anything but you right now. Mike’s a really good guy. I know his son’s gay, so I knew it would be okay but I wasn’t prepared to hide you on our honeymoon. Fuck that. Fuck the network. It felt really fucking good too. Who was the first person you came out to? I don’t think I’ve ever asked you that. For some reason I assumed it was Cassidy.”
“It was Jesse. I wasn’t talking to my family at the time, it was after I found out about the adoption. Jesse was there for me through that whole thing. Cas kind of got the ball rolling in my head when shit was hitting the fan for me. I thought for a long time I wasn’t ready for sex. Like, at all. She and I, we were just more like best friends. We held hands, things like that. It didn’t come close to being sexual other than an over the clothes thing. She planted the seat that maybe I wasn’t ready because it wasn’t just about sex. It wasn’t long after Justin’s nurse, Hunter, came out as pan. He’s… actually, you might even know Cruz Quinlan? They married Hunter. It’s the first I really knew what it was, so I asked Justin about it and he got Hunter to come talk to me. He only figured it out when he fell for Cruz, his first non-female love interest. Before that, he had no clue. On the other hand, other than Wes, you’re the only person who’s ever seen me naked,” Merlin joked, grinning when he offered Brandon his hand to follow Mike into the hangar.
“And there’s probably a million stories about you and Wes seeing each other naked, right?” Brandon laughed, shaking his head. “Tell me you at least have more fun with me naked than you do him.”
Merlin pulled Brandon into a kiss. “Oh, hands down, baby. Emphasis on the hands down.” He pointed down between them. “Don’t worry. Wes and I were just so used to getting naked around each other since we were babies that we didn’t see a point of getting all shy by the time puberty hit. I was totally jealous he got pubes before I even knew what pubes really were. I was such a freaking late bloomer. Which is funny because so was Jess and Damo was, like, thinking about sex when he was twelve or something. Uh, there’s no helicopters in here and I’m not flying in any of these puny planes. Do you know how often these things fall outta the sky?”
Brandon looped his arm around Merlin’s shoulders and kissed his head. “Don’t stress, the chopper’s outside. I saw it when we were driving in. These are Mike’s hobby planes and there’s no way in hell I’m taking my beautiful husband in anything that has a significant risk of falling out of the sky when he’s just promised me hands down we can have fun later and I can have another Viagra dose tonight. Come on. You’re going to love it, baby.”
With Mike armed with the news Brandon and Merlin were newlyweds, he told them not to bother with the tour commentary and just enjoy the flight together and it was exactly what they both needed for their first official date. But besides the incredible views and what an amazing experience it was, Merlin noticed how relaxed and at ease Brandon was. They had fun and laughed a lot, and even though he kept hitting those moments where it felt hard to breathe when the emotions tried to take over, it was easier to push them away so they didn’t get in the way of their date.
“Wow! I can’t believe we just did that and neither of us threw up!” Merlin grinned as they exited the helicopter after thanking Mike for everything. He raked his fingers through his hair, trying to get it to tamed after having the headphones on for the flight. “Like, legit, after getting married and debuting on Broadway, this was the best thing I’ve done in my life!”
Brandon laughed, letting Merlin take his hand to head back over to the hangar. “What, the day we met in London doesn’t even make the top three? Damn, baby.”
“Well, see, the difference between that day and today?” Merlin paused once they were around the corner and pulled Brandon close, studying his lips. “Today, we’re gonna end up naked and making love, which, you know, I’m wondering more and more how much willpower I would’ve had if you hit on me in London. But then I might never have seen you again so I like this version of the alternate universe more. This was the most amazing first date. How many times have you done that?”
“Been in a helicopter or the aero-tour?” Brandon asked, cupping Merlin’s cheeks with his hands to kiss him. “I think if I even knew I had a hope in hell potential naked that night, I wouldn’t have been able to resist. The only thing I’d change about this universe is I’d be healthy and everyone would be well. Anyway, I was too sick in London to have this much fun so I like this as our official first date.”
Merlin tucked his arm around Brandon’s waist, digging around in his pocket for a strip of his painkillers he was due for. Unless Brandon was crashed out in a sound sleep, it wasn’t a good idea to leave it, especially when he was having a good day. “The aero-tour. You said you’d done it before and it was incredible.”
“One.” Brandon took the pills and laughed. “I just wanted you to think I’d done it so you weren’t afraid to get in a helicopter for the first time. I actually know Mike from work. He’s piloted some of the choppers they used in the show. At least, the first couple of seasons until he retired. He moved up here and opened this business. He’s the reason I bought a place up here. He invited me to his thirtieth wedding anniversary party. I fell in love with the place. Not just how peaceful it was but I had a couple of guy FWBs who own a guest house here in Provincetown. That’s how I know Mike’s son’s gay.”
Merlin hesitated for a step or two and gave Brandon a side-eyed. “... are you saying Mike’s son was one of your entrusted FWBs that you haven’t mentioned since you and I got serious? Mike doesn’t know? Wait. Shut up, Merlin. Of course he wouldn’t. He didn’t know you were gay.”
Brandon swallowed his pills dry and laughed, pocketing the rest of the strip. He took Merlin’s hand, lacing their fingers so they could head back to the car at a leisurely stroll. “Yeah, he was. But don’t worry. Those guys all had a mutual agreement with me of complete discretion and trust. We still do. But I shot them all a text when you and I started dating to tell them I was in a relationship. I do still keep in touch with them occasionally but it’s completely platonic now, I promise.”
“I know. You said you put the brakes on, so I know you mean that. Maybe some celebrities have a bad habit of infidelity and affairs but I know that’s not you. I like that it was Mike’s son. He seems like a really love guy so I bet his son is too, if he’s the one you trusted with all that. I know that’s what you needed at the time. And I know I’m what you need now.” Merlin squeezed Brandon’s hand and was quiet for a few moments. When they neared the car, he stopped, turning to Brandon. “Can I talk to you about one little thing? Actually, it’s not really little. It’s huge. I’ve just been trying to wait for the right time to bring it up but I don’t think there is a right time. I just wanna do it when you’re feeling well and feeling… how much I love you.”
“A huge thing. Of course you can, sweetheart. Here or in the car? Or back at the house?” Brandon switched the alarm off his car and handed Merlin the keys. “Do I need to have a nervous sick feeling in my gut because I can feel it setting in?”
Merlin wrapped his hand around Brandon’s fingers holding the keys and rose up on his toes to kiss him. “No nervous sick needed at all. It’s nothing bad. Just complicated, I think. But what about us isn’t at the moment? Is there a beach somewhere near here we just go park at for a lil’ bit?”
Brandon chose a beach that was only a couple of minutes down the road from the hangar and Merlin pulled up into the parking lot right on the beach, beautiful views of the water stretched out before them. “Is this going to be one of these difficult conversations we wish we didn’t need to have that I need to discreetly get the box of Kleenex out of the glove compartment for?”
Merlin gave Brandon a sheepish smile. “Let’s just leave them in there with the option to get them out if needed.” He turned sideways in the seat, taking Brandon’s hand. He wasn’t really here to take in the views, it was just nice to have the pleasant backdrop. “I want you to possibly reconsider your DNR. I know why you made the order back when you were first diagnosed and you thought without a marrow match, you didn’t wanna prolong the inevitable. You didn’t see a reason to come back if all you had left was a few months on the clock. I just don’t think I’m gonna be able to cope well if you take a bad turn knowing you have a DNR and they can’t touch you if you crash.”
“Oh, baby…” Brandon sighed, wrapping both his hands around Merlin’s. “I just don’t want you thinking I made that decision because I was giving up and wanting to die rather than fight this. I made it because they told me that a crash would be taxing on my system and I could lose functioning if I had cardiac or respiratory failure. Or I could bleed out in my stomach, lungs, or head if they performed any sort of invasive or aggressive resuscitation on me. At the time, I just thought it was the best choice. That’s not how I want to die. But you want me to try to hold on if there’s a chance I could still be okay after it?”
Merlin took some time to think before answering. He had done a lot of maturing since discovering his adoption and meeting Brandon. Anything to do with Brandon’s welfare or wellbeing, he never just ran in without thinking on it. He did a hell of a lot of thinking, especially during the times Brandon was really sick or wiped out and the only way to have time together was Merlin to sit with him while he slept. But those were special moments because time was time. At this point, it was rationed and priceless.
“Of course I want you to hold on. I want you to be well enough to be able to hold on and not have to say goodbye forever but this ain’t an ideal world, is it?” he murmured, stroking his finger back and forth over Brandon’s wedding ring. “No, I want to be able to respect your wishes and not remove the power of your own choices from you. And if you still wanna leave it in place, I’ll understand. I really will. Because I understand all that and I think if I was going through what you were, I’d maybe make the same choices. So, maybe, um… a compromise? A middle ground? Maybe if… you’re okay-ish before and the crash is out-of-the-blue by some unexpected complication, they resuscitate and try to give you another chance? But if you’re really sick, unconscious, signs the graft ain’t taking, signs the transplant ain’t gonna be successful, the DNR sticks. Can they even do something like that?”
Brandon closed his eyes briefly and wet his lips. Then he shook his head, touching Merlin’s cheek, tracing his thumb across the corner of his lips. “You know what? I’m not going to quit on you. How about this?” He took his phone out of his pocket and brought up a document entitled Five Wishes and handed it to Merlin. “Before I go into hospital and we start the transplant process, we sit together and help me draw up a Five Wishes directive, giving you the power to make decisions for me if I can’t. I know we’re married but I also know that being who I am, I’m a commodity with no biological family and there could be a legal shit fight about who makes what decisions. This will spell it all out, no questions asked. No DNR. But if push comes to shove, I don’t want to be kept on prolonged life support. If they pull me back and I’m in a bad way and my doctors tell you that it’s game over on any life with quality, you let me go. And if there’s any part of me they can take for any sort of organ donation or medical research, let them. That’s all I want.”
Merlin took Brandon’s phone to see what he wanted to show him, a little frown of confusion on his face. “Just… I-I- ain’t… not answering. If I talk, I’m gonna c-cry,” he had to clarify, voice choked and catching on the words. He didn’t want to start bawling because this was one of the most important conversations they needed to have. He didn’t know what Five Wishes was. He had never heard of it before. But the only people he ever knew who had died were very elderly, so this sort of stuff was well out of his usual comfort zone. Fuck, did he understand Brandon’s wishes but that didn’t make it any easier to think about if the time came. Not talking to try to stop himself crying epically failed. By the time he got to reading the last of the document, he handed Brandon’s phone back and got out of the car because he had sudden converging urges to throw up, cry, scream, punch something, or run away until everything stopped being so painful.
He ran down onto the sand and clenched his fists at his sides, squeezing his eyes closed and bit down on his lower lip. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and then kicked off his shoes, plunging his toes into the warm sand. He put his hands on his hips and leaned over, trying to catch his breath. He felt Brandon’s hand on his back and he straightened up again, taking in another deep breath through his nose. “Hmmmokay,” he breathed, squinting in the sunlight. “Everything I read in that document is possibly the most comforting thing I’ve seen since I fell in love with you. Not for me… for you. I’ve been so scared if you start slipping away from me, I’ll never have the chance to be able to keep trying to hold on, even just for a bit longer. That someone’ll take it all away without putting you first. I just wanna have as much time left with you as I can. If they just… didn’t resuscitate you or even try, I’d always worry if you could’ve had a better chance.”
With a soft smile, Brandon held his phone up and hit play on Don't Give Up on Me by Andy Grammer, playing over the stereo in his car. He put the phone back in his pocket and took Merlin’s hand to pull him close. “There’s no one in the world I want to make decisions for me if I can’t more than you, okay? And any decision you need to make in that time, I trust you completely Want to let me dance with my husband? Life’s too short not to dance with your husband, baby. Dance with me until that need to cry fades again.” He gave Merlin a kiss.
A good half an hour later, they were back in the car on the short drive back to the beach house, Brandon driving this time because Merlin’s eyes had been puffy and stinging when they got back into the car. Which led to another twenty or so minutes making out. Merlin had his window down, hand out catching the sea breeze. He looked over at Brandon with a smile, head resting against the headrest. He reached over and massaged the nape of Brandon’s neck. “You’re incredible at this husband thing, you know.”
“Only a few days in and I’m nailing it? Sweet!” Brandon grinned. The Andy Grammer song was replaying on the stereo for the third time on repeat because Merlin said he loved it and he was always going to think of the relief he felt hearing about Five Wishes and that Brandon was okay shelving the DNR for something that gave them both some comfort. “Hell, if I’m incredible then you must be amazingly extraordinary.”
Merlin couldn’t help it if he was a hopeless romantic who worked with the King of Talking Through Lyrics. “No, I’m ordinary. I like being ordinary. If I wasn’t, you might not have fallen in love with me. I might’ve just blurred into the white noise of all the other non-ordinary people in your life. People think ordinary’s bad but it’s nice. You don’t have to keep living up to ordinary. I’ve always been happiest at middle ground. Except when it came to musical theatre. That shit was like crack to me once I started taking drama and music lessons. Before you jump on that, I’m still more than fine on my leave of absence. Because that shit was like crack until I got married and that pretty much trumped everything else in my life. Which means, I kind of wanna go straight to bed with you when we get back to the house and make love to you after all that emotion but you’re actually starting to look really tired, so I think you need a snooze before you get much worse and start puking again.”
Brandon pulled into their drive and hit the garage door control to open it. “I’m tired but I don’t feel like I’m about to crash or anything. Let’s get something to eat and relax for a little while. Hungry?” He shut the car off and pushed his sunglasses onto his head so he could see Merlin better and took his hand. “I’m proud of you for talking to me about the DNR, sweetheart. I know you and ordinary or not, your heart is so extraordinary, it’s out of this world. I know how hard it would’ve been for you to bring this up with me. You would’ve been really anxious I didn’t want to consider withdrawing it but you would’ve still respected my wishes anyway.”
“Definitely starving and definitely could eat. You wanna get a pizza or something?” Merlin pulled Brandon’s hand close to kiss his fingers and then undid both of their seatbelts so Brandon could get inside to rest for a little. “Actually, I was more anxious you would say you did wanna withdraw it.”
Brandon wasn’t expecting that answer. Getting out of the car, he tried to work out a little mental gymnastics on how Merlin was more anxious about him withdrawing the DNR than not. “I had another idea for an early dinner. Unless you really want pizza. You want to fill a dude with chemo brain in how that whole not keeping the DNR made you more worried thing?”
Merlin followed out of the car, coming around to the driver’s side to wrap his arms around Brandon’s waist, giving him a kiss. “Let’s do your idea because pizza ain’t really honeymoon material. Because I knew that I would have to step up to the husband plate and when your life is in my hands, that’s a scary thing. Terrifying, actually. And I don’t mean being your bone marrow donor because all I really need to do there is feel a bit yuck for a week on meds then let them stick needles in my bones under anesthetic. Which totally made Wes puke when I told him that, by the way. He has the worst needle phobia. What I mean is, I am so fucking in love with you and even if it was quick and we’re young, our marriage is sacred to me and so are you as my husband. Having a decision about your life in my hands is absolutely petrifying but I don’t think I’d know how to let anyone else make those choices and have to just be okay with them. I think that’s scarier. I won’t make any choices without help.”
“I know. I know you won’t be alone with any of this and that’s a huge peace of mind for me. Come on, I’ve got a surprise for you. I don’t want you to get upset again.” Brandon gave Merlin’s butt a squeeze and led him through the house to the back porch. He pointed down onto the sand where there was a little white linen tent set up with a cushy mattress with a blue and white striped blanket, piles of pillows, little lanterns and fairy lights draped over the top. Beside it was a large white picnic basket and an icebucket chilling a bottle. “Surprise! It’s days like this, I’m glad I have one of the best PAs in the world. She came and arranged all this for us, complete with all our favourite foods so we can just relax. Promised me she would be a ghost too, even though I reminded her we’re on our honeymoon, not in witness protection. She didn’t want to interfere with our romance. We need to get that girl a boyfriend.”
Merlin’s mouth dropped open and he took in the beautiful set up, breaking into a grin. “Oh my god! This is officially the most amazing first date ever. And really, how many people can say they got married before their first date? I just realised I don’t know what your favourite food is.” He bounced down to the little tent, crawling onto the cushy pile of blankets and pillows beneath it, reaching for the picnic basket. The first thing he pulled out was a bottle of vanilla Ensure. “I hope this is in case you can’t stomach food and is not literally your favourite food.”
Brandon followed him down to their cozy little date nest, still impressed by what Montana pulled off. Nothing was ever too much of a challenge for her and she had connections everywhere to get things done. He had a lot of heart-to-heart chats with her recently about whether she wanted to step away as his PA or stick with it and support him with his health issues and trying to keep his head above water. He was almost the recipient of a forceful bitchslap for being basic. She told him being his PA fully encompassed the ‘personal’ and she wasn’t just there for his work shit and she would rather jump off Brooklyn Bridge naked in the middle of winter than walk away from her job, especially when he needed her now more than ever. She had also formed a strong bond with Merlin and worked with him to make sure Brandon was taken care of the best he could be.
He flopped down beside Merlin on his back, head in Merlin’s lap, stretching and settle in with his feet out catching the warm rays of the sun. He couldn’t get too exposed to the sun because his chemo-dosed skin would fry to a crisp and blister painfully. He could be out in the sun shirtless for all of two minutes before it started to get painful. “This is comfortable as fuck.” He smiled up at Merlin, taking the Ensure off him. “The former. Ew, I’d need a head check if this was my favourite food. What else is in there?”
With one hand stroking Brandon’s hair, Merlin started pulling their food out of the giant basket. “Spag Bol! That’s it, I’m in heaven.” He lifted the corner of the plastic wrap to smell the tomato-y aroma. He took out the next bowl. “Potato mash and gravy? Wait, is this your favourite food?”
“Oh, hell, yes! I don’t even care if it makes me puke, bring it on. I didn’t know your favourite food was spaghetti bolognese. I had to grill Damien for a bit. Caramel cheesecake and mint chip ice cream are your favourite desserts.” Brandon pulled the wrap off the mashed potato and stuck his finger into it and put it in his mouth. “Mmmm, fuck. Solid food. Or semi-solid food. A dude can’t be too choosy right now. This and chicken nuggets.”
Just as Brandon said that, Merlin pulled out a box of McDonalds McNuggets, laughing. “For dipping? But please, feel free to keep sucking your finger like that. Or not. I keep forgetting I’m in skinny jeans. I don’t need a bruised dick.” He took out one of the nuggets, dipped it in the mashed potato and offered it to Brandon for a bite. “Pace yourself, darlin’, or you really will end up being sick and feeling crappy. You trying to find out my favourite foods off my brother is adorable, just for the record.”
“You could always just take them off. Private beach, remember?” Brandon took the nugget and had a bite. He closed his eyes when he realised he could taste some of it and it was glorious. He licked the gravy off his lips. “Oh my god, this is almost as good as sex. Only almost. Not as good as making love, though. Mmm… not sure I even care if it makes me puke, it’ll be worth it.”
Merlin lost interest in the food for a moment, smiling while he watched Brandon enjoy his food vice. Being a millionaire, people probably assumed he lived on lobster and caviar but he knew for a fact Brandon hated seafood just like Merlin did. It was cute as fuck to discover Brandon’s favourite food was something as simple as chicken nuggets and mashed potato. Soul food right there. Maybe that was exactly why it made sense. He lived a lavish and rich lifestyle but that didn’t mean he didn’t appreciate fun and simple things. He wasn’t a posh snob at all. Merlin came to learn as Brandon began to put his financial affairs in order to prepare for the possibility of his death that Brandon invested a lot of his earnings and bankrolled any profits from it into charity. After earning his initial fortune and spending up big, he never knew what else to spend cash on and got bored of it. He lived in luxury and didn’t deny that but he gave a lot back and money was in no way a priority now he was staring death in the face. He protected enough to get the best healthcare in the world but everything else, Merlin knew he could do without.
“I could take them off but then I’d have to ask you to move and I’m not sure I want that.” Merlin had a look what was chilling in the icebucket. “Non-alcoholic sparkling rosé. Did you pick this? Is this nice? Seriously, I’m not even legal drinking age yet, you’d think I’d have a better clue of non-alcoholic options than Coke or Dr Pepper.”
Brandon tipped his head back to see the bottle and laughed. “Oh, man. That’s my drink of choice when I don’t want to get shitfaced. Everyone thinks I’m this epic pink champagne snob because they think it’s what I drink at functions. It’s not. This is what I drink and people think it’s pink champagne. My life, the fucked up world of smoke and mirrors. I just did a lot of piggyback jobs on my schedule. Filming, function, table reads, press junket, filming, media circuit booking, night filming, charity luncheon. The sick and exhausted me doesn’t know how the well me kept it up so long. But I couldn’t do it getting shitfaced at events or I’d be a constant fucking walking hangover and probably dead by the time I was thirty. I mean, by means not cancer. Money covers so much shit in this world. I really think you need to lose the pants, Merlin Blake. Your dick will be a way more comfortable pillow than the fly on skinny jeans.”
Merlin popped the cork of the bottle, aiming it out of the tent so it didn’t hit the wall and bounce back to knock either of them in the face. There were crystal flutes sitting in the sand by the bucket and he poured them both some. Brandon was already moving onto his next chicken nugget, clearly in a happy place. He tasted the drink, not expecting to like it because he didn’t like rosé wine. “Sweet. Better cavities than drunk pictures leaving Chateau Marmont?” He paused before the glass reached his lips and grinned. “Wow, that’s the first time I’ve heard it out loud. I’d ask you to take them off for me but I wouldn’t wanna distract you from your nuggets while you’re actually ingest solid food without gagging. Sit up for a sec.”
Soon, they were both much more comfortable sans jeans and t-shirts and Merlin had a few more pillows behind him to rest against. Brandon’s head was back in his lap but he had distinctly slowed down on his food. “Don’t force yourself, darlin’. We can always reheat later.” He closed the box of nuggets and wiped Brandon’s fingers on a linen napkin for him.” He brushed the tips of his fingers over Brandon’s chest with one hand and his other was feathering through Brandon’s hair. He could see Brandon was barely managing to fight the fatigue of the day now so he didn’t try to keep the conversation going. The lull of the waves of the shore was soothing and they were both relaxed lying on the beach together.
Brandon’s eyes were closed and he was getting sleepy. He didn’t even realise he was dozing on and off, focusing on the feeling of Merlin playing with his hair. “Baby?” he mumurmed, patting Merlin’s hand on his chest.
“Hmm?” Merlin asked softly, smiling. He really thought Brandon had fallen asleep but apparently not quite. He had definitely been dozing on and off for a few minutes. Merlin had to take the glass out of his hand when he lost his grip on it and nearly spilled it over his shoulder.
“If they tell me I’m not going to make it, will you bring me back here? I want to be here, with you,” Brandon mumbled, not opening his eyes but managed to squeeze Merlin’s hand softly, waiting for the confirmation.
Before Merlin spoke, he had to swallow heavily through the emotion catching in his throat. But the request didn’t surprise him. Cape Cod was a peaceful place for Brandon, away from the whirlwind of his public life. He could relax and be himself here and now it was where they got married and were having their honeymoon. He leaned over and kissed Brandon’s forehead. “Of course I will, darlin’...”
LOG, COMPLETE