"Bad news like a sucker punch."

Dec. 12th, 2018 04:07 am
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[personal profile] strips4u
Who: Jett Levesque-Hunter and Brody Alexander | Flynn Hunter and Cole Carrington
What: Bearer of Bad News
Where: Hunter-Carrington Pad then onwards to Mount Sinai
When: After this

Flynn wasn't sure if there was a better way to let his kid know his boyfriend had been hurt at his dance comp the night before beyond just giving it to him straight. There didn't seem to be a way to cushion the blow and what he learned from watching his other friends with teenage kids was not to sugarcoat. From what he had seen from Mark and Justin, sugarcoating or outright delaying information could seriously piss a kid off. That was the last thing he wanted. Jett was already struggling, he didn't want to complicate that by trying to make his decisions for him. His boyfriend was hurt, he would want to know about it as soon as possible.

It would probably be a battle as it was. At the moment, he was having to wake Jett to do the most basic of tasks like eat, shower, or go to the bathroom. Jett's moms had been in town on a fleeting pre-Christmas visit for one of their birthday's. Besides going to a nearby cafe for lunch (where Jett fell asleep at the table), he spent the duration of their visit in various stages of sleepiness on the sofa. It was a write-off of a trip but Flynn understood how Brody might have taken it the wrong way.

Now things had turned to shit in a whole different way and he had to wake his son, no questions asked. He started by opening his blinds just a little to let some of the morning light in. Jett was nothing more than a lump of blankets in his bed. His mood would be potluck. Sometimes, Jett was lucid, other times he could be in a shit mood for being woken. Who could blame him? No one liked being woken when they were wiped out with fatigue or exhaustion. Flynn knew from his time recovering from cancer how awful fatigue was when it hit.

He sat on the edge of Jett's bed and softly ruffled the patch of curly head sticking out the top of the quilt. "Jett, you gotta wake up for me, kiddo. Brody's had an accident. He's in the hospital. C'mon, son... wake up for me. Try to resist the urge to bitchslap me."
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"Beyond the passion and fatigue."

Aug. 7th, 2018 02:56 am
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[personal profile] canadianheart
Who: Jett Levesque-Hunter, Flynn Hunter and Brody Alexander
What: Changing times
Where: Hunter Home, NYC
When: After this

Cole was at the tail-end of his dialysis when Flynn received a text from Hunter saying he was speaking to Brody, who had apparently rescued Jett from the carpark at the grocery store where he took ill. Hunter wanted to let Flynn know in case said teenagers were just teenagers who forgot/didn’t think to give the heads-up to their parent(s)/guardian(s). Hunter said it sounded like Jett had a bit of heatstroke, but his Chronic Fatigue was probably playing a part too.

The only thing that stopped Flynn rushing home as soon as he received the message was that Hunter said Brody was with Jett. He knew his kid’s friends were all fantastic kids, so he would be in good hands and could probably assume Brody would call him if there was anything seriously wrong. Cole was having a tough time, so Flynn wanted to stick with him and take him home. Even if that meant Cole was bitching him out about it, telling him to go to Jett. Once he got Cole home and deposited on the sofa where he promptly crashed out, Flynn went to check how Jett was holding up.

( He knocked on Jett’s bedroom door but there was no answer... )

LOG, COMPLETE
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"I'm hearing only bad news."

Jan. 9th, 2018 04:06 am
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[personal profile] strips4u
Who: Flynn Hunter and Jett Levesque-Hunter
What: Helpless
Where: Oncology Unit, Mount Sinai
When: After this

Flynn knew this hospital really well. Way too well, if he wanted to admit. He did his time here hooked up to chemo IVs and he had spent many a day sitting vigil at Cole’s bedside after his many ODs and suicide attempts. He had been here earlier in the day for Cole’s dialysis. To have to be here again because his kid’s boyfriend could potentially have cancer for a second time made him feel physically ill. But he was Jett’s dad. It was his job to keep his shit together so Jett didn’t have to. He figured the kid would trying to conceal this shit from him, but Flynn was as thick-skinned as they came. Just because he beat cancer himself in the past didn’t mean he was a precious fucking snowflake who couldn’t deal with someone else’s battle. Far, far fucking from it.

He stopped at a cafe to grab Jett a cup of whatever tea they said was supposed to be good and a muffin. He knew his kid well enough now to know that he didn’t eat when he was fatigued or emotional. Definitely wasn’t an emotional eater. Then again, neither was Flynn. A scotch and a cigarette was his choice of vice when things were going to shit. It was why he was puffing on a quick smoke on his way to the hospital and tossed the butt onto the pavement by the entrance, stubbing it out with his toe.

( It was still fucking cold as an Eskimo’s asshole but the snow had given up on the worst of its dumps this week... )

LOG, COMPLETE
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"We can learn to leave the past behind one day at a time."

Jan. 3rd, 2018 04:03 pm
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[personal profile] strips4u
Who: Flynn Hunter and Cole Carrington
What: Cards on the table
Where: Flynn & Jett's place
When: After this

It had been a long time since Flynn felt so much relief, that it was physically dizzying. But he did when he opened the door to find Euan there with Cole. Cole, who at least looked like he still had a pulse. He exhaled heavily, putting his hand on his chest. “Thank fuck you’re alive. I thought you’d gone and jumped off fucking Brooklyn Bridge or something. Look, I don’t care if you wanna fall off the fucking wagon and do a striptease to the whole fucking seventeen minutes of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida! Just don’t fucking run and give me a fucking heart attack. Fuck.” He rubbed his forehead, exhaling sharply. The only thing stopping him going to the bar and grabbing a bottle to chug from was that he had poured every last drop down the sink after Cole got pissed.

But Cole didn’t even have a chance to answer before Jett seemed to appear out of nowhere. “Hey, dude. Glad you’re okay, dad was fucking losing his shit. Can you take me to Zeke’s, Eu?” Jett hitched his backpack up on his shoulder, already brushing past his dad.

“Whoa, hang on. No you fucking don’t. You’ve been sick as a dog and I’m not letting you go out in this fucking freezing whether. Your moms will friggin murder me and your ass’ll be moved back to Canada quicker than you can say ‘frozen dick’.” Flynn pointed over his shoulder with his thumb, giving his kid a pointed look. “Back to bed until you shake that bloody fever.”

“Dad, I’ve gotta go. Zeke’s so pissed at me that I seriously think he’s going to split with me. He thinks I don’t listen to him or… something. I dunno exactly, but he’s shitted off. Shannon’s mom will make sure I’m good. Zeke’s been feeling shit anyway, so we’re not going to be moving much anyway. If I feel any worse than this, I’ll come right home,” Jett insisted.

Euan shrugged. “I can take ‘im if ya’ want, mate. No fuckin’ skin off m’nose.”

( Flynn sighed and scrunched his face up. He had a headache because he was still working on recovering from the Flu From Hell himself... )

LOG, COMPLETE
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"'Cause life is cynical despite your heart of gold."

Dec. 24th, 2017 09:32 pm
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[personal profile] burninginside
Who: Cole Carrington and Jett Levesque
What: Miscommunication
Where: Flynn & Jett's Place, NYC
When: After this

“Dad!”

Cole was chilling on the sofa scrolling through Netflix when he heard the front door open down the hall, closely followed by the call that sounded a little urgent. With Flynn crashed out in his room, Cole realised he had to at least let the Jett know his dad wasn’t feeling well and he had been in bed since early the evening before. As predicted, Jett had sent Flynn a text letting him know he was going to stay at his boyfriend’s place the night before. Flynn was up to get it because he kept waking up to be sick, but he relaxed once he knew Jett was sticking where he was and hoped he would feel better by the morning.

It didn’t happen. He was still feeling crap when he woke up, so Cole told him to go back to bed and try to sleep it off because he had been up so much during the night. That’s where he still was when Jett arrived home. Cole tossed the remote aside and got up to meet Jett at the door. As soon as he saw the kid, he could see he was sick too. He was holding himself up on the wall, trying to kick his shoes off but failing. He looked like he was going to topple over, so Cole bolted up to him to take his arm before he did. Jett gave him a WTF look but didn’t fight him. “Where’s Da--” was all he managed to get out before he threw up - a lot - all down the front of Cole’s shirt, across his arm and on both their feet. He was a pretty slender kid, but tall like Flynn. Cole had no idea how this much vomit could come out of him.

( He didn’t care, though... )

LOG, COMPLETE
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"Has it ever occurred to you that's what friends are for?"

Dec. 23rd, 2017 01:12 am
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[personal profile] strips4u
Who: Flynn Hunter and Cole Carrington
What: Beyond friends-with-benefits
Where: Flynn's place, NYC
When: Thursday evening

Flynn very rarely cancelled on a job, but he had no choice in the matter that evening when he nearly vomited on a client. She was one who liked to pay him more for ‘extras’ too, meaning she liked him to do certain things, or do others a certain way. But no matter how great he was in the sack that people (male, female, and queer) paid extensive amounts of money for his services, he was still human. Instead of catering to her love of ass play, he was bent over her toilet heaving his guts up. Thankfully, she was sympathetic and understanding, telling him to go home to bed and she would call in a few days to reschedule.

“Fuck, you look terrible, bud.”

Flynn had just finished another round with the toilet, flushing it and grabbing a face cloth to wipe his mouth. He saw Cole leaning against the bathroom doorframe via the mirror reflection. “You’re up,” he noted, coughing a little through the stinging in his throat. He turned the tap on and leaned over to drink directly from it, swirling some of it around his mouth to rinse it. “How are you feeling? Is there anything you need?”

( After seeing Cole at the wedding in Oz and catching up with all he had been through, they ended up in bed, fucking three times in a row when he discovered Cole was desperately in need of some intimate and sexual contact after his long stretch in a mental health facility... )

LOG, COMPLETE
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@ [community profile] muserevival | 135.2. Quote

Dec. 21st, 2016 02:01 pm
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[personal profile] strips4u
HERE @ [community profile] muserevival

"Startin' right now I'm startin' all over
Doin' what I should do
Should this be my last, or I've got a hundred years
From this day on I'm gonna live my life
Like I got one day left to live."
• One Day Left to Live, Sammy Kershaw

It was no secret that Flynn's life had nearly been taken by cancer. It was no secret that ever since then, his attitude had been living in the moment, because you were never guaranteed a tomorrow. Since going into remission, he had become a high profile, high class hooker and a self-made millionaire. However, not once in his plans did owning a nightclub factor in. The only reason that was currently on his book of assets was because he hadn't wanted Cole to lose everything when he crashed and burned, sinking beyond rock-bottom, and then some.

Cole had been one of Flynn's closest friends for a long time, but he was a severe addict. For awhile, owning the nightclub was like Disneyland for an addict. He could control drug deals right under his nose, and have his fingers in his pick of drug pies. The club was an incredible success, there was no doubt about that. But it had proven to be one of Cole's biggest downfalls when the addiction got so bad, he went bankrupt and nearly lost it. That was when Flynn had stepped up and purchased it, though he always only saw it as babysitting it until Cole got cleaned up and could take control of it again. The only question was, with Cole having severe PTSD from his time in them military, his suicide attempts had exacerbated. Not only was there no guarantee Cole would get clean, but there was no guarantee he would live.

( Still, Flynn did what he had to... )
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[ FACEBOOK ]

Jul. 1st, 2016 03:28 pm
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[personal profile] burninginside
Writes about angels because he is one. Might just be starting to remember what happy is supposed to be...

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"When you try to get peace of mind..."

May. 9th, 2016 06:32 pm
higherlove: (083)
[personal profile] higherlove
Who: Luka Zanardi and Cole Carrington
What: Company and recovery
Where: Beach, The Hamptons
When: Sunday afternoon

Luka had to admit he thought his idea would have as much success as pushing shit up a hill. Still, he didn't let that deter him. When he had heard Cole had recovered enough to be able to be discharged - but only if he had a secure and safe place to go and someone to take care of him - Luka put his hand up to volunteer straight away. Literally put his hand up. Then had to sheepishly put it down because he looked basic. Of course, Cole emphatically objected, but Luka gently reminded him that he actually had a huge home, most of which was empty. He also had a daily nurse who already visited to see to Iain through his cancer treatments. Iain was going great guns, he was just very tired a lot of the time and slept a lot of his days away. That was okay. When you were ill like that, you did exactly what you needed to do to take care of yourself.

And that was exactly what he knew Cole needed to. Not only was Luka's house huge, but it was tranquil and could bring Cole some peace. The only concern was that it was right on the beach where Cole had tried to take his life. But when confronted with that, Cole said he thought it might actually help. Soon, he relented, and agreed to come stay with Luka for a little while. Luka promised they would have a nice time; it would be just like being on vacation. However, he had been wondering some things lately. Seeing Nick settle with Cheyne in what was clearly a beautiful relationship, and even seeing Matteo connect to Oakley (even if Luka had a threesome with both of them on the tour), he had been wondering if it was time for him to think about finding someone to settle with too.

In fact, he was wondering if he maybe already found it. But the situation was so complex, he was scared to think on it or begin to analyse it. He had pushed it aside, and instead focused on getting Cole discharged. Now, though, he had a laid out a picnic on the beach just outside his house and he was leading Cole out to it. He gestured to everything with a smile, carefully making sure Cole was steady on his feet holding his arm. "Well, what do you think? I heard you tell one of the nurses you didn't have any allergies to food things. You don't have to eat any of it, I just thought we could chill. You can get a feel of how peaceful it is out here."
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[ FACEBOOK ]

Mar. 25th, 2016 12:46 am
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"It's been awhile since I could say that I wasn't addicted."

Mar. 11th, 2016 12:08 am
burninginside: (200)
[personal profile] burninginside
Who: Cole Carrington and Sawyer Bennett
What: Group Therapy
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: Friday morning

Cole had been transferred back to the Addiction Unit at Mount Sinai for ongoing intensive therapy. This was a better place for him to be because his main therapists were here, and they also had an incredibly amazing program for survivors of PTSD. Ultimately, beyond all of Cole's issues, PTSD was what caused them. It was his biggest an most powerful demon, and one he still hadn't managed to conquer. On the recommendation of his therapist, Cole was attending a PTSD group session, though he was there in body but not mind. He was still being sedated to sleep. No natural sleep came to him. He had been self-medicating for so long and writing himself off that his body didn't know how to sleep on its own anymore. Without the aid of sleeping medication, he would just be awake constantly. Unaided sleep meant the nightmares with the flashbacks would come. They were trying to prevent that, not cause more.

That meant at this earlier hour of the day, he just wasn't really awake. He wasn't listening. He was just putting in the time because it was part of his treatment regime. He spent the entirety of the session with his head propped up against the IV pole he had a hold of. Engaging with therapy wasn't easy. In fact, it was beyond an uphill battle for him. He wanted to die. That hadn't really changed. He just now had someone who had given him the tiniest glimmer of light. More light than he had seen in a long time.

Then the session was over and Cole checked his watch. That hadn't felt like an hour. He had probably literally fallen asleep without realising it. For some reason, the therapist running the group that week had this monotone voice. Maybe it was just a gentle tone, but it had melted all in together to Cole's drowsy brain. It didn't matter anyway. He had heard all this shit before. Now he just needed to wait on the nurse to take him back to his room. This time, there was no Luka there to kindly return with him and stay for a talk.
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"Always hate me."

Feb. 18th, 2016 10:35 pm
burninginside: (110)
[personal profile] burninginside
Who: Cole Carrington and Luka Zanardi
What: Gratitude is the memory of the heart
Where: Chemical Dependency Crisis/Detoxification Unit
When: Following THIS

Cole hadn't said a word throughout the whole group therapy session. He had sat there slumped in the chair, looking at his feet the whole time and not making eye contact with anyone. Possibly the most surprising thing about that was that the group sessions weren't compulsive in crisis intervention patients like he was and they weren't compulsory in this particular unit with people also being treated for mental health issues. He was here for medical treatment, not rehabilitation. It was a whole different level of intervention. But the option was there and he had taken it, and he had also asked Luka to come along. They would be flexible with Luka visiting if Cole had him listed as a guest for the group therapy sessions. Hopefully he would be able to find it in him to talk to the guy and apologise like he wanted to.

He just wouldn't be pushed in these early stages. He would be referred for more therapy sessions once his health stabilised. An already psychologically-traumatised person wouldn't be forced into anything that made them worse. Sometimes therapy could for Cole if he wasn't prepared to face it. Sometimes it worked. It was just impossible to pre-empt his days right now. He had to take the hours as they came.

The session was over, and Luka kindly offered to help him back to his room. Cole was able to walk, of course, but he was physically weakened so they wanted him transported around the hospital in a wheelchair for the time being. That included just to the other side of the unit for the therapy session. It was Luka who had wheeled him back, promising the nurse he was fine to do it. Then Cole's doctor wanted to have a chat to him, so Luka excused himself and said he would come back in a little while.

Cole realised he hadn't been expecting the guy to return at all until Luka was suddenly back and carrying a couple of hot beverages in a cup tray. He had still been sitting in the wheelchair, staring out the window. He had told the doctor he didn't want to get back into bed yet. Being in bed made him feel like an invalid, though he was beginning to wish he had because it was zapping his energy trying to get up and into bed himself. To the point he started to feel ill again, still going through the motions of the detox that seemed to take longer these days. Seeing Luka, Cole's eyes slipped closed and he gave a small shake of his head where he had been leaning on the side of the bed. "I'm sorry, I need to lie down. I'm not feeling so hot."
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@ [community profile] muserevival | 116.1. Lyrics

Feb. 17th, 2016 10:45 am
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[personal profile] burninginside
HERE @ [community profile] muserevival

"Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?"
• Maybe, Sick Puppies

Cole had never done well in these group therapy sessions. Not at all because he believed he was immune to their therapeutic benefits; he knew they had their purpose. But because he was cognitively impaired these days with sensory processing issues. Too many people around him was overwhelming. The heavy substance abuse had left him damaged. He was never going to fully recover anymore. Most days, he didn’t want to recover, he just wanted to erase himself from existence. He had effectively been told he was ‘brain damaged’ because of the drugs, however it was clarified there were many levels of damage a brain could suffer and he was on the lower-level of the scale. There was hope, there was help, there was support. But the drugs had caused permanent damage to the blood vessels in his brain. That was the news that caused him to spiral out of control and try to take his own life. Again.

( On top of all that, he had high blood pressure, severe clinical depression, cognitive impairment, memory issues, sexual issues, and impaired kidney function. If you only you could quit drugs, detox, do a stint in rehab and be miraculously cured of a severe drug habit... )
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@ [community profile] muserevival | 116.1. Lyrics

Feb. 14th, 2016 10:59 pm
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[personal profile] higherlove
HERE @ [community profile] muserevival

"You cast a spell on me, spell on me
You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me
And I decided you look well on me, well on me
So let's go somewhere no one else can see, you and me."
• Glad You Came, The Wanted

Luka knew Valentine's Day was what you made it. You didn't have to be in a relationship to recognise it as special. Luka was the sort who got Valentine's cards and gifts for his moms, and also his best friends. Why the hell not? It was your life. You made your own rules. As miserable, cynical and bitter some people could be about the day, bottom line was, they were miserable, cynical and bitter, and Luka would rather be content and happy than any of those. If that meant making his moms smile because he sent them roses and cute Valentine's cards for for the day, and if it meant it made them laugh when he sent them one from 'The dog', their beloved pet, even better.

( He did recognise that it had the ability to make some people feel lonely. If you took it for the bare bones black and white meaning, that is... )
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"Find a way to reconcile the dark."

Jan. 31st, 2016 10:05 pm
higherlove: (058)
[personal profile] higherlove
Who: Luka Zanardi, Euan Fitzpatrick and Clint Chevalier
What: "A hardass Irish cop will turn up at any moment..."
Where: Southampton Hospital, NY
When: Day after THIS

Luka was beginning to feel like his eyes were going to fall out of his head by this point. He hadn't been home. Iain brought him some clothes to change and he took a shower here at the hospital. He was determined to wait for someone to show up to help Cole, but he was starting to wonder if anyone even cared about him. And that made him angry. How could you just not care about someone who was in so much mess, so much need for love and support? Though, there was probably a whole lot more to the story than the piecemeal bits Cole had shared. Maybe he destroyed all links to everyone and no one had the strength to handle it anymore?

But Cole had also said a hardass Irish cop would show up, so when two guys in suits turned up at the nurses' station that Luka spotted from where he was sitting in Cole's room, he scrambled out of the seat and went out to see if one of them was this Irish guy. They definitely could both pass the 'hardass' tag, that's for sure. Luka, in comparison, looked like a choir boy. The only problem was that since his initial conversation with Cole, Cole had done a complete about-face when detox had kicked in and was refusing to 1) see said hardass Irish cop, 2) see anyone, and 3) go back to New York.

After a moment, the nurse was gesturing to Luka standing just outside of Cole's room. "This is Luka Zanardi. He pulled Mr Carrington from the water and administered CPR until the paramedics arrived," she was explained, and suddenly Luka felt like he was getting the epic stare-down from both these guys, and it was absolutely 100% terrifying.
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"It might as well rain until September."

Jan. 30th, 2016 08:45 pm
higherlove: (039)
[personal profile] higherlove
Who: Luka Zanardi and Cole Carrington
What: Strange faces
Where: Southampton Hospital, NY
When: Day after THIS

Luka was still feeling a little numb from shock over what happened. He had managed to stop the guy from dying, but no one would tell him anything of his condition because he couldn't prove he was family. Besides the fact he actually wasn't family, no one knew who the guy was to know who his family was. It was the worst catch-22 imaginable. He had to have family or friends out there wondering where he was. Or maybe he didn't, and that was why he had tried to take his own life in the first place.

The police had been discussing the situation with him. He had to confirm no one harmed the guy, and Luka said he definitely didn't see anyone with him on the beach. Even though self-harm was evident with the cuts to his wrists, the guy had no wallet or ID information on him. He didn't have a phone, they hadn't been able to trace any abandoned cars left nearby. In fact, the guys feet had been covered in blistered and raw skin, which was making the cops thing he walked here from some distance. There were other things, but confidential. The medical staff looked concerned and so did the cops. They had assured Luka they would do what they could to try to find out who this 'John Doe' was. That was fucking heavy stuff. It was like a movie, but that was legitimately what they called people who had no identification.

Luka talked the hospital staff into letting him stay. If the guy had no one else on the face of the earth, Luka wasn't just going to piss off and forget about him. How could he forget? He wouldn't forget what happened yesterday morning for the rest of his life. He was shaken to his core and had managed to come down with a flu from getting in the freezing ocean to pull the guy out and it had started raining on them all while the drama was happening. Even still, he was staying. The guy had swallowed a lot of water and once he had started to cough it up on the beach, he started to breathe again. The paramedics still had to work on him for some time before he was stable enough to be carted off in the ambulance.

They said they had to be careful with someone who nearly drowned of 'dry drowning' within twenty-four hours. He had been in a pretty bad way for quite a few hours. It was almost twenty-four hours after the event before the nurses let Luka go and sit with him. Both wrists had been repaired and were heavily bandaged now, as were his feet from dressings. He looked terrible, and Luka really had to wonder what the guy had been through to push him over the edge like that. There had been clear intent to kill himself. The cops said this wasn't a cry for help. The location where hardly anyone was around, the wrists, the fact he had drugs and alcohol in his system, going into the water fully clothed. He had no intentions of coming out.

And when he was waking up, looking completely groggy and disoriented, Luka had no idea what he should say. "Hey, my name's Luka. You're in the hospital. Try not to panic."
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[ FACEBOOK ]

Jan. 30th, 2016 03:05 pm
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[personal profile] lovesguinness
Has ANYONE fucking seen Cole?
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@ [community profile] muserevival | 114.6. Picture Prompt

Jan. 30th, 2016 02:20 pm
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[personal profile] higherlove
HERE @ [community profile] muserevival

Paramedic

On his days off, Luka liked to get up and watch the sunrise over the beach from his bedroom balcony. He was one of those lucky people in life who had found success and could afford a luxury like a beach house in the Hamptons. So, why not make the most of it as much as he could? He didn't take his wealth for granted. He was so grateful he could live here in a place that brought him a lot of peace and had proven to be an inspiration many times over. Some of his best writing was done sitting out on the sand of this very beach.

( That morning was different... )
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@ [community profile] muserevival | 114.7. Misc/Random

Jan. 30th, 2016 12:55 am
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[personal profile] lovesguinness
HERE @ [community profile] muserevival

"A friend will be a friend in times of all kinds."

Euan had known Cole's post on Facebook wasn't a good sign. It was also not a good sign when you were someone's NA sponsor and you didn't hear from them. The message on Facebook to Cole went unanswered, and so did the string of text messages Euan tried to send him soon after. Phone calls went straight to voicemail, despite ringing a few times in a row. Sometimes people might just pick up to tell you to fuck off and stop ringing. Sometimes a 'fuck off' was better than nothing at all... especially from someone who had history of substance addiction, depression, and suicide attempts.

( Even if it was early as fuck and still dark outside, Euan grabbed his keys and headed into the city to Cole's place... )
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[ FACEBOOK ]

Jan. 29th, 2016 04:36 pm
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[personal profile] burninginside
Do you ever just wake up feeling so fucking lonely? Do you ever just wake up and feel like life is too hard? Do you ever wake up and wish you knew how to stop it? Do you ever wake up and wonder what you did to deserve it all? Do you ever wake up and wish you had things other people all seemed to have? Do you ever wake up and wish you were never born?
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@ [community profile] musebysentence | 179.1. Worry

Oct. 14th, 2015 11:02 am
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"Help me make it through the night."

Oct. 8th, 2015 07:25 pm
burninginside: (168)
[personal profile] burninginside
Who: Cole Carrington and Justin Campbell
What: Help in unexpected places
Where: Broadway, NYC
When: Thursday morning

It had been Presley who came up with the incredible idea that maybe Cole could help Justin... and vice versa. Of course, Cole had been skeptical. Cynical, even. Though, only right at the start when Presley told him to just shut up for a few minutes while he explained. Somehow, by some miracle, Emilio had brought Cole back into his life that he had picked up the pieces of with Presley. Presley wanted to help, but at the same time, he knew how hard the fight with addiction was. He also knew how hard the fight with mental illness was. It was through that which he made the suggestion that maybe Cole and Justin could help each other.

Cole just didn't want to fuck the poor kid up anymore than he already was. But Presley pointed out that if Justin didn't want to do it, he wouldn't. Apparently Justin was a pretty smart kid when he was well. When he wasn't, he lost a lot of functioning and it made him felt like he was trapped in a constant shitstorm he couldn't get out of. That was when Presley had pointedly asked if that was a feeling Cole was familiar with it all. Everyone knew the answer to that.

What it boiled down to was that Cole was intimidated. He was intimidated of trying to 'help' a damaged kid when he couldn't help himself. Though, it was Emilio who pointed out to him that he could probably learn a lot from Justin. He had been through the same level of pain as Cole had, and he was a Tony Award winning Broadway superstar and charitable ambassador... What was Cole?

Cole was a fucking loser. Which was he didn't want to keep living. That was his excuse until Presley told Cole how many times Justin had tried to suicide. Which is where Cole was speechless and just sat there, dumbfounded, that a kid could be that miserable when, on the face of it, he had the world at his feet. That was why Cole was here, having just perched on the armrest of one of the seats in the audience. Justin was up at the microphone, but he wasn't singing. He was just standing there, hands wrapped around the microphone with his head resting down against it. Some sort of backing track was playing, but nothing was happening.

"You okay, kid?" he finally asked. Cole might be a fucking loser who had literally lost everything, but he still had a heart. If he didn't, he probably wouldn't have the all the pain he tried to actively drown in booze and drugs.
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Oct. 8th, 2015 07:29 pm
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"Love is a battlefield."

Jul. 25th, 2015 09:30 pm
moneyfornothing: (036)
[personal profile] moneyfornothing
Who: Presley Monroe and Cole Carrington
What: Surrogate caretaker
Where: Addiction Unit, Mount Sinai
When: Saturday morning

Presley stood there quietly with his arms crossed loosely over his chest as the nurse who had been pushing Cole in a wheelchair to this tiny little courtyard with glass walls all around it. She set the brakes on the chair and then went back over to the door they came through, and headed back inside to the unit. When she did, the door was closed behind her and secured with a lock that could only be opened with a staff swipe card that neither Presley nor Cole had in their possession not being employees.

Presley knew this routine all-too-well, having lived it many times with his mother. Not in the addiction unit, but in the mental health facilities. They had these little areas patients could be 'outside' to break the monotony, but it was really just a highly secure fish bowl with no roof. There was no way to top yourself here, or escape to top yourself somewhere else. There were some plants and some benches, and there was an easily accessible panic button in case anything went wrong and they needed urgent assistance.

Cole was in a bathrobe, in the midst of some pretty severe DTs, it looked like. He looked like death warmed up, and the nurse had tucked a hospital blanket in over his legs so he wouldn't get chilled, even if it was a gorgeous summer day outside. Once they were alone, Presley sat down on one of the benches near Cole and cleared his throat. "We don't have to talk. Emilio just hoped I might come see how you were today, seeing as he can't. May as well kill two birds with one stone and get you soe fresh air."
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[ TEXT MESSAGE ] To Destina @ [personal profile] laluchadora

Jul. 18th, 2015 09:46 pm
arrecho: (158)
[personal profile] arrecho
I don't know if you want to know, or care, but Cole tried to kill himself. He's in the hospital.
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"Someone told me long ago there's a calm before the storm."

Jul. 18th, 2015 12:56 am
moneyfornothing: (016)
[personal profile] moneyfornothing
Who: Presley Monroe, Emilio Alvarez and Cole Carrington
What: Spanner in the works?
Where: Mount Sinai, New York City
When: Friday morning

Jetlag was a bitch at the best of times, but jetlag when you couldn't get sleep was even worse. Generally, Presley wasn't the nicest of people when he didn't get plenty of sleep. He liked his sleep, that was no secret. It was probably part of why he and Tristan were so close these days. When they hung out, it wasn't partying until all hours of the morning or dancing up a storm in a different gay bar every night. It as chilling out, relaxing, and plenty of snoozing. Much of what he had planned for recovering from his whirlwind trip to Australia with Emilio.

It just wasn't meant to be. His driver had dropped Emilio off at his place after the airport. Emilio was going to unpack, take a shower, and then catch a cab over to Presley's so they could sleep the jetlag off together. As soon as Presley had shed the clothes he had flown the long journey in, taken a quick shower, and climbed into his own glorious bed to wait for Emilio, the phone had started calling. It was Emilio, and he needed Presley to get his shit together to help him urgently.

That was what had them riding the elevator up a few floors at Mount Sinai. Presley had his arm around Emilio and gave his upper arm a soft rub. "You okay, sweetheart?" he asked, because Emilio really had said much at all. In fact, lacking sleep, exhausted from the long-haul flight, Emilio seemed to be struggling with his eyesight more than he had in recent days. It was why Presley was holding on to him to basically guide him so he didn't trip or bump into anything. Emilio could still see. It wasn't the same as when they first met when he had no vision at all, but he had sunglasses on because the lights were bright and he was feeling his way before taking slow steps. Presley wished he could just take him home to bed, but at the same time, shit had gotten real and he knew that wasn't going to happen.
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Jul. 15th, 2015 01:45 pm
burninginside: (071)
[personal profile] burninginside
You don't realise how shit life is and how much you've truly fucked up until you get sick and you're completely alone.
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Jul. 3rd, 2015 02:27 pm
burninginside: (006)
[personal profile] burninginside
I don't know what's worse... the detox, or the part when it's over and you realise how fucking much you destroyed being an addict.
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"Shot through the heart, and you're to blame."

Jun. 19th, 2015 08:33 pm
arrecho: (012)
[personal profile] arrecho
Who: Emilio Alvarez and Cole Carrington
What: "Darlin', you give love a bad name."
Where: Rehab Facility, Massachusetts
When: Following THIS

Emilio hadn't been able to rationalise why he was that he needed to go visit Cole in rehab. There was a lot of confusion and emotion surrounding the whole thing. At first, a lot of it had been him thinking he needed the ultimately closure from Cole to be able to pave the way for things to move to the next level with Presley. On the long drive to Massachusetts, he had a lot of time to think. He realised that it was more a fact he was scared Cole would actually destroy himself this time. Emilio felt he had some responsibility in how everything had eventuated. He also hadn't spoken to anyone about how he was feeling hearing Cole had reached breaking point, ending up back in rehab. Not through lack of his family trying. He just didn't want to discuss it.

Reluctantly, he let Destina drive him upstate instead of getting the train, but he didn't say a word the whole way. He just sat there with his headphones in listening to music. He had no interest in conversation. It wasn't his fault he'd had a terrible car accident that left him vision-impaired. He knew that. But the situation as it stood was what caused his relationship with Cole to crash and burn. He also wasn't responsible for Cole's drug and alcohol addiction, but they had been starting to work through it and it was working before the accident. After it, Emilio just didn't have the strength to shoulder adjusting to his own disability and physical rehabilitation. He had needed Cole's support, and Cole tried his best. He just wasn't strong enough either to continue to fight the addiction. It ended worse than Emilio could've expected.

Now here he was, and the rehab nurse was kind in taking his arm and leading him into Cole's room to where he was on the bed. Of course, this was only after he had been patted down and interrogated at reception in case he had been bringing any sort of addictive substance into Cole. Then they were left alone and Emilio sat down stiffly on the edge of the bed. He could feel how Cole was shaking because it was vibrating through the mattress. "We need to talk, and you're your most honest when you're detoxing. There's nothing to hide behind. But you lay a hand on me, and I will fucking slam your head into a wall."
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Jun. 18th, 2015 09:24 pm
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Jun. 16th, 2015 11:00 am
laluchadora: (070)
[personal profile] laluchadora
There is nothing on earth that hurts more than watching the people you love most suffer through hell on earth.
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@ [community profile] muserevival | 093.1. Muse Prompt (Lyrics)

Jun. 16th, 2015 10:36 pm
burninginside: (038)
[personal profile] burninginside
HERE @ muserevival

"Am I out of luck?
Am I waiting to break?
When I keep saying that I'm looking for a way to escape
Oh, I'm wishing I had what I'd taken for granted
I can't help you when I'm only gonna do you wrong
Oh, I'm going to mess this up
Oh, this is just my luck
Over and over and over again."
• Shots, Imagine Dragons

Cole had sworn that he never wanted to be in this hell hole again. He had been so fucking sure that once would be enough for him to learn his lesson. But of course, he had to fuck up all over again and he was now lying in the fetal position on the uncomfortable bed, sweating, shaking, nauseated, wishing his own death. The DTs had set in. He felt like he was about to lose his mind.

Addiction was a tragic thing. Horrific, even. The thing about the human mind was that memory of pain can be skewed as time goes on. It doesn’t go away, but you begin to see it differently. You forget the clarity of how it hit hard at the time. Which is why addiction can get its clutches back into you, just when you think you’ve conquered it. Cole was doubting whether he had the ability to conquer anything. He felt like such a fuck-up, that he had been entertaining thoughts of just ending himself before he was told in a no-nonsense way by a friend that he had to go back to rehab, or the friendship was done for. He couldn’t handle losing anyone else, so deleting himself from existence seemed like the best option. The selfish coward’s option, sure. But he wasn’t disputing that was exactly what he was.

( That was a common theme in Cole’s life lately... )
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@ [community profile] wayswithwords

Apr. 11th, 2014 12:59 pm
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@ [community profile] muserevival // Quote of the Day 062.

Mar. 30th, 2014 12:26 pm
burninginside: (006)
[personal profile] burninginside
HERE @ muserevival

“The moment when you can actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing or hearing something that breaks your heart.”
- Mahmoud El Hallab

Cole could honestly say that this time, he was getting a little more progress with his stay in the Addiction Unit. It was intense, but more medically focused to treat him physically with a side order of continual psychotherapy and medication regime. With appropriate medication, he was coping better with the therapy. It wasn't just a matter of throwing a few antidepressants and antianxiety meds at him and hoping they worked to cockblock is mind into knee-jerking him in all the wrong directions. It was being closely monitored, side effects being controlled conservatively, and it meant he was coping a lot better with the things he was - again - being dragged through in therapy.

( But it was still really hard. Of course it was... )
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@ [community profile] wayswithwords

Mar. 14th, 2014 04:32 pm
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@ [community profile] muserevival || Quote of the Day 052.

Mar. 5th, 2014 02:37 pm
burninginside: (046)
[personal profile] burninginside
HERE @ muserevival

“Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart's desire; the other is to get it.”
- George Bernard Shaw

The nightmares were bad enough, but the nightmares that had flashbacks that wouldn’t switch off once you were awake were the worst. He hadn’t been sleeping much at all since he heard of Emilio’s accident. He had been getting sleep in rehab with the aid of low dose controlled sedatives, but he was scared to have any medication in his control right now. Said control was only barely in his grasp and it was taking all his energy and willpower to hold onto it, hoping that it would slowly get better over time. That, along with the constant nauseating worry inside that Emilio would never recover from this accident, his brain had very little room for much else.

( There has been checking into the outpatient rehab program at the hospital, though... )
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@ [community profile] muserevival || Quote of the Day 049.

Feb. 27th, 2014 12:29 pm
burninginside: (055)
[personal profile] burninginside
HERE @ musereival

“Courage is like love; it must have hope for nourishment.”
- Napoleon Bonaparte

I’ve been wondering lately how my life would have been if I hadn’t enlisted, if I hadn’t met Brendan, if I hadn’t watched him be slaughtered in front of me, if I didn’t end up with PTSD. It’s impossible to know, and it’s probably not a healthy mindset to end up in, but it’s where your brain goes when you have no answers to the big ‘WHY?’ hanging over your head.

I’m not sure how I was supposed to feel when I finally saw Emilio for the first time since his awful accident. I had lulled myself into a very false sense of security that ICU policy meant I wouldn’t be allowed in to see him. I became a bench warmer of various waiting areas within shouting distance of the ICU and I ingested far too much hospital vending machine coffee to be healthy. Though, after all the shit I’ve ingested prior to that, my insides probably weren’t all that surprised.

( Then Des pulled her connection strings, and the next thing I knew a nurse was fetching me from one of the benches in the hall where I had been staring at the surface of a tepid cup of coffee lost in thought... )
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@ [community profile] musebysentence || 137.2. Hand

Feb. 27th, 2014 12:52 am
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Feb. 24th, 2014 09:55 pm
burninginside: (006)
[personal profile] burninginside
Driving myself crazy looking through Emilio's portfolio. I don't deserve him. Why did this have to happen to such a beautiful person?

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@ [community profile] muserevival || 057.4. Ten Things

Feb. 24th, 2014 09:12 pm
burninginside: (098)
[personal profile] burninginside
HERE @ muserevival

Ten things you worry about

1. My son
2. Staying clean
3. Staying sober
4. Cravings
5. Staying clean & sober
6. If I can figure love out
7. If I can be someone to love
8. Giving into the cravings
9. Falling off the wagon
10. That I'm less than my partner deserves
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@ [community profile] muserevival || 056.5. Misc prompt

Feb. 19th, 2014 12:09 pm
lovesguinness: (187)
[personal profile] lovesguinness
HERE @ muserevival

"For some moments in life there are no words." - David Seltzer

Life was hectic right now, but nothing would cockblock Euan being there for the people he cared about. He got the call from Flynn telling him that Cole just wasn't dealing very well and Euan knew first hand that sometimes for a recovering drug addict, just having someone there who got the fight it could be through times of added stress could be the fine line between making or breaking on the inevitable cravings. Cole was just out of rehab, and premature to his scheduled time there. He had even been contemplating another month, possibly two, but he wouldn't have been any use to the treatment there in the wake of the terrible news he got. He was better here near Emilio to have the constant updates on how he was. Unfortunately, out here and not in rehab, he had the freedom of access to everything that got him fucked up in the first place.

( Euan would help anyone he cared about who needed it, if he was in a position to be able to take it on board himself. Which wasn't always the case because as much as he sometimes wished he didn't, he had a lot of heavy baggage himself... )

Euan Fitzpatrick (Original Character)
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@ [community profile] muserevival | Quote of the Day 048.

Feb. 17th, 2014 09:10 pm
burninginside: (055)
[personal profile] burninginside
HERE @ muserevival

“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves - at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others - at what they did or did not do.”
- Peter McWilliams

It's been around 62 hours since Flynn showed up at the rehab place and told me Emilio had been in a terrible car crash. I didn't handle it well, but who would? It's all a bit of a blur now, and it has been a lot of sitting in hospital waiting rooms on news, and knowing I'm not family, so I'm not allowed in to see him. He's in that bad of a condition. "Critical but stable" was the last update. I can't see him, but I'm still waiting anyway. It was hearing why the accident even happened that made it really feel like my world was crumbling underneath me... again.

One tool they encouraged in rehab was to write things down. The whole congested thoughts taking wrong turns in your mind and make it like rush hour traffic. Remove some of the congestion, though, then the lanes run more smoothly. They liked their analogies in there, and I'm glad they did, because a lot of the time, pitting my own experience to psychological theory was damn near impossible and especially when you were doubting the effectiveness of the assistance already.

( It was a driver under the influence of drugs and alcohol that caused Emilio's crash... )
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@ [community profile] musebysentence || 136.10. Problem

Feb. 17th, 2014 09:01 pm
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@ [community profile] wayswithwords

Feb. 15th, 2014 12:18 pm
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@ [community profile] muserevival | 056.5. Misc prompt

Feb. 14th, 2014 10:33 pm
burninginside: (026)
[personal profile] burninginside
HERE @ muserevival

"For some moments in life there are no words." - David Seltzer

It had only been about half an hour since a knock came to the door of Cole's private a room in the rehab clinic and one of the staff handed him a massive bunch of roses which had been delivered to him. He had questioned whether it was a mistake, even, because it was the last thing in the world he would have expected. Or the second last thing, as he would discover within the next hour of his life.

( He had just gotten out of the shower, only just having pulled on his jeans and sweatshirt to get ready for the appointment with his case worker when they arrived... )
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@ [community profile] muserevival || 056.5. Misc prompt

Feb. 13th, 2014 10:34 pm
arrecho: (016)
[personal profile] arrecho
HERE @ muserevival

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself." - Jean Anouilh

It was late, and felt even more late considering Emilio's day started at 4am that morning to be at a 6.30am photoshoot in Ocean Grove, New Jersey. His life had been crazy with everything going on lately, and in the wake of a catwalk gig for Fashion Week, he was exhausted and looking forward to a few days off. He wanted to just get home, take a hot shower, and crash in bed where there would definitely be no alarm set for the following morning. He needed to get some rest so he didn't burn out, and he knew things were just that little more harder on the get-up-and-go with his mind almost constantly being on Cole since he had visited him in Connecticut earlier in the week.

( That had been one hell of an emotional battle for both of them... )
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@ [community profile] muserevival || 135.9. Pillow

Feb. 10th, 2014 07:20 pm
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@ [community profile] musebysentence | 135.10. Fragile

Feb. 10th, 2014 02:33 pm
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@ [community profile] muserevival | Word of the Day 045.

Feb. 10th, 2014 12:40 am
arrecho: (033)
[personal profile] arrecho
HERE @ muserevival

Ruminate
v. 1. To think deeply about something.

Emilio had hardly slept the night before, so whilst he was usually more of a fan of warmer weather than cold, he invited the chill today with the cool air coming in through the window he had cracked to help clear his mind. A phone call had come yesterday from Cole's rehab case worker and invited him to come along to a 'family day', or the more clinical name being 'Family Psychoeducational Workshop'. Honestly, he had no idea what that even meant, but he had accepted before even asking for more information. His conscience did make him point out to the worker that he wasn't really Cole's family, but it felt really nice to be reassured that partners are included if the client requested it.

( Cole had requested it... )
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@ [community profile] muserevival | 055.2. Private diary

Feb. 8th, 2014 12:56 am
burninginside: (014)
[personal profile] burninginside
HERE @ muserevival

"I found the reason for me to change who I used to be." - The Reason, Hoobastank

I don't feel like a father. I'm not sure I ever really have. I know I certainly haven't fought to figure it out. Today was one of those worse days they warn you might come. Sort of like the other even-keel days are the calm before the storm. The cravings have been unbearable and I was feeling physically sick during the night right into today. I didn't even want to bother getting out of bed. I did, though. It felt like a mean feat to achieve, but I did. Can't say I looked any level of presentable, however. But there are no airs and graces in this place.

( It wasn't a group therapy day today. Private sessions only... )
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