dreamlikenewyork | "Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

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"Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

Who: Kade King and Alec Campbell
What: Shitstorm of Family Matters
Where: Sydney, AU
When: After this

Kade poured the bottle of chilled spring water from he mini bar fridge into a glass. He set it down on the nightstand by the sprawling king sized bed and collected the stainless steel bin from the bathroom, bringing it through and placing it on the floor by the bed with a mumbled sigh of, "Don't know what the fuck I'm even doing..."

Against his better judgement and the practical little voice in his head telling him not to, once Alec finished barfing up everything he had eaten in a week in hospital carpark, Kade suggested to Alec they fork out for a room in the hotel nextdoor to the hospital so Alec could lie down and try to sleep off the hangover for a couple of hours so he could get his head back in the game for his family. Kade planned to just leave him there in his own misery but both Sam and Ava's pointed words to both of them to sort their shit out was swirling around his head. Plus, no matter how pissed off he was, his conscience wouldn't let him leave Alec while he was feeling this rough.

Alec was lying on the bed where he gingerly sunk himself onto as soon as Kade opened the door to the room with the swipe card. Kade went back to the bathroom and wet one of the face cloths, coming back and handing it to Alec. Then he sat on the side of the bed, swiping a hand over his face. The anger had dissipated inside him and now he wasn't even sure what he was feeling, let alone what he should be feeling. Whatever it was, it was hard not to feel like it was the end of a very long road, one that he had encountered nothing but dead-ends on lately. He really thought he was done. There had been a glimmer of hope after they slept together in the midst of trying to talk their shit out after he came to the hospital to offer the Campbells his support, but yet again, Alec gave nothing. Kade was sick to fucking death of nothing.

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"That's my fault. It's all my fault." Now that Alec was horizontal and there was it was likely humanly impossible that anything was left inside him to still puke up, he was feeling a little less like death. The aircon in the hotel room was nice and the he wasn't taking the absence of hospital antiseptic smell for granted. Apparently running with a hangover was a bad, bad idea - who would've thought it? Now that there was stillness and silence, his brain had a chance to catch up with everything. He was worried about his family and had a sick knot in his gut at the small chance Mark might have had booze while on treatment to get sober again, with a result everyone had been trying so hard to prevent: Justin on 72 hour watch in a closed psych ward. Whatever had been the germinal seed of all that, Mark was going to be absolutely fucking crushed when he realised that was the outcome. The guy lived and breathed solely to protect his kids, especially trying to keep Justin as safe and well as possible. That was why Alec just couldn't buy he would have given into the booze cravings knowing he was on Antabuse.

But all that aside for this temporary silent stillness, there was everything with Kade. Everything Alec knew he had been burying his head in the sand about. He didn't want to have to face up to it and tackle it hungover but he knew if it wasn't now, he would probably never see Kade again. The point of no return had been well and truly passed. He rolled over just enough so he could take the glass of water for a few sips and then sunk back down onto his back, putting his hand over his eyes.

Kade's lack of reply to Alec's comment said it all. He raised an eyebrow but that was little more than underscoring his lack of reply. He didn't really have much intention of saying anything at all. He had done his saying of things and they had fallen on deaf ears. It got to a point where a person could only say their piece so much before you were an idiot to keep trying if it changed nothing and he didn't consider himself an idiot. In fact, he liked to think he actively kept a check on himself to prevent himself doing idiot things. If he did idiot things, it wasn't by intention and he usually tried to own up to it once he realised he was, in fact, a bit of an idiot in that circumstance. That wasn't the case here and he didn't think the onus of any of this was on him any more. He was sure this ship had sailed so far, it would've lapped the Titanic's maiden voyage three times over. Probably about the only couple of things stopping him walking out and leaving Alec to his hungover misery was he wanted to hear if Mark was okay, considering he had heart issues that this latest could impact on, and he wanted to make sure Alec kept some fluids down. He might be done but he wasn't a monster. He didn't hate Alec. Actually, it was the dead opposite but the dead opposite hadn't even been enough, which is what basically said it all to him. He wasn't here because Sam and Ava told them to get their shit together. He was here because it was time they both accepted there was no such shit to speak of.

Alec was about to apologise but he knew that Kade wouldn't believe it. The silence was heavy and he tried to figure out where he should even begin, trying not to think about how the scent of Kade's favourite cologne was triggering so many memories of having him close and familiar. How could someone feel so close and familiar yet so damn distant all at the same time. "I don't know how to explain the struggles I've been having with seeing you again without you thinking it's me just being a selfish prick." Okay, not a good start. It immediately made him sound like a selfish prick and he knew he had been caught out in subconscious reactions that made him look that way too, but nothing could be further from the truth. "It's not that I don't want you in my life. It's not that I don't want you a part of my family's lives or that I think what they're going through is none of your business. I've been acting the way I have because it's so fucking painful to see you knowing I'm still in love with you and there's no practical way we can work. When Jus and Sash recover and go back to the New York for rehab, I'm going with my family. My life is there now. Yes, my family is here and I'll always come back regularly, but I'm based in the States and you live here. You never settled when you were over there. Knowing that, there's nothing I can ask of you knowing you can't be happy over there. My family needs me over there because my nephew's life literally depends on it. Knowing I'm still in love with you but can't practically be is painful as hell and I'll admit, I haven't figured out how to deal with that in a way that doesn't make me seem like a prick who doesn't want you around. I do. I just don't know how to be near you knowing we're done for good. The last time we were near, we slept together and it just stirred everything up all over again and it knocked my head out of the game for Justin. That's not fair on him when he trusts me to be there when he needs me. I don't know how else to reconcile this for you and I'm sorry. I really am sorry. For everything. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you and I think that's what you believe, that I'm doing it intentionally."

"How was I to know it wasn't intentional when you never explained otherwise? That's my point, Al. You didn't want to meet me in the middle, you just pulled the plug before I even had a chance to figure out what middle there could be." Kade was already getting frustrated so he stopped and inwardly coached himself not to jump to getting overly emotional too quickly. He didn't want to end up in an argument or just going over old wounds that they more than established had no resolution. "Then, on top of that, you ghost me and the first time I see you when I'm trying to offer my support after a fucking terrible thing to happen to your family because I happen to care about said nephew as much as you do because I saw him like my own when we were together, you treat me like a one night stand you had to be drunk to fuck. And then ghost me again. Which I as actually okay to give you a pass on. You were in shock from what happened to Justin and Sash, and comfort sex is a valid thing. I was cool being that for you if it's what you needed. But I also assumed we'd talk more after. About us, about resolving some of this pain between us. You don't think it's been painful for me too? I developed insomnia because I couldn't reconcile what happened with us. Sometimes, people's first reactions to a stressful situation aren't always the best one, you know. Sometimes, we make mistakes in our choices. You never gave me the breathing space to figure that out. But maybe I have actually figured a few things out since then. Why the bloody hell are you so hungover anyway? I can't be to blame this time, you ghosted me again. You're all trying to support Mark to get dry again but you're out on the booze big time? I haven't seen you this hungover since my Olympian days. And why isn't the bloke who gave you that hickey the one holding your hair back when you spew?"

Alec moaned, putting both hands over his face. He knew Kade clocked that and of course it told a completely different story to the reality of the situation. "It was a squadron reunion with some RAAF mates from my first deployment. You can ask Ava, she was invited to come along but she was rostered on a double shift. We met up for a few drinks at Darling Harbour and I lost track of what I was drinking, it wasn't intentional to write myself off. The hickey was... I don't even know. I can barely remember speaking to the guy. It was the brother of one of my mates. It's nothing. It's beyond nothing. I'm this hungover because I haven't had a drink in ages." He wasn't even exaggerating or purposefully underscoring that fact, it was the plain truth. Taking his hands from his face, he let them rest on his chest, watching Kade's face to try to read between the lines of what he was saying. But Kade had never been the sort to wear his heart on his sleeve. "In this situation, K, meeting in the middle would literally be in the middle of the ocean. Forgive me for not following what you mean here because clearly I'm off my game but you told me you couldn't live in New York and I couldn't ask you to once I knew it made you miserable. How could that be figured out?"

Kade raised an eyebrow with a bemused quirk of his lips. "Yeah, that'd do it. It's not like you didn't need some stress relief." He couldn't spite Alec that but it was evident the timing was up the shit. It wasn't really his business but he didn't like seeing Alec feeling so rough, even if he was still frustrated it had all come to this. "No, I told you I couldn't live in New York like that. Where you were so tied up with your work and family that there was no room for me. I barely saw you and when I did, you were exhausted and moody. You know I have no issues with how you help your family, especially Justin but I had issues with how you balanced everything else and it basically tipped me completely out of the scenario. I still don't know what you expected me to be doing alone all that time. Surfing Netflix and pining for you? Of course fucking not. That's not me. But it did make me homesick and feel displaced, and yeah, I couldn't see how it was going to work. I was supposed to come home to work through the on-season here and then in New York with you for our winter and autumn. That should've worked, Al. It didn't. But it could've."

"Really did not need this type of stress relief. Believe it or not, I was only going to have a couple and then head home because we knew they were going to be trying to get Jus up on the parallel bars today. Mark didn't want us all hovering and making him feel pressured but we were going to be on standby in case it all went to shit. He hasn't been doing well since Sash came out of the coma." At first, with this whole splitting hairs mess, Alec didn't see how there was any difference in what he thought happened when they ended and what Kade said happened but now he knew. He did know and he had listened to Kade when they tried to talk after first seeing each other at the hospital weeks ago. But they didn't resolve anything. They ended up sleeping together and it was absolutely about desperately needing familiar comfort. But it was also because he missed Kade and as soon as he was close again, he couldn't resist the pull to him. That's how it had always been with them but sex just complicated the unresolved mess. Nothing Kade had said so far was wrong or inaccurate. "How? Because I'm genuinely at a loss how we could've avoided any of it. I know it was all on me and the situation I was in. Then I was a fucker arsehole because I was angry at you but it was misguided anger. I was just angry at the world after learning the truth about Justin's past. I don't know how to fix any of this, K. The only thing that's changed is my private practice is set up now with some consult work at the hospital. I'm purely a PTSD specialist now. But my family stuff, it's always going to be demanding. That was something I took for granted you'd be a part of." He put his hand over his eyes, wishing he could at least get some relief with this raging headache, if nothing else.

Kade knew a little of here Justin and Sash were up to from Ava. Obviously not the deeply personal things going on but Ava did mention Justin's mental health had deteriorated since Sash woke up with something called traumatic retrograde amnesia from his brain injury. He lost a whole chunk of his memory prior to the accident, which included meeting and knowing Justin, and that his best friend had lost her battle with cancer. Kade couldn't fathom how something like that would feel for anyone. "I'm sorry your family's having to go through all this. For what it's worth, I don't believe Mark would drink either, if he knew he had to be there for Justin. Then again, I wouldn't blame him if he did." He shrugged, looking over at the wall of obscured glass that the bathroom lay beyond. "I think if her talked more and were honest with each other about how we were truly feeling, it would've gone a long way. I'll admit, I didn't know how to talk to you about it and I also didn't want to bother you when you were juggling things with Justin after Bondi. I know it was an horrific time for everyone and his safety was at risk. I think we're equally to blame but neither of us intended to hurt each other. That's just a product of handling it badly. It wasn't all on you and you need to pause and think how it all played out to realise I never said it was. I always said it was on both of us, which means it was on both of us to try to fix it. If that's what we wanted. What is on you is, it never felt like you wanted it so I gave up. But I actually have an opportunity that's come up in New York that I think could give me a lot of grounding. Plus, I finally completed my physio Masters and qualified in aquatic physiotherapy. It was actually Justin and Will, in different ways, who helped me realise it's the path I belong on. I'm going to order tea. Do you want some?" He grabbed the room service menu that was propped up on the nightstand.

It was a lot of information and Alec's head still wasn't firing on many cylinders. He tried to follow what Kade was saying but he didn't think he was making any specific points yet. More like, he was just beginning to open up these lines of communication they both failed to keep opened before. "I, uh... yeah, order it but don't hold me to it." He shielded his eyes from the light, wanting to go over in his head again what Kade said. "Justin and Will-- how? I don't get it. What opportunity? Are you saying you want to quit lifesaving? That you'd consider moving to the States? Or am I just too hungover to really be following what you're saying? I mean, it's great you picked up your Masters again and found that path when I know you weren't always sure but... fuck, I'm just not following. Can you just tell me outright what you're saying? Do you just want to make peace and telling me you're moving into physio here or are you trying to tell me... there's hope for us? Or have I fucked that up royally for good? If so, then I'm not sure why you're even here."

Kade put the quick call through to room service for a pot of English Breakfast tea and another of peppermint tea, figuring it might help alleviate some of Alec's hangover nausea. If nothing else, it was a brief buffer in the conversation. He hung up the phone, tossing the menu back onto the nightstand. "Justin and Will both spoke to me about how therapeutic they find the water. In distinctly different ways, but it was a reminder that I could still do what I love and help people, just thinking outside the box to what I'm used to. It turns out that Will took up swimming pretty seriously to kick the booze habit after he split with Justin and he has a lot of promise swimming for competitions. He wants to train properly and see if he can take it further and he was talking to me about how he could go about getting a coach. I'd be lying if I didn't admit, it interested me. I love coaching and swimming's always been my strength. But hydro and aquatic therapy fascinates me too, so yeah, I'm thinking about moving on from lifesaving. I haven't worked out any of the details or what any of it is supposed to look like. My point is that my position was never static, it was just a comfort zone. I'd like to work with young people who could get benefit from aquatic therapy and I could still coach Will with his swimming."

"... in New York?" Alec realised he probably sounded really dense and he was definitely feeling it. Part of the reason he wasn't a huge fan of booze these days was how incapacitating it could be on his mind. He didn't like not being at least mentally in control. Then again, he wanted to make extra sure he was following what Kade was saying because communication - or lack thereof - had fucked everything up before. "Shit, you've done so much since we split. I didn't even realise you'd gone back to study. You said you didn't think you ever wanted to practice after you got your BSc. You preferred to work in the water or at least near it. This is work that you'd e perfect for. But Will lives in New York and you pretty clearly you told me you hated it there. Wait, no. You didn't say that. I know you didn't. You just said you couldn't live there. It was too cold, too loud, and too claustrophobic."

Kade scrunched his nose up and gestured with his hand. "Well, maybe not directly in the city. Somewhere there's a little more green and fresh air but still commuting distance. Like where Sash's folks live or something. Bonus points if there's a slightly decent beach nearby too. Look, I haven't made any decisions and I certainly don't have it all mapped out. It's not how I like to live my life anyway. The point I'm trying to make is, if you just actually talked to me and stopped trying to push me out of your life, some of this painful shit might've been able to be avoided. Not the hangover. I mean, you're on your own with that, mate. I can give you tea and make sure you don't puke yourself to death but other than that, you're just going to have to ride the self-inflicted misery out. If you want to keep talking, then okay. I'll stick around. If you're not interested in anything I'm saying, then I'll leave and we can draw a line under it for good."

Alec put his hand on Kade's arm. "I want you to stay. I want to keep talking. Can absolutely not categorically promise there won't be more spewing but it won't be through lack of determination." Suddenly, he was feeling so many things inside and not so well equipped to identify and process them all. But he recognised that maybe in that maybe, it was enough to just know that Kade merely saying these simple things triggered all the feelings he thought he had buried deep down inside. Those same feelings had been were why he had been trying to avoid Kade and nudge him not out of the picture but enough into the sidelines that seeing him didn't hurt quite so much. He knew he what an arsehole he had been but he hadn't figured out a better way to let Kade be present for his family at this horrible time without it hurting so much. Whatever Kade had thought, Alec would never have pushed him out of his family's world and he never indicated that after they split. He knew there was still a connection and relationship with Kade and his family. That, ultimately, probably made the whole thing so messy whenever he was back in Sydney and this time, it was longer term, indefinitely, even. At least until Justin was well enough to travel back home. Even then, he would probably stay until Sash was well enough to be transferred to New York on a long haul international flight. But this? What Kade was saying? Felt like it changed fucking everything and that was a lot to absorb with a hangover. "Sammy and Alexis are going to buy a place midway between her work and his, around that area. They got engaged, you know. It definitely looked a lot more appealing than the concrete box that is New York, save for the giant patch in the middle. K, I wasn't pushing you out, I was pushing he pain out. There's a big difference. I never actually wanted you out of my life. Not now, not the times we lost each other before. I would've done anything to hold onto you forever, save for the one thing you needed me to do. Honestly, I struggled with compassion fatigue back then and I dropped the ball with you because I was trying so hard to hold onto the balls my family needed me to juggle with Jus and I wish none of it played out how it did. What I'm trying to get to is, my family life won't be different. If we... found some compromise, you could be content in a purpose over there, would it still be okay how much Justin needs me, sometimes for long stretches and without warning?"

Drawing his lower lip between his teeth, he looked down at Alec's hand on his arm and then nodded. "Okay. Then I'll stay." He stood up and took his jacket off, draping it over the arm of the two-seater sofa under the TV and toed his boots off, nudging them against the wall with his foot so Alec wouldn't trip on them if he needed to bolt to the shitter to spew again. Sitting back on the side of the bed, he started to unlace Alec's blue Converse high-tops. "Do you want to take your jeans off? Skinny jeans can't be helping your guts to settle. "Yeah? I didn't know Sammy popped the question. Good on him, she's a catch. Justin must've been stoked. A bit of happiness in amongst all the shit. I need you to really stop and really think when I asked you this next question. Really think. Not just emotionally and reflexively let your brain bounce back to when we split. Did I ever have an issue with you supporting your family and being part of Justin's primary care team, an issue with any of the time you spent being there for them...?"

There was a knock at the door then, so he got up to go accept the room service, leaving Alec with that significant question. The hotel worker brought the tray through with the two pots of tea and the plain toast with a side of butter he tacked on the end of the order, figuring Alec could eat it cold when he was feeling less pukey. He thanked the worker as they left and went over to they tray, lifting the lids of the teapots to see if they sent real tea or were stingy and just used bags.

Alec was going to answer with saying that Kade said the reason he went back home to Sydney and didn't return to New York was because Alec was so tied up with his family... until he realised that wasn't really what Kade said at all. Kade had said the reason he decided to stay in Sydney and break up wit Alec was that he was homesick because Alec was, granted, tied up with his family but all Kade wanted was a relationship that wasn't empty and one-sided. It was true, he had never said he had an issue with the support Alec was giving his family, he just wanted a place to fit into that too. There was a huge difference. "No, you didn't," he murmured, sinking back onto the pillows. "You only had an issue with being pushed away and not included, and I guess that can't even be called an 'issue'. It was valid and I shouldn't have just buried my head in the sand. When I realised just how difficult Justin finds trusting people to help him with the worst of his mental illnesses, and that he did actually let me in with it, I didn't want to let him down. But I was also terrified he'd complete on my watch. I still am. We all are. I think when you left, I was just trying to settle in to the vastly different life over there and misread you leaving as you not wanting to be in it all with me. The thing is, I wouldn't have blamed you, which is why I never pushed. Uprooting your entire life to another country is huge enough but to be all-in on family struggles like mine is a whole other ball game. I really thought the half-in, half-out thing would work for us. It would still give you connection to home and the water during the Aussie summer away from the shitty US winter. It was just too much distance, I get that now. Are you saying you want to try again? Just... not like that."

Kade left the tea to steep a little longer because they both preferred it strong and finished taking Alec's shoes off for him, dropping them next to his own boots. "I don't know if it was ever going to work, Al. I've had a lot of time to think about it and I just don't think we nurtured it how we needed to in the early days. Which has nothing to do with how stressed you were about your family. I'm going to keep underscoring that. I would never want anything but for you to put them as a priority, especially Justin. You made that promise to him and that was a part of you that made me fall in love with you so hard all over again back then. It's still a part of you I admire beyond what words can say, it'll never not be. But I wanted to be at your side with it. The more I tried, the more you pulled away. When I asked you about compassion fatigue, you went for the jugular. You didn't want to hear it, like you somehow felt me asking if it was a possibility was suggesting you couldn't cope helping take care of Justin. We should probably talk about that. You admit it now but why did you go at me when I asked? These are things we need to hash out before I can answer that question. I'd need to know we have staying power, what the future might hold. Otherwise, it's not worth the risk again. It's just not."

"I don't think I really knew how to nurture much of anything back then. For all I knew about PTSD and how it presents in combat, a severely suicidal kid with C-PTSD who just walked into the fucking ocean to drown himself was a whole other ball game. Clinically, it wasn't out of my depth but emotionally as an uncle still trying to get to know his nephew, I was. I think I was traumatised after what happened at Bondi myself, that it happened on my watch. It came back to bite me in the arse down the track once I was burnt out and by then, we were pretty much over. You told me you weren't coming back. I just buried myself in more work at the hospital because Justin was doing a lot better after he met Sash and they were getting serious. It was surreal to watch a couple of kids not even in their twenties yet nailing it and somehow, I fucked it all up in my relationship. But I couldn't see it as compassion fatigue back then. That was something I was always weirdly so conscious of but it felt like something other people got in practice and this was with my own family. It was hard to admit to. I was pissed off at you by proxy, when I should've been pissed off at myself for not dealing with the guilt of watching Justin be pulled from the surf at Bondi and never taking precautions to protect my own mental state while I took care of my family. The dumbest part of all is that if I just let you in more, it might not have gotten so tough and affected me how it did, leading to me sabotaging what we had." Alex unzipped his fly and propped himself up on his elbows to try to get his jeans off but as soon as he was no longer horizontal, he ended up in a wave of dry retching when the nausea returned with a vengeance so he dropped back down again with a groan. The heaviness of the topic was probably contributing to his unsettled guts because he wasn't sure he'd ever fully shed the guilt with Justin and what happened with Kade.

"Hey, take it easy. Let me help you." Kade put the trash can on the bed beside Alec in case he needed it and tugged his jeans off for him so he didn't have to sit up or move too much. After folding the jeans and putting them on the sofa, he came back and tucked a couple of the spare pillow behind Alec so he could sit up just a little if he wanted to give the peppermint tea a shot. He poured them both a cup of tea from the different pots and put Alec's cup and saucer on the nightstand. It might prove still too adventurous for him but it was there if he wanted it. Carefully, he sat on the vacant spot on the bed by Alec, but sitting up with a pillow behind him so he could have his tea. "I still struggle with that day at Bondi too. I have nightmares about Justin's save. I really didn't think we'd get him back. It was just a split second of action that was the difference between life and death. Even then, we didn't know if there'd be any cerebral hypoxia or even brain death. All this shit was somehow racing through my head as it was happening, all the while knowing he was Mark's. He was your nephew. I don't know if I knew how to talk to you about it either. I never wanted to pry open the raw wounds around the plain fact that the poor kid nearly ended his life like that. I was only ever used to accidents or emergencies, not... it was just such a harsh way to do it. I could never get my head around what would get him to that place, even if rationally I know the simple answer is mental illness. But he's your nephew, I wanted to understand more. It was just another source of distance between us, I guess. I'm not looking for you to shoulder all the blame. I think we equally contributed and not intentionally. It was a situation neither of us ever had to deal with before. We should've leaned on each other. I hear that's what a relationship is all about."

Alec picked up the cup, even if he was just nursing it in his hands without having any yet and answered with a resolute nod. "Without breaching his confidentiality on things he's disclosed to me, he's resorted to some awful ways to self-harm. It's never a rational choice, it's what's available to him when the urge gets too strong. It can be a very fine line between ideation and intent. He was very sick that day at Bondi but he knew what he was doing. And by knew, I mean, he wanted to stop living and that was one of many ways he considered it in those preceding days. If it wasn't the beach, it would've been something else. It's really just as simple that he was very sick and it exacerbated more quickly than anyone realised. Have you spoken to a psychologist about any of this? Even just one appointed through work? I know those resources are there for you. It's no shame to use them as much as you need. The memories could be with you for a long time, you might need strategies to manage it. Have you spoken to him at all recently? Prior to the accident, I mean. I just realised I don't even know if you kept in touch with him after we..." He made a little gesture with his fingers, not really wanting to say it out loud anymore. "You can always talk to me about it. Those wounds, I don't think they ever quite heal for me. In a lot of ways, I don't want them to because it helps me connect with him. I made that promise to him the day we met, that I would hold on tight to anything he wanted to tell me, so he never had to repeat anything that was too hard. Would it help if I talked to you about my feelings around all that? Maybe compartmentalising isn't the answer."

"Not recently. I was seeing one for awhile but it started to feel like I was just rehashing the bad stuff. It was easier to just bury it away and get on with the job. I'm sure there's probably some way to psych-evaluate even that choice but it is what it is. The sticking point was always that... I just feel like I distracted you that day, took your eye off the ball, so to speak. It was the first time we'd seen each other in years and the first thing we do is snog like no time has passed at all. Again, sure there's capacity for psych evaluation but seeing as I know that wasn't one-sided and seems to be a thing with us, it feels like it shouldn't be a problem. But clearly it is because we're still here, trying to sort this shit out, meaning there's shit to sort out. That's the part I get stuck on, though. Am I just too much of a distraction for you when you need to be focused on your family?" It was a massive thing for Kade to finally get out there, to put into words and finally hand to Alec. That one thing that kept churning over and over in his head, born of that moment when they were kissing each other at Bondi like no one else in the world existed, right at the moment Justin walked into a rip fully-clothed to drown himself, when moments before, Alec had been sitting on the sand with Justin and watching him. He exhaled heavily, not realising he was taking in such a deep breath to get the words out, and took a mouthful of his tea, holding it in his mouth and keeping his eyes locked on the cup in his hands. Maybe he just needed the answer he didn't want to this, to get closure for everything. He really didn't know anymore.

"It's hard not to feel that sort of guilt in situations like this, K. I've felt it too and had to do a lot of checking myself when I catch myself doing it. The mistake was mine, though, not yours. You only knew after the fact that what happened wasn't an accident, how severely mentally ill Justin was. You might've known who he was and that he was Mark's, but you only found out more in the days that followed. I remember, because you kept asking me at the hospital when you came to visit him why he was near the water dressed like that and how he fell in. You didn't see him go in, you were only first on the scene getting him out. He hadn't slept in many days and even though he let me administer a sedative to him the night before, he only agreed to half-strength and made me promise I wouldn't have him hauled off to a psych unit while he slept. He barely got a few hours. You can't forget, this was in the wake of him disclosing his long-term sexual abuse when he was a kid and Mark and Gen's marriage was failing, causing them to break promises to him. He was in the wake of two suicide attempts and down the track now, we know he had plans for another, but Reecy intervened and he bolted to get on a plane to his grandparents in Sydney. Everything was a mess. I'd met him literally the day before, so I was a stranger to him. It was just one of those tough reminders for my family that there are going to be days it's really tough and we won't always know what to do. That was one of those days for me, I didn't know him well enough yet and underestimated how severely suicidal he was. You weren't a distraction. You've never been a distraction. You're the only person I've ever been in love with and I hate that I made you feel like that didn't mean something." Alec looked at the surface of the tea and put the cup to his lips, the aroma of peppermint filled his nose and thankfully didn't immediately turn his stomach so he had a few small sips. "If you weren't there that day, K, we might've lost him. He might not have been pulled out and revived quickly enough, or he might've tried another way he succeeded with. He still tells people to this day it was his honorary uncle that saved his life at Bondi. He still sees you as family because you are."

It was strange, but Kade felt a sense of quiet relief settle over him listening to Alec talk about these things. They were probably the hardest subjects they could be going over but it wasn't about that. It was just the fact they were talking at all, without the tension and without the weird distance that had been between them since they broke up. After the horrible Bondi event, when he and Alec decided to resume the relationship they had initially began when they were in high school, he really thought they'd go the distance that time. But they both severely underestimated the impact those events at Bondi would have. But they didn't talk enough. Not even nearly enough. This was a conversation they should've had long ago. "Is that how unwell he is again now? Is it that level? I known you haven't actually seen him but from what I was hearing, it was really bad." He watched Alec with his tea, but so far she seemed to be tolerating it okay. "What about you? Can you still see me as family or is this all a waste of time?"

Alec pressed his fingers to his temple and as reluctant as he was, had to nod. "I'd say we're not far off. He hasn't really been very stable since Sash woke but anyone would be emotional in his shoes. His mood has been tanking but he was being as much of a trooper as he could for Sash but every time he has to re-face that Sash doesn't remember they're together, it's like another blow. He might not be too bad come morning with the drugs likely administered but I don't think the situation is that optimistic. I don't think he'll bounce back from this psychosis very easily. If I had to make a guess how I think things will go based off of how he's been, I'd say I'm expecting his mood to crash into a bad depressive episode. It could go the complete opposite and tip into a manic episode but I don't think so. If he doesn't bounce back, they might choose to keep him in psych, which could impact on his physical rehab. There are a lot of ways this could play out but I think he's going to be unwell for a few days at the very least, until he knows Mark's out of danger." He put the cup of tea back down and took Kade's hand, tongue tracing over his lips nervously. "I want us to try again. Differently this time. I never wanted you out of my life and I've missed you every damn day. But I'd truly get it if you're not interested or don't trust me. But it will be different, I promise you that. I'd put money on house out NYC right now if I thought it would help. I want this. I want you."

"You've been there for him whenever he needs, then. Still, no matter how much you love him, I know more than anyone that you're not immune to shouldering too much to try to take care of your family. Do you want to talk about how you are, how it's been since the crash? Or, at the very least, promise me there's someone you can talk to while you're being what your family needs to lean on right now. Because contrary to how it seems, I care about you all so fucking much and all I really wanted back then was to be your support while you were everyone else's. You don't have a diagnosis of PTSD but you've still seen many horrible things and supported others trying to do with the horrible things they've been through. But your family? You would sacrifice yourself for them. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough in New York to go to the distance but a lot has changed and I want us to have another chance. I trust you with my life, alright? Of course I'm fucking interested. I never stopped being interested, I was just hurt because I thought you weren't. It felt like you didn't need me and hadn't needed me in a long time." Kade put his cup down too and offered his hand for Alec to take if he wanted to. "Think you can keep some Panadol down now? I've got some in my wallet."

Despite how he was feeling, Alec still managed a faint smile at the offered hand and took it without hesitation. "This latest? I'm still trying to get my head around. It's about a billion times harder with a hangover. Justin hasn't been mentally stable but he's been conscious of it and managed well clinically. After such a horrible ordeal, no one would expect him to be stable. His ups and downs haven't been extreme, though, and he's been asking for me a lot, even if he didn't always engage once I got there. For Jus, not engaging is a symptom so I could still monitor his progress. A lot of it was related to Mark's relapse with booze and Sash not waking, then not being himself once he was awake. If you factor that in, Jus has actually done really, really well, all things considered. But Mark... fuck, he's not dealt well with hearing Sammy has cancer and, well, he overdosed on some prescription meds, which led to him ultimately being diagnosed with Bipolar II after an emergency psych assessment. It's been on my radar for a little while, that maybe we were dealing with something more than cyclothymia with him but it all came to a head when Sammy was sick. But it means Mark has been fractured emotionally himself and Justin hasn't coped well Mark drinking again. Justin always blames himself. It's been hard with the people I love hurting so much. And lonely. Everyone's dealing with so much and even though we've all be on-hand to help and doing what we can, we've been like ships passing in the night. The night out with my RAAF mates, I wasn't going to go. Mark told me to, to chill out for a bit. I know even if I was there, this still would've happened. It's easy to fear Mark might've had a drink but I know my brother, and I know how he both parents his kids but also how his addiction exhibits because of them. If he knew he had to be there for Jus getting up from the wheelchair for the first time, there's no way he would've drunk, not even if he had cravings. He knows his relationship with his son is fragile even at the best of times. I just wish there was more I could do. Panadol would be good, babe. Any shot had feeling something that resembles human again." He squeeze Kade's hand. "I always needed you. That was never it. Not even remotely. My feelings for you have never changed. Other shit just took my eye off the ball."

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