Alec was about to apologise but he knew that Kade wouldn't believe it. The silence was heavy and he tried to figure out where he should even begin, trying not to think about how the scent of Kade's favourite cologne was triggering so many memories of having him close and familiar. How could someone feel so close and familiar yet so damn distant all at the same time. "I don't know how to explain the struggles I've been having with seeing you again without you thinking it's me just being a selfish prick." Okay, not a good start. It immediately made him sound like a selfish prick and he knew he had been caught out in subconscious reactions that made him look that way too, but nothing could be further from the truth. "It's not that I don't want you in my life. It's not that I don't want you a part of my family's lives or that I think what they're going through is none of your business. I've been acting the way I have because it's so fucking painful to see you knowing I'm still in love with you and there's no practical way we can work. When Jus and Sash recover and go back to the New York for rehab, I'm going with my family. My life is there now. Yes, my family is here and I'll always come back regularly, but I'm based in the States and you live here. You never settled when you were over there. Knowing that, there's nothing I can ask of you knowing you can't be happy over there. My family needs me over there because my nephew's life literally depends on it. Knowing I'm still in love with you but can't practically be is painful as hell and I'll admit, I haven't figured out how to deal with that in a way that doesn't make me seem like a prick who doesn't want you around. I do. I just don't know how to be near you knowing we're done for good. The last time we were near, we slept together and it just stirred everything up all over again and it knocked my head out of the game for Justin. That's not fair on him when he trusts me to be there when he needs me. I don't know how else to reconcile this for you and I'm sorry. I really am sorry. For everything. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you and I think that's what you believe, that I'm doing it intentionally."