lifeguardoflove: (114)
Kade Janson King ([personal profile] lifeguardoflove) wrote in [community profile] dreamlikenewyork2023-10-14 04:03 am

"Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

Who: Kade King and Alec Campbell
What: Shitstorm of Family Matters
Where: Sydney, AU
When: After this

Kade poured the bottle of chilled spring water from he mini bar fridge into a glass. He set it down on the nightstand by the sprawling king sized bed and collected the stainless steel bin from the bathroom, bringing it through and placing it on the floor by the bed with a mumbled sigh of, "Don't know what the fuck I'm even doing..."

Against his better judgement and the practical little voice in his head telling him not to, once Alec finished barfing up everything he had eaten in a week in hospital carpark, Kade suggested to Alec they fork out for a room in the hotel nextdoor to the hospital so Alec could lie down and try to sleep off the hangover for a couple of hours so he could get his head back in the game for his family. Kade planned to just leave him there in his own misery but both Sam and Ava's pointed words to both of them to sort their shit out was swirling around his head. Plus, no matter how pissed off he was, his conscience wouldn't let him leave Alec while he was feeling this rough.

Alec was lying on the bed where he gingerly sunk himself onto as soon as Kade opened the door to the room with the swipe card. Kade went back to the bathroom and wet one of the face cloths, coming back and handing it to Alec. Then he sat on the side of the bed, swiping a hand over his face. The anger had dissipated inside him and now he wasn't even sure what he was feeling, let alone what he should be feeling. Whatever it was, it was hard not to feel like it was the end of a very long road, one that he had encountered nothing but dead-ends on lately. He really thought he was done. There had been a glimmer of hope after they slept together in the midst of trying to talk their shit out after he came to the hospital to offer the Campbells his support, but yet again, Alec gave nothing. Kade was sick to fucking death of nothing.
circlesofthemind: (100)

[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-10-21 10:05 am (UTC)(link)
"I don't think I really knew how to nurture much of anything back then. For all I knew about PTSD and how it presents in combat, a severely suicidal kid with C-PTSD who just walked into the fucking ocean to drown himself was a whole other ball game. Clinically, it wasn't out of my depth but emotionally as an uncle still trying to get to know his nephew, I was. I think I was traumatised after what happened at Bondi myself, that it happened on my watch. It came back to bite me in the arse down the track once I was burnt out and by then, we were pretty much over. You told me you weren't coming back. I just buried myself in more work at the hospital because Justin was doing a lot better after he met Sash and they were getting serious. It was surreal to watch a couple of kids not even in their twenties yet nailing it and somehow, I fucked it all up in my relationship. But I couldn't see it as compassion fatigue back then. That was something I was always weirdly so conscious of but it felt like something other people got in practice and this was with my own family. It was hard to admit to. I was pissed off at you by proxy, when I should've been pissed off at myself for not dealing with the guilt of watching Justin be pulled from the surf at Bondi and never taking precautions to protect my own mental state while I took care of my family. The dumbest part of all is that if I just let you in more, it might not have gotten so tough and affected me how it did, leading to me sabotaging what we had." Alex unzipped his fly and propped himself up on his elbows to try to get his jeans off but as soon as he was no longer horizontal, he ended up in a wave of dry retching when the nausea returned with a vengeance so he dropped back down again with a groan. The heaviness of the topic was probably contributing to his unsettled guts because he wasn't sure he'd ever fully shed the guilt with Justin and what happened with Kade.
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-10-21 05:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Alec picked up the cup, even if he was just nursing it in his hands without having any yet and answered with a resolute nod. "Without breaching his confidentiality on things he's disclosed to me, he's resorted to some awful ways to self-harm. It's never a rational choice, it's what's available to him when the urge gets too strong. It can be a very fine line between ideation and intent. He was very sick that day at Bondi but he knew what he was doing. And by knew, I mean, he wanted to stop living and that was one of many ways he considered it in those preceding days. If it wasn't the beach, it would've been something else. It's really just as simple that he was very sick and it exacerbated more quickly than anyone realised. Have you spoken to a psychologist about any of this? Even just one appointed through work? I know those resources are there for you. It's no shame to use them as much as you need. The memories could be with you for a long time, you might need strategies to manage it. Have you spoken to him at all recently? Prior to the accident, I mean. I just realised I don't even know if you kept in touch with him after we..." He made a little gesture with his fingers, not really wanting to say it out loud anymore. "You can always talk to me about it. Those wounds, I don't think they ever quite heal for me. In a lot of ways, I don't want them to because it helps me connect with him. I made that promise to him the day we met, that I would hold on tight to anything he wanted to tell me, so he never had to repeat anything that was too hard. Would it help if I talked to you about my feelings around all that? Maybe compartmentalising isn't the answer."
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-10-22 09:23 am (UTC)(link)
"It's hard not to feel that sort of guilt in situations like this, K. I've felt it too and had to do a lot of checking myself when I catch myself doing it. The mistake was mine, though, not yours. You only knew after the fact that what happened wasn't an accident, how severely mentally ill Justin was. You might've known who he was and that he was Mark's, but you only found out more in the days that followed. I remember, because you kept asking me at the hospital when you came to visit him why he was near the water dressed like that and how he fell in. You didn't see him go in, you were only first on the scene getting him out. He hadn't slept in many days and even though he let me administer a sedative to him the night before, he only agreed to half-strength and made me promise I wouldn't have him hauled off to a psych unit while he slept. He barely got a few hours. You can't forget, this was in the wake of him disclosing his long-term sexual abuse when he was a kid and Mark and Gen's marriage was failing, causing them to break promises to him. He was in the wake of two suicide attempts and down the track now, we know he had plans for another, but Reecy intervened and he bolted to get on a plane to his grandparents in Sydney. Everything was a mess. I'd met him literally the day before, so I was a stranger to him. It was just one of those tough reminders for my family that there are going to be days it's really tough and we won't always know what to do. That was one of those days for me, I didn't know him well enough yet and underestimated how severely suicidal he was. You weren't a distraction. You've never been a distraction. You're the only person I've ever been in love with and I hate that I made you feel like that didn't mean something." Alec looked at the surface of the tea and put the cup to his lips, the aroma of peppermint filled his nose and thankfully didn't immediately turn his stomach so he had a few small sips. "If you weren't there that day, K, we might've lost him. He might not have been pulled out and revived quickly enough, or he might've tried another way he succeeded with. He still tells people to this day it was his honorary uncle that saved his life at Bondi. He still sees you as family because you are."
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-10-23 10:20 am (UTC)(link)
Alec pressed his fingers to his temple and as reluctant as he was, had to nod. "I'd say we're not far off. He hasn't really been very stable since Sash woke but anyone would be emotional in his shoes. His mood has been tanking but he was being as much of a trooper as he could for Sash but every time he has to re-face that Sash doesn't remember they're together, it's like another blow. He might not be too bad come morning with the drugs likely administered but I don't think the situation is that optimistic. I don't think he'll bounce back from this psychosis very easily. If I had to make a guess how I think things will go based off of how he's been, I'd say I'm expecting his mood to crash into a bad depressive episode. It could go the complete opposite and tip into a manic episode but I don't think so. If he doesn't bounce back, they might choose to keep him in psych, which could impact on his physical rehab. There are a lot of ways this could play out but I think he's going to be unwell for a few days at the very least, until he knows Mark's out of danger." He put the cup of tea back down and took Kade's hand, tongue tracing over his lips nervously. "I want us to try again. Differently this time. I never wanted you out of my life and I've missed you every damn day. But I'd truly get it if you're not interested or don't trust me. But it will be different, I promise you that. I'd put money on house out NYC right now if I thought it would help. I want this. I want you."
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-10-25 10:10 am (UTC)(link)
Despite how he was feeling, Alec still managed a faint smile at the offered hand and took it without hesitation. "This latest? I'm still trying to get my head around. It's about a billion times harder with a hangover. Justin hasn't been mentally stable but he's been conscious of it and managed well clinically. After such a horrible ordeal, no one would expect him to be stable. His ups and downs haven't been extreme, though, and he's been asking for me a lot, even if he didn't always engage once I got there. For Jus, not engaging is a symptom so I could still monitor his progress. A lot of it was related to Mark's relapse with booze and Sash not waking, then not being himself once he was awake. If you factor that in, Jus has actually done really, really well, all things considered. But Mark... fuck, he's not dealt well with hearing Sammy has cancer and, well, he overdosed on some prescription meds, which led to him ultimately being diagnosed with Bipolar II after an emergency psych assessment. It's been on my radar for a little while, that maybe we were dealing with something more than cyclothymia with him but it all came to a head when Sammy was sick. But it means Mark has been fractured emotionally himself and Justin hasn't coped well Mark drinking again. Justin always blames himself. It's been hard with the people I love hurting so much. And lonely. Everyone's dealing with so much and even though we've all be on-hand to help and doing what we can, we've been like ships passing in the night. The night out with my RAAF mates, I wasn't going to go. Mark told me to, to chill out for a bit. I know even if I was there, this still would've happened. It's easy to fear Mark might've had a drink but I know my brother, and I know how he both parents his kids but also how his addiction exhibits because of them. If he knew he had to be there for Jus getting up from the wheelchair for the first time, there's no way he would've drunk, not even if he had cravings. He knows his relationship with his son is fragile even at the best of times. I just wish there was more I could do. Panadol would be good, babe. Any shot had feeling something that resembles human again." He squeeze Kade's hand. "I always needed you. That was never it. Not even remotely. My feelings for you have never changed. Other shit just took my eye off the ball."
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-10-26 12:22 pm (UTC)(link)
"Bit of both, I think. Definitely not intentionally. I was going to head home after a few and get a bit of work done on a research paper I'm working on. We all knew Jus had the physio trial today to see if he could tolerate holding himself up on the bars to get slight weight-bearing on his legs started. Very, very early days of a long road but he's been working his arse off with upper body strengthening. That obviously meant there was a chance he couldn't handle it, so we'd prepared for that. Once I was out with my mates, it was easy to disconnect temporarily. Even though they asked me how Justin and Sash were getting on, we didn't talk about anything else about my family. Just reminiscing about old times and all that. There really was absolutely nothing in that drunken hook up. I just want you to know that, even though I'm sure it looks otherwise. I just want you to know what." Alec put the pills in his mouth and washed them down with a sip of tea. He closed his eyes for a lingering few moments and sighed. "It's easier to explain how other people are feeling. It's easier to make sure other people are holding up the best they can when things are stressful or traumatic. And fuck know, it's not like either is foreign to my family. But this is actually the first time I've been physically present when both Sammy and Sparky's lives have been on the line. Like, really on the line. I know Sammy's getting treatment and it's a highly treatable form of cancer, and Sparky's getting the psych help he needs to get back on top of things but I'm really scared. That there's a chance we could lose them, or they could lose each other. Our family does a really great job of protecting each other but when the forces are beyond your control, it's a whole other ball game. I have this heavy ache in my gut that there's going to be some straw that breaks a camel's back and my family will never be the same again. And if I'm honest, it doesn't feel different to the pain when I lost you. That's probably why I've been struggling every time I see you lately. There's something you can do... you're already doing it. Hearing me out, giving me a chance to try to explain."
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-10-27 01:40 pm (UTC)(link)
Alec nodded, catching himself off guard when he teared up and a lump of emotion caught in his throat, probably a culmination of life fucking his family royally recently. "Keeping going is something I think I'm pretty skilled at, if nothing else. The irony that I don't actually have Campbell blood in my veins but still managed to inherit the workaholic tendencies and cluelessness about commitment. I'm so sorry, K. For all that shit." He let himself sink into the familiar warmth of Kade's embrace and appreciate the closeness. He was kind of relieved that he was hungover because it prevented him getting aroused and giving into the sexual desire that never faltered for Kade since the day they first slept together in high school. If there was at least a minute silver lining to a raging hangover, this could be it. He didn't want that to be a distraction this time, even though he figured that if they really did start the process of working things out today, they'd probably end up having make-up sex when he was feeling better. He slid his hand beneath Kade's shirt to caress his back. "But I just... sorry, but my head keeps going back to how homesick you were in NY and that it just wasn't somewhere you felt settled or content. Is that what you're saying, you want to try again to move over there indefinitely, if we can live out of the city and maybe near some water? I don't want to make any promises based on maybes anymore but that's... it's where I live now. It's where I need to be and I don't foresee returning to Sydney on a permanent basis anymore. I'm happy living near all my brothers and my nephews, being part of their lives."
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-10-31 09:49 am (UTC)(link)
"Yeah, of course I do. There's never fucking been anyone else, K. No one had a chance of coming close. I know you think that's just because of my demanding job and being in Defence all those years but it's not. I'm not scared of what's hard or complicated. Logistics fucked us over, I get that. It was just hard for me to see a solution that didn't mean you would be forced to hurt. That's the reason I never asked you not to go, or never asked you to stay. And I won't. But I hope it at least helps a little to have some context on that, that it wasn't because I didn't want you to stay. I couldn't, in my own conscience, ask you to do something that was hurting you. But I also couldn't offer to go back with you because I will always stand by the promises I made to Justin and Mark, to protect Justin's life with all the tools I have." Alec paused and had to put his hand to his mouth when a wave of nausea swelled again. He took a few moments to breathe through it and then swallowed it back. "Sorry, this nausea's a stubborn bitch. I can't remember the last time I felt this crook. Maybe I'm going out in sympathy for Sparky and Sammy. Fucking happy hour booze. If we can meet in the middle on that, and you really do think you can be okay trying to live in the States again, then I'll do whatever I can to try to make this work this time. But I just want to apologise in advance for the times that gets tough and strains us, because it will. Overall, Jus has honed his coping mechanisms like a fine art but I don't know what's going to happen if his recovery is impeded or Sash's brain injury means he never recovers capacity to be in a relationship with Jus. That's what we're all trying to brace for. For us, though? For our relationship, I'll make sure I'm nurturing it just as much and being present for you. I just might stumble sometimes but feel free to call me out on it, and rub my nose in this very conversation to remind me."
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-11-03 12:50 pm (UTC)(link)
"No, I want you to stay right here. We've got too much lost time to make up for. I'll try and tackle the tea again soon." Leaning back a little so he could see Kade's face, Alec softly stroked his fingers across Kade's brow and caressed his cheek. It felt a bit strange to be this close to him again but it felt right at a time when little else in his life came close to feeling like that. There was no quick fix but they were slotting the first broken piece of them together back into place. The other pieces would soon follow, hopefully. "Do you really think we were shit at navigating a relationship? Inherently, I don't think we were that shit. Not really. Like, if Sparky can manage to resurrect his marriage, I don't think we're a lost cause. We have to work together, though. That's the only way he and Gen saved what they had and we don't have a kid relying on us to get it right. Wait, do you mean you thought we'd get married some day? Shit, I don't think that's something we ever talked about but... it's what you'd want? My family never stopped thinking of you as one of us either, you know. That's not just because our mums are good friends. Hey, my nephew's a smart cookie. I'd say he gets it from me but that's all him. If you're being all Dumbledore in your 90s on your death bed, I want to be there with you. But first, I need to take a slash."

He patted Kade's hip before he struggled to stiffly pull himself up, which inevitably caused his head to spin. There was nothing elegant about the way he sort of flopped off the side of the bed, feeling Kade put his hand on his back to help him, and it was more like a zig-zaggy stumble to the bathroom than a purposeful walk. Before he even got to the bathroom door, though, his stomach was lurching in protest and he threw a hand out to hold himself up on the wall with a groaned, "Oh god." The last few paces were an unsteady dash to the toilet, which he made in the nick of time. Resuming a vertical position hadn't been a good idea at all. There had to have been tequila or absinthe shots on the menu last night to get him in this state. It wasn't like a few Death Drop shots hadn't been consumed during many a wild night of his military days. He was going to have to grill his mates by text later to find out just WTF happened.
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-11-04 04:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Sitting back from the toilet, Alec slumped against the glass wall of the shower and accepted the facecloth and glass of water, groaning. "Just rub it in, why don't you. Don't I get at least a few sympathy points for the fact it's been ages since I had anything more than a couple of beers, let alone a full night out on the piss? The Death Drops probably sounded like a good idea after a few vokda and cokes. No nudie runs. My RAAF mates and I will always have each other's backs, thank fuck." He pressed the cloth to his face with both hands, sighing heavily at how nice the coolness felt against his flushed skin. "Do you think marriage complicates things? I'm not asking that to be a smart arse. I agree, it looks nice. But it seems like some people are made for it and others aren't. Or maybe it just doesn't work with the wrong match. Like, even just with my brothers, I've got different levels of arguments for and against it. Then there's my folks, who have been going strong for nearly fifty years. I've never been able to figure out where I fit on that scale. I've only ever been in love with one person and I still managed to fuck that up. Being a therapist, it's difficult not to overanalyse and psychoanalyse things. Kids, though? Damn, I feel like that's something I shouldn't be hungover thinking about. I'm a bit terrified to think how I'd be as a dad, responsible for a tiny person who relies on you for everything. Then when they're not so tiny and you can't protect them as well, that's... a lot."
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-11-08 04:57 pm (UTC)(link)
"I feel like I need to just emphasise that there was absolutely nothing in what I did last night. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't blind drunk. I haven't done the casual hookup thing in a very long time. It..." Alec went quiet briefly, leaving the face cloth draped over his face for a few more moments before he took it away. "It always felt like I was cheating on you when I went to do it. Can't say I ever really got closure when we split up. I just buried my head in the sand and tried not to think about it. You know, all the healthy ways of dealing with a problem that psychs suggest to everyone else and don't practice themselves. Hearing you say this stuff out loud, I think I'm realising that I probably subconsciously assumed I missed the boat on all that stuff. Not quite a lot cause but not far off. I let you slip through my fingers twice when there has legitimately never been anyone else that I've loved. Is it weird that I can't really imagine myself as a dad? Like, I see Jim and Sparky doing it and they fucking rock at it, even if most of the time, they feel the opposite. You just have to look at their kids to know. Sammy's pretty much a walking perfect dad without having had the opportunity to have it. It's just daunting to get my head around. Granted, I concede that I can thank the hangover for that, at least a little. But I'm promise, I'm not against having all the deep and difficult conversations with you. We should've prioritised that all along and maybe we would've had a better idea of how to navigate everything. I'm really glad you're here. Especially today." He reached for Kade's hand with a faint smile.
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[personal profile] circlesofthemind 2023-11-10 12:31 pm (UTC)(link)
"Like I've been hit by a Mack truck. I'll take this as karmic punishment." Alec rested his head on Kade's shoulder and took his hand, holding it in his lap. "Sammy froze his sperm, you know. Before he started chemo. He and Alexis had to jumps some massive hurdles together to make decisions they didn't even know they should make when Justin was in a bad way. Which was hard, because when they broached the subject of maybe, possibly, having the option of a kid together in the future, Jus wasn't ready to deal with it. He made it clear he wasn't against it or had any feelings against it, he just wasn't ready to process the thought his mum could have a kid with his uncle and do all the things with that kid he, himself, had stolen from him. He said that wasn't his mum or Sam's burden, it was his and he just needed time. So, when we found out Sammy was sick and needed chemo, it threw it all up prematurely and he wasn't going to do it. The sperm thing, he was going to just write it all off as a missed boat. Alexis said she would stand by him whatever he chose but something like that, it's never that simple, you know? Sammy said they both came to the decision together to do it as a 'just in case'. Which sounds really nice. After you told me last time we were alone together in a room, and probably should've talked more rather than sleeping together, how sick you got and spent a long time in hospital, I haven't been able to stop thinking about these sorts of things and I... fuck, K, I should've been there for you when you were sick. I get why you didn't want me to know but I'll never forgive myself that we weren't together and I wasn't there for you, that you had to go it alone. Like, how are you now with it? Be honest. I didn't know if I was reading you wrong in that you seem tired or maybe even a bit weakened? You were leaning against the wall back in the ER and then you did the same in the elevator up here. While we're having these tough conversation, I want this to be one of them. What was your long term prognosis? Are there any health complications? You're still fit and toned, trust me, I wouldn't have not noticed that. Just because we weren't together, didn't mean I had the power to stop perving on you."

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