dreamlikenewyork | "Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

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"Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

Who: Kade King and Alec Campbell
What: Shitstorm of Family Matters
Where: Sydney, AU
When: After this

Kade poured the bottle of chilled spring water from he mini bar fridge into a glass. He set it down on the nightstand by the sprawling king sized bed and collected the stainless steel bin from the bathroom, bringing it through and placing it on the floor by the bed with a mumbled sigh of, "Don't know what the fuck I'm even doing..."

Against his better judgement and the practical little voice in his head telling him not to, once Alec finished barfing up everything he had eaten in a week in hospital carpark, Kade suggested to Alec they fork out for a room in the hotel nextdoor to the hospital so Alec could lie down and try to sleep off the hangover for a couple of hours so he could get his head back in the game for his family. Kade planned to just leave him there in his own misery but both Sam and Ava's pointed words to both of them to sort their shit out was swirling around his head. Plus, no matter how pissed off he was, his conscience wouldn't let him leave Alec while he was feeling this rough.

Alec was lying on the bed where he gingerly sunk himself onto as soon as Kade opened the door to the room with the swipe card. Kade went back to the bathroom and wet one of the face cloths, coming back and handing it to Alec. Then he sat on the side of the bed, swiping a hand over his face. The anger had dissipated inside him and now he wasn't even sure what he was feeling, let alone what he should be feeling. Whatever it was, it was hard not to feel like it was the end of a very long road, one that he had encountered nothing but dead-ends on lately. He really thought he was done. There had been a glimmer of hope after they slept together in the midst of trying to talk their shit out after he came to the hospital to offer the Campbells his support, but yet again, Alec gave nothing. Kade was sick to fucking death of nothing.

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Kade left the tea to steep a little longer because they both preferred it strong and finished taking Alec's shoes off for him, dropping them next to his own boots. "I don't know if it was ever going to work, Al. I've had a lot of time to think about it and I just don't think we nurtured it how we needed to in the early days. Which has nothing to do with how stressed you were about your family. I'm going to keep underscoring that. I would never want anything but for you to put them as a priority, especially Justin. You made that promise to him and that was a part of you that made me fall in love with you so hard all over again back then. It's still a part of you I admire beyond what words can say, it'll never not be. But I wanted to be at your side with it. The more I tried, the more you pulled away. When I asked you about compassion fatigue, you went for the jugular. You didn't want to hear it, like you somehow felt me asking if it was a possibility was suggesting you couldn't cope helping take care of Justin. We should probably talk about that. You admit it now but why did you go at me when I asked? These are things we need to hash out before I can answer that question. I'd need to know we have staying power, what the future might hold. Otherwise, it's not worth the risk again. It's just not."

"I don't think I really knew how to nurture much of anything back then. For all I knew about PTSD and how it presents in combat, a severely suicidal kid with C-PTSD who just walked into the fucking ocean to drown himself was a whole other ball game. Clinically, it wasn't out of my depth but emotionally as an uncle still trying to get to know his nephew, I was. I think I was traumatised after what happened at Bondi myself, that it happened on my watch. It came back to bite me in the arse down the track once I was burnt out and by then, we were pretty much over. You told me you weren't coming back. I just buried myself in more work at the hospital because Justin was doing a lot better after he met Sash and they were getting serious. It was surreal to watch a couple of kids not even in their twenties yet nailing it and somehow, I fucked it all up in my relationship. But I couldn't see it as compassion fatigue back then. That was something I was always weirdly so conscious of but it felt like something other people got in practice and this was with my own family. It was hard to admit to. I was pissed off at you by proxy, when I should've been pissed off at myself for not dealing with the guilt of watching Justin be pulled from the surf at Bondi and never taking precautions to protect my own mental state while I took care of my family. The dumbest part of all is that if I just let you in more, it might not have gotten so tough and affected me how it did, leading to me sabotaging what we had." Alex unzipped his fly and propped himself up on his elbows to try to get his jeans off but as soon as he was no longer horizontal, he ended up in a wave of dry retching when the nausea returned with a vengeance so he dropped back down again with a groan. The heaviness of the topic was probably contributing to his unsettled guts because he wasn't sure he'd ever fully shed the guilt with Justin and what happened with Kade.

"Hey, take it easy. Let me help you." Kade put the trash can on the bed beside Alec in case he needed it and tugged his jeans off for him so he didn't have to sit up or move too much. After folding the jeans and putting them on the sofa, he came back and tucked a couple of the spare pillow behind Alec so he could sit up just a little if he wanted to give the peppermint tea a shot. He poured them both a cup of tea from the different pots and put Alec's cup and saucer on the nightstand. It might prove still too adventurous for him but it was there if he wanted it. Carefully, he sat on the vacant spot on the bed by Alec, but sitting up with a pillow behind him so he could have his tea. "I still struggle with that day at Bondi too. I have nightmares about Justin's save. I really didn't think we'd get him back. It was just a split second of action that was the difference between life and death. Even then, we didn't know if there'd be any cerebral hypoxia or even brain death. All this shit was somehow racing through my head as it was happening, all the while knowing he was Mark's. He was your nephew. I don't know if I knew how to talk to you about it either. I never wanted to pry open the raw wounds around the plain fact that the poor kid nearly ended his life like that. I was only ever used to accidents or emergencies, not... it was just such a harsh way to do it. I could never get my head around what would get him to that place, even if rationally I know the simple answer is mental illness. But he's your nephew, I wanted to understand more. It was just another source of distance between us, I guess. I'm not looking for you to shoulder all the blame. I think we equally contributed and not intentionally. It was a situation neither of us ever had to deal with before. We should've leaned on each other. I hear that's what a relationship is all about."

Alec picked up the cup, even if he was just nursing it in his hands without having any yet and answered with a resolute nod. "Without breaching his confidentiality on things he's disclosed to me, he's resorted to some awful ways to self-harm. It's never a rational choice, it's what's available to him when the urge gets too strong. It can be a very fine line between ideation and intent. He was very sick that day at Bondi but he knew what he was doing. And by knew, I mean, he wanted to stop living and that was one of many ways he considered it in those preceding days. If it wasn't the beach, it would've been something else. It's really just as simple that he was very sick and it exacerbated more quickly than anyone realised. Have you spoken to a psychologist about any of this? Even just one appointed through work? I know those resources are there for you. It's no shame to use them as much as you need. The memories could be with you for a long time, you might need strategies to manage it. Have you spoken to him at all recently? Prior to the accident, I mean. I just realised I don't even know if you kept in touch with him after we..." He made a little gesture with his fingers, not really wanting to say it out loud anymore. "You can always talk to me about it. Those wounds, I don't think they ever quite heal for me. In a lot of ways, I don't want them to because it helps me connect with him. I made that promise to him the day we met, that I would hold on tight to anything he wanted to tell me, so he never had to repeat anything that was too hard. Would it help if I talked to you about my feelings around all that? Maybe compartmentalising isn't the answer."

"Not recently. I was seeing one for awhile but it started to feel like I was just rehashing the bad stuff. It was easier to just bury it away and get on with the job. I'm sure there's probably some way to psych-evaluate even that choice but it is what it is. The sticking point was always that... I just feel like I distracted you that day, took your eye off the ball, so to speak. It was the first time we'd seen each other in years and the first thing we do is snog like no time has passed at all. Again, sure there's capacity for psych evaluation but seeing as I know that wasn't one-sided and seems to be a thing with us, it feels like it shouldn't be a problem. But clearly it is because we're still here, trying to sort this shit out, meaning there's shit to sort out. That's the part I get stuck on, though. Am I just too much of a distraction for you when you need to be focused on your family?" It was a massive thing for Kade to finally get out there, to put into words and finally hand to Alec. That one thing that kept churning over and over in his head, born of that moment when they were kissing each other at Bondi like no one else in the world existed, right at the moment Justin walked into a rip fully-clothed to drown himself, when moments before, Alec had been sitting on the sand with Justin and watching him. He exhaled heavily, not realising he was taking in such a deep breath to get the words out, and took a mouthful of his tea, holding it in his mouth and keeping his eyes locked on the cup in his hands. Maybe he just needed the answer he didn't want to this, to get closure for everything. He really didn't know anymore.

"It's hard not to feel that sort of guilt in situations like this, K. I've felt it too and had to do a lot of checking myself when I catch myself doing it. The mistake was mine, though, not yours. You only knew after the fact that what happened wasn't an accident, how severely mentally ill Justin was. You might've known who he was and that he was Mark's, but you only found out more in the days that followed. I remember, because you kept asking me at the hospital when you came to visit him why he was near the water dressed like that and how he fell in. You didn't see him go in, you were only first on the scene getting him out. He hadn't slept in many days and even though he let me administer a sedative to him the night before, he only agreed to half-strength and made me promise I wouldn't have him hauled off to a psych unit while he slept. He barely got a few hours. You can't forget, this was in the wake of him disclosing his long-term sexual abuse when he was a kid and Mark and Gen's marriage was failing, causing them to break promises to him. He was in the wake of two suicide attempts and down the track now, we know he had plans for another, but Reecy intervened and he bolted to get on a plane to his grandparents in Sydney. Everything was a mess. I'd met him literally the day before, so I was a stranger to him. It was just one of those tough reminders for my family that there are going to be days it's really tough and we won't always know what to do. That was one of those days for me, I didn't know him well enough yet and underestimated how severely suicidal he was. You weren't a distraction. You've never been a distraction. You're the only person I've ever been in love with and I hate that I made you feel like that didn't mean something." Alec looked at the surface of the tea and put the cup to his lips, the aroma of peppermint filled his nose and thankfully didn't immediately turn his stomach so he had a few small sips. "If you weren't there that day, K, we might've lost him. He might not have been pulled out and revived quickly enough, or he might've tried another way he succeeded with. He still tells people to this day it was his honorary uncle that saved his life at Bondi. He still sees you as family because you are."

It was strange, but Kade felt a sense of quiet relief settle over him listening to Alec talk about these things. They were probably the hardest subjects they could be going over but it wasn't about that. It was just the fact they were talking at all, without the tension and without the weird distance that had been between them since they broke up. After the horrible Bondi event, when he and Alec decided to resume the relationship they had initially began when they were in high school, he really thought they'd go the distance that time. But they both severely underestimated the impact those events at Bondi would have. But they didn't talk enough. Not even nearly enough. This was a conversation they should've had long ago. "Is that how unwell he is again now? Is it that level? I known you haven't actually seen him but from what I was hearing, it was really bad." He watched Alec with his tea, but so far she seemed to be tolerating it okay. "What about you? Can you still see me as family or is this all a waste of time?"

Alec pressed his fingers to his temple and as reluctant as he was, had to nod. "I'd say we're not far off. He hasn't really been very stable since Sash woke but anyone would be emotional in his shoes. His mood has been tanking but he was being as much of a trooper as he could for Sash but every time he has to re-face that Sash doesn't remember they're together, it's like another blow. He might not be too bad come morning with the drugs likely administered but I don't think the situation is that optimistic. I don't think he'll bounce back from this psychosis very easily. If I had to make a guess how I think things will go based off of how he's been, I'd say I'm expecting his mood to crash into a bad depressive episode. It could go the complete opposite and tip into a manic episode but I don't think so. If he doesn't bounce back, they might choose to keep him in psych, which could impact on his physical rehab. There are a lot of ways this could play out but I think he's going to be unwell for a few days at the very least, until he knows Mark's out of danger." He put the cup of tea back down and took Kade's hand, tongue tracing over his lips nervously. "I want us to try again. Differently this time. I never wanted you out of my life and I've missed you every damn day. But I'd truly get it if you're not interested or don't trust me. But it will be different, I promise you that. I'd put money on house out NYC right now if I thought it would help. I want this. I want you."

"You've been there for him whenever he needs, then. Still, no matter how much you love him, I know more than anyone that you're not immune to shouldering too much to try to take care of your family. Do you want to talk about how you are, how it's been since the crash? Or, at the very least, promise me there's someone you can talk to while you're being what your family needs to lean on right now. Because contrary to how it seems, I care about you all so fucking much and all I really wanted back then was to be your support while you were everyone else's. You don't have a diagnosis of PTSD but you've still seen many horrible things and supported others trying to do with the horrible things they've been through. But your family? You would sacrifice yourself for them. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough in New York to go to the distance but a lot has changed and I want us to have another chance. I trust you with my life, alright? Of course I'm fucking interested. I never stopped being interested, I was just hurt because I thought you weren't. It felt like you didn't need me and hadn't needed me in a long time." Kade put his cup down too and offered his hand for Alec to take if he wanted to. "Think you can keep some Panadol down now? I've got some in my wallet."

Despite how he was feeling, Alec still managed a faint smile at the offered hand and took it without hesitation. "This latest? I'm still trying to get my head around. It's about a billion times harder with a hangover. Justin hasn't been mentally stable but he's been conscious of it and managed well clinically. After such a horrible ordeal, no one would expect him to be stable. His ups and downs haven't been extreme, though, and he's been asking for me a lot, even if he didn't always engage once I got there. For Jus, not engaging is a symptom so I could still monitor his progress. A lot of it was related to Mark's relapse with booze and Sash not waking, then not being himself once he was awake. If you factor that in, Jus has actually done really, really well, all things considered. But Mark... fuck, he's not dealt well with hearing Sammy has cancer and, well, he overdosed on some prescription meds, which led to him ultimately being diagnosed with Bipolar II after an emergency psych assessment. It's been on my radar for a little while, that maybe we were dealing with something more than cyclothymia with him but it all came to a head when Sammy was sick. But it means Mark has been fractured emotionally himself and Justin hasn't coped well Mark drinking again. Justin always blames himself. It's been hard with the people I love hurting so much. And lonely. Everyone's dealing with so much and even though we've all be on-hand to help and doing what we can, we've been like ships passing in the night. The night out with my RAAF mates, I wasn't going to go. Mark told me to, to chill out for a bit. I know even if I was there, this still would've happened. It's easy to fear Mark might've had a drink but I know my brother, and I know how he both parents his kids but also how his addiction exhibits because of them. If he knew he had to be there for Jus getting up from the wheelchair for the first time, there's no way he would've drunk, not even if he had cravings. He knows his relationship with his son is fragile even at the best of times. I just wish there was more I could do. Panadol would be good, babe. Any shot had feeling something that resembles human again." He squeeze Kade's hand. "I always needed you. That was never it. Not even remotely. My feelings for you have never changed. Other shit just took my eye off the ball."

Kade reached over and grabbed his wallet, plucking the strip of pills from the side pocket he kept a couple of condoms too. He popped the pills from the pack and took Alec's hand again, dropping them into his palm. "So, did you chill out or did you just get blinded so you didn't have to think about everything for awhile. Because that's a lot of stress and I know you shoulder it with your family but you see it all through a psych's eyes. You can't separate that. Even now, you're explaining what's been happening but bypassing telling me how it's making you feel. One of your brother's is going through cancer treatment and the other has had another mental breakdown. But I won't take it personally. I know that you deal with your feelings in a really complicated way because of the training you've had. Maybe a night out on the piss is exactly what you needed but I don't know if that sort of thing has ever helped you. We all have our breaking points. I guess I'm just checking to see if you're close to yours and even if you're not, if there's anything I can do to help. I know we've go a lot to work through and we don't have to do it now. Maybe you should just try to get some sleep and we take the next steps when you're feeling so crap." Once Alec had the pills, Kade touched the backs of his fingers to Alec's cheek. "Is there anything I can do to help? Besides hangover remedies, I mean."

"Bit of both, I think. Definitely not intentionally. I was going to head home after a few and get a bit of work done on a research paper I'm working on. We all knew Jus had the physio trial today to see if he could tolerate holding himself up on the bars to get slight weight-bearing on his legs started. Very, very early days of a long road but he's been working his arse off with upper body strengthening. That obviously meant there was a chance he couldn't handle it, so we'd prepared for that. Once I was out with my mates, it was easy to disconnect temporarily. Even though they asked me how Justin and Sash were getting on, we didn't talk about anything else about my family. Just reminiscing about old times and all that. There really was absolutely nothing in that drunken hook up. I just want you to know that, even though I'm sure it looks otherwise. I just want you to know what." Alec put the pills in his mouth and washed them down with a sip of tea. He closed his eyes for a lingering few moments and sighed. "It's easier to explain how other people are feeling. It's easier to make sure other people are holding up the best they can when things are stressful or traumatic. And fuck know, it's not like either is foreign to my family. But this is actually the first time I've been physically present when both Sammy and Sparky's lives have been on the line. Like, really on the line. I know Sammy's getting treatment and it's a highly treatable form of cancer, and Sparky's getting the psych help he needs to get back on top of things but I'm really scared. That there's a chance we could lose them, or they could lose each other. Our family does a really great job of protecting each other but when the forces are beyond your control, it's a whole other ball game. I have this heavy ache in my gut that there's going to be some straw that breaks a camel's back and my family will never be the same again. And if I'm honest, it doesn't feel different to the pain when I lost you. That's probably why I've been struggling every time I see you lately. There's something you can do... you're already doing it. Hearing me out, giving me a chance to try to explain."

After he put his cup down again, Kade shifted to lie down on his side facing Alec. This time, he didn't hesitate in touching him, brushing his fingers through Alec's hair and then caressing his cheek. "That's not what I'm doing. It's not about needing you to explain, even if that definitely helps to alleviate my fear that we were doomed to ever co-exist amicably. I'm just trying to remind you that it's okay for you to be vulnerable too and it's okay if you're not okay all the time because you're family needs help. You're there for them when they break, so I'm here for you. Not to judge you getting pissed as a fart or having a random fuck while you were. I don't care about that. It's not like I thought you'd be celibate without me. I'm sick of fighting against you, Al. Nothing's ever felt natural about that. I don't have all the answers. Fuck, I don't even want all the answers. I want us to take time to figure them out together, over time. I just hope you know it's okay to be scared about all that with me and that you can talk to me about it when it gets too much. Even then, I don't need you to be fucking perfect at it, either. In fact, I think, as a psych, you're probably going to suck at it for awhile. But this time, rather than pulling the plug, let's just keep going? Come here..." He took Alec's cup from him too, putting it next to his own, and coaxed Alec to come lie in his arms. "I don't want to be a reason you're hurting, when everything else in your life is doing that already."

Alec nodded, catching himself off guard when he teared up and a lump of emotion caught in his throat, probably a culmination of life fucking his family royally recently. "Keeping going is something I think I'm pretty skilled at, if nothing else. The irony that I don't actually have Campbell blood in my veins but still managed to inherit the workaholic tendencies and cluelessness about commitment. I'm so sorry, K. For all that shit." He let himself sink into the familiar warmth of Kade's embrace and appreciate the closeness. He was kind of relieved that he was hungover because it prevented him getting aroused and giving into the sexual desire that never faltered for Kade since the day they first slept together in high school. If there was at least a minute silver lining to a raging hangover, this could be it. He didn't want that to be a distraction this time, even though he figured that if they really did start the process of working things out today, they'd probably end up having make-up sex when he was feeling better. He slid his hand beneath Kade's shirt to caress his back. "But I just... sorry, but my head keeps going back to how homesick you were in NY and that it just wasn't somewhere you felt settled or content. Is that what you're saying, you want to try again to move over there indefinitely, if we can live out of the city and maybe near some water? I don't want to make any promises based on maybes anymore but that's... it's where I live now. It's where I need to be and I don't foresee returning to Sydney on a permanent basis anymore. I'm happy living near all my brothers and my nephews, being part of their lives."

"I know and I understand. I hate that I ever made you think I didn't. It's what I want too. If you can give me another chance to settle over there, meet me in the middle. It might not be easy and I know we'll both need to make some sacrifices, but I think we're worth it. Don't you?" Kade kissed Alec's temple and started to rub his back. He didn't care how hungover he was and clearly in more of a unkempt mess than he'd been in ages, his feelings for Kade were as strong as ever. The older you got, the more tangled and complicated your emotional webs were but if you were lucky enough to find someone you still loved since you were literal kids (they lost their virginities to each other after Kade's 15th birthday party which, at the time, made him decide he never wanted to have anal sex again, ironically), it was fucking worth fighting for. "No promises. Let's not make any of those, either of us. We don't know what the future holds and that's where promises belong. Plus, your mantra as a psych is to take each day, one at a time, and it's a valid on. Save for just one... we promise to talk to each other if we're feeling like something's not working. That's all. Doesn't matter what it is, we make the time to talk about it and not keep each other in the dark, hoping it might just go away. Things that need to be talked about never just go away. I won't rush anything like giving my resignation at work or anything until you know when Jus and Sash can get back to the States. But if you want to start trying put the pieces back together with me now, then I'm here."

"Yeah, of course I do. There's never fucking been anyone else, K. No one had a chance of coming close. I know you think that's just because of my demanding job and being in Defence all those years but it's not. I'm not scared of what's hard or complicated. Logistics fucked us over, I get that. It was just hard for me to see a solution that didn't mean you would be forced to hurt. That's the reason I never asked you not to go, or never asked you to stay. And I won't. But I hope it at least helps a little to have some context on that, that it wasn't because I didn't want you to stay. I couldn't, in my own conscience, ask you to do something that was hurting you. But I also couldn't offer to go back with you because I will always stand by the promises I made to Justin and Mark, to protect Justin's life with all the tools I have." Alec paused and had to put his hand to his mouth when a wave of nausea swelled again. He took a few moments to breathe through it and then swallowed it back. "Sorry, this nausea's a stubborn bitch. I can't remember the last time I felt this crook. Maybe I'm going out in sympathy for Sparky and Sammy. Fucking happy hour booze. If we can meet in the middle on that, and you really do think you can be okay trying to live in the States again, then I'll do whatever I can to try to make this work this time. But I just want to apologise in advance for the times that gets tough and strains us, because it will. Overall, Jus has honed his coping mechanisms like a fine art but I don't know what's going to happen if his recovery is impeded or Sash's brain injury means he never recovers capacity to be in a relationship with Jus. That's what we're all trying to brace for. For us, though? For our relationship, I'll make sure I'm nurturing it just as much and being present for you. I just might stumble sometimes but feel free to call me out on it, and rub my nose in this very conversation to remind me."

Kade watched Alex closely for a few moment, ready to spring out of the way if he was going to throw up again but it seemed like the worst of it was hopefully starting to pass. "Do you need me to go get you something for it? There'll be a chemist nearby somewhere, this close to a hospital. It's cool, I don't mind. Just say the word if you need it, babe. I know you didn't want me hurting, Al. Despite the fact we were shit at navigating a relationship, I didn't think any choices you made were for the purpose of hurting me. That much, despite how hard it was, I'm glad of. We didn't actually do anything hurtful to each other. I doubt we even said anything hurtful about each other. I know I didn't. I still bloody loved you, for fuck's sake. And I know you, that's not what you're about. Which I guess is why we can be here in a room together to try to sort out shit out - thanks, Sam - without tearing strips off each other. But in a lot of ways, maybe the split would've been easier if we had. For what's it's worth, I never actively made a decision not to communicate with you. I was just trying to give you the space you needed to deal with your family stuff. Which we keep coming back to, so let me also say that, I adore your family like they're my own and even through the hard stuff, I still love them all like crazy too. Hell, I even thought for a bit there, I'd officially be part of your family one day. Nothing else was wrong with us. That frustrated the fuck out of me. If we can fix the logistical shit, I think we need to make some sort of promise to stop and smell the roses together more, too. So, it's not all work and no play. And before you let your head run with that too far, it was your nephew that told me that sucking at that meant you would suck everything else too... and he was right, wasn't he?" He still remembered that particular conversation with Justin. Just jokingly, Kade asked him what his secret was to making a relationship work when he had so much else infiltrating his life and Justin hadn't hesitated in saying it was because he and Sash did something every single day just for them, that only included them. Even the days either of them were sick, they still made the space and time for something together. It truly stuck with Kade, especially after he and Alec split. "Whatever happens, I want to be there to help. Hell, if they think my skills with aquatic therapy might help either of them, I'm there, no questions asked. I know Justin has an affinity with the water, he equates it with peace. Something else I asked him about too, why he chose to take his life like that. He said that in the moment, it made more sense to him than anything in his life, to end his torment with peace. I aspire to be as wise as that kid when I'm maybe, oh, in my 90s on my death bed, if I'm lucky."

"No, I want you to stay right here. We've got too much lost time to make up for. I'll try and tackle the tea again soon." Leaning back a little so he could see Kade's face, Alec softly stroked his fingers across Kade's brow and caressed his cheek. It felt a bit strange to be this close to him again but it felt right at a time when little else in his life came close to feeling like that. There was no quick fix but they were slotting the first broken piece of them together back into place. The other pieces would soon follow, hopefully. "Do you really think we were shit at navigating a relationship? Inherently, I don't think we were that shit. Not really. Like, if Sparky can manage to resurrect his marriage, I don't think we're a lost cause. We have to work together, though. That's the only way he and Gen saved what they had and we don't have a kid relying on us to get it right. Wait, do you mean you thought we'd get married some day? Shit, I don't think that's something we ever talked about but... it's what you'd want? My family never stopped thinking of you as one of us either, you know. That's not just because our mums are good friends. Hey, my nephew's a smart cookie. I'd say he gets it from me but that's all him. If you're being all Dumbledore in your 90s on your death bed, I want to be there with you. But first, I need to take a slash."

He patted Kade's hip before he struggled to stiffly pull himself up, which inevitably caused his head to spin. There was nothing elegant about the way he sort of flopped off the side of the bed, feeling Kade put his hand on his back to help him, and it was more like a zig-zaggy stumble to the bathroom than a purposeful walk. Before he even got to the bathroom door, though, his stomach was lurching in protest and he threw a hand out to hold himself up on the wall with a groaned, "Oh god." The last few paces were an unsteady dash to the toilet, which he made in the nick of time. Resuming a vertical position hadn't been a good idea at all. There had to have been tequila or absinthe shots on the menu last night to get him in this state. It wasn't like a few Death Drop shots hadn't been consumed during many a wild night of his military days. He was going to have to grill his mates by text later to find out just WTF happened.

Kade followed Alec into the bathroom and wet a face cloth for him and sat on the edge of the bath. "You're not going to show up in any interesting Instagram Reels of you doing nudie runs along the Harbour foreshore or anything, are there? Because you had to have been fucking shitfaced to be this sick, babe," he said with a laugh, rubbing Alec's back while he strenuously ralphed in the toilet again. There was plenty of sympathy for how shit he was feeling but the piss-pulling at his expense was inevitable. They'd all been on the receiving end of some good Aussie piss-pulling after a heavy night out on the booze. They were just a lot younger in those days. Once Alec seemed done with this round - for now - he handed him the damp cloth so he could wipe his face and filled one of the glasses sitting on the shelf with water from the tap so he could rinse his mouth. "No, I don't really think we were shit at the relationship thing. We were just shit at communicating. I mean... yeah, when Mark and Gen got remarried, then Sash proposed to Justin, it made me wonder if we could do it too. Not that I think we'd ever have a traditional marriage but I like the thought of it. Maybe even like to have a kid someday too. Not saying in the immediate future, but as a future goal, for sure. How that's supposed to look, I'm not fully sure. Adoption and surrogacy are options. I know we never really had those conversations... So cool to hear about Kyan and Reecy. Must've been a surprise. I know Reecy didn't want to get pregnant again because she had serious complications in the past but things change in life."

Sitting back from the toilet, Alec slumped against the glass wall of the shower and accepted the facecloth and glass of water, groaning. "Just rub it in, why don't you. Don't I get at least a few sympathy points for the fact it's been ages since I had anything more than a couple of beers, let alone a full night out on the piss? The Death Drops probably sounded like a good idea after a few vokda and cokes. No nudie runs. My RAAF mates and I will always have each other's backs, thank fuck." He pressed the cloth to his face with both hands, sighing heavily at how nice the coolness felt against his flushed skin. "Do you think marriage complicates things? I'm not asking that to be a smart arse. I agree, it looks nice. But it seems like some people are made for it and others aren't. Or maybe it just doesn't work with the wrong match. Like, even just with my brothers, I've got different levels of arguments for and against it. Then there's my folks, who have been going strong for nearly fifty years. I've never been able to figure out where I fit on that scale. I've only ever been in love with one person and I still managed to fuck that up. Being a therapist, it's difficult not to overanalyse and psychoanalyse things. Kids, though? Damn, I feel like that's something I shouldn't be hungover thinking about. I'm a bit terrified to think how I'd be as a dad, responsible for a tiny person who relies on you for everything. Then when they're not so tiny and you can't protect them as well, that's... a lot."

Kade patted Alec's shoulder with a smirk. "You're welcome, babe. Always happy to help rub the sting of a good hangover in a bit. Death Drops? No additional sympathy for that, hell no. They were barely tolerable in our early twenties and now we won't see the healthy side of 30 again, so you were playing with fire, love. I don't know how anyone can drink that shite. Voddy, tequila, and absinthe mixed together is the work of the devil. How you didn't spew it all back up immediately is beyond me but you still pushed on to get laid, so your stamina doesn't seem affected." He would be lying if he wasn't at least slightly wondering about the guy Alec slept with but he wasn't a masochist. He didn't need to know and it really didn't matter. If they went to be tonight back together, Alec was still free to do what - and who - he liked last night. "I don't fucking doubt for a minute marriage complicates things. It just seems to me, though, that a good marriage would be worth the challenges. It means you're not in the small stuff alone. Don't get me wrong, it's not a deal breaker. People don't have to get married to be committed. It just seems that, well, queer people can get married here now, so why not? Unless there's glaring reasons why not to do it, well... why not? An easier out if it goes wrong, maybe, but divorce is hardly the equivalent of slaying a dragon these days and your brother is a solicitor who could push it through easier than doing a Maccas run on a Saturday night. We don't have to talk about it all now. This is just my way of saying that if we get back together, part of that process for me is that we're going to have to talk about these things. We promise to communicate better, then I mean about everything. So, I just want to begin to put it out there that I think I do want kids some day. Or even just one kid. I want to be a dad. Even if it takes us years to talk some of the shit through, we have to start somewhere."

"I feel like I need to just emphasise that there was absolutely nothing in what I did last night. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't blind drunk. I haven't done the casual hookup thing in a very long time. It..." Alec went quiet briefly, leaving the face cloth draped over his face for a few more moments before he took it away. "It always felt like I was cheating on you when I went to do it. Can't say I ever really got closure when we split up. I just buried my head in the sand and tried not to think about it. You know, all the healthy ways of dealing with a problem that psychs suggest to everyone else and don't practice themselves. Hearing you say this stuff out loud, I think I'm realising that I probably subconsciously assumed I missed the boat on all that stuff. Not quite a lot cause but not far off. I let you slip through my fingers twice when there has legitimately never been anyone else that I've loved. Is it weird that I can't really imagine myself as a dad? Like, I see Jim and Sparky doing it and they fucking rock at it, even if most of the time, they feel the opposite. You just have to look at their kids to know. Sammy's pretty much a walking perfect dad without having had the opportunity to have it. It's just daunting to get my head around. Granted, I concede that I can thank the hangover for that, at least a little. But I'm promise, I'm not against having all the deep and difficult conversations with you. We should've prioritised that all along and maybe we would've had a better idea of how to navigate everything. I'm really glad you're here. Especially today." He reached for Kade's hand with a faint smile.

"You don't have to justify it, babe. I genuinely mean that. It's a non-issue. You got pissed and had a drunken funk with some bloke. So what? I probably would've done the same thing. Just so long as it's definitely a non-entity you fucked, I'm cool with it. It's not like you don't have plenty on your plate to need some stress relief. Probably would've been more effective without the Death Drop shots, though. Last night was our past, today is our now. That's all that matters." Kade moved over to Alec, gently stroking his hand over his head before sitting down beside him. Keeping each other company in the bathroom when either of them were sick wasn't new for them. For all that went wrong, they really did get some of the relationship things really right when they trusted themselves. Caring for each other definitely wasn't an issue. "I guess not getting closure is something we can use in our favour going forward. Not all was lost. Sam thought he missed the boat too and now he and Alexis are engaged. The narrative we construct in our heads isn't always accurate. Pretty sure we all get ourselves wrong more than we do right. But I disagree that you let me slip through your fingers. I was always here. It was never game over, it just felt like it. Look, I'm not suggesting we get hitched tomorrow and sign up for all the adoption or surrogacy agencies we find on Google. I just want you to know that committing to you, having a family with you, making a life with you... it' all things I've envisaged and could never quite let go of deep down. I just tried to bury it because I was hurting. Is it something you think there's a chance you might be into too? I'm not saying this has to be my way or the highway. I don't think you realise just how much I'd sacrifice to have you back in my life, back in my arms. We get to work out together what that looks like and I'm sure it'll take time to figure out. How are you feeling now, love? I think you've probably managed to get most of it out of your system."

"Like I've been hit by a Mack truck. I'll take this as karmic punishment." Alec rested his head on Kade's shoulder and took his hand, holding it in his lap. "Sammy froze his sperm, you know. Before he started chemo. He and Alexis had to jumps some massive hurdles together to make decisions they didn't even know they should make when Justin was in a bad way. Which was hard, because when they broached the subject of maybe, possibly, having the option of a kid together in the future, Jus wasn't ready to deal with it. He made it clear he wasn't against it or had any feelings against it, he just wasn't ready to process the thought his mum could have a kid with his uncle and do all the things with that kid he, himself, had stolen from him. He said that wasn't his mum or Sam's burden, it was his and he just needed time. So, when we found out Sammy was sick and needed chemo, it threw it all up prematurely and he wasn't going to do it. The sperm thing, he was going to just write it all off as a missed boat. Alexis said she would stand by him whatever he chose but something like that, it's never that simple, you know? Sammy said they both came to the decision together to do it as a 'just in case'. Which sounds really nice. After you told me last time we were alone together in a room, and probably should've talked more rather than sleeping together, how sick you got and spent a long time in hospital, I haven't been able to stop thinking about these sorts of things and I... fuck, K, I should've been there for you when you were sick. I get why you didn't want me to know but I'll never forgive myself that we weren't together and I wasn't there for you, that you had to go it alone. Like, how are you now with it? Be honest. I didn't know if I was reading you wrong in that you seem tired or maybe even a bit weakened? You were leaning against the wall back in the ER and then you did the same in the elevator up here. While we're having these tough conversation, I want this to be one of them. What was your long term prognosis? Are there any health complications? You're still fit and toned, trust me, I wouldn't have not noticed that. Just because we weren't together, didn't mean I had the power to stop perving on you."

Kade tucked his arm around Alec and started to softly massage the nape of his neck, kneading some of the knots of tension with his fingertips. He shook his head, letting out a low whistle. "Shit, I don't know what I would've done in that situation. Probably just done it if I wasn't ready to think too much about the future. The future's probably bloody terrifying to think about if you've been diagnosed with cancer. How's he holding up with the treatment? I don't blame him for chewing us out and telling us to get our shit together, but he didn't look so hot. The twin thing would be kicked into gear but it looked like more than that. He's lost weight since the last time I saw him. Knowing Sam, though, he's probably just trying to soldier on without being a bother to anyone. He and Alexis seem like a perfect match. Chelle would be over the moon for him. I remember him saying once he would never do the love thing again. Life, huh? What a bitch it can be." He probably should have anticipated that Alec would get back to asking about what Kade barely brushed over last time they were alone in a room together right before they had sex that probably just complicated fucking everything. "Yeah, I, um... I was diagnosed with Lupus. They put it down to inflammation influences after I was crook. Being hit with two serious viruses in a short space of time, just triggered something in my immune system. But it's mostly in remission at the moment. Just have flares of chronic pain and fatigue sometimes. It is what it is and part of the reason I had to seriously figured out what path to take with my career. With life, really. A lot of soul-searching. Shit happens."

"Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

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