dreamlikenewyork | "Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

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"Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

Who: Kade King and Alec Campbell
What: Shitstorm of Family Matters
Where: Sydney, AU
When: After this

Kade poured the bottle of chilled spring water from he mini bar fridge into a glass. He set it down on the nightstand by the sprawling king sized bed and collected the stainless steel bin from the bathroom, bringing it through and placing it on the floor by the bed with a mumbled sigh of, "Don't know what the fuck I'm even doing..."

Against his better judgement and the practical little voice in his head telling him not to, once Alec finished barfing up everything he had eaten in a week in hospital carpark, Kade suggested to Alec they fork out for a room in the hotel nextdoor to the hospital so Alec could lie down and try to sleep off the hangover for a couple of hours so he could get his head back in the game for his family. Kade planned to just leave him there in his own misery but both Sam and Ava's pointed words to both of them to sort their shit out was swirling around his head. Plus, no matter how pissed off he was, his conscience wouldn't let him leave Alec while he was feeling this rough.

Alec was lying on the bed where he gingerly sunk himself onto as soon as Kade opened the door to the room with the swipe card. Kade went back to the bathroom and wet one of the face cloths, coming back and handing it to Alec. Then he sat on the side of the bed, swiping a hand over his face. The anger had dissipated inside him and now he wasn't even sure what he was feeling, let alone what he should be feeling. Whatever it was, it was hard not to feel like it was the end of a very long road, one that he had encountered nothing but dead-ends on lately. He really thought he was done. There had been a glimmer of hope after they slept together in the midst of trying to talk their shit out after he came to the hospital to offer the Campbells his support, but yet again, Alec gave nothing. Kade was sick to fucking death of nothing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"... in New York?" Alec realised he probably sounded really dense and he was definitely feeling it. Part of the reason he wasn't a huge fan of booze these days was how incapacitating it could be on his mind. He didn't like not being at least mentally in control. Then again, he wanted to make extra sure he was following what Kade was saying because communication - or lack thereof - had fucked everything up before. "Shit, you've done so much since we split. I didn't even realise you'd gone back to study. You said you didn't think you ever wanted to practice after you got your BSc. You preferred to work in the water or at least near it. This is work that you'd e perfect for. But Will lives in New York and you pretty clearly you told me you hated it there. Wait, no. You didn't say that. I know you didn't. You just said you couldn't live there. It was too cold, too loud, and too claustrophobic."

Kade scrunched his nose up and gestured with his hand. "Well, maybe not directly in the city. Somewhere there's a little more green and fresh air but still commuting distance. Like where Sash's folks live or something. Bonus points if there's a slightly decent beach nearby too. Look, I haven't made any decisions and I certainly don't have it all mapped out. It's not how I like to live my life anyway. The point I'm trying to make is, if you just actually talked to me and stopped trying to push me out of your life, some of this painful shit might've been able to be avoided. Not the hangover. I mean, you're on your own with that, mate. I can give you tea and make sure you don't puke yourself to death but other than that, you're just going to have to ride the self-inflicted misery out. If you want to keep talking, then okay. I'll stick around. If you're not interested in anything I'm saying, then I'll leave and we can draw a line under it for good."

Alec put his hand on Kade's arm. "I want you to stay. I want to keep talking. Can absolutely not categorically promise there won't be more spewing but it won't be through lack of determination." Suddenly, he was feeling so many things inside and not so well equipped to identify and process them all. But he recognised that maybe in that maybe, it was enough to just know that Kade merely saying these simple things triggered all the feelings he thought he had buried deep down inside. Those same feelings had been were why he had been trying to avoid Kade and nudge him not out of the picture but enough into the sidelines that seeing him didn't hurt quite so much. He knew he what an arsehole he had been but he hadn't figured out a better way to let Kade be present for his family at this horrible time without it hurting so much. Whatever Kade had thought, Alec would never have pushed him out of his family's world and he never indicated that after they split. He knew there was still a connection and relationship with Kade and his family. That, ultimately, probably made the whole thing so messy whenever he was back in Sydney and this time, it was longer term, indefinitely, even. At least until Justin was well enough to travel back home. Even then, he would probably stay until Sash was well enough to be transferred to New York on a long haul international flight. But this? What Kade was saying? Felt like it changed fucking everything and that was a lot to absorb with a hangover. "Sammy and Alexis are going to buy a place midway between her work and his, around that area. They got engaged, you know. It definitely looked a lot more appealing than the concrete box that is New York, save for the giant patch in the middle. K, I wasn't pushing you out, I was pushing he pain out. There's a big difference. I never actually wanted you out of my life. Not now, not the times we lost each other before. I would've done anything to hold onto you forever, save for the one thing you needed me to do. Honestly, I struggled with compassion fatigue back then and I dropped the ball with you because I was trying so hard to hold onto the balls my family needed me to juggle with Jus and I wish none of it played out how it did. What I'm trying to get to is, my family life won't be different. If we... found some compromise, you could be content in a purpose over there, would it still be okay how much Justin needs me, sometimes for long stretches and without warning?"

Drawing his lower lip between his teeth, he looked down at Alec's hand on his arm and then nodded. "Okay. Then I'll stay." He stood up and took his jacket off, draping it over the arm of the two-seater sofa under the TV and toed his boots off, nudging them against the wall with his foot so Alec wouldn't trip on them if he needed to bolt to the shitter to spew again. Sitting back on the side of the bed, he started to unlace Alec's blue Converse high-tops. "Do you want to take your jeans off? Skinny jeans can't be helping your guts to settle. "Yeah? I didn't know Sammy popped the question. Good on him, she's a catch. Justin must've been stoked. A bit of happiness in amongst all the shit. I need you to really stop and really think when I asked you this next question. Really think. Not just emotionally and reflexively let your brain bounce back to when we split. Did I ever have an issue with you supporting your family and being part of Justin's primary care team, an issue with any of the time you spent being there for them...?"

There was a knock at the door then, so he got up to go accept the room service, leaving Alec with that significant question. The hotel worker brought the tray through with the two pots of tea and the plain toast with a side of butter he tacked on the end of the order, figuring Alec could eat it cold when he was feeling less pukey. He thanked the worker as they left and went over to they tray, lifting the lids of the teapots to see if they sent real tea or were stingy and just used bags.

Alec was going to answer with saying that Kade said the reason he went back home to Sydney and didn't return to New York was because Alec was so tied up with his family... until he realised that wasn't really what Kade said at all. Kade had said the reason he decided to stay in Sydney and break up wit Alec was that he was homesick because Alec was, granted, tied up with his family but all Kade wanted was a relationship that wasn't empty and one-sided. It was true, he had never said he had an issue with the support Alec was giving his family, he just wanted a place to fit into that too. There was a huge difference. "No, you didn't," he murmured, sinking back onto the pillows. "You only had an issue with being pushed away and not included, and I guess that can't even be called an 'issue'. It was valid and I shouldn't have just buried my head in the sand. When I realised just how difficult Justin finds trusting people to help him with the worst of his mental illnesses, and that he did actually let me in with it, I didn't want to let him down. But I was also terrified he'd complete on my watch. I still am. We all are. I think when you left, I was just trying to settle in to the vastly different life over there and misread you leaving as you not wanting to be in it all with me. The thing is, I wouldn't have blamed you, which is why I never pushed. Uprooting your entire life to another country is huge enough but to be all-in on family struggles like mine is a whole other ball game. I really thought the half-in, half-out thing would work for us. It would still give you connection to home and the water during the Aussie summer away from the shitty US winter. It was just too much distance, I get that now. Are you saying you want to try again? Just... not like that."

Kade left the tea to steep a little longer because they both preferred it strong and finished taking Alec's shoes off for him, dropping them next to his own boots. "I don't know if it was ever going to work, Al. I've had a lot of time to think about it and I just don't think we nurtured it how we needed to in the early days. Which has nothing to do with how stressed you were about your family. I'm going to keep underscoring that. I would never want anything but for you to put them as a priority, especially Justin. You made that promise to him and that was a part of you that made me fall in love with you so hard all over again back then. It's still a part of you I admire beyond what words can say, it'll never not be. But I wanted to be at your side with it. The more I tried, the more you pulled away. When I asked you about compassion fatigue, you went for the jugular. You didn't want to hear it, like you somehow felt me asking if it was a possibility was suggesting you couldn't cope helping take care of Justin. We should probably talk about that. You admit it now but why did you go at me when I asked? These are things we need to hash out before I can answer that question. I'd need to know we have staying power, what the future might hold. Otherwise, it's not worth the risk again. It's just not."

"I don't think I really knew how to nurture much of anything back then. For all I knew about PTSD and how it presents in combat, a severely suicidal kid with C-PTSD who just walked into the fucking ocean to drown himself was a whole other ball game. Clinically, it wasn't out of my depth but emotionally as an uncle still trying to get to know his nephew, I was. I think I was traumatised after what happened at Bondi myself, that it happened on my watch. It came back to bite me in the arse down the track once I was burnt out and by then, we were pretty much over. You told me you weren't coming back. I just buried myself in more work at the hospital because Justin was doing a lot better after he met Sash and they were getting serious. It was surreal to watch a couple of kids not even in their twenties yet nailing it and somehow, I fucked it all up in my relationship. But I couldn't see it as compassion fatigue back then. That was something I was always weirdly so conscious of but it felt like something other people got in practice and this was with my own family. It was hard to admit to. I was pissed off at you by proxy, when I should've been pissed off at myself for not dealing with the guilt of watching Justin be pulled from the surf at Bondi and never taking precautions to protect my own mental state while I took care of my family. The dumbest part of all is that if I just let you in more, it might not have gotten so tough and affected me how it did, leading to me sabotaging what we had." Alex unzipped his fly and propped himself up on his elbows to try to get his jeans off but as soon as he was no longer horizontal, he ended up in a wave of dry retching when the nausea returned with a vengeance so he dropped back down again with a groan. The heaviness of the topic was probably contributing to his unsettled guts because he wasn't sure he'd ever fully shed the guilt with Justin and what happened with Kade.

"Hey, take it easy. Let me help you." Kade put the trash can on the bed beside Alec in case he needed it and tugged his jeans off for him so he didn't have to sit up or move too much. After folding the jeans and putting them on the sofa, he came back and tucked a couple of the spare pillow behind Alec so he could sit up just a little if he wanted to give the peppermint tea a shot. He poured them both a cup of tea from the different pots and put Alec's cup and saucer on the nightstand. It might prove still too adventurous for him but it was there if he wanted it. Carefully, he sat on the vacant spot on the bed by Alec, but sitting up with a pillow behind him so he could have his tea. "I still struggle with that day at Bondi too. I have nightmares about Justin's save. I really didn't think we'd get him back. It was just a split second of action that was the difference between life and death. Even then, we didn't know if there'd be any cerebral hypoxia or even brain death. All this shit was somehow racing through my head as it was happening, all the while knowing he was Mark's. He was your nephew. I don't know if I knew how to talk to you about it either. I never wanted to pry open the raw wounds around the plain fact that the poor kid nearly ended his life like that. I was only ever used to accidents or emergencies, not... it was just such a harsh way to do it. I could never get my head around what would get him to that place, even if rationally I know the simple answer is mental illness. But he's your nephew, I wanted to understand more. It was just another source of distance between us, I guess. I'm not looking for you to shoulder all the blame. I think we equally contributed and not intentionally. It was a situation neither of us ever had to deal with before. We should've leaned on each other. I hear that's what a relationship is all about."

Alec picked up the cup, even if he was just nursing it in his hands without having any yet and answered with a resolute nod. "Without breaching his confidentiality on things he's disclosed to me, he's resorted to some awful ways to self-harm. It's never a rational choice, it's what's available to him when the urge gets too strong. It can be a very fine line between ideation and intent. He was very sick that day at Bondi but he knew what he was doing. And by knew, I mean, he wanted to stop living and that was one of many ways he considered it in those preceding days. If it wasn't the beach, it would've been something else. It's really just as simple that he was very sick and it exacerbated more quickly than anyone realised. Have you spoken to a psychologist about any of this? Even just one appointed through work? I know those resources are there for you. It's no shame to use them as much as you need. The memories could be with you for a long time, you might need strategies to manage it. Have you spoken to him at all recently? Prior to the accident, I mean. I just realised I don't even know if you kept in touch with him after we..." He made a little gesture with his fingers, not really wanting to say it out loud anymore. "You can always talk to me about it. Those wounds, I don't think they ever quite heal for me. In a lot of ways, I don't want them to because it helps me connect with him. I made that promise to him the day we met, that I would hold on tight to anything he wanted to tell me, so he never had to repeat anything that was too hard. Would it help if I talked to you about my feelings around all that? Maybe compartmentalising isn't the answer."

"Not recently. I was seeing one for awhile but it started to feel like I was just rehashing the bad stuff. It was easier to just bury it away and get on with the job. I'm sure there's probably some way to psych-evaluate even that choice but it is what it is. The sticking point was always that... I just feel like I distracted you that day, took your eye off the ball, so to speak. It was the first time we'd seen each other in years and the first thing we do is snog like no time has passed at all. Again, sure there's capacity for psych evaluation but seeing as I know that wasn't one-sided and seems to be a thing with us, it feels like it shouldn't be a problem. But clearly it is because we're still here, trying to sort this shit out, meaning there's shit to sort out. That's the part I get stuck on, though. Am I just too much of a distraction for you when you need to be focused on your family?" It was a massive thing for Kade to finally get out there, to put into words and finally hand to Alec. That one thing that kept churning over and over in his head, born of that moment when they were kissing each other at Bondi like no one else in the world existed, right at the moment Justin walked into a rip fully-clothed to drown himself, when moments before, Alec had been sitting on the sand with Justin and watching him. He exhaled heavily, not realising he was taking in such a deep breath to get the words out, and took a mouthful of his tea, holding it in his mouth and keeping his eyes locked on the cup in his hands. Maybe he just needed the answer he didn't want to this, to get closure for everything. He really didn't know anymore.

"It's hard not to feel that sort of guilt in situations like this, K. I've felt it too and had to do a lot of checking myself when I catch myself doing it. The mistake was mine, though, not yours. You only knew after the fact that what happened wasn't an accident, how severely mentally ill Justin was. You might've known who he was and that he was Mark's, but you only found out more in the days that followed. I remember, because you kept asking me at the hospital when you came to visit him why he was near the water dressed like that and how he fell in. You didn't see him go in, you were only first on the scene getting him out. He hadn't slept in many days and even though he let me administer a sedative to him the night before, he only agreed to half-strength and made me promise I wouldn't have him hauled off to a psych unit while he slept. He barely got a few hours. You can't forget, this was in the wake of him disclosing his long-term sexual abuse when he was a kid and Mark and Gen's marriage was failing, causing them to break promises to him. He was in the wake of two suicide attempts and down the track now, we know he had plans for another, but Reecy intervened and he bolted to get on a plane to his grandparents in Sydney. Everything was a mess. I'd met him literally the day before, so I was a stranger to him. It was just one of those tough reminders for my family that there are going to be days it's really tough and we won't always know what to do. That was one of those days for me, I didn't know him well enough yet and underestimated how severely suicidal he was. You weren't a distraction. You've never been a distraction. You're the only person I've ever been in love with and I hate that I made you feel like that didn't mean something." Alec looked at the surface of the tea and put the cup to his lips, the aroma of peppermint filled his nose and thankfully didn't immediately turn his stomach so he had a few small sips. "If you weren't there that day, K, we might've lost him. He might not have been pulled out and revived quickly enough, or he might've tried another way he succeeded with. He still tells people to this day it was his honorary uncle that saved his life at Bondi. He still sees you as family because you are."

It was strange, but Kade felt a sense of quiet relief settle over him listening to Alec talk about these things. They were probably the hardest subjects they could be going over but it wasn't about that. It was just the fact they were talking at all, without the tension and without the weird distance that had been between them since they broke up. After the horrible Bondi event, when he and Alec decided to resume the relationship they had initially began when they were in high school, he really thought they'd go the distance that time. But they both severely underestimated the impact those events at Bondi would have. But they didn't talk enough. Not even nearly enough. This was a conversation they should've had long ago. "Is that how unwell he is again now? Is it that level? I known you haven't actually seen him but from what I was hearing, it was really bad." He watched Alec with his tea, but so far she seemed to be tolerating it okay. "What about you? Can you still see me as family or is this all a waste of time?"

Alec pressed his fingers to his temple and as reluctant as he was, had to nod. "I'd say we're not far off. He hasn't really been very stable since Sash woke but anyone would be emotional in his shoes. His mood has been tanking but he was being as much of a trooper as he could for Sash but every time he has to re-face that Sash doesn't remember they're together, it's like another blow. He might not be too bad come morning with the drugs likely administered but I don't think the situation is that optimistic. I don't think he'll bounce back from this psychosis very easily. If I had to make a guess how I think things will go based off of how he's been, I'd say I'm expecting his mood to crash into a bad depressive episode. It could go the complete opposite and tip into a manic episode but I don't think so. If he doesn't bounce back, they might choose to keep him in psych, which could impact on his physical rehab. There are a lot of ways this could play out but I think he's going to be unwell for a few days at the very least, until he knows Mark's out of danger." He put the cup of tea back down and took Kade's hand, tongue tracing over his lips nervously. "I want us to try again. Differently this time. I never wanted you out of my life and I've missed you every damn day. But I'd truly get it if you're not interested or don't trust me. But it will be different, I promise you that. I'd put money on house out NYC right now if I thought it would help. I want this. I want you."

"You've been there for him whenever he needs, then. Still, no matter how much you love him, I know more than anyone that you're not immune to shouldering too much to try to take care of your family. Do you want to talk about how you are, how it's been since the crash? Or, at the very least, promise me there's someone you can talk to while you're being what your family needs to lean on right now. Because contrary to how it seems, I care about you all so fucking much and all I really wanted back then was to be your support while you were everyone else's. You don't have a diagnosis of PTSD but you've still seen many horrible things and supported others trying to do with the horrible things they've been through. But your family? You would sacrifice yourself for them. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough in New York to go to the distance but a lot has changed and I want us to have another chance. I trust you with my life, alright? Of course I'm fucking interested. I never stopped being interested, I was just hurt because I thought you weren't. It felt like you didn't need me and hadn't needed me in a long time." Kade put his cup down too and offered his hand for Alec to take if he wanted to. "Think you can keep some Panadol down now? I've got some in my wallet."

Despite how he was feeling, Alec still managed a faint smile at the offered hand and took it without hesitation. "This latest? I'm still trying to get my head around. It's about a billion times harder with a hangover. Justin hasn't been mentally stable but he's been conscious of it and managed well clinically. After such a horrible ordeal, no one would expect him to be stable. His ups and downs haven't been extreme, though, and he's been asking for me a lot, even if he didn't always engage once I got there. For Jus, not engaging is a symptom so I could still monitor his progress. A lot of it was related to Mark's relapse with booze and Sash not waking, then not being himself once he was awake. If you factor that in, Jus has actually done really, really well, all things considered. But Mark... fuck, he's not dealt well with hearing Sammy has cancer and, well, he overdosed on some prescription meds, which led to him ultimately being diagnosed with Bipolar II after an emergency psych assessment. It's been on my radar for a little while, that maybe we were dealing with something more than cyclothymia with him but it all came to a head when Sammy was sick. But it means Mark has been fractured emotionally himself and Justin hasn't coped well Mark drinking again. Justin always blames himself. It's been hard with the people I love hurting so much. And lonely. Everyone's dealing with so much and even though we've all be on-hand to help and doing what we can, we've been like ships passing in the night. The night out with my RAAF mates, I wasn't going to go. Mark told me to, to chill out for a bit. I know even if I was there, this still would've happened. It's easy to fear Mark might've had a drink but I know my brother, and I know how he both parents his kids but also how his addiction exhibits because of them. If he knew he had to be there for Jus getting up from the wheelchair for the first time, there's no way he would've drunk, not even if he had cravings. He knows his relationship with his son is fragile even at the best of times. I just wish there was more I could do. Panadol would be good, babe. Any shot had feeling something that resembles human again." He squeeze Kade's hand. "I always needed you. That was never it. Not even remotely. My feelings for you have never changed. Other shit just took my eye off the ball."

Kade reached over and grabbed his wallet, plucking the strip of pills from the side pocket he kept a couple of condoms too. He popped the pills from the pack and took Alec's hand again, dropping them into his palm. "So, did you chill out or did you just get blinded so you didn't have to think about everything for awhile. Because that's a lot of stress and I know you shoulder it with your family but you see it all through a psych's eyes. You can't separate that. Even now, you're explaining what's been happening but bypassing telling me how it's making you feel. One of your brother's is going through cancer treatment and the other has had another mental breakdown. But I won't take it personally. I know that you deal with your feelings in a really complicated way because of the training you've had. Maybe a night out on the piss is exactly what you needed but I don't know if that sort of thing has ever helped you. We all have our breaking points. I guess I'm just checking to see if you're close to yours and even if you're not, if there's anything I can do to help. I know we've go a lot to work through and we don't have to do it now. Maybe you should just try to get some sleep and we take the next steps when you're feeling so crap." Once Alec had the pills, Kade touched the backs of his fingers to Alec's cheek. "Is there anything I can do to help? Besides hangover remedies, I mean."

"Bit of both, I think. Definitely not intentionally. I was going to head home after a few and get a bit of work done on a research paper I'm working on. We all knew Jus had the physio trial today to see if he could tolerate holding himself up on the bars to get slight weight-bearing on his legs started. Very, very early days of a long road but he's been working his arse off with upper body strengthening. That obviously meant there was a chance he couldn't handle it, so we'd prepared for that. Once I was out with my mates, it was easy to disconnect temporarily. Even though they asked me how Justin and Sash were getting on, we didn't talk about anything else about my family. Just reminiscing about old times and all that. There really was absolutely nothing in that drunken hook up. I just want you to know that, even though I'm sure it looks otherwise. I just want you to know what." Alec put the pills in his mouth and washed them down with a sip of tea. He closed his eyes for a lingering few moments and sighed. "It's easier to explain how other people are feeling. It's easier to make sure other people are holding up the best they can when things are stressful or traumatic. And fuck know, it's not like either is foreign to my family. But this is actually the first time I've been physically present when both Sammy and Sparky's lives have been on the line. Like, really on the line. I know Sammy's getting treatment and it's a highly treatable form of cancer, and Sparky's getting the psych help he needs to get back on top of things but I'm really scared. That there's a chance we could lose them, or they could lose each other. Our family does a really great job of protecting each other but when the forces are beyond your control, it's a whole other ball game. I have this heavy ache in my gut that there's going to be some straw that breaks a camel's back and my family will never be the same again. And if I'm honest, it doesn't feel different to the pain when I lost you. That's probably why I've been struggling every time I see you lately. There's something you can do... you're already doing it. Hearing me out, giving me a chance to try to explain."

After he put his cup down again, Kade shifted to lie down on his side facing Alec. This time, he didn't hesitate in touching him, brushing his fingers through Alec's hair and then caressing his cheek. "That's not what I'm doing. It's not about needing you to explain, even if that definitely helps to alleviate my fear that we were doomed to ever co-exist amicably. I'm just trying to remind you that it's okay for you to be vulnerable too and it's okay if you're not okay all the time because you're family needs help. You're there for them when they break, so I'm here for you. Not to judge you getting pissed as a fart or having a random fuck while you were. I don't care about that. It's not like I thought you'd be celibate without me. I'm sick of fighting against you, Al. Nothing's ever felt natural about that. I don't have all the answers. Fuck, I don't even want all the answers. I want us to take time to figure them out together, over time. I just hope you know it's okay to be scared about all that with me and that you can talk to me about it when it gets too much. Even then, I don't need you to be fucking perfect at it, either. In fact, I think, as a psych, you're probably going to suck at it for awhile. But this time, rather than pulling the plug, let's just keep going? Come here..." He took Alec's cup from him too, putting it next to his own, and coaxed Alec to come lie in his arms. "I don't want to be a reason you're hurting, when everything else in your life is doing that already."

Alec nodded, catching himself off guard when he teared up and a lump of emotion caught in his throat, probably a culmination of life fucking his family royally recently. "Keeping going is something I think I'm pretty skilled at, if nothing else. The irony that I don't actually have Campbell blood in my veins but still managed to inherit the workaholic tendencies and cluelessness about commitment. I'm so sorry, K. For all that shit." He let himself sink into the familiar warmth of Kade's embrace and appreciate the closeness. He was kind of relieved that he was hungover because it prevented him getting aroused and giving into the sexual desire that never faltered for Kade since the day they first slept together in high school. If there was at least a minute silver lining to a raging hangover, this could be it. He didn't want that to be a distraction this time, even though he figured that if they really did start the process of working things out today, they'd probably end up having make-up sex when he was feeling better. He slid his hand beneath Kade's shirt to caress his back. "But I just... sorry, but my head keeps going back to how homesick you were in NY and that it just wasn't somewhere you felt settled or content. Is that what you're saying, you want to try again to move over there indefinitely, if we can live out of the city and maybe near some water? I don't want to make any promises based on maybes anymore but that's... it's where I live now. It's where I need to be and I don't foresee returning to Sydney on a permanent basis anymore. I'm happy living near all my brothers and my nephews, being part of their lives."

"I know and I understand. I hate that I ever made you think I didn't. It's what I want too. If you can give me another chance to settle over there, meet me in the middle. It might not be easy and I know we'll both need to make some sacrifices, but I think we're worth it. Don't you?" Kade kissed Alec's temple and started to rub his back. He didn't care how hungover he was and clearly in more of a unkempt mess than he'd been in ages, his feelings for Kade were as strong as ever. The older you got, the more tangled and complicated your emotional webs were but if you were lucky enough to find someone you still loved since you were literal kids (they lost their virginities to each other after Kade's 15th birthday party which, at the time, made him decide he never wanted to have anal sex again, ironically), it was fucking worth fighting for. "No promises. Let's not make any of those, either of us. We don't know what the future holds and that's where promises belong. Plus, your mantra as a psych is to take each day, one at a time, and it's a valid on. Save for just one... we promise to talk to each other if we're feeling like something's not working. That's all. Doesn't matter what it is, we make the time to talk about it and not keep each other in the dark, hoping it might just go away. Things that need to be talked about never just go away. I won't rush anything like giving my resignation at work or anything until you know when Jus and Sash can get back to the States. But if you want to start trying put the pieces back together with me now, then I'm here."

"Yeah, of course I do. There's never fucking been anyone else, K. No one had a chance of coming close. I know you think that's just because of my demanding job and being in Defence all those years but it's not. I'm not scared of what's hard or complicated. Logistics fucked us over, I get that. It was just hard for me to see a solution that didn't mean you would be forced to hurt. That's the reason I never asked you not to go, or never asked you to stay. And I won't. But I hope it at least helps a little to have some context on that, that it wasn't because I didn't want you to stay. I couldn't, in my own conscience, ask you to do something that was hurting you. But I also couldn't offer to go back with you because I will always stand by the promises I made to Justin and Mark, to protect Justin's life with all the tools I have." Alec paused and had to put his hand to his mouth when a wave of nausea swelled again. He took a few moments to breathe through it and then swallowed it back. "Sorry, this nausea's a stubborn bitch. I can't remember the last time I felt this crook. Maybe I'm going out in sympathy for Sparky and Sammy. Fucking happy hour booze. If we can meet in the middle on that, and you really do think you can be okay trying to live in the States again, then I'll do whatever I can to try to make this work this time. But I just want to apologise in advance for the times that gets tough and strains us, because it will. Overall, Jus has honed his coping mechanisms like a fine art but I don't know what's going to happen if his recovery is impeded or Sash's brain injury means he never recovers capacity to be in a relationship with Jus. That's what we're all trying to brace for. For us, though? For our relationship, I'll make sure I'm nurturing it just as much and being present for you. I just might stumble sometimes but feel free to call me out on it, and rub my nose in this very conversation to remind me."

Kade watched Alex closely for a few moment, ready to spring out of the way if he was going to throw up again but it seemed like the worst of it was hopefully starting to pass. "Do you need me to go get you something for it? There'll be a chemist nearby somewhere, this close to a hospital. It's cool, I don't mind. Just say the word if you need it, babe. I know you didn't want me hurting, Al. Despite the fact we were shit at navigating a relationship, I didn't think any choices you made were for the purpose of hurting me. That much, despite how hard it was, I'm glad of. We didn't actually do anything hurtful to each other. I doubt we even said anything hurtful about each other. I know I didn't. I still bloody loved you, for fuck's sake. And I know you, that's not what you're about. Which I guess is why we can be here in a room together to try to sort out shit out - thanks, Sam - without tearing strips off each other. But in a lot of ways, maybe the split would've been easier if we had. For what's it's worth, I never actively made a decision not to communicate with you. I was just trying to give you the space you needed to deal with your family stuff. Which we keep coming back to, so let me also say that, I adore your family like they're my own and even through the hard stuff, I still love them all like crazy too. Hell, I even thought for a bit there, I'd officially be part of your family one day. Nothing else was wrong with us. That frustrated the fuck out of me. If we can fix the logistical shit, I think we need to make some sort of promise to stop and smell the roses together more, too. So, it's not all work and no play. And before you let your head run with that too far, it was your nephew that told me that sucking at that meant you would suck everything else too... and he was right, wasn't he?" He still remembered that particular conversation with Justin. Just jokingly, Kade asked him what his secret was to making a relationship work when he had so much else infiltrating his life and Justin hadn't hesitated in saying it was because he and Sash did something every single day just for them, that only included them. Even the days either of them were sick, they still made the space and time for something together. It truly stuck with Kade, especially after he and Alec split. "Whatever happens, I want to be there to help. Hell, if they think my skills with aquatic therapy might help either of them, I'm there, no questions asked. I know Justin has an affinity with the water, he equates it with peace. Something else I asked him about too, why he chose to take his life like that. He said that in the moment, it made more sense to him than anything in his life, to end his torment with peace. I aspire to be as wise as that kid when I'm maybe, oh, in my 90s on my death bed, if I'm lucky."

"No, I want you to stay right here. We've got too much lost time to make up for. I'll try and tackle the tea again soon." Leaning back a little so he could see Kade's face, Alec softly stroked his fingers across Kade's brow and caressed his cheek. It felt a bit strange to be this close to him again but it felt right at a time when little else in his life came close to feeling like that. There was no quick fix but they were slotting the first broken piece of them together back into place. The other pieces would soon follow, hopefully. "Do you really think we were shit at navigating a relationship? Inherently, I don't think we were that shit. Not really. Like, if Sparky can manage to resurrect his marriage, I don't think we're a lost cause. We have to work together, though. That's the only way he and Gen saved what they had and we don't have a kid relying on us to get it right. Wait, do you mean you thought we'd get married some day? Shit, I don't think that's something we ever talked about but... it's what you'd want? My family never stopped thinking of you as one of us either, you know. That's not just because our mums are good friends. Hey, my nephew's a smart cookie. I'd say he gets it from me but that's all him. If you're being all Dumbledore in your 90s on your death bed, I want to be there with you. But first, I need to take a slash."

He patted Kade's hip before he struggled to stiffly pull himself up, which inevitably caused his head to spin. There was nothing elegant about the way he sort of flopped off the side of the bed, feeling Kade put his hand on his back to help him, and it was more like a zig-zaggy stumble to the bathroom than a purposeful walk. Before he even got to the bathroom door, though, his stomach was lurching in protest and he threw a hand out to hold himself up on the wall with a groaned, "Oh god." The last few paces were an unsteady dash to the toilet, which he made in the nick of time. Resuming a vertical position hadn't been a good idea at all. There had to have been tequila or absinthe shots on the menu last night to get him in this state. It wasn't like a few Death Drop shots hadn't been consumed during many a wild night of his military days. He was going to have to grill his mates by text later to find out just WTF happened.

Kade followed Alec into the bathroom and wet a face cloth for him and sat on the edge of the bath. "You're not going to show up in any interesting Instagram Reels of you doing nudie runs along the Harbour foreshore or anything, are there? Because you had to have been fucking shitfaced to be this sick, babe," he said with a laugh, rubbing Alec's back while he strenuously ralphed in the toilet again. There was plenty of sympathy for how shit he was feeling but the piss-pulling at his expense was inevitable. They'd all been on the receiving end of some good Aussie piss-pulling after a heavy night out on the booze. They were just a lot younger in those days. Once Alec seemed done with this round - for now - he handed him the damp cloth so he could wipe his face and filled one of the glasses sitting on the shelf with water from the tap so he could rinse his mouth. "No, I don't really think we were shit at the relationship thing. We were just shit at communicating. I mean... yeah, when Mark and Gen got remarried, then Sash proposed to Justin, it made me wonder if we could do it too. Not that I think we'd ever have a traditional marriage but I like the thought of it. Maybe even like to have a kid someday too. Not saying in the immediate future, but as a future goal, for sure. How that's supposed to look, I'm not fully sure. Adoption and surrogacy are options. I know we never really had those conversations... So cool to hear about Kyan and Reecy. Must've been a surprise. I know Reecy didn't want to get pregnant again because she had serious complications in the past but things change in life."

Sitting back from the toilet, Alec slumped against the glass wall of the shower and accepted the facecloth and glass of water, groaning. "Just rub it in, why don't you. Don't I get at least a few sympathy points for the fact it's been ages since I had anything more than a couple of beers, let alone a full night out on the piss? The Death Drops probably sounded like a good idea after a few vokda and cokes. No nudie runs. My RAAF mates and I will always have each other's backs, thank fuck." He pressed the cloth to his face with both hands, sighing heavily at how nice the coolness felt against his flushed skin. "Do you think marriage complicates things? I'm not asking that to be a smart arse. I agree, it looks nice. But it seems like some people are made for it and others aren't. Or maybe it just doesn't work with the wrong match. Like, even just with my brothers, I've got different levels of arguments for and against it. Then there's my folks, who have been going strong for nearly fifty years. I've never been able to figure out where I fit on that scale. I've only ever been in love with one person and I still managed to fuck that up. Being a therapist, it's difficult not to overanalyse and psychoanalyse things. Kids, though? Damn, I feel like that's something I shouldn't be hungover thinking about. I'm a bit terrified to think how I'd be as a dad, responsible for a tiny person who relies on you for everything. Then when they're not so tiny and you can't protect them as well, that's... a lot."

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