dreamlikenewyork | "Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

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"Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

Who: Kade King and Alec Campbell
What: Shitstorm of Family Matters
Where: Sydney, AU
When: After this

Kade poured the bottle of chilled spring water from he mini bar fridge into a glass. He set it down on the nightstand by the sprawling king sized bed and collected the stainless steel bin from the bathroom, bringing it through and placing it on the floor by the bed with a mumbled sigh of, "Don't know what the fuck I'm even doing..."

Against his better judgement and the practical little voice in his head telling him not to, once Alec finished barfing up everything he had eaten in a week in hospital carpark, Kade suggested to Alec they fork out for a room in the hotel nextdoor to the hospital so Alec could lie down and try to sleep off the hangover for a couple of hours so he could get his head back in the game for his family. Kade planned to just leave him there in his own misery but both Sam and Ava's pointed words to both of them to sort their shit out was swirling around his head. Plus, no matter how pissed off he was, his conscience wouldn't let him leave Alec while he was feeling this rough.

Alec was lying on the bed where he gingerly sunk himself onto as soon as Kade opened the door to the room with the swipe card. Kade went back to the bathroom and wet one of the face cloths, coming back and handing it to Alec. Then he sat on the side of the bed, swiping a hand over his face. The anger had dissipated inside him and now he wasn't even sure what he was feeling, let alone what he should be feeling. Whatever it was, it was hard not to feel like it was the end of a very long road, one that he had encountered nothing but dead-ends on lately. He really thought he was done. There had been a glimmer of hope after they slept together in the midst of trying to talk their shit out after he came to the hospital to offer the Campbells his support, but yet again, Alec gave nothing. Kade was sick to fucking death of nothing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Bit of both, I think. Definitely not intentionally. I was going to head home after a few and get a bit of work done on a research paper I'm working on. We all knew Jus had the physio trial today to see if he could tolerate holding himself up on the bars to get slight weight-bearing on his legs started. Very, very early days of a long road but he's been working his arse off with upper body strengthening. That obviously meant there was a chance he couldn't handle it, so we'd prepared for that. Once I was out with my mates, it was easy to disconnect temporarily. Even though they asked me how Justin and Sash were getting on, we didn't talk about anything else about my family. Just reminiscing about old times and all that. There really was absolutely nothing in that drunken hook up. I just want you to know that, even though I'm sure it looks otherwise. I just want you to know what." Alec put the pills in his mouth and washed them down with a sip of tea. He closed his eyes for a lingering few moments and sighed. "It's easier to explain how other people are feeling. It's easier to make sure other people are holding up the best they can when things are stressful or traumatic. And fuck know, it's not like either is foreign to my family. But this is actually the first time I've been physically present when both Sammy and Sparky's lives have been on the line. Like, really on the line. I know Sammy's getting treatment and it's a highly treatable form of cancer, and Sparky's getting the psych help he needs to get back on top of things but I'm really scared. That there's a chance we could lose them, or they could lose each other. Our family does a really great job of protecting each other but when the forces are beyond your control, it's a whole other ball game. I have this heavy ache in my gut that there's going to be some straw that breaks a camel's back and my family will never be the same again. And if I'm honest, it doesn't feel different to the pain when I lost you. That's probably why I've been struggling every time I see you lately. There's something you can do... you're already doing it. Hearing me out, giving me a chance to try to explain."

After he put his cup down again, Kade shifted to lie down on his side facing Alec. This time, he didn't hesitate in touching him, brushing his fingers through Alec's hair and then caressing his cheek. "That's not what I'm doing. It's not about needing you to explain, even if that definitely helps to alleviate my fear that we were doomed to ever co-exist amicably. I'm just trying to remind you that it's okay for you to be vulnerable too and it's okay if you're not okay all the time because you're family needs help. You're there for them when they break, so I'm here for you. Not to judge you getting pissed as a fart or having a random fuck while you were. I don't care about that. It's not like I thought you'd be celibate without me. I'm sick of fighting against you, Al. Nothing's ever felt natural about that. I don't have all the answers. Fuck, I don't even want all the answers. I want us to take time to figure them out together, over time. I just hope you know it's okay to be scared about all that with me and that you can talk to me about it when it gets too much. Even then, I don't need you to be fucking perfect at it, either. In fact, I think, as a psych, you're probably going to suck at it for awhile. But this time, rather than pulling the plug, let's just keep going? Come here..." He took Alec's cup from him too, putting it next to his own, and coaxed Alec to come lie in his arms. "I don't want to be a reason you're hurting, when everything else in your life is doing that already."

Alec nodded, catching himself off guard when he teared up and a lump of emotion caught in his throat, probably a culmination of life fucking his family royally recently. "Keeping going is something I think I'm pretty skilled at, if nothing else. The irony that I don't actually have Campbell blood in my veins but still managed to inherit the workaholic tendencies and cluelessness about commitment. I'm so sorry, K. For all that shit." He let himself sink into the familiar warmth of Kade's embrace and appreciate the closeness. He was kind of relieved that he was hungover because it prevented him getting aroused and giving into the sexual desire that never faltered for Kade since the day they first slept together in high school. If there was at least a minute silver lining to a raging hangover, this could be it. He didn't want that to be a distraction this time, even though he figured that if they really did start the process of working things out today, they'd probably end up having make-up sex when he was feeling better. He slid his hand beneath Kade's shirt to caress his back. "But I just... sorry, but my head keeps going back to how homesick you were in NY and that it just wasn't somewhere you felt settled or content. Is that what you're saying, you want to try again to move over there indefinitely, if we can live out of the city and maybe near some water? I don't want to make any promises based on maybes anymore but that's... it's where I live now. It's where I need to be and I don't foresee returning to Sydney on a permanent basis anymore. I'm happy living near all my brothers and my nephews, being part of their lives."

"I know and I understand. I hate that I ever made you think I didn't. It's what I want too. If you can give me another chance to settle over there, meet me in the middle. It might not be easy and I know we'll both need to make some sacrifices, but I think we're worth it. Don't you?" Kade kissed Alec's temple and started to rub his back. He didn't care how hungover he was and clearly in more of a unkempt mess than he'd been in ages, his feelings for Kade were as strong as ever. The older you got, the more tangled and complicated your emotional webs were but if you were lucky enough to find someone you still loved since you were literal kids (they lost their virginities to each other after Kade's 15th birthday party which, at the time, made him decide he never wanted to have anal sex again, ironically), it was fucking worth fighting for. "No promises. Let's not make any of those, either of us. We don't know what the future holds and that's where promises belong. Plus, your mantra as a psych is to take each day, one at a time, and it's a valid on. Save for just one... we promise to talk to each other if we're feeling like something's not working. That's all. Doesn't matter what it is, we make the time to talk about it and not keep each other in the dark, hoping it might just go away. Things that need to be talked about never just go away. I won't rush anything like giving my resignation at work or anything until you know when Jus and Sash can get back to the States. But if you want to start trying put the pieces back together with me now, then I'm here."

"Yeah, of course I do. There's never fucking been anyone else, K. No one had a chance of coming close. I know you think that's just because of my demanding job and being in Defence all those years but it's not. I'm not scared of what's hard or complicated. Logistics fucked us over, I get that. It was just hard for me to see a solution that didn't mean you would be forced to hurt. That's the reason I never asked you not to go, or never asked you to stay. And I won't. But I hope it at least helps a little to have some context on that, that it wasn't because I didn't want you to stay. I couldn't, in my own conscience, ask you to do something that was hurting you. But I also couldn't offer to go back with you because I will always stand by the promises I made to Justin and Mark, to protect Justin's life with all the tools I have." Alec paused and had to put his hand to his mouth when a wave of nausea swelled again. He took a few moments to breathe through it and then swallowed it back. "Sorry, this nausea's a stubborn bitch. I can't remember the last time I felt this crook. Maybe I'm going out in sympathy for Sparky and Sammy. Fucking happy hour booze. If we can meet in the middle on that, and you really do think you can be okay trying to live in the States again, then I'll do whatever I can to try to make this work this time. But I just want to apologise in advance for the times that gets tough and strains us, because it will. Overall, Jus has honed his coping mechanisms like a fine art but I don't know what's going to happen if his recovery is impeded or Sash's brain injury means he never recovers capacity to be in a relationship with Jus. That's what we're all trying to brace for. For us, though? For our relationship, I'll make sure I'm nurturing it just as much and being present for you. I just might stumble sometimes but feel free to call me out on it, and rub my nose in this very conversation to remind me."

Kade watched Alex closely for a few moment, ready to spring out of the way if he was going to throw up again but it seemed like the worst of it was hopefully starting to pass. "Do you need me to go get you something for it? There'll be a chemist nearby somewhere, this close to a hospital. It's cool, I don't mind. Just say the word if you need it, babe. I know you didn't want me hurting, Al. Despite the fact we were shit at navigating a relationship, I didn't think any choices you made were for the purpose of hurting me. That much, despite how hard it was, I'm glad of. We didn't actually do anything hurtful to each other. I doubt we even said anything hurtful about each other. I know I didn't. I still bloody loved you, for fuck's sake. And I know you, that's not what you're about. Which I guess is why we can be here in a room together to try to sort out shit out - thanks, Sam - without tearing strips off each other. But in a lot of ways, maybe the split would've been easier if we had. For what's it's worth, I never actively made a decision not to communicate with you. I was just trying to give you the space you needed to deal with your family stuff. Which we keep coming back to, so let me also say that, I adore your family like they're my own and even through the hard stuff, I still love them all like crazy too. Hell, I even thought for a bit there, I'd officially be part of your family one day. Nothing else was wrong with us. That frustrated the fuck out of me. If we can fix the logistical shit, I think we need to make some sort of promise to stop and smell the roses together more, too. So, it's not all work and no play. And before you let your head run with that too far, it was your nephew that told me that sucking at that meant you would suck everything else too... and he was right, wasn't he?" He still remembered that particular conversation with Justin. Just jokingly, Kade asked him what his secret was to making a relationship work when he had so much else infiltrating his life and Justin hadn't hesitated in saying it was because he and Sash did something every single day just for them, that only included them. Even the days either of them were sick, they still made the space and time for something together. It truly stuck with Kade, especially after he and Alec split. "Whatever happens, I want to be there to help. Hell, if they think my skills with aquatic therapy might help either of them, I'm there, no questions asked. I know Justin has an affinity with the water, he equates it with peace. Something else I asked him about too, why he chose to take his life like that. He said that in the moment, it made more sense to him than anything in his life, to end his torment with peace. I aspire to be as wise as that kid when I'm maybe, oh, in my 90s on my death bed, if I'm lucky."

"No, I want you to stay right here. We've got too much lost time to make up for. I'll try and tackle the tea again soon." Leaning back a little so he could see Kade's face, Alec softly stroked his fingers across Kade's brow and caressed his cheek. It felt a bit strange to be this close to him again but it felt right at a time when little else in his life came close to feeling like that. There was no quick fix but they were slotting the first broken piece of them together back into place. The other pieces would soon follow, hopefully. "Do you really think we were shit at navigating a relationship? Inherently, I don't think we were that shit. Not really. Like, if Sparky can manage to resurrect his marriage, I don't think we're a lost cause. We have to work together, though. That's the only way he and Gen saved what they had and we don't have a kid relying on us to get it right. Wait, do you mean you thought we'd get married some day? Shit, I don't think that's something we ever talked about but... it's what you'd want? My family never stopped thinking of you as one of us either, you know. That's not just because our mums are good friends. Hey, my nephew's a smart cookie. I'd say he gets it from me but that's all him. If you're being all Dumbledore in your 90s on your death bed, I want to be there with you. But first, I need to take a slash."

He patted Kade's hip before he struggled to stiffly pull himself up, which inevitably caused his head to spin. There was nothing elegant about the way he sort of flopped off the side of the bed, feeling Kade put his hand on his back to help him, and it was more like a zig-zaggy stumble to the bathroom than a purposeful walk. Before he even got to the bathroom door, though, his stomach was lurching in protest and he threw a hand out to hold himself up on the wall with a groaned, "Oh god." The last few paces were an unsteady dash to the toilet, which he made in the nick of time. Resuming a vertical position hadn't been a good idea at all. There had to have been tequila or absinthe shots on the menu last night to get him in this state. It wasn't like a few Death Drop shots hadn't been consumed during many a wild night of his military days. He was going to have to grill his mates by text later to find out just WTF happened.

Kade followed Alec into the bathroom and wet a face cloth for him and sat on the edge of the bath. "You're not going to show up in any interesting Instagram Reels of you doing nudie runs along the Harbour foreshore or anything, are there? Because you had to have been fucking shitfaced to be this sick, babe," he said with a laugh, rubbing Alec's back while he strenuously ralphed in the toilet again. There was plenty of sympathy for how shit he was feeling but the piss-pulling at his expense was inevitable. They'd all been on the receiving end of some good Aussie piss-pulling after a heavy night out on the booze. They were just a lot younger in those days. Once Alec seemed done with this round - for now - he handed him the damp cloth so he could wipe his face and filled one of the glasses sitting on the shelf with water from the tap so he could rinse his mouth. "No, I don't really think we were shit at the relationship thing. We were just shit at communicating. I mean... yeah, when Mark and Gen got remarried, then Sash proposed to Justin, it made me wonder if we could do it too. Not that I think we'd ever have a traditional marriage but I like the thought of it. Maybe even like to have a kid someday too. Not saying in the immediate future, but as a future goal, for sure. How that's supposed to look, I'm not fully sure. Adoption and surrogacy are options. I know we never really had those conversations... So cool to hear about Kyan and Reecy. Must've been a surprise. I know Reecy didn't want to get pregnant again because she had serious complications in the past but things change in life."

Sitting back from the toilet, Alec slumped against the glass wall of the shower and accepted the facecloth and glass of water, groaning. "Just rub it in, why don't you. Don't I get at least a few sympathy points for the fact it's been ages since I had anything more than a couple of beers, let alone a full night out on the piss? The Death Drops probably sounded like a good idea after a few vokda and cokes. No nudie runs. My RAAF mates and I will always have each other's backs, thank fuck." He pressed the cloth to his face with both hands, sighing heavily at how nice the coolness felt against his flushed skin. "Do you think marriage complicates things? I'm not asking that to be a smart arse. I agree, it looks nice. But it seems like some people are made for it and others aren't. Or maybe it just doesn't work with the wrong match. Like, even just with my brothers, I've got different levels of arguments for and against it. Then there's my folks, who have been going strong for nearly fifty years. I've never been able to figure out where I fit on that scale. I've only ever been in love with one person and I still managed to fuck that up. Being a therapist, it's difficult not to overanalyse and psychoanalyse things. Kids, though? Damn, I feel like that's something I shouldn't be hungover thinking about. I'm a bit terrified to think how I'd be as a dad, responsible for a tiny person who relies on you for everything. Then when they're not so tiny and you can't protect them as well, that's... a lot."

Kade patted Alec's shoulder with a smirk. "You're welcome, babe. Always happy to help rub the sting of a good hangover in a bit. Death Drops? No additional sympathy for that, hell no. They were barely tolerable in our early twenties and now we won't see the healthy side of 30 again, so you were playing with fire, love. I don't know how anyone can drink that shite. Voddy, tequila, and absinthe mixed together is the work of the devil. How you didn't spew it all back up immediately is beyond me but you still pushed on to get laid, so your stamina doesn't seem affected." He would be lying if he wasn't at least slightly wondering about the guy Alec slept with but he wasn't a masochist. He didn't need to know and it really didn't matter. If they went to be tonight back together, Alec was still free to do what - and who - he liked last night. "I don't fucking doubt for a minute marriage complicates things. It just seems to me, though, that a good marriage would be worth the challenges. It means you're not in the small stuff alone. Don't get me wrong, it's not a deal breaker. People don't have to get married to be committed. It just seems that, well, queer people can get married here now, so why not? Unless there's glaring reasons why not to do it, well... why not? An easier out if it goes wrong, maybe, but divorce is hardly the equivalent of slaying a dragon these days and your brother is a solicitor who could push it through easier than doing a Maccas run on a Saturday night. We don't have to talk about it all now. This is just my way of saying that if we get back together, part of that process for me is that we're going to have to talk about these things. We promise to communicate better, then I mean about everything. So, I just want to begin to put it out there that I think I do want kids some day. Or even just one kid. I want to be a dad. Even if it takes us years to talk some of the shit through, we have to start somewhere."

"I feel like I need to just emphasise that there was absolutely nothing in what I did last night. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't blind drunk. I haven't done the casual hookup thing in a very long time. It..." Alec went quiet briefly, leaving the face cloth draped over his face for a few more moments before he took it away. "It always felt like I was cheating on you when I went to do it. Can't say I ever really got closure when we split up. I just buried my head in the sand and tried not to think about it. You know, all the healthy ways of dealing with a problem that psychs suggest to everyone else and don't practice themselves. Hearing you say this stuff out loud, I think I'm realising that I probably subconsciously assumed I missed the boat on all that stuff. Not quite a lot cause but not far off. I let you slip through my fingers twice when there has legitimately never been anyone else that I've loved. Is it weird that I can't really imagine myself as a dad? Like, I see Jim and Sparky doing it and they fucking rock at it, even if most of the time, they feel the opposite. You just have to look at their kids to know. Sammy's pretty much a walking perfect dad without having had the opportunity to have it. It's just daunting to get my head around. Granted, I concede that I can thank the hangover for that, at least a little. But I'm promise, I'm not against having all the deep and difficult conversations with you. We should've prioritised that all along and maybe we would've had a better idea of how to navigate everything. I'm really glad you're here. Especially today." He reached for Kade's hand with a faint smile.

"You don't have to justify it, babe. I genuinely mean that. It's a non-issue. You got pissed and had a drunken funk with some bloke. So what? I probably would've done the same thing. Just so long as it's definitely a non-entity you fucked, I'm cool with it. It's not like you don't have plenty on your plate to need some stress relief. Probably would've been more effective without the Death Drop shots, though. Last night was our past, today is our now. That's all that matters." Kade moved over to Alec, gently stroking his hand over his head before sitting down beside him. Keeping each other company in the bathroom when either of them were sick wasn't new for them. For all that went wrong, they really did get some of the relationship things really right when they trusted themselves. Caring for each other definitely wasn't an issue. "I guess not getting closure is something we can use in our favour going forward. Not all was lost. Sam thought he missed the boat too and now he and Alexis are engaged. The narrative we construct in our heads isn't always accurate. Pretty sure we all get ourselves wrong more than we do right. But I disagree that you let me slip through your fingers. I was always here. It was never game over, it just felt like it. Look, I'm not suggesting we get hitched tomorrow and sign up for all the adoption or surrogacy agencies we find on Google. I just want you to know that committing to you, having a family with you, making a life with you... it' all things I've envisaged and could never quite let go of deep down. I just tried to bury it because I was hurting. Is it something you think there's a chance you might be into too? I'm not saying this has to be my way or the highway. I don't think you realise just how much I'd sacrifice to have you back in my life, back in my arms. We get to work out together what that looks like and I'm sure it'll take time to figure out. How are you feeling now, love? I think you've probably managed to get most of it out of your system."

"Like I've been hit by a Mack truck. I'll take this as karmic punishment." Alec rested his head on Kade's shoulder and took his hand, holding it in his lap. "Sammy froze his sperm, you know. Before he started chemo. He and Alexis had to jumps some massive hurdles together to make decisions they didn't even know they should make when Justin was in a bad way. Which was hard, because when they broached the subject of maybe, possibly, having the option of a kid together in the future, Jus wasn't ready to deal with it. He made it clear he wasn't against it or had any feelings against it, he just wasn't ready to process the thought his mum could have a kid with his uncle and do all the things with that kid he, himself, had stolen from him. He said that wasn't his mum or Sam's burden, it was his and he just needed time. So, when we found out Sammy was sick and needed chemo, it threw it all up prematurely and he wasn't going to do it. The sperm thing, he was going to just write it all off as a missed boat. Alexis said she would stand by him whatever he chose but something like that, it's never that simple, you know? Sammy said they both came to the decision together to do it as a 'just in case'. Which sounds really nice. After you told me last time we were alone together in a room, and probably should've talked more rather than sleeping together, how sick you got and spent a long time in hospital, I haven't been able to stop thinking about these sorts of things and I... fuck, K, I should've been there for you when you were sick. I get why you didn't want me to know but I'll never forgive myself that we weren't together and I wasn't there for you, that you had to go it alone. Like, how are you now with it? Be honest. I didn't know if I was reading you wrong in that you seem tired or maybe even a bit weakened? You were leaning against the wall back in the ER and then you did the same in the elevator up here. While we're having these tough conversation, I want this to be one of them. What was your long term prognosis? Are there any health complications? You're still fit and toned, trust me, I wouldn't have not noticed that. Just because we weren't together, didn't mean I had the power to stop perving on you."

Kade tucked his arm around Alec and started to softly massage the nape of his neck, kneading some of the knots of tension with his fingertips. He shook his head, letting out a low whistle. "Shit, I don't know what I would've done in that situation. Probably just done it if I wasn't ready to think too much about the future. The future's probably bloody terrifying to think about if you've been diagnosed with cancer. How's he holding up with the treatment? I don't blame him for chewing us out and telling us to get our shit together, but he didn't look so hot. The twin thing would be kicked into gear but it looked like more than that. He's lost weight since the last time I saw him. Knowing Sam, though, he's probably just trying to soldier on without being a bother to anyone. He and Alexis seem like a perfect match. Chelle would be over the moon for him. I remember him saying once he would never do the love thing again. Life, huh? What a bitch it can be." He probably should have anticipated that Alec would get back to asking about what Kade barely brushed over last time they were alone in a room together right before they had sex that probably just complicated fucking everything. "Yeah, I, um... I was diagnosed with Lupus. They put it down to inflammation influences after I was crook. Being hit with two serious viruses in a short space of time, just triggered something in my immune system. But it's mostly in remission at the moment. Just have flares of chronic pain and fatigue sometimes. It is what it is and part of the reason I had to seriously figured out what path to take with my career. With life, really. A lot of soul-searching. Shit happens."

Alec lifted his head so he could see Kade's face, mouth hanging open. All Kade had said last time was he was experiencing chronic pain and fatigue, neither at all uncommon for mid to long term recovery after serious infections. The immune system could be taxed with a lot of these nasty viruses and Kade suffered two in tandem, having caught a serious strain of covid while he was in hospital with viral meningitis. But Alec knew if Kade had mentioned a lupus diagnosis before, he wouldn't have forgotten it. It was an uncommon illness of only about 0.5% of the population. He would've fucking remembered. "Shit. I... mean, when did you get diagnosed? Did you think you couldn't tell me last time? I wouldn't blame you if that was the case. I hardly earned the privilege of being told but I... fuck. You're on medication? What happens with your subjective flares? Do you still get symptoms even when you're not? Sorry, I don't mean to interrogate you. I just... are you okay? Sure, shit happens, but that doesn't mean we can't be sad or bummed about it when it does. I know it's treatable but it can also be pretty nasty with symptoms for some people. Is that why you're quitting lifeguard work? By choice or by doctor's orders? It would be gruelling and taxing on the body with even the smallest of flares. Thank you for telling me but tell me more. Tell me what led to the diagnosis. Fuck, baby, I'm so sorry. I should've been there for you through all of that."

"I'd just gotten the results to the antibodies blood test the day before Justin and Sash's accident. One test of a slew of exams the doctor was doing, so I hadn't had a formal diagnosis but that was floated as a likely possibility. They wanted to rule other things out first. I wouldn't have purposefully not told you as punishment or anything like that. You know that's not me. The thing about work is that I've been in more a supervisory role this year anyway, so not nearly as hands-on unless there was a major all hands on deck emergency situation. Even then, it was more conversations on a walkie-talkie than grunt work. Like, don't get me wrong, my symptoms are really mild and manageable but the wake up call has been knowing it could get worse at some point. I had to seriously think about longevity with my job and the more I started to interrogate that with myself, the more I started to realise I wanted to get back into the clinical side of sports therapy. And that there was nothing really tying me to Sydney if I got out of lifesaving." Kade smirked, drawing his knees up so he could resting his elbows on them. "The irony that we're sitting on the bathroom floor because you're puking and you're asking me if I'm okay. I am, babe. Obviously, I've got medical stuff going on but what's happening with your family has kept it all in perspective. I'll have some rough patches with flare ups but it's helped me get my head around what I really want out of life. Maybe you should've been there but no sense in thinking about what we can't change. Just look forward, not back."

"Tell me about the medical stuff? I mean, specifics. Your medical stuff. Lupus can present in a multitude of ways. Some people get all the symptoms, others can be completely asymptomatic if the illness is dormant. I know you don't like to dwell on that sort of stuff and you'd prefer to just get on with it if you can but this isn't something that has a cure so if we're doing this again - trying to give it all another go or at least figuring out if we can - I need to know how to help you when you're having a flare up. Even if it's classified mild, the flare ups can still be miserable and make you feel really shitty. My family stuff is here to stay too. It won't stop me taking care of you when you need it. You have to let me, though. I won't encroach if you don't need it and if you just want to try to take it on the chin, I'll respect that. But you don't have to, babe. I don't want you thinking you have to either. The only way we can look forward is remembering how we fucked it up in the past. That's never the person I wanted to be. Will you let me help when you need it?" Alec knew Kade was a proud guy and really did have that Olympian mindset of mind over matter and pushing through the hard stuff to reap the benefits. He always would be like that but something like this, he was going to have to learn that it was okay to lean on the person you loved those days where things just felt plain shitty.

"Joint and muscle pain, fatigue, and headaches are really the most there is to it. Sometimes I get that rash on my cheeks but it's mild. I do feel pretty shit when it's flaring up, though. I've had days where it's a struggle to get out of bed. Literally. I went back to live with Mum and Dad so they could give me a hand when it happened but it's not happening as frequently now or lasting as long. It's all still a bit weird for me to think about. I've always been lucky with my health and keeping fit. Then suddenly, my body was cockblocking it and it was doctor's appointments and a whole bunch of tests. I was so exhausted all the time, no matter how much I slept. Never fatigue like it in my life and I used to work myself into the ground training. Having days where I was sitting on the floor of the shower crying because I was so fucking tired was a tough gig." Kade rubbed Alec's shoulder, enjoying that they could just sit and be close after so much tension and strain between them for so long. "Needless to say, I'm not the most pleasant person when it's happening so I apologise in advance for that but mostly I just want to hibernate through it until it eases off. That's why I came to the conclusion that I still wanted to work but it would have to be something I could adjust my hours and handle my own schedule as needed. Plus, the summer heat here can flare it up so a bit of a colder climate can't hurt. I'd rather have you with me helping than trying to go it alone. Without a fucking doubt. But I know it's laying a lot on you too when you already have so much going on."

When Alec rubbed his hand over his face, it was nothing more than tired bewilderment as he listened. "K, you don't need to do shit like apologise in advance for having a chronic illness. I'm a Campbell. I can handle it. But there's also this little factor of me being a doctor that I think gives me a bit of an edge too. In all seriousness, though, I know how lupus can hit someone. I know the physical and psychological challenges that come with it. Pain and fatigue of a chronic illness is next fucking level during flares. It's not laying a lot on me. You know whatever went down between us that veered off the rails has nothing to do with how much we care for each other or want to be there for each other. So, I don't need you to apologise now or at any point in the future. And I want you to remember me saying this. Make peace with it now so you don't need to think about it when you have those bad patches down the track. All I ask is you tell me if you're not feeling great if it's not so obvious on the outside, so I really can be there for you. At least, until we find a groove together again. I also don't want you thinking you automatically come second to my family if things are chaotic with them. Believe it or not, before Jus and Sash had the accident, things were going pretty smoothly. I honestly don't know how it's going to be from now on, though. But you don't come second. You should never have been made to feel like that. Do you trust that I can shoulder everything? If not, it's okay for you to tell me."

"I guess what I was actually trying to say was I don't want you to feel obligated and now it's out there, it sounds dumb and not what I really mean anyway. It's just reflexive of the awkward limbo we've been in. The reality is, I've missed you so fucking much and when I sick and at rock bottom, you're the one I wanted there with me. So many fucking times, I nearly called you. I know Mum nearly told your mum but I made her swear not to. The last thing I want is for you to feel like you have to keep reassuring me you're going to be there, so just chalk it up to me trying to find my feet with this again. A lot's changed since last time and it'll take time to find our feet. We don't need to rush the process. Let me just backpedal and say, yeah, the flares are pretty shithouse. The pain really does a number on my mood too. I realised that when even Keegan told me to chill and stop being a cunt one day when he was just trying to help me. Legit, I was being a cunt," Kade confirmed with a laugh, taking Alec's hand and letting their fingers easily lace together. "I want to say it's not obvious on the outside when I'm having a flare but it is. But I'll let you know. I can make that promise. Only thing is, I'm kind of a germ magnet after the infections, so I don't always know it's a flare. But I'll tell you if I'm feeling shit. Besides being there for your family, how's things been you? Life in general, all that shit. I asked Mum if she had any updates and she told me if I wanted to know, I should ask you myself."

Alec stretched his back a little, trying to rub away some of the tension in the muscle between his neck and shoulder. He always carried stress the most there and he was pretty sure his headache couldn't all be factored to a hangover when tension headaches weren't uncommon for him. "Yeah, it sounds dumb. But considering my current state, dumb isn't something I can judge on, love. And don't worry, I'm a psychiatrist, I understand why you feel that way and why your instinct is to try to buffer this for me because of what my family's dealing with. So, if I swear not to do that about my shit, will you swear not to do it for yours? Neither of us have ever been good at confronting vulnerability in any way so if we're going to try to be each other's exception to that, we've got to find a rhythm with it. It's not like I can plead ignorance. My teenage nephew is about a billion times better at this shit than I am. Trust me, it's not through lack of me studying how he still manages that when everything else in his life is exploding in his face all the time. Seriously, if Sparky can manage it and finally hold together a successful marriage with this lady who is clearly his soul mate, we can do it. When was your last flare? What happens and what do you need that I can give you without needing to ask when it happens? I don't want to make any assumptions. Everyone manages their illnesses in their own way." He rested his head back against the wall, offering a faint smile of apology. "The more I think about it, the more I feel like an arsehole for pretty much ghosting you after we slept together at Ava's that night. I want you to know that no matter the dumbfuck move I pulled after, having you close that night to take my mind off everything was what I needed more than anything."

"Is this extra forceful self-flagellation over your hangover because of what just happened with Mark or are you going to confess to me you've ended up with a booze problem too? It's not like anyone would blame you. No one would blame anyone in your family. Everyone has a breaking point. Even psychiatrists. Especially psychiatrists." Kade gave a low whistle but had to nod and Alec's observation about them. "Vulnerability. It sure can be a bitch. Probably because it's an assumption of weakness. You want to know the fucked up part? I was weak after I was sick. Probably the most weak I'd been in my life and, yeah, my flares really floor me. The pain and fatigue usually worsens, like with a pretty sharp upswing so I know when a flare is coming. Then over the next few days, upset stomach, headache and possibly dizziness sets in, then it's a fever and rash. The rash is the last thing to crop up. It's kind of a scale. The worse the flare, the more intense the symptoms. Mostly I just want to stay in bed until it passes. I had a mild one a few weeks ago. None have been to the point of hospitalisation, thank fuck but I'm aware that could be in my future. Don't think that shit, Al. Seriously, there's no need. Neither of us knew how to handle any of the shit. It's on me as much as you. I should've been honest about everything I'd been thinking and why."

"It's Mark," Alec relented quietly, trying to massage the band of pain that felt like it was being pulled tightly across his forehead. He could tell by the location of where the headache had settled that it was tension as much as a hangover. "This latest breakdown for him as been next level. Which is understandable in hindsight. Sammy and I had some really tough and painful chats when we knew Mark had started drinking again. We both had suspicions that there was way more to it than just falling off the wagon when he heard Sammy had cancer and I put it out there that it was probably time to consider that there was a chance he could have bipolar too. I could see it wasn't the same typing as Justin's. Mark's presents in a very different way. Justin's Rapid-Cycling with mixed episodes, so he goes from manic to depressed quickly and repeatedly, sometimes both at the same time. His triggers are associated with his trauma or emotional stress. Sparky is clearly Bipolar II. He has more depressive symptoms and his highs aren't clear-cut mania, they're hypomanic. Less severe, less frequent. How much of a workaholic he is has likely been a symptom for a long time. There's trauma there too but it's different. His relates to a deep-seated feeling of failure to protect the people he loves. The first breakdown was when we though Jim had been murdered. The second was when he found out Justin was a sexual abuse victim. Then now, with Sammy's diagnosis. He drank to self-medicate and to sustain him through the hypomania where he couldn't switch off to keep working ridiculous hours on little sleep. The part I'm struggling with is we only knew to look once Jus was in our lives and we learned how severe his mental illnesses were because they went so long undiagnosed and untreated. Plus, Sparky being the big brother, he's had a lifetime of learning to mask in ways Justin is unable. Like, you look at Jus when he's having an episode, you can see it. You can hear it. You know if he's manic or depressed or both. It can escalate or change very quickly, but we see the signs. You don't with Sparky. Until he's at his absolute worst and everything's crashing down around him, you don't see it. He doesn't even see it. I feel guilty about that because he's my brother and I'm a psychiatrist. Not even merely a psychiatrist, I'm a trauma specialist. While it's much easier to care for Justin and understand why his symptoms are doing what they are and the best way to manage them, I'm the same age as Sparky and I don't see when he probably needs help. Part of that is because he's so used to being the big brother - and a father - and shouldering everything to protect us, that doesn't take away the fact he's sick too. This what has happened isn't his fault. He wouldn't have drank knowing he was going to the hospital for Justin. But he was so stressed about Justin possibly not being able to hold himself up on the bars, he had a brain fart and fucked up using strong alcohol sanitiser on his hands a couple of times without thinking. We couldn't see it coming, it was an error, but the last thing he or Sammy needed was me rocking up during a crisis with a hangover. Have you talked to anyone about being sick and being diagnosed with a disease you'll have for the rest of your life? Not the surface-level stuff, the emotional grief-process that comes with that. I realise the irony of me asking that when I've just word-vomited all over you about my problems. I'm sorry, love."

Kade offered an understanding hum with a nod. "It was a massive deal, Justin with his physio. Not being able to support himself on the bars could indicate much more serious long-term issues from his injuries and that could mean his entire career is on the line. There's no way Mark would've hit any sort of booze prior to that, episode or not. It would negate literally everything Mark is innately. I know it's easy to lose control with booze and I'm sure the cravings have to be crippling for an addict but Mark would never purposefully sabotage his support of his son. He would give his life to protect his kids. The fear that Justin might not be able to dance or even perform after these injuries has got to be crushing for your family, let alone for Justin himself. That sort of trauma and adjacent trauma hits people in different ways. Which is why you really need to stop beating yourself up for this, babe. I'm serious. You got pissed on a night out with mates who are like brothers to you because of what you went through together. Your brother's got cancer, your other brother is having a breakdown, and your nephew was nearly killed in a car crash. Drinking a bit too heavily when you're stressed isn't a crime." He shrugged, toying with the leather and silver cuff on his wrist, which happened to be a gift from Alec when they were dating previously. "I've talked about it to my folks, of course, and Keegs. I talked to him a lot, actually. There wasn't a single day I was in hospital that he didn't Zoom call with me. He's wise beyond his years and he knows his shit with what he's studying. But the sort of talking you're meaning here? Probably not as much as I should have, I'll admit that. Mostly because it didn't feel like talking would do much. It is what it is."

"I don't think any of us are emotionally equipped to confront the awful possibility that this could signal the end of Justin's dance career or what's even supposed to happen if it does. Catastrophising anything pre-emptively won't help anyone, least of all Justin because he has overcome things in the past he probably shouldn't have even survived. It's just hard to be positive and hopeful. The thing is, I know Jus would be fighting all this with any iota of strength he has left but he has none because he's crushed about Sash. No one can tell him if it's going to be okay or if he should keep trying to hang on. Sash might not regain this portion of his memory, though. Then because he's brain-injured, he might not be the person Justin fell in love with anymore and that means he might not fall in love with Justin. Jus know this and there aren't enough words to describe how painfully heartbreaking it is to lose someone who is still there physically but you've lost them in mind, heart, and soul. I think Sparky feels he's too inadequate to help Jus through this and even if we can rationally know that it's his mind playing tricks on him - and Sparky even knows it - that doesn't prevent him feeling it. That's what mental illness is. The best analogy I've ever heard is if we're mentally unwell, that it's like our own brain gaslighting us all the time in varying degrees. I've been thinking about that a lot since we finally deduced Sparky has bipolar too. Genetics. Both my biological parents died from cancer. Hell, it's how they met, having chemo together. You're right, I think I just got a bit carried away last night. There's usually something I can do to help my family, but this time, there's fucking nothing." Alec gave a resolute shake of his head. "But on the upside? It forced us to have shit out finally. You called me out, just like you bloody well should have. I've been a fucking dick. We should never have broken up. If we hadn't, you wouldn't have gotten sick. Even then, I should've been with you when you did. I should've been taking care of you while you were ill and recovering. You've got to be feeling like I'm incapable of listening when you need me to the most. Or like I hear everyone else but you... and I'm so sorry for that."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

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