dreamlikenewyork | "Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

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"Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

Who: Kade King and Alec Campbell
What: Shitstorm of Family Matters
Where: Sydney, AU
When: After this

Kade poured the bottle of chilled spring water from he mini bar fridge into a glass. He set it down on the nightstand by the sprawling king sized bed and collected the stainless steel bin from the bathroom, bringing it through and placing it on the floor by the bed with a mumbled sigh of, "Don't know what the fuck I'm even doing..."

Against his better judgement and the practical little voice in his head telling him not to, once Alec finished barfing up everything he had eaten in a week in hospital carpark, Kade suggested to Alec they fork out for a room in the hotel nextdoor to the hospital so Alec could lie down and try to sleep off the hangover for a couple of hours so he could get his head back in the game for his family. Kade planned to just leave him there in his own misery but both Sam and Ava's pointed words to both of them to sort their shit out was swirling around his head. Plus, no matter how pissed off he was, his conscience wouldn't let him leave Alec while he was feeling this rough.

Alec was lying on the bed where he gingerly sunk himself onto as soon as Kade opened the door to the room with the swipe card. Kade went back to the bathroom and wet one of the face cloths, coming back and handing it to Alec. Then he sat on the side of the bed, swiping a hand over his face. The anger had dissipated inside him and now he wasn't even sure what he was feeling, let alone what he should be feeling. Whatever it was, it was hard not to feel like it was the end of a very long road, one that he had encountered nothing but dead-ends on lately. He really thought he was done. There had been a glimmer of hope after they slept together in the midst of trying to talk their shit out after he came to the hospital to offer the Campbells his support, but yet again, Alec gave nothing. Kade was sick to fucking death of nothing.

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"I'd just gotten the results to the antibodies blood test the day before Justin and Sash's accident. One test of a slew of exams the doctor was doing, so I hadn't had a formal diagnosis but that was floated as a likely possibility. They wanted to rule other things out first. I wouldn't have purposefully not told you as punishment or anything like that. You know that's not me. The thing about work is that I've been in more a supervisory role this year anyway, so not nearly as hands-on unless there was a major all hands on deck emergency situation. Even then, it was more conversations on a walkie-talkie than grunt work. Like, don't get me wrong, my symptoms are really mild and manageable but the wake up call has been knowing it could get worse at some point. I had to seriously think about longevity with my job and the more I started to interrogate that with myself, the more I started to realise I wanted to get back into the clinical side of sports therapy. And that there was nothing really tying me to Sydney if I got out of lifesaving." Kade smirked, drawing his knees up so he could resting his elbows on them. "The irony that we're sitting on the bathroom floor because you're puking and you're asking me if I'm okay. I am, babe. Obviously, I've got medical stuff going on but what's happening with your family has kept it all in perspective. I'll have some rough patches with flare ups but it's helped me get my head around what I really want out of life. Maybe you should've been there but no sense in thinking about what we can't change. Just look forward, not back."

"Tell me about the medical stuff? I mean, specifics. Your medical stuff. Lupus can present in a multitude of ways. Some people get all the symptoms, others can be completely asymptomatic if the illness is dormant. I know you don't like to dwell on that sort of stuff and you'd prefer to just get on with it if you can but this isn't something that has a cure so if we're doing this again - trying to give it all another go or at least figuring out if we can - I need to know how to help you when you're having a flare up. Even if it's classified mild, the flare ups can still be miserable and make you feel really shitty. My family stuff is here to stay too. It won't stop me taking care of you when you need it. You have to let me, though. I won't encroach if you don't need it and if you just want to try to take it on the chin, I'll respect that. But you don't have to, babe. I don't want you thinking you have to either. The only way we can look forward is remembering how we fucked it up in the past. That's never the person I wanted to be. Will you let me help when you need it?" Alec knew Kade was a proud guy and really did have that Olympian mindset of mind over matter and pushing through the hard stuff to reap the benefits. He always would be like that but something like this, he was going to have to learn that it was okay to lean on the person you loved those days where things just felt plain shitty.

"Joint and muscle pain, fatigue, and headaches are really the most there is to it. Sometimes I get that rash on my cheeks but it's mild. I do feel pretty shit when it's flaring up, though. I've had days where it's a struggle to get out of bed. Literally. I went back to live with Mum and Dad so they could give me a hand when it happened but it's not happening as frequently now or lasting as long. It's all still a bit weird for me to think about. I've always been lucky with my health and keeping fit. Then suddenly, my body was cockblocking it and it was doctor's appointments and a whole bunch of tests. I was so exhausted all the time, no matter how much I slept. Never fatigue like it in my life and I used to work myself into the ground training. Having days where I was sitting on the floor of the shower crying because I was so fucking tired was a tough gig." Kade rubbed Alec's shoulder, enjoying that they could just sit and be close after so much tension and strain between them for so long. "Needless to say, I'm not the most pleasant person when it's happening so I apologise in advance for that but mostly I just want to hibernate through it until it eases off. That's why I came to the conclusion that I still wanted to work but it would have to be something I could adjust my hours and handle my own schedule as needed. Plus, the summer heat here can flare it up so a bit of a colder climate can't hurt. I'd rather have you with me helping than trying to go it alone. Without a fucking doubt. But I know it's laying a lot on you too when you already have so much going on."

When Alec rubbed his hand over his face, it was nothing more than tired bewilderment as he listened. "K, you don't need to do shit like apologise in advance for having a chronic illness. I'm a Campbell. I can handle it. But there's also this little factor of me being a doctor that I think gives me a bit of an edge too. In all seriousness, though, I know how lupus can hit someone. I know the physical and psychological challenges that come with it. Pain and fatigue of a chronic illness is next fucking level during flares. It's not laying a lot on me. You know whatever went down between us that veered off the rails has nothing to do with how much we care for each other or want to be there for each other. So, I don't need you to apologise now or at any point in the future. And I want you to remember me saying this. Make peace with it now so you don't need to think about it when you have those bad patches down the track. All I ask is you tell me if you're not feeling great if it's not so obvious on the outside, so I really can be there for you. At least, until we find a groove together again. I also don't want you thinking you automatically come second to my family if things are chaotic with them. Believe it or not, before Jus and Sash had the accident, things were going pretty smoothly. I honestly don't know how it's going to be from now on, though. But you don't come second. You should never have been made to feel like that. Do you trust that I can shoulder everything? If not, it's okay for you to tell me."

"I guess what I was actually trying to say was I don't want you to feel obligated and now it's out there, it sounds dumb and not what I really mean anyway. It's just reflexive of the awkward limbo we've been in. The reality is, I've missed you so fucking much and when I sick and at rock bottom, you're the one I wanted there with me. So many fucking times, I nearly called you. I know Mum nearly told your mum but I made her swear not to. The last thing I want is for you to feel like you have to keep reassuring me you're going to be there, so just chalk it up to me trying to find my feet with this again. A lot's changed since last time and it'll take time to find our feet. We don't need to rush the process. Let me just backpedal and say, yeah, the flares are pretty shithouse. The pain really does a number on my mood too. I realised that when even Keegan told me to chill and stop being a cunt one day when he was just trying to help me. Legit, I was being a cunt," Kade confirmed with a laugh, taking Alec's hand and letting their fingers easily lace together. "I want to say it's not obvious on the outside when I'm having a flare but it is. But I'll let you know. I can make that promise. Only thing is, I'm kind of a germ magnet after the infections, so I don't always know it's a flare. But I'll tell you if I'm feeling shit. Besides being there for your family, how's things been you? Life in general, all that shit. I asked Mum if she had any updates and she told me if I wanted to know, I should ask you myself."

Alec stretched his back a little, trying to rub away some of the tension in the muscle between his neck and shoulder. He always carried stress the most there and he was pretty sure his headache couldn't all be factored to a hangover when tension headaches weren't uncommon for him. "Yeah, it sounds dumb. But considering my current state, dumb isn't something I can judge on, love. And don't worry, I'm a psychiatrist, I understand why you feel that way and why your instinct is to try to buffer this for me because of what my family's dealing with. So, if I swear not to do that about my shit, will you swear not to do it for yours? Neither of us have ever been good at confronting vulnerability in any way so if we're going to try to be each other's exception to that, we've got to find a rhythm with it. It's not like I can plead ignorance. My teenage nephew is about a billion times better at this shit than I am. Trust me, it's not through lack of me studying how he still manages that when everything else in his life is exploding in his face all the time. Seriously, if Sparky can manage it and finally hold together a successful marriage with this lady who is clearly his soul mate, we can do it. When was your last flare? What happens and what do you need that I can give you without needing to ask when it happens? I don't want to make any assumptions. Everyone manages their illnesses in their own way." He rested his head back against the wall, offering a faint smile of apology. "The more I think about it, the more I feel like an arsehole for pretty much ghosting you after we slept together at Ava's that night. I want you to know that no matter the dumbfuck move I pulled after, having you close that night to take my mind off everything was what I needed more than anything."

"Is this extra forceful self-flagellation over your hangover because of what just happened with Mark or are you going to confess to me you've ended up with a booze problem too? It's not like anyone would blame you. No one would blame anyone in your family. Everyone has a breaking point. Even psychiatrists. Especially psychiatrists." Kade gave a low whistle but had to nod and Alec's observation about them. "Vulnerability. It sure can be a bitch. Probably because it's an assumption of weakness. You want to know the fucked up part? I was weak after I was sick. Probably the most weak I'd been in my life and, yeah, my flares really floor me. The pain and fatigue usually worsens, like with a pretty sharp upswing so I know when a flare is coming. Then over the next few days, upset stomach, headache and possibly dizziness sets in, then it's a fever and rash. The rash is the last thing to crop up. It's kind of a scale. The worse the flare, the more intense the symptoms. Mostly I just want to stay in bed until it passes. I had a mild one a few weeks ago. None have been to the point of hospitalisation, thank fuck but I'm aware that could be in my future. Don't think that shit, Al. Seriously, there's no need. Neither of us knew how to handle any of the shit. It's on me as much as you. I should've been honest about everything I'd been thinking and why."

"It's Mark," Alec relented quietly, trying to massage the band of pain that felt like it was being pulled tightly across his forehead. He could tell by the location of where the headache had settled that it was tension as much as a hangover. "This latest breakdown for him as been next level. Which is understandable in hindsight. Sammy and I had some really tough and painful chats when we knew Mark had started drinking again. We both had suspicions that there was way more to it than just falling off the wagon when he heard Sammy had cancer and I put it out there that it was probably time to consider that there was a chance he could have bipolar too. I could see it wasn't the same typing as Justin's. Mark's presents in a very different way. Justin's Rapid-Cycling with mixed episodes, so he goes from manic to depressed quickly and repeatedly, sometimes both at the same time. His triggers are associated with his trauma or emotional stress. Sparky is clearly Bipolar II. He has more depressive symptoms and his highs aren't clear-cut mania, they're hypomanic. Less severe, less frequent. How much of a workaholic he is has likely been a symptom for a long time. There's trauma there too but it's different. His relates to a deep-seated feeling of failure to protect the people he loves. The first breakdown was when we though Jim had been murdered. The second was when he found out Justin was a sexual abuse victim. Then now, with Sammy's diagnosis. He drank to self-medicate and to sustain him through the hypomania where he couldn't switch off to keep working ridiculous hours on little sleep. The part I'm struggling with is we only knew to look once Jus was in our lives and we learned how severe his mental illnesses were because they went so long undiagnosed and untreated. Plus, Sparky being the big brother, he's had a lifetime of learning to mask in ways Justin is unable. Like, you look at Jus when he's having an episode, you can see it. You can hear it. You know if he's manic or depressed or both. It can escalate or change very quickly, but we see the signs. You don't with Sparky. Until he's at his absolute worst and everything's crashing down around him, you don't see it. He doesn't even see it. I feel guilty about that because he's my brother and I'm a psychiatrist. Not even merely a psychiatrist, I'm a trauma specialist. While it's much easier to care for Justin and understand why his symptoms are doing what they are and the best way to manage them, I'm the same age as Sparky and I don't see when he probably needs help. Part of that is because he's so used to being the big brother - and a father - and shouldering everything to protect us, that doesn't take away the fact he's sick too. This what has happened isn't his fault. He wouldn't have drank knowing he was going to the hospital for Justin. But he was so stressed about Justin possibly not being able to hold himself up on the bars, he had a brain fart and fucked up using strong alcohol sanitiser on his hands a couple of times without thinking. We couldn't see it coming, it was an error, but the last thing he or Sammy needed was me rocking up during a crisis with a hangover. Have you talked to anyone about being sick and being diagnosed with a disease you'll have for the rest of your life? Not the surface-level stuff, the emotional grief-process that comes with that. I realise the irony of me asking that when I've just word-vomited all over you about my problems. I'm sorry, love."

Kade offered an understanding hum with a nod. "It was a massive deal, Justin with his physio. Not being able to support himself on the bars could indicate much more serious long-term issues from his injuries and that could mean his entire career is on the line. There's no way Mark would've hit any sort of booze prior to that, episode or not. It would negate literally everything Mark is innately. I know it's easy to lose control with booze and I'm sure the cravings have to be crippling for an addict but Mark would never purposefully sabotage his support of his son. He would give his life to protect his kids. The fear that Justin might not be able to dance or even perform after these injuries has got to be crushing for your family, let alone for Justin himself. That sort of trauma and adjacent trauma hits people in different ways. Which is why you really need to stop beating yourself up for this, babe. I'm serious. You got pissed on a night out with mates who are like brothers to you because of what you went through together. Your brother's got cancer, your other brother is having a breakdown, and your nephew was nearly killed in a car crash. Drinking a bit too heavily when you're stressed isn't a crime." He shrugged, toying with the leather and silver cuff on his wrist, which happened to be a gift from Alec when they were dating previously. "I've talked about it to my folks, of course, and Keegs. I talked to him a lot, actually. There wasn't a single day I was in hospital that he didn't Zoom call with me. He's wise beyond his years and he knows his shit with what he's studying. But the sort of talking you're meaning here? Probably not as much as I should have, I'll admit that. Mostly because it didn't feel like talking would do much. It is what it is."

"I don't think any of us are emotionally equipped to confront the awful possibility that this could signal the end of Justin's dance career or what's even supposed to happen if it does. Catastrophising anything pre-emptively won't help anyone, least of all Justin because he has overcome things in the past he probably shouldn't have even survived. It's just hard to be positive and hopeful. The thing is, I know Jus would be fighting all this with any iota of strength he has left but he has none because he's crushed about Sash. No one can tell him if it's going to be okay or if he should keep trying to hang on. Sash might not regain this portion of his memory, though. Then because he's brain-injured, he might not be the person Justin fell in love with anymore and that means he might not fall in love with Justin. Jus know this and there aren't enough words to describe how painfully heartbreaking it is to lose someone who is still there physically but you've lost them in mind, heart, and soul. I think Sparky feels he's too inadequate to help Jus through this and even if we can rationally know that it's his mind playing tricks on him - and Sparky even knows it - that doesn't prevent him feeling it. That's what mental illness is. The best analogy I've ever heard is if we're mentally unwell, that it's like our own brain gaslighting us all the time in varying degrees. I've been thinking about that a lot since we finally deduced Sparky has bipolar too. Genetics. Both my biological parents died from cancer. Hell, it's how they met, having chemo together. You're right, I think I just got a bit carried away last night. There's usually something I can do to help my family, but this time, there's fucking nothing." Alec gave a resolute shake of his head. "But on the upside? It forced us to have shit out finally. You called me out, just like you bloody well should have. I've been a fucking dick. We should never have broken up. If we hadn't, you wouldn't have gotten sick. Even then, I should've been with you when you did. I should've been taking care of you while you were ill and recovering. You've got to be feeling like I'm incapable of listening when you need me to the most. Or like I hear everyone else but you... and I'm so sorry for that."

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"Now there's a strange way and awkward feelings..."

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