dreamlikenewyork | "But either way, I got you in my DNA."

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"But either way, I got you in my DNA."

Who: Jesse Hartley and Cillian O'Donovan
What: A simple twist of AncestryDNA
Where: Hartley/Turner/Casey Home, NYC
When: After this and this

Jesse finished loading their bed clothes in the washing machine when he heard the doorbell chime and checked his watch for the time. The morning had started out pretty badly and time really got away from him but he wasn't foreign to a bit of chaos from time to time. There was just more than their fair share of it in the family lately. At least Merlin was being discharged from hospital, which was a weight off everyone's mind now he was on the mend.

Then Jace had a seizure when he went to the grocery store with Nana Turner, so Jesse had turned down shifts at work for the rest of the week so he could take care of him for what would inevitably be a few days out of action. Jace slept most of yesterday away but he was really struggling with is functioning, so needed Jesse's help with everything. When he woke up that morning, he was a little more lucid but ended up having an accident in bed when his brain misfired the messages to his body. He was feeling pretty miserable and wanted to go back to bed to sleep once Jesse got everything cleaned up and remade the bed. Jesse gave him a kiss and a cuddle, tucking him in and telling him to just call out if he needed help. Jesse would keep a close eye on him anyway, in case there were any aftershock seizures.

Regardless of that, he still had every intention of keeping his promise to Merlin to reach out to Cillian for a chat. Even if it was just to get a bit more information and clarity around who he was and what intentions he had. He hoped that it helped allay some of Merlin's anxiety about the whole thing and help him make the massive decisions he faced. He spent a lot of time with Merlin the evening before last, asking him what he wanted to know of Cillian and if there was anything he wanted Jesse not to get into. No matter what happened, it was going to be difficult. Jesse knew that, having gone through meeting his own paternal biological family. Luckily for him, that all turned out pretty amazing but he knew it could just have easily gone the other way.

He went to answer the door and as soon as he opened it, couldn't help being surprised to not find someone standing there but sitting... in a wheelchair. There was no doubting it was guy in the photo from AncestryDNA that Merlin had shown them, though, so he smiled and offered his hand. "Cillian? I'm Jesse. It's nice to meet you in person."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Thank ya', Jesse. For explainin' what I respect is a really complex situation. Ya' didn't have to do any o' this and he didn't have to arrange for it, either. Ya' certainly didn't have to pry open ya' personal o' family struggles for me, but I'm truly grateful ya' have. I don't know if I could put any o' this into words as well as ya' have to help me ease into understandin' the challenges Merlin's had in his life. It actually makes me really proud to hear that he loves everyone in his life so much, to the point I know a lot o' it has to be painful for him. The only reason I'm here is I wanted him to know that I love him and I care 'bout him. Sendin' him a DM o' some impersonal message online wasn't enough. Tried to write one many times, in fact. None o' it felt enough. Took a long heart to heart with my granny to get some perspective and wrap my head 'round it. She was the one who asked me if the reason why it felt like I couldn't get the words on the screen right may be because I knew in my heart I needed to say them in person. Just had to come and give it a go. Only, now hearin' how tough he's had things, I'm havin' regrets 'bout contributin' to it. Sounds like ya' whole family just needs a break to catch ya' breath and I'm really not helpin' on that. So, can I just ask ya' out right, do ya' think I should head back to Ireland and wait for him to reach out to me when - if - he's ready to? Give him that breathin' space? Ya' know ya' wee brother, ya'd know what it is he needs the most right now. To know I love him and care enough to come here to see him, o' head back and leave the ball in his court?" Cillian asked, gesturing with the cookie that he had so far just been using as something to do with his hand rather than eating it.

He laughed too at that and shrugged. "That, I can't deny. Extra is probably exactly what my family is about family. A wee bit o' an Irish thing, that. Maybe that's a wee bit o' his genes comin' out in him. He was bullied? What on earth could they possibly want to bully him for? For all I've heard, he sounds like a sweet, kind, smart, and talented kid. But I know kids can be arseholes for no rhyme nor reason sometimes. Did he have it tough as a child with ADHD? I know it can manifest in some really difficult ways for some kids and they need medication to cope."

Jesse offered a little wave of his hand and smiled. "It's really okay. Merlin's my lil' brother and because he sometimes feels emotions in a really intense way because of his ADHD, Damien and I know that he needs a bit of backup support as a buffer. But honestly, that's mostly been Brandon's job lately. With the relapse, I think they've been trying to spare each other pain and stress, which really just creates more. But they're still learning the marriage thing. What they don't tell you about the vows is that they're not just a promise to each other, they're kind of a dot point list of what is absolutely going to challenge you at one point or another. In sickness and in health is a massive one. Brandon and Merlin didn't even want to include the 'Til death us do part' one, for obvious reasons. When it comes to cancer, you don't want to tempt fate. I really don't think any of this - me being a stopover to him meeting you - is because he doesn't want to meet you or is apprehensive in any way. It's just so big for him that he can't take it all in one bite. His cup just isn't full enough to cope. Had Brandon's remission still stuck and Merlin hadn't fallen ill, I don't think he would've needed me for a buffer. Don't have regrets. Regrets just burn up energy you can utilise elsewhere. Don't leave yet, either. I can see how you might be thinking that's a valiant option to give him a chance to catch up but when he reaches out to you and you're here, trust me, that will be a big deal for him. Probably not one he realises yet. I can say that without a shadow of a doubt, as someone who tried to reach out to his real dad and discovered I was just too late. My new siblings, they're amazing and I love them. It's been a blessing to come into each other's lives. But I do really feel that big hole of knowing I'll never meet my real dad. I could put flowers on a grave and that's it. You and Merlin have both fought a lot to get here. You deserve it to be everything it should be."

He stretched back, linking his fingers together behind his head with a nod. "Because he was small. Because he wore glasses. Because he would have meltdowns he couldn't control. Because he got migraines that would make him sick at school. Kids can definitely be real assholes. Jokes on all them, though. He grew up majorly talented and hooked one of the most eligible Gen Z bachelors on the planet. Karma did her job." He smirked, still finding it amusing because he knew a lot of Merlin's high school classmates who were assholes to him tried to reach out to him on social media once it broke that he was first connected to Justin, and then Brandon. He told them to go fuck themselves and blocked them. "He did have a tough childhood but it wasn't because of lack of love. Not even remotely. Neurodivergence is just a tough gig. It came out in him as a child very differently to how it does now he's an adult. Now, mostly, he just stresses a lot. His medication keeps it well controlled. It's just when there's a lot going on that he struggles."

"Ya' now, when I heard that he wanted ya' and I to meet first, I didn't think o' it in the sense o' a buffer. Just thought it was smart. Didn't actually realise right off that he had two big brothers and bein' both a bit and a wee brother myself, I truly did get it. Probably would've done the same thing for my sisters. Ya' not just protectin' him, ya' takin' some o' the weight so he doesn't have to go in fully blindsided. Gives ya' a chance to make a deduction on my intentions. All that. The emotional buffer is the most important, 'cause I don't need more than a wee bit o' intelligence to know that what he's been through, it'd have left him maybe not quite as able to fill his cup as much as before. That's what trauma does, robs us o' sturdy foundations 'til we have more time to heal. He hasn't. Saw from the wee bit I read 'bout Brandon to see if he could help me meet Merlin was he hasn't been in remission long, so relapse news, it's come when things are still tender. Not been enough time to find their footin' again. My timin' is absolute bollocks and for that, I am sorry. Resilience, though? I can hear ya' whole family'd have that in spades by now. The balls it takes to even agree to let me come to ya' home when ya' husband isn't well and I can see ya' fatigued. Don't forget to take care o' ya'self. Compassion fatigue or vicarious trauma, it can be swift when it hits and kneecap us before we realise it's comin'. Did Merlin and Brandon have a nice weddin'? I think I spotted one of their wedding photos on ya' mantel o'er there? Couldn't be sure from this distance. Just look a different colour scheme to the photo of ya' own weddin' photo on the wall there. Make a mighty good lookin' couple, ya' do," Cillian told Jesse, smiling. It had been hard not to take in the large amount of family photos in the living room here. It reminded Cillian of his folks' home back in Ireland and made him a wee bit homesick for his family. He knew they were all waiting for updates but he didn't have enough to give them yet.

Then, a burst of anger swelled up inside him like lava hearing the things his flesh and blood son had been subjected to at the hands of bastard kid bullies. He hadn't been bullied in school, he had always been part of the popular crowd but he always stood up to bullies. It had been tough for him climbing the ranks in the military, having to be so regimented and even aggressive when training ranks his junior. His least favourite part of his career was running drills. "I should've been in his life. Do ya' know if his folks had a preference for a closed adoption? I know if they did, me bein' here is goin' to have an additional level of difficulty for them to face. Not tellin' him he was adopted seems to indicate they did. If I'd have known he existed, I would've moved mountains to be in his life. I couldn't have given him up for adoption. Small blessin's, I guess. He had the family he belonged with. I'm real sorry ya' didn't have that too, mate."

Jesse swept his tongue over his lips and then put his mug to his lips, using the tea as a way to try to maintain his composure and not get too emotional. He had this shaky feeling inside, like an urge to cry that wasn't cry fully realising itself and he didn't know specifically where it was coming from. It was a mixed bag, none of which he wanted to completely lay on Cillian. It would be a leaning against the shower wall with the hard spray beating down on him with his head against the tiles and just letting it all come out later. "I think a lot of it is because Brandon's relapse has floored us all. Collectively as a family, we're pretty fragile and they haven't even told most people yet. It's a work in progress. I think Brandon wants to take it more steadily this time. Last time, by the time he had medical intervention, the leukemia was extremely aggressive. He waited too long, he thought he was just taking longer to recover from a bad flu bug and dealing with work burnout. It didn't cross his mind he could have cancer because how does it when you're young? This time, he was onto his medical team at the first sign. He has more breathing space but the timing has been atrocious. We didn't know Merlin was sick. It's common for him to get stomach upsets when he's stressed and he was stressed that Brandon could be relapsing. That's something he did specifically want me to convey to you, that he wasn't delaying you or holding you off because of you wanting to meet him or how it's all playing out. It's not at all. It's almost entirely down to Brandon being sick and getting over surgery. Even in saying that, Brandon's not obviously unwell. He's fatigued and his pallor gives him away a bit but believe it or not, just a few weeks ago, he was the most well he has been since we've known him. He'd been putting on weight, regaining strength working with a personal trainer, he had more energy, he was eating full meals. It's just one of those awful things about cancer. Actually, one of his doctors, Tara's Oncology Resident, he's one of my closest friends and had survived two bouts of the same type of leukemia Brandon has. It was just the same for him. He was fine, then the relapse hit out of nowhere. Just wanted to give you a little more context around it because when Merlin sees you, it'll be when Brandon's heading back into treatment, so it might just take an added layer of strength for you both. I think you being a doctor will really be a comfort to Merlin, knowing he doesn't have to spell it all out for you. But I should also warn you that Merlin might fire a pile of questions at you. He's just that type of person. He'll want to know as much about you as he can all at once but then it could take time for him to process it."

He looked over at the photos and put his mug down again, taking the wide opening to dodge drawing attention to his own struggles. Only because he was still trying to work out how he felt overall with everything that had dramatically changed in the last few weeks. "Of course. Sorry. I should've asked if you wanted to see some of their wedding photos. Hold on a second." He got up and went over to the bookshelf lining the wall near the fireplace and found the album of photos from Merlin and Brandon's wedding. "They had an incredible wedding. Merlin did a lot of the background work getting it together but everyone pitched in to help give them the special day they deserved. Very emotional and lots of tears, and Brandon was unwell on and off throughout, but it was still a fantastic day. They both actually found out that night at their reception that Merlin was a donor match. Before that, hope was dwindling. I'm not fully versed in the specifics of the Larsons adoption but no, I don't believe they ever made a choice for it to be 'closed' per se, just that they didn't want him to know my mother was who gave birth to him. I think they always planned to tell him once he was old enough to understand but it probably got harder to actually go through with it, so they never did. They're lovely people. They're not going to spite your presence. In fact, I think they'll welcome you with open arms. I'll eat my words if they don't. But I've known them my whole life. Damien and I have been best friends since babies. There was only nine months age difference between us. Our mothers went to the church mother and baby group together. You need to tell him that, spell it out to him. If there's one thing I wish my wn biological dad could've said to me, it was that he loved and wanted me. But I'll never know. Can only get secondhand opinions on it."

"It's sweet that he's been so considerate but he truly doesn't have to worry 'bout me on any front. I'm not comin' in expectin' anythin' o' assumin' anythin'. The ball is entirely in his court and if he still feels like he wants to pull the plug, I won't think anythin' bad o' him. Entirely the opposite. If it's really not the right time o' he ultimately feels like he's not ready to face any o' it, I'll understand and I really want him to understand that, if ya' think ya' can convey that to him before he makes any decisions. He's overloaded and he's not well. Plus, he's got conditions that impacts his emotional regulation. Truly, I'm takin' on board everythin' ya' sayin'. The last thing I want is causin' him stress that'll make him feel sick o' impede his recovery. Please just make sure he knows that. I can go home and come back any time. I own my own practice, so I can take leave at my leisure. All my other commitments can take a back seat. If I'd have known he and Brandon has so much on their plate, I wouldn't have tried to reach out now. But at the same time, I guess since my accident, I know how fragile life is, so once I knew I had a son, I needed him to know he mattered to me. Not sayin' I know anythin' 'bout bein' a father o' havin' a kid o' my own but it's not like he needs parentin'. Parentin' and love are two very different things, though. Family's one o' the most important things to me and always has been. But this is on Merlin's terms. If he needs anythin', though, even if he decides he's not ready to meet, I'm a call o' a text away. Anythin' at all," Cillian insisted, hoping that, if nothing else, Jesse could deliver that message to Merlin. He really had taken on board everything both Brandon and Jesse had said to him and he respected the complicated and difficult situation it was. If there was one thing he understood needing in times or trauma or stress, it was time and space. For many months after his accident and paraplegia diagnosis, he hadn't been able to face up to seeing any of his extended family. He knew they loved him and wanted to help, but he hadn't been psychologically ready to talk about what happened. Even to this day, he had days with his PTSD that he just couldn't talk things out. He would never want to push his son into anything he wasn't ready or strong enough to face. "Even still, he can ask me as many o' as few questions as he needs. There's nothin' I won't talk to him 'bout, no matter how hard."

He felt an excited tickle in his gut when Jesse said he had photos of Merlin and Brandon's wedding he could see. That was an unexpected but pleasant surprise and he was smiling when Jesse handed him the beautiful photo album. Even from the first page, he was awed by how beautiful the whole thing was. "Bloody hell, it's amazin'. Wow, everyone looks so glamorous. Guess that's the perks o' bein' a celeb and rubbin' shoulders with others like ya'." Then he came across the first picture of Merlin and Brandon smiling at each other with a backdrop of fairy lights, candles and lanterns and he touched his finger to the image. "They look 'bout as happy as any couple could be. If ya' didn't know, ya' wouldn't be able to really spot that Brandon's ill. They're beautiful kids. Can't quite believe I made one o' them but I see a family resemblance. Merlin's like my mum. She's short and has glasses, same kind o' thick wavy hair. The O'Donovan hazel-green eyes too. Long line o' that on our side. Ya' don't know what it means for me to see these, Jesse. Thank ya'. I mean that from the bottom o' my heart. I'm glad he's found the love o' his life."

Jesse smiled as he listened and watched Cillian looking through the wedding album. It was nice to hear him talking like this about Merlin and his family, but there was something in how awed he was looking at all the photos and Jesse knew it had nothing to do with the fact that Brandon was a millionaire and no expense was spared on the wedding. It had been gorgeous and could've ended up between the pages of a bridal magazine had either of them wanted to publicly share photos of their wedding. They hadn't. They both made the choice right off the bat it wasn't for fan consumption. He knew it was about how happy everyone looked in the photos. Maybe the marriage had come quick and the reasons why had been really painful, but all their families came together so well and had a ball celebrating Merlin and Brandon that night. Now Cillian and his family were another extension of that, even if it took time. He hoped one day, they'd all be able to come together again like that with them including. "You don't have to worry. You might not know anything about being a father but Merlin's got a pretty damn good handle on being a great son. And just so you know, in case it helps, we've got family friends who came into their kids' lives late and they probably have some of the best parent-child relationships I've ever seen, so I can vouch that even if it might be hard and take a lot of work, it's never too late. If you want evidence to back me up, just Google Justin Campbell and his dad. Justin's spoken a lot about how finding his dad saved his life and he's not over-exaggerating. That's very literal. You don't need to thank me for anything. I'm happy to help and if any of this has helped reassure you that you're doing the right thing, it's worth it."

Cillian couldn't fathom being a father in the position of having to literally save his own kid's life. He could barely fathom being a father and didn't feel close to being one save for a few random numbers spat out in a DNA sequence that told him was one. He knew a little about Justin, of course, but mostly through his mum and sister, who were professional dancers. When Cillian finally found out who his son was - Justin's Broadway co-star - they filled him in a little on Justin's career and he did some reading about the Footloose show and how Merlin won a rigorous international talent competition to score the role. It was nice to hear that Justin and Merlin were somewhat in a similar boat with this father thing, though no doubt extremely different circumstances, considering his sister had told him Justin was a huge advocate for young people with mental illness because he was a survivor himself. "So... if Justin's dad had any advice for someone like me, what do ya' think it'd be? Don't get me wrong, I did have a wee chat to my own pop 'bout this kind o' thing but his response somethin' along the line's o' the basic 'I don't know how to be a dad to an American'. Let's just say Irish Catholic parents can be a unique breed sometimes. I think he's pretty convinced Merlin won't want to visit us o'er there because it's a far, far cry from a place like New York and bein' married to a celebrity. Brandon did very seem down-to-earth with the wee chat I had with him, though I'm conscious he was stressed and exhausted, so maybe he's the epitome o' a celebrity when he's feelin' fine. I'd say my dad just tryin' not to get his hopes up 'bout any o' it."

Jesse had to laugh, setting his tea down again. "Oh, Mark Campbell has, shall we say, a very colourful vocabulary and wicked sense of humour. Very much a typical Aussie in that sense. I'm sure he could offer many pearls of fatherhood wisdom. He calls a spade a spade, as they say. But he's been to hell and back countless times with his son. Justin's classified as having a psychological disability. On top of severe bipolar with psychotic features, Justin has a significant trauma background himself. He has C-PTSD. Incredible at all he does and he's very close to everyone he works with, Merlin included, but his care is complex and challenging. Mark has had to build a intricate foundation of support around him to try to keep him safe but it's far from foolproof. Which he says is being a dad in a nutshell. Jace and I don't plan on children but if we were, I'd be happy if I could be a quarter of the father Mark is. Knowing him as I do, I'd say his advice would be as simple and as complicated as just... love your kid. Unconditionally. As wonderful and as painful as that is all rolled into one. You don't have to pretend to be anything you're not. In fact, from watching many of my closest friends be parents, I think trying to be something you're not would be one of the biggest mistakes you could make. Just let Merlin guide you, buddy. He will. Probably stressing and giving himself the nervous trots along the way but that's neurodivergence for you. Thankfully, I can confidently say there's much more to him than being American," he added with an amused smile. "If Merlin does this, he'll be all-in and then some. I know he would love to visit the place of his family roots. As for the real Brandon, there's a reason he and Merlin are soul mates. He's very talented in slipping in and out of his celebrity persona as he needs to."

"So, he somehow managed to nail it while I'm sure completely freakin' out inside and expectin' to fuck it all up at every turn? Sounds like the sort o' lad I'd like to buy a pint. I'm not under any notion that Merlin needs a father, howe'er. I'm sure in the grander scheme o' things right now, it's actually the last thing he needs. The only thing I want is to not fuck up meetin' him or make anythin' more complicated for him. For a very long time, I questioned whether the fact my injuries left me infertile was somehow the universe's way o' tellin' me I wasn't built to be a parent. Pretty sure that could still be the case but there's not a single part o' me that could've opened that DNA notification and ignore that I, at least physically, created another human that's my flesh and blood. In any case, I've got a friend o' the family I can visit while I'm in New York. He worked in the Garda with my cousin when they were new recruits and discovered he had a kid he didn't know 'bout, though the laddie's still a bairn so not the same sort o' situation. Might grill him a wee bit. He was far from the fatherly sort too." Cillian leafed back through the wedding album, taking a second look at some of the more stirring and emotional shots of Merlin at his wedding. "I'd say one o' the hardest things in the world is havin' a sick kid and knowin' there's no cure to what they've got. After my accident when I was in hospital, they both told me they wish they could take their injuries o' give their life in exchange for my life bein' changed forever. First time I e'er saw my dad cried. Is Merlin's anxiety just a part o' his ADHD presentation o' has he been diagnosed with anxiety disorder as an independent condition too? Brandon was kind the day I crashed his apartment buildin' and intercepted him but I'd be lyin' if I didn't admit I'm nervous how he might receive me. Wouldn't blame him to tell me to go fuck myself and leave Merlin alone to protect him."

Biting his lip and narrowing his eyes a little, Jesse tipped his head to the side. "Garda? That's the police in Ireland, yeah? Do you... mean Euan Fitzpatrick, by chance? A police detective, or Captain now, with the NYPD? If so, then Merlin's best friend, Wesley, is dating Euan's adopted son, Noah. They met when Wes moved to New York around the time Merlin started dating Brandon. It's a bit of a small world but Euan knows so many folk, it's not surprising. If that's the case, Euan will be a wealth of knowledge for you, connecting some gaps in the story you might have. He absolutely could give you guidance on finding your feet with how fatherhood might look with a child you never knew you fathered. Not just with his own young son, but with Noah too, who he rescued from a very dark place. Merlin has panic disorder but personality-wise, he's actually always been a very chilled out and laidback guy. He's very loving and caring. It's only really been worrying about Brandon being sick and the horrible ordeal with him nearly dying after a massive internal bleed that his stress levels have increased and caused him more problems. Before, the ADHD was well-controlled with medication and migraines were usually his his stress came out. Even his abdo discomfort was minimal. He was only diagnosed with ulcerative colitis when Brandon was waiting on the bone marrow transplant. Merlin donated before he was diagnosed, so it didn't preclude him donating at that point. This time around, though, it might. But the haematologist froze extra samples in case a follow up was needed. We're fortunate Brandon has the means for the best healthcare available. You don't have to be concerned about Brandon. He'll protect Merlin and won't let you hurt him but if your intentions are genuine, he's not going to be any sort of obstacle. He'll support whatever Merlin wants."

Cillian's mouth dropped open in surprise and he cupped his hand under his chin with a shake of his head, listening to Jesse walk him through the six degrees of separation he never knew he had to his son. It was so close and it blew his mind. New York was the biggest city in the world, it hadn't occurred to him Euan might know Merlin or even know someone who knew him. It had been a long time since Euan was last in Ireland and Cillian and his cousin had a pint with him. Euan always said to give him a call if he was ever in New York but it had been years since Cillian ever made the trek to the US. "Fuckin' hell. Aye, that's who I mean. His reputation precedes him, o' course. But I don't know what I'm even 'sposed to do with that. It's just real hard to reconcile that I've missed so much. I've got a kid but he's not a kid and he doesn't need a dad. He has this whole... complicated, painful, beautiful life that doesn't really need me in. I've no experience as a parent but there's this strange pull inside that I just want to do anythin' I can to help him. Probably the hardest and most confusin' thing I've e'er felt in my life and I guess that' sayin' somethin' considerin' I'm sittin' here without the use o' my legs. I'm not sure I'm even doin' the right thing anymore." He cleared his throat, shifting into territory he wasn't sure how to begin to figure out. "Can I ask how ya' connected with him once he found out he was adopted and ya' were his brother? He knew ya' as his brother's friend but that's a world apart from brother, on a deep emotional level."

"I think that, right there, is something any parent who comes into their kid's life later than birth can empathise with. It's something I've heard Justin's dad say time and again. I'm not a parent so take my advice in regards to parenting as you will but it might be a good idea to try to not go into this with regrets. Regret is a really hard thing to overcome and I don't think you regret finding him. This isn't a bad thing. It's a good thing. Yes, he already has parents who love him very much, and yes, he's a grown adult who doesn't need any hand's on parenting anymore. But that doesn't mean he doesn't need his real father in his life. It doesn't mean he has no place for you. Figuring out what place that is, it's up to you both to work out together and it's going to take time. It'll probably feel very strange and awkward initially, it'll take a hell of a lot of talking and asking questions. In a lot of ways, being someone he can talk to is one of the most valuable things for Merlin anyway. It is for anyone who suffers anxiety. Merlin's always been a huge talker so he will always need listeners. But he's also an amazing listener, so maybe he can help you in that sense too. I don't doubt it's going to be difficult and emotional for you to tell him everything you went through but at the same time, it could be therapeutic and a way of bridging that gap of time lost between you." Jesse smiled and shrugged, leaning forward to adjust the cushions behind his back. "Oh, well, that particular challenge, I had the benefit of him being furious with the rest of his family at the time, so he really needed me. He felt like he could trust me when he lost trust for them. I was pretty close to his family growing up because my own were... well, you can probably connect the dots. The Larsons just treated me like another son so Merlin already saw me as an honorary big brother. Unfortunately, that did only make calibrating the secret of his adoption more difficult for him. Mostly, I was just a sounding board for his anger. We bonded because I helped him through it. Try not to overthink it. Which, as I say that out loud, I realise might be difficult if he inherited the overthinking tendencies from you."

"I guess, in a surreal way, it's a wee bit comfortin' to hear that I'm not the only one who feels like an imposter in this situation. That's prime advise right there, howe'er, Jesse. To not go in with regrets. That's rarely a good thing and I'd say even more so when ya' tryin' to meet ya' kid and form a connection with them. Used to be much better with the overthinkin' before I got hurt. Bloody hell, the poor kid inherits that and ulcerative colitis from us. There's got to be some good that filtered down the DNA to him, aye?" Cillian shook his head, trying to tell his brain not to develop a headache just attempting to wrap his head around all this. He hadn't even met Merlin yet and already, it was an emotional rollercoaster. "I'm glad he had ya', though. And the rest o' his family o' course. Things are good with his other brother now? Are his folks goin' to be okay with this? I'm a stranger, so the hesitancy is understandable but I give ya' all my word that with all the regrets I do have in life, they made me who I am today and I only have good intentions here. I'd never want to hurt him and if it seems like it's headin' that way if it's too much, I'll be on the next flight home. Can't say I even know where to start but I'll just play it by ear and his lead. Just wish it could be in any other circumstances than him bein' unwell and his other half facin' cancer again. I don't know if there's any way I can help with any o' that, but if there is, they just need to say the word."

Jesse smiled, though he couldn't blame Cillian for the doubts he was having. Anyone in his shoes would be having them. "Of course there's going to be plenty of good but you don't need me as a buffer for those things. It'll mean more to you and Merlin to discover them yourselves together. You're going to need things to bond over and connect with. I'm only here to cushion the impact because Merlin's under the weather and a emotionally frazzled. If Brandon was well, if Merlin hadn't just had surgery, I wouldn't be needing to be here. He would've just taken those first steps himself. I'm just trying to alleviate some of his anxiety, and yours. But the good stuff? That should be discovered slowly and savoured. It's going to be stuff that doesn't involve me or isn't even my business. I actually think Merlin will find a lot of comfort in hearing you're an overthinker too. Just keep yourself in check and keep schooling yourself not to censor with him and avoid things to protect him. From the word go, his brain will be in overdrive trying to form a picture of you and analyse how you fit in his life. Give him what he needs so his overthinking anxiety brain doesn't ty to fill in the gaps with worst case scenarios." He finished his tea and put his empty mug down. "Things are back to normal with Damien. Damien actually married his husband on stage at one of Justin's concerts not long after Brandon pulled through the bone marrow transplant complications. Damien's a typical big brother, extremely protective so he might be a bit of a guard dog when you meet him but he's a marshmallow otherwise. I'd say the Larsons are anxious how this will turn out but all you need to do is make on those good intentions and it'll just be about us all finding a new normal but we've been in protective mode for a long time, so we're well-versed in that. As are you, without a doubt. If you're the same blood group as Merlin, you can always donate blood for Brandon. He'll inevitably need transfusions at some point."

"So, ya' said ya' have a good relationship with the biological family ya' discovered? It cant've been an easy thing to acclimatise to, knowin' ya' biological dad had passed. One thing I'm truly discoverin' is the inevitable complexity o' these sorts o' relationships. It can be really hard but it doesn't have to be bad. Just takes time. I thought my head and my heart were on the same page with how I was goin' to try to go into it but hearin' Brandon's leukemia has relapsed changed a lot, as did hearin' Merlin was in the hospital. Not sure what I was ultimately expectin' but definitely not that. Guess I expected to find them both in their prime and back in the swing o' things after readin' Brandon was in remission. Just tell him there's no rush and to take all the time he needs. Even if I go back to Ireland, I can be back on the next flight whenever he's ready." Cillian nodded and offered an emphatic gesture with his hand. "O' course, I'll donate blood. I'm A+, if that helps. Whatever they need, consider it done."

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"But either way, I got you in my DNA."

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