Dream Like New York

HERE @ muserevival

Solicitude
n. 1. care or concern for someone or something.

Dear Dillon,

Your idea about getting a notepad to write things down really helped, and not just to get things out of my head a bit. I realised I could write to you, and the nurses said they could give you the letters. I thought that seemed pretty cool. I've never written a letter to anyone before. Imagine if we lived in the older times and all we had to communicate with were letters? Those times seem so much more simpler than ours. Less things to screw people up. But then, it's age-old ideas and mindsets that got me into this mess to start with.

You don't mind me writing to you, do you? Text messages are okay, but I get nervous talking to you sometimes. Don't laugh, I just do. I've never had a boyfriend before. If all this shit wasn't going on around us and blocking the normal way to do things, this would be totally cool. But I know I come with an epic fuck ton of baggage, and I just want you to know that it doesn't drown out the fact I know you're facing a lot of hard crap yourself. Being in a new and strange place, trying to kick this thing that became your norm. I care about you, Dill. A whole lot. More than I've ever cared like this about anyone. I ask Euan all the time how you're doing... the times I'm not out of my mind, of course.

There's a reason I'm glad we can't see each other right now, though. I know I said I was glad for your own safety, and I am, because I really am out of my mind on the regular at the moment. I punched a fucking nurse and don't even remember it. Can you believe that? The other reason, though, is that I don't want that to be a memory you keep inside you of me. Memories are a weird and wonderful thing, and there's not always a guarantee you keep only the good ones. The bad stuff can stay whether you think it matters or not. Those aren't thoughts of me I want you to have in your head. I've got to know I can be better than that. It gives me something to shoot for. Can I confess something to you? In an entirely non-religious way, because ain't nobody got time for that anymore.

You're the good that I need to hold on to to hope for. I want to get through this and know at the end of it, I have you to look forward to. That's not to lay any sort of burden on you that you have to follow through on. Like we said, if it comes to the point we're both doing okay and change our minds, that's okay too. You were a friend before anything else. You'll stay a friend if nothing else ever comes.

But you make me stop and think, and stopping and thinking hasn't been something I've been able to do in a long time. I know you're still in that place where you see yourself as nothing but an alcoholic loser, but I see you as sweet, friendly, caring, and you make me feel like I could tell you all my secrets and they would be in good hands. The alcohol might be in your blood, but it's hope and courage that's in your soul and I just wanted to thank you for sharing a lil piece of that with me.

Love,

Noah x