"Keep your head up, little brother. I can see you're hurting inside."

[musicsavesmysoul]

Who: Damien Larson, Jesse Hartley, and Merlin Larson
What: Big Brother Duties
Where: Eleven West Unit, Mount Sinai
When: Couple of days after this

Damien and Jesse both discovered that one thing worse than your little brother being sick and in hospital was waiting for your little brother to have surgery. No matter all the reassurances that Merlin was in the best hands and it was a straightforward procedure, Damien just hated the thought of it. Merlin wasn't good with anaesthetic and he had a really rough few days between when he became really ill and was rushed to the ER and the scheduled surgery to widen the stricture in his gut that caused the bowel blockage. There had been another brief endoscopic procedure a few days earlier, then the had to go through really crappy (no pun intended) prep for the second laparoscopic procedure.

What was worse for Damien was he had to be away from the hospital when it all first happened because Liam had been hit with norovirus, which turned out to be what Damien could only describe as gastro on crack. Even if it only lasted a few days, Liam had been so sick and contagious for the duration. Damien mostly dodged the bullet, though he had a couple of days where his guts were a bit dodgy but it was really mild in comparison. He didn't even throw up, but he couldn't be at the hospital while either of them still had symptoms because they'd still be contagious. Liam returned to work that day, and although he couldn't operate on Merlin being his brother-in-law, he was able to be in the operating theatre and observe the procedure, which was a huge relief for Brandon, Damien, and Jesse. Merlin said he didn't really care if the population of a small country was in the OR, he just desperately wanted his stomach to feel better and the pain to finally ease.

Brandon insisted Merlin be transferred to the super private luxury unit, Eleven West, to be cared for after his surgery and even paid for the private nursing care for him, at least for the first few days. They both really needed their privacy and it meant Brandon could both stay at the hospital with Merlin in the twin room, but also be able to come and go freely without fans spotting him and getting up in his face again.

After the first hour or so after Merlin was taken to surgery, Damien kept grilling Jesse about whether it was taking too long, did it mean something was wrong, what was a normal length of time for that sort of procedure, when would they know if anything went wrong, etc. etc. Luckily, Jesse had the patience of an army of saints and answered every question calmly and didn't care how many Damien wanted to ask. Soon, Liam had come to find them and told them Merlin was in Recovery and it all went well, save for a little bit of a bleed when something was accidentally nicked during the procedure but it was resolved quickly. Brandon was going to let them know when he was transferred to the room and wasn't feeling so rough after waking from the anaesthetic, and in the meantime, Liam explained to Damien what the surgeons did in a way he could understand. Jesse already got it, being a Nurse Practitioner himself.

Jesse arranged for Lorenzo to deliver some flowers to the hospital but when they both got to Merlin's room, they discovered Brandon had - of course - beaten them to the punch there and Merlin had a massive bouquet of what looked to be at least three dozen multicoloured roses with a Get Well balloon and large fluffy teddy bear. Still, Merlin did look pretty rough when they got there and so did Brandon, for that matter.

He came over to the bed, softly rubbing Merlin's knee through the blankets he was cocooned in. "Hey, you two. Too soon for a good fart joke? How you holding up, baby bro?"

Comments

[slowsouthernstyle]

"None of us can know exactly how you're feeling going through all this, buddy, but something I can offer some insight into is having to let the person I love give things a go, even if he might ultimately not be well enough to sustain it. It's really hard and of course you're going to worry that he's doing too much. But at the same time, that he wants to try to keep working is a pretty incredible thing. I think it's proof that he really is feeling up to it after having a period of time there where we weren't sure he would recover to go back to filming. This won't be what you want to hear, bud, but people can fight cancer on and off for many years and try their damnest to not let it control their life. So, it's important to think about a way to sustain the fight that you can both cope with. Brandon's not a sit still person. He struggled with every minute of it the first time around. It's understandably he wants to have a shot at pacing himself through it so he doesn't have to be knocked out of action entirely. Without a doubt, Tara would not clear him for work if she didn't think he would be okay. I think the biggest thing you can do for him to make this time around easier is support his choice and just be there for him if it doesn't work out. Keep communicating with him, though. If you're seeing signs he's not managing, tell him. Let him know you're right there with a hug if he has to make that tough call to stop work again." Jesse opened the bottle of water the nurse had left for Merlin and put the straw in it so he could sip it. His voice was scratchy and hoarse from the anaesthetic, which was getting worse the more he spoke. "Merlin, listen. You have nothing to feel guilty about wanting to meet your biological father or know more about that part of your heritage. That's your right and no one will be upset or hurt because of it. This isn't a matter of replacing anyone. It's just growing your family. We all know the blessing that can be."

[magicmoments]

Merlin was massaging his forehead while he listened to both his brothers. What he really didn't want was to end up with a migraine on top of everything else like he had last time he had anaesthetic. The doctors gave him a good dose of preventative medication to try to stop it but his head was still thick and hazy. Just out of surgery was proving a difficult time for a deep-and-meaningful soul-search but sometimes, it was better for him to talk things out rather than leave it all alone in his head. Having ADHD, leaving too much alone in his head could be a mistake. He had some sips of water and was quiet for a long time, not answering while their words swirled around in his head and he tried to think of each point they were making. He realised then how much he had been stressing about. At the time it was all going on, it just felt like one giant chaotic mess, so it was helping to breaking each part down and for Damien and Jesse to gently reassure him both that it was okay to want to meet his biological father and that he had to let Brandon decide the parameters of his renewed cancer battle. Both were making Merlin feel teary to think about but he didn't cry again. "I think I'm just really, really tired. Not even in a way sleep will help. Things were just getting better. He was feeling better and we were figuring out a non-cancer normal. Then fucking boom. Everything's pulled out from under us again. And I know he doesn't wanna think about it... or can't think about it, more likely, but... I'm so fucking scared he's gonna die this time. None of that is this Cillian guy's fault. He's just, I think, trying to let me know he gives a shit once he found out I existed and that does mean something. I ain't figured out what yet but it does. I can't just not meet him. He's my biological father. But I'm just... so damn tired."

[musicsavesmysoul]

"Are you getting a headache, buddy? Do you want Jess to see if you can have anything else for pain? You've been through a lot, you don't need a migraine on top of everything else." Merlin had been getting migraines for as long as Damien could remember. They thought it was related on some level to his ADHD. He wished he could go back to a simpler time where Merlin didn't have complicated health challenges. Only, he was aware that these things Merlin had been diagnosed with, he likely suffered with for a long time before the tests and diagnosis came. It wasn't that their doctor back home was crap or their parents didn't take them when they needed to go. It was just that once Merlin was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, it was used as an excuse for a lot of things that maybe he could've needed further investigation into. The gastroenterologist said he had no doubt Merlin had symptoms, albeit mild, of ulcerative colitis for years. It was only once he had gone through super amounts of stress with finding out he was adopted and then with Brandon that the symptoms were too difficult to just keep ignoring or passing off as stress stomach pain. "Can you talk to Tara or Beau about these worries about B dying, dude? Even if you don't wanna talk to B and upset him that you're scared about it. You were conscious when he was at his worst last time, he wasn't. You're gonna be scared he'll die. That's cancer. It's fucking awful and scary. How does it make you feel when you think about Cillian giving a shit about you? Sounds like he's cool waiting as long as you need. If you need to rest and recover some more first, I think he'll be okay about it. Jess can help him understand it ain't 'cause you don't care in return. Maybe things are at a point now where you and B just need to take like in general a bit slower."

[slowsouthernstyle]

Jesse waited before he said anything because he knew what he was about to say was pretty heavy. "Merlin, buddy... you didn't really have a non-cancer normal. I know it's really hard to think of like that but I also know you don't want to blindside yourself. Remission just means no signs of cancer but he was still very much in a danger zone. It's going to be harder this time because you know what's coming and of course that's extremely fucking exhausting because even if you were just finding a new normal, neither of you had fully recovered. Not that I can talk because I can be just as guilty of this, but you both take such good care of each other but are really crap at self-care. You really need to try to get a bit better with it, though, or the exhaustion will set in." He softly patted Merlin's shoulder, wishing there was more he could do to reassure him but keeping it real was how both Merlin and Brandon asked to tackle this, as much as they could. Sometimes, it was okay to have days where you wanted to bury your head in the sand and wish it would all go away. Everyone had them. "Whatever Brandon is feeling and how's trying to figure out how to face this for the second time, I don't think he would ever want you to not tell him if you're scared. That's something you'll both be terrified of. It's what makes all this so hard. It's okay to talk about it. You're not going to jinx anything. You guys both worry so much about burdening each other and try to spare their pain if you can but in amongst all that, neither of you want to go it alone. That's why you got married. Damo's right. It's fucking awful and scary, but it's the same together or apart. May as well do it together, huh? But definitely slower. I'm not saying going slow on Brandon's treatment, but for everything else, going slow is vital or you'll both be too overwhelmed and look what happens when that happens. You both lose your footing together. That's all the fight was, forgetting to talk to each other. Really talk to each other."

[magicmoments]

Merlin didn't know why Jesse's gentle and simple observation hit him so hard. It was like a metaphorical slap in the face, a reality check that was hard to hear but he knew he needed to hear it. He didn't even really know what to say at first because he had to take time with it so it could really sink in, even more so having just been under an anaesthetic. "Maybe I should ask him if we could go away for a bit of a break together, maybe at the Cape Cod house or Justin and Sash's Vermont lake house. They said any of us could use it whenever we want. I just feel like there's this... this... huge gaping canyon between us at the moment. Like, emotionally. We're not really having problems, we're just missing the mark with communicating what we need, I guess. I think back to the first time, the road trip. We had to talk so much then because we were getting to know each other. He was such a wall when it came to sharing shit, so we had to learn to take care of each other and work through things. I know just about all the misfires are because he wants to protect me and that's a huge thing, that sorta love. It's not something I ever thought I'd find. But I'm doing the same thing, trying to protect him. It really, really does not fucking work. Most of the time, it makes things worse. But I miss how close we were on that road trip. Everything we conquered together on it. Before he starts his treatment, maybe we should try to replicate that somehow? Just confront it, talk it all out, away from everything. He said he usually gets away to learn his scripts for shooting anyway. That's why he bought the Cape Cod place. He'd go away there by himself and just mad cram his lines. Maybe we could kill two birds with one stone?" He sighed and looked between his big brothers. "I wanna hold him and tell him it's all gonna be okay. But I can't, 'cause we don't know that. I know what happened to Beau when he relapsed. He nearly died. That's why I'm terrified. It's he same type of cancer. Beau survived because he had a full marrow match from his brothers."