"Keep your head up, little brother. I can see you're hurting inside."

[musicsavesmysoul]

Who: Damien Larson, Jesse Hartley, and Merlin Larson
What: Big Brother Duties
Where: Eleven West Unit, Mount Sinai
When: Couple of days after this

Damien and Jesse both discovered that one thing worse than your little brother being sick and in hospital was waiting for your little brother to have surgery. No matter all the reassurances that Merlin was in the best hands and it was a straightforward procedure, Damien just hated the thought of it. Merlin wasn't good with anaesthetic and he had a really rough few days between when he became really ill and was rushed to the ER and the scheduled surgery to widen the stricture in his gut that caused the bowel blockage. There had been another brief endoscopic procedure a few days earlier, then the had to go through really crappy (no pun intended) prep for the second laparoscopic procedure.

What was worse for Damien was he had to be away from the hospital when it all first happened because Liam had been hit with norovirus, which turned out to be what Damien could only describe as gastro on crack. Even if it only lasted a few days, Liam had been so sick and contagious for the duration. Damien mostly dodged the bullet, though he had a couple of days where his guts were a bit dodgy but it was really mild in comparison. He didn't even throw up, but he couldn't be at the hospital while either of them still had symptoms because they'd still be contagious. Liam returned to work that day, and although he couldn't operate on Merlin being his brother-in-law, he was able to be in the operating theatre and observe the procedure, which was a huge relief for Brandon, Damien, and Jesse. Merlin said he didn't really care if the population of a small country was in the OR, he just desperately wanted his stomach to feel better and the pain to finally ease.

Brandon insisted Merlin be transferred to the super private luxury unit, Eleven West, to be cared for after his surgery and even paid for the private nursing care for him, at least for the first few days. They both really needed their privacy and it meant Brandon could both stay at the hospital with Merlin in the twin room, but also be able to come and go freely without fans spotting him and getting up in his face again.

After the first hour or so after Merlin was taken to surgery, Damien kept grilling Jesse about whether it was taking too long, did it mean something was wrong, what was a normal length of time for that sort of procedure, when would they know if anything went wrong, etc. etc. Luckily, Jesse had the patience of an army of saints and answered every question calmly and didn't care how many Damien wanted to ask. Soon, Liam had come to find them and told them Merlin was in Recovery and it all went well, save for a little bit of a bleed when something was accidentally nicked during the procedure but it was resolved quickly. Brandon was going to let them know when he was transferred to the room and wasn't feeling so rough after waking from the anaesthetic, and in the meantime, Liam explained to Damien what the surgeons did in a way he could understand. Jesse already got it, being a Nurse Practitioner himself.

Jesse arranged for Lorenzo to deliver some flowers to the hospital but when they both got to Merlin's room, they discovered Brandon had - of course - beaten them to the punch there and Merlin had a massive bouquet of what looked to be at least three dozen multicoloured roses with a Get Well balloon and large fluffy teddy bear. Still, Merlin did look pretty rough when they got there and so did Brandon, for that matter.

He came over to the bed, softly rubbing Merlin's knee through the blankets he was cocooned in. "Hey, you two. Too soon for a good fart joke? How you holding up, baby bro?"

Comments

[musicsavesmysoul]

Damien shook his head and put his hand on Merlin's shoulder. "This ain't about me, buddy. Sure, it's a mindfuck and one I wasn't expecting but this might be a really cool thing for you. You might find out at least half of your biology wasn't a lying cheat. We know your bio mom doesn't deserve having either of you in her life after all the shit she caused. This guy, it sounds like he didn't know there was a possibility of you? So, I doubt she told him she was preggo and he decided not to have anything to do with you, if he only found you on the DNA thing. It's like a clean slate you got with him, if he ain't a raging asshole. Which I hope he's not but Jess is right, this is a chance to at least give him the benefit of the doubt to tell you himself. You're legit half-Irish, dude. You always have been, you didn't just turn half-Irish when you learned about the guy. That's your genes, right there on that page. It's your blood. It's okay if you wanna know about that and know the guy who's fathered you. He obviously wants to know you. And, like, look at all the cool Irish folk we know. Pretty awesome heritage to have. You only gotta ask Justin how much it meant to him to meet his dad and have him in his life. Plus, look, he's got two moms now, too. Mom and Dad will know this ain't about you wanting to put them aside. They've known all along they didn't give you life, but someone did. All this, it's gonna be a shock for us all but that doesn't mean it's got to be bad, even if you're scared. 'Course you are." He gave Merlin a smile and then glanced at Jess briefly, hoping he was getting this big brother thing right with this. The last thing he wanted to do was isolate Merlin when it was one of those times he would need him the most.

[slowsouthernstyle]

Jesse gave Damien a small wink to let him know it was all fine, he had nothing to worry about. He knew Damien did have insecurities and doubts when it came to getting his big brothering right now. He hurt Merlin a lot when he went away to the UK and wasn't there for him when he needed him the most, when he found out he was adopted. Damien dropped the ball there and with Liam but he had more than made amends for his mistakes. Neither Merlin or Liam needed him to keep revisiting what was also a difficult time for Damien with his mental health. The mistakes he made were because he was struggling himself. Although Jesse knew he went about things in a lot more calmer and collected manner, it was because he had the vast nursing training he did. It wasn't because he was a better big brother or had better skills for any of this. There were a lot of different perspectives to what was a complex situation. He knew that's all Merlin was looking for here, so he didn't feel alone. There were no right or wrong answers. It was all valid, as were all feelings involved for everyone. "If that's the first step you think you want to take, buddy, I'd be happy to reach out to him and make a time for a chat. I think letting yourself think or feel whatever shit you need to, however long it takes for you to work through that, is okay and if Cillian is a reasonable guy, I'm sure he understands that's what you need. He knows you're in hospital and had surgery, and why. Do you know what else Brandon told him? Do you want me to sit on certain things you'd prefer me not to say? I'm just the messenger, okay? This is about you and Cillian to determine the parameters, and for you, that means with Brandon too. But I know you're probably scared about overloading him. Don't be. I can say without a shadow of a doubt this isn't something he would want you going alone, even if he's facing treatment again. Don't forget, one of the people who helped save his life is Irish. That's such a cool link to have. I wonder if he's from anywhere near where Tara grew up."

[magicmoments]

Merlin pressed his hands over his face with a soft moan. "It's about everybody because I can't do any of it on my own. I ain't ever been the sort to know how to do much of anything alone and I don't want to. It was never even a... thing to wanna find the guy who I guess I just always thought of as a sperm donor. Like, I never thought of your mom as my mom, Jess. Thank fuck. So, I don't even think I considered much that I had a biological father out there somewhere. I know that sounds dumb because it's obvious, I'm adopted. But I didn't. Because even though I was pissed off with everyone for a time when I found out, I didn't wanna replace my family or my folks. I know that's not what this is even about now. Now that it's a thing that I didn't even have to think about or make any choices to find, it's just, like, happening, I guess I'm curious about him. My genetics and all that. But then I feel guilty thinking about it. I don't wanna hurt anyone or anyone to think I'm looking to replace them. It's just so fucking much to think about and my brain feels like it ain't working right now." When he took his hands away again to look at Jesse when he brought Brandon up, nothing but sheer worry all over his face. "You're right. I know. And this is probably gonna sound stupid when I say it but I worry it's gonna make him feel even more conscious he ain't got a family of his own. I don't mean me or us. Family through our marriage and all that. His own family. I've got, like, parents and brothers all over the place. He's got no one, not even one person he can call on to be a more reliable donor match than I turned out to be. My bone marrow gave him GvHD. I wanted to do everything I could do make this time 'round easier for him but this ain't exactly gonna help anything, is it? I wanna wrap him up in cotton wool and get him to just sit still 'til he gets better again. If he can... But it ain't what he wants. It's the opposite of what he wants."

[musicsavesmysoul]

Damien put his hand on Merlin's shoulder, trying to offer any sort of comfort to try to get him to stop stressing. But trying to get Merlin to stop stressing once he started was probably more difficult than trying to land a jumbo jet on top of a caravan. And this was with him having medication to calm him down. He had a lot on his mind, though, and it was important he talked it out because that would help him sort the mess in his head. "Okay, well, your unreliable bone marrow still saved his life, buddy. You love him, you'll take care of him. That's all you need to do to make it easier for him. You having your bio dad show up out of the blue isn't gonna make cancer harder for him. Cancer does that all on its own. Plus? There's no way in damn hell is he gonna spite you knowing the guy if you wanna, just because his own biological family are unknown. It's ain't the Adoption Olympics. Family's way more than blood, dude. That's something all of us know more than anything. Bran's had other people come into his life that have become his family. You're overthinking and it's making you all tense and stressed out again. You're supposed to be trying to chill so you can feel better. Your brain ain't gonna work just yet, you've had anaesthetic and an operation. Give yourself a bit of a break. As for him working... maybe he's just gotta try and see how he goes? Just ask him to tell you if he ain't feeling great and promise he'll slow down if it happens."

[slowsouthernstyle]

"None of us can know exactly how you're feeling going through all this, buddy, but something I can offer some insight into is having to let the person I love give things a go, even if he might ultimately not be well enough to sustain it. It's really hard and of course you're going to worry that he's doing too much. But at the same time, that he wants to try to keep working is a pretty incredible thing. I think it's proof that he really is feeling up to it after having a period of time there where we weren't sure he would recover to go back to filming. This won't be what you want to hear, bud, but people can fight cancer on and off for many years and try their damnest to not let it control their life. So, it's important to think about a way to sustain the fight that you can both cope with. Brandon's not a sit still person. He struggled with every minute of it the first time around. It's understandably he wants to have a shot at pacing himself through it so he doesn't have to be knocked out of action entirely. Without a doubt, Tara would not clear him for work if she didn't think he would be okay. I think the biggest thing you can do for him to make this time around easier is support his choice and just be there for him if it doesn't work out. Keep communicating with him, though. If you're seeing signs he's not managing, tell him. Let him know you're right there with a hug if he has to make that tough call to stop work again." Jesse opened the bottle of water the nurse had left for Merlin and put the straw in it so he could sip it. His voice was scratchy and hoarse from the anaesthetic, which was getting worse the more he spoke. "Merlin, listen. You have nothing to feel guilty about wanting to meet your biological father or know more about that part of your heritage. That's your right and no one will be upset or hurt because of it. This isn't a matter of replacing anyone. It's just growing your family. We all know the blessing that can be."

[magicmoments]

Merlin was massaging his forehead while he listened to both his brothers. What he really didn't want was to end up with a migraine on top of everything else like he had last time he had anaesthetic. The doctors gave him a good dose of preventative medication to try to stop it but his head was still thick and hazy. Just out of surgery was proving a difficult time for a deep-and-meaningful soul-search but sometimes, it was better for him to talk things out rather than leave it all alone in his head. Having ADHD, leaving too much alone in his head could be a mistake. He had some sips of water and was quiet for a long time, not answering while their words swirled around in his head and he tried to think of each point they were making. He realised then how much he had been stressing about. At the time it was all going on, it just felt like one giant chaotic mess, so it was helping to breaking each part down and for Damien and Jesse to gently reassure him both that it was okay to want to meet his biological father and that he had to let Brandon decide the parameters of his renewed cancer battle. Both were making Merlin feel teary to think about but he didn't cry again. "I think I'm just really, really tired. Not even in a way sleep will help. Things were just getting better. He was feeling better and we were figuring out a non-cancer normal. Then fucking boom. Everything's pulled out from under us again. And I know he doesn't wanna think about it... or can't think about it, more likely, but... I'm so fucking scared he's gonna die this time. None of that is this Cillian guy's fault. He's just, I think, trying to let me know he gives a shit once he found out I existed and that does mean something. I ain't figured out what yet but it does. I can't just not meet him. He's my biological father. But I'm just... so damn tired."

[musicsavesmysoul]

"Are you getting a headache, buddy? Do you want Jess to see if you can have anything else for pain? You've been through a lot, you don't need a migraine on top of everything else." Merlin had been getting migraines for as long as Damien could remember. They thought it was related on some level to his ADHD. He wished he could go back to a simpler time where Merlin didn't have complicated health challenges. Only, he was aware that these things Merlin had been diagnosed with, he likely suffered with for a long time before the tests and diagnosis came. It wasn't that their doctor back home was crap or their parents didn't take them when they needed to go. It was just that once Merlin was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, it was used as an excuse for a lot of things that maybe he could've needed further investigation into. The gastroenterologist said he had no doubt Merlin had symptoms, albeit mild, of ulcerative colitis for years. It was only once he had gone through super amounts of stress with finding out he was adopted and then with Brandon that the symptoms were too difficult to just keep ignoring or passing off as stress stomach pain. "Can you talk to Tara or Beau about these worries about B dying, dude? Even if you don't wanna talk to B and upset him that you're scared about it. You were conscious when he was at his worst last time, he wasn't. You're gonna be scared he'll die. That's cancer. It's fucking awful and scary. How does it make you feel when you think about Cillian giving a shit about you? Sounds like he's cool waiting as long as you need. If you need to rest and recover some more first, I think he'll be okay about it. Jess can help him understand it ain't 'cause you don't care in return. Maybe things are at a point now where you and B just need to take like in general a bit slower."

[slowsouthernstyle]

Jesse waited before he said anything because he knew what he was about to say was pretty heavy. "Merlin, buddy... you didn't really have a non-cancer normal. I know it's really hard to think of like that but I also know you don't want to blindside yourself. Remission just means no signs of cancer but he was still very much in a danger zone. It's going to be harder this time because you know what's coming and of course that's extremely fucking exhausting because even if you were just finding a new normal, neither of you had fully recovered. Not that I can talk because I can be just as guilty of this, but you both take such good care of each other but are really crap at self-care. You really need to try to get a bit better with it, though, or the exhaustion will set in." He softly patted Merlin's shoulder, wishing there was more he could do to reassure him but keeping it real was how both Merlin and Brandon asked to tackle this, as much as they could. Sometimes, it was okay to have days where you wanted to bury your head in the sand and wish it would all go away. Everyone had them. "Whatever Brandon is feeling and how's trying to figure out how to face this for the second time, I don't think he would ever want you to not tell him if you're scared. That's something you'll both be terrified of. It's what makes all this so hard. It's okay to talk about it. You're not going to jinx anything. You guys both worry so much about burdening each other and try to spare their pain if you can but in amongst all that, neither of you want to go it alone. That's why you got married. Damo's right. It's fucking awful and scary, but it's the same together or apart. May as well do it together, huh? But definitely slower. I'm not saying going slow on Brandon's treatment, but for everything else, going slow is vital or you'll both be too overwhelmed and look what happens when that happens. You both lose your footing together. That's all the fight was, forgetting to talk to each other. Really talk to each other."

[magicmoments]

Merlin didn't know why Jesse's gentle and simple observation hit him so hard. It was like a metaphorical slap in the face, a reality check that was hard to hear but he knew he needed to hear it. He didn't even really know what to say at first because he had to take time with it so it could really sink in, even more so having just been under an anaesthetic. "Maybe I should ask him if we could go away for a bit of a break together, maybe at the Cape Cod house or Justin and Sash's Vermont lake house. They said any of us could use it whenever we want. I just feel like there's this... this... huge gaping canyon between us at the moment. Like, emotionally. We're not really having problems, we're just missing the mark with communicating what we need, I guess. I think back to the first time, the road trip. We had to talk so much then because we were getting to know each other. He was such a wall when it came to sharing shit, so we had to learn to take care of each other and work through things. I know just about all the misfires are because he wants to protect me and that's a huge thing, that sorta love. It's not something I ever thought I'd find. But I'm doing the same thing, trying to protect him. It really, really does not fucking work. Most of the time, it makes things worse. But I miss how close we were on that road trip. Everything we conquered together on it. Before he starts his treatment, maybe we should try to replicate that somehow? Just confront it, talk it all out, away from everything. He said he usually gets away to learn his scripts for shooting anyway. That's why he bought the Cape Cod place. He'd go away there by himself and just mad cram his lines. Maybe we could kill two birds with one stone?" He sighed and looked between his big brothers. "I wanna hold him and tell him it's all gonna be okay. But I can't, 'cause we don't know that. I know what happened to Beau when he relapsed. He nearly died. That's why I'm terrified. It's he same type of cancer. Beau survived because he had a full marrow match from his brothers."