dreamlikenewyork | "We live through scars this time..."

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"We live through scars this time..."

Who: Zed Blaze and Caleb Leary
What: "But I've made up my mind."
Where: The Bondi, NYC
When: Friday afternoon

There were three people to thank for the fact Zed was sitting on a stool on the stage at Luke's bar that afternoon. Jax and Luke, who had suggested he come there to hang out so he didn't just go home to be alone when he was discharged from hospital. And Richie. Richie most of all, because it was after spending hours talking to him the night before. At first, Richie had just come after his shift to check how Zed was doing and even though Zed said he was fine so Richie had the open road to go home to spend time with his boyfriend, Richie saw something in his eyes and heard something in his voice. He didn't leave. He stayed, and he told Zed he would stay even if he didn't want to talk.

What happened then was that Zed basically poured his heart out to Richie about everything. For some reason, Richie was just easy to talk to. Or maybe it was because Zed was ready to talk. Probably both. It was more than Zed had spoken of Caleb in a very long time... perhaps even ever. Zed got to a point where, in tears once again, he said he didn't love Caleb anymore. He just couldn't do it. Richie had just looked at him and told him love didn't work like that, and then asked him if he didn't love him, or he didn't know how to be loved by him. It was the million dollar question and it had completely floored Zed. It was the floodgates opened, and for the first time in his life, Zed freely told someone his deepest and most painful thoughts that he had locked away tight and never wanted to visit again.

Zed's arm was still heavily bandaged and braced because of the surgery. He couldn't play guitar, and there was a chance he wouldn't be able to again. He didn't know what he would do if that happened. He knew he looked really rough because Jaz outright told him he had the right look for Halloween. Jax, who was pretty musical, mostly a drummer but could also play guitar, was messing around jamming with Damien, who was there to soundcheck for a gig he had that night. Zed saw Caleb arrive as soon as he walked into the bar. He didn't really know what to do here. He had been telling himself he would know when the moment came, but it wasn't that easy. He had chatted to Jax and Damien about a song he wanted to work on, and he had been having trouble getting the strength to hit the notes.

Jax had quizzed him about whether it was for someone, mostly teasing. Even though his friend was standing a few paces for him, Zed couldn't really look away from Caleb across the bar. It was like there was no one else there while his head and heart tried to converge and figure out what he should do now he had gotten Caleb here. Was it too premature? Should he overthink any of this? Why were fear and pain the easiest emotions to feel above all else, especially love?

The stare he had locked with Caleb was broken when Jax started to play the song, and Zed's eyes shifted to glance at Jax, who just did his sexy curious eyebow thing. So, he just put his hand around the mic and started to sing...

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The text from Zed had come out of nowhere in Caleb's mind. He had stayed at the hospital a lot while the other guy had been there, but after their talk, Zed had told him to go home and rest. He hadn't wanted to leave him, but ultimately, he did need to rest because he wasn't doing anyone any good if he ended up sick and exhausted when all was said and done. So he'd done as Zed asked him and gone home to rest, as well as caught up on some of his work from home as he'd assured his boss he would when he asked for the time off. So when he got the text that Zed was out of the hospital and waiting for him at Luke's bar, he was grateful and worried all at once. They'd talked extensively in the hospital that day about everything, and Caleb had poured his heart out to Zed. He had no idea what this might be about.

When he arrived, Zed was there on the stage with some other people Caleb didn't readily recognize. He realized he was emotionally on edge, waiting for Zed to tell him that he couldn't handle having him in his life anymore or something. But their eyes met across the bar, and for the longest moments, they held each other's gaze, and when Zed began singing, the song wasn't chosen at random. There was no doubt that there was meaning in the words... that he'd chosen it very specifically. Caleb was silent, listening to every word, and there was no stopping the tears pricking at his eyes. There was so much in what the words were saying, and Caleb couldn't deny that for a minute. All he wanted right now was to run onto the stage and take Zed in his arms, but he didn't yet, instead letting him finish his song. Just the same, though, he closed the distance between them, making his way over the the front of the stage so that he could watch more closely. He couldn't be sure what all of this meant, but he knew from the way Zed was looking at him that it damn sure meant something.

The biggest preconceptions and assumptions people made about Zed was 1) that he was an emo/goth (and probably a druggie), and 2) all he could do was sing hardcore rock. It wasn't true, though. He was quite a talented singer. He wasn't mainstream by any means. Rock was definitely his main focus, but that didn't mean it was all hardcore. Hardcore paid the bills. It wasn't anything people got emotionally engaged with though... unless they were feeling in the mood for a virgin sacrifice or something. Like most musicians, when he was at his most emotionally vulnerable, it was usually music they sunk themselves into. For Zed, though, the exact reason why he had turned to hardcore rock was because it was easy and lacked emotion. It wasn't going to stir up the painful secrets inside him. It helped him keep up the walls and the masks. It was all part of the masquerade. Those songs didn't tap into the part of his heart he had locked up so tight to protect it because he was sure back then if he suffered anymore pain, he wouldn't be able to keep going.

Zed was still hurting. That was no secret. A hell of a lot of things were going to take time for him to heal with and be able to face life safely again. They discharged him from hospital because the psych assessment determined he wasn't mentally ill, but he was depressed and suffering anxiety over trying to hold up all the secret-keeping and stay on the run. What the psychiatrist had isolated with him was that he held himself hostage inside. He had convinced himself if he stopped to breathe, someone would find out who he was and his therefore his dad would find him and murder him. His past would catch up with him. For years now, despite being in the one place and hidden under all these masks, Zed had still been running non-stop. He finally got to the point he couldn't keep running. That was when he had tried to suicide. He couldn't see it would ever stop. Richie had been the one who helped him see that it wasn't Caleb he was running from. Caleb was just a roadblock in his path that he hadn't been able to figure out how to scale like all the other hurdles he'd had.

When the song finished, he didn't let himself think about it. He just went to the edge of the stay and jumped off he. He stepped up in front of Caleb, searching his eyes for a moment or two, and then kissed him.

Zed's song finished, and Caleb was just looking at him for the split second that he was standing there before he'd come over the edge of the stage. He was preparing himself then, because there was so much to say, and when Zed's eyes met his as they stood facing each other, there was a feeling for a moment there that they were going to talk it out then and there. But there was no talk... not a single word. Instead, Zed was kissing him, and it was only a split second before Caleb was wrapping his around the other man's waist, holding him close as he returned the kiss. He didn't care who saw... who was watching. It didn't matter. He wasn't here for anyone else. He was here for Zed. He loved Zed, and it didn't matter what anyone saw or thought about that. He had lived enough of his life in fear of the judgment of others... and he didn't have any intention of losing Zed again because of his fear. He'd made that mistake once... stupidly and painfully costing them both a love that could've carried both of them through things they never dreamed of. They could've been together now... Maybe if they had been, Zed would've have felt so scared and alone that he'd tried to end his own life.

When the kiss broke, Caleb was tucking his head in at Zed's shoulder with soft whispers of, "I love you. Christ, I love you so much." There was so much more that he wanted to say. So many more feelings under the surface that he wanted and needed to tell Zed after all of this time apart, but right now, they could wait. He needed Zed to know that most of all. That he loved him, and he meant it with all his heart. He held tight to Zed before leaning close to kiss him again. "I want to stay with you," he told him softly. "I don't want to walk away again, and I don't care what else happens. I just want to be with you."

Zed had wanted to see if it still felt the same as it had done all those years ago. Another thing Richie had told him was not to make half-choices. He hadn't been sure what that meant, so he asked. Richie told him not life choice should be an uninformed one. That fear and pain was only one perspective of his life, and it was drowning out love's opinion. Talking right into the early hours of the morning after Richie had worked a long shift already, he still managed to come out with so many wise words. "I still need time," Zed was soon saying, but his hands were resting on Caleb's arms. He wasn't cutting off the contact. "I'm still fucked up. I'm still confused and in pain. I just need to take it one thing at a time. I need it to go slow or I won't keep up with anything. I've started to talk to my family, and that's going to take time too. Hang on, I need to sit down..."

He was hit by a wave of dizziness, which his doctor had told him could happen. He wasn't going to get out of hospital and feel well with the flick of a switch. He was still on PEP, and he had promised he would keep that up and call for help if he started to feel overwhelmed again. He was advised to go home to bed, but he hadn't wanted to be alone. There were people he could have called, but didn't want them sitting around babysitting him. Jax and Luke's offer was timely and he had been taking it easy. It also gave him a little something to focus on than just his issues and trying to pick up the pieces he had shattered all around him from a suicide attempt. He moved over to the closet seat and sat heavily. There was a moment or two where he felt like he was going to be sick, so he draped his arm over the table of the booth and rested his head down on it. "Sorry. It should pass," he said softly.

The kiss broke, but Zed wasn’t pulling away from him, which Caleb had found himself half expecting him to do. It wasn’t that he thought that Zed was up in the air or flighty… just that this was so unexpected for him, and he hadn’t seen it coming. He hadn’t dared to hope for it. Deep down, he knew Zed still cared, or the strength of the emotions wouldn’t have been there. He could have easily just told Caleb to fuck off if he meant nothing to him. His hands came to rest underneath Zed’s elbows when the other guy was confessing to needing to sit down. Once he was sure Zed was securely in the seat, Caleb slid in beside him and wrapped his arm around his waist. “I’m okay with giving you time,” he said, sitting there quietly at Zed’s side as he let his fingers move from his waist up to stroke gently over his back. “We can take as much time as you need. I’m not leaving. I’m not going anywhere. Not this time.”

“It’s okay,” Caleb assured him, leaning close and kissing Zed’s hair. “Take your time. Are you feeling dizzy?” His hand was careful and gentle at Zed’s waist, and he would treasure every second of this… even the painful ones. Even the ones where they were both hurting and things were hard. He would stay close and make sure that Zed knew that he was loved, that Caleb would be there and look after him as long as he needed and wanted him there. “Do you want a cup of water or something?” he offered quietly, his fingers moving to loop through Zed’s hair in a gentle comforting gesture. The feelings inside him were stronger than ever, and he needed Zed to feel them, even if he couldn’t put them into words.

Zed was understanding why the doctors thought it best he go home to bed. Which is exactly when he found himself wondering if he really should do that, but if, this time, Caleb wanted to come and lie down with him. "Mmhmm..." he confirmed, keeping his head down and letting his eyes close for a little bit. One thing he had asked Riley about was whether he could tell the difference between side effects or whether what he was experience were symptoms of the virus kicking in. Riley said he couldn't. In fact, early HIV symptoms could exhibit like a bad flu as soon as two to four weeks after exposure. It wasn't really reassuring on any level, but at the same time, Zed was glad he had an awareness to it and was beginning to brace himself for the worst news in a couple of months when the official results would be able to come in to confirm whether he was Positive or not. "Just still feeling pretty shitty."

He lifted his head from his arm again to see if the dizziness was passing. He had an all-over feeling of not being well. "Do you think you could take me home? Maybe stay with me if you aren't busy?" he asked. It wouldn't be alone then, but he was pretty sure his body was trying to give him signs that he should be resting right now. Plus, he didn't really want to throw up in public again if that was going to be on the cards. "I've been talking to Richie. He made me think about a lot of things in different ways. Plus he has a really nice relationship with his partner that is worthy of being envied. Made me wonder a lot what it's like to have that with someone." He was grateful for kind friends too. Luke was already coming over with a bottle of water for him and gave him a gentle reminder that he should head home if he wasn't feeling well.

There was something special to Caleb in the fact that Zed was letting him stay there, continuing this tender connection. His fingers were still stroking through the other guy’s hair. “I’m sorry you’re feeling shitty, sweetheart,” he said, trying to give him comfort the best way he knew how. There was a lot he’d learned lately about listening, taking in what other people were saying, and meeting them where they were instead of trying to make things fit his own ideals. Zed was what he wanted, and he was damn well going to do his best to love, support, and comfort him along the way. His touches were gentle and reassuring, with the tender familiarity of a lover, and he found himself wondering if this familiarity would’ve been the norm for them if he hadn’t ruined it when they were young. Would they have found a way to be safe together? Would they have spent a thousand quiet nights wrapped up in each other’s arms, their moments given, not stolen? Would Caleb have been able to protect Zed from his abusive fuck of a father? They were stupid questions, he knew. There was no answer to them, because there was no taking it back. “How much longer do you have to be on PEP? I know that can’t be helping.”

Caleb almost didn’t dare to believe that he was hearing what his ears were telling him. Zed wanted him to take him home and stay with him, and Caleb was one hundred percent on board with that. “I’m never too busy for you,” he assured him quietly, looking up as Luke was coming over with the water. “I’m yours as long as you need and want me to be. I’ve met a lot of really great people in New York with awesome relationships, too. And as much as I tried to find something that felt right, it never did with anyone, because I was always wondering if you were the one I was meant to be with and I missed my chance. I want to give that to you… and have it myself. All those nice things that the people we know have.” He thanked Luke as Aussie handed off the bottle of water and Zed took a sip. “Let’s get you home, darlin’,” Caleb said, terms of endearment wrapped in a slow Southern drawl.

Edited 2015-10-30 19:57 (UTC)

Zed literally just lived across the road from Luke's bar, so it wasn't like it would be a huge hike home. It might feel like it, granted, because he was so drained, it might feel like a huge hike. It was why the guys suggested the bar as a bit of a hangout, so if Zed started to feel poorly, they could get him home easily. Which is exactly what was happening now. He knew if he didn't call a time-out on himself, he would probably keel over and land right back in hospital. He didn't want that. It was too much of a reminder of why he was there in the first place. He wanted to show the people he loved that he was getting things back in control and he could take care of himself. Although he had been flagged as suicidal, the psychiatrist told him there were no other clinical signs of mental illness. Just post-trauma depression and anxiety. They were trialling some mild medication for him at the moment to see if it helped, but if he got to a point later when he was feeling better and therapy helped, he could stop them.

Zed flagged Jax and Damien. "I'm going home. Caleb's taking me," he called over to them tiredly when he got up and gave himself few moments standing to see if he was shaky on his feet. He felt weak and tired. The wooziness was there a little, but he would be fine to get home. He took the water with him, and his friends all told him to just call them if he needed anything at all, and they would come. He knew there was complete and honest truth in that too. They would. All his friends and family would. He knew that now he had a relatively clear and rational thought process back. But when he hit rock bottom, those thought processes were blocked and everything became skewed and overwhelming. He was fine with Caleb helping him. There was no fight, no shying away from the contact. He held Caleb's hand as they left the bar and accepted his help getting down the stairs outside. "Um, PEP is about another two and a half weeks, I think they said. I've got another couple of pills to take now. One of the doctors is a close friend of Luke's. He's actually Positive himself. He talked to me a lot about shit."

Before the left the bar, Caleb was making sure that Zed's leather jacket was done up, not wanting him to catch cold in the autumn air. Once he was satisfied with that, he pulled the hood up on his hoodie and tucked his hand right back into Zed's. Part of it was the need for contact... the desire to be close to him. And part of it was born of his concern and his desire to be able to stop Zed from falling if that became an issue. They still had so much to talk about... one gorgeous song and a kiss that stopped Caleb's world in its tracks were both amazing things, but Caleb wouldn't dare to think that they solved everything in the past or made the present perfect. It was a sign... That they were both ready to take the first steps of a journey together, and Caleb knew that neither of them was perfect, and there would be mistakes, but he was determined to take the best care of Zed that he was capable of, and to treat him like the amazing, loved person that he was, no matter what. There was a rush of pride in Caleb when Zed told his friends that Caleb was taking him home. Almost as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

They walked out of the bar, their hands linked together, and this was the first time in his entire life that Caleb had walked into daylight hand in hand with a man. The feeling, at its core, was absolute and utter freedom, and he couldn't have been prouder that it was Zed's hand he was holding. He gave it a warm squeeze as they descended the stairs, tucking his arm under Zed's to give him a little extra support. "Hopefully once you're past that part, you won't feel as fucking awful all the time. I know that you said the meds make you feel terrible. So you got to talk to someone who's been down this road. What did he say?" As they approached the crosswalk, Caleb shifted his hand to link his fingers in with Zed's, relishing the warmth of another hand in his own... a hand that belonged to the man that he loved, and not some girl he was dating to keep up appearances. The feelings couldn't have been more different. This felt right... hopeful, and while bittersweet, like exactly where he was supposed to be. They crossed the street together over to Zed's building, and Caleb didn't know what it was, but right there on a sidewalk next to a busy New York City street, he needed to let Zed know that he wasn't afraid or ashamed of this. So he pulled the other man close to him and gently kissed him again before they went inside.

Before they got into his apartment, one of Zed's neighbours, a sweet spinster lady who had three chihuahuas and a bird named Ken, stopped him in the hall and asked how he was feeling. She gave him a kindly reminder that he needed to look after himself and be careful. He didn't know what story his neighbours were given about him being carted off in an ambulance, but she seemed to be under the impression he'd had some sort of accident. That was okay with him. The truth would mean delving into his personal life that he didn't want to share with acquaintances because it was too complicated and private. He promised her he would take care of himself and that he was going to get some rest. She actually ruffled his hair and told him to have sweet dreams before she went on her way. Zed couldn't help a faint smirk of amusement with a shake of his head as he went inside. He was kicking off his heavy boots and taking his jacket off. Even his clothing felt too heavy against his skin. He was usually a sleep in his underwear sort of guy, but that day, he felt like digging some pyjamas out of closet to put on because he knew they would be warm and comfortable while he was feeling shitty.

All his medications were lined up on the kitchen counter with printed out instructions of what to take when, and what could be taken on an as-needed basis. He found the medication for nausea, which was a wafer you let dissolve under your tongue so you didn't have to swallow it if you were struggling to keep anything down. Which he was. Food was tough for him, and it was exactly why he had no less than three pots of soup in his fridge made by Karla, his own foster mom, and his foster grandma. Light broth-like soups that he had to try to eat. Things were hard because he only really had the use of the tips of his fingers on his injured arm. "Hopefully..." he soon repeated quietly. Caleb's comments had been churning over in his mind because he wasn't really sure how to deliver the not-necessarily-good news. "He said that the early HIV symptoms can feel like a really bad flu, so not all that unlike what PEP does anyway. So, if I'm still sick beyond that, it might be a bad sign. He hasn't been down the same road as this. He was attacked at work and stabbed with an infected needle by a drug addict looking for meds. Because he lost his spleen from a bad car accident when he was a teenager, the PEP didn't work for him. For me, I might not have gotten it in time to do anything. I was messed up, I fucked up. I can't decide if I want to go to bed or have a smoke first."

Still cold from outside, Caleb kept his hoodie on for the moment. Doubtless he'd shed it later, but for right now, he wasn't even that concerned about himself. It was Zed who had his attention and his focus. The only thing he bothered with was taking off his sneakers before he was following Zed into the kitchen. What Zed told him then was hard to hear. That the being sick might carry on past the end of taking PEP if he was actually Positive. Caleb didn't speak right away, just nodding his understanding. The doctor's story was different, but he'd ended up Positive, and Zed was confessing that he may have waited too long to start PEP. As a gay guy, Caleb knew there was a time limit on it, but he didn't know how long Zed had actually waited. He took a deep settling breath before he reached for Zed's hand again. "I want you to know that no matter what the results say when they come back, I'm here. I'm with you. I love you, and you HIV status isn't going to change that. Nothing is. If the tests come back with bad news, we'll figure it out together. I need for you to know that." The connection between their hands was such a simple one, but Caleb was treasuring it with all his heart.

"Let's smoke first," Caleb suggested gently. "We'll get a smoke in and then once we lie down, you won't jones for a cigarette. If that works for you, I mean. I could use a smoke myself." He gave Zoran's hand a gentle tug as they made their way back toward the balcony where Caleb had found him the first night he came over here. Right at the door, though, he stopped, turning back to pull Zoran into his arms again in a warm, gentle hug. He had missed him so desperately for so long, imagining what he would do if this opportunity ever presented itself, and here he was, his arms wrapped around his childhood love again and now that he was holding him, Caleb never wanted to let go again. Of course he couldn't physically stand in the hallway with his arms around him forever, but the closeness was something he needed right now. When he finally let him go, it was to open the balcony door and step outside into the cool fall air for a smoke. The balcony was tiny, and Caleb ended up just sitting on the floor with his back against the wall as he fished his pack of smokes out of his pocket and raised one to his lips. Once it was lit, he was turning back to Zed. "What made you decide to give me a chance?" he asked softly. "Not that I'm complaining. Farthest thing from it, actually. I just wondered."

Zed didn't know how he was ultimately going to deal with it if he was given the news that he was Positive. One of the biggest pieces of advice Riley had given him was to start reading about it and understanding as it is, not as it is stigmatised. He said that sort of information will never be useless, because more understanding in general is what is needed to reduce the level of stigma and have it understood on the same level as any other chronic illness or disease. It was stigmatised because people assumed you were a reckless whore if you got infected, and it just wasn't the case. People could get infected for many reasons, and even if you were reckless or not thinking straight at all, or were intoxicated, or screwed up, that was no reason to be frowned upon and judged. Battling any illness was hard enough. Riley also said to try to brace himself for it. Prepare for the worst, because you would face it a little better when the time came. He had admitted to Zed that he hadn't coped with it himself at all. He went through an incredible shock and trauma with it that still impacted on him today. He also reminded Zed that there were amazing support networks out there for people with HIV, and to use them if he was comfortable with it. Find a process that works, grieve if necessary, let himself hurt because it was the only way to get on the path to acceptance to be able to pick yourself up and realise life would just be different now. "Then brace yourself, because, as they say, it's going to be a bumpy ride," he warned Caleb quietly, not seeing any point in taking the reassurance route that it would all be perfectly okay with the right help when it just might not be. "Fact of the matter is, I might be sick and even when these meds finish, I might still be sick. I have to have a lot of therapy, and I'm on medication for depression and anxiety now. It's not going to be easy."

His hands were shaking a little when he lit up the smoke one-handed while it sat between his lips. It took a few attempts because he couldn't shield the flame with his injured hand. The blood loss left a little bit of hand tremoring, which would resolve itself soon enough. "No one thing," he admitted and blew the smoke out over the balcony and licked his lips. "Richie came to see me and we talked a lot. He's a really sweet guy, very understanding and compassionate. He knew I needed someone, so he was there for me. Finished his shift at nine, and stayed with me until after two in the morning. The psychiatrist helped me see that I was suffering classic trauma responses, and pain and fear were occluding my ability to respond rationally. I'm not mentally ill, but I'm depressed and have anxiety. Apparently people displaced by agencies or services often suffer mental strain, to the point there are therapists who just do that solely for their job. I've been shouldering so much and hiding so much for so long, that he think there was just a breaking point I hit. That we're all only human, not machines. I just need to take things very slow, or I'll get overwhelmed and start drowning again."

There was no simple answer to any of this, and that was okay, too. Caleb wasn’t just going to jump in with some pretty words about how it would all be okay and he could handle it all because he was some sort of super badass. He wasn’t. He was scared to death, but this time, not of what people would think, or who he might let down. The only person he was determined not to let down this time was Zoran himself. His parents and Zoran’s family could go fuck themselves. They weren’t taking this away from them. Not again. Nothing would, as far as Caleb was concerned. Zoran had been his best friend once upon a time. They’d done everything together, and probably still would be if Caleb hadn’t managed to fuck it all up so royally. And not some sad little mistake he’d made. This had been a conscious choice that he’d made… thought over, justified, rethought, and rejustified. And it had been wrong. Now that he was with Zed again, he was determined not to make those same choices. He couldn’t make what had happened right. But he could make better choices going forward. Once Caleb’s cigarette was lit, he took a long drag, listening as Zed explained to him that this wasn’t going to be an easy road. He was slow to reply, letting the weight of the words rest with him for a little while. They were heavy, and Zed wasn’t saying this so that Caleb would make flippant promises. He wanted to know that Caleb knew what he was getting into and that he was prepared. He released the smoke in a steady stream, his eyes fluttering closed when a gust of wind hit just a little too hard, before he turned back to Zed. “I’m prepared for difficult things,” he said softly. “From the moment I saw you again on that stage, I knew none of this was going to be easy. I didn’t really need it to be. I just wanted to have another chance to do the things I wish I’d done the first time around. If you’re sick, I’ll be here. I’ll look after you. I know you’ve looked after yourself for a long time, but I’ll do whatever I can to help you. I’m prepared to take on whatever life throws at us… No matter how hard it might be.

“We take things as slowly as you need to,” Caleb assured him. “I know you’re recovering from some things that no one should ever have had to go through, and contrary to every romantic movie ever made, there’s no magical moment where we come back together and everything suddenly works again. There’s no magic healing power where I get my cock out and suddenly, all the pain and the trauma melt away because I’m magical and shit. I don’t mind taking our time, because my plan is to be in this for the long haul… at least as long as you want me to be.” He put his arm around Zed’s shoulders, gently rubbing at his arm to warm him a little, wondering if the loss of blood made him cold. He wanted the contact. It was surprising just how much he wanted it now that he was letting himself want it instead of being afraid of it. Other people weren’t on his mind… any of the people who would judge. All that mattered was Zed. Being here and loving him and caring for him as much as he needed him to. He raised the cigarette to his lips again and let it dangle there. “I don’t know what Richie said to you,” he murmured around the butt of the cigarette. “But I’m glad he was there when you needed him.”

Something Zed hadn't actually verbalised out loud to anyone, he soon found himself just putting out there to Caleb. "I think I'm Positive," he admitted in a voice so quiet and mumbled, if they had been in a bigger space than the cramped, tiny balcony, he wouldn't have been heard. "That early test was reactive. I don't feel... right. I don't think I'll do myself any favours deluding myself to this and hoping that when the full test comes back in a couple of months that I'll be fine. I don't think I got it off the prostitute who was with me in the ER in Vegas. I think there was someone else involved, someone who maybe had a bareback fetish. I don't know. Maybe her pimp and she was doing his dirty work? I'm never going to fucking know, so there's no real point dwelling on that particular side of things. I've never had an attraction to women, and I don't think that just changes when I'm off my face. I was messed up, and I waited too long to get the PEP started. I think I have to just be... fucking real with myself. I've always done that. Even if I haven't been able to be real with anyone else, I was always real to myself. I try to delude myself, then it turns into a fucking disaster and shit gets out of hand that I can't deal with. The doctor said I should start learning about HIV, that it wouldn't be knowledge wasted even if I don't end up with it. I think he was just being real with with me too, trying to advise me to arm myself for the inevitable battle. He wouldn't outright say that because he can't diagnose anything without clinical evidence, but he has it. He knows. Here, look... pretty much a constant fever," he said, taking Caleb's hand and putting it against his forehead for him to feel.

He shrugged then and went back to his smoke. "Some of it, I don't think, can be recovered from. I think some of it is just my lot in life. Recovery might be a deluded goal to reach for, and I just need to figure out how to deal with it as it is now. I'd fucking love nothing more than to be able to just... go back to being me. But I can't. I don't think I've completely lost myself. Some days, it felt like I had. Some days were just too much to face. They say time's supposed to heal, but you can't just heal from things that inevitably change you. You can't go back. No one can wind back a clock, and honestly, who would fucking want to? I don't want to go back and go through all that again. I barely survived going through if the first time. I'm okay, I guess. In comparison to some other people. This kid I know, he's so messed up and I keep thinking back to him and knowing I'm okay compared to that sort of thing. I was placed with a great family, and I wanted for nothing when I got here. I have friends. Some really, really great friends. Before now, I had my health. But despite all that, I didn't have me. I had a different me I had to become. I didn't have me, and I didn't have you. Once upon a time, I always thought you would be the one thing that was just always there. Couldn't have gotten that assumption more wrong if I tried."

Caleb didn't flinch. He didn't turn away or back down. Instead, he nodded, taking on the news... or at least what Zed believed to be the news, and letting it settle into his heart, hard and heavy as lead. There was no knowing for sure if he was Positive or not without further testing that couldn't be done for another few months yet, but Zed knew his own body, and he knew that something wasn't right. Granted, the PEP itself could make him feel badly, and that may be what was causing all of this, but Zed didn't want to believe that and then get the tests back with bad news. He didn't want to fool himself, and Caleb didn't blame him for that in the slightest. Nobody wanted to be blindsided that way. Caleb's concern, having read up on PEP after learning that Zed was taking it, was that it could cause problems with the effectiveness of other HIV drugs if taken too late. He could only hope that couldn't be the case for Zoran. He let his hand press gently against Zoran's forehead. He was really warm without a doubt, and Caleb shook his head. "That's not a side effect of PEP, is it?" he asked softly, meeting Zed's gaze. He already knew the answer, though. "If you are, we'll handle it," he reassured him. "I don't just take back everything and walk away if you're Positive. I know my track record for sticking around when things aren't easy hasn't been the best in the past, but the test results, no matter what they say, don't chance how I feel or my desire to be here with you."

"I'm sure there's a lot of it that can't be recovered from," Caleb agreed, painful though it may be to admit. Their past together and Zed's past alone weren't sad little episodes in an otherwise normal and happy life. It wasn't like recovering from the death of a grandparent... sad, but you eventually learned to move on. This was his whole life... everything he knew, shitty though it may have been, being taken from him. He'd been forced to change his name and become a new person, even while Zoran was still under the surface of it all, hidden behind dark makeup, dark hair, and tattoos. It couldn't have been easy, and even now, he wasn't allowed to be himself... at least not in public. He has to keep up this appearance... Zed Blaze. "I know there's no going back and changing the past," he said, the words hard to say, because there was a lot of the past he wanted to change. "There's no undoing the pain. But for what it's worth, you can be Zoran with me if you want to. Because that's still who I see when I look at you. I know there are two sides of you, and there's so much about you that I don't know yet. But I'm ready to learn. I want to learn you. All your little quirks... the ins and outs of who you are. I want to know you, Z. I can't make up for what I did, and the ways that I hurt you and let you down, but I can be here with you and start over."

Zed shook his head, but didn't scramble for any words. Words weren't needed. He said what he was feeling and there was no need to flog the dead horse. He had taken on board everything Riley had said to him, even read between the lines to hear more than the doctor couldn't directly say without applying personal opinion. He couldn't even finish his cigarette. His stomach was upset and squashing himself out on that balcony was making the achiness worse. He was about halfway done with it, but stubbed it out in the ash tray anyway. "I really need to go to bed. Just feeling like hell, and I don't think it's doing me any good trying to fight it." He knew that his family would be over frequently to check on him. He knew his mom and dad would come to spend some time here doing some basic cleaning, checking to see if he needed laundry done, or essentials at the grocery store. They would make sure he had clean underwear, and fresh sheets so she could be warm. But they wouldn't step into the personal boundaries he always needed to maintain. They respected that he was an adult now and they would let him call the shots. But they were still family, and would do the family things that normal, loving and caring family did.

He also needed a bit of a breather in Caleb's constant stream of reassurances. Sometimes, you could only take so much of that sort of stuff. He still needed more than words with any of this. More than words, and time. He didn't know what to say in response to a lot of it when he couldn't believe it on face-value. He got up and went back inside. He switched a lamp on because it could be a dark interior if the weather got gloomy like it had been threatening earlier with a few spots of rain. In his bedroom, he looked through his drawers one-handed to see if he could find something warm and comfortable to go to bed in. He was cold, he was engulfed with this feeling that he wanted to be warm and curled up in a protective nest to try to wrap his head more around all the changes that were coming at him hard and fast. Too hard, too fast, but he couldn't slow any of it down. He made an error trying to do that, he fucked up. He didn't really want to die. He didn't want to cause anyone pain by doing that. He just wanted it to stop, he didn't see a way he could ever stop running. Soon, he located a Batman onesie that his family got for him two Christmases ago. That would do. In fact, it might be exactly what he needed. If ever there was a perfect time for a onesie, it was when you were feeling crappy and miserable, right?

Caleb seemed to realize, too, that words were surplus to requirement right now. They weren't needed, and he didn't feel the need to pour them on, either. All that was going to help right now was time... showing Zed that he meant what he said... that this wasn't a joke to him by any stretch of the imagination. "Okay," he replied softly, putting out his own cigarette and standing before turning to try and help Zed up with his hand. "You look like you need to rest," he agreed, following Zed back into the apartment, the feverish warmth of the other man's body palpable against Caleb's side. While Zed was searching for pajama's, Caleb was shedding his hoodie and jeans, sitting down on the side of the bed in a loose white t-shirt and his boxers. Zed was changing into the Batman onesie, and Caleb had to smile at that... even as his eyes filled with tears again. When they were kids, they'd both loved Batman, and having been the best of friends, they'd decided that they needed to take turns being Batman and Robin. It had all been a well thought out process back then.

Once Zed was changed, Caleb shifted so that Zed could lie down. He'd grabbed the water bottle when they came back in, and he put it on the bedside table within Zed's reach before moving to the other side of the bed. Crawling in behind him, Caleb put his arm protectively around Zed's waist. He couldn't explain it, but this felt right. He was supposed to care for Zed and be here with him when he needed not to feel alone. This was all scary. HIV was nothing to fuck around with, and he knew that the stress Zoran's body was going through would be heavy and hard on him. And it didn't help that Caleb had shown up, and he was clearly still carrying a hell of a lot of pain from his past with him. Caleb couldn't take the pain away, and he couldn't fix any of this, but he was certainly going to try to be here, and to make Zoran feel loved... the way he should've all along. His fingers gently brushed against the soft fabric over Zoran's stomach and he gently leaned over him to kiss his temple softly before settling back into the pillows. "Is there anything else you need?" he asked him softly. "I mean, before you go to sleep?"

Zed was actually covered in ink. The place he probably had the least was his legs, but even they weren't devoid of work. He had ink of his feet and thighs. The first tattoo he got was the Batman logo on his forearm. The story behind that was that he didn't know if he wanted ink, period. He had never had the desire for it, but that was the reasoning the Witness Protection people gave that ink could cover up a lot and avert a suspicious eye from who he really was. The whole masking, masquerade, disguise thing fit with the essence of Batman, so he went with that. It was actually a glaringly obvious clue right there on his arm for all the world to see that said he was wearing a mask, and in a way, that brought him some comfort at the time. There was also that history of enjoying Batman as a kid with Caleb, but that hadn't come into his thought process at the time because he was still so angry and hurt at Caleb. Then it became an amusing little thing with his new family where they would buy him Batman things to cheer him up, or they were novelty items he got on birthdays and at Christmas. A birthday that wasn't even his real birthday. Since then, he had a lot more ink, and the pain of the work became like a balancing of the scales of the pain inside. Jace was the only person who worked on him now. In fact, it was Jace who had seen the Batman design on his arm the first time he worked on Zed and outright asked 'What you hiding?'. Zed just laughed it off, but it was from then on he felt like he could trust Jace with his mask.

When he was undressing, it was slow and lethargic. It was impossible to really put into words how he was feeling. The PEP was still doing its thing. As soon as he got to Luke's bar with Jax, he ended up in the bathroom throwing up the light breakfast they gave him at the hospital before discharging him. His stomach just seemed happier without anything in it, though Jesse, when going through his discharge papers and making sure he had everything he needed had drilled into him the importance of fluids. If he couldn't face food, it was essential to keep fluids into him. He had a list of things that constituted fluids, where the broth was listed, along with jello, non-citrus juices, tea or coffee without milk, Gatorade, Kool-aid, etc. etc. It was another piece of paper neatly sitting on his kitchen bench, because he did have intentions of following medical advice the best he could. Especially since it had dawned on him that he was pretty sure he was infected. He got down to his onesie and into the bed, and a heavy sigh of relief to just be lying down escaped. "I don't know if I can sleep. I just need to be horizontal and warm. And to not drive myself nuts thinking about my lack of income, and big family Thanksgivings, and the fact my test results are literally due sometime around Christmas and New Year."

Out of his clothes, it was clear to Caleb how skinny Zed had gotten... probably due to the fact that he was struggling to keep anything down with the PEP in his system. Someday, when Zed wasn't feeling so awful, Caleb wanted to look at him... truly take him in and study all of the ink on his body. There was a hell of a lot of it, and Caleb found that he liked it. It wasn't something he ever would've expected of Zoran, but it suited him, and Caleb found that he liked it. It was different, but in a good way. A way that made sense to Caleb from having known Zoran, and now getting to know this other side of him, too. The onesie fit Zoran so loosely that it was clear he hadn't been this skinny when he'd gotten it. It hung loose on him, and Caleb found himself wondering if it made him feel cold... Which he seemed to be as it was anyway. Being skinny as hell, not keeping food down, and losing blood were probably a triple whammy for his body temperature at the moment. Caleb wanted to hold him close and keep him warm, and it certainly looked like Zed could use it, too. Once they were lying beside each other, Caleb found himself tucking the blankets in close around Zed, making sure he was covered and warm to the best of his ability, and wrapping him that much closer in his arms.

Zoran felt even that much thinner when he was finally wrapped in Caleb's arms, but Caleb didn't comment on that directly. It wouldn't exactly be comforting for Zoran, and right now, Caleb just wanted to offer him comfort in any way that he could. His arms wrapped snugly around Zoran's middle, Caleb softly kissed his hair. "That's okay, too. I'll stay here as long as you need me and want me to. You've got a lot on your plate right now. Things I can't even begin to imagine, but I'll listen if you want to talk. And if you don't, we can do this cuddling thing as long as you'd like, too. I know this isn't easy for you. How could it be? And nothing I can say to you is going to make it better. But that doesn't mean I won't still be here with you and talk to you about it... Or we can talk about anything else in the world if you want to be distracted from it, too." With one hand, he moved to stroke Zoran's hair back out of his face, and despite the fact he seemed to feel chilly, he was still hot and feverish to the touch. "Are you allowed to take anything for the fever?" he asked softly as his fingers brushed Zoran's hair. "You really are burning up."

Zed had always been pretty slender. He had never been built, which meant he hadn't had a lot of body mass to sacrifice with this whole thing. His shows had always been hardcore, so he sweated a lot through them. His appetite had always been healthy, though. His foster mom always laughed at how much he and Brett could put away in food as teenage boys. When Zed had come to a family where there was always three hearty meals on the table every day, and as much there to snack on in between as they wanted, healthy and within reason, he never took it for granted. He had food at home, but mostly his father spent any money he had on booze, and prostitutes, apparently. Zed existed on freebies his boss gave him at his job at the supermarket, things getting close to the use-by date and they couldn't sell. All this latest mess had wiped his appetite and he could feel he had lost weight. He had been teetering between hot and cold since the shock of seeing Caleb in the audience and running in panic mode. The nights were worse, when he would wake up in a sweat. He was also managing to lose fluid from both ends, so he was trying to fight a losing battle. But as Riley said, it was impossible to isolate whether it was the PEP making him ill, or if he was exhibiting early-onset HIV symptoms.

"Just for the record, if my stomach starts to play up again, you might need to be on hand to help me get out of his onesie in a hurry," he said wryly. "It's not all that different to that time when we were eleven and ate too many blueberries from Mrs Harper's garden when she gave us free-range on them. None of this is really all that complicated, I guess. It probably seems like it, but to me, it's just a pile of shit I have to deal with because my attempt to cheat my way out of it ended in a mess. There's just... I don't know. I'm damaged. I was broken, and all the pieces got put back together the best way they could, but now there's a weakness in the structure there. The whole HIV thing... I mean, the first test they did only really confirms I was in contact with the virus because my body had started to build up antibodies to fight it. That's all it means. No test is conclusive until after three months. That's how long it takes for the virus to be detected on the full test. They'll stop the PEP a month after they started it. If it stops and I still feel sick, well..." He just shrugged.

When Zed was carefully tucked in next to him, Caleb was shifting to make sure that the blankets were tucked in around him... Despite the fever, he still seemed to be chilled, and Caleb was doing the best he could to help him be comfortable... even if comfort may have been a bit of a stretch in the grand scheme of things. Zed was shivering a little in Caleb's arms, and he just tightened his embrace that much more as if willing his own body heat to keep Zed warm. The arm that wasn't wrapped around his waist was tucked gently under his head, and his fingers were brushing softly over his hair. This was all a hell of a lot to think about, but if there was one piece of this that didn't require any thought for Caleb at all, it was the fact that he wanted to be here and keep Zed close to him. That part wasn't in question. How things would go, how best to handle what was going on... that would need to be worked through. But what Caleb wanted was to be close to Zed, and there were no doubts about that in the slightest. They would figure the rest out as they went, but it would start with this -- warmth, quiet, TLC -- with Zed being held and loved and cared for as much as he possibly could be, no matter what. The rest could damn well wait.

"I think I can manage that," Caleb said, managing a warm smile, even if it didn't hide the pain in his heart and in his eyes. But at the comparison to the fateful blueberry eating nightmare of their childhood, he had to laugh in spite of the pain. He remembered that day all too well, both of them incredibly sick from both ends sharing the one bathroom at Caleb's parents' house. That hadn't gone particularly well, but it had happened just the same, and they'd made it through. He shook his head before tucking it in at Zed's shoulder. "So we know you came in contact with it, but not whether the PEP helped or not?" Caleb replied, trying to make sure he'd understood. "So now it's just... waiting it out and seeing what happens when you stop the PEP? If you're not Positive, will the PEP stop making you sick immediately, or is that going to take a while, too?" Even as he was speaking, his fingers were still working through Zed's hair, trying to give that comfort and remind him that he was there. "Do you have a plan in place? I mean, for if you're Positive... treatment and all of that stuff?"

It felt nice to just be back in his own bed. He had admittedly tried to fight off feeling shitty in an attempt to claw a little normalcy back. That was why he went to the bar with Jax and Luke. Music generally helped ground him, but he just hadn't been feeling well enough to do much. He couldn't play his guitar anyway, and he had still been nauseated. He was realising that as much as he wanted to just keep going, stay busy, try not to think about everything, he couldn't. He had crashed physically and emotionally, and the penny had dropped for him that he needed to rest. He needed to stay in bed, sleep when he felt like it, and do a whole lot of not much else. It was hitting him now just how tired he was of running and looking over his shoulder all the time. He was lying there in his bed, trying to get warm and just realised that he felt weak and ill... because he was weak and ill. Without even realising it, he made a little moaning sound, mostly of relief but also giving into knowing this was exactly what he needed right now. It was just odd for him to have Caleb here with him. The times in the past after he came to New York and this happened, he had shut himself off, burrowed into his bed and slept for days on end because the world was too hard to face.

"I waited before I got the PEP," he admitted. Part of it was because he wasn't thinking straight and there was a bit of shock. He had also been hungover, and he had been in denial on some level because he couldn't actually remember doing it. Whatever 'it' was. It could have literally been anything. He tried to convince himself that the hooker being there to try to get her cash was maybe some Vegas scam on unsuspecting drunk people, but apparently he had sex with someone who was Positive, and unprotected. Little else could explain the domino effect of shit that came from it. It was why he got so overwhelmed and didn't fell like he had a way out of it. It felt like he would always be running and hiding from something. "They'll test again just before Christmas. Riley said he didn't like to discuss treatment before someone had a clinical diagnosis because the amount of medications was overwhelming. Which I do appreciate. I'm already overwhelmed enough."

The moan from Zed had Caleb tensing, almost as if he were afraid that he was hurting him. But it was followed by the tension releasing a little from Zed’s body, setting in a sense of calm for Caleb, too. When he was settled, Caleb felt more settled, too, and he shifted so that he could rest his chin on top of Zed’s head. The warmth of the room settled in around them, serving to soak into their bones after the cold from sitting outside together, and Caleb found himself thinking he’d rather be here than anywhere else in the world, no matter how fucking awful the circumstances might be. If Zoran was Positive, they’d face that together. It mattered… He’d never be so naïve as to say it didn’t. But it didn’t change his feelings for him… it didn’t make him want to leave. It didn’t take away the love that he felt deep inside him. All that it did was make him that much more determined not to walk away again. Zoran needed people he could love and rely on… people who weren’t going to hurt him more than he’d already been hurt, impossible though it might have seemed. And this time, Caleb was bound and determined to be one of the people who was solid and committed to him, loving him every step of the way.

“Why did you wait?” Caleb asked softly. He wasn’t accusing or angry. His words were tender and concerned. It was more a matter of wondering what had been going through Zed’s mind when he learned that he’d been exposed in the first place. “I mean, if you knew you’d been exposed, and that PEP was the best chance you had not to be infected…” He trailed off. He didn’t want Zoran to feel that he was judging him, because he wasn’t. He was just terrified for him. Sure, HIV wasn’t the death sentence that it used to be, but it was still a serious illness that would chance Zed’s life forever, and Caleb wanted so much better for him than that. “Will Riley be the doctor who treats you if the tests come back Positive?” he asked, hoping he wasn’t overwhelming Zoran with the questions. “I thought he was an ER doctor. Then again, there’s a hell of a lot of doctors, and you guys seem to know most of them, so I may just be getting people confused.” He shrugged, shifting a little so that he could press a gentle kiss to the top of Zoran’s head. Whatever they found out on the tests, they’d deal with it together if Zoran would let him. He wasn’t backing down from that. Not now or ever.

If there was one thing in this world impossible to explain accurately to someone, it was your own pain. You could try. You could try to liken it to something, but it was never accurate. All those lovely well-meaning people who asked how he was doing, he never had the heart to tell them he wasn't doing well. He always just said he was okay. He never said 'Fine'. He was never 'fine', and they knew he wasn't. 'Okay' was sort of that suspended place in between reality and fabrication that you could place your pain where people eased off from you to release you from the burden of trying to explain, and actually telling them the truth. Zed had spent a lot of time in the 'Okay' zone over the years. Right now, he wasn't really okay. He was in physical pain with his arm, he felt sick and tired, his head was messed up but not as much as it had been. Just lying in bed, feeling the comfort of it swallow him up, it was a relief.

"Denial, I guess. Or more accurately, there was probably a lot of reasons why, but that was the easiest one to feel. I was weighed down, and it's hard to be rational when you feel like that. When they told me I had a reactive test, it just felt like when I thought no more bad shit could happen to me, that goes and happens. Every traumatic thing that happens to you, you get knocked down completely by it. But every time, you never quite get up the same after it. Every thing takes a piece of you, until you start to feel like there's nothing left of you inside. Like when you break a vase and try to glue it back together. It's all a disjointed pieced together weak reconstruction that is missing pieces and chipped, and has an innate weakness that you know if you knock it over again, that next time, you might not be able to put it back together. Sooner or later, it's no longer a vase and just a pile of broken pieces that can't uphold another repair." He went quiet, because it was about as close as he could get to putting his life into words. Even then, it still felt like no one would really get it. "No, he won't be my doctor. Riley's the Senior Attending in the ER, so you won't see him out of that unit. He's in charge. Alex will be my doctor. He's an Infectious Diseases specialist. He's good. He's Riley's doctor. Riley highly recommended him."

There was no judging how Zoran had chosen to deal with the shock of the situation he was in. It wasn’t something that Caleb had ever been through, and he would never claim to know or understand it better than Zoran did. HIV, despite the changes in the treatments available, was still a scary thing. It still meant that you had to live your life differently. Something that, for Caleb, would be an annoyance, like a papercut or a nosebleed, for Zoran would end up being a huge infection control issue. If things ever moved forward for them, there would be no comfort sex without protection, because it would put Caleb at risk, and neither of them would really want that to be a danger they faced if they could help it. The risk of a condom breaking Caleb would deal with, because he loved Zoran, and he wanted that closeness and intimacy with him. He just knew that it wasn’t as simple as it would have been back when they were 15 year old virgins.

“I’m sorry you felt like that,” Caleb told him, his arms gentle around the other guy. “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. The fear and the shock and the not wanting to face up to it. Nobody can blame you for how you responded, and if they do, they don’t know what the hell you were going through.” His words, metaphorical though they might have been, made perfect sense. There were only so many times you could fall and be broken before there was no repairing you anymore. Caleb just found himself hoping that going forward, he could catch Zoran when he fell instead of watching him shatter over and over again without any way to put himself back together. “I know that my words are going to take a lot of backing up for a long time, darlin’. I’m not stupid enough to think that, after what happened with us in the past, my word is enough. That’s why I’m here. As long as it takes, I’m willing to be here and keep showing you that I mean what I said.” He nodded thoughtfully, grateful that Riley had given Zed a good suggestion for a doctor. If he was Positive, which he seemed to believe he was, Caleb wanted to know for a fact that he had the best medical care possible, and he had no doubt that a doctor would have the best doctor possible to treat something like this.

"Sorries aren't really necessary. Shit happens, I know. Trust me, I know. I know people are sorry I feel like I feel and I know they can't imagine how it was. I know all that. I've been aware of that since day one, since life started going to shit and never stopped going to shit. There isn't a single person I know who can remotely understand how bad life has been for me and how much it, little by little, completely beat me down until I'm suddenly sitting there realising I just cut my own wrists when I thought I had done every fucking thing I could to keep my head above water and keep swimming. Then I was just drowning, and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I wanted it all over because I'm just so fucking tired of being in pain, and I'm so fucking tired of feeling alone with that ever-present awareness that no one knows how I'm feeling." It was a lot to say, and Zoran had lost his breath by the time he was down, and shut his mouth abruptly.

His hand came up over his eyes and he just lay there in the wake of what he had said. He didn't want Caleb to keep saying he was fucking sorry about everything. "Don't you get it? Your sorries are useless. They mean nothing to me," he finally added, voice hoarse and thick with emotion. Maybe it wasn't a nice thing to say, but it was true. That didn't mean he wasn't going to give Caleb the chance to make good on the things he was saying he would make good on, but he couldn't never truly forgive him for what he did to him back then, or how he made him feel. Sorries were a request for forgiveness, and Zoran just couldn't do that.

The words may have been harsh, but maybe Caleb needed that. He could apologize for the rest of his life, and it would never repair the pain he’d caused. It would never bring them back to the connection they’d had before. It didn’t mean that they couldn’t forge a new connection and find their way together in a different way, but what it did mean was that he couldn’t rely on the past as a foundation for the future. If he did, it would ultimately be a shit foundation, and nothing could stand firm on that. He didn’t speak right away, instead letting his hand rest on Zoran stomach against the soft fabric of the onesie. He took a few moments to gather his thoughts before he nodded. “You’re right. Sorry doesn’t fix shit. And maybe none of this is a matter of fixing anything. The way things ended with us, there really wasn’t anything left to fix anyway. Maybe the best way to do any of this is to start over together and find a new way. I don’t know. I just… I want to know the best way to be here for you. Saying empty words… or even words that have meaning, but don’t change things… It’s not enough. I want to be here for you the way you need me to be.”

Caleb leaned close, kissing Zoran’s temple softly. It was such a soft, tender gesture, and he didn’t know if it was even welcome at this point, but it was love and the closest thing he could offer to comfort, and no matter what, he needed for him to know that Caleb was going to stay, even when things were hard, and even when he fucked up. Zoran could speak up when he needed to. Caleb wanted that. At the end of the day, he didn’t want their communication to break down before it had even truly started.

Zoran could pinpoint in that moment what he was feeling. It was fragile. It wasn't really weak. He was a lot of things, but weak wasn't one of them. If he had been weak, he wouldn't have survived what he went through. But he did feel fragile. He was hurting inside and out, he was feeling like he wanted to just find a comfortable spot and lie there for a very long time. You would rarely hear him complain. He had never been the sort to complain. He wore whatever came at him, and he went into his shell to try to protect himself from it, but that wasn't complaining. This was happening. Just like what happened all those years ago. His mother and sister gave up on him, Caleb stopped wanting to have anything to do with him, his father was beating him and completely lacking in being a father or taking care of him. He had grandparents back then, but since then, they had passed away. He had never been close to them to start with, all very prim and proper, invested into the 'done thing to do'. They hadn't even known his father was beating him. No one wanted to tell them for fear of tainting the family.

He looked at Caleb tiredly, not saying anything. There was a lot he could say, but sometimes words didn't really contribute to anything. "So, just do it, I guess. I don't have the answers anymore than you do," he mumbled. He wasn't angry. He had been through the anger when he first realised Caleb had discovered him. All the anger he had felt back then had come rushing forward, but now he knew maintaining that was pointless. It wouldn't amend or change a thing. "Maybe there's no best way. Maybe there's just one way, and that's all there is to do, and see how it goes. I can't promise anything. I don't know how things are going to be for me from now on. If I'm sick, I'm gonna need to deal with that, and it's not going to be easy. Fuck, I feel sick," he found himself rounding up his thoughts with. He rolled onto his side in towards Caleb with his head buried against his shoulder while he tried to curl up and wait out this new wave of stomach pain and nausea hitting him.

As Zoran turned into his shoulder, Caleb wrapped his arms around him, hands coming up to run tenderly and gently through the other man's hair. There was a need in him to offer comfort and love to Zoran when he was hurting and ill, and while he couldn't take away the pain, he could more than offer comfort to him in the form of gentle touches and soft soothing sounds. "I don't know how things are going to go," he confessed, holding him close as he mentally crossed everything that Zoran wouldn't throw up again. He was worried about him not being able to hold down anything to hydrate him at all. He was worried about all of this, really. But he would be here for Zoran no matter what it took, one way or another. "But I think we'll figure it out together."

Caleb gently rubbed Zoran's stomach, trying to help to ease the pain in any way he could, but he really couldn't be sure this was helping. He didn't really fully know what to do here -- what any of the answers were or how to find them even. But right now, in pain and sick and needing comfort, Zoran was choosing to get that comfort from him, and Caleb would never take that for granted.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"We live through scars this time..."

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