"We live through scars this time..."

[zedblaze]

Who: Zed Blaze and Caleb Leary
What: "But I've made up my mind."
Where: The Bondi, NYC
When: Friday afternoon

There were three people to thank for the fact Zed was sitting on a stool on the stage at Luke's bar that afternoon. Jax and Luke, who had suggested he come there to hang out so he didn't just go home to be alone when he was discharged from hospital. And Richie. Richie most of all, because it was after spending hours talking to him the night before. At first, Richie had just come after his shift to check how Zed was doing and even though Zed said he was fine so Richie had the open road to go home to spend time with his boyfriend, Richie saw something in his eyes and heard something in his voice. He didn't leave. He stayed, and he told Zed he would stay even if he didn't want to talk.

What happened then was that Zed basically poured his heart out to Richie about everything. For some reason, Richie was just easy to talk to. Or maybe it was because Zed was ready to talk. Probably both. It was more than Zed had spoken of Caleb in a very long time... perhaps even ever. Zed got to a point where, in tears once again, he said he didn't love Caleb anymore. He just couldn't do it. Richie had just looked at him and told him love didn't work like that, and then asked him if he didn't love him, or he didn't know how to be loved by him. It was the million dollar question and it had completely floored Zed. It was the floodgates opened, and for the first time in his life, Zed freely told someone his deepest and most painful thoughts that he had locked away tight and never wanted to visit again.

Zed's arm was still heavily bandaged and braced because of the surgery. He couldn't play guitar, and there was a chance he wouldn't be able to again. He didn't know what he would do if that happened. He knew he looked really rough because Jaz outright told him he had the right look for Halloween. Jax, who was pretty musical, mostly a drummer but could also play guitar, was messing around jamming with Damien, who was there to soundcheck for a gig he had that night. Zed saw Caleb arrive as soon as he walked into the bar. He didn't really know what to do here. He had been telling himself he would know when the moment came, but it wasn't that easy. He had chatted to Jax and Damien about a song he wanted to work on, and he had been having trouble getting the strength to hit the notes.

Jax had quizzed him about whether it was for someone, mostly teasing. Even though his friend was standing a few paces for him, Zed couldn't really look away from Caleb across the bar. It was like there was no one else there while his head and heart tried to converge and figure out what he should do now he had gotten Caleb here. Was it too premature? Should he overthink any of this? Why were fear and pain the easiest emotions to feel above all else, especially love?

The stare he had locked with Caleb was broken when Jax started to play the song, and Zed's eyes shifted to glance at Jax, who just did his sexy curious eyebow thing. So, he just put his hand around the mic and started to sing...

Comments

[bemydownfall]

Out of his clothes, it was clear to Caleb how skinny Zed had gotten... probably due to the fact that he was struggling to keep anything down with the PEP in his system. Someday, when Zed wasn't feeling so awful, Caleb wanted to look at him... truly take him in and study all of the ink on his body. There was a hell of a lot of it, and Caleb found that he liked it. It wasn't something he ever would've expected of Zoran, but it suited him, and Caleb found that he liked it. It was different, but in a good way. A way that made sense to Caleb from having known Zoran, and now getting to know this other side of him, too. The onesie fit Zoran so loosely that it was clear he hadn't been this skinny when he'd gotten it. It hung loose on him, and Caleb found himself wondering if it made him feel cold... Which he seemed to be as it was anyway. Being skinny as hell, not keeping food down, and losing blood were probably a triple whammy for his body temperature at the moment. Caleb wanted to hold him close and keep him warm, and it certainly looked like Zed could use it, too. Once they were lying beside each other, Caleb found himself tucking the blankets in close around Zed, making sure he was covered and warm to the best of his ability, and wrapping him that much closer in his arms.

Zoran felt even that much thinner when he was finally wrapped in Caleb's arms, but Caleb didn't comment on that directly. It wouldn't exactly be comforting for Zoran, and right now, Caleb just wanted to offer him comfort in any way that he could. His arms wrapped snugly around Zoran's middle, Caleb softly kissed his hair. "That's okay, too. I'll stay here as long as you need me and want me to. You've got a lot on your plate right now. Things I can't even begin to imagine, but I'll listen if you want to talk. And if you don't, we can do this cuddling thing as long as you'd like, too. I know this isn't easy for you. How could it be? And nothing I can say to you is going to make it better. But that doesn't mean I won't still be here with you and talk to you about it... Or we can talk about anything else in the world if you want to be distracted from it, too." With one hand, he moved to stroke Zoran's hair back out of his face, and despite the fact he seemed to feel chilly, he was still hot and feverish to the touch. "Are you allowed to take anything for the fever?" he asked softly as his fingers brushed Zoran's hair. "You really are burning up."

[zedblaze]

Zed had always been pretty slender. He had never been built, which meant he hadn't had a lot of body mass to sacrifice with this whole thing. His shows had always been hardcore, so he sweated a lot through them. His appetite had always been healthy, though. His foster mom always laughed at how much he and Brett could put away in food as teenage boys. When Zed had come to a family where there was always three hearty meals on the table every day, and as much there to snack on in between as they wanted, healthy and within reason, he never took it for granted. He had food at home, but mostly his father spent any money he had on booze, and prostitutes, apparently. Zed existed on freebies his boss gave him at his job at the supermarket, things getting close to the use-by date and they couldn't sell. All this latest mess had wiped his appetite and he could feel he had lost weight. He had been teetering between hot and cold since the shock of seeing Caleb in the audience and running in panic mode. The nights were worse, when he would wake up in a sweat. He was also managing to lose fluid from both ends, so he was trying to fight a losing battle. But as Riley said, it was impossible to isolate whether it was the PEP making him ill, or if he was exhibiting early-onset HIV symptoms.

"Just for the record, if my stomach starts to play up again, you might need to be on hand to help me get out of his onesie in a hurry," he said wryly. "It's not all that different to that time when we were eleven and ate too many blueberries from Mrs Harper's garden when she gave us free-range on them. None of this is really all that complicated, I guess. It probably seems like it, but to me, it's just a pile of shit I have to deal with because my attempt to cheat my way out of it ended in a mess. There's just... I don't know. I'm damaged. I was broken, and all the pieces got put back together the best way they could, but now there's a weakness in the structure there. The whole HIV thing... I mean, the first test they did only really confirms I was in contact with the virus because my body had started to build up antibodies to fight it. That's all it means. No test is conclusive until after three months. That's how long it takes for the virus to be detected on the full test. They'll stop the PEP a month after they started it. If it stops and I still feel sick, well..." He just shrugged.

[bemydownfall]

When Zed was carefully tucked in next to him, Caleb was shifting to make sure that the blankets were tucked in around him... Despite the fever, he still seemed to be chilled, and Caleb was doing the best he could to help him be comfortable... even if comfort may have been a bit of a stretch in the grand scheme of things. Zed was shivering a little in Caleb's arms, and he just tightened his embrace that much more as if willing his own body heat to keep Zed warm. The arm that wasn't wrapped around his waist was tucked gently under his head, and his fingers were brushing softly over his hair. This was all a hell of a lot to think about, but if there was one piece of this that didn't require any thought for Caleb at all, it was the fact that he wanted to be here and keep Zed close to him. That part wasn't in question. How things would go, how best to handle what was going on... that would need to be worked through. But what Caleb wanted was to be close to Zed, and there were no doubts about that in the slightest. They would figure the rest out as they went, but it would start with this -- warmth, quiet, TLC -- with Zed being held and loved and cared for as much as he possibly could be, no matter what. The rest could damn well wait.

"I think I can manage that," Caleb said, managing a warm smile, even if it didn't hide the pain in his heart and in his eyes. But at the comparison to the fateful blueberry eating nightmare of their childhood, he had to laugh in spite of the pain. He remembered that day all too well, both of them incredibly sick from both ends sharing the one bathroom at Caleb's parents' house. That hadn't gone particularly well, but it had happened just the same, and they'd made it through. He shook his head before tucking it in at Zed's shoulder. "So we know you came in contact with it, but not whether the PEP helped or not?" Caleb replied, trying to make sure he'd understood. "So now it's just... waiting it out and seeing what happens when you stop the PEP? If you're not Positive, will the PEP stop making you sick immediately, or is that going to take a while, too?" Even as he was speaking, his fingers were still working through Zed's hair, trying to give that comfort and remind him that he was there. "Do you have a plan in place? I mean, for if you're Positive... treatment and all of that stuff?"

[zedblaze]

It felt nice to just be back in his own bed. He had admittedly tried to fight off feeling shitty in an attempt to claw a little normalcy back. That was why he went to the bar with Jax and Luke. Music generally helped ground him, but he just hadn't been feeling well enough to do much. He couldn't play his guitar anyway, and he had still been nauseated. He was realising that as much as he wanted to just keep going, stay busy, try not to think about everything, he couldn't. He had crashed physically and emotionally, and the penny had dropped for him that he needed to rest. He needed to stay in bed, sleep when he felt like it, and do a whole lot of not much else. It was hitting him now just how tired he was of running and looking over his shoulder all the time. He was lying there in his bed, trying to get warm and just realised that he felt weak and ill... because he was weak and ill. Without even realising it, he made a little moaning sound, mostly of relief but also giving into knowing this was exactly what he needed right now. It was just odd for him to have Caleb here with him. The times in the past after he came to New York and this happened, he had shut himself off, burrowed into his bed and slept for days on end because the world was too hard to face.

"I waited before I got the PEP," he admitted. Part of it was because he wasn't thinking straight and there was a bit of shock. He had also been hungover, and he had been in denial on some level because he couldn't actually remember doing it. Whatever 'it' was. It could have literally been anything. He tried to convince himself that the hooker being there to try to get her cash was maybe some Vegas scam on unsuspecting drunk people, but apparently he had sex with someone who was Positive, and unprotected. Little else could explain the domino effect of shit that came from it. It was why he got so overwhelmed and didn't fell like he had a way out of it. It felt like he would always be running and hiding from something. "They'll test again just before Christmas. Riley said he didn't like to discuss treatment before someone had a clinical diagnosis because the amount of medications was overwhelming. Which I do appreciate. I'm already overwhelmed enough."

[bemydownfall]

The moan from Zed had Caleb tensing, almost as if he were afraid that he was hurting him. But it was followed by the tension releasing a little from Zed’s body, setting in a sense of calm for Caleb, too. When he was settled, Caleb felt more settled, too, and he shifted so that he could rest his chin on top of Zed’s head. The warmth of the room settled in around them, serving to soak into their bones after the cold from sitting outside together, and Caleb found himself thinking he’d rather be here than anywhere else in the world, no matter how fucking awful the circumstances might be. If Zoran was Positive, they’d face that together. It mattered… He’d never be so naïve as to say it didn’t. But it didn’t change his feelings for him… it didn’t make him want to leave. It didn’t take away the love that he felt deep inside him. All that it did was make him that much more determined not to walk away again. Zoran needed people he could love and rely on… people who weren’t going to hurt him more than he’d already been hurt, impossible though it might have seemed. And this time, Caleb was bound and determined to be one of the people who was solid and committed to him, loving him every step of the way.

“Why did you wait?” Caleb asked softly. He wasn’t accusing or angry. His words were tender and concerned. It was more a matter of wondering what had been going through Zed’s mind when he learned that he’d been exposed in the first place. “I mean, if you knew you’d been exposed, and that PEP was the best chance you had not to be infected…” He trailed off. He didn’t want Zoran to feel that he was judging him, because he wasn’t. He was just terrified for him. Sure, HIV wasn’t the death sentence that it used to be, but it was still a serious illness that would chance Zed’s life forever, and Caleb wanted so much better for him than that. “Will Riley be the doctor who treats you if the tests come back Positive?” he asked, hoping he wasn’t overwhelming Zoran with the questions. “I thought he was an ER doctor. Then again, there’s a hell of a lot of doctors, and you guys seem to know most of them, so I may just be getting people confused.” He shrugged, shifting a little so that he could press a gentle kiss to the top of Zoran’s head. Whatever they found out on the tests, they’d deal with it together if Zoran would let him. He wasn’t backing down from that. Not now or ever.

[zedblaze]

If there was one thing in this world impossible to explain accurately to someone, it was your own pain. You could try. You could try to liken it to something, but it was never accurate. All those lovely well-meaning people who asked how he was doing, he never had the heart to tell them he wasn't doing well. He always just said he was okay. He never said 'Fine'. He was never 'fine', and they knew he wasn't. 'Okay' was sort of that suspended place in between reality and fabrication that you could place your pain where people eased off from you to release you from the burden of trying to explain, and actually telling them the truth. Zed had spent a lot of time in the 'Okay' zone over the years. Right now, he wasn't really okay. He was in physical pain with his arm, he felt sick and tired, his head was messed up but not as much as it had been. Just lying in bed, feeling the comfort of it swallow him up, it was a relief.

"Denial, I guess. Or more accurately, there was probably a lot of reasons why, but that was the easiest one to feel. I was weighed down, and it's hard to be rational when you feel like that. When they told me I had a reactive test, it just felt like when I thought no more bad shit could happen to me, that goes and happens. Every traumatic thing that happens to you, you get knocked down completely by it. But every time, you never quite get up the same after it. Every thing takes a piece of you, until you start to feel like there's nothing left of you inside. Like when you break a vase and try to glue it back together. It's all a disjointed pieced together weak reconstruction that is missing pieces and chipped, and has an innate weakness that you know if you knock it over again, that next time, you might not be able to put it back together. Sooner or later, it's no longer a vase and just a pile of broken pieces that can't uphold another repair." He went quiet, because it was about as close as he could get to putting his life into words. Even then, it still felt like no one would really get it. "No, he won't be my doctor. Riley's the Senior Attending in the ER, so you won't see him out of that unit. He's in charge. Alex will be my doctor. He's an Infectious Diseases specialist. He's good. He's Riley's doctor. Riley highly recommended him."

[bemydownfall]

There was no judging how Zoran had chosen to deal with the shock of the situation he was in. It wasn’t something that Caleb had ever been through, and he would never claim to know or understand it better than Zoran did. HIV, despite the changes in the treatments available, was still a scary thing. It still meant that you had to live your life differently. Something that, for Caleb, would be an annoyance, like a papercut or a nosebleed, for Zoran would end up being a huge infection control issue. If things ever moved forward for them, there would be no comfort sex without protection, because it would put Caleb at risk, and neither of them would really want that to be a danger they faced if they could help it. The risk of a condom breaking Caleb would deal with, because he loved Zoran, and he wanted that closeness and intimacy with him. He just knew that it wasn’t as simple as it would have been back when they were 15 year old virgins.

“I’m sorry you felt like that,” Caleb told him, his arms gentle around the other guy. “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. The fear and the shock and the not wanting to face up to it. Nobody can blame you for how you responded, and if they do, they don’t know what the hell you were going through.” His words, metaphorical though they might have been, made perfect sense. There were only so many times you could fall and be broken before there was no repairing you anymore. Caleb just found himself hoping that going forward, he could catch Zoran when he fell instead of watching him shatter over and over again without any way to put himself back together. “I know that my words are going to take a lot of backing up for a long time, darlin’. I’m not stupid enough to think that, after what happened with us in the past, my word is enough. That’s why I’m here. As long as it takes, I’m willing to be here and keep showing you that I mean what I said.” He nodded thoughtfully, grateful that Riley had given Zed a good suggestion for a doctor. If he was Positive, which he seemed to believe he was, Caleb wanted to know for a fact that he had the best medical care possible, and he had no doubt that a doctor would have the best doctor possible to treat something like this.

[zedblaze]

"Sorries aren't really necessary. Shit happens, I know. Trust me, I know. I know people are sorry I feel like I feel and I know they can't imagine how it was. I know all that. I've been aware of that since day one, since life started going to shit and never stopped going to shit. There isn't a single person I know who can remotely understand how bad life has been for me and how much it, little by little, completely beat me down until I'm suddenly sitting there realising I just cut my own wrists when I thought I had done every fucking thing I could to keep my head above water and keep swimming. Then I was just drowning, and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I wanted it all over because I'm just so fucking tired of being in pain, and I'm so fucking tired of feeling alone with that ever-present awareness that no one knows how I'm feeling." It was a lot to say, and Zoran had lost his breath by the time he was down, and shut his mouth abruptly.

His hand came up over his eyes and he just lay there in the wake of what he had said. He didn't want Caleb to keep saying he was fucking sorry about everything. "Don't you get it? Your sorries are useless. They mean nothing to me," he finally added, voice hoarse and thick with emotion. Maybe it wasn't a nice thing to say, but it was true. That didn't mean he wasn't going to give Caleb the chance to make good on the things he was saying he would make good on, but he couldn't never truly forgive him for what he did to him back then, or how he made him feel. Sorries were a request for forgiveness, and Zoran just couldn't do that.

[bemydownfall]

The words may have been harsh, but maybe Caleb needed that. He could apologize for the rest of his life, and it would never repair the pain he’d caused. It would never bring them back to the connection they’d had before. It didn’t mean that they couldn’t forge a new connection and find their way together in a different way, but what it did mean was that he couldn’t rely on the past as a foundation for the future. If he did, it would ultimately be a shit foundation, and nothing could stand firm on that. He didn’t speak right away, instead letting his hand rest on Zoran stomach against the soft fabric of the onesie. He took a few moments to gather his thoughts before he nodded. “You’re right. Sorry doesn’t fix shit. And maybe none of this is a matter of fixing anything. The way things ended with us, there really wasn’t anything left to fix anyway. Maybe the best way to do any of this is to start over together and find a new way. I don’t know. I just… I want to know the best way to be here for you. Saying empty words… or even words that have meaning, but don’t change things… It’s not enough. I want to be here for you the way you need me to be.”

Caleb leaned close, kissing Zoran’s temple softly. It was such a soft, tender gesture, and he didn’t know if it was even welcome at this point, but it was love and the closest thing he could offer to comfort, and no matter what, he needed for him to know that Caleb was going to stay, even when things were hard, and even when he fucked up. Zoran could speak up when he needed to. Caleb wanted that. At the end of the day, he didn’t want their communication to break down before it had even truly started.

[zedblaze]

Zoran could pinpoint in that moment what he was feeling. It was fragile. It wasn't really weak. He was a lot of things, but weak wasn't one of them. If he had been weak, he wouldn't have survived what he went through. But he did feel fragile. He was hurting inside and out, he was feeling like he wanted to just find a comfortable spot and lie there for a very long time. You would rarely hear him complain. He had never been the sort to complain. He wore whatever came at him, and he went into his shell to try to protect himself from it, but that wasn't complaining. This was happening. Just like what happened all those years ago. His mother and sister gave up on him, Caleb stopped wanting to have anything to do with him, his father was beating him and completely lacking in being a father or taking care of him. He had grandparents back then, but since then, they had passed away. He had never been close to them to start with, all very prim and proper, invested into the 'done thing to do'. They hadn't even known his father was beating him. No one wanted to tell them for fear of tainting the family.

He looked at Caleb tiredly, not saying anything. There was a lot he could say, but sometimes words didn't really contribute to anything. "So, just do it, I guess. I don't have the answers anymore than you do," he mumbled. He wasn't angry. He had been through the anger when he first realised Caleb had discovered him. All the anger he had felt back then had come rushing forward, but now he knew maintaining that was pointless. It wouldn't amend or change a thing. "Maybe there's no best way. Maybe there's just one way, and that's all there is to do, and see how it goes. I can't promise anything. I don't know how things are going to be for me from now on. If I'm sick, I'm gonna need to deal with that, and it's not going to be easy. Fuck, I feel sick," he found himself rounding up his thoughts with. He rolled onto his side in towards Caleb with his head buried against his shoulder while he tried to curl up and wait out this new wave of stomach pain and nausea hitting him.

[bemydownfall]

As Zoran turned into his shoulder, Caleb wrapped his arms around him, hands coming up to run tenderly and gently through the other man's hair. There was a need in him to offer comfort and love to Zoran when he was hurting and ill, and while he couldn't take away the pain, he could more than offer comfort to him in the form of gentle touches and soft soothing sounds. "I don't know how things are going to go," he confessed, holding him close as he mentally crossed everything that Zoran wouldn't throw up again. He was worried about him not being able to hold down anything to hydrate him at all. He was worried about all of this, really. But he would be here for Zoran no matter what it took, one way or another. "But I think we'll figure it out together."

Caleb gently rubbed Zoran's stomach, trying to help to ease the pain in any way he could, but he really couldn't be sure this was helping. He didn't really fully know what to do here -- what any of the answers were or how to find them even. But right now, in pain and sick and needing comfort, Zoran was choosing to get that comfort from him, and Caleb would never take that for granted.