dreamlikenewyork | "I'm locked in your eyes, I love our quality time."

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"I'm locked in your eyes, I love our quality time."

Who: Jace and Jesse Hartley
What: Quality Time
Where: Hartley/Turner/Casey Home, NYC
When: After this

It felt to Jace like it had been days since he had seen his husband. It hadn't, of course. In fact, that evening was the first shift Jesse had been at work all week because he took time off to care for Jace after he had a nasty seizure that really impacting his functioning this time. But to Jace, it felt like a lot longer. Whenever he had seizures like that, he lost all concept of time and slept a lot while his body and brain recovered. He had vague recollection of Jesse's presence but it wasn't like a usual consciousness of spending time with someone. It was patchy and could even be inaccurate recollections. Jesse had left for his shift that morning before Jace was awake and he was really missing him. Jace knew some things had happened while he was out of it and he wanted to talk to Jesse about them, make sure he was okay.

Jace couldn't believe how boring the tv show he chose to watch while he worked on some designs on his sketchpad was. It could just be because his attention span was skewed with his head still a little hazy or because he was watching alone but it definitely wasn't entertaining him like he hoped it would. He was just about to switch to something different when he heard the front door open and close up the hall, and a few moments later, Jesse appeared. Jace broke into a grin. "You're home! I missed you, baby. Did you finish early or am I messing my times up again?"

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Jesse drew a deep breath and let it out slowly, putting his hand on Jace's arm both in an effort to calm him and in apology. The last thing he wanted to do was get Jace upset when it was never easy for him to regulate his emotions after he'd been having seizures. If that was one thing he and Jace shared with their illnesses, it was that. Jesse's emotions were always raw and fragile when he was recovering from a seizure too. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm not firing on all cylinders today. I promise, I'm not purposefully dodging answering, I'm just a bit slow on the uptake. You're just completely out of it, darlin'. It starts much the same, you check out and most of the time, you still come out of it in a few minutes like usual. You'll be sick and really dizzy, which gets worse if we try to move you too much. Then you'll either come through it and be feeling pretty crappy but just crash out and sleep it off. If it's a real bad one, though, it might happen over and over for a few days. You might be out of it but still really sick because of what's going on in your brain or you're awake but not really. You can't communicate. When you start to come through it, that's when you've been getting upset or angry that you can't communicate and you've been fighting against my help. That gets difficult when..." He hesitated, knowing what he was about to say was one part Jace had always been extremely sensitive and embarrassed about. "When you're incontinent or you can't drink or eat without help. You can't verbalise if you're feeling sick or need to be sick and if you get sick on yourself, you get upset when we have to get you cleaned up, so I try to do all I can to pre-empt what you need. But you're not really there, so I can't reassure you it's okay. Which is all I want to do. But it's not too much and it's not why I'm feeling fatigued. It's just one of multiple things that are weighing on me."

When Jace had his hands to his eyes, Jesse rubbed his back and closed his eyes briefly, feeling terrible he was doing a crappy job reassuring Jace. "Yeah, it can be a lot but it's not too much. It's what we both signed up for when we got married, remember? There were no more words I meant in my life than our wedding vows. I won't censor with you, okay? I'll try to tell you what I'm feeling, I promise. The only thing is, I don't really know exactly all I'm feeling at the moment. I think that's why I'm doing a shitty job relaying it to you. I need rest, that's all. I think we both do. That's all I'm trying to say. Of course I want you to help me and take care of me, but I'm okay. Rest is all I need. Maybe extra cuddles."

"I'm sorry. I'm not getting frustrated at you, I promise. I'm just... I remember some of the bad stuff. Like, it's hazy and I guess it's more just a consciousness of how bad I'm feeling with it but I hate that I remember that but not so much you there helping me. It pisses me off because you do so much for me and I feel like I'm leaving you to fly blind with it all. Which is so fucking dumb, I know. Beyond dumb. It's not like I can control my dumbfuck brain injury or the seizures. But the bad ones are definitely worse when they happen from what you're saying, so this feeling like I'm getting worse, it's not just all in my head and making a big deal out of nothing?" Jace searched his husband's face and when he saw the exhaustion staring back at him written all over Jesse, he touched his cheek and then cupped his hand behind Jesse's head to invite him into a soft but lingering kiss. After it, he caressed his thumb over Jesse's cheek, their foreheads resting together. "I hate hat you can't even escape being a nurse at home. When we got married, I knew there'd be those occasional times I'd had really bad ones but not as often as they are now. Maybe we can hire, like, a home nurse for those times so it's not all on you and Evan...?" He hated asking it. It hurt. But he didn't know how else to help.

He nodded and wrapped his arms around Jesse. "I can do extra cuddles. I can give you backrubs or draw you a bubble bath. I can snuggle with you in bed while you rest. Remember one of our first dates after I'd had a seizure and was feeling a bit rough, so we couldn't go out like we planned and you built me an amazing pillow fort in the living room? We watched our favourite movies and just lay in there together. Maybe we need to do that again, for you this time? Ask for some time off work, yeah? We can play it by ear but I want you to take some time off to really rest properly and switch off. Otherwise, you're going to be so burnt out, you get really sick. I want to know I can nurse you the same way you nurse me, but I can't and that hurts so fucking much."

"Are you purposefully trying to piss me off by suggesting I see taking care of you as part of my job?" Normally, Jesse had all the patience in the world but if there was one thing that had the capacity to be a touchy subject when he was running on empty and his emotions were frayed, it was this. A big part of him knew Jace didn't mean anything hurtful or offensive but he also knew Jace's brain injury meant he usually had no filter, so his honesty was as reliable as honesty could get, so Jesse was hurt by what he said. "What are you trying to get me to say, Jace? That, yeah, you're getting worse so I'm no longer capable of handling it? Do you see taking care of me as a job, as a chore, when I'm sick? I can't believe you even..." He just trailed off, shaking his head and pushed his plate away. If he barely had an appetite before, he definitely didn't now. He didn't want to argue with Jace or upset him more than he already was but he was definitely upset himself now too and didn't want to accidentally say anything he didn't mean or would regret because he was exhausted. That was never a good mix with emotions.

He rubbed his eyes slowly, tiredly. "I don't know if I feel like it, if you're just going to keep drilling me to say you're worse and don't want me looking after you anymore. I don't really feel like being told I'm shit at what I do because sometimes, I get tired and sometimes, caring for people who are sick and in pain means I take their pain on board so they're not carrying it alone. If that makes me shit at being a caring husband, then I don't fucking know the answer because this is me and I'm not ashamed of that. I lived with shame of being me long enough and I won't do it anymore. I don't need a nurse, I need my husband. I think I'm just going to go to bed. This is not doing either of us any good."

"Jess, I didn't say that. I definitely didn't mean it. I'm just trying to tell you I'm worried I'm getting worse, that's all. I get it, you're not feeling well and don't need me whining about everything when you're exhausted. Just forget I said anything. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it how it sounded. You should get some sleep. I'm here if you need anything." Jesse hardly ever got snappy, so it was always jarring for Jace when he did. But it did go a long way to showing him just how exhausted Jesse was and even getting a good night's sleep probably wouldn't do a whole lot for it. Jace was already feeling pretty fucking useless but now he felt pretty fucking useless and guilty for hurting Jesse like that. It was kicking him he was already down. He hated fighting with Jesse so much, he could feel his appetite dwindling and it was only seeing Jesse push his plate away that he noticed how little his husband touched any of the food. It wasn't like Jesse was a massive eater. He was a typical nurse who could run on very little and make it through really difficult shifts at work but this was barely a bite or two in and he wondered if Jesse was downplaying how rough he was feeling so he didn't worry him more of it he didn't actually realise his appetite had taken a hit too. He wanted to ask him about it because if there was one thing he did get, it was that sometimes, in the lead up to having seizures, you could feel off in ways that were hard to explain but he didn't want to piss Jesse off even more, so he just quietly started to put the lids back onto the takeout containers, expecting Jesse to storm out of the conversation like he sounded like he wanted to.

Jesse was about to get up and go inside but not to storm off. As soon as he saw Jace's reaction and the look on his face, he knew unintentionally misdirecting what he was feeling and taking it out on the wrong person. There was no one at fault or to blame, it was a culmination of a lot of little things compounding. He put his hand over Jace's before he picked up the next lid. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you, darlin'. That wasn't fair. But what you said did hurt. I don't want you to think you can't talk to me about these things. You can. Always. I'll reassure you but I'm not sure you believe me when I do. You're not any sicker than you always have been. You're still just in your early twenties, so your brain isn't fully developed yet. Your seizures are just more intense and you're taking longer to come through the episodes. I've talked a lot to Evan and Ethan about it. They said the time to be concerned is when you have the ones you don't come through easily, more often. The ones you can't regain consciousness with and you need hospital treatment for. That doesn't mean they won't run tests if you're worried. It's okay if you don't trust my judgement on any of it. It's your body, not mine. You're allowed to be worried and scared. That also doesn't mean I don't get scared and worried that might be what we're facing any time you do have seizures but it's on me to cope better. It doesn't mean it's too much of you're a burden. I really am sorry me not feeling so hot today made you feel like you shouldn't talk to me about it. I never want you to think that." He got really emotional then and his voice wavered, feeling that tightness in his throat when he veered close to tearing up. "Is it too late to accept that offer of a bubble bath? That and an early bed will really help."

Jace put his arms around Jesse and kissed his forehead before wrapping him in a full hug. He looked and sounded like he needed one, and Jace did too. He was glad they were one of those strange couples who very rarely argued about anything. That didn't mean there wasn't tension. He knew when his moods and emotions were a bit skewed with his brain injury, he could have a short fuse. That was why he could never spite Jesse feeling emotionally fragile and sensitive. "Of course it's not too late. I just need you to know first, though, that I wasn't asking about getting worse to try to say you're not capable or that I don't want you taking care of me. That's never going to be a thing. Literally ever. And if it is, then I'll know I'm worse and beyond help to be saying that sort of thing. But I'm always going to wish this wasn't our normal and wish we didn't have to think about any of it. You would never tell me it's too much so I have to ask sometimes. That's part of me taking care of you. I didn't say it in the best way and went about what I was trying to say badly. I was just trying to see if you needed help at the moment. You're not feeling good and if I was worse, it would be okay to say if you needed more help." He sat back a little see Jesse's face again, hands resting on Jesse's hips. "Are you feeling sick? You barely touched the dinner. Literally barely. You had a couple of bites. If I ask if you maybe need to see a doctor, would you give me an honest answer? That's not me asking if you're lying. I mean, an honest answer with yourself. What do you need help with?"

Jesse nodded, even if he was still trying to figure out what the best way to tackle any of this was. But he knew Jace wasn't so much looking for reassurance - which was where Jesse would always try to go first for anyone - as he was trying to assess if he should be on the train to freaking out. That was precisely what Jesse was trying to prevent as much as he could. It wasn't healthy for Jace to be stressed, especially not on the back of seizure episodes. "Sorry, no. I'm not feeling sick, that's not what I was nodding at. I was just agreeing that making an appointment for a check up with the doctor is a good idea. Just to confirm this is nothing to be concerned about, if nothing else. I'm just not hungry, darlin'. I never am when I'm overtired. If I try to eat, I'm sure feeling sick is where I'll end up, though. You don't need to worry. At least, not excessively. I'm not trying to spite you being concerned because I'm not myself. 'Course you're going to be. It's just about needing to take a lil' extra care of myself because I've been dropping the ball with it. Merlin being unwell and the news about Brandon all hitting at once, then your seizures. Plus, I'm worried about Beau. And how Merlin's going to get on with Cillian. It's a lot of layers of stress, that's all. If I'm not feeling any better in the morning, I'll make an appointment to see the doctor and you can come along with me. Deal?"

Jace stood and offered Jesse both his hands to help him up too. He didn't blame Jesse for hoping a good night's sleep would patch some of what he was feeling up. It was always a long shot, though. Especially when Jesse was an extremely light sleeper and if things were playing on his mind, he struggled to get to sleep or stay asleep. "Okay, but with one proviso. You let me make sure you have something for breakfast, even if about all I can make without supervision is cereal or a banana smoothie." Once Jesse stood too, Jace took both his hands and searched his face quietly for a moment. "I'm trying, okay? I know I miss the mark a lot and today, you probably need me to not do that today more than ever. I never feel like I'm able enough to take care of you and I don't want to piss you off saying that. I just... just don't always know what I can do to help. I get scared I'm going to make it worse and I don't know how to stop feeling like that. I've been feeling like that all my life. At least, the parts of my life since I was hurt. It's like, I realise you're not doing so well and I panic inside about that, then it takes my head a bit to catch up that you're not actually telling me or needing me to do anything. I-- I dunno what I'm really trying to say but there, I said it. For what it's worth." He gave Jesse a look that clearly showed he just confused himself more than he was before he said anything, so how the hell could he expect Jesse to get it?

"I know, darlin'. This is on me for being a snappy bitch and taking what you said the wrong way. Nothing you do or don't do can make something like this worse. The only thing I need is you to be there. Unless I'm post-seizure myself and can't communicate, I promise I'll tell you if there's anything specific you can do. There is never a time I want you feeling you can't tell me if you're frustrated or upset your disability. It's disability, not inability. There hasn't been one moment since I met you that I've felt you're unable to help me. You do more reflexively and subconsciously than you realise. There's no one else more able at being my husband than you and I genuinely mean that. This is just not something you've had to deal with before and you always struggle when we're knocked out of our comfort zone because your brain doesn't process new information. It takes time for it to stamp into your psyche. We're kinda in the same boat in that sense because the reason I'm feeling like this is a few different things out of my comfort zone are compounding. Other than what you already do naturally to help, probably the best way is just be a bit more vigilant than we usually are that this might increase my risk of seizures because I'm stressed and rundown. Not to the point you're stressing and no sleeping yourself. You're recovering, you need rest. Promise to let Evan, Christian and Nana help if it comes to that? Only because I know you. If you're feeling insecure, you'll think you need to double down on proving you're capable. We both need a bit more help right now. Are we on the same page with that?" Jesse was holding his gaze so intently and that in itself told Jesse that his husband's mind needed more time and space to process everything in general after he had been sick. Sometimes, they needed to repeat things a few times until Jace calmed down and processed that he didn't need to be in fight or flight mode. "Will it help if I read you some information about compassion fatigue later? What's worrying you the most? I can see it's something."

Jace didn't know if he should say it but he knew Jesse would know he wasn't being upfront and open if he denied it was anything. His face always gave him away, he couldn't help it, and Jesse knew how to read him better than anyone. Even better than himself. He was an unreliable narrator to himself when he couldn't always identify what he was feeling. Somehow, though, Jesse just knew. It was like a sixth sense and how Jesse had been so easy to trust in those early days when they fell hard for each other. "To be fair, sometimes I do need to prove I'm capable. You all just don't always realise that's how some of this stuff makes me feel. Sometimes, I'd rather just be left to do something I might pretty obviously fail at than have the option taken out of my hands entirely before I can even try." Wow, that admission kind of came out of nowhere for him and he was thinking it and expressing it before his brain could confuse him with it. He knew his family didn't mean to hurt him when they were taking over things to try to protect him but it did hurt him and this was the first time he had been able to verbalise that specific feeling. And then, while he still had a little courage, "Are you at risk of hurting yourself? Intentionally, I mean. Or worse. That's the help I'm trying ask if you need. Not bubble baths and cuddles. Because other times, I know there's things I'm not capable of handling."

Jesse shook his head and brushed his hands up and down Jace's arms. "No, that's not what I'm experiencing, darlin', but I'm glad you asked. Not everyone would think to. I've only felt like that once in my life and it was during and immediately after the conversion therapy. You were right in asking because I'm not myself. I'm sorry for the times I've made you feel like you have to prove you're capable. I've never thought that. I've only ever been concerned you're overtaxed when you're struggling with functioning levels and I'm trying to prevent you getting hurt. Being a carer for someone isn't a profession and it's not foolproof. I make mistakes and get it wrong sometimes, a lot of the time because I want you to retain as much agency and independence as you can. I know how important that is for you. If I'm doing or saying anything that makes you feel like that, just tell me. Call me out on it. The same would go for Evan, Nana, Christian, your family. All of us. If we're encroaching on that agency, just let us know. Okay? Some days, it isn't easy for us to tell if your functioning is skewy or you're just having a tougher day and I know I'm guilty of just trying to help so you don't have to be reminded you need the help by me asking. Would you prefer me to ask? You're not going to offend me if you say you do. We've always communicated these things well with each other. I always want you to tell me what you need and I'll do everything I can to respect that. I love you. I'm sorry I've contributed to you feeling that way."

"Jess, please don't do that..." Jace murmured, shaking his head sadly. "You keep putting blame on yourself but I'm not looking for blame to be anywhere, especially not on you, baby. I'm getting this sense you're feeling guilty and like you're putting us out not feeling well. It's true, you're a rock for all of us. You just... hold it all together when things go to shit and you're unconditionally there for all of us, no questions asked. Any time of day or night, literally. You went to Merlin in the middle of the night when Brandon called and they both needed you. You always step up. You don't need to apologise. All I'm doing is trying to figure out how I can help you, you don't need to justify any of it. Those things you think are mistakes, they've never been fucking mistakes because there's no right or wrong way with my shit. I know that. It's different every day and that's got to be exhausting. Please don't stop being you or doing you however you need to. Because you're perfect. But you're burnt out and I see that now. I'm just glad we're talking, that's all. Bath, yeah? You can't go wrong with bubbles and naked, right?"

Biting his lip, Jesse briefly lowered his gaze to his shoes because Jace just gently called him out on exactly what he was feeling, though it was in a complicated way that he hadn't recognised until Jace said it. He didn't want to put anyone out by not feeling so hot, he wanted to be okay to help. Before Jace could turn to head inside for the bath, he took both of Jace's hands, stroking his thumbs over his knuckles. "I don't see taking care of you as nursing. I see it as just being your husband. I just needed you to know that, darlin'. That's why I got defensive, it felt like maybe I was failing at that in some way. Being your husband will never be a burden. There's nothing I'd ever not do for you. Even on your worst days, you're the most beautiful thing in the world to me and the only reason that caring for you drains me sometimes is because fearing losing you is the most difficult thing I've ever had to face in my life and it feels like I'm fighting a physical battle any time you're really ill and can't come out of your seizure episodes quickly. I have to go into like an autopilot mode to care for you otherwise I'd be crippled with terror. Then when you start to come through it, the relief is incredible and there's no way I'm leaving your side until you're back to feeling yourself, and I don't care how much that wipes me out, I'll never stop doing it. And I'll never be sorry for it."

As he listened, Jace was softly brushing his hands up and down Jesse's arms and listened to whatever Jesse needed to say. He knew those standards his husband held himself up to and sometimes, it was at the expense of his own health. Case in point. He hated that Jesse was so upset and that this conversation had pushed him there but what they were talking about was probably really needed before it simmered over and they ended up having arguments. They hardly ever argued or fought. Jace couldn't even remember the times they had, they were so few. But he got that glimpse that Jesse was emotionally frayed and sensitive, he could get snappy without meaning it and neither of them ever wanted that. It was why Jace hated so much hearing that he hadn't been himself after his seizures. It made him feel like he had no control over himself but when he was sick like that, he didn't. "Everything you just said, baby, is what I need with you too. You get that, yeah? If you don't, I need you to try. You default as being my carer and that's okay. You are. But you have to let me reciprocate it. Your epilepsy can be just as serious as mine. Your seizures are terrifying. I'm always scared you might bang your head too hard one day and that's it." He slid his hand into Jesse's again and led him back inside, grabbing the bag with their leftover dinner to bring with them, stopping briefly to put it in the fridge. Once in their room, he closed the door behind them. "Let me give you the TLC you really need. I promise, that's not a euphemism for sex, either. I know you're too exhausted. I mean legit TLC."

"I do get it, darlin'. I'm sorry I got short with you and made you feel like I was minimising the importance of that. Nevertheless, I'll still try to make sure I don't forget it. It's not lost on me that you're going to be concerned me feeling like this puts me at risk of seizures. Can't say I'd be opposed to sex. It can be nice on the days you're not feeling 100% yourself. Just not sure I'd have the energy for anything too strenuous." Jesse let Jace guide him through the large apartment to their own wing, which was basically a self-contained apartment with everything save for a kitchen. They shared the place with Evan and Christian, a compromise knowing there would be times they might both need care and support with their illnesses simultaneously. It had always worked well because Evan and Christian - both doctors at the hospital - worked long and chaotic shifts, so a lot of the time, it wasn't that far off having a place of their own. They were there to offer help whenever it was needed but they lived their own lives together. It also turned out to be a handy arrangement when Evan returned from Doctors Without Borders sick as a dog from a malaria infection that led to him needing further medical investigations which left him with a diagnosis of Crohn's Disease. Even with all that, Jace wanted to help take care of his big brother, so there were a lot of benefits. "It's been awhile since I had a bad seizure, though, touch wood. This medication regime seems to have been the best I've been on. But stress is a trigger, I know. So is not sleeping or eating well. It's manageable but I promise I'll tell you if I feel worse and I'll hold myself to the promise to get a checkup with the doctor."

Jace brought Jesse's hand up to his lips and kissed his fingers. "Maybe later, baby. Bath first and then I think you really should get an early night. You need rest and I'm not going to help you if I keep making you feel like you need to keep apologising." He took Jesse's phone out of his pocket, placing it in his hand. "I'll start running the bath while you log on to the app and make an appointment with the doctor. I'll feel better if I know you've got the appointment. Yes, I'm being a nagging husband, but hopefully in the nicest way possible because I know that's now how we work in our marriage. Or I can make it for you if you want me to." He gave Jesse a kiss and then put the plug in the bath, starting the taps running. When he moved back to Jesse to start unbuttoning his shirt for him, he realised even he was feeling fatigued after the brief but intense - for them - chat over dinner. Not because of the subject matter but because stress took it out of him too and he worried now Jesse might be at risk of a seizure. The problem with Jesse's type of epilepsy was he didn't really get much warning. Barely seconds and even then, he might not always be able to raise a warning that it was happening. He probably wouldn't sleep the best that night, worrying Jesse might have a bad one in his sleep. That was part of why he was trying to help get him to switch off and relax a bit, hopefully it might reduce the risk. "Have you ever felt like this before? I mean, this level of it? I've seen you stressed and of course, I've seen you exhausted from work but I just want to understand as much as I can, so I know if it happens again down the track. You're really not yourself, though, so I think I'll know. I'm not asking for me, it's so I hopefully don't misread things again next time. I feel bad about that. I'm sorry, beautiful. You want the vanilla raspberry bubbles or the coconut and almond?"

"Something a lil' similar back in SC before I came to New York but it was when I was trying to get back to full-time work after time off after the conversion therapy hell. I actually stayed with the Larsons for a couple of months because I couldn't face my parents. Every time I tried, I'd feel physically sick and get panicky. I had this ongoing concern that my patients would guess I was gay and not want me caring for them. So, similar physical and emotional feelings but different root causes." Jesse navigated to the portal to make an appointment with their doctor, who was Reecy's dad, Walker. The was a couple of spaces for the day after tomorrow, so he selected the first one and booked the appointment, showing Jace the screen once the confirmation popped up. Then he put his phone down by the sink and tucked his hands under the hem of Jace's shirt, coaxing him to lift his arms so he could slip it off him. "I think the vanilla raspberry sounds nice, darlin'. Okay, um... you know those few days after you've had a couple of seizures? Not immediately after it but when your head's starting to clear again but you're feeling really wiped out and still a bit shaky and emotional, maybe even kinda moody because it takes a lot outta you? It's not unlike that. It's like it's hard to get back on top of yourself and everything's just a bit hazy. I really shouldn't have accidentally taken it out on you. I don't always recognise so easily when I need a time out and it's easy to forget I have an illness to, when I have a long run without seizures. Touch wood. Let's not jinx that. I love you so much, you know that?" he murmured, unbuckling Jace's belt.

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"I'm locked in your eyes, I love our quality time."

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