"I want you to see me, 'cause we're running out of time."

[artsdesire]

Who: Nick Matheson and Jeff Hinton
What: Last chance
Where: Nick's new apartment
When: Sunday night

Nick was tired when the text messaging with Jeff had started. He had been up a few nights with Harry having the stomach bug because he wasn't going to let his little brother be up alone feeling sick like that. He had been on hand with wet cloths and drinks of water, making sure he had a quick bolt to the bathroom if he needed it, or cleaning out the bucket if he was sick while he was in bed. It just part of his duty bringing Harry here to stay with him.

Harry still wasn't feeling completely well. This was obvious when he had laid down on the sofa after trying to work on his audition piece because his stomach was upset all over again. Nick put the bucket next to him just in case, but he had fallen asleep soon after. Nick dimmed the lights in the living room area of his new apartment, turned the sound down on the TV, and tucked a blanket around Harry. He would get him up later to go to bed, but at least now he wasn't trying to think about doing ten different things at once and he was resting as he should be.

When the buzzer went, Nick went to answer the door and let Jeff in. He already made tea and it was sitting in the teapot at the dining table brewing. He needed tea to make it through this conversation. "Harry fell asleep. We'll just need to go through there to talk and keep our voices down a little," he said gesturing towards the large kitchen and dining area. It was a big enough room to not disrupt his little brother sleeping. Nick was really ready to just sit down and figure this whole thing out. He ended one bad relationship when he was overseas, he didn't want to keep trying to make another one work if it was a lost cause.

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[lastfirstkiss]

On the train and then bus on the way over, Jeff had spent most of his time thinking. In fact, he'd been thinking so hard that he'd very nearly missed the bus stop closest to Nick's new place, and the bus driver had rolled his eyes at him when he made a wild dash for the exit at the last minute. When he arrived at Nick's door, Jeff had to be impressed with the new apartment. It was gorgeous, and he knew that if he'd been behaving like a boyfriend, he probably would've already been here to see the place, probably even slept over a few nights already, getting to know Harry, and all the other things that a real boyfriend got to do... that you missed out on when you'd been a sorry excuse for a person someone had been on a date with. It had never even gotten close to being a boyfriend.

When he came inside, he gave Nick a small nod of understanding. He knew that Harry wasn't feeling well, and he certainly didn't want to wake Nick's baby brother if he was resting. He quietly followed Nick to the dining area where there was a pot of tea on, and took a seat, looking across the table in wait for Nick to sit down, too. "I'm really glad that we're sitting down together to have this talk," Jeff said, his tone low so as not to disturb Harry. "Although, I kind of hate that it got this far." He paused, giving Nick a brief smile. "The apartment's beautiful."

[artsdesire]

Nick was pretty sure Harry would always feel like a little kid to him. He was ten years old when Harry was born and he thought he was the most amazing little thing. That had never changed. Harry had continually been an amazing kid, and now he was becoming a young man with ridiculous amounts of talent, ambition and dedication. It was why Nick wanted blood when he heard about Tommy and his pals hurting Harry. He knew Harry had fallen for Tommy, and it seemed it had been reciprocal until Tommy got scared of coming out. Nick respected that and understood. For a 15 year old kid with fears, it would be a terrifying time. Some kids managed it, many didn't. He still didn't think that gave any kid the right to hurt his baby brother and take it further by condoning his friends being actively and publicly cruel to Harry on Facebook. He did think a lot of that stress had contributed to Harry falling ill. It was his job now to make sure he rested and got back on his feet beyond clearly suffering stress.

He poured the tea for both of them, and then added some sweetener and milk to his own. "I am too. At least this way if you try to piss off out of the conversation, I can staple your hands to the table," he said and gave Jeff a small smirk. May as well joke about it, despite how much he had been hurt by it. You should be feeling a whole lot of nice in the early days of trying to make a relationship get off the ground, not a whole lot of hurt. He wanted to talk about it, but this would be the last chance. "I'm glad everything went through smoothly with the place. Harry doesn't need to couch surf. He gets his own room and can hopefully chill out soon."

[lastfirstkiss]

There was no helping the snicker when Nick's joking threat came through. Jeff couldn't deny that he understood the frustration that Nick was going through. He was owed more than the half-assing that Jeff had been putting into the relationship so far, and there was no denying that much about this situation. Still, the fact that he had a sense of humor about things was giving Jeff a little bit of hope about the whole situation. That and the fact that they were here talking about it instead of Jeff being told quite firmly to go fuck himself -- which he knew full well he deserved. "Is there some secret about the Mafia and staples that I missed out on when I watched The Godfather and The Sopranos?" he asked jokingly. Maybe it was good to bring at least a bit of humor to things to lighten the mood a bit.

Jeff nodded understandingly. "It's a big shakeup for him as it is, but having to move from place to place until you guys got settled in would probably just shake him up that much more. I'm glad it settled quickly for you. I hope that he can soon get settled in at his new school and meet some cool people who don't pick on him. He doesn't deserve that. He seems like such a good kid." Jeff, too, added milk to his tea, and a bit of sugar. Nick wasn't the sort of guy who didn't allow other people to have sugar around him just because he was diabetic. He took a sip of the tea, the hot liquid warming him up inside, and looked across the table at Nick. "Let me just start by saying that I am truly sorry for how all of this started. I know apologies probably don't count for much, but when I do something wrong, I try to take responsibility for it and apologize. You don't deserve the way I treated you, and you certainly didn't deserve to be hurt by someone who's dating you in the early days of something."

[artsdesire]

"Oh, there is. But we only use it as an appetiser to the main course," Nick joked back. It was true, his family had Mafia connections from way back. It was a running joke with anyone who knew him. He was a really nice guy until he had a reason to be pissed off, and if he got pissed off, he made sure they knew it. Generally, he had the patience of a Saint, which you needed in his line of work but he wouldn't put up with shit either. Which is exactly why they were in this situation to start with. He had been open and honest with Jeff that he wouldn't put up with shit, which mean that if he copped shit, he was going to inevitably be pissed. Which he had been. Pissed and frustrated. He tried to pull the plug, but Jeff was relentless. Nick would give him this one last chance, but if the give and take didn't improve more, he would be 100% done.

He looked over where Harry was asleep. He had crashed out, but it was no wonder because his sleep had been interrupted too. Nick stepped right in with all the psuedo-parent things that would just be the norm if Harry wanted to stay. It was nice having his baby brother nearby. "If he gets into Joffrey, he'll stay. I know that for a fact. He's not a kid to look a gift horse in the mouth. He doesn't take anything for granted. Dance comes first for him." He met Jeff's gaze with a sigh. "I'll just be honest with you here. What went down with you just made me feel like we had zero chemistry. It wasn't something I wanted to sink my heart into. Wanting a relationship and functioning in one are two very different things. I had no doubt you wanted it. I just had little to convince me you could function in one. I didn't want to let you cockblock anything I could have with someone who potentially be my perfect match," he admitted with a shrug. "I'm not settling. I was raised to believe I never have to settle, and I won't. I need more, and I don't need it to feel like every tiny thing is like pulling teeth and unimportant."

[lastfirstkiss]

“Oh, jeez,” Jeff joked. “Is the main course the part where I sleep with the fishes in a pair of cement shoes? Or is putting the heads of dead animals in people’s beds more your style?” His blue eyes shone with humor, though the topic of conversation was eventually going to have to turn to a place where things were a lot more serious. The joking was nice, though. It lightened the mood, and honestly? It reminded Jeff of how things had felt when he and Nick had first spoken to each other. It was nice, and kind of relaxing, and Jeff couldn’t help but appreciate it for what it was. And maybe, that in itself, was a reminder of why it was so important to him that he didn’t fuck it up this time. He didn’t want to. It was the last thing he wanted to do. Nick was a special person, and the last thing he wanted was to lose him due to being a fucking loser.

“I’m sure he’s overwhelmed with the awesome of landing an audition for Joffrey. He’s really young, too, right? I hope he’s really proud of himself… if he’s even taken time to be proud of himself instead of just freaking out about his audition piece. That’s probably what I’d be doing.” He had to smile over at Harry, sleeping soundly on the couch. “Poor kid’s beat, huh?” But then the conversation was turning back to the reason for their being here, and Jeff knew it was time to face facts. If he let this drag out any longer, he was going to lose someone that he really didn’t want to lose, and he was determined not to let that happen. Not this time. “I understand that,” Jeff said. “I want you to know that I get it. I haven’t really been myself lately, and that’s not an excuse or anything. That’s just sort of the truth. Even my best friend was giving me major WTFage, because I’ve never been like this before. I really don’t know why it is, but I’ve gotten back on point with him, and I want more than anything to get things back on point with you, too. I know I haven’t done much to show that I can function in a relationship. I have in the past, and I can again. Granted, I know I didn’t do much to prove it. But I can assure you that I won’t let another chance pass me by without showing you the care and respect that anyone should be showing their boyfriend. I like you. A lot. And I want a relationship where you can feel that in the way that I treat you. I’m sorry that I didn’t show you that before. I won’t let you ever feel unwanted again. I promise you that."

[artsdesire]

Nick smirked. "You'll never know," he replied with faint amusement. The weight of the conversation was still very much with him. He didn't want to let any of this get side-tracked by banter or his patience would soon dwindle and he would quit on this last chance altogether. He didn't have a lot of patience left in this whole situation, so it was definitely necessary to ration it for now. The time for joking had passed. He stopped feeling so generous with his humour with Jeff. Humour came when there was a balance of everything else and there was comfort. Comfort wasn't what he could say he felt with Jeff. More like, apprehensive and wary to engage much anymore. Why engage when he was more likely to succeed in getting randomly slapped in the face with a dead fish than anything contributory to healthy romantic relationship?

"He turned fifteen about a month ago. Not that it's really a yardstick in the arts industry. Justin was fifteen when he scored the Footloose role based on raw talent. Harry's not just talented, he's dedicated and he works really hard. He's incredible to watch and Joffrey don't just hand over auditions to anyone who wants them. They ballet skill has to be high to make it that far, and it is with Harry. He just seems like an average teenager on the face of it. Put him on a dancefloor and he transforms. He was nearly cast as Billy Elliot on Broadway but Mom and Dad thought he was too young to uproot him at the time. They didn't want him to burn out too young when he wanted a career in ballet." Harry never tooted his own horn, though. Far from it. You had to sort of wheedle his credentials and achievements out of him because he was actually a shy kid in most situations. "A lot of time has passed, Jeff. None of this was an isolated incident. How am I supposed to just assume this is a turning point? I don't really give a fuck if you get it or if you want to prove anything. I'm sorry, but I just don't. The fucks are gone. I'm not even sure I have romantic feelings for you anymore. Maybe I did in the early days, but I don't know anymore. You don't water a plant, it dies. Same thing happens in relationships."

[lastfirstkiss]

The humor was quickly changed over for serious conversation, and Jeff had known that was coming. If they sat here and joked all night, they wouldn’t solve anything, or help to find a solution to any of the problems that were coming between them. Jeff wasn’t deluded to think that wasn’t important. If they just started back on a joking banter, it wasn’t going to bring them to a better understanding, and even if they did end up pursuing anything further after the fact, it would only turn up with problems all over again when the original issues weren’t worked through in the end. Jeff knew that glossing over issues wasn’t the way to deal with them, and ultimately, it wouldn’t lead anywhere but to more heartache. He’d hurt Nick already. That wasn’t something he wanted to get into the habit of. He wanted to be someone that Nick felt safe with… Someone who made him feel cared for. It wasn’t fair to keep trying to make this work if he was only going to continue to cause Nick more pain and heartache, and he flatly refused to do it, no matter what. If, at the end of this conversation, it came to the point that he knew he wasn’t going to be able to be what Nick needed, that would be it. He would walk away, because hurting him again wasn’t acceptable to Jeff.

“Age is nothing. Talent and hard work are everything. But it still says a lot that, at his age, he’s already put in the time, effort, and hard work to be good enough that Joffrey is calling him in for an audition. I’ve been a dancer most of my life, but ballet is above and beyond the level of anything I do. It takes a whole different level of work, dedication, and precision.” He was duly impressed with Harry as a young person in general, and with his skill as a dancer to be at the level of a Joffrey audition, even though he hadn’t actually seen him dance yet. But the main purpose for being here was talking about the two of them, not about Harry as a dancer. “I know why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. And I know that I’m totally responsible for how this went down. I take responsibility for it. I know that relationships don’t progress if you don’t pour into them. And I want to pour into this. I know that it doesn’t matter what I want right now, because I haven’t been anything like what I should’ve been. But if you’re willing to take one more step to me to see if there are any feelings left, I won’t let you down. And if the feelings aren’t there, I’ll walk away.”

[artsdesire]

Nick was just drinking his tea quietly while Jeff spoke. Maybe they weren't here to talk about Harry, but Harry was going to be a massive and constant part of Nick's life now. Nick was his guardian, his parents were entrusting him to step into the guardian role to make sure Harry was taken care of and protected here in New York. It was a big change, and things with life would shuffle around. It wasn't a bad change for Nick, however. He had felt stuck in a flat and mundane rut for a few months now, ever since he returned from his six months working overseas. He worked, and there was very little else to fill his life with. So, he worked more. He spent time with Dani and Benny, having Benny over a night a week to give Dani some chill time. He wanted to make sure he had an important part in Benny's life. He was a family person. Family was the most important thing in the world to him.

So, he didn't really respond to the part of the conversation about Harry. He just let that drop too because if they were going to figure out a way to rescue this shit, then that's what the focus should be. "I'd probably care more about what you wanted if you gave a shit about what I wanted," he finally said. The only time he had really put any sort of information out there about what he wanted in a relationship was when he was pissed the fuck off at Jeff and trying to shed this whole thing because he was fed up. It shouldn't have been like that. Those sorts of conversations should come organically, not out of frustration and anger because there was no give and take. "I don't know how willing I am for any of that, no. To be honest, before everything took a huge turn with Harry, I was actually considering moving to Italy permanently. I have a friend over there, and everything with them was a whole lot easier than it was with you... and they're in another country. So, are you worth taking the chance on? I don't know, Jeff. There's a lot of things I want that I've not had the chance to convey to you, and I'm pretty sure that's where the gaping, painful problem lies."

[lastfirstkiss]

When Nick started speaking, Jeff took his cup of tea, taking a few slow sips. It was still hot, but a really nice tea, and he always found tea to be a comforting thing. Not to mention, lower caffeine than coffee, which was a good thing given that too much caffeine could fuck Jeff up and leave him incapacitated with a migraine. He had those mostly under control, largely due to the fact that he'd cut back on things like caffeine and a few other things in his diet that tended to trigger migraines in a serious sort of way. He didn't want to rush this conversation, because it was far too important to him to risk fucking it up. He cared way too much about the outcome here to just keep rushing to the next stupid decision as he'd done before. Nick was a gorgeous guy, and this mattered way too much to him to ruin things anymore than he already had.

"I do care what you want," Jeff said honestly. "Again, I haven't exactly done the most amazing job at showing it, but your wants and needs do matter to me. I wish we'd been able to talk about them more before I fucked things up for us. I know that wishing for things that I don't have really doesn't make sense at this point, and I should probably just step aside and let the whole thing go. But I want to give you what you want and be what you need. And I'm sorry I didn't ask more about that before. The fact is, after everything that's happened, I may very well be nothing at all that you want. And if that's the case, that's okay. I can't fight you on that, and I don't want to, either. I know I've hurt you and pissed you off, and I don't want to keep adding to that. I'm sure you've had more than enough. You're a gorgeous person, Nick. And I want to get to know that gorgeous person better... including what you want and need." Maybe it was a last ditch effort, and maybe it was too little too late, but Jeff needed to at least try here.

[artsdesire]

Nick just shrugged with his nose scrunching up with a little skepticism here. He wasn't sure he was buying it. "Can I be honest here? All this necessary working through things and talking about everything, it's been a huge turn-off. It feels like hard work and it's not romantic. It's not really doing much at all for me. So, I don't really know what the answer is anymore. When I initially met you, sure, there was a spark there. It was interesting, it was fun. Now I look at you and I just see an epic fuck ton of complications and issues. I don't really see a very fun guy at all, so it's contrary to everything you've told me about yourself. I don't actually know you at all, and I can't work out if it's worth trying to get to know you or if, in another couple of weeks, we'll be right here back at square one and I've lost another couple of weeks I could be spending time with someone who rocks my world and I can have long, interesting conversations with or spend hours making love to."

He had some more of his tea then. "You know, seeing as we're being honest here and all." There was a sarcastic edge to those words, but Nick felt like he had a little entitlement here to put it bluntly what he was looking for. It hadn't just been hurt and anger, he had been legitimately turned off by Jeff's actions, or lack thereof. Without even the smallest bit of passion or romance, he was just bored. There had been plans for sex that hadn't come to fruition, so he was going to be honest about everything now. "Maybe everything hitting a giant brick wall just extinguished anything that might have been there in the early days."