dreamlikenewyork | "I will stand up for you no matter what you're going through..."

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"I will stand up for you no matter what you're going through..."

Who? Austin Watson-Shaw and Angel Shaw
What? Brothers need each other
When? Right after the text messages
Where? Mt. Sinai Oncology Unit

The text from Angel had scared the living fuck out of Austin. Tara was a friend of their family, having been Beau's supervisor when he was an intern, but Angel's text had said that he was waiting and he wouldn't leave until he got a chance to talk to Tara. An oncologist. Which had immediately set off warning bells in Austin's head. He had nearly lost his husband to cancer. This was something he didn't fuck with.

He'd run through the hallways of the hospital to the Oncology Ward where he found Angel sitting in one of the waiting room chairs looking like hell. He made his way to his brother immediately, worry written in every line of his face. "AJ?" he said softly, taking a seat next to his brother in another chair. "What's going on? Why are we at the hospital?"

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What was supposed to be a routine follow-up appointment had turned into a nightmare. It was no secret that Rosie had a really difficult pregnancy with the surrogacy, and the subsequent miscarriage had been an awful thing to go through. Rosie had bled so much and had been in a lot of pain, which is exactly why she had needed the follow-up. To make sure everything had gone back to normal. In between all that, however, Rosie hadn't really been feeling so hot. There had been some bleeding, which she had just assumed was normal after a miscarriage when her body was trying to get back to the way it should be, and there had been pain. Some days, she had just been going back to bed because she had pain in the stomach. Ultimately, that was what had Angel bringing her appointment from three months post-miscarriage up to two months. If Rosie could have something to help all this, then he wanted her to have it.

Now there was he was, sitting there waiting to meet with Tara. He had bitten off all his nails and spent most of the time trying to over-think everything because he needed Rosie to be in the absolute best hands possible, and anything that needed doing would be done in the best way possible. No holds or expenses barred. He had cried until he realised that wasn't helping the situation. It felt like he had been waiting there forever, but he had been warned that Tara could be quite some hours before she was out of surgery. That certainly didn't help the worries Angel was already having. "Rosie, she's... the scans she had today... they found small tumours on her ovaries. They won't know how bad they are until she has surgery."

There were times, as a twin, that you could feel your twin's pain. It wasn't exclusive to identical twins, either. Austin considered it to be a side effect of womb-sharing. He often teased Angel that there were no Vogues to leaf through in utero, so he'd had to get to know his twin instead. And the pain that Angel was feeling right now was crushing for Austin, which meant it would be even more so for Angel. There was no way of knowing what was causing it until Angel told him, but he was scared to death... Crushing pain associated with needing to talk to Tara was shaking Austin down to his soul.

Just by leading with Rosie's name, Angel had immediately set up an even deeper sense of pain in his twin, and Austin felt sure he was going to burst into tears if he didn't take deep breaths to keep that from happening. "AJ... What... Tumors? She..." He knew that this had to be hard for Angel to explain in the first place, and he didn't want to overload him with a game of twenty questions when he was clearly already struggling to take it all in. "AJ, I'm so sorry," Austin said softly. "Whatever it is, we're going to be here for you guys. I know I speak for Beau when I say that, too. We'll be beside you every step of the way, whether it's benign or malignant. But... This... This means that you guys won't get to have anymore kids," he realized, his eyes turning to his brother with concern. He knew what being a daddy meant to Angel, and that he and Rosie had both talked about having more kids down the road. But this would put an end to that right here and now. "Fuck." There were no words to say that would make this better, and Austin just shook his head and shifted to give his brother a hug.

Angel had already been tired starting this week out. Now that incredible exhaustion was setting in because the stress was increasing by the second. But he couldn't just go to bed this time. He couldn't do anything until he talked to Tara, and got the clearest picture of how all this had to play out. Did Rosie need the dramatic surgery that was indicated, or were there other options? Would she need chemo no matter what? Or would the surgery mean she could dodge that bullet? Was this the end of their babymaking road, or could they freeze her eggs, or whatever other way they helped being staring down a barrel like the one Rosie was?

There were tears starting to come because he was so worked up. How could he not be upset when he felt completely useless? He shook his head and wiped the tears away. "She's terrified to tell Beau. Because of his experience with cancer and everything he went through. And it wouldn't be just us not having anymore kids. She won't be able to get pregnant again at all. Which she's also worrying about. She hasn't said it, but I know what she's thinking. And it's okay, because I don't need more kids. We have Daisy. I just don't want to lose Rosie, and I can't... I-I... what if I lose her? I need her. Daisy needs her. The whole fucking world needs her."

Austin wished with all of his heart that he could tell his brother that everything would be okay... That he wasn't going to lose Rosie, and this would just be a bump in the road. But he couldn't. He'd watched his own husband battle cancer for way too long, and had very nearly lost him more than once. There had been nights that he'd lain awake, watching Beau sleep and hoping like hell that he'd still be breathing when Austin woke up in the morning. It was a real and terrifying thing to face with your other half, and Austin couldn't in good conscience feed his brother a line of bullshit.

His arm rested comfortingly around his twin's shoulders, and he squeezed gently to let Angel know he was here, and wasn't going anywhere. "Beau will want to know. And I know before it's all said and done, he will, but she doesn't need to be afraid to tell him. We didn't want to push for her to be our surrogate again as it is. What happened was too painful, and we were going to talk to you guys about it, but we didn't want to put either of you through that kind of pain again. We will do everything we can do to make sure she gets the best care possible. Tara's amazing, and if that's who you're going with, she will be in the absolute best hands possible. You know that as well as I do. I know there are no promises, but there's comfort in knowing she's in the hands of one of the best oncologists in the world."

Their family had been to hell and back, that was for sure. But Angel was feeling a sick inside right now unlike he had ever felt before. It was probably a result of the whole being blindsided thing. No one saw this coming, even had a mere iota of a thought that it could be a thing. Rosie was their rock, she was the glue that kept them all together when things were at their worst. She took care of Angel and Daisy like a boss, she had shouldered the weight of trying to be a surrogate when Beau and Austin wanted a baby of their own, she had even nursed Beau through some of his worst cancer days when Austin had to keep life ticking over while Beau was sick. She was the sunshine after the rain, the silver lining. This shouldn't he happening to her. All these thoughts just caused Angel to break down in some broken sobbing because it hurt so much.

Somehow, he didn't know how, he could manage to keep pulling back his composure despite the tears. God fucking help any paparazzi cunts if they tried to approach him like this. It wouldn't be pretty. Cameras would probably be smashed and lawsuits would be inevitable. "She wants to have the full surgery. They take everything. The full hysterectomy, not just the ovaries because the cells could be spreading already. There are other stops before that, but she seems to want to just get the whole thing done because it's the safest bet. It means no more kids. I don't know... I didn't know if we would have more. We didn't get to that part of our lives. But sh-she... she was never going to carry the surrogacy to term. It's killing her to hear that. This caused the miscarriage."

News like this would never not be heartbreaking, and more than that, Austin would never not feel that much worse seeing his twin in pain of any kind. Angel was crying so hard, and Austin just held his brother, determined to comfort him in a time when maybe there really wasn't any true comfort to give. This was terrifying and hard, and Austin couldn't make it better any more than Angel had been able to when it had been Beau who was ill. They were a close knit family, and when one of them hurt, they all hurt together. Losing the baby hurt all of them, and Rosie's pain in the midst of it had hurt them all, too. Rosie had been the strong one for all of them. Now she was the one with the physical issue that needed the support of her loved ones. And just as always, she was the one looking out for everything else and worrying about everyone else.

"AJ," Austin said softly, his hand rubbing softly at Angel's shoulder. "Beau and I were heartbroken when she had the miscarriage. Yes, because of the baby, but more than that, because of the pain that Rosie was in. And as painful as it was for all of us, if that's how they found this before it got any worse, then we're going to just be glad to know what's going on now. It isn't Rosie's fault. I know it'll be hard for her to accept that, because she always puts everyone else ahead of herself. But whatever this is, we're going to find out sooner rather than later, because of what happened. It's not a sunshine and lollipops silver lining, AJ, but it's the one thing that came out of this that might save Rosie's life."

One thing Angel never saw coming was how much of an emotional rollercoaster the surrogacy thing would be. At first, though he took a little convincing, he thought it was a great idea and it made sense. Being human, though, he wasn't sure how he would feel seeing his fiancée (as she still was at the time) pregnant with his brother's baby. He also had concerns about how Rosie would be with the pregnancy because with Daisy, there had been some complications. In the early stages of the pregnancy, Rose had some bleeding and what they termed a 'threatened miscarriage' that didn't eventuate. Rose was sent home and ordered to rest and see if the symptoms settled. They did, but there was caution right up until Daisy was born. Being Rose's partner, Angel just had a different level of worry for her, and when all these fears began to come to fruition with the surrogacy, it was really tough for him to cope with. He wasn't sure he could face it again for another attempt, but now working that out was taken out of their hands.

"She just wanted so much to be able to help you. She's going to be feeling like she ruined your chances. She spoke so much about how you guys should be parents, and everyone should have a chance of trying it if it's what they really wanted. She wanted to be able to give you the thing you decided you both wanted when Beau was his most ill. Like sort of the celebratory award for getting through everything you did. It was so fucking important to her. And now it's just... gone." Angel was really upset. He hoped he wasn't rambling too much but he did want to now open the lines of communication with Beau and Austin about this whole thing, and take the onus of that off Rosie for now, because everything else was already too hard for her. "I-I feel like I've taken her for granted? Is that normal? Now everything is so precarious, I feel like we've run out of time. I haven't told her enough how much I love her, even if I do all the time. I want her to know that she and Daisy are my world. I thought I'd have her forever, and now I'm terrified I won't."

"What happened wasn't Rosie's fault," Austin said, his tone soft and comforting, because he knew Rosie, and he knew how she'd feel about this. Even with the reassurance that it wasn't her fault, she would still blame herself for what had happened. For her, there would always be the thought that she lost Austin and Beau's baby. That it was because of her body that the baby couldn't be carried to term. But it wasn't her fault. "If Beau and I decide to become parents, we'll go it another way. That's not the biggest concern right now. Our biggest concern is Rose and making sure that she gets the best care she can possibly have. Beau will be feeling the same way, too."

Austin's heart was breaking, because he knew precisely the questions Angel was asking himself from experience. "It is normal," Austin assured him. "I struggled with that same thing when I first heard Beau was sick again. Thinking I had wasted time that I should've been spending telling him how much he meant to me... It's normal to think that you've taken her for granted, but you haven't, AJ. We all know that. There's not a single person in this world who looks at you and thinks you don't treasure your wife and baby. Rosie knows that better than any of us. You're never out of time as long as you're both breathing, AJ. You have to believe me on that. There are no pleasant platitudes to make something like possible cancer feel better. There is nothing good about this situation. Nothing except that, right now, you're both still here, and we haven't been given a death sentence. A scary possibility, absolutely, but not a death sentence." He shook his head, holding his twin close against his side, because this was a horrible situation for anyone to be in, and he couldn't for a minute imagine letting Angel and Rosie go through this alone. Not after everything with Beau. Not when they were his family.

Angel was tired, and he wasn't feeling well because he was so stressed out. Not that any of that would matter because not a fucking heard of rabid dinosaurs or a universal threat of a tsunami would have him move from that spot in the hospital right at that moment. This was what being a husband and father was about; putting your family above and beyond yourself, no questions asked. He would do whatever it took to get Rosie the best fucking care he could afford, and he could afford it. He would pull every string he had at his disposal, and Rosie would have the best doctors she could have. It was just the in between stuff that was hard and exhausting. He felt like he wasn't keeping it together at all, and he was worrying about all the worst case scenarios, or mentally making lists in his head of things he should do so Rosie wouldn't have to worry about them. She had always been the practical, organised one. He was the creative soul who could have his fingers in 20 different creative projects at once. That didn't mean he didn't contribute. He liked to cook, he had his turn making Daisy's fresh baby food, and he did the laundry and the housework. It was just that Rosie was the one who knew what needed to be done. He was a typical man, he worked better on the domestic stuff with instructions. "It'll happen for you guys. I know it will. I just know Rosie wishes she could've been the one to help. It's going to be awhile before she is at peace with that side of things. She's a mommy, it's just how she is."

He had to get up to go over to the watercooler to get a cup of water. His stomach was churning, but he knew it was just part and parcel with this. If you didn't lose your shit when the love of your life was sick and in pain, facing a scare like this, you weren't human. His hands were shaking when he came back and sipped the cold water. "It's not supposed to be a death sentence, but that doesn't mean there aren't risks it could be. There could be complications with the surgery, high risk of infection after it, the cancer might get worse if it turns out she has it. They taking out parts of her body that are fundamental to her being a woman. It's not just having her appendix out or repairing a torn shoulder. The operation is massive."

"In a perfect world, Rosie would've been the one to carry our baby for us, to full term, with an easy delivery," Austin replied with a small nod of understanding. "I know she wishes she could've been the one to carry our baby, but if we do this and we end up being parents, Rosie will still be a huge part of that. She's going to be the first woman our son or daughter knows as a role model. People say gay parents prevent kids from having role models of both genders, but that couldn't be further from the truth in our family." He nodded, understanding that this wouldn't just be as easy as telling Rosie that losing the baby and her not being able to try again for them was just no biggie, and everything would be totally fine. He and Beau would never hold it against her, but she'd hold it against herself, and Austin knew that. It would take time for them to move past that hurdle. "We don't expect it to be an easy thing for her to take in," Austin said quietly. He couldn't remember now when he'd stopped referring to himself as much as he referred to a we... and maybe there never really had been a time when Austin's decisions were based solely on himself. He was a we from conception, sharing the womb with his twin, and Angel's presence had always been a deciding factor in his life. Then he'd become part of a we with Beau, and a we that involved Beau, Angel, and Rosie. But ultimately, it was very much a "we" situation. They were all in it together, no matter what that meant for them.

Austin was fretting, and he wasn't trying to, but the fear and nervous energy from his own concerns was amplified by the ability to feel Angel's, too, and he was on edge more than he wanted to be here. "There are always risks with medical procedures," Austin agreed, as hard as it was to say out loud. "It's scary, and I wish I could promise you that you'll be fine the day of. I wasn't. I wasn't fine at all, through any of the procedures or treatments Beau had. But you make it through them with this strength you don't even recognize. I mostly think it's adrenaline. It's the only thing that makes sense. But AJ, we're going to get through this together. Rosie's going to be in the best possible hands with Tara, and you can be sure that any risks will be absolutely as minimal as possible with Tara on the case. She saved my husband's life. I'd trust her with anyone I love. But you're right. It's a huge op. It's a scary one, and it means that your whole lives... a lot of the things you've taken for granted, won't be there anymore. And trust me, I know that isn't easy."

The whole surrogacy thing had left Angel exhausted. He had agreed to it because he knew Rosie wanted it, and he did want Austin to have a child if that was what he and Beau wanted. But it had been extremely stressful for him to have had Rose exposed to that level of pain, and to see how hard the pregnancy had been on her. Now, perhaps, there was a reason why for all that, but it didn't make it any easier. He had been doubting very much whether he could have tried a second go with the IVF and surrogacy attempt, because he had now become so protective of Rose and didn't want to expose her to that all over again. But they just all hadn't had a chance to discuss it in length. It took Rose a little while to get back on her feet after it. Not physically, but emotionally. Now, he was beyond exhausted. He could feel the fatigue burning through his bones, hanging heavily in his head, making his head and eyes hurt. If this was any other time, he would be in bed and dead to the world. It just couldn't happen at the moment. He put the water down on the seat beside him and leaned over so he could nurse his head in his hands.

"It's too quick." He wasn't even sure what he meant by that, but it felt like it was all happening on fast-forward and his brain wasn't working to catch up. He didn't at all doubt that he could take for Daisy on his own, and he would do it unconditionally, but the thing upsetting him the most was that Rosie was the last person who deserved anything like this to be happening to her. She was so beautiful and selfless. She sacrificed things so she could help others. Hell, she had even stopped breastfeeding Daisy way too soon so that she could begin IVF treatments for Beau and Austin. Now what was all that worth? Nothing. She couldn't give them a baby, she couldn't have another baby for them either, and there would be an indefinite period of time that her mommy ability would be restricted. "She's got no time to understand this or adjust to it. It all has to happen now, and it's going to hit her later when she's weak, in pain, and upset again. I'm supposed to be protecting her from this stuff. I'm her husband."

Austin didn't know how much more their family could take, but he fucking well wasn't going to ask that out loud for fear it was tempting fate to try and find the answer to the question. This was Rosie. In the midst of everything that had happened in the relatively short time they'd all known each other, Rosie was their rock. She was solid. She held them all together when they were weak. When Beau was so sick with cancer that they thought he wasn't going to make it, when Angel was suffering from his CFS and could barely move from his bed, when Austin had been caring for his husband for so long that he was falling asleep mid-conversation... Rosie was there. She was the one making sure her boys were rested, making them coffee or tea when sleep wasn't an option. She was the one keeping them going when they were 100% sure they couldn't take one more step. And she was the one making sure that they did rest when they could. Rosie was that person for all of them, and Austin was grateful. He hadn't taken her for granted in the sense of not being grateful to have her in their lives, but he'd definitely sort of taken it for granted that she would always be there for them, and this revelation was shaking him down to his soul.

Angel's soft protest that it was too quick wasn't contested by Austin. He could understand that feeling. He'd felt it himself when the shoe was on the other foot. He remembered having this conversation with his brother when Beau's cancer came back, and being so fucking terrified that he was going to lose his husband. It wasn't an easy fear to face. The loss of a spouse was one of the most awful things that Austin could imagine, and finding out that your other half had, or even could have, cancer was never something you could just shrug off. It was always too fast. It always hurt too fucking much, and you couldn't begin to be prepared for it. His hand was firmly resting on his brother's back when he finally spoke. "AJ," he murmured softly. "You can't protect her from this. Trust me, I know how bad you want to. She is the love of your life, and you would cut your own balls off to spare her a moment of pain. You can't. You can't stop this from happening to her, no matter what. But you will be there when it's all said and done. When she's weak, in pain, and upset, and this all comes crashing down on her, you're going to be the one she leans on... You're going to be the one she needs. Remember when you told me that being strong for Beau was all well and good, but I had to let him see how broken I was, too? That applies here, too, Angel. She's your wife. She will rely on you to love her, and let her know that it's okay not to be okay. And I know it's not a task anyone should be facing ever, but you're up to it. Because you do love her, and you would do anything to protect her."

There was a little voice at the back of Angel's head telling him that this could be worse. It really could be worse. They might not have found out for weeks, or even months, and been giving a terminal diagnosis when it was all too late. They had time, they had solutions, they had hope. They did the right thing getting Rosie medical attention as soon as they realised none of this was right and she wasn't getting better. In a way, that little voice was helping, but he was still upset and hurting. When he met Rosie, his whole world changed for the better. He had been thinking he had everything he ever wanted, and was content and blessed to have a thriving career doing exactly what he loved. Then when he met her, he realised all along there had been a place inside him just waiting for her. It was like he had loved her before he even met her, and it was why he couldn't look away from her the moment his eyes laid on her. He spoiled her and wined and dined her, but how could he not? He wanted to spend all the time in the world with her, and the sexual chemistry had been sparking. He never looked back, never had a single doubt. Some days, it still felt like a fairy tale that she agreed to marry him, had his baby, and was now his wife.

"She knows," he said quietly. Not because he was ashamed, but because Rose was one of those people who just inherently knew when someone wasn't okay. She had been talking briefly on and off lately about thinking of med school and Angel had encouraged her, told her she would be an amazing doctor if that was what she wanted to do. He would support her all the way. This just seemed like a cruel and awful joke. He wished it was, because then it wouldn't be real. "She always knows when I'm not okay. She knows even before I do. She's worried more about Daisy and me than she is herself, because that's just what she does. She will be worrying about us, and her family, and her friends, all before herself. That's just how Rosie is. She stopped breastfeeding Daisy so she could start the IVF process for the surrogacy because she knew it was what you and Beau wanted. It's just Rosie, and it's why none of this should be happening to her. Anyone but her. Fuck, why isn't it me and not her?"

Maybe it could be worse. But the threat of cancer, and the need to give up a very fundamental part of your body to avoid having it kill you were still pretty fucking bad. There was always the possibility of chemo or radiation, and Austin had been through chemo with Beau. It wasn't for the faint of heart. Not that his sister-in-law and brother were that. They were the farthest thing Austin could imagine from faint of heart. But that didn't change the fact that this whole thing was going to hurt them more than he could possibly imagine, no matter how far it went. Whether it was surgery, or surgery followed by chemo, it would still be incredibly hard. No doubt Beau and Austin would help as much as they could, but Beau was still weak, and Austin knew Rose and Angel well enough to know it would be hard for them to ask for the help, too. Not that they didn't all help each other out as much as they could, but this would be having to ask a lot more than they probably wanted to... Even if both of them had helped Austin nurse his husband through leukemia that nearly ended his life. Austin was pretty sure that nothing in the world Angel and Rosie would ask of them would they deny.

"It's why she's such a beautiful person, inside and out," Austin said softly, giving his brother's shoulder a comforting rub... though he knew there was little comfort in any of this. Just pain with more pain and a side of pain. "We'd all be lost without her, AJ. And as sweet and unassuming a person as she is, she still knows that. She'll fight for you and for Daisy... and she'll fight for me and Beau and for her brothers and sisters. She'll know how much we hurt for her, and it'll drive her that much more. Trust me, I know that's no guarantee of anything, but I know how strong Rosie is, and what she's got to fight for. At the end of the day, we're all going to be here, supporting and loving her as much as we possibly can, no matter what. And we'll be here for you, too, AJ." He didn't have an answer to that. He knew without a doubt that he'd be just as brokenhearted right now if it were Angel facing this diagnosis instead of Rosie, so he just shook his head. "I only wish we had the answers to questions like those," he said, shaking his head.

"I've never felt like I deserved her. I'm glad she wants me when she could have made so many other potential partners happy. But she was always out of my league. She laughed when I said that. Laughed when I wrote a song about it. She doesn't believe it. She thinks it's the other way around, and she always tried to correct me. It's got nothing to do with money or status. With her, none of that has ever been a thing. She made my world feel like a better place just for coming into it and letting me spend time with her. All my writing and music, it has been about a hundred times better than it ever was before I met her. It's never stopped feeling like I could get enough of her. I start each day thinking about her, and holding her is one of the first things I want to do every day. In a whole stadium of fans, she is the only one who can light up the room for me. I never, in a million fucking years, believed love like that existed. I knew all stereotypes and what needed to be in love songs, but then suddenly all the love songs made sense. Do you think I ever believed she would actually marry me? I didn't. Not for a minute. I hoped, and I wished it. But she has always seemed too good to be true for me. Maybe she was like an angel on timeshare, and I just... just never expected that to actually be a thing," Angel said, getting choked up again as he tried to talk things out here. He was trying to make sense of what was going on in his head. All the things he felt in his heart, but not even his wedding vows had enough capacity to hold it all.

He was coiled up with distress inside. He felt useless, and at a loss. All the money in the world, all the lavish gifts, the bells and whistles of stardom, landing in the celebrity pages or clothing, it couldn't buy Rosie's health. Angel could throw his entire fortune at the best doctors in the world, and it still couldn't stop this. It couldn't stop Rosie's pain, it couldn't stop the sick, cold feeling of dread inside his stomach that there was a chance Daisy might lose her mommy. "I can't do anything to help her. I can't do anything..." Maybe there were small logistical things he would do automatically. He would care for Daisy, he would do the laundry, he would go grocery shopping, he would take over all the things Rosie did as a wife and a mother, but all the things he wanted to be able to to do, he was completely useless for.

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"I will stand up for you no matter what you're going through..."

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