dreamlikenewyork | "Last chance, honey..."

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"Last chance, honey..."

Who? Jude Willis and Reecy Chester
What? Give me just one more chance
When? After Lorenzo's text, late evening
Where? Reecy's apartment

Jude knew that this was a last chance thing, without a doubt. If he didn't get this right with Reecy now, he'd lose her forever, and with damn good reason. In the end, they didn't know each other all that well, but Jude knew that she was an amazing person, and one deserving of being treated like a princess, not like an afterthought. It wasn't fair to expect her to accept sub-par treatment from him, and if he were honest, that wasn't what Jude wanted to give her either. He wanted her to feel special and amazing... things she really was and the things that Jude had been attracted to in the first place.

So he'd stopped at one of his favorite restaurants and ordered enough food for two before picking up a small bouquet of daisies, and then heading to Reecy's apartment. He remembered where it was from having stopped by there to grab her an extra change of clothes when she'd stayed with them after the abortion. And as soon as she opened the door, Jude was speaking, knowing that there was a very valid part of her that might want to close it in his face. "Reecy, I know I have fucked up royally a million times over, and I know you probably want to slam that door in my face right now, but all I'm asking is a little time to talk... I brought food and flowers, and I realized when I was buying them that I don't know yet what your favorite flowers and foods are, and I want to know all of that. You're a special person, Reecy, and I want to make you feel that way. I know I don't deserve another chance, and I wouldn't fault you for telling me to go fuck myself. All I'm asking is for this one last chance, and if you're still feeling like it's not the right thing, I'll bow out. It's up to you."

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"I'm not hungry," Reecy cut in bluntly when he referenced the food. She wasn't just going to bend and twist to play along whenever he felt like he wanted to pick up the bat and play a bit. "Oh, fuck you, Jude. No. Seriously. Fuck you. You have done absolutely nothing to prove to me that this isn't all just talk and tomorrow you'll wake up and be too wrapped up in yourself to keep any of this going. Then I might get a text message in five days time when you want to get your finger out your ass again. What is this? Did Clint or Lorenzo tell you I've been in touch with Shane again and this is some sort of pissing contest all of a sudden so he doesn't get me? I am pissed off that I'm still pissed off at you. Listen to yourself! It's not fucking 'up to me'. Don't keep pulling that shit on me. Just stop it."

She wanted to slam the door in his face. Then she wanted to open it and slam it again. Then she just sighed and gave an exhausted shake of her head because it had been emotionally taxing visiting Justin. "I want a man who wants to stand up and fucking fight for me. I'm starting to wonder if you've heard a single thing out of my mouth. That's why it's not 'up to me'. I shouldn't even need to explain this. We've done too much fucking talking, Jude. I'm tired of talking to you because it's just around and around and around in circles before it just hits another brick wall and I always seem to be the one limping away hurt. And yet, here we are, back to you standing there shoving it all back on me and telling me you want to 'talk' again. None of our 'talks' lead any-fucking-where. Why am I supposed to believe this is different?"

It actually took a little bit of focus for Jude to keep his hands from shaking here, because he was so nervous it almost physically hurt. He had to focus on the words she was saying because his heart was pounding so hard he could hear it in his ears. And she was right. He hadn't given her a reason to believe him. Not after he'd disappeared, lost in his own problems and hurt too much to even bother thinking about what she needed, but this was his last chance, and he was going to do the best he could here, whatever that took. "I know I haven't done anything to prove it," he agreed, taking her words to heart. "Trust me, I know. But fuck me, Reecy, I'm here right now because I want to change that. I'm here because I want to get to know you and I want to show you the real me, too. You said before that you felt like there were a bunch of different Judes, and you didn't know which one I really was. I'm not going to let that keep happening. I know this is all words right now, as far as you can see, and I don't blame you for being cynical and pissed off at me. I deserve it. I had feelings for you, and everyone heard about it before you. I can't change that or take it back, even though I wish I could, but what I can do is be here. Right now. I'm not going to lie to you. I do know about Shane, but this isn't a pissing contest. This is just me wanting to at least let you see who I really am and who I want to be before I bow out. I want to fight for you, Reecy. You want someone to hold you when everything hurts, and I want to be that person, because I know everything hurts right now. I know that my brother is one of your best friends, and it's killing you watching him be sick. I know that what you went through being pregnant and having the abortion had to have been the hardest thing you've ever been through, and then I didn't make that any better because I was confusing you... I was confused, and I let my confusion spread to you instead of holding it in check."

He met her gaze, taking a deep breath to calm himself. His fingers were holding so tightly to the stems of the flowers that he felt sure he was going to snap them in half, and he was so on edge that he was pretty sure he felt like crying. It wasn't anger. It was nerves, and the desperate desire to get it right this time. "I'm not going to lie to you and say I'm not confused anymore... But going through being confused is hard enough... Going through it alone is hell. You shouldn't go through it alone. I don't want you to, and I know you don't want to, either." He wanted to hug her and cry his eyes out right now, but that seriously wouldn't be a good look... especially not after Clint had called him a pussy. "I don't just want to talk, Reecy. I want to know what you want and need so I can do it for you. You deserve so much more than I've been giving you, and like I said, I don't blame you for getting fed up with everything I've said and done. You had every right to be pissed off. And I know that it might be too little too late, but I couldn't just walk away without one more chance to try."

Reecy listened. She always listened. She listened and observed. She had always been a good judge of character, which had also made her prone to acting before thinking. That's what had happened when she pounced on Paul in that nightclub and decked him. She still didn't regret that one bit. The only thing she did regret was not killing him to stop him going on to hurt more people and treat them like his personal little fuck toys for his own gain. But here, nothing felt like it was connecting. It was like her heart was some sort of shit broken wifi connection that she couldn't kickstart no matter how many times she unplugged the bastard and plugged it back in. There might have been feelings for Jude at some point in this whole mess, but they had been overshadowed by everything else he was throwing at her that she had come not to recognise what they really were anymore. She didn't know what the fuck she was supposed to do anymore.

"I slept with Shane," she was soon telling him. The words were flat and tired. But she wasn't going to lie to him. She wasn't going to conceal or cover anything up because she didn't regret it. In fact, what she had needed more than anything at that point was to be held, comforted, loved, protected, and Shane had given that to her. In return, she had given it to him. None of that, not even for a second, had she felt like Jude could offer her or even wanted to consider with her. "You know why you didn't make any of that better for me? Because it was all about your own problems and how much you were hurting. How you had to forcibly pep talk yourself into giving me an inch but staying in your mile. You want to know the first thing that came out Shane's mouth when we met up? 'I get to hear about how you've really been in return. Tit-for-tat. It's only fair.' He knew something was wrong just by looking at me. His pain and my pain were on an even playing field. He made me feel that even though he was going through a tough time himself, he could still hold me and comfort me because then were together in it as a team. I wanted and I needed that comfort... and you have no idea if you're capable of giving it to me."

If he were being honest, Jude had braced himself to hear that when he'd come here tonight. Clint had already told him it was a possibility, and Jude wasn't naive or entitled enough to think that he had any say whatsoever in what Reecy did with her life. They weren't dating, and he'd given her no real reason to want to date him, either. Maybe this whole effort was too little too late, but Jude wasn't giving up until it was perfectly clear that there wasn't a chance for anything else. This meant too fucking much to him to just step away like he didn't care. He knew he'd blown more chances than most people ever even got. It was fair... more than fair, really... that Reecy couldn't trust in what he said or truly believe him. What he had to do now was prove that he meant what he said. And he had his work cut out for him with her next words.

"I can see why you would," Jude said, taking in everything she was saying, and nodding understandingly. He couldn't really be upset or angry, because what was he giving her to make her think he was a better option than Shane, who was apparently there for her when she truly needed him most. "From what I hear about him, he's an amazing person... a great guy, and he'd take good care of you. But looking back at how things have been lately, nothing in the world is easier to get through without somebody with you. Of course you wanted someone there holding you when it got to be too much. And I wasn't sure then if I could be what you needed, because I was wrapped up in my own hurt and pain. You reached out for the comfort you needed and you found it. I could tell you right now all the reasons I want to be with you, but that's not the point, really. The point is, I'm here because I care about you. I'm here because this has all been hell, and I honestly want to apologize for my part in that before I go any further. But it's not just an apology I'm here for. I'm here because I want to be. Because I want to be the kind of person you can come home to on the worst night of your life and know that you're going to have your need for love and comfort met. I'm capable. I was capable before I was hurt, and I'm capable now. What Paul did to me... It wasn't love or comfort or affection. I'm not going to let him take that away from me. I almost did... But I'm not going to."

"Then why does this all keep feeling like I'm some sort of social experiment for you? Why does everything always feel so forced? Why does it feel like I need to be X, Y, or Z for you to be able to pull yourself out of your own needs to glance at mine for awhile? I truly want to know why to all of this and why I keep feeling like this. Nothing feels natural or organic with it. I honestly feel like your just trying to squash your round peg self into a square hole because maybe you think I represent some big massive life change you think you need to be having because your brother got sick and you got raped. I just don't understand it, Jude. I'm sorry. But I keep feeling like there is nothing automatically working with us, and that's not the sort of relationship I have the energy to keep trying to make work," Reecy mumbled with a shake of her head, tucking her hair behind her ears.

The more he talked, the more it was sounding like this was all just going to be like some camera-ready experiment like when you dump a celebrity into the wilderness and watch how they survive for reality TV shits and giggles. "Jude, I don't want you to be just capable. I really need you to just stop and listen to what you're saying to me because it just keeps on this path of you having to make all the huge changes and sacrifices to be with me. No relationship should need that much ground work. There has to be a sheer element of naturalness that creates a sensation of just wanting to be near someone, be in their presence, keep them company, love them, do things with them. There's a whole lot of talking of you wanting to be this, or wanting to be capable of that. I listened the first time you said all this to me, but we're still here in this awkward mess. All of that, it should just... it should just be happening. It's not. I still feel like I have to tapdance naked across a tightrope over a volcano just to have you be something I need deep down inside. Which tells me that as we stand, I'm probably not what you need either, just because I'm the only option here to help you achieve all this stuff you want to be capable of. Can you not see how that is making me feel? Please, come back to me when you are all these things, not just 'wanting to be' them. Don't you think I deserve at least that much after everything?" she begged.

"I want to be with you," Jude said, softly, trying to make all of this make sense to her. He knew what he felt, what he wanted... He knew what she meant to him, and how much he wanted to be the person she trusted to take care of her when she was hurting. He knew every fucking thing that this was about, but he just didn't know how to put it into words in a way that made sense. It was frustrating. Jude wasn't stupid. Not at all. But there was something about his feelings for Reecy that he just couldn't seem to work out in words in a way that would make sense. At first, right after his assault, it had been true that the thought of touch had freaked him out, but he'd fought back with the help of a good counselor, and some good chats with good people. It was a work in progress, of course, because it wasn't like he could just be magically healed by the power of Reecy's pussy or something. But it was one he was dedicated to, and one he was determined to make work because he had fallen for her so hard.

She was making sense though. All he'd done so far was talk, and talk didn't mean a hell of a lot in this situation. She needed him to prove it to her, to show her that he had his shit together, and that he'd be the one to hold her when she needed to be held, comfort her when she needed to be comforted, and love her when she needed to be loved. Lewis and Renz had both told him if he was going to make this work, he was going to have to take his balls in hand and step it the fuck up. What he did next was either going to get him bitchslapped, or help to make his point, and he wasn't really sure which, but it was time for desperate times and desperate measures and all that shit. The bag that held the deli sandwiches he bought for them was dropped into the floor, totally forgotten, though the flowers he'd brought her (daisies because they were bright and happy, and she deserved some bright and happy in her life) remained grasped tightly in his hand, and without wasting another second, he stepped closer to her, one arm around her waist, and pulled her gently to him with a soft kiss to her lips. He wasn't being overly forceful here, because the last thing he wanted was for her to feel anything even close to what he felt being forced by Paul into something he didn't want. It might not have quite been rape if he'd forcefully kissed her right now, but it could well fall under sexual assault. But more than that, this wasn't about trying to get into her pants, or anything to do with sex really. It was about wanting her to know that, with the right people, he could still be comfortable with touch... with this kind of touch, that was an expression of deep care for someone.

Reecy was shocked and she actually froze because she was expecting him to stop and remember to push her away when the penny dropped what he was doing. Through this whole thing, probably one of the hardest things for her to cope with was that it felt like he thought she couldn't get it, or couldn't deal with it, or wasn't good enough to. Whilst all around them, there was Billy who had loved Ajay despite his issues and gave Ajay the ability to love him in return. There was Justin letting Will in to love him, and Will knowing that their relationship was just different to other teenagers. There was Lewis being beautiful and falling for Lorenzo despite the pain and despite the fact he was a single father, and Lorenzo letting Lewis into his life without any question. There were all these couples who still worked and had these beautiful things together despite the challenges and emotional struggles. And their love was beautiful and cherished and they worked through the tough bits. That never felt like it even had a chance with Jude to Reecy and because of that, she didn't feel there was a place in his life.

So, there were definitely mixed signals here. When the kiss ended she was looking up at him, because he had quite a bit of height on her. About a foot, give or take. She was looking up at him and met his gaze with a soft, "I don't feel like I'm allowed to touch you in return," she admitted honestly, which was evidenced in how she had kept her hands at her side and hadn't made any move to let her hands touch him like she would have if someone kissed her. There were more than just his issues at play here. There were her insecurities and feeling like she didn't belong anywhere in breathing distance of him after everything. "So, I don't know what's supposed to happen now."

"I want you to touch me," Jude murmured softly, his arm still gently wrapped around her waist. "I know I fucked it up before, Reecy. I know I didn't do any of this the right way, and I didn't make you feel like I wanted you near me or trusted you to be. But I want it. I know it's not the easiest thing for us, and it's starting off in a hard place, but I want all of those things you're talking about. I want you to touch me, and I want to kiss you and hold you. I don't want you to be afraid to be close to me, because I'm not afraid to be close to you." The hand that was wrapped around her waist moved up to cup her cheek softly, his thumb brushing against the soft skin there. "I want you to do all the things you'd want to do with someone you're with." And he did, too. He wasn't just saying that. He wanted to lie in bed with her at night, when everything hurt, and be the one place that she felt safest, and he wanted to find a safe place in her arms, too. He wanted to hold onto her with everything he had.

His hand dropped from her cheek to take her hand, and he held it very gently at first before raising it to rest it against his own chest, his own hand pressed softly to the back of hers. "I want all of these things, too, Reecy. We want the same things, you know? It hasn't been easy, but none of this is. For anyone. But we can do this, Reecy. We can." This time, steadied by the fact that he'd gotten past the mental block in his head, his words weren't pleading or unsure. He was secure in this. He knew it. He knew that they could make it work together, and it would be good for them both, as long as they just kept meeting each other halfway.

Edited 2015-03-09 23:36 (UTC)

It was hesitant, but after a few moments of looking at him uncertainly and not being sure about how the cookie would crumble with this, Reecy carefully put her arms around him and hugged him back. There was no denying she was scared and nervous of being pushed away. She had understood his situation and what was going on, but there also couldn't just be a simple brushing aside of the fact they really hadn't connected before he was raped either. That had been the part that she was so stuck on. She knew what happened to him, but it was how everything had been messed up before it. And then after it, a whole lot of confusion and feeling like she needed to just step back while he did whatever he needed to do and she protected herself from getting more hurt than she already had been left pregnant, facing abortion, feeling like she was only good enough for a random faceless fuck. There was no worse feeling when you were vulnerable of needing comfort and being pushed away from it.

The other thing was that she had this gut feeling that Clint might have a thing for Shane. There had been mention of Clint caring for him when he had a flare up in his condition (which he didn't tell Clint about) and then Clint went with him when he visited Valentina's grave. Those were heavy things, and Reecy didn't want to complicate things for Shane more than they already were for him. They had been there for each other and they needed it, but she wasn't even sure if now was the right time for anything. Seriously, she hadn't even been able to decide what milk to buy the other day because she was so insecure, she had been talking herself out of everything. "I know what you want. But I need to be shown that you can, not just want it."

Jude's arms slid right back around Reecy, and he held her close to his chest, leaning over her to kiss the top of her head as one hand curled against the back of her head, just quietly taking in how soft her hair was for a moment. Holding her close to him may have been the first time he realized just how small she really was physically, and that in itself raised a very protective instinct in him. He wanted to know that she was safe... to be one of the people who made her feel most protected, and as much as he knew that wasn't going to change in her mind overnight, he had every intention of showing her, consistently, that she could trust him and feel safe with him. The way she fit, tucked right in at his chest, was something that he couldn't help noticing, and he swallowed hard as he held her. She smelled good... something that he had noticed before, but was just making him want that much more not to let go.

At Reecy's words, calm and not angry as they had been earlier, Jude pulled back only just enough to look down at her, but not to break the hug. The knuckle of his first finger tucked under her chin, giving it the gentlest of nudges upward so their eyes could meet. "Then let me show you?" he asked, his tone gentle... barely more than a whisper. "We could wait around forever to find a right time, but sometimes the right time never comes unless you make it." He shifted them together a bit so that they were both clear of the doorway, where this whole conversation had taken place, and nudged the door closed with his foot before leaning forward to kiss her again. Win or lose, there were times that you just genuinely had to take your balls in hand and fucking make a choice. One way or another. And Jude was drawing his line in the sand right here and right now.

"I would have taken care of you." Reecy had debated with herself about whether to tell him this or not, until she finally settled on the fact that open and honest would be the best option for everyone right now. There was so, so much going on and a lot of it was painful. "Not because of what did or didn't happen with us, or what should have, or what was fucked up. But because you were Billy's brother, and you asked me to help you. It wasn't even about the fact I was pregnant, and no, I wasn't dealing with that very well. I didn't expect the pregnancy to make me feel so sick and so bad about myself. I don't even know if it was hormones. I think maybe my feelings have just been on a collision course for awhile. But Billy is like a brother to me. He's the brother I never had. Winnie's more like a sister. He has the subtle sassy gay bitch thing going on..."

She closed her eyes briefly because it was hard to talk about all the ways she had fucked up lately. "That was when it was feeling like you didn't want me to, and when I started to realise that I need things in return. Which confused the fuck out of me, because I'm just used to thinking about everyone else and never realised how much I needed things too. Or maybe I never really needed them back then. Shane and I, we just worked when we worked and then stuff happened in his life. Really sad and heartbreaking stuff that I wouldn't wish on a single soul, especially not one with a heart as big as Shane's. You know how you feel about Billy? Well, Shane lost that when his twin sister died suddenly. She was the lead in Grease opposite Romeo, and collapsed and died on stage in the middle of a rehearsal. I think there was this part inside me that assumed the cold front Romeo put up after that meant he was an awful person who was too up himself to care that he lost a co-star. When really... Shane told me Romeo was heartbroken. He had a lot of shock, and tried to just dive back into the production like a bad workaholic because if he didn't, he would have relapsed. Romeo's a recovering anorexic. It's how he was friends with Ajay well before any of this. But I just assumed he was a horrible person and I got on my high horse about it without giving him a chance. And then everything with Justin. I went out at New Year to get drunk so I could just breathe for a little while. Then I found out I was pregnant. I've just been trying to keep my head above water with everything. And not really managing it at all because I just felt so fucking alone."

Edited 2015-03-11 11:05 (UTC)

"That's why I called you in the first place," Jude admitted, looking down into her dark eyes. "It sounds a little crazy now, when I ultimately didn't let you take care of me at all. But the way you care about Billy is one of the things that held my attention. Billy's... You probably know a lot of our story from being friends with him, but Billy's one of the most important people in my life. He's always spoken so highly of you since you guys first met. But I knew that you were the kind of person who would do anything for the people you loved. It's what made you so amazing to me from the start. Which I realize didn't come through so much with my behavior."

He was listening to her, because at the core of any good relationship was a need for communication... a need to be able to be open and honest with each other, and Jude wanted a good relationship with Reecy. Not because he'd gotten her pregnant, and not because he felt like they owed it to each other, but because his feelings for her had grown so much over the last while, and she'd been there for him in his darkest moment. He wanted to be there for her in hers, too. In the space of a few minutes, it became very clear to him how much of a heavy load she'd been carrying since even before he'd met her, and it was no wonder she needed more from a relationship than anything he'd shown her. His arms were wrapped tight around her waist because he wanted her to feel safe and secure, and to know that he was here, and this time, he wouldn't be walking away. "It's okay to need things, too, you know. And not just to need them, but to expect the people who love you to provide them to you. You're an amazing person and friend, Reecy... I've seen it in action with how you've been with Billy and Ajay, and how you came to help me that night. You didn't even have to answer the text I sent you. You could just as easily told me to fuck off, and you would've been within your rights, but you didn't. Because you cared. Romeo's dating Winnie, right? So in your attempts to protect Winnie, you pissed him and Romeo off?" He was pretty sure he had this right, but he didn't want to get anyone crossed up in his head. "I don't want you to feel alone anymore, Reecy. I want to be here with you." He paused again, looking around for a minute. "Is there anywhere we can sit down? I plan to be here for a while... We might as well get comfortable."

Reecy nodded and headed back into her apartment. She was lucky. He had a nice little place that her dad bought her because inheritance from her other dad's death had been kept in a trust fund for her until she was 18. They made the choice together that they would buy an apartment with it when she moved out, but she hadn't been in any hurry at the time. It was only really when she started to dig her heels in on her career with the determination of a crazy woman that she decided it was better to be closer to Manhattan. All she had been doing these last few days was trying to keep focused on work each night, and pretending the rest of the world didn't exist so much beyond that. Save for catching up with Shane and Winnie visiting her. "I do know about your relationship with Billy. He's one of the most important people in my life, and I would watch him with Ajay and wish like fuck I had his mojo. I would watch him with Justin and think he was one of the most sweet people ever. So, I have known what it's felt like having his cancer diagnosis hit for everyone. And it's been so... fucking hard for me because that's what my dad died of. My other father has never fallen in love again since."

When they were inside, she sat back on her sofa, curling her legs up underneath her. "I'll make some tea in a little while if you want. My appetite's kind of taken a beating since the termination. It's like the body still expects the morning sickness to keep kicking in. "I would really like it if you could meet Shane and get to know him. He's still going to be in my life. We've always been close ever since we met, and that's a friendship that's still there. Plus, he's been having a... thing with Clint. At least, he had been until he told Clint he wasn't really into the casual sex thing. But Clint took care of him when he wasn't feeling well, and then he offered to go visit Valentina's grave with him. It seemed out-of-character for what I've heard of Clint, so I assumed something was there on some level. But Shane's important to me, so if there is going to be something here, I need you to be able to get along with him," she explained, gesturing between them.

The only other time Jude had seen this place had been the night they'd slept together, and that seemed like a lifetime ago -- besides the fact that he'd been drunk at the time and hardly remembered it. As he followed her into the place, he was impressed with how gorgeous it was, small, but perfect for her. The decor was very much her. The truth was, though, his focus was far more on her than on her apartment. This had turned out far closer to how he wanted by the time all was said and done, and he didn't want to say something stupid and fuck it up now. So he did what he should've done all along, and listened to her. "We're pretty close in age, and we grew up super close. We've always been different, but we've always had each other's backs. I'm really sorry about your dad," he added, meeting her gaze, because he was sorry that she'd lost someone who obviously meant so much to her. "I guess when I found out Billy was sick, I sort of withdrew into myself and didn't take into consideration that there were other people hurting over it, too. I had no idea about your dad until Lewis told me a few days ago, and then it kind of hit me even harder what you must be going through seeing one of your best friends suffer with the same thing."

Jude took the seat beside her, again wrapping his arms around her to make sure she was close to him. "Maybe in a little while," he told her softly. "Right now, I just want to keep talking." He kissed the top of her head, surprised at the utter relief he felt in being able to hold her in his arms. It was as if it were something that had been missing from his life... a puzzle piece that kept the whole picture from fitting, and now that it was in place, he didn't want to let go. "From what I understand, it's pretty common to not feel very hungry for a while. Hopefully it doesn't last too long, though. I know you know that you have to eat, even if you don't really feel up to it. Which sucks when you don't." He paused, taking in what she was saying with a nod of his head. "I'd like to meet him," he agreed. "He's important to you, just like Renz is important to me. I want to know the people that matter to you, regardless of what's happened in the past. I mean, I have slept with a lot of my good friends. I know that kind of makes me sound like a slut, which I guess I was in the past. But at the end of the day, Renz and Lew and Clint... they mean the world to me as friends, and I'd never take away from you what Shane means to you in some fit of jealousy. That's not how I operate. And I'd like to get to know him, because if he's special to you, he's important to me."

Edited 2015-03-13 12:21 (UTC)

Reecy nodded as she listened. She knew Jude and Billy were close. Even right from the first day she met Billy, it was clear that his boyfriend and his brother were his whole world. She never met Jude at the time, not until their drunken New Year's fuck, but she remembered seeing Billy with Ajay at the production party at Caden's place. He was so attentive, tender, sweet with Ajay that it made Reecy's heart hurt... and yearn for something she had been missing since she split with Shane. She had remembered initially lamenting when she met Billy that all the sweet ones were gay. "I'm an only child. I'm the products of two gay dads who adored each other, and brilliant surrogate who I'm good friends with even today. It was probably why I was so close to Winnie. We've known each other forever. My dads, they loved each other so much. Then my dad got cancer when I was a baby. It was very advanced stages. I've seen photos of him having chemo, and all that. But I never got to meet him. At least, not when I was old enough to remember. I've always known he was my dad, though. Dad kept the memories alive. There's a picture of me hanging on the wall at home of me holding a rose by his coffin at the funeral. It still makes me cry. When Bill was diagnosed, I asked Dad about testicular cancer. We talked a lot about it, what it went through. But with Dad, they did the same surgery, but it had spread too much through him already. He stopped chemo so he could live out his last days feeling good with us."

She scrunched her nose up and tugged her lips to the side wryly. "My emotions haven't exactly been conducive to having an appetite either. I went to see Justin tonight. He's not good. His dad told me that the night he went after Paul, it was an actual psychotic break. He just snapped. It's hard for anyone to understand, because we don't know what it's like. But when I asked his dad what that would have meant, he said it would have been a lot like just going into a trance that you can't control. Justin doesn't remember much about it. He just remembers being really angry. Everything made him angry. He has a recollection of hitting Paul, being on top of him and trying to hurt him, but everything else is hazy. Look, I know I've been a crazy bitch. Or at least a headstrong one who was trying not to get more hurt. But I don't have an issue with... whatever it is you have with Lorenzo and Clint. You can keep doing it, that doesn't bother me. Lewis told me you had a threesome with him and Lorenzo. That Lorenzo was pretty clear you weren't allowed near Lewis' ass," she added with a small smirk.

"I think it's really cool that you're the daughter of two gay guys," he said softly, taking in everything she said, his responses making it clear that he cared what she was saying. He didn't want her to ever again feel like her words went in one ear and out the other with him. It was a terrible feeling to think that someone claimed to care about you but couldn't be fucked with what you had to say. And she'd been through it enough. He shifted a little so that he could rest his head on top of hers as they sat there talking. "It's special that your dad kept your other dad's memory and made sure you knew who he was and that he loved you," he murmured, sliding his hand down to cup the back of her hand in his, his thumb absentmindedly pressing in circular motions in her palm. He could get used to this. This was the kind of closeness that he wanted and even craved. Jude had never been someone who was opposed to intimacy on any level -- he'd just never had it this way -- this way that came with romantic feelings and thoughts of the future. With Renz, there had always been intimacy and love, just not the kind that Renz shared with Lewis now or that Jude wanted with Reecy. It was mostly just that Jude hadn't met anyone before her who was truly a game changer. There probably were a lot of people who assumed that Jude was a commitmentphobe, but that wasn't really the case. He'd just never found anyone who made him want to commit. "Your dad sounds like an amazing guy," Jude said thoughtfully. "When you lose someone before you're old enough to really remember them, it means a lot to have people who loved them and can help you know them as best you can. This might be kind of a weird question but... Do you ever miss your Dad even though you really can't remember him?"

"When Mark told me what happened, I felt like my stomach fell out my ass," he replied, shaking his head. "Justin's such a good kid and the last person in the world to deserve going through the hell he went through in the first place. This Paul guy... he's... I hope he ends up getting fucked up in general population in prison, and I know that's probably messed up to say, but I don't even care. He hurt a lot of people that are really special to me, not just me personally. It's... It's bad enough to do what he did to me, but Justin's a kid." He had to laugh a little at what she said next. Partially because of the bit about Lewis's ass, but also sort of out of disbelief that this conversation was even happening. She'd mentioned before in passing that she wasn't closed to the idea of having an open relationship when it came to Jude and Renz's relationship, but this was still more than Jude really could've thought to hope for. "Nope. Lew's ass is off limits, and I can't suck his dick. Renz blurted that one out of the blue when we started things off that time. It was hilarious. But... You really wouldn't have a problem with it?" He shook his head, honestly shocked to shit in a lot of ways. This had been the one thing that he'd been unsure about when he thought about dating someone. "So... maybe kind of a semi-open thing with a few ground rules in place is the best idea?"

Reecy wet her lips, thinking about her dads. "It's not weird. I do miss him. I miss his hugs. I miss him tucking me in at night. I miss not having him for Father's Days. I miss him not there on my opening night. I miss that he won't be there to walk me down the aisle if I ever get married. I miss not knowing how his voice sounds. I miss not knowing what he smells like. I miss all these things I never knew, but I still miss them. People say you can't miss something you never had, but you can. I had all that with other dad in bucketloads, but that doesn't mean there isn't a hole still left there. Right up until my early high school years, I still got him Father's Day cards and took them to his grave. I went and sat with him after my opening night and told him all about it. I've never been a believer than when someone dies, you lose them. You keep them there with you."

"Justin's a beautiful boy. I adore his little tushy off him. He's a little sparking firecracker when he's well. He's like my little brother. I've lost count of the amount of times he's farted on me or I've given him a wedgie. But seeing him tonight, he's a different kid. When he looks at you, it's almost like he's looking through you. And this is him better than how he was right after it all." She smiled, amused. She didn't know Lorenzo very well, but she did know Lewis. He was a very sweet and easygoing guy. It didn't surprise her that he was comfortable accommodating Lorenzo with the thing that had been going on with Jude. She could only imagine how their first three-way went. Lorenzo was territorial, understandably. Lewis was giving him things he had been starved on and they had a close relationship. "I accidentally saw Lewis' dick once, so you maybe got off easily there. I have no idea how anyone deep-throats that. I admire Lorenzo's skills. It's sweet that want to keep some things for just themselves, though. Anything like this needs ground rules. And I'm okay with it. You're bi, you like dick. At least, before... I don't know how you feel about any of that now. But you know what? I think you should sit down with Lewis and Lorenzo now after everything and just talk to them. Reconnect. All get back on the same page, or everything will slip through your fingers."

"People always thought it was weird when I said I missed my dad... I was barely three when I lost him, and nobody understood how I could miss him when I could barely remember him. I remember bits and pieces, but not enough to really say I knew him, if that makes sense. Billy and I are really close to our mom and our nana, and both of them made sure that we knew who our dad was, kind of like you said with your dad. I wouldn't wish losing a parent young on anybody. But I think you're right... that we keep them with us. My nana's the reason I'm not in jail or something. She knew I was going down the wrong path in my life, and she told me before her mind went with Alzheimer's to pull my head in and be someone she could be proud of because she loved me and Billy looked up to me, and I wanted to be a good person and a good example. She's why I want to be a nurse." His fingers threaded through hers, and it was overwhelming to him how good it felt to touch and be touched. He'd been afraid, he couldn't lie. But he'd fought through the fear, and here he was holding this girl close to him... This girl he cared about more than he knew how to explain, and he was genuinely comforted by having her near him.

"Billy talks about him the same as you," Jude mused, the warmth of her seeming to soak through to him as he held her close. There were so many hard things going on right now... So many things that hurt. But here, close to this girl in the safety of her place, he wasn't afraid... and that both surprised and comforted him. "About how great he is... What a special kid. I've met him, but I've never known him that well, just through Billy. But when Mark contacted me to ask me to testify to help Justin's case, it broke my heat. The poor kid went through hell over and over again, and of all people, he deserves a break from all the pain he goes through." Jude had to smirk back at her smile. "You've got a gorgeous smile, you know," he said softly. "I wish I'd given you more reason to let me see it before. Better late than never, I guess." Still, he couldn't help the smirk continuing as they talked about his threesome with Lorenzo and Lewis. "Hey," he said, mocking offense. "I happen to have excellent deep-throating skills myself. But I know from experience how hung Lewis is just the same. Renz never made my ass off limits to Lew fucking me. Honestly, I want to be able to sleep with them and with Clitty again, but with everything that's happened, I don't really know where I stand with anyone on that level. I want to talk to them and figure out what's going on there either way, because they're both really great dudes, and Lorenzo's my best friend. Losing him would kill me. I want to get everything back in order, but I wanted to come to you first and get this right with you if I could, because I do want to put you first. I know that there are a lot of our friends going through hell now, but those relationship things... Having a person that comes first in your heart... I see that in action, and it's pretty damn special. And I want to have that kind of relationship with you." He paused, tilting his head a little in thought. "What other ground rules are important to you if we're going to do this? I mean, as far as me being bi and stuff, Clint and Renz and Lew are probably the only people I'd want to do anything with aside from you. I'm pretty sure I'd only want anything like that with people I already know and trust after everything. But what about you? This isn't just a me relationship, and I don't want it to be one-sided or anything. Give and take, all the way."

"I guess everyone's different. I just don't see how losing someone that close to you should mean you close that gap over in your life and live on like they never existed. That's impossible when my dad that is still alive will never do the love thing again. I asked him about it once, and he said to me, 'I'm still in love, sweetheart'. That was probably one of the most poignant things anyone ever said to me and it's stuck with me ever since. So, he was still my dad who loved me like only a father could. It's also why all this mess has been so tough on me, because I kept thinking that he would probably be so disappointed in me for screwing up so bad. My dad who passed away, he was biological dad. Not that biology ever came into it. You just seem to miss people who are gone so much more when things are going badly. But everyone is different, and I think sometimes people can't just grieve and move on. Some people need to keep the memories alive and don't need to just move on." Reecy would be lying if she didn't admit that she had been doing a lot of soul-searching over this whole thing lately. Not just because she got pregnant and the shit hit the fan with that, but questioning why a kid like Justin had to face so much pain and fear, and why someone like Billy had to get cancer out of the blue when he was one of those people who were the foundation for others. The glue the held people together.

She gave him a small smile and nodded. "You should go to chat to him. You can see that he's ill, without a doubt, but you're kind of a catalyst here. It might bring you both some peace to talk to each other. You can ask him questions, he can see you're okay. You're both victims of the same evil hands. Justin was... I don't know how far Paul went with him, because he has never told any of it. But I still remember the way he screamed backstage and when we all got back there, Paul was out cold on the floor with Justin all-but in panicked and angry tears saying Paul was touching him. We only learned later that it had been going on on some level ever since Paul got the part that wasn't the lead. Stupid cunt could never see that Ren was always Justin. The whole production only exists today because of Justin. I want to be like that kid when I grow up. Ridiculously talented and hardworking." She had to laugh a little at that and brushed her hair back out of her face. "I'm impressed. I'm going to say straight up deep throating has never been much of a skill I picked up. I haven't slept with all that many people in the grander scheme of things. You should talk with Lorenzo and Lewis, though. Obviously whatever ground rules you had before would be in question now. Well, I don't want you running around sleeping with half of New York. If you need to still do that, we can't be a thing. I want a level of faithfulness. I'd be okay if it was just Lorenzo, Lewis and Clint. And that you let me know where you are so I'm not worrying. And hey, I get off on gay sex, so I don't mind if everything's open range."

Reecy was an amazing person, and Jude had the weirdest feeling that he was falling in love with her with every passing moment. Maybe it was cheesy and cliche, but she was his exception in every conceivable way, evidenced by the way they were sitting here, close together, Jude letting her be close to him, touch him. He needed this... the reminder that not all touch was bad, and that in fact, some of it was very good -- very special and above all that? Welcome. "You know... despite the tragedy of what happened to your dad, both of your dads were incredibly lucky to have a love like that," Jude mused, still holding onto Reecy's hand. "And I'm pretty damn lucky they did, too, because it made them want a family together, and that's why you're here. Grief is different for everyone, I think. But you're right. Some people just... You lose them, but you don't ever let them go. I think it's good, though... to remember them and hold onto the bits of them that we have." He shifted a little, resting his cheek on top of her head as he held her close. This wasn't anything Jude had ever expected to find for himself... especially after how everything else had gone with them both lately.

"That's probably not a bad idea," Jude agreed softly. Reecy was incredibly wise for someone who'd so strongly doubted herself before, and Jude couldn't help being impressed by her even more. The first night when they'd met and slept together, it had been a purely physical thing. She was a sexy little thing, no doubt, petite and gorgeous... Feisty and full of life to the point that he'd been trawling for dick that night and hooked up with her instead. Their night together had definitely been booze-fueled, but Jude had certainly had a great time with her. She honestly had a great sense of fun that just stood out to him. And the next time he'd seen her, she'd knocked the shit out of his face which had only managed to make him like her more. She had certain expectations from a relationship... namely the expectation to be treated with respect, and Jude had appreciated that about her, too. And it had been a hell of a long journey here, but here they were, and now that they'd gotten this far, Jude had no intentions of letting go of her again. "He's a great kid from what I hear. I was really impressed with him when I met him. He's smart, quick... Definitely a hard worker and he has more talent in his little finger than most people have in their whole body. It makes me sick that fucker hurt him, too, no matter to what extent. Anyone who's close to him should be trying to help keep him safe, not hurting him." Jude honestly felt like he could watch her smile forever and be happy with it, and that might have sounded stupid, but it was true. "It's okay," he teased, turning so that she could see his face. "I'm happy with what I have, but I'm nowhere near as hung as Lewis is." He laughed, but his face showed seriousness as he nodded at her requests. "I want to be with you. Occasionally sleeping with Clitty or Lew and Renz doesn't mean that I want to just sleep with everyone. And I don't really. I don't feel comfortable with it, and honestly, I'm with you. If you're open to me still screwing around with them, that's awesome, and I probably will, because those guys are some of my best friends, and that's sort of how our relationships started. But other than them, there's really not anyone else I want to be with. I want to be faithful to you. I want you to be my girlfriend at the end of the day. And as far as getting off on gay sex, I'd be willing to bet Clitty wouldn't be ashamed to have an exhibition for you." He shook his head with a laugh. "He jerks off over his wife getting down and dirty with other women. Ultimately, I just want us to be happy together and have something that works for us. Other people can think what they think, but other people aren't us, and they're not living our lives. So they have no right whatsoever to judge."

Reecy nodded. "They were. I guess that's why I always had high expectations and standards for love. I'm no innocent by any means. I'm not some perfect little princess who will only settle for princes and fairy tales. I didn't even like half the Disney movies when I was a kid. The chicks always pissed me off, being all moony-eyed over dudes that didn't seem to have a clue about them, and how bad their lives were until the prince came and saved the day. But Dad raised me how they both always wanted to, and it was to teach me that I deserved to be respected and loved, and if someone wanted to love me that way I loved them, I wasn't imposed obligations to them. My Dad said that isn't how love works. It's a two-way street. It's give and take. Sometimes, someone needs to take more than they can give, and sometimes you need to give more than you take. But it should all still balance out. Problems are shared, no one should feel like a lesser person for the other person's gain. And sex should just be natural, the physical side of the love, not an expectation or responsibility. At of the time these days, I wonder how he managed to still teach me all that single-handedly because it can't have been an easy gig when already there was a lot of judgement of gay couples and their choices back then. He admits that some days it all felt too much and he felt like he wasn't enough for me."

She laughed fondly, unable to help it, despite the heaviness of the situation. "This is why he gets along so well with Billy. They're similar. Both bright sparks with a wicked sense of humour. Which is why it has been so fucking hard on everyone to witness them in pain, crumbling under it all. The thing is, we can tell when Justin's not quite well. We've learnt how to help him, when he wants help, when help might make him worse. We know not to get on his case if he seems all over the place. Sometimes, it's better for him to just focus on getting through the show because it actually keeps him balanced. Knowing that someone has destroyed all that, shattered all the pieces the kid has worked so hard to pick up, it's horrific." She went right back to laughing about Lewis. "Lewis is a sassy one. He might seem like the cool, calm and collected sort, and he is, but he's also spent his whole life being a thinker, so he's wise. If you feel like he's giving you a basic bitch look, it's usually more that he's trying to figure out why what you're saying is basic. I think he'll be fine with whatever arrangement you guys had. He wouldn't have agreed to it unless he wanted to. Hey, if I spent my life worrying about what other people thought, I'd be a miserable and angry person all the time."

Jude gave a light laugh at that, shaking his head. "I'm glad, because I'm pretty sure I never got the memo on a bisexual Disney prince with tattoos who got his princess. Which is cool with me, because my hair will never look like theirs anyway. But I want to love you the way you deserve to be loved, and fuck Disney, but I still want to make you feel like a princess. I've never done the relationship thing before, but I don't want to use that as an excuse not to do it right. I think that all makes sense, and it's ultimately what it's all about. Give and take. It used to be easy to give, because I had my life on an even keel, and giving, believe it or not, came pretty naturally to me. Lorenzo went through a lot, and I was able to care for him... And then I lost my footing. It's not an excuse... And I don't want it to be, either. I'm going to be here for you and let you be here for me. Your dad sounds like an amazing dude. I'd really like to meet him someday. I mean, I assume if we're dating, I will... But he sounds like someone I'd like to know."

"Billy always talked about him all the time after rehearsals and shows. He loves the kid to death, and it's been hard on him knowing Justin's not well, and he's not well to be able to help him. My brother has fucking ball cancer, and his first concern is still everyone else... Making sure Ajay's well and cared for as much as he can be... worrying about Justin and how he's coping with everything. Billy's an amazing dude. I'm really proud to have him as a brother. I'm going to take your advice though, and go have a chat with Justin. I don't want him to think I'm falling to pieces and somehow blame himself for it. I get a feeling he'd end up doing that. Among other things. It would probably be good for both of us." He was quiet as she continued to explain about Lewis, and it was hitting him that even after everything, Reecy knew his best friend's boyfriend better than he did, and that was something he needed to remedy, and pretty damn quickly if he could. "I like the guy. He's good to Renz and he obviously loves him to the moon and back, so that pretty much makes him a favorite for me right off. But he's a smart dude, too. He won't put up with people being basic if they need to be put in their place, but I like that... Because I know it means he's not letting basic bitches fuck with my best friend. I don't care what other people think, either. At this point, I just want to hold onto the people that I care about and treat them the way they deserve to be treated. End of story."

Reecy gave him a point. "Ahh, you wait. Winnie's a writer, I'm onto him about that imbalance in fairy tales. It's time Disney got its shit together. I'm waiting for a Disney movie with two gay princes and I will love the fuck out of them. Ariel, eat your heart out. I don't need to be treated like a princess. I really don't. I know there are some chicks out there who demand it to obnoxious levels. Or you get the ones running around bleating feminism and they don't need anything from a guy to be a better woman. That's not me either. There has to be a nice, happy balance between the extremes. Just do what you feel is right, and what's you. It's the only way we'll have a hope in hell of knowing if we're truly compatible. It's better to figure that out sooner rather than later. Dad will want to meet you, but it's nothing to be intimidated by. He's not the sort of guy waiting there to threaten you with a shotgun if you hurt me. He knows hurt is all part and parcel of life. He knows those choices are mine to make. He just wants to be kept in the loop so I know I can talk to him about anything I need to. My other dad, though? He probably would have been the shotgun guy," she admitted with a fond smile, albeit with a hint of sadness in her tone.

She nodded as she listened. "It's true. But that will always be Billy. Maybe even moreso now that your inner circle has expanded to include people like Ajay and Justin, Lewis with Lorenzo, Ajay's brother. All that. I think that will ultimately be what gets Billy through this anyway. Cancer's terrifying, and he's lost a part of him that ultimately defined him on some level. The balls are part of being a man, so he's probably thinking about that too... worrying he might not be attractive to Ajay or if it will feel different and weird. If sex will feel the same. All these things are probably swirling around in his head, but at the same time, he'll still have focus on the people he cares about and how they are, because that's Billy. But he is extremely close to Justin and it might give him some peace to know you've reached out to Justin and stepped in where he couldn't. As for Lewis, he's very easy to love. He doesn't judge. He questions, but he doesn't judge. He's a funny guy too. He'll tell it like it is. I think he's been an armchair therapist to all of us he works on for the shows. But he's had his own life struggles. Has a family that doesn't believe in homosexuality and basically doesn't know who he is, let alone to love who he is. That's where you're rich, Jude. You have a family who love you unconditionally and accept you for who you are, even through the mistakes and confusion. That's something priceless some people will never have."

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"Last chance, honey..."

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