"Do you think we have life easy? I have to set you straight."

[radioactivesadness]

Who: Ajay Bellerose and Travis Parker-Cleary
What: Opening up
Where: Mount Sinai
When: After THIS

Somewhere between being taken to theatre and coming back to his room after he got the feeding tube, the pain Ajay was in made him realise how serious this was. The penny was beginning to drop that if he didn't start to get better, he could be seriously sick for the rest of his life. The delusion he had inside had to be combated or he would lose the battle. Luckily Billy had been there for him when he got back to his room, because he pretty much lost it because he was in so much pain. He couldn't even lie down in bed because stretching out hurt. Once the painkillers kicked in and they gave him more fluids, it started to ease but it took a lot out of him.

Still, he had to remind Billy to go home to get that contract signed and back to Caden. He also needed to shower, change, and rest, but with Ajay feeling poorly, he had been very reluctant to leave. Travis' message had come through right about then, so Ajay showed Billy and said that Travis was coming to see him, so he wouldn't be on his own. Without that, Billy wouldn't have left. When he did, though, a nurse came and helped Ajay be able to take a shower because he had been feeling gross after everything. Instead of a hospital gown, he had a loose pair of light blue Calvin Klein pyjama pants and a long-sleeved white t-shirt on now, which helped, and it felt so much better to have his hair washed and a shave.

He had 'dinner' waiting for him on a tray, a small cup of jello and a glass of apple juice diluted with water. He could have oral fluids if he wanted them but he wasn't feeling it. He sipped the juice but then pushed the table with the tray away. Lachlan had been right, though, without the pressure of thinking about eating, not eating, denying himself food, punishing himself with food, controlling himself with food, it cleared a small part of his mind to think better... and now he was ready to speak to Travis and hopefully openly too, even if he was scared. Not scared of talking, but scared of wanting his brother and making up for a hell of a lot of lost time.

And that was when Travis arrived, and Ajay felt nervous whilst simultaneously hoping Travis wouldn't hate him. "... hi. I-I'm, um... I'm sorry about the coffee shop."

Comments

[notmyfathersson]

Travis had made the comment to Ajay that he wanted them to really be family. Where Travis had always had the benefit of a supportive family that loved him and wanted him to be happy and safe, he knew that Ajay hadn't. From what the younger guy had told him, his dad was the only one that really cared, and while he did try to be a good parent, he honestly just didn't fully know how. Travis knew how beneficial it had been to him t have two parents who not only wanted to support him, but really knew how. They'd raised him well and stood by him and taught him everything that a parent should teach a child, and he was proud of the person they'd helped him become. Ajay obviously didn't see himself as anything to be proud of at all, and Travis wasn't sure where to start, but he was damn well going to try to be the best brother he could be, even if it was twenty-some-odd years too late.

"Hi," Travis said, coming closer to the side of Ajay's bed with a warm smile that didn't quite manage to hide his worry. "It's really okay. Don't worry about that. I'm just glad you let me come to see you now. Billy said you were in a bad way, and I wasn't sure you'd want me to come or not. But I wanted to be here, and I figured the worst you could do would be to tell me no, so I asked. But I'm here, and we can talk about anything you want to talk about. Anything at all."

[radioactivesadness]

Their first real chat in the coffee shop had been guarded, at least on Ajay's behalf. But he guarded himself with everyone, it wasn't just Travis. He hurt inside, he was broken, so it was hard not to play his cards close to his chest. He hadn't known Travis existed, but he gave him the benefit of the doubt. He had really tried to broach the whole thing lightly, but the further they got into the conversation, the more anxiety began to build up in Ajay. And any time that happened, the binging was impossible to avoid. He hadn't avoided it. He had ploughed through a large meal when they had just been intending coffee, then two pieces of cake with cream for dessert and a large milkshake with the coffee. Because he had been trying to focus on Travis, something he had no control over, he locked into binge mode to try to grab back any control he could, and he lost it. He broke off the conversation right in the middle to hurry to the bathroom where he made himself sick, leaving Travis high and dry.

There was a brief glance up at the feeding system he was now attached to, as if to remind himself why he was doing this. "I, um..." he began quietly, uncertainly, trying to find the best place to start here. "I was bleeding in the bathroom at the coffee shop. Like, from inside. I've got this inflammation thing which I just found out about, and... that isn't at all what I'm trying to tell you here, but I figured you should know why I'm in here to start with because you were just left hanging without any explanation. I just... I didn't go to the bathroom because of that. That just happened while I was in there because I... fuck... I was making myself sick and I took pills that aggravated the inflammation thing to cause the bleeding. I've had bulimia since I was about 14, give or take. Truth of the matter is, I'm completely fucked up and have been for years. I was binging the night I got shot... and I begged the shooter to pull the trigger."

[notmyfathersson]

It had definitely been more than obvious that something wasn't right with Ajay from the very start, but Travis hadn't known really what to expect or how to take Ajay's behavior. He'd only just met him, and he couldn't be sure what was his normal. What he did know, though, was that his brother had eaten a ridiculous amount of food and then excused himself, leaving Travis completely confused and seriously worried. This being a big brother thing wasn't going to be easy... especially from what he could tell about Ajay so far. He hadn't wanted to push or pry, but he did want to know what was going on. Ajay was his little brother, the little brother he'd always dreamed of and hoped for, but it clearly wasn't going to be as simple as waltzing into his brother's life and suddenly going camping together or farting on each other. That was okay. What was family for if not leaning on each other when things were bad?

Ajay was slow and deliberate in the way that he explained himself to Travis, and there were a million things running through his mind to say. But nothing he was thinking would make sense... Nothing would come close to saying what he was feeling right now or how much he wanted to help his brother. And beyond that, the immediate things rushing through his head were all these positive platitude type things that he knew without a doubt weren't going to help. His brother had bulimia and had been suicidal. That was no light thing that could be fixed with some nice words and a warm and fuzzy feeling. Still, he didn't want to leave his brother thinking that he wanted nothing to do with him because he was damaged inside and going through hell. When he finally did speak it was a softly uttered, "Fuck." His eyes met Ajay's... at least as long as Ajay's remained focused on his. "Dude... I want you to know that it means a hell of a lot to me that you're choosing to let me see the painful parts. I certainly can't promise I can help or fix anything, but you have me anytime you need me, even if it's just because you need some support. You can never have too many people in your life who will care about you unconditionally, and I can give you that, at least." He paused, tilting his head to one side as he looked at his brother. He didn't want to push or rush him, but he wanted him to know for sure that he was there and he'd listen to anything Ajay wanted to say.

[radioactivesadness]

Ajay just nodded with a small sigh. "Yeah, 'fuck' is a good start, I know. You said you live here in the city? You've probably heard of Paris and Gen Hart, they built the fashion magazine, FABULOUS, up from nothing. I was Gen's PA for a few years. We were very close. I came to New York because I quit college in the middle of one of my bad relapses and I just couldn't handle going back to Vermont with my father. His wife wanted a baby, and that was all everything was about. I applied for the job and it sort of gave me this avenue to focus on Gen and not on myself, if that makes sense. I've never been well per se, but I was better working there. Until I got really sick with a bowel obstruction and they thought it was from laxative abuse, but it turns out it was this other thing that went undetected."

It was hard, and he was a little inwardly agitated. It was showing visibly by the way he was knotting his fingers in the edge of the sheet over his lap. "So, I got really sick on a flight home from a business trip overseas with Gen and rushed to hospital the day after. But I could never tell anyone at work about the eating disorder. I was ashamed, thought they would think I was a lying and sham because the magazine is very proactive on things like breast cancer and eating disorders, printing all these self-help guides about warning signs and where to go for help. Which made me try to cover it more. I quit, and Dad took me back to Vermont where he promptly had me admitted to this fancy state-of-the-art eating disorder rehab clinic. It worked for awhile, but I was in a bad place so I relapsed as soon as I was out and I've been like that ever since on the constant pendulum of it controlling me. Billy got my job when I left. I came back to see Gen to apologise, but she had all these problems of her own and I felt terrible for being so selfish. I tried to go to a group therapy but I got in a bad way, and that was the night I got shot. I wouldn't blame you in the slightest if you want to back right off and cut your losses. Most just think I'm attention-seeking or doing nothing to help myself. But I've done it all."

[notmyfathersson]

"I have. I read their magazine from time to time, but I'm not exactly the highest fashion dude out there. You worked for Gen, though? That's a really great job. Is the other thing causing your problem... the bleeding and the obstruction and stuff... Is that because of the eating disorder, or was it preexisting and irritated by it?" He watched his brother, not wanting to push him when they were just starting to talk. Everything was so new, but what Travis couldn't deny was the overwhelming desire to be close to his brother and do everything he could to help him, even if that just meant that he would stay close, love, and support him.

"I'm sorry that you felt like you had to hide it," Travis said, looking his brother in the eye. "But you... You don't need to be ashamed. I know you felt that way. I can understand why you would -- it's not something that people generally talk about, and when they do, they generally talk about it like it's a joke, or as a way to make fun of people. It's no wonder you wouldn't want to put it out there. But it's not something to be ashamed of or hide, Ajay, and I'm glad you're telling me about it now. It's an illness and you don't have to try to hide that you're ill. I'm not saying that to tell you what to do or anything, and I'm sure you've heard that a million times before, but it's true. And I want you to know I don't see you any differently than I did before you told me this. You're still my brother, and I still want to be part of your life and have you part of mine if you're interested. And you should know that I don't think you're selfish or attention seeking at all. I think you're sick and struggling and anyone sick and struggling would reach out and try to find some love and support along the way."

[radioactivesadness]

"Was a really great job..." Ajay corrected and didn't feel like pointing out that he was now an unemployed mess. "I don't know entirely. We were given a whole pile of leaflets on it, but I think Billy took them home to study it when he should be studying his lines. He just got a part in a Broadway show. Footloose. It's opening soon. The doctor says I would have had it and taxing myself the way I did over and over pushed into the dangerous zones. I feel like crap all the time, I guess I didn't notice. Or the crap feeling makes me feel in control. I know, it's mental. I... I can't really explain it without it sounding mental. Maybe that's why I don't generally explain anything. But this... thing. It's to give all the inflammation inside a chance to settle, and also to take the control of food away from me," he added, gesturing to the feeding system.

He shrugged. "You can sit there and quote the whole eating disorder psychotherapy manual to me, what I don't need to feel or why, but that doesn't stop the part of my brain making me think all these things. I wish it did, because then I'd be fixed about a billion times over. I know people don't really know what to say to me, so they err on the side of caution of either telling me there's help out there or that I shouldn't feel ashamed of it. People shouldn't take meth or have unprotected sex, but they still do, don't they. I know it's an illness, and I know I'm sick. I've just spent years being accused of deliberately not wanting help because I like playing the victim, or that I'm an attention-seeker, or even something disgusting like having a vomit fetish. I don't make myself sick because I like it. It's punishment for over-eating. And I've spent years avoiding mirrors because all I see is fat, and thinking everyone else sees fat. Just... gross fat everywhere. Sick and struggling folk would reach out for help. Mentally ill people? Seem to do the opposite. I'm not deliberately countering everything you're saying here. Just... if you're genuine about all this, you need to understand what it's like to live in my head. I'm trying to fight this. I really am. But I keep tripping and screwing up. I just have to keep trying. I'm not used to having anyone... well, focus on me, I guess. I usually hate anything focussing on me. Like it's wasted."

[notmyfathersson]

"Your boyfriend's a Broadway actor? That's amazing, Ajay. Maybe... Maybe once you've gotten back on your feet a little, or at least feel up to it, you and I could go see his show together?" He shook his head firmly, disagreeing with his brother's self-deprecation. "You don't really sound mental to me," Travis replied, and that much was true. There was a twisted sort of logic that went with an illness like Ajay's, a logic that didn't necessarily make sense to anyone else, but to those living with it, made total sense. Travis couldn't wrap his mind around feeling that way, but it said something to him that Ajay was able to explain it on some level. It had been his reality for so long. "You sound pretty well aware of what's going on, actually. That's not mental at all. I know you're probably not thrilled about the feeding tube situation. I don't want to assume anything, though. How do you... How do you feel about the feeding tube?"

Travis gave a small nod at that. "You're right. I'm a social worker. I work with sick kids, and it's my job to know what to say, but... It's different when it's your brother who's sick, and with an illness you're just not all that familiar with. Ajay, I want you to know I don't think you're an attention-seeker or any of those other awful things that Candy said about you. She's a bitch. A serious kind of bitch, and you know that better than I do because she's been part of your life longer than mine. But I don't think that you've done anything to bring this on yourself, and I certainly don't see you as an attention seeker. To the contrary. It kind of seems like the last thing you want is the attention on you. Tripping and screwing up happen. Doesn't mean that I'm going to stop being here to support you. I don't want to push you or make you uncomfortable, though. I just... I want a chance to get to know you. Not all crazy and rushed. I just want to spend time with you, and that might mean sometimes that I'm focusing on you. We'll take each step together, okay? I won't push you to do anything you're not comfortable with, but I'm also not going anywhere just because your illness is telling you that you don't deserve it."

[radioactivesadness]

Ajay nodded with a small smile. "He is now. It's all very new to him, but he doesn't give himself enough credit. He just thinks he got the role to help out the lad in lead. You've probably heard of him, he's a big deal right now. Justin... he's Gen's son," he explained and search through a large pile of magazines Billy had brought him to find the one with Harley's in-depth interview with Justin (complete with photoshoot) in it to give it over to Travis so he could get a better understanding of that side of things. "The kid's a sweetheart. He talked me around after I got a bit confused over something. So, he kind of gives me hope. You'll understand what I mean when you read that. I am aware. I'm very aware of every fine little detail. I've been aware since they practically locked me in a closed ward when I was 15 after I stopped eating completely and lost a dangerous amount of weight. I guess when you've had the whole shock therapy tactic thrown at you like that, it sticks somewhere inside and you get scared of what will come at you next. Seriously, I was in there with ranting psychotic patients. Patients who self-tattooed all up their arms with religious brainwashing. Because you heard the word 'mental illness' and sometimes people think it needs to be treated with the extreme measures."

He narrowed his eyes a little in thought at hearing Travis was a social worker. "So, you would have a lot of understanding how complicated working with ill people can be. How many different dimensions their care needs to take. See, that's what my family is lacking. I mean, my mother and sister lack a lot more than understanding. But Dad and his wife do try. They do. I don't hold anything against them for not knowing how to cope with this and just thinking injecting expensive medical treatment into it should work. Dad's had a stroke, he's sick, and Sofe is his carer. She's wonderful with that, she teaches young children. But this? I hate myself for inflicting this on them. Which is why I just do everything they think they need to do whether it helps or not, because it gives them some peace of mind. At least, it does until I relapse and they give me that 'Why, Ajay, what more can we do to make you stop this silliness?' look. They don't realise they're doing it, but it's a look I know really, really well. It's a look that scares me because that's when I think I start to panic and things fall off the rails and out of my control again, which sets me right back to the drawing board. Billy has changed a lot for me. He's floored me with how much he cares and I'm learning to try to accept that. You seem to have the same sort of understanding as he does, and acceptance, I guess. Maybe that's the biggest key right there? No one has really just accepted my illness. They all just think a band-aid fix is the answer because it's all in my head."