"Do you think we have life easy? I have to set you straight."

[radioactivesadness]

Who: Ajay Bellerose and Travis Parker-Cleary
What: Opening up
Where: Mount Sinai
When: After THIS

Somewhere between being taken to theatre and coming back to his room after he got the feeding tube, the pain Ajay was in made him realise how serious this was. The penny was beginning to drop that if he didn't start to get better, he could be seriously sick for the rest of his life. The delusion he had inside had to be combated or he would lose the battle. Luckily Billy had been there for him when he got back to his room, because he pretty much lost it because he was in so much pain. He couldn't even lie down in bed because stretching out hurt. Once the painkillers kicked in and they gave him more fluids, it started to ease but it took a lot out of him.

Still, he had to remind Billy to go home to get that contract signed and back to Caden. He also needed to shower, change, and rest, but with Ajay feeling poorly, he had been very reluctant to leave. Travis' message had come through right about then, so Ajay showed Billy and said that Travis was coming to see him, so he wouldn't be on his own. Without that, Billy wouldn't have left. When he did, though, a nurse came and helped Ajay be able to take a shower because he had been feeling gross after everything. Instead of a hospital gown, he had a loose pair of light blue Calvin Klein pyjama pants and a long-sleeved white t-shirt on now, which helped, and it felt so much better to have his hair washed and a shave.

He had 'dinner' waiting for him on a tray, a small cup of jello and a glass of apple juice diluted with water. He could have oral fluids if he wanted them but he wasn't feeling it. He sipped the juice but then pushed the table with the tray away. Lachlan had been right, though, without the pressure of thinking about eating, not eating, denying himself food, punishing himself with food, controlling himself with food, it cleared a small part of his mind to think better... and now he was ready to speak to Travis and hopefully openly too, even if he was scared. Not scared of talking, but scared of wanting his brother and making up for a hell of a lot of lost time.

And that was when Travis arrived, and Ajay felt nervous whilst simultaneously hoping Travis wouldn't hate him. "... hi. I-I'm, um... I'm sorry about the coffee shop."

Comments

[notmyfathersson]

"Your boyfriend's a Broadway actor? That's amazing, Ajay. Maybe... Maybe once you've gotten back on your feet a little, or at least feel up to it, you and I could go see his show together?" He shook his head firmly, disagreeing with his brother's self-deprecation. "You don't really sound mental to me," Travis replied, and that much was true. There was a twisted sort of logic that went with an illness like Ajay's, a logic that didn't necessarily make sense to anyone else, but to those living with it, made total sense. Travis couldn't wrap his mind around feeling that way, but it said something to him that Ajay was able to explain it on some level. It had been his reality for so long. "You sound pretty well aware of what's going on, actually. That's not mental at all. I know you're probably not thrilled about the feeding tube situation. I don't want to assume anything, though. How do you... How do you feel about the feeding tube?"

Travis gave a small nod at that. "You're right. I'm a social worker. I work with sick kids, and it's my job to know what to say, but... It's different when it's your brother who's sick, and with an illness you're just not all that familiar with. Ajay, I want you to know I don't think you're an attention-seeker or any of those other awful things that Candy said about you. She's a bitch. A serious kind of bitch, and you know that better than I do because she's been part of your life longer than mine. But I don't think that you've done anything to bring this on yourself, and I certainly don't see you as an attention seeker. To the contrary. It kind of seems like the last thing you want is the attention on you. Tripping and screwing up happen. Doesn't mean that I'm going to stop being here to support you. I don't want to push you or make you uncomfortable, though. I just... I want a chance to get to know you. Not all crazy and rushed. I just want to spend time with you, and that might mean sometimes that I'm focusing on you. We'll take each step together, okay? I won't push you to do anything you're not comfortable with, but I'm also not going anywhere just because your illness is telling you that you don't deserve it."

[radioactivesadness]

Ajay nodded with a small smile. "He is now. It's all very new to him, but he doesn't give himself enough credit. He just thinks he got the role to help out the lad in lead. You've probably heard of him, he's a big deal right now. Justin... he's Gen's son," he explained and search through a large pile of magazines Billy had brought him to find the one with Harley's in-depth interview with Justin (complete with photoshoot) in it to give it over to Travis so he could get a better understanding of that side of things. "The kid's a sweetheart. He talked me around after I got a bit confused over something. So, he kind of gives me hope. You'll understand what I mean when you read that. I am aware. I'm very aware of every fine little detail. I've been aware since they practically locked me in a closed ward when I was 15 after I stopped eating completely and lost a dangerous amount of weight. I guess when you've had the whole shock therapy tactic thrown at you like that, it sticks somewhere inside and you get scared of what will come at you next. Seriously, I was in there with ranting psychotic patients. Patients who self-tattooed all up their arms with religious brainwashing. Because you heard the word 'mental illness' and sometimes people think it needs to be treated with the extreme measures."

He narrowed his eyes a little in thought at hearing Travis was a social worker. "So, you would have a lot of understanding how complicated working with ill people can be. How many different dimensions their care needs to take. See, that's what my family is lacking. I mean, my mother and sister lack a lot more than understanding. But Dad and his wife do try. They do. I don't hold anything against them for not knowing how to cope with this and just thinking injecting expensive medical treatment into it should work. Dad's had a stroke, he's sick, and Sofe is his carer. She's wonderful with that, she teaches young children. But this? I hate myself for inflicting this on them. Which is why I just do everything they think they need to do whether it helps or not, because it gives them some peace of mind. At least, it does until I relapse and they give me that 'Why, Ajay, what more can we do to make you stop this silliness?' look. They don't realise they're doing it, but it's a look I know really, really well. It's a look that scares me because that's when I think I start to panic and things fall off the rails and out of my control again, which sets me right back to the drawing board. Billy has changed a lot for me. He's floored me with how much he cares and I'm learning to try to accept that. You seem to have the same sort of understanding as he does, and acceptance, I guess. Maybe that's the biggest key right there? No one has really just accepted my illness. They all just think a band-aid fix is the answer because it's all in my head."