dreamlikenewyork | [ FACEBOOK ] with Brandon Blake @ magicmoments

I just need a LOT of Red Bull to juggle drunk you, is all. Yeah, see, I'm gonna need you to remember the importance of that, darlin'. Because I know there's gonna be times ahead where you easily forget it or doubt it.

If the thought of another demonic hangover didn't do it, I'm pretty sure you on a LOT of Red Bull is scary enough to deter me from getting drunk any time in the future. Pretty sure your Red Bull-fueled ADHD would make me cry. I remember it. I never forget it. I just make dumb choices that I think are helping us at the time but are actually making shit worse for us. I think I'm still figuring out how to be married. Which sounds dumb because we've been married a little while now. What I mean is, being married as a well person. That's where I dropped the ball.

Absolutely no one needs to be inflicted with me on Red Bull, especially not the love of my life. I'd like to not risk divorce. It's okay, darlin'. I understand why you did what you did. The situation was and is fucked. The fact neither of us knew how to juggle it is okay. A little birdie told me you've been real upset because we argued when I was sick. Bran, I didn't even know I was sick. I didn't. I just thought I was stressed out. My gut kinda does the same sort of thing with a flare up as it does with, like, huge emotional shit. I don't want you beating yourself up about that for the next 5 years. You didn't drop any balls. You just fumbled it a bit. Understandably.

I know you understand but honestly, I did not play any of this shit how I promised you I would and that's on me. I was trying to just keep everything normal when it was impossible that any of it could be normal. See, I know you really mean that but the fact you thought being unwell was just your normal and neither of us noticed, it's a problem we need to work on. I won't fumble the ball again, baby.

I love you for shooting for the normal, though. Even if it was freaking me out a bit. Okay, a lot. It looked a lot like denial and denial scares the shit outta me. Only, not literally, as we discovered. Kinda did the opposite, huh? We're both gonna have times we fumble the ball, darlin'. But we're getting better at dealing with it.

I've been craving some normal with you. I thought we were really on track for it too. Not so fucking much now, though. It wasn't denial, I promise. I did the denial the first time around and I ended up worse because I waited too long to get help. That's what I'm trying to prevent, so we can both still have some sort of life regardless of it.

I know, darlin'. We'll just have to rewrite what normal is for us now, that's all. We just need to make the most of when you're having the good days. My life's always been pretty basic and simple, so I'm gonna be content regardless. You were the one with the chaotic life. Is that the sort of 'normal' life you're hoping to get back to? Because I might need to pay Jax to fill my shoes sometimes. I'm a out and proud introvert, socializing and being out exhausts me. I prefer it in small bursts. So, maybe just when you need a Plus One. I'll leave the rest of the award-winning TV star stuff up to you. If you don't ration it a lil', though, I'm going to worry about you. I can't not.

You would tell me if there were things worrying you, right? You know you can tell me anything and it won't make me angry or upset? I'm not talking now while you're recovering and still not feeling well. But when things settle a bit and we try to find some sort of groove with what's changed that we didn't expect, I don't want you to stop talking to me to protect me. I don't know how to do any of this without you anymore and I don't want to either. That isn't my life anymore. You are. I'm not going to be doing most of that stuff while I'm sick, babe. I know I have to be very selective with what I can manage. I'm not going into this deluded or blindsided, okay?

I'm going to be home in a little while. Wanna have a little pseudo-date? By which, I mean chill out together in bed and watch a movie or something?

... yes? Just maybe not immediately? Don't get pissed or anything. I'm not saying I'm keeping things from you, I just mean that sometimes, it takes me time to even realise that I'm worrying about something. My head gets really full sometimes. The problem doesn't always clearly present itself until it's done a few chaotic laps around my head first. But okay... maybe there's some things that might help to talk out. That doesn't mean they're problems! Okay? Just a lil brain chaos.

Does Yoda shit the swamp? Hell yeah, I want a pseudo-date.

I'm not pissed, baby. I'm not going to get pissed. I haven't been pissed at any of this all the way through. Frustrated, yeah. At you? No. At me and at the situation. I'm not saying you have to talk to me about every all the the time, I just don't want you to forget you can or choose not to because you're trying to protect me from something. You trying to shoulder shit alone isn't protecting me. If I have a gut feeling something might be off, is it okay to ask you if it is? You can tell me you're not ready to talk or you don't know but is it okay to ask? I want to help with your brain chaos, not make it worse.

Not that I can personally fact-check that, but I'll take it as a yes.

Yeah. Course you can. Always. Might not always know the answer but you can always ask me anything. Can I ask you something, though? And I don't want you to answer straight away. Just think about it and we can talk when you get home. How come your brain ain't chaos right now, considering everything?

Then it's a date

[ FACEBOOK ] with Brandon Blake @ magicmoments

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

PRIVATE

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject