dreamlikenewyork | "Late nights got me staring into the moon."

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"Late nights got me staring into the moon."

Who: Reecy Chester-Wilson and Jude Willis
What: Late Night Deep-and-Meaningfuls
Where: Sydney, Australia
When: After this

The night sky was clear and covered in stars while the near-full moon cast a glittery streak across the surface of the ocean in the distance. There was something about the Australia sky that just seemed so much more crisp, clear, and fresh than Reecy had ever seen in her home country. She had a soft spot in her heart for this place, considering her baby brother in every way but blood was half-Australian. Though, some days, Justin seemed 100% Aussie. It had only really been since his real birth mother appeared that it was obvious how much of her genes he also shared. It was common for people to say Justin was Mark all over, which he was in so many ways, but you could see Alexis in his looks and there was no doubt all his musical and artistic talent came from her. Reecy thought Alexis was amazing and absolutely stunning. She wished she'd been able to spend more time with her and the way they would come to do that now was awful and made Reecy's stomach hurt far beyond even what the morning sickness was doing.

She picked up her wine glass and took a sip of the pretty decent non-alcoholic prosecco, trying to let the peaceful view of the ocean and beach beyond the backyard fence calm her. It wasn't really working. Her heavy heart was struggling with the enormity of knowing she had to try to visit Justin - and Sash - in the hospital tomorrow. It was unclear how his condition was and he didn't want visitors, though Justin's grandmother called her earlier and told her that Sash's mother was finally able to get to the hospital after all the covid roadblocks and Justin hadn't turned her away like he had been with everyone else. Right at this moment, even at this late hour, Mrs Stanford was still with both boys so no one really knew if she had any success breaching Justin's severe depression and grief trying to deal with the consequences of the car crash and hearing his dad had fallen off the booze wagon. Reecy was so worried about him. But she was also conscious she wasn't a blood relative and that trying to push Justin when he wasn't capable mentally or emotionally seeing people. He only ever shut down like this when he was having a severe episode with his bipolar or C-PTSD.

Further along the upper floor balcony where she had been sitting alone with her thoughts, she heard one of the glass doors slide up and Jude stepped out in just a pair of boxers and went over to lean on the railing, taking in a deep long breath and letting it out slowly. "How's the patient?" she asked, hoping she wouldn't startle him when he spotted her sitting there alone with only the moon and some fairy lights strung over the railing for light. "You look like you need a drink but I can't offer you anything with a kick, I'm afraid but it's as close to the real deal as you can get."

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Jude was used to sleep deprivation but add a healthy dose of jetlag to that and he was pretty sure parts of his brain were about to leak out of his ears. It had been ages since he was last on an overseas trip. He was pretty sure it was back when they all went to London for Clint and Lincoln's and Ange and Em's double wedding. He definitely wasn't a seasoned traveller so sleeping on a plane didn't come easy for him. He had to work an ER nightshift before their flight to Sydney, the plan being that he could sleep during the flight but shit didn't work out like that. He was tired and a bit moody, so he wasn't much company. Then about a third into the flight, Winston hesitantly told him he had a bad headache that felt like it was turning into a migraine. That's when Jude realised he was being a moody bitch because Winston admitted he didn't want to bother him with it when he was so tired from his shift. It was still early days of their relationship, they were learning each other and the last thing Jude wanted was Winston feeling like he could tell him if he was feeling unwell. Thankfully he did, though, because being on a plane with the cabin pressure, jumping timezones when it was the middle of the night back home in NYC, and probably being a bit dehydrated, Winston's headache morphed into a demon migraine. They regretted telling Reecy they wouldn't need a lift from Sydney airport to the house they were staying at, so the cab drive was a nightmare for Winston too. Despite being exhausted, Jude was right in nurse mode trying to help. He was glad they were finally here and Winston could sleep it off. But Melotonin wasn't even helping Jude sleep, damnit. At least the location they were staying was stunning, so he came out for some fresh air so he didn't disturb Winston while jetlagged insomnia had him by the balls.

Hearing Reecy's voice, Jude jumped, not expecting anyone else to be up at this hour. He smiled and came over to drop into the other sun lounge beside her. "I'm so fucking tired that my brain's forgotten how to sleep. We basically left straight for the airport after I finished a friggin terrible twelve hour shift, and even though that seemed like a good idea at the time, definitely didn't think to factor in that Winston might end up with a bad migraine from the long flight. The back half of the flight was rough. It's okay, though. His meds finally kicked in and he crashed. Didn't want to disturb him tossing and turning trying to get to sleep." He picked up the bottle sitting beside her and read the label. "Virgin prosecco, huh? Didn't even know that existed. I mean, I know it's not booze but sitting out here drinking alone in the dark? You okay? Is it Justin?"

Reecy offered a sympathetic nod because everyone staying there at this beach house had seen how awful Winston was feeling when they all arrived. Trey could especially sympathise because a migraine ended up taking him down the day after they got here and jetlag kicked in. Since Reecy married Kyan, she had seen how similar Trey and Winnie were when it came to migraines. Stress could have them both by the balls. Still, neither were thankfully hit as hard as Sash was. Reecy had seen him during one of his worst once and it was like he was having a stroke. "He wouldn't mind, you know. Winnie's an expert bed snuggler. Especially when he's got a migraine, he likes to be held. Pretty sure you both really, really need some sleep. This whole opposite side of the world jetlag is a total bitch." She rested her head against the back of the sunlounge with a sigh. "I don't know, babe. I'm supposed to see him tomorrow but he hasn't been in a good place. Sash's mom finally got in to see them earlier this afternoon but I haven't heard how it went or how she is. I don't know if she would even see Jus straight away or she'd just want to spend time with Sash for awhile first. Things are about as bad as they can be and there's nothing any of us can do to fix any of it. I keep trying to think what it must feel like to be a parent seeing your child so poorly but I...I can't." She reflexively put a hand on her stomach, shaking her head.

Looking over at Reecy, Jude's forehead creased as he contemplated what she said. He settled into the sun lounge, crossing his legs to maybe buy himself just a tiny bit of time before he answered. "Does he? We're still figuring each other out. It's been so long, I forgot what this new relationship stuff feels like." He nibbled on his lip and tried to figure out if he should ask what was running through his mind. Until he remembered this was Reecy he was talking to and of course he fucking should. But remembering that, he also realised he was a little anxious about the answer and in the grander scheme of everything going on - why he suddenly found himself in Australia with Winston - it wasn't really a priority. Only, maybe it was because this new relationship phase of things was such a small window and it could make or break how any of it progressed. "Are you... sure you're okay with this? With Winston dating me? Like, beyond a blind date and a hookup."

"You know, you said something similar in the days after Justin nearly drowned at Bondi. It was when things were in a bad place with him and his folks and you'd offered to be his carer, for him to go live with you. Pretty much when you and I were well and truly on the rocks too. But you've always been there for him. You see him as a little brother but you take care of him like a parent, love. You have from day one. You more than know how it feels to have someone you love like a child being so poorly. You know what it's like to have them nearly die. And I'm sure there's no pain like it because I see it written all over you just like I do the parents of the kids I see banged up in the ER. Justin would never want you to keep your distance, so don't think you need to just because he has other family that care about him just as much." He put his hand over hers and gave it a little pat.

A wave of mixed emotions hit Reecy as she listened to Jude's little pearls of wisdom and even though she felt that tightness in her throat and the sting in her eyes of wanting to cry, she couldn't help but give him a knowing smile. "Right back 'atcha, Willis. Winnie wouldn't want you to keep your distance just because you and I have a history. I can sense it, you know. Even though we've only briefly chatted by text, I kinda got the sense from Winnie that the whole new relationship horse had already bolted and things didn't take long to heat up with you guys. That something just worked with the chemistry between you. But here you are with those insecure doubts creeping back in for you when they shouldn't. At all. I mean it, bitch." She wrapped both her hands around his, holding it securely. "Now am I going to get some deets from one of the said horses' mouths or what? I'll get his side when he stops projectile vomiting and bitching everyone out in a hundred feet radius because his head makes him feel like he's dying. But I want yours. Without the self-doubt that you and I once saw a hell of a lot of each other naked and now you're all about sexy introverted journalist dick," she added, giving him a mischievous smirk.

But then she shook her head. "And no, before you ask, I'm not changing the subject. I just... don't really know how to process any of this with Smooshie. I'm trying but failing. As horrible as it sounds, all the other stuff, his mental illnesses and his trauma, we know what to expect and we know the why. But this? It's fucking senseless. There's nothing we can say to him or do for him to reassure him it will be okay when no one will give a prognosis on Sash. There's still a chance that rather than recovering, he'll just slip away. And Smooshie's injuries, they can't say if he'll be able to dance again. He's always been a fighter but only because he's had something to fight for. You take away his performing and the love of his life, then what? What do you say to those families in the ER when it seems like there's no hope?"

Jude couldn't help but laugh at how Reecy was calling him out, like she always would. "Just for the record, it's the whole sexy introverted journalist that I'm hot for, not just his dick," he clarified with a smirk of his own. "Okay, yeah. We've decided to make it official, though we both know it's a matter of seeing how compatible our lives can be. There was definitely a lot of chemistry but mostly I think we just went in with open minds knowing there was a lot of water under the bridge and a lot had changed since we last spent any length of time in each other's company. We talked a lot and we had a bit too much to drink, so I know that helped initially. I personally didn't make any presumptions while there was booze on the go and I think Winston being a lightweight, he kind of went from sober to tipsy to really drunk on a quick trajectory. I was really conscious then that his inhibitions would be gone so I wasn't measuring any particular success of the date with any of that. Still, before he got sick, we talked about a lot of personal stuff. Then it was just nursing him through the hangover and when he was feeling better the next day, I checked to see how much he remembered and it was pretty much everything. There wasn't any anxiety or awkwardness. It was just easy. He's a sweetheart. I think it's the easy that's throwing me a little. Even you and I, we were heated and fiery in the early days. You were awesome at playing hard to get. I don't feel any resistance with Winston, save for him being embarrassed about the whole migraine and hangover thing, which isn't a big deal, of course. I'm a nurse. He knows that. He lets me do my thing. Easy is just a little intimidating because I've never really felt that in an early relationship before. I mean, is it easy because he's just so easygoing or is it because you've asked him to give me the benefit of the doubt...?" He cleared his throat, feeling a little hesitant just putting his insecurities out there before he'd talked them out with Winston.

"It's not my job to give anyone hope, love. It's not my job to see beyond that shift. That hour, that minute, that moment. That's how I can cope with doing that job, taking it moment by moment and being what my patients need for each of them. If I had to give you any advice, that's all it would be. Especially for a patient with mental illness like Justin, who at his very core struggles with having hope or seeing himself very far in the future. And the thing about just taking it moment by moment is it's easy to handle. The bigger picture, sometimes it's impossible to see or even cope with looking at in the thick of a trauma or shock. Don't go in thinking about prognoses. Just go in and find out what he needs from you right then. You know him well enough to wing that. If he needs to talk, listen. If he doesn't, just be there. If he needs a hug, give him one. If he can't handle touch or closeness, just be present. Gradually, you'll go through each moment and help him get through his, which will probably be feeling so fucking long and so fucking quick all at the same time. That's one thing I do know, and what you know too... time feels different when you're in pain." He patted her hand and offered a small sympathetic smile. He had loved her through many moments of terrible heartache for Justin. He knew what she was going through.

Reecy bit her lip but now with pregnancy hormones in the mix, it wasn't as easy to fight back the urge to cry when she was choking up and she pressed at the corners of her eyes to stop the tears falling before she pointed to Jude. "That. That's why I trust you with my boy," she told him, the words catching in her throat. It was impossible not to get emotional with what Jude was saying about Justin, with his absolutely perfect words and advice that she so needed to hear in that moment. "I know you think you caused me more hurt and heartache than anything else, babe, but you're wrong. You couldn't be more wrong. We might not have worked out together as a couple but I never thought you were a bad person. I don't fall in love with bad people. Flawed people, sure. But not bad and there's a universe of difference. You punished yourself enough for the hurt you thought you caused me. You didn't deserve any of it. I always knew you were a kind soul with a huge heart, the sort of people my dad always told me I should try to surround myself with. I've always known how you cared for Lorenzo and Holly, for Billy and Ajay. I saw how hard you worked to finish your nursing degree and then you finished your Masters. Our relationship not working out after all that we went through losing our twins, then you losing your way for awhile, none of that can erase you being an innately good and genuine person unless you let it turn you into an asshole. You didn't. You took that pain and got better. That's why I'm sure I'm okay with you and Winnie being whatever you become. I just want it to be the whole deal because you both deserve it. So, no, it's not easy because I asked him to give you the benefit of the doubt. Because there's no doubt. He doesn't let me dictate his romantic relationships anymore than I let him dictate mine. That's a pact we made together a long time ago. We trust each other's opinions but that's all it is. He hasn't asked me for my opinion on this, babe. He doesn't need to, he's made his own mind up. Don't let the cute introversion throw you. Winnie's one of the best judge's of character I've ever known and he knows pretty quick what fits him and what doesn't. If you didn't, that date wouldn't have made it beyond an hour or two, trust me." She leaned over and kissed Jude's cheek, then softly patted it when she returned to her spot. "Soooo... you gonna tell me how many times on that way-more-than-an-hour-two date you two banged? C'mon, throw me a bone. Pun very, very much intended, of course. The bitch hasn't told me anything yet."

"So, I've gotta get out of my own way, huh? I just want you to know, though, that it's not at all lost on me how huge it is that you trust me to date your ride or die BFF. I just have to ditch this niggling inner voice that's trying to tell me he's too good for me and I don't deserve him. Because I actually haven't felt this good in a long time. He makes me smile and laugh. I can't stop thinking about him. It kinda blew my mind how well the date went. And I'm not even talking about the sex, even if that was amazing too," Jude laughed, reaching his arm behind his head to use it as a pillow. "Shit, I don't even think we were keeping track. Do you mean like a proper fuck? A few times over the couple of nights we stayed at the hotel. But there was other stuff too. It wasn't a huge deal, though. It more just naturally progressed there in between talking a lot, chilling out, relaxing, watching tv, just lying in bed and keeping each other company. We took a couple of showers together. Sex was really just the added bonus in the middle of connecting and finding a rhythm together. I really missed that kind of intimacy. I don't wanna say too much because I know he'll tell you more when he's feeling better. There's definitely a couple of important things he needs to talk to you about that aren't my place to spill, you know? Don't give me that look. Some things are just BFF territory."

"Yes. You do. Otherwise, you'll be in his way too, so don't do that. You're both too beautiful to let yourselves miss out because of that nonsense. Enjoy it. There's far too much shit in this world to miss out on the good stuff if you don't have to. Trust me, I'm talking from experience here. I was spending far too much time in my own way once and it almost made me miss what was right under my nose with Ky. Not many people in this world manage to find a person who just fits them and if they do, then it does feel easy and right when it happens. That doesn't mean we can just leave our demons at the door, I know that for sure. But with the right person, the demons don't win as much because you have someone to fight against them with. A partner in crime. And as your ex-partner in crime, I'm telling you to let yourself have this. Okay?" Reecy picked up her glass again but had almost gotten all the way through the bottle already, she had been out here thinking that long. Thank fuck it wasn't alcoholic. "Not even keeping track of the sex? Day-um, boy. That says it all. But I know our Winnie is a silent sexbomb assassin in the sack like Ky is. It's the ones you always think would be vanilla who turn out to be a whole damn sundae with a cherry on top. I know he was kicking himself about the insta-hangover at the time but they can't have all the good qualities. He's still an epic lightweight and if he's a bit nervous, he'll drink more and that can be counterproductive but you nailed it taking him to that hotel for the date. Even though I know you definitely didn't presume sex by doing it and it was all because it was a book-themed hotel you thought he'd like. But it gave him the private space to chill and connect, which you can never go wrong with for an introvert. Did you realise both you guys and Ky and I both had our first big relationship moments in a hotel when we weren't anticipating it? Kismet, baby. Should I be worried about this... whatever he wants to talk to me about? It sounds like a pretty big deal. He wouldn't tell me by text, no matter how much I was nudging him to. I'm nervous. I don't know if I can take any more massive emotional hits at the moment. I've barely processed that I'm knocked up when it was one billion percent unexpected."

Jude smiled, first to himself before he looked over at Reecy fondly. "Can always rely on you to give me a kick up the ass when I need it. Seriously, though, I didn't think about it like that. I didn't mind at all how drunk he got on the date. It was adorable, even if I'm sure he thinks it was all just him being unfabulous and embarrassing. It really wasn't. He just went from tipsy to pukey really quickly, like his body was just all, 'Right, that's enough of that silly nonsense'. Plus, we were mixing drinks, which is kryptonite to the best of us. I was hungover in the morning too. It was amazing, though, Reec. Despite that minor glitch, it was incredible and I had zero expectations of it just going so well. I didn't expect it to go bad or anything, I just didn't want to preconceive anything, knowing there was a history we had to work through and figure out if that was something we could leave in the past. Even then, we did talk about all that sort of stuff and even some about the future, but it didn't feel hard or strained at all. Maybe I'm just a bit scared to really let myself hope. Does that make sense? I mean, Renz said something like, maybe Winston and I were always meant to be, it was just timing that was out of whack. Until now. It's nice to think about I don't know. That kind of stuff always seems to be what happens to other people, not me. Seriously, this isn't a pity party or anything. We just need more time alone together to keep figuring things out. We haven't had much, even if he was staying at my place the few days before we left. I was working and he was getting some work things finalised for submission before we could fly out."

He laughed because he knew if Reecy thought she could get away with milking him for details, she would keep digging but she always respected the BFF Code. "You don't need to stress. It's a big deal but it's not bad news or anything. Things he really needs to talk to you about anyway, so leave the ball in his court. But what about you guys? You and Kyan? I don't really know the full story how you guys finally realised you were soulmates and right there under each other's noses too. I think people have been worried it would hurt me to hear about but not at all. I'd love to know that, what - Keecy, Ryan - origin story. All I know was it happened when you guys went on a press tour together when Justin couldn't. And knowing Kyan as I do, I doubt he would've made the first move knowing you were Autumn's best friend."

"Do you wanna know one really fucking big lesson I learned about hope, babe? It's not about us. It's about the people around us. The people close to us, the people we want close to us, and who we want to share life with. Which means, you have to let them meet you in the middle with it. You can't really get there without them. Maybe the reason you're scared to hope is because you've been too scared to let people close again? Which is okay. That can happen after we've been hurt and gone through things. But if there's one lesson I've learnt from Smooshie, it's that you've got to get back on the hope horse or life will just trample you and make it harder and harder to get back up. I know what it's like to be scared to hope. So damn much, it takes my breath away. I've had this strange tightness in my chest and throat ever since the pregnancy test turned positive because this is a hope I completely wrote off and I'm not used to how any of it feels. But it's happened, completely out of the blue. Like Smooshie said about the day he met Sash after he was completely numb after Bondi... 'I don't know what it was that I was feeling but I knew I had to feel it'." Reecy took Jude's hand again, keeping a hold of it this time. "He's right there, babe. And if Winnie's still there and hasn't noped out of it at the first moment he can, then he's all-in. You just have to let yourself feel it again. And it won't be the same as how you remember. That's what I learnt with Ky. It wasn't like I ever felt before and somehow, that's how I knew it was right because whatever was before, it hadn't worked. It wasn't that I wished never felt anything before, it's that everything before helped me find what really fit. And maybe it's too soon, but I think just from some of the things you're saying, you're feeling something different, aren't you?"

Far in the distance, she could see the moonlight reflecting on the surface of the ocean. The glass balcony fence meant this place didn't lose the benefit of the ocean views. It was a freaking beach mansion on Sydney Harbour and Justin and Sash owned it together. Sometimes, she still had these total WTF moments, no matter that she had known Justin before he was even made Broadway breakout status. It felt like so long ago. She rested her head back and exhaled deeply, letting the surroundings calm her. "It's so beautiful here. It's easy to think, even about the things I'm not sure I want to think about so much. Ky and me, is... shit, it's a hell of an origin story. Funnily enough, also involves some pretty spectacular drunk puking. Only my Prince Charming wasn't very charming at all. He was grieving and miserable. He smashed his way through half the hotel bar and chased it down with a whole minibar. I think maybe the strongest things get started with the not-so-easy stuff, you know? The history, grief, loss, trauma... working through that. We were in Colorado. His hometown. We went back to his childhood home where he nursed his mom, then went to visit her grave. It was only after the fact, when he'd sobered up, he opened up and confided in me that... she was an assisted death." She wet her lips and looked over at him, softly tapping his knuckles. "That's not public knowledge. I'm only telling you because you're a nurse and I know you'll understand."

Jude puffed his cheeks out with a held breath and then let it out in a rush. "Well, fuck, hey. I'm pretty sure a brain shouldn't be built to deal with deep-and-meaningfuls when sleep-deprived and jet-lagged but holy shit, did I need to hear all this, love." He drew his lower lip between his teeth and before continuing, he looked up at the stars, letting all of Reecy's words sink in and log away somewhere safe where he knew he would call on them again later when he was alone with a lot to think about. "I think that level of introspection Justin often gets lost in only comes when you've nearly lost your life. And he's been there multiple times. I can say without a shadow of a doubt, doing the job I do, I see that sort of thing in people who have been through a lot of trauma. Like, Jace, Lincoln, Lewis, Brandon. They just see life differently. It's really fucking heavy and a kid Justin's age shouldn't have it. He does, though, and seriously, that's... fuck. I think that's exactly where I'm at. I don't know what I'm feeling but I have to feel it. It's not bad feelings at all, just intense. I mean, I know you set us up and kinda eased us into it but I don't think either of us really expected it would fit. Whatever I'm feeling, it's intense and I guess I... I'm scared he's not feeling the same. Winston's a sweetheart and he's so laidback but he's not easy to read. He has this, like, mysterious mischievousness to him and it's fucking adorable. But it's new and it feels a lot like maybe deep down, he's my type and I just never knew it before? I feel like I'm talking shit. Do I sound like I am? Sorry, my brain's fried. Being on sick bucket duty and just wanting to help him in any way I can. Do you think he's in the middle with me? The hope thing, I mean? Reec... how are you? Like, really deep down, I mean? With the baby? I wasn't sure it was my place to ask. It's a massive thing to adjust to when you thought it wasn't something you wanted to do again."

He stared at her, falling into a stunned silence he really didn't mean to do. He blinked, trying to take in what she just said. "You mean, Kyan helped his mom pass?" He took a few more moments before he went on. "You know that Peyton help Andi, yeah? I mean, I assume Justin would've told you once Sasha found out. I know it was a shock for him. Peyton and I work together a lot and we've talked about it. I mean, fuck, it's even something Billy spoke to me about when he was going through chemo and he was at his lowest. There's no easy way to face any of it and I'm honestly not surprised Kyan got smashed when the pain was brought back up being back in his hometown. I know you'd want to do nothing but protect him and take care of him. You guys are perfect together. In every way. I'm glad you found each other."

"I think the question is, are you in the middle with him? Jude, sweetie, you're right in the fact that Winnie's a sweetheart and he's laidback. You're also bang on the money about the mysterious mischievousness... sort of. Like, I can see how you might read it as that but that's not really what you're seeing. He's just comfortable with you. He's an open book. When he's comfortable with someone, he's relaxed. He's playful, he's cheeky. If he wasn't, he would be a closed book. His introvert walls would be up. When they are, he's much more reserved. He'd be overly playing it safe. There wouldn't have been dates that last for two nights and trips to the other side of the world together within days of it." Reecy held her hands up, shaking her head. "Uh-ah. Before you give me the whole 'These are extraordinary circumstances' spin, that still wouldn't matter with Winnie if he wasn't feeling this. The extra-long date, the asking you to come on this trip with him? Hell, the letting you be on sick bucket duty when he usually doesn't want anyone near him when he's unwell, even. That, my beautiful-but-sometimes-basic-ex, is Winnie in the middle with you. All-in. Maybe as in the middle with someone as I've ever seen him. So, let yourself keep feeling whatever it is you're feeling until you get to that amazing moment when you can finally identify what it is. It's never just one thing and it's never black and white. And it's okay if you need reassurance on all of this. That doesn't make you behind the relationship 8-Ball. We all need that when we're getting back on the love horse. Which sounds way dirtier than I intended it to. I can't even blame the preggo hormones for that one."

She put her hand on her stomach, looping the tie of her silk PJ bottoms around her finger when she went quiet again, thinking on Jude's question about the baby. "You have a place, okay? Of course, you do. You're still Billy's big brother and he's like another brother to me, just like Smooshie is. Just now even more so because Winnie is the Robin to my Batman. He's going to be my baby's godfather or whatever more appropriate label we decide on for that. Ky and I are in the process of trying to figure out how we are. Beyond terrified, I mean. Not of having a baby but of everything that could go wrong again. See, what I said about hope? It doesn't quite carry over into having a baby when you have a really bad miscarriage and complicated abortion in your past. The heart and the uterus are two very different organs, I've realised. I was never much a fan of the latter, only now I have to put a lot of faith into it when I've spent many months trying to pretend it doesn't exist. Maybe not all that different to the heart after a breakup, huh? Just, losing a child and losing a relationship are two very different sorts of heartbreak. Which you know. But that's the thing with Ky. Something like assisted dying, it's the same sort of pain. We've got each other's backs. It's just getting over the shock of the surprise and taking it little by little so it doesn't all feel like such a massive mountain to conquer. It's another reason why I need to see Smooshie. Even without realising it, he grounds me. I'm so scared for him and Sash, it's hard to think about much else. If Sash doesn't make it, Justin's gone too. He won't make it back.I just really have to see him."

"I don't want him to think that any of my insecurities about any of this are because of him. I made that mistake way too many times with you, letting you feel like my issues were your fault or because you didn't matter enough. I'm a different person now, I won't repeat past bad mistakes. But I guess I'm still scared I will. It's weird that it's been so easy to focus on living life in-the-moment when I'm single and getting my life back on track but the minute someone romantically comes into it again, I start losing my footing and worrying about fucking it up again. In a way, I suppose I've just been trying to make sure he has an out if he decides doing this with me is more than he bargained for. Saying that out loud, it sounds dumb." Jude drew his lips together and listened to the sound of the ocean in the distance as he finally let himself analyse where his mind had been turning since he and Winston's very successful date. "Trying to protect him from me. Old habits die hard. The worst part? I never wanted to hurt you, Reec. Ever. The fact I did, I'll always have to live with. But I'm so fucking conscious of not wanting to do that to anyone else. But I'm also so hooked on him already. Like, it's making my head spin that he's giving me butterflies and that I can't stop thinking about him. We just clicked and I think he's amazing. His smile, the way he laughs, the incredible achievements in his career, how insightful and caring he is. All the things you are. All the things I still feel like I'm not good enough for." He shrugged with a soft sigh, feeling a massive hit of vulnerability saying this stuff out loud. It was also weird that it just happened to be Reecy who was easiest to say it to now.

He got up and went to sit on the end of Reecy's sunlounge, putting his hand over hers. "You're terrified of losing them both. Justin and your baby. I don't have any advice for that beyond telling you that it's okay to be feeling so scared, it feels like it's suffocating you. Especially at a time like this. Sometimes, there's just no words of wisdom that'll cut it. What I do know is that against all odds, no matter what he's going through, Justin will always try his best to make sure his big sister's okay. And when he sees that she's not, he's going to know exactly what to say. The only way Justin gets through life is taking it a moment at a time and maybe that's what you need to do right now. Just one little uterus-nurturing moment at a time. How about I make you some tea? Isn't that supposed to help everything feel a little bit better?"

"Tea sounds perfect. Let's do that. I'll come with you." Reecy hooked her fingers around Jude's and gave them a squeeze before she shifted to unfold herself from the sunlounge. She gestured for him to lead the way and re-tied the sash of her robe at her hip. It was strange to think she might need to buy maternity clothes soon. She didn't want to let herself go too far down that train of thought just yet. She still wasn't convinced her body would come through on this again. "He's not going to think that, hon. The last thing he'll expect is you coming into this with no past. On the contrary, he knows your past so you guys don't have to go through that uncomfortable part of the equation. It's already hashed out. You've got it so bad for him already. If we were anywhere else but here - and for the reason we're here - I'd say, okay, play it on the safe side. Take your time and wade in from the shallow end. But we're here because two kids we all love so much nearly died in a terrible accident. If now isn't the time to take some risks with your heart and just enjoy what's coming your way after everything, when is? And Winnie's really amazing to just enjoy, honeybunch. You know I wouldn't just say that to blow smoke up your ass. I'd be the first to try to hold you off if I thought you'd hurt him. What happened with us happened to bring us both to where we are now and because of that, none of it was meaningless. None of it was senseless either. It was just life. And life can be the most terrifying when it's the most amazing. Okay? Trust me? Believe in your own words. It's okay to be feeling scared. That doesn't stop it being right."

Reecy would always have this way of giving Jude so much food for thought. She was one of those free spirits who saw depths to the world that not everyone was lucky to understand. Justin had it too, even more so than Reecy, and that was likely why they had connected from day one and had such fierce love and protection for each other. Reecy had so much on her plate right now but she was still giving him the time of day to offload the chaotic overthinking knot in his head. They went back into the house via the glass doors of the room Jude and Winston were sharing at the beach house, Reecy taking his hand and giving his fingers a little encouraging tug as they stepped over the threshold. Winston was still crashed out, stripped down to his boxers and lying on his stomach diagonally with his head on Jude's pillow. It was a different position to what Jude left him in and he had kicked all the sheets off onto the floor. The aircon was on but only on low because Winston said it would make his head worse. Even though he was sleeping, he was holding onto the red plastic salad bowl that had been standing in as a sick bowl since they got there. It had been the first thing Reecy managed to grab from the kitchen when Jude and Winston arrived from the airport and the first thing Winston said when they got in the house was that he was going to throw up again. It was empty now, though, thankfully, and that he was still asleep was a good sign. Hopefully, when he woke up, the migraine would be passing.

Jude saw the icepack Winston had on his head earlier had dropped down under his chin and was well and truly melted by now, so he unwrapped it from the teatowel so he could take it back downstairs to the freezer. He topped Winston's drink bottle up with some more Gatorade and diluted it with about 50/50 of water. He kissed Winston's bare shoulder and then very lightly his temple before heading out the other door into the hall leading to the main stairs. "How did you know that Kyan was the ultimate One?" he finally asked Reecy as they headed down the sprawling staircase that turned down into a gorgeous marble-floored foyer with a fountain in the middle. "Fuck, this place is gorgeous. Do you think Justin and Sash would ever want to live here? I wouldn't wanna ever leave if it was mine. Speaking of... I, um... I ask Winston to come stay with me. Like, as a trial for something more... permanent. But mostly only because he needs somewhere to live and I've got plenty of space."

Reecy stood by the door and quietly observed Jude with Winston, a soft smile on her face. Jude had always been a natural caretaker, a gift in himself he often underestimated or second-guessed when they were a couple. But since then, he had become a fully qualified Registered Nurse and was aiming for a Masters. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that her BFF/brother from another mother was in the very best hands in this new relationship with Jude. It was early days but she was pretty sure she knew a special thing when she saw it. "Oooo, you're going in hard with the curly questions this late at night, huh? A jetlagged brain isn't supposed to be that sharp," she joked, stepping off the stairs and into the foyer. She looked around, smiling proudly at the interior of what was effectively a multimillion dollar mansion, a fortune she had witness be made from the very ground up with a lot of blood, sweat, pain, and tears from Justin. "Never permanently. At least, not for many years down the track. Their lives are in the US and just between you and me, if Smooshie survives this, he has an extremely bright future as a performer in his crosshairs. Besides his tour, he had another massive offer before all this happened. If he and Sash can just survive this together, they would have so much to look forward to. So much to fight for. I don't doubt they'll spend long stretches of time here, though. Australia is not just in Jus's blood but in his heart and soul."

She sat down on one of the stools at the kitchen island and reached over to pluck a couple of grapes from the well-stocked fruit bowl. "That's a massive step. But Winnie's not a conventional person at all. I don't think he'd be expecting any sort of traditional relationship trajectory, and he does need a place to live. Well, we invited him to come stay with us but he balked at it. What did he say about it?" She leaned on the counter and rested her head on her hand, pointing to the cupboard above the microwave when Jude went looking for tea-making things. "I knew Kyan was the Ultimate One when he told me it didn't matter that we didn't have biological children when I told him I didn't ever want to be pregnant again. When he agreed to come all-in on the adoption thing with me. By that point, I'd already fallen so fucking hard and I was smitten but I guess the answer is when you wake up one day and realise that you're no longer just a sole person but a half of a bigger whole. When you think about the future and nothing about it anymore is by yourself."

Jude raised his eyebrows, intrigued. "Yeah? Actually now you mention it, I remember at the time Justin's tour was still scheduled, Billy made some sort of typical proud honourary big brother comment about an international tour being child's play for a kid gunning for EGOT status probably sooner rather than later. He's already got two out of the four. You'd think he'd want to move into movies or TV? I asked him that once when he was over visiting Billy when I still lived with them and the kid just laughed at me," he said, smirking. Justin did surely have a wicked sense of humour and the ability to see the funny side of things (no doubt passed down in his genes from a family of Aussie dudes with superb comedic timing) but he also played his cards close to his chest. What he did say was probably a drop in the ocean compared to what he was actually plotting, planning, and involved in behind the scenes. Whenever he made big announcements, nothing had ever been leaked beforehand. "Not that I'd expect you to spill his secrets to me but he could work anywhere. You'd miss him if he did ever move here. Sometimes, New York feels so fucking claustrophobic and chaotic. I'd imagine it could be overwhelming to someone who's manic. I hope he has the strength to keep fighting. Sometimes, even the strongest folk just don't anymore."

After a little bit of hunting, he found what he needed to get the tea started. Not an easy feat considering Jude's entire apartment would easily fit into the area this kitchen/dining area took up with room to spare. The house was even far bigger than Billy and Ajay's place on the Upper East Side that Ajay's rockstar royalty father bought them as a wedding present. "I mean, in my defense, I offered him the room - his own room - before I knew we were going to give this romance thing a go together. I know I don't need to justify anything because, well, it is New York and finding a decent place for a manageable cost is a pain in the ass. I have the luxury of renting off my brother and brother-in-law and they basically want next to nothing in rent, all things considered. It made sense that Winston's should be able to take advantage of that. Plus, considering my twelve-hour rotational shifts, more often than not it would be like had the place to himself a lot of the time because even when I work nights, I sleep in the day. He'd still have his introvert privacy and breathing space. That was the biggest reason I asked, knowing our work schedules wouldn't align all the time and it would still give us a way to have time together, in the early relationship phase and all that. He said yes, basically just pointing out that we get along great and enjoy each other's company, so whatever else comes is a bonus. I'm nervous as hell doing the whole assessing our relationship compatibility and our living together compatibility concurrently. But there was this really smart person once upon a time who said it was never that I was difficult to live with, so there is that." He gave her a smile, checking the fridge for milk. "Oh hell, there's about eight different types of milk in here. Are you still a full-cream cow's milk gal? So, here's a curly question that probably doesn't have a straightforward answer... did you think you had deeper romantic feelings for him well before you realised you were falling for him? You guys were always close and you and I had been split for awhile when you started dating Ky. Can't say I'd blame you, he's a real life Prince Charming. I feel like I could be at risk of self-sabotage with my insecurities but I really don't want to be..."

"Oh yeah, we all used to speculate about it when we were on Footloose together. You spend so much time observing him and watching how he does things, his natural talent becomes obvious. I mean, don't get me wrong, he works so fucking hard and he's not just out there doing from the space of talent alone but the way he interacts with music and the process of performing at such a young age, it's not something the rest of us will ever get to without years of experience under our belts. He draws on his misfiring emotions to strengthen that emotional connection with music you need to perform like that. If he wants to move into TV or movies, it's there for the taking for him. After all this, though, I'm not sure if he'll bounce back enough to want to. I guess it depends a lot on how Sash is long-term, what level of care they both need going forward. He only ever showed interest in writing music for screen, not necessarily being a screen actor. We asked him about it a lot but he leaned more to wanting to write and produce his own music first. It was something I was planning on chatting to him about when he got back from camping. He told me wanted to. Then all this happened. He might not be able to dance professionally, so his stage career will be called to question at some stage. It'll just be way too soon and need to wait. The offer was from someone who could be willing to wait s long as it takes, though. It's just timely because of his age." Reecy helped by spooning some sugar into the mugs, watching Jude make himself at home in the kitchen. So much had changed, it was surreal to be living it in the moment. "It's not about secrets. Smooshie's always knows we all chat amongst us about things he's up to. He's never minded. He's not precious like that. This had only just happened for him, so he didn't even get the chance to contemplate it much himself, let alone make any choices. Poor kid. Sash is his rock, they've carried it all together since they started dating. Smooshie will be feeling stuck on the stormy seas without a life raft. He'll always deteriorate until he has something to anchor to."

She smirked and shook her head. "Why not just share a room, though? You're already having sex and that's mostly why we share beds anyway, isn't it? Maybe it's quick but you make your own timeline. Winnie's no prude, he wouldn't see a need to have a separate room or anything. It makes sense. Things happen out of our control that leads or guides us to do stuff unconventionally. I think it's adorable as fuck. I can see how bashful you are about all this and I don't think its solely down to it being me you're talking to about it. Ky and I didn't take that long to move in together either, you know. It made sense when we wanted more time together. Life can be fucking terrible sometimes, we have to make our happiness however we choose. And you both deserve the happiness. Plus - and I'm totally biased with my matchmaking skills - I know you suit each other and are compatible. If you weren't that date wouldn't have gone as well as it did. Don't overthink it. Don't overanalyse the situation. Just try it and see how it goes. Yeah, definitely a cow's milk gal." She laughed, sliding the mugs back over the counter to him. "I absolutely had fucking deeper romantic feelings for Ky before I let myself understand I was falling for him. I was scared it would complicated our friendship or it would ruin it altogether. I was gun-shy like you are now, I didn't want it all to go wrong. I knew we were very different. But no matter how much my brain tried to play tricks on me about it all, I couldn't deny the feelings and what was happening between us. It would just been delusion and I couldn't let delusion make important decisions for me. It felt so right and comfortable, so that was new. I was used to chaos and complicated, you know? Nothing about Ky is chaos or complication. That's why he grounds me so much."

"Do you miss working with him? I know things are totally awesome for you and Kyan for Dirty Dancing and were basically made for the role but I know the whole dynamic with the OG Footloose bunch was pretty special. You all protected him and took care of him, even if he was, like, technically leading everything. I remember how devastated you were the first time you heard he attempted suicide. This is just as hard, I know. An accident like this, it affects more than just the victims of the accident. There's no way of knowing an accurate prognosis. You can't predict if there'll be complications or issues with healing or rehabilitation. And that's only considering Sash waking up. The aneurysm alone could've killed him. The longer he's unconscious, the worse his prognosis could get. All things that are no doubt spinning around and around in Justin's head constantly. Any of us would struggle to cope, let alone a kid with an already disabling mental illness. You've got that look all over you, that you feel so useless. But what I also know is you're his big sister in every way but blood and he's always opened up to you. Just being there will help him. You're not useless, hon. You need to try to stop stressing so hard. You have to take care of you and the bub. But I know that's easier said than done. As soon as Winston's head is feeling better, he'll be on hand to be your BFF rock. That's pretty much why we came over. Not to mention that you picked one of the best husbands in the business. I know he'll make sure you're taken care of." The kettle finished boiling so Jude filled the kettle, gave the tea leave a little stir, before leaving the teapot to steep.

He scooped up the mugs, milk, and sugar to take them over to the large living area that was skirted by a large modular sofa that faced outwards to another large window with views of the water. He put everything on the coffee table and flopped onto the sofa. "Yeah, yeah. I know that rationally now. I've just been overthinking everything too much. We're definitely going to share a room. Things have progressed since I offered him the room anyway. It's nice he's letting me take care of him and I love listening to him talk. It's nice and it's easy. I guess I've just been conscious about not wanting to rush things in case it goes wrong. But it doesn't even feel like it's rushing. So, what you're saying is, if it feels right, maybe it just so happens to be right and that's okay? We should just get the fuck outta our own way and enjoy it? I mean, you're nailing it, so who am I to deny the advice?"

Reecy nodded with a wistful smile. "I do. A lot. I miss all the old crew. But we've grown up a lot since those days, we're all different people. Justin's different in that he understands his illnesses more now, so he knows what he can achieve. He lets his strengths guide him so the weaknesses he has from being so unwell are buffered much more than they were. I'm hoping to still work with him again if he recovers to perform again. He asked me to do backup vocals on the album he had in the works. He's been writing music for an album simultaneously to working with Will writing his book. This accident couldn't come at a worst time. But the thing in, he could retire tomorrow and still be completely set for life. If Sash is going to have a permanent TBI, Smooshie might choose to retire and be his carer. I don't think it's off the cards. It'll definitely be one of many things going around in his head and honestly... if it were Kyan and I in Sash and Smooshie's place, I'd probably do the same thing. Wouldn't even think twice about it. He means more to me than my career ever will. Music is Smooshie's medicine, though. I don't think he can remain stable without doing something performance related. He came close to quitting it all after Bondi. Any trauma re-opens old wounds for him."

"Having sex and wanting to share a bed isn't really rushing things, babe. It's just two consenting adults enjoying being together. It's all the other relationship stuff that can - and will - take time. But even then, there's no right or wrong way to do it. You go at a pace you're both comfortable with and that's all that matters. When you're living a life that is busy and has countless other things going on around you, you shape it as you go. Thinking about what shape you want that to be, wanting to look forward and not back, that's okay. You should be contemplating it. I think if it was wrong, by now you'd both be getting the gut feeling it was. This is why I wanted to lay all the cards on the table for you both right up, so things that don't need to be obstacles are packed up and left behind where they belong. Leaves room for the better things and the better things are really freaking amazing. It clicks into place like two puzzle pieces. You might both be different to one another and bring different pasts to the table, but that doesn't mean you won't fit together." She laughed and shrugged. "Hey, I'm far from an expert. But getting out of your own way is probably peak advice at this point in a relationship. Winnie's a lot like Ky in that it takes a lot for something to be an issue for them. It makes it easier to stop and smell the roses. Hell, they make you want to sit and watch the roses grow. That's what it's all about."

Jude wasn't foreign to that mask of worry Reecy got when she was concerned about Justin. He saw it many times when they were dating and had been with her on some of the occasions she got terrible phone calls that Justin had harmed himself again. She had confessed to him early on in their relationship that she knew she would never be able to fully shake a streak of inner fear she always had that any one of those next phone calls might be the one notifying her Justin had lost the battle. She'd had bad dreams about being at his funeral. "Knowing him as you do, what do you think he'll do? If Sash wakes up and even if it comes to light he has permanent damage from the brain injury. Do you think Justin would return to being a performer? It's what keeps him alive. It might be the worst thing for him to retire and step out of the spotlight. The spotlight isn't why he does it. It's just a byproduct of why he does. I get it, though. Any time I've been on an ER shift and he's come to us, whether from self-harming or complications of his illnesses or treatments, he says he wants to quit. Not quit music. Quit 'being him', is how he put it. I know we have to take assume that is verbiage of suicidal ideation or intention but I always wondered if it just meant he was tired of trying to be Justin Campbell, the global superstar, when he was suffering being Justin Campbell, the severely mentally unwell and scared teenager. Do you still lie awake at night stewing on that stuff or has it gotten easier since he met Sash and settled a little?"

"That's the thing, though. The pace does feel fast with us, it just doesn't feel like fast is a bad thing. It's almost like having that history with you for both of us, we've been able to bypass some of that early dating bullshit. The small talk, the getting to know each other from scratch. We already know enough to jump ahead a few levels and it feels good. It feels safe and peaceful, which does scare me. I've never really had anything safe and peaceful. But it does feel like what I witness Renz getting with Lew when they met. For want of a better analogy, yeah, just like puzzle pieces go together easily without needing to figure out where they go or having to force them to fit. I want to live with, I want to share a bed with him, have all those domestic comfort things with him. That's secondary, though. Primarily, it's just because I want him close and to spend as much time with him as I can. It just seems that the overreaching general consensus of the world is going too fast isn't the best thing. Then again, I know people where it's been the best thing for them and they're still going strong." He sat forward so he could pour the tea for them, making Reecy's mug for her first and handing it to her. "Winston's clearly a sensitive person and I'd say he's huge on the gut feeling thing. Do you think he'd be getting it by now if it was going to happen? And more, would he tell me if he was? For me, I can really see a future with him."

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"Late nights got me staring into the moon."

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