dreamlikenewyork | "Take a breath, I pull myself together. Just another step until I reach the door..."

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"Take a breath, I pull myself together. Just another step until I reach the door..."

Who: Sam and Mark (with Justin and Sasha)
What: "If it takes you forever, I want you to know if you fall, stumble down, I'll pick you up off the ground."
Where: A private hospital in Sydney, Australia
When: Following this, this and this

Being a cardiothoracic surgeon, Sam wasn't unfamiliar with ICUs but he would never get used to visiting family members in them. The Campbell family had been dealt more than its fair share of blows over the years but this life-threatening car accident that had now landed both Justin and Sash in one, with no one really coping that well with the new, was one of the biggest blows Sam felt. It was definitely a bigger struggle in the wake of being told he had cancer, but he was holding onto the reassurance that it was one of the most treatable forms. It was going to be awhile before he started responding to treatment and began to feel physically better, though. He could do without his IV pole proper right now.

Still, he knew it was a necessary evil. Grateful that he could be mobile with it and had the green light from his admitting doctor to go to the ICU for a bit. Regardless of the circumstance, he knew Mark wasn't in a good headspace and that meant no matter how wiped out Sam was feeling, his place was at his twin's side and the first step was checking if he was okay. Their mum had left Sam a note while he was asleep that Justin had been rushed back to surgery. If Mark was barely holding up before then, he would be in a tougher place now.

He waited until the nurses allocated to monitoring Justin and Sash's connected rooms gave him the all-clear to go in but hesitated just a moment or two at the door when the sight of Justin and Sasha confronted him. He didn't let himself get stuck on it. Guiding the IV pole into the room, he sat down in the vacant chair by the one Mark was slumped in at Justin's bedside. He didn't say anything, he just put his hand on Mark's shoulder.

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Even if Sam's hand was gentle and careful coming to rest on Mark's shoulder, it still jolting him out of the deep and dark storm of complicated thoughts he was lost in. He jumped, putting his hand on his chest. "Jesus fucking Christ, you scared the living shit out of me. Fuck..." He exhaled heavily and frowned at his twin. "What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be resting."

His gaze shifted up to the IV back and tube trailing down from it to the back of Sam's hand. How the fuck was he supposed to deal with not only Sam and Justin being ill but Sash in a critical condition with no guarantee he would pull through any of this. Even if he did, he'd suffered a brain injury. The outcomes of that could be infinite and disastrous. He went back to holding Justin's hand. He had spent the last hour moving between Justin and Sash, trying to make some sort of sense out of any of this. There was none. It just wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair.

"So are you," Sam countered but there was nothing accusatory in his tone. He hoped Mark had done what he needed and gone home to shower and change his clothes, maybe try to get a little sleep, but he expected him to be here, just where he found him. It was fortunate Justin and Sash could be admitted to the same ICU room. That was the benefit of a private hospital. It was a large room that had the ability to be separated into two, with a circular monitoring station for two nurses situated between the two large glass doors. Justin had a significantly less complicated medical apparatus network looming over him than Sasha. "How are you feeling? Physically, I mean."

Mark responded with a pained glance and then blinked slowly. "Touché, Sammy. Do you know it took me until about an hour ago to figure out the reason I feel so crook is you and not solely being hungover? So, I should ask you the same question. You okay to be here?" He couldn't object to Sam coming, though. He needed him. It was one of those life moments he needed him more than ever. He didn't feel so safe being alone. "I... I couldn't leave him. What if I lose him?" He looked back to Justin before Sam could see he was tearing up and shook his head to himself, frustrated that he could shake this feeling of dread and aching heaviness engulfing him.

"Me, hangover, stress, guilt, shame, shock, fear. Would make anyone feel unwaveringly crook." Sam patted Mark's back and managed to coax him to look back. They were twins, Mark never had to hide his tears from him but Sam knew what Mark's state of mind would be right now. He took a couple of sick bags from the pocket of his bathrobe that the nurse gave him before he headed out of the ward. "Came prepared. We probably need to have a conversation about this at some point. I don't need you to be okay, Sparky, but I can't blindside you. It was never my intention for that to happen. I need to start treatment soon and it's going to coincide with Jus and Sash's recovery process. I need you to know I'm still going to be here for you. Because I know you're not okay. You weren't okay before you even found out about my diagnosis. You have no idea how much I want to promise you Jus will survive this but we keep it real, okay? I need you to start talking to me. It doesn't matter where or how you start. Just that you do. We need to take care of you as much as you take care of us."

Screw his nose up, Mark twisted his lips in some sort of defence of feeling like talking about anything. Days like this, he felt like he spent too much energy in his life talking. It's how he made his millions, after all. It was the first thing that left him when his depression began to take hold. It wasn't that he wouldn't at Sam's nudging but there was no immediate identification of what he should - or wanted to - talk about. But talking wasn't actually going to alter Justin or Sash's immediate condition. All that could be done so far was done. Justin's condition had been serious until they sorted his internal bleeding out but he was stable now and should be through the worst. But Sash was another story. His unstable condition could rapidly deteriorate. Mark couldn't just not leave Justin, he wanted to be here for Sash if anything went wrong. He knew Sam would've connected those dots, though. "Can you have it here at this hospital? The chemo. I don't really bloody understand what you mean when you keep saying it's treatable... curable... however you put it. It's fucking cancer. A type they can't cut out of you. I don't get what I'm supposed to be reassured about."

Sam wondered if Mark knew just how alike he and Justin were with that expression. Justin did exactly the same scrunch of his nose and twist of his lips when he was confronted with a subject he wasn't sure he wanted to talk about. "I don't need to be in hospital for it. It'll be oral chemo in pill form. It doesn't necessarily mean it'll have less side effects but it's easier and I don't need to be in hospital for it. Hopefully a little less taxing than infusions. Luella's my gastroenterologist and she's referred me to the Oncologist Michelle saw and Tara's going to be consulting by video conferencing. I'm in good hands, Sparky." He analysed Mark for a moment, trying to assess if he would process what he said but it was worth a shot. He could always repeat things later if he needed it. "It's curable. It's one form that has been cured without chemo, by antibiotics. But I didn't respond to the antibiotics they prescribed when they found the H. Pylori infection. I got worse. It can be cured with chemo or radiotherapy. There's an extremely high success rate with treatment. I've got the best odds possible. It can be cured with treatment, that's what I've meant. Did I expect to be told my stomach bug had morphed into cancer? No. Hearing that scared the living shit out of me too. My wife died of cancer, I get how fucking horrible it is to hear a diagnosis like that. I lived the worst case scenario. But I just thought that--" He stopped, choosing not to finish that thought. Instead, he just sat forward and scanned Justin's monitors for a few moments, then turned to read Sash's.

"That I'd be there for you," Mark guessed quietly, managing to take a little comfort in the fact Sam was there and could read what any of these monitors meant. He trusted the doctors but Sam wouldn't censor or buffer what he could see. "I know, Sammy. I fucked up and let you down. One time you really need me and I can't keep my shit together. I feel like shit for falling off the wagon. Then I was so drunk, I got pissed at you and wasn't in any condition to deal with getting that call about Justin and Sash's accident. A fuck up of epic proportions, from all levels. I think my meds need looking at it and I'm going to see the doctor. I'll make an appointment after I talk to Alec about how I've been feeling. I've been sitting here trying to think when I started to feel... I don't know. 'Off' doesn't seem like the right word. I don't have episodes like Jus. But I think it's something to do with learning what really happened to him. Maybe delayed reaction. Whatever it is, I shouldn't have drank. The last thing I wanted to do was make you think I can't handle that you're sick and feel like you have go through that without me. Are they... what can you see from the readings?"

"You can't beat yourself up, Sparky. That'll just make getting back on recovery harder. Do you want to talk about it? For what it's worth, I expected you to struggle with what happened to him as a baby at some point. I've seen how you went into it all, from Alexis reaching out to you, getting the DNA confirmation, trying to make it as easy on Justin and Alexis as you could. You wouldn't want either of them to think it was hurting you or you were opposed to them having a relationship. None of that takes away the trauma of hearing the truth. It's such an obscure and unbelievable truth that there's no way you could know how to handle it, Sparky. You never do well with anything that causes your kids pain. You step up and you deal, but I know it kills you inside. What have you been feeling? Talk to me about it. Even if you don't know, just try," Sam coaxed, putting his hand on Mark's arm. After a beat or two, he took his hand to hold. "Justin's vitals are stable, his BP's a bit low but that's to be expected after the blood loss and anaesthetic. Sash's BP and pulse are both fluctuating a little. He's got a low-grade fever. That's not uncommon with brain bleeds. Jus is going to pick up something's not right with you, Sparky. How do you want to tackle that?"

Mark's headache and exhaustion weighed heavily on him, he frowned against as he looked over to Sash unmoving save for the rise and fall of his chest from the respirator. "It's not fair. Sash and his family shouldn't have to be going through this again. It was the very reason they didn't want Sash following in Martin's footsteps to be a racer. I hope they lock the fucking cunt who did this up and throw away the key. This swelling on his brain. What can it... how serious is it? Is there any chance he can come out of this okay?"

He did try to absorb and process what Sam was telling him. He'd probably need to hear it all again after he got some sleep. "Sammy, I'm just... so fucking angry that all the pain and trauma Jus survived wouldn't have happened if he wasn't taken from Alexis. He would've been loved and protected, not... not the horrific nightmare he had for years as a terrified and damaged kid. But I don't think it's anger anymore. I don't know. It's hard to explain. I don't know what to tell Jus. I don't want him to think finding out about Alexis is making me depressed. It's not. At all. I think she's incredible, I'm proud she's the mother of my son. But I... I really don't fucking know," he mumbled, burying his face in his hands with a deep sigh.

"Have you taken something for your headache?" Sam pulled a strip of Panadol out of his robe pocket and offered it to Mark. "Sparky, Sash might've died if that accident hadn't happened. I know it's such a pointless observation to make but he had a brain aneurysm that was leaking. It's likely he would've just thought it was another bad migraine and it would've killed him before we knew what was happening. It's not going to be a comfort now but now he has a shot of surviving. You said Jus knew something was wrong. I think it might give him some comfort. He was there, we weren't. We're going to have to take his lead. One of the doctors I went to med school with, her father was Sash's surgeon. I've had a chat with him and he's happy to come talk with Justin when he wakes up, let him ask any questions he needs about Sash's condition. I told him Justin's a pretty cluey kid, despite all his challenges. If he's holding up okay, he's going to want to know what happened. He's not going to want Sash out of his sight. There's always a chance he can come out okay, with time and rehab. But critical means... it means we have to be patient and give his body time to recover from the trauma and shock."

He shook his head. "You really think Jus would think that? He knows what depression is first-hand. He knows nothing 'makes' someone depressed. Situations can exacerbate a person's depression but have you thought about the fact that maybe you're just not well right now and that is amplifying everything? There's no way in hell your son is going to blame you for being unwell, Sparky. He loves you. You're his hero. But he knows you're not perfect. I think you should just keep it real with him and let him respond however he needs to. But take some time to rest while he is. I don't care if you only got home for a couple of hours kip on the lounge. Anything is better than nothing. You're not going to get better not taking care of yourself."

Mark took the strip of pills, not surprised Sam was tapping into his headache via their twin spidey sense. "How sure are they of that? Am I going to have to tell my son, hey, your other half nearly dropped dead behind the wheel but it's okay because a totalled driver T-bone you and saved his life? I'm not even fucking joking, Sammy. I need you to be real with me. I have no fucking clue how to start talking to Jus about any of this. He's going to freak the fuck out as soon as he sees Sash. I don't know if he's going to remember much with his trauma dissociation. We've established I'm not sparking on all cylinders and I don't want to fuck my kid up more than he's already feeling. He's not even going to give a fuck about his own injuries yet, he'll just be panicking about Sash so I need to get my head around shit." He popped a couple of the pills into his palm. "I'm scared for them, Sammy. Really fucking scared."

He swallowed the pills down with a mouthful of the tepid Gatorade Gen left with him. "I haven't stopped thinking about it. There's no worse time this could be happening." Placing his hand on Justin's leg through the heated blankets he was wrapped in, he sighed, still trying to wrap his head around everything. "The hardest part about being a parent is seeing your kid in pain and not being able to do anything about it. And I mean Sash too. If I don't see my son walk down the aisle with him... shit."

"Yes, you're going to have to tell him that. The aneurysm was in a different part of his brain to where he took the impact. People can live asymptomatically with brain aneurysms. They may never leak or burst. When it ruptures, it can cause severe pain and other symptoms that are very similar to what Sash experiences with his migraines. Justin said something was wrong with Sash before the accident. Feeling sick and head pain. It's probably that's when it ruptured and if he got emergency medical help, it could've been intercepted. But because he has severe migraines, we might not have known he needed medical help. He probably wouldn't have known himself. With the injuries, he was rushed to surgery. It saved his life. We can't know his prognosis until he wakes up and his neurological functioning can be assessed. Justin's going to need understand all of this so he can prepare himself for the possibility Sash could have permanent incapacity. You can't soften this blow for him. And you know he wouldn't want you to," Sam murmured and watched Mark closely, trying to see if he was coping the best he could. "Sash has taken care of Jus from day one. You know Jus is going to want to take care of him now."

He averted his gaze over to Sash and cleared his throat. As much as he wished he could say otherwise, he didn't know what it felt like to be a parent, and right now, it was an inflamed sore point for him. It had been easy not to think about it with everything that hit the fan with the crash but as much as he was trying not to think about it, his mind we back to his chats with Alexis before Mark read his medical record and found Sam's diagnosis before he had a chance to talk to him about it. It took a few moments to claw his composure back and swallow back that urge of wanting to cry and he put his arm around Mark, patting his back. "They're both fighters, Sparky."

"Jus knew it was something more. He was freaking the fuck out down at the other hospital. You're right, taking care of each other is what it's all about. Jus gets upset when people assume he can't take care of Sash. I just don't know how he'll be mentally after all this. Anaesthetic, pain, meds, stress, it can all be Kryptonite for him. I need to talk to him about his own injuries too but I just... don't bloody know how to play any of it. It's just going to have to be by ear depending on how he is. Plus the PR aspect. I keep second-guessing how we should deal with it. If we say nothing, it breeds speculation about whether it's related to Justin's mental illness. If we say a little bit, they create conspiracy theories that we're hiding the true story. If we tell the whole story, people want to invade their privacy to know more. Not to mention the association that'll be made with Sash and his dad's accident. Jus has an amazing fanbase and probably ninety percent are respectful and content with what he can give but that other ten are fucking nuts." Mark rubbed his forehead and squeezed his temples with his finger and thumb. It all just felt like too fucking much.

He spotted something was up with Sam straight away. They knew each other better than they knew themselves. Sam usually wore his heart on his sleeve, unless, of course, he was taking care of someone he loved and put them first. Every single time. "What is it? What did I say?" he asked, genuinely not sure what it was that seemed to throw his twin. Then it dawned on him. "Shit, Sammy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to rub your nose in that. You care about my kids as much as if they were your own, you know the pain I mean."

Sam took the small bottle of water out of his robe pocket that the nurse wanted him to keep sipping if he could and had a small drink. It was about all he was managing to keep down at the moment. But with another dose of fluids and electrolytes, he knew he would probably be doing better in the coming hours. "Jus is his father's son. Sash is his father's son. These kids, they fight to get up whenever they're knocked down. Forget what you think you need to do or what anyone else thinks needs to be done. What do you think Justin and Sash would want. If either of them were up to making the choices right now, what do you think they would choose? It's as simple as that. Jus is more like you than you realise. I'm not talking his illness or his substance issues. Your heart and soul. He won't fold on any of this without a fight. Neither will you. Because you never have before. Every single fucking time you fell, you got back up. And you'll do it again."

"It's not that, Sparky. I lost a child. Even if I never had the chance to meet him or hold him, I know the pain. It's, um..." He paused with a sigh. "I've got some decisions to make and not a whole lot of time to make them. But it's not important. In the grander scheme of things going on right now, it doesn't really matter. I think I know what's for the best anyway..." He didn't want to burden anyone with the things he was trying to work out before they got the call about Justin and Sash's accident. Sometimes, he did believe that life threw things at you to remind you what was important and what really mattered. Normally, he would've talked it all out with Mark over a burger and Bundy Ginger Beer (in lieu of Mark being able to have a general beer). The last thing Mark needed was more to trouble him. Sam was doing his very best to shield Mark from the pain of his cancer diagnosis considering it was what sent him falling off the wagon from great heights. He didn't want to pile it on Alexis, either. But he, himself, couldn't just shelve dealing with the cancer until things with his family settled down.

Mark rested his hand on his son's shoulder, listening to every word Sam was saying. Justin was wrapped up in a cocoon of warm blankets because his temperature always lowered when he had anaesthetic. He knew Sam was right. They couldn't forget what Justin and Sash would want. They were both intelligent and of an age now where they should be allowed to make decisions for themselves. Justin wasn't always mentally stable to but he trusted the people around him who loved him to know what he would want and to protect him. "He'd want his fans to know what happened but but probably only the bare minimum about his and Sash's condition put out there. He's really protective of Sash. He'd want his medical stuff kept private. For now, anyway, while things are still uncertain. I think we need to make it clear the accident was caused by the other driver. Sash had the green light. But I don't think we should say anything about the aneurysm. Jus won't cope if people are speculating all around him about whether Sash is going to die. I... we need to wait on that part." He shook his head slowly, accompanied by a shaky intake of breath. "I'm not as strong as him, Sammy. I'm just not. He sees the world differently to me."

He sunk back in his chair and looked back to Sam with a confused frown. "No. You're not doing that. You wouldn't let me do it. What decisions, mate? They're really fucking important, whatever it is. I'm not letting you try to tackle fucking cancer without me. I'm still here for you. I don't want you to shut me out because I fucked up. It just got me while I was down, that's all. Don't make me hold you down and fart on you," he joked, even if the words were soaked in exhaustion. They both shared a brief smirk at the memory of their childhood. He had no idea how their mum coped being the only female in a house full of blokes. Farts had been an influential commodity forever.

"You don't need to give anyone medical details. You know the moment you mention anything about Justin's pelvis or back, they'll immediately think the worst and he doesn't need to be copping a tonne of shit about whether he'll make it back to Footloose. Or any dancing. If he starts to feel better and wants to talk about his injuries, he can choose when and how. All of that probably won't be important while he's worrying about Sash. You know the best way to handle this, Sparky. You're just doubting yourself because that's what happens when you're depressed." Sam clapped his hand softly on Mark's knee. "You're strong for him, how he needs you to be. That's all that matters. And before you argue on that front, you falling off the wagon isn't a failure. It's a symptom. Which is exactly what you used to tell Jus when he was struggling. You need to practise what you preach, mate."

He felt guilty talking about his crap when Justin and Sash were both lying there in ICU beds. The problem was, cancer couldn't wait until a more convenient time. They didn't know how long it had lay dormant in his system and it wasn't responding the initial treatment of hard antibiotics. He was going to have to start chemo in the very near future but it was the last thing he wanted to think about or burden Mark with. He did know that now Mark had cottoned on to something, he wouldn't let it go. He was like a dog with a bone with these sorts of things, a trait he well and truly passed on to Justin. "I need to decide if I want to freeze my sperm before I start treatment. The chemo is highly likely to leave me infertile." He really had no idea how he could buffer this. Fatigue had taken residence in ever fibre of his being.

The Panadol was doing nothing to ease his headache and he tried to rub away the pain. "There's going to be speculation whatever we say. I just need it to be known that the accident wasn't their fault. You're right, though. He's going to be really protective of Sash. I think that'll guide how he responds to all this. I just don't know if he's going to be okay mentally. The anaesthetic triggered psychosis and it was fucking horrible. The first op, he was hallucinating being trapped in the car or something. But the second time, it was... I don't even know. I don't know if it was just demons in his head or it was stemming from something that really happened to him. I'm thinking we just need to block out the rest of the world until he's ready to face any of it."

"Sammy... fuck. This is fucking serious. It's not going to take a backseat because Justin and Sash were in an accident. You can't keep this shit from me. Jesus Christ." Without hesitation, he pulled Sam into a hug, holding him as tight as he could without squeezing too tight knowing Sam was still feeling crook. "You've got to do this. You're going to regret it if you don't. You've always wanted kids. What's worrying you with it? I can tell it's something. Do you think it's past your time? It's fucking not. You need to give yourself the option. Talk to me, alright? This, with Jus and Sash, doesn't cancel out your pain and illness. I can't deal with it. I might not deal with it well but we've survived enough to know we've got this."

"Once Jus is feeling okay enough to realise a DUI driver nearly killed them, shit is going to hit the fan. He won't stay quiet on this publicly, and so he shouldn't. But it'll take time for him to get there. Just like it took time for him to want to talk about his mental illness publicly and why he's still struggling with whether he wants it publicly known he's the survivor of sexual abuse. It's best to just put out the minimum facts and ask for privacy until Jus is ready to make calls on the rest himself. He's always been vastly more protective of Sash's privacy than his own so a lot will probably bear on how Sash holds up." Sam listened to Mark, concerned at what he was saying. "What did it sound like he was hallucinating? We all remember the time he thought Sash was his abuser trying to murder him. Some of it has proven to be past traumas. He could've been conscious in the car with Sash even if he wasn't when the emergency crew arrived at the scene."

He sighed, watching Justin quietly before he replied. "This isn't something that's just going to resolve, Sparky. I love Alexis and I want to make a life with her once all this calms down and we're back in the US. But I also don't want to hurt Justin. At all. I don't want even an iota of thought in his mind that he's going to be replaced. It's already been difficult navigating the whole being his uncle but in a position of his stepfather thing. I know that's not a concern for anyone but it's a difficult situation. Maybe this is just a way of be able to remove any grey area and move on from it. I don't think it's past my time, I just don't think it's a factor in the life I'm choosing with Alexis. It feels like the world is trying to tell me something. I can't shake that feeling but I'm also feeling too wiped out to think much at all. Sometimes, life just means we're not meant to have what we want."

"Yeah, I worry about his awareness campaigning fatigue. Sometimes he can just go at it like the fucking Energizer Bunny but he can give too much of himself. It's been something he's been working on with the psychologist and Ari. He feels like people expect him to be constantly switched on and promoting the causes. At the same time, he's inherently passionate about helping people understand and creating safe spaces for others who have gone through what he has. He just struggles with filtering and channelling. I know, I know... he got it from me. All this, it's going to impact on Sash and his family just as much. Martin's own accident is going to come back up, people will wonder about the level of Sash's injuries. Shit about repeating and all that. We don't know how triggering this will be for them. Or even Sash when he wakes up." Mark dropped his head back against the chair, cupping his palm over his forehead as he tried to figure out what to say. "Sorry. This stuff makes me nauseous when I think about it. It sounded like someone was holding him down and raping him. I noticed he keeps trying to pull the oxygen masks off. I didn't know if it was just reactionary because he was feeling sick but it seems like he's not handling things over his face when he's escalating. Something's triggered. I-- I dunno, Sammy. I just don't want him to end up in a psych ward. He's never been physically incapacitated like this before."

He did try to piece apart what Sam was saying about his predicament but he couldn't follow exactly. "Does it feel weird for you, being his Uncle and Alexis being his mum? I thought we were all cool with that situation. I know Jus definitely was. He made some jokes but I never got a sense it felt strange to him. But it does for you...? You didn't think you could talk to me about it? Sammy, I... that's it, isn't it? You're really conscious Alexis has a child but Justin is always going to just be your nephew. That's so important to you that you don't want to tarnish it but you know he's never going to be your child." It was a painful realisation for Mark to realise and he didn't immediately know how to process it, even if he wished he had all the right things to say. There was no precedent for this situation and his lawyer brain functioned on precedent. "And normally you'd open a dialogue with Jus but you don't want him to know you have cancer."

"Fucking hell, Sparky. I know you how bloody painful it is when you hear him in pain like that." Sam rubbed Mark's back again, reminding him he wasn't alone and Sam would do anything in his power to make sure he wouldn't ever be. "Sash touched on that before, if I remember rightly. That Justin had nightmares at one point where it sounded like he was being held down. Being gagged isn't much further a jump. Justin's never specifically described the things they did to him but it comes out in his subconscious. I know it haunts you. Even now, you do everything you can to protect your kids but you still have to face that you can't shield them completely. I can see how much you're struggling and that you probably have no fucking clue how to go about any of this with him when he wakes up."

Looking down at his feet, he offered a small shake of his head but it wasn't to deny what Mark said. It was more just that he didn't really want to have to be discussing all this right now. Regardless of how being told he had cancer had been making him feel, Justin and Sash were the priority. But it was a waiting game with both of them and Mark was like a dog with a bone once his teeth were into a subject. Sam was more the type to stay quiet and move on. "I'm not going to keep this from him. I just think it's better to wait until we see how he is after the trauma of the accident. Sparky, it's not..." He hesitated and scratched his forehead slowly with his thumb while he took in Justin sleeping in the bed. "I love being an uncle. All this, it's become an either/or situation. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. That's all."

Mark didn't know exactly what part of what Sam said did it - or whether it was all of it - but he suddenly welled up with tears again, putting his hands up over his face to try to stop it. He didn't know how the hell he was supposed to cope with all this at once when he hadn't really been in the best headspace before it. Gen and Sam were right to call him out on it, especially when he hadn't really realised prior to Sam falling ill that his own mental health had been waning. Justin and Sash had been tracking okay, though Justin had been doing a lot of soul-searching since meeting Alexis, and ending up with a movie offer on the table. Mark had been missing Gen and struggling with the whole covid thing. He had been case consulting remotely via video link but he hadn't had the same level of work he was used to. "Fuck, I never meant to let you down, Sammy. The one time you fucking need me."

There was a box of tissues sitting on a tray table pushed up against window nearby so Sam reached over to grab it. He put his arm around his twin and rubbed his shoulder to comfort him, setting the box of tissues on his lap. "Hey, come on now. You're not letting me down, Sparky. We've all got to have each other's back with all of this because none of it is easy. There's no way I expect you to just hold up and take the burden of it all. I know that's where you automatically think you need to be but it's not. We're a family. We're going to get through this as a family. I know you're here for me. There's nothing you can do to expedite my treatment or soften the blow. It is what it is. I'll get it done. It's all I can do." He waited to give Mark some time to sit and cry if he needed to or regain his composure. "I know you know I need to ask this, mate, and I'm sorry. Is drinking the only urges you've got or is there suicidal ideation? I know the promises you make to everyone to take care of them no matter what it takes but that doesn't make your mental illness immune to these things. I need to ask."

It was such a heavy question, Mark didn't know what to do with it at first. His thoughts had been so consumed with Justin, Sash, and Sam that he knew he stopped taking care of himself. It had been happening slowly before all this but he thought it was just the frustration of not being able to work, being away from New York, the uncertainty of the world. He spent so much time focusing on Justin's mental health that it was easy to forget about his own, until the shit hit the fan and he wasn't able to keep it together. He tried to drown in the bottom of a bottle the first chance he had because thinking about losing his twin was too much. Far, far too fucking much. "Um..." After he wiped his eyes with a tissue, he shredded it between his fingers. "If all this wasn't going on, maybe. Just... distant, passing thoughts. I wouldn't act on it. At least, not sober. I guess that's where the problem is. I'm just tired, Sammy."

Sam listened and then patted Mark on the back. "You're depressed, Sparky. And that's okay. If you were just tired, sleep would alleviate how you're feeling. I don't want you to be alone, okay? Not until you can see the doctor and get your meds assessed. Don't try to fight it. There's enough of us to take care of each other. You don't come last and I'm not going to let you put yourself there any more than you'd let Justin put himself there." He kept rubbing Mark's back, knowing that - if nothing else - he could offer his twin comfort by being there. "Have you had a chance to talk to Gen about it? I have to start treatment soon. But there's time. I want you to focus on getting Jus and Sash through these urgent care stages and getting you help, whether it's a change in meds or therapy or AA. Whatever you can cope with for now. It might be time to think about medication to reduce the cravings. You have to see a doctor, mate. It's important. With all this stress, if you can't get a hold on your symptoms, it'll rapidly drown you again. None of us ever want to tell Jus or Sunshine that you've drank yourself to death. We'll get through this."

That started Mark sobbing all over again. "Fucking hell," he choked out, planting his hands over his face again. Sam always knew how to get through to him, how to mine into what he needed to hear the most. And although he did cushion the blow while working up to delivering it, he didn't with the actual point. It was the hardest thing for Mark to hear out loud but he had to hear it. It didn't matter if he knew the essence of the point, to hear it coming from someone else and not the murky depths of his guilt-ridden conscience hit it home sharply, like a blow to the gut winding him. He didn't try to fight it back this time either. He just let it come. At some point, Sam resumed the hug and Mark had no idea how long he sat bawling into his brother's shoulder but by the time he got through the snotfest, he had a pounding headache and his face felt swollen and hot. He dragged a handful of tissues from the box to wipe his eyes and nose, clearing his throat. "Gen called me out on my shit. Some days, it feels like she's Justin's biological mum the way she deals with my shit. I don't think... she can't know the full extent because I didn't even realise but I'll talk to her once Jus wakes up and we know more about his recovery. Sammy, you can't fucking wait in your treatment. It's fucking cancer."

"Gen has learned to know you better than you know yourself, mate. That's what marriage and commitment is all about. That's why shit didn't work out for you with Ali. You never let her get close enough to the real you. You didn't know the real you until you had kids. You spent many years band-aiding over issues with booze and being a workaholic. I know it's still difficult for you to let yourself be emotionally vulnerable but you knew from day one the only way you could be Justin's dad was to understand how to be so you could show him it was okay." Sam pushed the bottle of water in Mark's direction. "I need to talk to Alexis about everything. I'm not sure if I have the strength to figure out how I should be feeling about the issue of fertility preservation in the short window of time to get everything sorted. But I can't make any decisions without her. We want to make a life together and I want her to be involved in my treatment every step of the way. She's so upset about Justin, though. I know what will be going on in her heart. She still doesn't feel like she has a place of active input into his family life. Our family life. She told she knows she's not the one Justin reaches for when he's in pain and she's okay with that but deep down, I can only imagine the mix of emotions she's dealing with right now. I've been trying to help her with that."

Mark's brow furrowed as what Sam was saying sunk in. "There's a reason Jus isn't reaching for her yet. Because he's scared he's going to lose her just as he's found her. He did the same with me when I first had him. He let me take care of him when he needed but whenever shit would hit the fan with his condition, everything he had been bottling up would come tumbling out. That's what a lot of this is, isn't it? You and Alexis are both worried if you decide to keep your options open on the chance of a baby down the track, it's going to hurt Jus. Make him feel like he has to be replaced." His gaze fell back to Justin so he could work through some of this in his head. At Sam's subtle coaxing, he picked up the bottle of water again and had a few sips. He offered it to Sam. "Can you...? Sammy, Jus would never want either of you to cockblock your future happiness together just to comfort him now. No, I don't always understand what's going on in my son's heart or head but I do understand why he feels the things he does when it comes to his trauma. There are things in life that make him feel pain he doesn't understand but all he needs is time to adapt. The issue isn't with the what, it's with his damaged emotional processing. He's still processing that Alexis gave birth to him and that his life wouldn't have been so traumatic and abusive if he hadn't been taken from her. That doesn't mean he's not ready to have her be his mum. It's just means he's figuring out how to be her son. And he's an amazing big brother. Do you really think he wouldn't love having another little brother or sister? You can still do this and give him time to emotionally process. It's not like you'd be deciding to have a kid tomorrow. It's just letting yourself still have a choice at all. He would be crushed if you denied yourself that because of him."

"Sparky, it's..." Sam stopped himself and looked down at his hands before his gaze crept back up to Justin's sleeping face, marred with some bruising and superficial cuts and grazes from the accident. Then he looked through the glass doors to where Sash was in the next room on life support equipment. "Justin's an incredible kid and I'll protect him with the same force you do as long as there's breath left in my body. There's no doubt in the world he would be an incredible big brother to any new sibling but... I'm not sure how I feel about our children - yours and mine - being siblings. It feels complicated. I'm not against it, I just... I think I'm with Jus in this boat. I'm not sure I'm ready to figure it out yet. Getting this diagnosis, it's made me think a lot about Michelle and Louis. I'm missing them in a way I can't really understand. Not to mention that I feel like I'm forcing my unfulfilled desire to be a dad onto Alexis when she told me the first night I met her that after losing Justin, she was too traumatised to ever think about having more children. There's so many layers to this whole thing and honestly? I feel too sick to figure any of it out but I'm aware I've only got once chance to decide. And all that was before Justin and and Sash's accident. They're all that anyone should be thinking about right--"

He stopped talking suddenly, eyes still locked on Sash. Even ill, he was unable to turn his doctor reflexes off. He pushed the portable tray table out of the way to get up. "He's fitting!" Before he even made it to the nearby doors connecting the two ICU bays, Sash's room was swarming with medical staff.

Mark hadn't even noticed that Sam had been watching Sash while they spoke. A few harsh expletives fell from his lips when Sam jumped up and said what he did. His own chair scraped on the lino as he pushed it back in a hurry to get out of Sam's way. Sam might not have his doctor's hat on here but he still had a doctor's heart and mind, he was trained to respond immediately to things like this. He put his hand on his chest in concern, feeling his gut drop as he watched the flurry of action around Sash in the connecting room. Checking Justin was still asleep and not witnessing this, he smoothed his hand over his son's hair, still trying to soothe him even if he wasn't conscious to this abrupt turmoil.

A jumble of thoughts and fears sped through his mind at what Sash having a seizure might mean. Sam didn't intercept to help, obviously, but he did stay near the door and observed what was going on. Mark lost track of time and how long all this went on for. It felt like a really long time and that couldn't be good. As things calmed down, Sam was having a conversation with one of the doctors, if the scrubs and lab coat was anything to go on. He stayed close to Justin until Sam eventually came back into the room. "What the fuck was that? Is he okay? F-Fuck... what does it mean? Is he still alive?"

Edited 2021-10-06 12:53 (UTC)

Sam went to stand just inside the doorway of Sash's room so he could get the gist of what was going on. Sam was a cardiothoracic surgeon, he wasn't foreign to critically ill patients having seizures in the ICU. That didn't make it any less confronting when it happened to someone in your own family. Being a doctor didn't make seeing the people you loved suffering. He was just glad Justin was out for the count and couldn't witness this. It would be the straw that broke the camel's back on his mental state. When he got back to Justin's bedside, Mark looked like hell. Terror was written all over his face and Sam knew how fragile Mark's own mental state was. He patted his brother's back, coaxing him to sit again. Once Mark had flopped heavily back into the chair, Sam sat beside him and started to softly rub his back.

"They're going to take him for another MRI to make sure there's not another bleed. Seizures can be caused by a lot of things but I know what you're thinking. It's too early to know if the brain injury has caused any long-term damage. He can completely recover but they aren't going to know until the brain has a chance to heal. Brain injuries are complex. We won't know the full story until he wakes up and his cognitive functioning can be assessed. You should go home and try to get some sleep, Sparky. I can stay here with the boys. Any of us can. You need to try to get some rest," he urged, knowing it could be a pointless plight because Mark could be extremely stubborn but he had to try.

"So the fuck do you!" Mark snapped back before he could stop himself but he was immediately wincing at his tone, squeezing his eyes shut and putting his hands over his face. What he really wanted to say was the he didn't need sleep, he needed a drink. It was his fucking brain pulling bullshit on him again. Booze was the last thing he needed but the cravings felt like they were eating up his insides like acid. He was exhausted and his fuse was short. It wasn't far to aim any of that at Sam, who he knew was struggling with his own shit.

He lowered his hands and rubbed his sweaty palms on his thighs. "You're supposed to be starting chemo, Sammy. This is so fucked up. My twin with bloody cancer is sitting here telling me I need to try to get some rest. You shouldn't have even left hospital when I got that call about the accident. Are you putting it off? I can't let you use any of this to put off your treatment. You look really fucking crook, okay? I know that's bullshit coming from me right now because I don't look much better. But this isn't going to kill me. I know you're worrying yourself sick about me hitting the booze and I'm promising you, I'll go and try to get a kip. Only if you promise me you will too. Gen and Alexis, they're probably better equipped to be here at the moment anyway. Jus would probably freak out if he woke up and we're both sitting here looking like something out of the Night of the Living Dead. I just..." He stopped to take a deep breath. "Are you using me as an avoidance tactic like I'm using booze? You've been straight with me about everything? It's not worse than you're letting on?"

"Mark, your son and his fiancé were in a serious car crash that nearly killed them both. Sash is not out of the woods. Cancer doesn't stop me being there for my family. Okay, if I was half dying, you would have a point. But I'm not. There was no way in the fucking world I was letting you go on your own. I know you're not dealing with any of this and nothing practical I could say will reassure you. You need medication and to see a psychologist. You know me. You know I wouldn't bullshit you, not with something like this or anything. There's a bit of time, things I need to figure out before the chemo starts. Things with Alexis. We need some time together but I think I need to do a couple of things alone to sort my head out. That's where I was at when you found out. Didn't even have my own head around it. Now it's speeding up a lot of things that should've come further down the track and I don't know if I'm ready." With a sigh, Sam stopped talking and looked up at the ceiling, shaking his head at himself. Putting some of this out there, out loud, it seemed like it should be so much easier to figure out.

He nodded by way of a promise he wasn't sure he could keep. The only time he had been sleeping lately was when he exhausted himself so much from puking and crashed. He had some medication to ease some of that sickness but he still had so much swirling around in his head and that was before Justin and Sash's car accident. "I'll try and get some sleep. But I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow with the oncologist to talk about treatment regimes and after that, I was thinking I'd go and visit Michelle and Louis. Might help me clear my head a bit. I've been thinking about them a lot lately."

Mark didn't say anything in response, at least not reactionary. He was too prone to a short fuse when his head was messed up like this and Sam didn't deserve copping it just because they happened to be room mates in the womb. There was more to his silence than that, though, and he couldn't find the words he needed yet. Not through lack of trying. Words were never usually an issue for him, especially with his twin. "Sammy, I——" He had to stop again, partly to brace himself but mostly because he didn't want to fuck this up. "Can you just shelve being a twin and a doctor and a son and an uncle and a partner for a bit and just tell me how you are. Really are. You're trying to protect me by not telling me how you're really feeling about this and I don't want that. You need me. Maybe not in this state but it's all I've got at the moment. And you don't need to spell it out for me. If Jus was awake and knew all the ins and outs here, he would give me a kick up the arse not to fuck this up. I fuck up a lot and this isn't going to be part of it..."

He grabbed his bottle of water but he didn't drink any. Something to do with his hands so he didn't grab Sam and beg him not to die. "Sammy, you're so in love with Alexis. Possibly as much as you ever did with Michelle. I've seen how you look at her and, mate, it's the same. So, I know that all you want is to make her happy and give her the support she needs making up for lost time with Jus. But none of that erases the trauma you've been through too. Losing Michelle and Louis in the worst way, before you even got to meet your son. You grieved for the both." He started to tear up then because he had been with Sam for every moment of that grief. "You know what it's like to lose the person you love to cancer and it's never something you'd want Alexis to go through. Tell me what you're feeling, Sammy. All of it. I can take it."

When Sam's eyes welled up, he didn't fall into it but he didn't fight it back either. There was a heavy lump in his throat and he wasn't sure he was ready right in this moment to face up to some of these things. He could feel himself teetering on the edge of the grief process but it was all so inflamed and mixed up that didn't know what step he was feeling. Maybe a hybrid of all the steps. No one who loved him would be wanting him to feel alone in this but he was. Feeling alone when you were sitting beside the person you had shared your life with from literal conception was never easy. Being a twin should negate that but life was never that easy. It wasn't black and white, being an identical twin. Sometimes, you felt like you had to shield them from your pain so as not to cause them more when they were already in agony. He'd probably keep trying to do just that too, if Mark wasn't directly but gently calling him out on it. It wasn't like he had been consciously doing it.

"I'm not okay, Sparky." There it was. And it sounded so much more real out loud. He put his head in his hands, needing some time before he could continue. "I can't let myself want it. Fertility Preservation feels too much like I'm bullying Justin into something he might never be okay with. I mean, fuck, it feels like I'm bullying Alexis into thinking about more children when it's never what she wanted. But I've always wanted it and any time I get near to it being a reality, something happens and destroys it. Losing Louis still hurts. I'm not ready to decide what's supposed to happen next. Lex and I weren't there yet. We just weren't. The seed wasn't even planted. It only came about when I told her about Louis. We both needed Justin to know that we'd acknowledged it was maybe an option some day but I knew he wouldn't be at the place to deal with it yet either. In my heart, it just feels like this is the world telling me it's not meant to be. And I love you, mate, more than the world but you've got two kids you never planned or wanted before they came. I don't know how to explain to you how this feels or why I'm feeling it."

It was huge for Sam to admit this out loud. Mark knew that. The only other times Sam ever had said those words were after his wife's funeral and after he had to talk Justin down off a roof ledge. Mark wasn't lying, he could take it. That didn't mean there was anything easy hearing the person who was the other half of him was in so much pain. "Sammy, you need to hear this, okay? Just listen for a minute. You denying yourself any possible chance of having children to protect Jus from the pain of thinking about his mum having another kid will crush him way more than that what-if thought. He fucking adores you. He knows I could never have parented him how I have without you supporting me all the way through. This is not you bullying him and he would be devastated to know you feel you are. I know my kid, mate. He isn't going to want you or Alexis sacrificing anything to shield him from pain. You know all those times he's cried out for us to keep it real with him? This is a big one. He is going to be the first to tell you that all this, it's not about him. It's about you, and the fact you love his mum. It's okay for this to be about you, Sammy."

He shifted closer and wrapped his arm protectively around Sam, resting his head against his twin's in a hug as tight as he could without hurting him. "If you're not ready, maybe you should leave the option on the table to think about later. Do what needs to be done then set it aside to think about when you're ready, when you're feeling better. You've got to focus on getting treatment and making it through having cancer, Sammy. You're crook. Now isn't the time to make finite choices for your future. You and Alexis won't know what you want in the future until you get there. Your time isn't up. I'm not going to let it be up. I need you to give yourself this, mate. I can't imagine my life without my kids so I can only imagine how much pain you're in. It's my job to make sure you're not in pain alone. I love you. I've got your back."

Sam shook his head, lifting it from his hands once he finally managed to move beyond the initial uncontrollable sobs. He just wasn't sure he could completely stop crying now he started. "This shouldn't be about me. Not yet, not until we know Sash is out of the woods. I'm not putting this on Justin right now. None of it. He might look okay psychologically but we have to keep playing it safe with him. It's impossible to know how his traumatic responses will play out." But he stopped, closing his eyes again. He didn't need to spell any of this out for Mark. It was something his twin carried on his shoulders every single day when it came to Justin's care. Sam wasn't a father, he didn't know the true depth of it, even if he would forever share the burden with him.

He sighed, wiping his eyes with the heels of his palms. "Fuck. I feel sick. Christ..." He took a few more moments, resting his forehead in his hands again. "I really love her, Sparky. At first, it was just company and a bit of fun for both of us. It was just this mutual unspoken agreement that the priority would be on her building a relationship with Jus and sometime later down the track when things were more settled, we'd figure the stuff about what we want together in the future. Which was great because we weren't in a rush and it just felt right. Even going through the challenges of her understanding Justin's needs and how his illness can present. We weren't even close to any of this even if the subject had come up. These aren't conversations to have when her son and future son-in-law were nearly killed in a serious car accident. She needs me."

"I think it's about all of us, mate. We're a family and I happen to think we're a pretty damn awesome one. But that also means that when any of us is going through something shit that hurts, we all do. So, nope, I don't think I can let you dilute your needs because of it. You're not putting this on anyone, that's why we're here. And we're going to be here for you even while we're trying to weather Justin's traumatic responses." Mark rubbed Sam's back, trying to remind him however he could that he was there for him. He might not have all the answers and not one person in their family might know how to navigate any of this but one thing they always did top notch was take care of each other, especially when they were going through a rough trot. "You need to spew? You want me to get you some tea or a Gatorade?"

He got up and grabbed a sick bag from the dispenser on the wall and brought it over for Sam just in case. "You know, Gen was asking me if my demon hangover might be me tapping into the twin-sense and I think she might've had a point if I hadn't been actually hungover at the time." He thought quietly for a bit. When Justin stirred just a little and his head slipped off the extra pillow, Mark carefully nursed his head while he fixed it without Justin even waking. "Or were you really close to all that again, Sammy, and it just scared you to admit it because you never thought you'd have it again after Michelle?"

"I'll try some tea if you do." Sam felt that was a pretty fair deal. Regardless of what was going on here, he could never fully relinquish being a caretaker. He could never stop wanting to look after his family too, even if he knew Mark was right. This time, he needed help. He wanted to take this on the chin and deal with it like a doctor but being the patient diagnosed with cancer was proving to be an emotional knock being a doctor couldn't have even prepared him for. He looked at the sick bag with a resolute sigh, taking it and putting it on the end of Justin's bed just in case. The nausea was ever-present, so much so that he was getting used to it, unfortunately.

He blinked tiredly and shrugged. "I'd say Gen's onto something. The Big C. If anything's going to trigger the twinsense, it's that, right? In which case, I'm sorry, mate. I wouldn't wish an unrelenting crook gut on anyone." When Mark got to that next bit, though, Sam baulked. It hit him pretty hard but he didn't even know why. "I-- fuck. I don't know. It was never going to be like that. Justin comes first. Sometimes, I feel like I'm gatecrashing their party. You're his dad, she's his mum, I'm her partner. I don't want him to resent me, Sparky. I don't want him to look back on this important time and feel like I was in the way and trying to nudge him out of the way to re-enact the previous life I lost. And it was all fine until I got fucking crook and now have to confront this finality of losing the chance to be a father myself. It's the first time I've felt like time's run out and that's terrifying."

After watching Sam take the sick bag resolutely, Mark really looked him over in concern. He really did look so unwell. It wasn't so different to the reflection that would stare back at Mark after his heart attack. The grey/beige pallor, the heavy bags beneath his bloodshot eyes, the clammy droplets across his forehead and temples, the dishevelled appearance in general. Sam had never presented himself as clean-cut as Mark did. His hair was longer so it was curlier and he'd never been a fan of a clean shave. There was always a bit of stubble. He suddenly had no idea how he was supposed to survive seeing his twin fighting this battle. He never took Sam for granted but facing him being seriously ill was uncharted waters and Mark didn't feel strong enough to deal. He would. Somehow, he'd have to fucking figure it out. All he knew was even beyond the cancer diagnosis, Sam needed his help to face his own traumatic past, even if he wasn't ready. If there was one thing Mark had skill in, it was that.

He didn't get up to get tea. Tea could fucking wait. "Sammy, Jus isn't a resentful kid. I just want to put that out there for what it's worth. Anything he feels about you and Alexis being together will be way more complex than resentment. Which is why I truly get why you don't want to agitate anything for him. From the moment you knew he existed and how sick he was, you protected him and cared for him like he was yours. You would never want to do anything you thought could contribute to his pain and I think because of that, you're overly conscious of shielding him from anything. You wouldn't even want him to know you're crook if you thought you could keep it concealed. But real talk, mate. There's no fucking way he thinks you're in the way because you and his birth mum fell in love. I can see in my head the look on his face he would give you if he heard that. You know the look I mean, too. That's what you need to think about. That look. Because sometimes it says way more than Jus knows how to verbalise. If this crash hadn't happened, would you have talked to him about any of this?"

"I know he's not. This would probably be a lot easier to deal with if he was. The thought of hurting him, even unintentionally, it just... it kills me." Sam definitely knew the look, though he hadn't personally been on the receiving end of it very often. About the only time he ever clashed with Justin on any level was when he mistakenly though Sam was trying to keep the truth about his dad's illness and medical prognosis from him when Mark had his heart attack and some resulting health struggles, or when Sam had been helping Mark get Justin through drug and alcohol withdrawals. Not that either was from anything Sam had done directly but it still ripped his heart out. Justin wasn't a kid who trusted easily and once you earned that, he put his entire trust and faith in you to have his best interests at heart, especially knowing he was more often than not, incapable of taking care of himself.

He had sunk so far down on the seat, he now had to prop his head up on his hand watching Justin sleep. "Shit, Sparky, that's a near-impossible question to answer. I'd like to say yes but it doesn't feel right. I know what you're meaning here but the emotional state he's in at the moment, he doesn't have the capacity to process anything. He can't even process Sash's condition or his own injuries. Whatever answer I'd get would be reactionary and not an accurate dive into how he really would feel about this in the longer term. I feel like I need to sleep on it all and just go somewhere to be alone with my thoughts for awhile. I don't want anyone to feel forced into anything."

"You underestimate how much he cares about you and Alexis being happy. How much of an urge he has to take care of the people he loves. He's got Campbell blood, Sammy. As much as we want to care for him, he wants to care for us. If this wasn't Alexis, if it was another woman you were in love with right now and you got this diagnosis and she was okay with the idea of possibly having a family with you down the track, would you make the decision to freeze your sperm? I know it's fucking impossible to unpack the objective thread from all this stress and emotion but it's okay to be a little bit selfish with this, mate. You won't hurt Jus, it'll just be something he needs to work through and adapt to. Not yet. When he's in a better place. But none of this is immediate for you either. You have to get through treatment and all the struggles with that..." Mark trailed off and went quiet, ashamed that his addiction had to seep in again and he couldn't be the support Sam needed. At least, not until he got his shit together.

He cleared his throat. "Why aren't you pissed at me? For falling off the wagon when you need me the most?" he finally asked, having hedged the issue without confronting it from the start. If the car crash hadn't happened and landed Jus and Sash in hospital, he knew Sam's reaction would probably be different. "I don't know how I let it fucking happen."

Edited 2022-06-08 13:47 (UTC)

Sam slowly wet his lips and shook his head. "No, I don't, Sparky. I really don't. I don't underestimate anything about that poor kid. He's more capable of shouldering things than all use adults are collectively. It's his urge to take care of the people he loves that complicates this because right now, how he is, he's not well enough to. You have to remember his past dissociative amnesia and any blow could cause that to relapse. He might check out again and it might be for a very long time. He knows you're sick, he knows I am. But I guarantee you right now, he can't calibrate that and I don't want to pressure him with anything more than is absolutely vital." He saw the change in Mark when something must've crossed his mind and hit him hard, so he put his arm around him, squeezing his shoulder. "We'll get through it, Sparky. We always do. And look... okay. I would do it in that fictional scenario. It would be just part of the process. But any future kid in that scenario would be nothing more than Justin's cousin. Not his sibling." And that's where he finally got to the crux of the struggles.

"Sparky..." He sighed wearily and rubbed his forehead between eyes where a painful headache was setting in. "That's like asking why you're not pissed at Justin for walking into the ocean at Bondi. You have a mental illness. You didn't let anything happened. You're unwell, you need treatment. You're self-sabotaging and that's destructive. It's as simple and as complicated as that. I would never be pissed at you for any of this. I might get frustrated and upset because as you know in caring for Justin, sometimes things can get too much but fuck, I would never blame you. You're blaming yourself enough for everyone and that's why you're ill and it's exacerbating. Come here..." He pulled Mark into a hug, holding him close and rubbing his back. "I love you, okay? I need you to never forget that. We'll get you back on track and then you can take care of me with my shit."

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"Take a breath, I pull myself together. Just another step until I reach the door..."

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