When Sam's eyes welled up, he didn't fall into it but he didn't fight it back either. There was a heavy lump in his throat and he wasn't sure he was ready right in this moment to face up to some of these things. He could feel himself teetering on the edge of the grief process but it was all so inflamed and mixed up that didn't know what step he was feeling. Maybe a hybrid of all the steps. No one who loved him would be wanting him to feel alone in this but he was. Feeling alone when you were sitting beside the person you had shared your life with from literal conception was never easy. Being a twin should negate that but life was never that easy. It wasn't black and white, being an identical twin. Sometimes, you felt like you had to shield them from your pain so as not to cause them more when they were already in agony. He'd probably keep trying to do just that too, if Mark wasn't directly but gently calling him out on it. It wasn't like he had been consciously doing it.
"I'm not okay, Sparky." There it was. And it sounded so much more real out loud. He put his head in his hands, needing some time before he could continue. "I can't let myself want it. Fertility Preservation feels too much like I'm bullying Justin into something he might never be okay with. I mean, fuck, it feels like I'm bullying Alexis into thinking about more children when it's never what she wanted. But I've always wanted it and any time I get near to it being a reality, something happens and destroys it. Losing Louis still hurts. I'm not ready to decide what's supposed to happen next. Lex and I weren't there yet. We just weren't. The seed wasn't even planted. It only came about when I told her about Louis. We both needed Justin to know that we'd acknowledged it was maybe an option some day but I knew he wouldn't be at the place to deal with it yet either. In my heart, it just feels like this is the world telling me it's not meant to be. And I love you, mate, more than the world but you've got two kids you never planned or wanted before they came. I don't know how to explain to you how this feels or why I'm feeling it."
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"I'm not okay, Sparky." There it was. And it sounded so much more real out loud. He put his head in his hands, needing some time before he could continue. "I can't let myself want it. Fertility Preservation feels too much like I'm bullying Justin into something he might never be okay with. I mean, fuck, it feels like I'm bullying Alexis into thinking about more children when it's never what she wanted. But I've always wanted it and any time I get near to it being a reality, something happens and destroys it. Losing Louis still hurts. I'm not ready to decide what's supposed to happen next. Lex and I weren't there yet. We just weren't. The seed wasn't even planted. It only came about when I told her about Louis. We both needed Justin to know that we'd acknowledged it was maybe an option some day but I knew he wouldn't be at the place to deal with it yet either. In my heart, it just feels like this is the world telling me it's not meant to be. And I love you, mate, more than the world but you've got two kids you never planned or wanted before they came. I don't know how to explain to you how this feels or why I'm feeling it."