"Take a breath, I pull myself together. Just another step until I reach the door..."

[breakablehearts]

Who: Sam and Mark (with Justin and Sasha)
What: "If it takes you forever, I want you to know if you fall, stumble down, I'll pick you up off the ground."
Where: A private hospital in Sydney, Australia
When: Following this, this and this

Being a cardiothoracic surgeon, Sam wasn't unfamiliar with ICUs but he would never get used to visiting family members in them. The Campbell family had been dealt more than its fair share of blows over the years but this life-threatening car accident that had now landed both Justin and Sash in one, with no one really coping that well with the new, was one of the biggest blows Sam felt. It was definitely a bigger struggle in the wake of being told he had cancer, but he was holding onto the reassurance that it was one of the most treatable forms. It was going to be awhile before he started responding to treatment and began to feel physically better, though. He could do without his IV pole proper right now.

Still, he knew it was a necessary evil. Grateful that he could be mobile with it and had the green light from his admitting doctor to go to the ICU for a bit. Regardless of the circumstance, he knew Mark wasn't in a good headspace and that meant no matter how wiped out Sam was feeling, his place was at his twin's side and the first step was checking if he was okay. Their mum had left Sam a note while he was asleep that Justin had been rushed back to surgery. If Mark was barely holding up before then, he would be in a tougher place now.

He waited until the nurses allocated to monitoring Justin and Sash's connected rooms gave him the all-clear to go in but hesitated just a moment or two at the door when the sight of Justin and Sasha confronted him. He didn't let himself get stuck on it. Guiding the IV pole into the room, he sat down in the vacant chair by the one Mark was slumped in at Justin's bedside. He didn't say anything, he just put his hand on Mark's shoulder.

Comments

[aussielawyer]

"So the fuck do you!" Mark snapped back before he could stop himself but he was immediately wincing at his tone, squeezing his eyes shut and putting his hands over his face. What he really wanted to say was the he didn't need sleep, he needed a drink. It was his fucking brain pulling bullshit on him again. Booze was the last thing he needed but the cravings felt like they were eating up his insides like acid. He was exhausted and his fuse was short. It wasn't far to aim any of that at Sam, who he knew was struggling with his own shit.

He lowered his hands and rubbed his sweaty palms on his thighs. "You're supposed to be starting chemo, Sammy. This is so fucked up. My twin with bloody cancer is sitting here telling me I need to try to get some rest. You shouldn't have even left hospital when I got that call about the accident. Are you putting it off? I can't let you use any of this to put off your treatment. You look really fucking crook, okay? I know that's bullshit coming from me right now because I don't look much better. But this isn't going to kill me. I know you're worrying yourself sick about me hitting the booze and I'm promising you, I'll go and try to get a kip. Only if you promise me you will too. Gen and Alexis, they're probably better equipped to be here at the moment anyway. Jus would probably freak out if he woke up and we're both sitting here looking like something out of the Night of the Living Dead. I just..." He stopped to take a deep breath. "Are you using me as an avoidance tactic like I'm using booze? You've been straight with me about everything? It's not worse than you're letting on?"

[breakablehearts]

"Mark, your son and his fiancé were in a serious car crash that nearly killed them both. Sash is not out of the woods. Cancer doesn't stop me being there for my family. Okay, if I was half dying, you would have a point. But I'm not. There was no way in the fucking world I was letting you go on your own. I know you're not dealing with any of this and nothing practical I could say will reassure you. You need medication and to see a psychologist. You know me. You know I wouldn't bullshit you, not with something like this or anything. There's a bit of time, things I need to figure out before the chemo starts. Things with Alexis. We need some time together but I think I need to do a couple of things alone to sort my head out. That's where I was at when you found out. Didn't even have my own head around it. Now it's speeding up a lot of things that should've come further down the track and I don't know if I'm ready." With a sigh, Sam stopped talking and looked up at the ceiling, shaking his head at himself. Putting some of this out there, out loud, it seemed like it should be so much easier to figure out.

He nodded by way of a promise he wasn't sure he could keep. The only time he had been sleeping lately was when he exhausted himself so much from puking and crashed. He had some medication to ease some of that sickness but he still had so much swirling around in his head and that was before Justin and Sash's car accident. "I'll try and get some sleep. But I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow with the oncologist to talk about treatment regimes and after that, I was thinking I'd go and visit Michelle and Louis. Might help me clear my head a bit. I've been thinking about them a lot lately."

[aussielawyer]

Mark didn't say anything in response, at least not reactionary. He was too prone to a short fuse when his head was messed up like this and Sam didn't deserve copping it just because they happened to be room mates in the womb. There was more to his silence than that, though, and he couldn't find the words he needed yet. Not through lack of trying. Words were never usually an issue for him, especially with his twin. "Sammy, I——" He had to stop again, partly to brace himself but mostly because he didn't want to fuck this up. "Can you just shelve being a twin and a doctor and a son and an uncle and a partner for a bit and just tell me how you are. Really are. You're trying to protect me by not telling me how you're really feeling about this and I don't want that. You need me. Maybe not in this state but it's all I've got at the moment. And you don't need to spell it out for me. If Jus was awake and knew all the ins and outs here, he would give me a kick up the arse not to fuck this up. I fuck up a lot and this isn't going to be part of it..."

He grabbed his bottle of water but he didn't drink any. Something to do with his hands so he didn't grab Sam and beg him not to die. "Sammy, you're so in love with Alexis. Possibly as much as you ever did with Michelle. I've seen how you look at her and, mate, it's the same. So, I know that all you want is to make her happy and give her the support she needs making up for lost time with Jus. But none of that erases the trauma you've been through too. Losing Michelle and Louis in the worst way, before you even got to meet your son. You grieved for the both." He started to tear up then because he had been with Sam for every moment of that grief. "You know what it's like to lose the person you love to cancer and it's never something you'd want Alexis to go through. Tell me what you're feeling, Sammy. All of it. I can take it."

[breakablehearts]

When Sam's eyes welled up, he didn't fall into it but he didn't fight it back either. There was a heavy lump in his throat and he wasn't sure he was ready right in this moment to face up to some of these things. He could feel himself teetering on the edge of the grief process but it was all so inflamed and mixed up that didn't know what step he was feeling. Maybe a hybrid of all the steps. No one who loved him would be wanting him to feel alone in this but he was. Feeling alone when you were sitting beside the person you had shared your life with from literal conception was never easy. Being a twin should negate that but life was never that easy. It wasn't black and white, being an identical twin. Sometimes, you felt like you had to shield them from your pain so as not to cause them more when they were already in agony. He'd probably keep trying to do just that too, if Mark wasn't directly but gently calling him out on it. It wasn't like he had been consciously doing it.

"I'm not okay, Sparky." There it was. And it sounded so much more real out loud. He put his head in his hands, needing some time before he could continue. "I can't let myself want it. Fertility Preservation feels too much like I'm bullying Justin into something he might never be okay with. I mean, fuck, it feels like I'm bullying Alexis into thinking about more children when it's never what she wanted. But I've always wanted it and any time I get near to it being a reality, something happens and destroys it. Losing Louis still hurts. I'm not ready to decide what's supposed to happen next. Lex and I weren't there yet. We just weren't. The seed wasn't even planted. It only came about when I told her about Louis. We both needed Justin to know that we'd acknowledged it was maybe an option some day but I knew he wouldn't be at the place to deal with it yet either. In my heart, it just feels like this is the world telling me it's not meant to be. And I love you, mate, more than the world but you've got two kids you never planned or wanted before they came. I don't know how to explain to you how this feels or why I'm feeling it."

[aussielawyer]

It was huge for Sam to admit this out loud. Mark knew that. The only other times Sam ever had said those words were after his wife's funeral and after he had to talk Justin down off a roof ledge. Mark wasn't lying, he could take it. That didn't mean there was anything easy hearing the person who was the other half of him was in so much pain. "Sammy, you need to hear this, okay? Just listen for a minute. You denying yourself any possible chance of having children to protect Jus from the pain of thinking about his mum having another kid will crush him way more than that what-if thought. He fucking adores you. He knows I could never have parented him how I have without you supporting me all the way through. This is not you bullying him and he would be devastated to know you feel you are. I know my kid, mate. He isn't going to want you or Alexis sacrificing anything to shield him from pain. You know all those times he's cried out for us to keep it real with him? This is a big one. He is going to be the first to tell you that all this, it's not about him. It's about you, and the fact you love his mum. It's okay for this to be about you, Sammy."

He shifted closer and wrapped his arm protectively around Sam, resting his head against his twin's in a hug as tight as he could without hurting him. "If you're not ready, maybe you should leave the option on the table to think about later. Do what needs to be done then set it aside to think about when you're ready, when you're feeling better. You've got to focus on getting treatment and making it through having cancer, Sammy. You're crook. Now isn't the time to make finite choices for your future. You and Alexis won't know what you want in the future until you get there. Your time isn't up. I'm not going to let it be up. I need you to give yourself this, mate. I can't imagine my life without my kids so I can only imagine how much pain you're in. It's my job to make sure you're not in pain alone. I love you. I've got your back."

[breakablehearts]

Sam shook his head, lifting it from his hands once he finally managed to move beyond the initial uncontrollable sobs. He just wasn't sure he could completely stop crying now he started. "This shouldn't be about me. Not yet, not until we know Sash is out of the woods. I'm not putting this on Justin right now. None of it. He might look okay psychologically but we have to keep playing it safe with him. It's impossible to know how his traumatic responses will play out." But he stopped, closing his eyes again. He didn't need to spell any of this out for Mark. It was something his twin carried on his shoulders every single day when it came to Justin's care. Sam wasn't a father, he didn't know the true depth of it, even if he would forever share the burden with him.

He sighed, wiping his eyes with the heels of his palms. "Fuck. I feel sick. Christ..." He took a few more moments, resting his forehead in his hands again. "I really love her, Sparky. At first, it was just company and a bit of fun for both of us. It was just this mutual unspoken agreement that the priority would be on her building a relationship with Jus and sometime later down the track when things were more settled, we'd figure the stuff about what we want together in the future. Which was great because we weren't in a rush and it just felt right. Even going through the challenges of her understanding Justin's needs and how his illness can present. We weren't even close to any of this even if the subject had come up. These aren't conversations to have when her son and future son-in-law were nearly killed in a serious car accident. She needs me."

[aussielawyer]

"I think it's about all of us, mate. We're a family and I happen to think we're a pretty damn awesome one. But that also means that when any of us is going through something shit that hurts, we all do. So, nope, I don't think I can let you dilute your needs because of it. You're not putting this on anyone, that's why we're here. And we're going to be here for you even while we're trying to weather Justin's traumatic responses." Mark rubbed Sam's back, trying to remind him however he could that he was there for him. He might not have all the answers and not one person in their family might know how to navigate any of this but one thing they always did top notch was take care of each other, especially when they were going through a rough trot. "You need to spew? You want me to get you some tea or a Gatorade?"

He got up and grabbed a sick bag from the dispenser on the wall and brought it over for Sam just in case. "You know, Gen was asking me if my demon hangover might be me tapping into the twin-sense and I think she might've had a point if I hadn't been actually hungover at the time." He thought quietly for a bit. When Justin stirred just a little and his head slipped off the extra pillow, Mark carefully nursed his head while he fixed it without Justin even waking. "Or were you really close to all that again, Sammy, and it just scared you to admit it because you never thought you'd have it again after Michelle?"

[breakablehearts]

"I'll try some tea if you do." Sam felt that was a pretty fair deal. Regardless of what was going on here, he could never fully relinquish being a caretaker. He could never stop wanting to look after his family too, even if he knew Mark was right. This time, he needed help. He wanted to take this on the chin and deal with it like a doctor but being the patient diagnosed with cancer was proving to be an emotional knock being a doctor couldn't have even prepared him for. He looked at the sick bag with a resolute sigh, taking it and putting it on the end of Justin's bed just in case. The nausea was ever-present, so much so that he was getting used to it, unfortunately.

He blinked tiredly and shrugged. "I'd say Gen's onto something. The Big C. If anything's going to trigger the twinsense, it's that, right? In which case, I'm sorry, mate. I wouldn't wish an unrelenting crook gut on anyone." When Mark got to that next bit, though, Sam baulked. It hit him pretty hard but he didn't even know why. "I-- fuck. I don't know. It was never going to be like that. Justin comes first. Sometimes, I feel like I'm gatecrashing their party. You're his dad, she's his mum, I'm her partner. I don't want him to resent me, Sparky. I don't want him to look back on this important time and feel like I was in the way and trying to nudge him out of the way to re-enact the previous life I lost. And it was all fine until I got fucking crook and now have to confront this finality of losing the chance to be a father myself. It's the first time I've felt like time's run out and that's terrifying."

[aussielawyer]

After watching Sam take the sick bag resolutely, Mark really looked him over in concern. He really did look so unwell. It wasn't so different to the reflection that would stare back at Mark after his heart attack. The grey/beige pallor, the heavy bags beneath his bloodshot eyes, the clammy droplets across his forehead and temples, the dishevelled appearance in general. Sam had never presented himself as clean-cut as Mark did. His hair was longer so it was curlier and he'd never been a fan of a clean shave. There was always a bit of stubble. He suddenly had no idea how he was supposed to survive seeing his twin fighting this battle. He never took Sam for granted but facing him being seriously ill was uncharted waters and Mark didn't feel strong enough to deal. He would. Somehow, he'd have to fucking figure it out. All he knew was even beyond the cancer diagnosis, Sam needed his help to face his own traumatic past, even if he wasn't ready. If there was one thing Mark had skill in, it was that.

He didn't get up to get tea. Tea could fucking wait. "Sammy, Jus isn't a resentful kid. I just want to put that out there for what it's worth. Anything he feels about you and Alexis being together will be way more complex than resentment. Which is why I truly get why you don't want to agitate anything for him. From the moment you knew he existed and how sick he was, you protected him and cared for him like he was yours. You would never want to do anything you thought could contribute to his pain and I think because of that, you're overly conscious of shielding him from anything. You wouldn't even want him to know you're crook if you thought you could keep it concealed. But real talk, mate. There's no fucking way he thinks you're in the way because you and his birth mum fell in love. I can see in my head the look on his face he would give you if he heard that. You know the look I mean, too. That's what you need to think about. That look. Because sometimes it says way more than Jus knows how to verbalise. If this crash hadn't happened, would you have talked to him about any of this?"

[breakablehearts]

"I know he's not. This would probably be a lot easier to deal with if he was. The thought of hurting him, even unintentionally, it just... it kills me." Sam definitely knew the look, though he hadn't personally been on the receiving end of it very often. About the only time he ever clashed with Justin on any level was when he mistakenly though Sam was trying to keep the truth about his dad's illness and medical prognosis from him when Mark had his heart attack and some resulting health struggles, or when Sam had been helping Mark get Justin through drug and alcohol withdrawals. Not that either was from anything Sam had done directly but it still ripped his heart out. Justin wasn't a kid who trusted easily and once you earned that, he put his entire trust and faith in you to have his best interests at heart, especially knowing he was more often than not, incapable of taking care of himself.

He had sunk so far down on the seat, he now had to prop his head up on his hand watching Justin sleep. "Shit, Sparky, that's a near-impossible question to answer. I'd like to say yes but it doesn't feel right. I know what you're meaning here but the emotional state he's in at the moment, he doesn't have the capacity to process anything. He can't even process Sash's condition or his own injuries. Whatever answer I'd get would be reactionary and not an accurate dive into how he really would feel about this in the longer term. I feel like I need to sleep on it all and just go somewhere to be alone with my thoughts for awhile. I don't want anyone to feel forced into anything."

[aussielawyer]

"You underestimate how much he cares about you and Alexis being happy. How much of an urge he has to take care of the people he loves. He's got Campbell blood, Sammy. As much as we want to care for him, he wants to care for us. If this wasn't Alexis, if it was another woman you were in love with right now and you got this diagnosis and she was okay with the idea of possibly having a family with you down the track, would you make the decision to freeze your sperm? I know it's fucking impossible to unpack the objective thread from all this stress and emotion but it's okay to be a little bit selfish with this, mate. You won't hurt Jus, it'll just be something he needs to work through and adapt to. Not yet. When he's in a better place. But none of this is immediate for you either. You have to get through treatment and all the struggles with that..." Mark trailed off and went quiet, ashamed that his addiction had to seep in again and he couldn't be the support Sam needed. At least, not until he got his shit together.

He cleared his throat. "Why aren't you pissed at me? For falling off the wagon when you need me the most?" he finally asked, having hedged the issue without confronting it from the start. If the car crash hadn't happened and landed Jus and Sash in hospital, he knew Sam's reaction would probably be different. "I don't know how I let it fucking happen."

[breakablehearts]

Sam slowly wet his lips and shook his head. "No, I don't, Sparky. I really don't. I don't underestimate anything about that poor kid. He's more capable of shouldering things than all use adults are collectively. It's his urge to take care of the people he loves that complicates this because right now, how he is, he's not well enough to. You have to remember his past dissociative amnesia and any blow could cause that to relapse. He might check out again and it might be for a very long time. He knows you're sick, he knows I am. But I guarantee you right now, he can't calibrate that and I don't want to pressure him with anything more than is absolutely vital." He saw the change in Mark when something must've crossed his mind and hit him hard, so he put his arm around him, squeezing his shoulder. "We'll get through it, Sparky. We always do. And look... okay. I would do it in that fictional scenario. It would be just part of the process. But any future kid in that scenario would be nothing more than Justin's cousin. Not his sibling." And that's where he finally got to the crux of the struggles.

"Sparky..." He sighed wearily and rubbed his forehead between eyes where a painful headache was setting in. "That's like asking why you're not pissed at Justin for walking into the ocean at Bondi. You have a mental illness. You didn't let anything happened. You're unwell, you need treatment. You're self-sabotaging and that's destructive. It's as simple and as complicated as that. I would never be pissed at you for any of this. I might get frustrated and upset because as you know in caring for Justin, sometimes things can get too much but fuck, I would never blame you. You're blaming yourself enough for everyone and that's why you're ill and it's exacerbating. Come here..." He pulled Mark into a hug, holding him close and rubbing his back. "I love you, okay? I need you to never forget that. We'll get you back on track and then you can take care of me with my shit."