[FACEBOOK]

[bemydownfall]

That awkward moment when your heart feels like it's gone five rounds with Muhammed Ali and it shows no signs of stopping.

Comments

[bemydownfall]

I'll never forget him telling me how he felt about me. We were really young, and it was like... this amazing feeling that things were right. And then I ruined it.

[artsdesire]

I'm going to try to be as polite as I can be here so I can hopefully understand the situation, but... was it just easier for you to be a coward and hide than it was to love him and be with him? I mean, I understand closeting in general. I do. But when someone's there and wants to love you, wouldn't it be worth the fight?

[bemydownfall]

Maybe so. He was beaten half to death by his dad, and I didn't know what to do or how to keep us safe, so I ran away from it. He would've been worth the fight without a doubt. I ran away, and when I realized what a huge mistake it was, it was too late. He would've been worth it all.

[artsdesire]

So, why do you think he would want to give you a second chance if you hurt him that much? If it was me, I'd be telling you to go eat acid and burn.

[bemydownfall]

I don't really think he would or wouldn't do anything. I know what I hope for, but I have no delusions.

[artsdesire]

What if he's nothing like you remember?

[bemydownfall]

Then I'll get to know him again... I want to do that anyway.

[artsdesire]

Have you addressed the issues as to why you've been closeted?

[bemydownfall]

With him or just in general?

[artsdesire]

With yourself. You can't help him if you have issues of your own you haven't addressed. You can vow all you want to not hurt him again and won't do this or that, but if you haven't dealt with your own issues, you can't tell him how to suck eggs on his.

[bemydownfall]

Yeah. It was because I was afraid. But I'm not afraid anymore. Not of being gay or being out. I'm afraid of losing him. I want to be with him. I cut the harmful people out of my life. It's time to move forward.

[artsdesire]

Yeah, but that closeted, do the issues just disappear because you hit the unfriend button on Facebook a few times? I didn't even know you were gay.

[bemydownfall]

They don't just disappear, no. But I'm telling you now. I don't want to hide anymore. The fear was disappointing my parents, and they're out of my life now. I'm trying to find my way... Maybe counseling wouldn't hurt. I've been thinking about that, too.

[artsdesire]

I won't tell you that you should do this or do that, but I think if you want to engage with someone as part of their support network after they've attempted suicide (and you may have been part of contributory emotions with it), you need to make sure you have your own ducks in a row or you could be more of a hindrance than a help to him.

[bemydownfall]

I want to be strong for him. And for me. I'll be the first to admit I have a lot to learn, but the desire to be out and beside him is there. I'll do what I need to do to get there. I just don't know 100% what all that might be.

[artsdesire]

Yeah, but wanting it is one thing. Pulling it off effectively is another.

[bemydownfall]

I'm more than open to suggestions here, dude. I'm scared to death, but he's worth it to me.

[artsdesire]

I think you need to get to know who he is now. Any help you give someone you don't know is superficial. Which won't be easy if he's suicidal and doesn't know what way is up. There's always a difficult post-suicide attempt haze where they don't know how to deal with the fact they're still here.

[bemydownfall]

I want to know the real him. The him he is now. The person I know is a 15 year old kid. He's a man now, and he's been through things I couldn't even imagine. My life isn't perfect, but I'm prepared to be out and be open and help him.

[artsdesire]

Do something nice for him then. I mean, words are words. They mean nothing. If he's been through that much, maybe he just needs some TLC. We all do sometimes.

[bemydownfall]

He's so sick right now... I was trying to think of something to let him know that I'm thinking of him that doesn't require him expending energy. Like sending flowers, but I don't know if he's a flowers kind of guy.

[artsdesire]

Does it matter if he is or not? It's not about what you give, it's the gesture. Did he used to be someone who would like flowers?

[bemydownfall]

When we were kids, he loved flowers. We used to pick them together.

[artsdesire]

Then he probably still does, dude. I don't think there's many people who don't. Do you know Lorenzo or Mitch? Go see them. You can't beat them for florists.

[bemydownfall]

I've met Lorenzo before. It was actually at his florist shop when I was an intern at my job. I had to pick up flowers for an event. His work is beautiful