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[bemydownfall]

That awkward moment when your heart feels like it's gone five rounds with Muhammed Ali and it shows no signs of stopping.

Comments

[artsdesire]

Heart? I thought you were single.

[bemydownfall]

I am... Single, but it's been a hell of a few weeks. My one that got away sort of... showed up in my life again totally unexpectedly... and by one that got away, I mean the one I pushed away like a fucking idiot.

[artsdesire]

So, she's pissed at you?

[PM]

[bemydownfall]

He. It's a really long story. I thought he was dead. We were kids, and I was... Fucking terrified and ran away from what I had with him. When he showed up in my life again, we started sort of... back at square one in a way. Only last night he tried to kill himself, and I think he has a lover he didn't tell me about, and I don't know where I fit, but I don't want to walk away if he's in pain, no matter what my role is.

[artsdesire]

He? Well, that escalated quickly. Why were you terrified of him?

[bemydownfall]

I wasn't terrified of him. I was terrified of his dad. He was an abusive alcoholic douchebag.

[artsdesire]

Are you the reason he hurt himself?

[bemydownfall]

I don't know. I may be part of it. He's been exposed to HIV and he's going through hell on PEP, and I think he'd been able to put the past behind him on some level... probably not completely, but somewhat, until I was in his life again. So I could be part of the reason why. I don't know. He didn't talk much about it. He's been in pain and sick from the medication... He just told me he was going to take a shower, and then this other guy showed up out of the blue, because he didn't tell me anything, but he called the other person to come and help him.

[artsdesire]

What are you going to do if he does have a lover? Why do you think he's the boyfriend?

[bemydownfall]

I don't know. I'll still be his friend. I still love him, and that's never changed... Even when I thought he was dead. Because he came in, and he was... tender with him... Kissed him on the head like you would someone you love.

[artsdesire]

Did your... friend, almost lover person say he had a parter?

[bemydownfall]

No. He didn't. That's what threw me off when this guy showed up. He was beautiful, though. If that's his partner, I could understand why.

[artsdesire]

I guess it would make sense if he was showing up there to help. Maybe he called him to help? You hear about that. People hurt themselves and then panic about what they've done.

[bemydownfall]

Yeah. I'm just at a loss. I don't know what any of this means. I thought maybe there was a chance of us working through everything, but now... I'm realizing maybe I didn't know anything at all.

[artsdesire]

Dude, if you haven't seen him in forever, you really don't know anything at all. If you face that head-on, it might make it easier for you to talk some of it through with him than trying to connect the dots without him.

[bemydownfall]

No... You're right. I don't. And these are all things I want to talk to him about and ask him. But I don't want to overwhelm him, either. And I don't want him to feel like I'm going to walk away, either. He was my best friend for years even before we fell in love. Even if there's never anything other than the friendship, I don't want to jeopardize that.

[artsdesire]

I'm pretty sure you just landing back into his life after walking out of it awhile ago is overwhelming for all concerned by default. Is there anyone there you can ask what's going on with him?

[bemydownfall]

I think you're probably right. And I don't know what has happened to him in the years since I've seen him... If I've made it worse by being here. I don't think so. I'm not anything to him on paper, so the doctors can't tell me anything, and I don't know where the maybe lover person went to ask him... And I don't know anyone associated with him here.

[artsdesire]

Maybe you did, but I'm pretty sure you don't need me to tell you that you just have to respect the depth of his pain, whatever is causing it. Something is, and it's not superficial. So, lurk in a corridor until you see someone go in or come out of his room? Lover person will probably come back to check on him.

[bemydownfall]

No... Superficial pain doesn't lead to what he tried to do. I respect it. I know that he's been carrying a lot of pain for a really long time. I can do that. Hopefully someone will tell me.

[artsdesire]

It probably just got too much. I haven't been there myself, but I know people who have been in that place. There's no right or wrong way to pick up the pieces after it. Unless he's completely alone, someone will come to him. If he's anything like me, family will flock like buzzards to a corpse.

[bemydownfall]

I've been depressed and tired, but not quite to that point. Close, but not quite there. He said he's got a family here... people who love him. He won't be alone. I'm just glad he's not an ACTUAL corpse.

[artsdesire]

Depression is an invisible illness. Someone might look okay on the outside, but inside, they're fighting a crushing darkness. He might not have been so open with you about any of it. Or maybe any of it if he's not sure he can trust you.

[bemydownfall]

And he wouldn't be. I didn't give him any reason to trust me before he left, and since we've reunited, it hasn't really been that long. I was trying to earn his trust. I still want to.

[artsdesire]

Maybe that's part of what's haunting him. He can't have you how he always wanted to.