"Lost that lovin' feeling."

[breakthesilence]

Who: Quentin Lawrence and Gen Hart
What: Long time, no see
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: Tuesday morning

Tanner wasn't well again, and Nate had insisted if that happened, they should bring him back to see him. Quentin didn't know what was wrong, but Tanner had a fever all night and he had been crying on and off. His belly seemed to be sore too, so rather than just trying to settle him, Quentin called the hospital and asked when Nate's shift started in the morning so they could see him when he got there. After what happened in Mark's office a few days ago, Quentin had quietly requested that he take Tanner to the hospital on his own this time. It was just something that he needed to do. All that was still a work in progress. Quentin had been sleeping on the couch since the appointment.

So, now he was sitting in the hall waiting for Nate to see them. Of course, Nate's more serious patients had to be seen to first and at this point, Quentin had no idea that Justin was one of them. He hadn't heard the bad news. He had Tanner on his lap nursed against his chest. Tanner had fallen asleep with his head tucked in against Quentin's chest and Quentin was rubbing his back softly while he waited. He didn't matter how long he had to wait. Tanner knew Nate and trusted him. Quentin would wait there for a week for that if he had to. For now, he was just glad Tanner had settled snuggled in against him because it had been another long and unsettled night.

Comments

I was all, "Wait... didn't I have another tag somewhere?!" So fail. So so fail.

[asskickingblahniks]

"Absolutely," Gen agreed. "I've seen it with people I consider friends, and I've seen it with Mark. The way he was when we first met is incredibly different to how he is now. And even then, he had Sunshine... His little girl... before we were married, but she's healthy and safe and her mother had her while my darling husband was learning that life is better when your head isn't up your ass. That isn't to say we don't love her and enjoy having her. We do. But she doesn't require the same level of concern and attention as Justin does. Thank fuck, because it would probably give Mark another heart attack. But you're right about that. It stops being about you. You knew me before. I was dedicated to my work and to my brother and dad, but beyond that, my focus and my whole world was me. I primarily cared for my own needs. Then I married Mark, and Justin showed up drunk and high on our doorstep. He puked on Mark's shoes. And I ran like hell. Until I realized I couldn't. Like you said, ultimately, you make the decision that's best for the kid, and for Justin, that was to have two supportive parents there to care for him. It's different for every kid. And when it comes down to it, as a parent, I think you spend your whole life wondering if you did the right thing for your kid. I think it's just who you become when you become a parent."

"And he will," Gen replied with a nod. "He always says that there are no guarantees in a courtroom. Even when you think you have an open and shut case, something crazy can happen and blow your whole argument. And when you think you don't have a shot in hell, sometimes you win, too. But I think he's right. If there's a chance to redeem your innocence from the mud it was dragged through, you should definitely try." She paused, looking him over thoughtfully. "I'm glad to write you a letter, darling," she said. "I realize you're my husband's client. But you're also someone who I knew very well and very intimately for a while there. I own a huge and well known company in the City, and I'm not here to toot my own horn, but people do listen when I speak. I would be proud to write a letter for you, and I'm sure there are plenty of others who would, too. Luke and Haley probably would, too. Haley said she was Milo's mom's OB. There may have even been something that your ex said to her that could help, provided it wasn't protected under HIPAA law. What's the deal with Kevin, then? I mean with not wanting to ask people you know through him to help with this? As far as Renz, I think if you ask for the letter, it would be okay. I'm sure Mark will tell you more, but the letters may be sufficient. And if they're not, I'll gladly speak up for you in court, too. It is a huge mess. Life is a huge mess most of the time, I'm finding. But any chance we have to clean up a little bit of the mess, I think we owe it to ourselves to do the best we can. He's a quiet little guy now... I wouldn't have believed you that he wasn't a good sleeper if I didn't know some of what he's been through. That can make sleep a confusing mess, no doubt."

[breakthesilence]

"Good lesson to learn. Some people will never learn it, they're a lost cause." Tanner then woke up with a bit of a start and a whimper. Quentin braced himself for another scream fest, and there were tears welling up in the big blue eyes that were red-rimmed and swollen from just being so damn tired. Tanner lost his pacifier for a few moments, but Quentin caught it before it dropped on the floor. Holding him securely with one hand, Quentin found Tanner's bottle of juice in his diaper bag and offered it to him. Apple juice with water was the best thing to give a kid who was ill, according to Nate. Pedialyle and all that sort of stuff was good too, but Tanner didn't like it. All it lead to was bedding soaked with bright orange puke when they tried him with that, and that was why Nate put them onto this little tip. Which was perfect because Tanner liked apple juice. Sometimes, it was all they could get him to have when he was like this. Quentin murmured soft reassurances to him, and it didn't take long for the little boy to settle down again with Quentin holding the bottle for him while he drank from it, gazing up at Quentin as he did. His eyes were drooping again. He would probably doze off again in no time. "Mark said kids with trauma never really get over it. I think what it's got to boil down to is doing things differently in the best way for them. Hell, I'll probably never recover from the shit I went through either. I know my life if different now, and that means everything I do in living it is different too."

He shook his head and he found himself getting annoyed at her question about Kevin, though it exhibited only as a passing look of annoyance across his face as he actively stayed calm because Tanner was still watching him through heavy sleepy eyes while he had his juice. "Because I don't need to be goddamn bailed out of everything. I can deal with my own shit, and figure my own life out again. Otherwise, to be quite honest, I don't want to stick around and keep living it like that where he's just like, for all intents and purposes, a trumped up sugar daddy. I don't need him to bail me out, and I sure as friggen hell don't want to be in a relationship tipped that so far unbalanced that I constantly feel like a useless piece of shit. I might have nothing, but I'd rather have nothing and keep some dignity and pride than have everything band-aided over with hundred dollar bills left and right for the rest of my life. And I don't want to have to effing keep justifying why I feel like that either."

[asskickingblahniks]

The little boy woke suddenly, and Gen watched as Quentin very carefully shifted into protective daddy mode. It was obvious to her that he was made for this. The little boy seemed to recognize that he was safe, if still feeling icky, and that Quentin was going to take care of him. Gen could only imagine what that must feel like for a tiny boy who was used to being harmed, to wake up in the arms of someone who would never harm him. She wondered how long it had taken the little one to come to trust Quentin, or if there was something in a child that small that bonded to certain people right away. She knew how abuse had effected Justin, but she didn't know how it would be with such a young and tiny child. It had to be terrifying for him getting passed from person to person. "That's true, too. Some people become parents, and it's like they couldn't care less about their kid or about taking care of them. You know that from knowing what was done to Tanner, and I know it from what Justin's mother did to him, and allowed to be done to him. He was neglected and horribly abused. It makes you sick as a parent to know other parents could let harm come to their children without a care in the world."

Gen didn't mean to offend him, and she immediately shook her head. "Hey... I'm not judging you for that, sweetheart. I was just asking. You said it was a point of contention, but I didn't mean to say it shouldn't be. I'm not saying you're wrong. I was just asking. Is that how he's making you feel? Because I'm glad to go bitchslap him if you want me to." She gave him a warm, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. You don't need to justify anything to me. I'm just trying to get a better picture of the whole scenario... not to find a reason to judge you."

[breakthesilence]

"I don't know how anyone can hurt a kid, let alone repeatedly." Quentin watched as Tanner dozed back off still with the juice bottle in his mouth, so he carefully removed it and replaced it again with his pacifier. He wasn't one of those kids with it permanently in his mouth, he only liked it when he wasn't feeling good or was really upset. "It takes some evil fucking cunt of a person to keep hurting an innocent kid like that and they deserved to be in jail getting beaten and raped, or fucking six feet under for all I care. He's fucking two years old and he's been abused over and over as some sort of fucked up smoke screen of her drug dealing to throw the cops off the scent. And you know the worst part? If Nate hadn't seen the signs of abuse and reported it, the cops might never have intervened and arrested her, and it would all still be happening to him. It makes me physically sick. Which means, he probably would've ended up just like Justin, or having a drug habit before he was 10 years old if the cunt didn't kill him."

He just felt uncomfortable now. Was it any surprise he wanted to pull the plug on everything and go it alone when these people were telling him they weren't judging him, but their actual words said otherwise? Gen had just offered, in a nutshell, a watered down version of 'Well, Kevin has the money and knows all the people, so why not let him get the job done?'. The epitome of a deduction of someone who had plenty of money and using it to their advantage at their disposal. He shifted carefully in his seat and looked down at the linoleum with a brooding frown on his face. "I don't need anyone doing my fucking dirty work, thank you very much."

[asskickingblahniks]

Gen shook her head in disbelief of what someone could do to a gorgeous child like Tanner, and she had to wonder if Justin's mom had hurt him when he was this small. Had he woken up from tormented sleep screaming and crying, terrified and knowing that no one would come to hold him close the way Quentin was now doing with Tanner? Did he spend his nights scared of someone coming to hurt him again, or fear to cry when he needed help because he knew his cries would be met, not with comfort, but with contempt? "He's just... He's so tiny and he needs so much. I can't wrap my mind around someone so tiny looking to you to love and care for them, and your response being to do them harm. It's fucking bullshit. Nothing, and I mean nothing in the entire world makes me more angry than people abusing those who have no recourse. Kids, the elderly... People who can't fight back and have no means of getting help for the situation." She sighed heavily, watching as Quentin nursed Tanner close to him, every bit the father. She hoped to hell that they'd clear his name so that he could be free to raise this little one as his own.

At Quentin's angry words Gen very nearly arced up. The truth was, she wasn't judging him at all, nor did she think he owed her an explanation. She was simply trying to understand better what the issue was that he was dealing with between himself and Kevin. She didn't think that he should just step aside and let Kevin do all the things, because she knew that Quentin had a level of pride to him that a sugar daddy situation would never work for. She wasn't at all saying any of what Quentin apparently thought she was saying, but she knew that letting her temper get the better of her would be of no use or value in this situation. She needed to find a way to help him understand better. "Quentin, no one, least of all me, is suggesting that you let someone else do your dirty work for you. I offered to write you a letter because I know you. And I believe in your character and the person you are. And I don't think that you need to just get Kevin to pay for anything or get his friends to take care of you. You mentioned it was a bone of contention. I just wanted to understand why. But you know what? I didn't come over here to talk about Kevin's money or Kevin's friends. I came to talk to you about what's going on in your life, and this little gorgeous one you've got here. That's all."

[breakthesilence]

Quentin didn't know how to placate other people and make them feel better when he was feeling so shit himself. He didn't know how to tell them he would be fine so they had the freedom to stop trying to butt-in and fix him. He tried that, and all it seemed to do was make them try to pull that bullshit tenfold. The one lifeline Quentin had been okay in accepting was Mark offering to work his expungement case pro-bono, and even then, Quentin wanted to talk to him about setting up a payment plan when he finally got a job if all this worked out for the better. "When drugs are involved, the heart and the mind stop being human."

He just looked at her briefly before his gaze shifted. As much as she might have been joking about going to bitchslap Kevin for him, it was just one more thing on top of a whole pile of other things Quentin had been trying to drag himself through that made him feel like a completely incapable waste of space human being who couldn't function in this world without people doing things for him. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back, but he wasn't going to correct her on the fact. He wasn't going to say that he hadn't been talking about the letter, or anything else. The joke about not being able to deal with Kevin himself was just one thing too much and he couldn't switch of the anger. He felt so fucking alone in the world right now, maybe moreso than he had all along. Whatever way he looked, he felt like he couldn't get out of this awful life. Some days, he wondered how he was even still living. Now, there was Tanner, who was a reason that, for now, he had to keep living and the only way he could cope with any of this, with people who had piles of money at their disposal, was to focus on the toddler because everything else made him so angry and hurt. He was hurt, because he had enough of being made to feel useless and incapable. He made himself feel that way plenty when he had to give his son up for adoption. "How can you not understand why? I know the answer to that. Because you've never been left with absolutely nothing, not even your dignity and self-worth. You don't understand how completely mortifying and offensive it is to have people think that you're some sort of fucking charity case who you can just wave a magic wand - or a credit card - around and save everything. You don't understand, and you're incapable of being able to because your first reaction was to wonder why I wasn't just letting Kevin do it. That's why I'm angry, and that's why, right now, I'm sick of people who don't understand what I've been through trying to tell me how to suck eggs of my own life."