dreamlikenewyork | "Lost that lovin' feeling."

Entry tags:

"Lost that lovin' feeling."

Who: Quentin Lawrence and Gen Hart
What: Long time, no see
Where: Mount Sinai, NYC
When: Tuesday morning

Tanner wasn't well again, and Nate had insisted if that happened, they should bring him back to see him. Quentin didn't know what was wrong, but Tanner had a fever all night and he had been crying on and off. His belly seemed to be sore too, so rather than just trying to settle him, Quentin called the hospital and asked when Nate's shift started in the morning so they could see him when he got there. After what happened in Mark's office a few days ago, Quentin had quietly requested that he take Tanner to the hospital on his own this time. It was just something that he needed to do. All that was still a work in progress. Quentin had been sleeping on the couch since the appointment.

So, now he was sitting in the hall waiting for Nate to see them. Of course, Nate's more serious patients had to be seen to first and at this point, Quentin had no idea that Justin was one of them. He hadn't heard the bad news. He had Tanner on his lap nursed against his chest. Tanner had fallen asleep with his head tucked in against Quentin's chest and Quentin was rubbing his back softly while he waited. He didn't matter how long he had to wait. Tanner knew Nate and trusted him. Quentin would wait there for a week for that if he had to. For now, he was just glad Tanner had settled snuggled in against him because it had been another long and unsettled night.

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Justin's overdose had come as a shock to all of them. He'd seemed to be on a pretty even keel and gone down hill so fast it had blown them all away. Gen was exhausted, surviving on a diet of cafeteria food and coffee, but there was nowhere else she wanted to be until she knew that Justin was okay. But it was something you faced every day as a parent to a mentally ill child -- even when they were okay, you never knew when they might suddenly not be okay. It was just the nature of the beast of mental disorders. They could lull you into false security, and then take someone you loved from you just as quickly.

She was pretty lost in her thoughts, but that didn't keep her from noticing Quentin in the pediatrics waiting room with a tiny little boy nursed against his chest. Quentin's was a face she hadn't seen in a long time, but when he'd first moved to New York, only eighteen years old, he and Gen had met and had quite a fling. It had been short-lived, but pretty intense, and it had ended when Quentin met someone a little more age-appropriate. There had never been hard feelings. They'd agreed when it started that it wasn't serious, and if either of them was ready to move on, it would be fine. No harm, no foul. It had been a fun little thing at the time, and now here he was with a sweet little boy on his lap. Gen knew some of his story. Their grapevine in New York was pretty vast. Mark wouldn't share Quentin and Kevin's personal information from their meeting with her, because it just wasn't professional, and Mark was the epitome of a professional. She moved over to where he was sitting and sat down beside him. "Hi, handsome," she said with a small smile... though one devoid of real happiness. "Long time no see."

It really had been a long time. So much so that Quentin couldn't stop himself doing a slight double-take when she came to sit beside him. Mostly, it was because he was tired and had been off in his own little world while he waited for them to see the doctor. There was that part of him that was surprised too, because it felt like a really long time ago since they had hooked up and had a thing. It didn't just feel like a lifetime ago, it felt like someone else's lifetime after all he had been through. "Gen," he said, surprised. She was the last person he would have expected to see lingering in a peds ward. "What are you doing here?"

That may have been forward, rude, and none of his business, but he couldn't help asking. He shifted a little, and carefully, in his seat and repositioned Tanner slightly against him so he could get some circulation back in his arm. Tanner just slept on, pacifier in place, looking cute as a button like he always did with his long lashes against his cheeks while he slept. It didn't seem real that such a beautiful little thing could come from something so awful like a drug environment. In saying that, Quentin had seen Milo recently and he was pretty proud of himself for how gorgeous a baby he made. That had been a bad situation too, not all that unlike Tanner's entrance into the world.

Gen wasn't bothered in the slightest that Quentin had asked. It had been years now since they'd seen each other, and she wasn't sure how much of her life he was aware of now, despite the fact a lot of it was paparazzi fodder. "I'm here with my son," she said, unable to hide the pain and concern written all over her face. Justin was her world. She knew there were people who believed the bond you had with an adopted child couldn't be as strong as it was with a child you'd given birth to, but Gen didn't know how it could be possible for her to feel anymore bonded to Justin. And she knew biological parents who were cunts to their chidren, and vice versa. "He's... He tried to kill himself, so they're trying to make sure he isn't successful. His dad's with him now. I'm married now. To Mark Campbell. It's... It's been a while. Apparently both of our lives have changed a lot," she added, looking at the sleeping little boy nestled close against Quentin's chest.

"Who's this little cutie?" she asked softly. "He's gorgeous. Not feeling well, I take it?" She didn't touch the little boy, because he was sleeping so soundly, and if they were here, she was sure sleep was a better place for him than awake at the moment. Gen turned her eyes back on Quentin. It had been a long time, but he looked far older than he possibly could really be right now. It wasn't a matter of physically looking older. It was his eyes. When she'd known him, he'd been the brooding musician sort, but he'd been happy enough... starting school at his dream university, and living with grandparents he adored. The man she was looking at now wasn't just older in years, but his eyes told her he was much older in experiences, too. "How've you been?" she asked him, wanting an honest answer.

Quentin's mouth dropped open a little, and at first, he was too shocked to claw at words. It had barely been days since they had sat down with Mark in his office and Justin had been there prior looking perfectly fine. Quentin might not know the kid personally, but it was an absolute shock to hear this. He knew about Justin, that he was mentally ill and had a tough haul of things. But this seemed horrific. You wouldn't wish this on anyone. The Gen Quentin knew way back when was different. Which was fine, because he was different too. "I... I'm sorry. I've had times I've come close to feeling like I want to do that, but I can't imagine how it would be to have a child ill and do that to themselves. I know Mark. Actually, he's just offered to do some pro-bono work for me. I have a... life's been pretty shit to me, to be honest. Mark's going to try to help me clear some of it up. Which I couldn't do otherwise because I'm pretty much broke."

"This is Tanner. He's two. We're fostering him for a little while, but he's been abused. He keeps coming down with infections because he's had a history of poor care. He's not been well on and off since we got him. He's just so little and helpless. I mean, he looks all of one and a half with his size." He brushed Tanner's hair back from his eyes softly and went back to rubbing his back. "My life pretty much went down the toilet since we last spoke... in every way imaginable."

"It's not our first rodeo with him hurting himself and trying to do worse, but no matter how much it happens, you can never be prepared for it, and it always feels like it's ripped your heart and soul out by the roots. He's 16, but I'm just as protective of him as I would've been of a baby I gave birth to if I'd ever actually given birth. He's only been in our lives a short while in the grand scheme of things, but neither of us is ready to see him leave. Nobody should ever feel like that... Like life would be better if they could just stop living it. But I'm not naive enough to believe that no one actually suffers from those kinds of feelings." Her eyebrow immediately raised in question, though, and she was tilting her head, interested in what Quentin was saying. "Mark's a fantastic attorney. If anyone can help you with any kind of legal issues, it's him. He likes doing pro-bono work when he can, because he's been through a lot of hell on his own and seen Justin go through it. He knows how much a second chance can mean to someone who's been through the shittier side of life."

The little boy was definitely tiny, and Gen's maternal instincts were in full swing here. Quentin was holding the little one so protectively and sweetly, and she wanted to give him a hug and reassure him... But there was little reassuring that could be done in a situation with a child who'd been abused. She was helping to raise one herself, and it was never as easy as, "Don't worry, buddy! It'll all be fine!" It wouldn't be fine. To say so would be a slap in the face to anyone who'd been through the struggles of raising a victim of abuse or neglect. "He's gorgeous, but I definitely wouldn't have said two. Looks like he's bonded right with you, though. Who's the we?" She paused, looking at him with an understanding nod. "What happened, Quentin? When last I saw you, you were in the throes of young infatuation, and looking forward to the future at music school."

Quentin nodded and his eyes were lowered again to Tanner. That was something he well understood. Beyond understood. Understood so much it felt like his heart was ripped out over and over again. "I guess if he's sick, some days life does feel like it would be better if he could stop living it. We can't climb into his head and know how he feels. I mean, it's just like trying to take care of a toddler. He could be bawling or screaming, but he can't tell us what he's feeling or why he's feeling it."

"Um..." he began, not really sure where to start. It wasn't exactly a tale Disney was about to enter into a bidding war for. "I'm talking about Kevin, but I'm honestly not sure right now if there will keep being a 'we'. I don't know if we have what it takes to make a 'we'. That's all sort of just a side order of shit. "Do you know of the baby boy that Luke and Haley adopted? Well, he's mine. Milo is my grandfather's name, and I wanted to call him that if I had a son from day one. I don't really know if there's any discreet way to broach any of this, but long story short, my girlfriend got really heavily involved in drugs. I sort of dabbled a bit, but I wasn't a fan. She got into a lot of trouble, and in the process, fell pregnant. It was an accident. We were using birth control and it split. I tried to get her to take the morning after pill, but she was so hungover and coming down from a high that she puked it up and it didn't work. She tried to stay clean for the baby, but just couldn't keep her head above water. Then one day, she got raided by the cops and drugs were found in her place. So, I took the fall for her and went to prison on drug charges so she wouldn't have to give birth to our son in there. I didn't want that for him. She was getting to the end of her pregnancy, and I was let out on good behaviour. But she OD'ed and they delivered Milo by emergency c-section. She died, though. He was saved. When I was let out of prison, I had nothing. I had porned my stuff to try to take care of Sophie while she was pregnant, and I quit school because I couldn't afford to study anymore. I just wanted to do the right thing by my son. Because I got thrown in jail because of drugs, my family disowned me. I had nothing when I got out, and no one. I went to Kevin for help, and he took me in. I had to give up Milo because I had nothing to take care of him. He was born with symptoms of drug and fetal alcohol. Tanner's actually the son of a friend of Sophie's. That whole environment is just poison, as you can imagine. She's just been put in prison for drug dealing and prostitution, so Tanner was taken by the Services and placed. They're trying to get her parental rights severed so he can be adopted. I found out about him when I got a random text from her ex boyfriend asking if I knew where the biological father was once she was arrested. I couldn't stop thinking about him once I knew about him. Mark's going to petition the Social Services to expedite that, and he's going to try to get me an expungement hearing to get a Certificate of Innocence."

"That's exactly what it's like sometimes. Justin can tell us he's hurting. He can tell us the pain is there, but he can't tell us what's wrong... What hurts. All he can tell us is that it does hurt, and sometimes, he gets to that point when he just wants the pain to stop, no matter what it takes. And sometimes it happens so fast you can't see it coming. He's fine... Seems to be handling everything like a champ, doing well with work and school work. And then the next thing you know, you're at the hospital, hoping with all your heart that he wakes up from this overdose. It doesn't get any easier. You want it, too, but it just doesn't.

She listened carefully to everything he was saying, and she wanted to wrap him tight in a hug. Their past had been a fling, but Gen tended to care about the people she had flings with for the most part, unless they were total douchebags. Quentin was far from a douchebag. He'd been one of the sweetest guys she'd ever met, and she had genuinely cared for him. He wasn't the kind of person that you had in your life and didn't care for. "I do know about Luke and Haley's little one. I didn't know he was your biological son, though. He's a gorgeous little thing. If you couldn't raise him yourself, I'm glad that Luke and Haley were able to. They're wonderful, and they'll take the best care of him. Christ, darling, you've been to jail? For something you didn't do? Thank fuck Mark's your attorney. I know there are no guarantees, but if anyone in the world can do something to help you with that situation, he's your man. Plus with this little lad having been through hell, Mark's going to want to help him as much as he can, too. He's stunning. I can see how he stole your heart so quickly." She looked at him thoughtfully, how gently he nursed the little one in his arms. He was born to be a dad. It was written all over every gentle touch of his hands to the little boy. "So basically now, you're trying to get your record cleared, partially to help better your chances of raising this little one, but I'm guessing also because you're innocent and you want your record to reflect the truth, and you also don't know if you and your other half are going to stay together to want to raise him together?"

Quentin shook his head and he couldn't help but offer a sympathetic frown. "I seriously only saw Justin with Mark at his office on Friday. Justin was with him before our appointment was booked, and Mark saw him off to wherever he was headed. You have to be blind and dumb not to see the father-son bond there. I think in a lot of ways, that was why I wanted to ask him for help. Because he knows all about the stuff. He knows what it's like to be a parent and how painful it is when they're hurting. I know it's easy to say the whole 'But he looked fine then' thing, because I do understand how mental illness can be. Not personally, but Lorenzo's girlfriend and Sophie were really close friends. He and I met going to partners-in-recovery support groups with them. He used to talk about how things were with Mara."

"It's not that I couldn't raise him," he had to correct. Maybe there didn't seem to be a difference, but for him, there really was. "He was just seriously sick when he was born and needed all this special extra care that I just had no money to support him with. If I had the money, I would have been able to raise him. But you can't do anything without money. Some idealistic people our there like to say love makes the world go around, and money can't buy happiness. No, but it puts a roof over your head, food in your mouth, and buys healthcare when you're sick. Can't say you've ever seen a happy homeless and destitute person, can you? No matter how much I knew I was doing the right thing for Milo, there's still been this deep-seated ache inside that I haven't been able to shake. Everything I did to try to be a dad for him, and I still lost him. Kevin's sort of been all bull at a gate about the idealistic situation of adopting him and saying how amazing it all is. I just can't get myself into that place after everything. Right now, it's highly unlikely he'll be able to stay with us permanently because of my drug record. I honestly don't care about my innocence. I already lost everything. I was willing to do that for Milo. Mark just reminded me how much I could still be denied in the future, no matter how long I've been out of jail, if I have a criminal record for drugs. It's heartbreaking because Tanner's been pushed around from pillar to post, in and out of foster homes, after being born into a drug house and his mother making him sick to take the focus off her drug dealing. If I keep this record, it means he goes right back into the system after his time with us and it means I've fucked up another kid's life."

"They're absolutely gorgeous together," Gen said softly. "Of course, when things like this happen, Mark blames himself for not expecting it. He and Justin are so close, but that doesn't mean he always knows what to do or that he always sees it coming. But the fact they're so close just makes it that much harder when he's hurting. But you're right. Mark knows what it's like to parent a child who's been through hell. I didn't realize you knew Lorenzo... although, I guess given the circumstances, it does make sense. Lorenzo's such a sweetheart. I know he's been through hell, but he's remained the most beautiful person. You're right, though. He can look fine, and an hour later, be dosing up on pills. You just never know. And no matter how many times you say you'll be ready next time, you're never ready. Most of the time, you don't even see it coming. It just blindsides you."

She nodded in understanding. Despite being well-to-do these days, thanks to the success of the magazine she and Paris had built together, Gen had grown up in a situation where her parents could barely make ends meet. She knew what financial struggle was like. She had worked her ass off through college, survived on the ramen and PB&J diet, and when she graduated, only then had she demanded the investment from her own biological father to make FABULOUS happen. But she didn't know what it felt like to have no choice but to give up your child because you couldn't afford his medical care, and the thought made her ache for him. She very gently rested a hand on Quentin's shoulder, trying to give him comfort. "If Mark can help you get there, it would be a much better situation overall," she agreed. "He's right. Even with how great you are with him, there's pretty much no chance with that record hanging over you. But if you are able to get the Certificate of Innocence, it would give you a better chance with him, and a better chance in general. You gave Milo a chance, but that doesn't mean that all your chances have to be gone. I'm glad you're giving this a try. Mark will do everything he can to help you. That's part of why I fell in love with him... Because that's the sort of person he is. If he can help a good person who needs a hand, he will be there in a heartbeat." She was quiet for a moment before asking, "Do they have a time limit on how long he can stay with you two?"

Quentin nodded quietly. "I get it, on some level. Even if I gave my kid up for adoption. Something inside you changes when you have kids. Even if you don't get to keep them, something changes. Your life stops being about you. I don't even know if I know how to put it into words, but from the moment I knew Milo even existed, all I wanted to do was do whatever it took to take care of him. It just meant that giving him up was the best thing I could do to achieve that. It hurt like hell. It still does. I wasn't sure I wanted to go on. It felt like I had nothing left to live for. Accidentally hearing about Tanner, I realised how all that was still in me, even if I didn't have my own son anymore. Lorenzo is the same. He is one of the most strong people in this world, though to him, it probably doesn't feel like he is. He would kill and die for his little girl, and I'm glad he got to keep her. Not through her mother's family sticking their nose in and trying to get her taken from him because they thought it was his fault Mara suicided. That he didn't take care of her enough."

"He said he can try. I understand he's a complete professional and won't promise or guarantee outcomes like shady attorneys would to get your money out of you. He was honest in that it was a shot in the dark, but because I'm actually innocent, it would be worth it to any future proceedings that might happen with Tanner. I just don't know. I feel more confused than ever now." He shrugged helplessly. "He said letters of support would help, but I wouldn't know where to start with that. Most people I know these days are because Kevin knows them and that's... a bone of contention enough already. There's Lorenzo, and he would gladly do it, but he's got so much on his plate right now as it is. I wouldn't want him needing to stand up in a hearing like that if he needed to and give a character witness. It just feels like all a huge mess. I feel like I have this constant tension headache. But honestly, Tanner is up crying a lot of nights. It goes with the territory."

"Absolutely," Gen agreed. "I've seen it with people I consider friends, and I've seen it with Mark. The way he was when we first met is incredibly different to how he is now. And even then, he had Sunshine... His little girl... before we were married, but she's healthy and safe and her mother had her while my darling husband was learning that life is better when your head isn't up your ass. That isn't to say we don't love her and enjoy having her. We do. But she doesn't require the same level of concern and attention as Justin does. Thank fuck, because it would probably give Mark another heart attack. But you're right about that. It stops being about you. You knew me before. I was dedicated to my work and to my brother and dad, but beyond that, my focus and my whole world was me. I primarily cared for my own needs. Then I married Mark, and Justin showed up drunk and high on our doorstep. He puked on Mark's shoes. And I ran like hell. Until I realized I couldn't. Like you said, ultimately, you make the decision that's best for the kid, and for Justin, that was to have two supportive parents there to care for him. It's different for every kid. And when it comes down to it, as a parent, I think you spend your whole life wondering if you did the right thing for your kid. I think it's just who you become when you become a parent."

"And he will," Gen replied with a nod. "He always says that there are no guarantees in a courtroom. Even when you think you have an open and shut case, something crazy can happen and blow your whole argument. And when you think you don't have a shot in hell, sometimes you win, too. But I think he's right. If there's a chance to redeem your innocence from the mud it was dragged through, you should definitely try." She paused, looking him over thoughtfully. "I'm glad to write you a letter, darling," she said. "I realize you're my husband's client. But you're also someone who I knew very well and very intimately for a while there. I own a huge and well known company in the City, and I'm not here to toot my own horn, but people do listen when I speak. I would be proud to write a letter for you, and I'm sure there are plenty of others who would, too. Luke and Haley probably would, too. Haley said she was Milo's mom's OB. There may have even been something that your ex said to her that could help, provided it wasn't protected under HIPAA law. What's the deal with Kevin, then? I mean with not wanting to ask people you know through him to help with this? As far as Renz, I think if you ask for the letter, it would be okay. I'm sure Mark will tell you more, but the letters may be sufficient. And if they're not, I'll gladly speak up for you in court, too. It is a huge mess. Life is a huge mess most of the time, I'm finding. But any chance we have to clean up a little bit of the mess, I think we owe it to ourselves to do the best we can. He's a quiet little guy now... I wouldn't have believed you that he wasn't a good sleeper if I didn't know some of what he's been through. That can make sleep a confusing mess, no doubt."

"Good lesson to learn. Some people will never learn it, they're a lost cause." Tanner then woke up with a bit of a start and a whimper. Quentin braced himself for another scream fest, and there were tears welling up in the big blue eyes that were red-rimmed and swollen from just being so damn tired. Tanner lost his pacifier for a few moments, but Quentin caught it before it dropped on the floor. Holding him securely with one hand, Quentin found Tanner's bottle of juice in his diaper bag and offered it to him. Apple juice with water was the best thing to give a kid who was ill, according to Nate. Pedialyle and all that sort of stuff was good too, but Tanner didn't like it. All it lead to was bedding soaked with bright orange puke when they tried him with that, and that was why Nate put them onto this little tip. Which was perfect because Tanner liked apple juice. Sometimes, it was all they could get him to have when he was like this. Quentin murmured soft reassurances to him, and it didn't take long for the little boy to settle down again with Quentin holding the bottle for him while he drank from it, gazing up at Quentin as he did. His eyes were drooping again. He would probably doze off again in no time. "Mark said kids with trauma never really get over it. I think what it's got to boil down to is doing things differently in the best way for them. Hell, I'll probably never recover from the shit I went through either. I know my life if different now, and that means everything I do in living it is different too."

He shook his head and he found himself getting annoyed at her question about Kevin, though it exhibited only as a passing look of annoyance across his face as he actively stayed calm because Tanner was still watching him through heavy sleepy eyes while he had his juice. "Because I don't need to be goddamn bailed out of everything. I can deal with my own shit, and figure my own life out again. Otherwise, to be quite honest, I don't want to stick around and keep living it like that where he's just like, for all intents and purposes, a trumped up sugar daddy. I don't need him to bail me out, and I sure as friggen hell don't want to be in a relationship tipped that so far unbalanced that I constantly feel like a useless piece of shit. I might have nothing, but I'd rather have nothing and keep some dignity and pride than have everything band-aided over with hundred dollar bills left and right for the rest of my life. And I don't want to have to effing keep justifying why I feel like that either."

Edited 2015-08-22 11:53 (UTC)

The little boy woke suddenly, and Gen watched as Quentin very carefully shifted into protective daddy mode. It was obvious to her that he was made for this. The little boy seemed to recognize that he was safe, if still feeling icky, and that Quentin was going to take care of him. Gen could only imagine what that must feel like for a tiny boy who was used to being harmed, to wake up in the arms of someone who would never harm him. She wondered how long it had taken the little one to come to trust Quentin, or if there was something in a child that small that bonded to certain people right away. She knew how abuse had effected Justin, but she didn't know how it would be with such a young and tiny child. It had to be terrifying for him getting passed from person to person. "That's true, too. Some people become parents, and it's like they couldn't care less about their kid or about taking care of them. You know that from knowing what was done to Tanner, and I know it from what Justin's mother did to him, and allowed to be done to him. He was neglected and horribly abused. It makes you sick as a parent to know other parents could let harm come to their children without a care in the world."

Gen didn't mean to offend him, and she immediately shook her head. "Hey... I'm not judging you for that, sweetheart. I was just asking. You said it was a point of contention, but I didn't mean to say it shouldn't be. I'm not saying you're wrong. I was just asking. Is that how he's making you feel? Because I'm glad to go bitchslap him if you want me to." She gave him a warm, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. You don't need to justify anything to me. I'm just trying to get a better picture of the whole scenario... not to find a reason to judge you."

"I don't know how anyone can hurt a kid, let alone repeatedly." Quentin watched as Tanner dozed back off still with the juice bottle in his mouth, so he carefully removed it and replaced it again with his pacifier. He wasn't one of those kids with it permanently in his mouth, he only liked it when he wasn't feeling good or was really upset. "It takes some evil fucking cunt of a person to keep hurting an innocent kid like that and they deserved to be in jail getting beaten and raped, or fucking six feet under for all I care. He's fucking two years old and he's been abused over and over as some sort of fucked up smoke screen of her drug dealing to throw the cops off the scent. And you know the worst part? If Nate hadn't seen the signs of abuse and reported it, the cops might never have intervened and arrested her, and it would all still be happening to him. It makes me physically sick. Which means, he probably would've ended up just like Justin, or having a drug habit before he was 10 years old if the cunt didn't kill him."

He just felt uncomfortable now. Was it any surprise he wanted to pull the plug on everything and go it alone when these people were telling him they weren't judging him, but their actual words said otherwise? Gen had just offered, in a nutshell, a watered down version of 'Well, Kevin has the money and knows all the people, so why not let him get the job done?'. The epitome of a deduction of someone who had plenty of money and using it to their advantage at their disposal. He shifted carefully in his seat and looked down at the linoleum with a brooding frown on his face. "I don't need anyone doing my fucking dirty work, thank you very much."

Gen shook her head in disbelief of what someone could do to a gorgeous child like Tanner, and she had to wonder if Justin's mom had hurt him when he was this small. Had he woken up from tormented sleep screaming and crying, terrified and knowing that no one would come to hold him close the way Quentin was now doing with Tanner? Did he spend his nights scared of someone coming to hurt him again, or fear to cry when he needed help because he knew his cries would be met, not with comfort, but with contempt? "He's just... He's so tiny and he needs so much. I can't wrap my mind around someone so tiny looking to you to love and care for them, and your response being to do them harm. It's fucking bullshit. Nothing, and I mean nothing in the entire world makes me more angry than people abusing those who have no recourse. Kids, the elderly... People who can't fight back and have no means of getting help for the situation." She sighed heavily, watching as Quentin nursed Tanner close to him, every bit the father. She hoped to hell that they'd clear his name so that he could be free to raise this little one as his own.

At Quentin's angry words Gen very nearly arced up. The truth was, she wasn't judging him at all, nor did she think he owed her an explanation. She was simply trying to understand better what the issue was that he was dealing with between himself and Kevin. She didn't think that he should just step aside and let Kevin do all the things, because she knew that Quentin had a level of pride to him that a sugar daddy situation would never work for. She wasn't at all saying any of what Quentin apparently thought she was saying, but she knew that letting her temper get the better of her would be of no use or value in this situation. She needed to find a way to help him understand better. "Quentin, no one, least of all me, is suggesting that you let someone else do your dirty work for you. I offered to write you a letter because I know you. And I believe in your character and the person you are. And I don't think that you need to just get Kevin to pay for anything or get his friends to take care of you. You mentioned it was a bone of contention. I just wanted to understand why. But you know what? I didn't come over here to talk about Kevin's money or Kevin's friends. I came to talk to you about what's going on in your life, and this little gorgeous one you've got here. That's all."

Quentin didn't know how to placate other people and make them feel better when he was feeling so shit himself. He didn't know how to tell them he would be fine so they had the freedom to stop trying to butt-in and fix him. He tried that, and all it seemed to do was make them try to pull that bullshit tenfold. The one lifeline Quentin had been okay in accepting was Mark offering to work his expungement case pro-bono, and even then, Quentin wanted to talk to him about setting up a payment plan when he finally got a job if all this worked out for the better. "When drugs are involved, the heart and the mind stop being human."

He just looked at her briefly before his gaze shifted. As much as she might have been joking about going to bitchslap Kevin for him, it was just one more thing on top of a whole pile of other things Quentin had been trying to drag himself through that made him feel like a completely incapable waste of space human being who couldn't function in this world without people doing things for him. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back, but he wasn't going to correct her on the fact. He wasn't going to say that he hadn't been talking about the letter, or anything else. The joke about not being able to deal with Kevin himself was just one thing too much and he couldn't switch of the anger. He felt so fucking alone in the world right now, maybe moreso than he had all along. Whatever way he looked, he felt like he couldn't get out of this awful life. Some days, he wondered how he was even still living. Now, there was Tanner, who was a reason that, for now, he had to keep living and the only way he could cope with any of this, with people who had piles of money at their disposal, was to focus on the toddler because everything else made him so angry and hurt. He was hurt, because he had enough of being made to feel useless and incapable. He made himself feel that way plenty when he had to give his son up for adoption. "How can you not understand why? I know the answer to that. Because you've never been left with absolutely nothing, not even your dignity and self-worth. You don't understand how completely mortifying and offensive it is to have people think that you're some sort of fucking charity case who you can just wave a magic wand - or a credit card - around and save everything. You don't understand, and you're incapable of being able to because your first reaction was to wonder why I wasn't just letting Kevin do it. That's why I'm angry, and that's why, right now, I'm sick of people who don't understand what I've been through trying to tell me how to suck eggs of my own life."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Lost that lovin' feeling."

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I accidentally deleted this tag from my email... Thank fuck it was in my inbox on DW!

Epic fail! That's why I love our rp tag.

I was all, "Wait... didn't I have another tag somewhere?!" So fail. So so fail.

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