dreamlikenewyork | "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

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"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

Who: Ajay Bellerose and Billy Willis
What: Lazy morning
Where: Willis apartment
When: Morning after Thanksgiving

When Ajay started to wake up, he was so warm and cosy, that he didn't want to move. He had to move because he had to pee sooner rather than later, but he was going to try to fight it as much as he could. Then he realised that, once again, Billy was spooned up behind him holding him, which was why it was feeling cosy. Ajay had spent so much of his life just not wanting anyone near him or getting close enough to feel his body on any level that this was still new. New, but with Billy, it felt right.

The night before had been their first official night sleeping in the same bed together. It had been an early night, not all that long after Billy had grilled cheese for dinner and they started a marathon of Fresh Prince of Bel Air together. Ajay had been lying on the sofa with his head in Billy's lap while they watched but he had fallen asleep midway through the second episode. Billy had woken him up and suggested they hit the sack together, even if it was early. They didn't get there straight away. They took showers, and Ajay's was a bit of a process to both keep his leg dry and carefully clean around the area around the PEG tube. He was so tired too, so it had been an effort. He was out and snoring softly in bed before Billy even got out of his own shower.

Now it was morning and Ajay gave an unintentional little moan of protest about the thought of waking up. It must have alerted Billy to the fact he was awake, and the loose hold Billy's arm had around him turned into a gentle cuddle, which earned a contented sigh off Ajay.

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Billy would protest completely that Ajay snored. It was barely more than deep breathing, and he thought it was adorable anyway. When Ajay got to that point, it meant he was sleeping soundly, so he would welcome it with open arms. They did have a pretty early night, but that hadn't stopped them both sleeping in late. Billy had been awake on and off since sunrise, but he had dozed back off each time once he checked on Ajay and was satisfied he was still sleeping well. This was the first Ajay had really stirred so Billy knew he was waking up.

He nuzzled the back of Ajay's neck. "Morning, honey. How are you feeling? I know you probably won't believe me, but you're really cute when you're in a deep sleep." He couldn't help feeling head-over-heels like he was with Ajay because he still couldn't believe this was happening. Ajay wanted them to share a bed and the first night had been a success. Ajay wasn't trying to rush out of bed, and he hadn't woken at all during the night. It was a good start. Better than Billy thought it might be.

Ajay gave a soft, skeptical snort. "I'll take your word for it. I've never seen myself in a deep sleep," he pointed out. "You're nice and warm, I don't want to move. Do we have to move? I have to move, I need to go to the bathroom. Human problems." It had been a long time since he had a full night of sound sleep that wasn't broken. He couldn't explain what it was about Billy that brought him some peace, but Ajay felt like he mattered with Billy. It was a foreign sensation and he still didn't quite know the ins and outs of a relationship, but he was giving it a shot. Billy understood the pace he needed to go to, and he wanted to help with everything. His feelings for Billy were growing stronger every day. He wasn't ready to let go of that. And like Gabe said, maybe it was the key to recovery Ajay needed to push further into the next step.

He moved just a little but moaned softly. "Everything hurts. Do you mind helping me up so I can go to the bathroom? I think I'm going to embarrassingly stuck if I give it a go." He looked over his shoulder at Billy with a sleepy smile. "Maybe we could come back here after, though?"

As soon as Ajay said he was in pain, Billy was more awake and scrambling out of bed. He shoved his Rudolph slippers on and pulled his robe on in the process of walking around to Ajay's side of the bed. Yes, Ajay had a side of the bed, and Billy had a side of the bed, and together it was one bed they shared. Inwardly, Billy wanted to do cartwheels because this wasn't anything he really thought might happen. He had developing feelings for Ajay the more time they spent together, but he truly believed Ajay wasn't in the right frame of mind for anything positive, let alone dating him. But they were, and whenever Ajay' managed that smile of his, Billy got butterflies in his gut. He had never felt like this about anyone before.

He located Ajay's robe and slippers too so he would be warm, but he felt the cold so he was shivering a little once the covers were pulled back. There was also the fact that, once he was sitting on the side of the bed, Ajay was clearly sporting pretty impressive morning wood visible through his pyjama pants and Billy tried to pretend he didn't notice when he helped Ajay into his robe. "While you're in the shower, I'll have a quick bowl of Cornflakes and make us some tea, but I couldn't think of a better way to spend Black Friday than in bed with my sweetheart boyfriend who needs rest and cuddles because he has been severely lacking both."

Billy didn't just have on Rudolph slippers, but he also had a sparkly bathrobe with Santa's reindeer dancing all over it. Ajay had to laugh, and it was a true, uninhibited laugh too. "I take it you like Christmas, huh?" he teased, brushing his fingers over the back of Billy's hand. "And I'm glad you're having breakfast. Gabe said that sometimes partners of people in eating disorder recovery, especially bulimics, feel they shouldn't eat around them in case it triggers an episode or makes them relapse. Other people eating has never been an issue for me. I don't even judge what people eat, it's always just what I eat that has taken over me. But tea would be nice. Is there any of the chai left?"

He noticed that Billy noticed his 'morning problem' and promptly blushed, cheeks feeling like they were burning as he folded the bathrobe over his lap to tie it up. "Sorry..." he murmured sheepish and embarrassed. Really not a problem he had to think about before as to someone else seeing it because he always woke alone and psychologically probably killed any potential erection from happening. Having Billy lie that close to him in bed, his body was responding without taking any notice of his mind.

"I'm an epic Christmas nerd. I can't even deny it. It's just like wrapping up all the shit over the previous year with a lot of fun, and chilling out watching cheesy Christmas movies, decorating the tree so much it nearly topples over. Wait, do you go home for Christmas? Is it too much too soon if I kind of hoped we could have Christmas together? I mean, if you do Christmas. You might not, like you don't like Thanksgiving. And that's okay. Hell, you might not even believe in it. Are you Jewish? I am suddenly realising I don't know all the little important things about..." Billy said, scrunching his nose up because he had gone off on a tangent without meaning to. "I'll admit, I nearly fell into that trap because food made you uncomfortable and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. But I did a lot of reading about it, and I spoke to Gabe with ways I could get my own head around it and he told me that me going weird about my own eating might just make you feel uncomfortable by default. And I may have gone overboard on the chai shopping when you told me the tea and the lattes with almond milk were your favourite. I'm the chai Santa," he laughed.

He shook his head. "Don't be sorry. Or embarrassed. Never embarrassed, not with me, okay? We're guys, this happens. If it ever happens and you, um.... you want a, uh... hand with it, I know someone who might be interested," he joked, keeping it light because although Ajay hadn't come out and said it, Billy had a feeling he might be a virgin just from the fact of how young he had been when the bulimia started and how he said he didn't let people close him. Sex was kind of the epitome of close, so it made sense. "Let me go get the Trash Bag of Plenty for your leg so you can shower."

Ajay was smiling softly listening to Billy's cute rambles. "I've never had any set Christmas plans. I go home sometimes. The few years I was at the magazine, I stayed in New York and the one year I was with Gen, Paris, and Mikey in London for a big fashion release that was unmissable. But no, I'm not Jewish. My dad was from a long line of Catholics, so it's always been family tradition to be baptised. We've never observed, though. Dad told my grandparents that if us kids wanted to be religious, we could choose it ourselves when we got older. Still, I like Christmas. It used to be a big thing in our family when I was really young. The one time my sister and I got spoiled equally, and my grandparents would be there. It's just been a long few years since I really did anything Christmassy personally. I buy the standard gifts to go through the motions, but there's no heart there. My sister sucked the life right out of the spirit of Christmas. You would really want us to have Christmas together? Do you go all-out?"

Then he fell quiet and met Billy's gaze. "I don't know what that's like," he confessed softly. "Is it weird for you that I'm completely inexperienced? And that all of this is probably just second nature for most people, but with me, there's like epic piles of baggage? I just... I think you make me want to try it. Then I think about getting undressed, and I sort of want to have a panic attack, so even more baggage. Are you sure you don't want to find someone who is more easier to be with?"

"I think Jude and me were christened something, but our family were never religious to follow it or anything. I just like the fun of Christmas. There would be nothing I would love more than us to have Christmas together. Wherever it is, it doesn't matter. It would be our first Christmas together, and that's pretty damn cool. We can do it our way, and I'm not sure if we'd be going home for Christmas this year or not. It usually depends on Jude's work schedule if we get back for holidays and such. But if we go, you can come with us. Would you want to do that? I mean, unless you want to spend it with Travis. Which I would totally understand," Billy added quickly, leaving the ball in Ajay's court.

He sat down on the side of the bed next to Ajay and took his hand, holding it between both of his. "We don't need to get naked to be intimate, sweetheart. We also aren't going to do anything you're not ready for. You can think you want to try it at some point, and we will when you're ready, but there's no need or pressure. I also don't think of you as having baggage. You have problems and you taking a step at a time to work through them, but you're just you. I care about you, all of you. I don't care about someone else. Just you. There's no one else I want to find, I already found exactly what I want. If you want to try a little bit of anything, we can do that, and if we try and you want to stop, that will happen too. Okay?"

Ajay just shook his head a little. "Oh... no. I don't think Travis and me are to that point by any means yet. I'm not taking anything for granted there. I don't want to just assume anyone will be there. Or hope they will. Besides, he has a really close family, and parents who care, so I highly doubt he'll be anywhere but with them for Christmas. He and I have only had two conversations, so I don't know what's supposed to happen after that. It's still kind of weird for me to know he exists. I just realised I don't even where you're from. You mentioned not being a New York native because you came here when you got my old job. Christmas together sounds nice."

"Like what? Isn't naked the whole aim? Sorry... I've just..." He drew in a breath and let it out quickly. "I spent a long time just not wanting to think about any of this sort of thing. I don't mean for it to come out so blunt and naive. I know the sorts of things you mean. Wouldn't it just be like drawing the short straw, or prick-teasing? Maybe you could show me. If you don't mind if I want to stop..." Leap of faith like whoa, but if the cards were on the table and Billy was okay with being honest here, why not? If he didn't start something somewhere, he knew he never would. If they tried something and he couldn't cope, he would rather address is through therapy sooner rather than later before it turned into another monster in his head.

Billy was beginning to be able to read between the lines of what Ajay said. Ajay said so much less than he left unsaid. At first, Billy hadn't realised that. He took Ajay at face level, just like everyone else, but it was what he didn't say where the most pain laid. He could easily decipher this as a more succinct, 'I don't know if I can trust him not to hurt me yet, so I'm not going to let myself hope for more'. He leaned in and gave Ajay a soft kiss to his lips. "We'll have Christmas together. Wherever it is, we're doing it together because it's one of our first firsts and that means the world to me. I grew up in Elk Grove in California. Born and bred West Coaster turned East Coaster."

He shook his head. "No, naked isn't the whole aim. Being close, spending intimate time together because were dating and care about each other. That's the aim. It just so happens that the sex side of things feels good, so making each other feel good is the added bonus." This was a massive leap of faith, and Billy wasn't going to take it for granted. This wasn't necessarily Ajay opening up to him, it more seemed like testing the waters to whether he could open up and how it would make him feel. Billy knew the plug could be pulled, he knew it could be a very long time before they were intimate, and he was really okay with that. Many probably wouldn't be, but he knew what he was buying in to. He knew from the get-go that Ajay had issues with physical contact because he had pulled away from him the day he returned the diary. "Do you want to watch me touching myself? Or I can touch you through the layers? It doesn't have to be direct contact."

Ajay hadn't thought of having any firsts with anyone. The more time he spent with Billy, the more Billy was opening his eyes up to all these things he had blocked himself from wanting or hoping for. He had built large and sturdy emotional walls up around himself, and even though he had been in and out of therapy for years of varying intensity, it was now his connection to Billy and having a therapist like Gabe, doctors like Lachlan, who were starting to pull those walls down little by little. This really would be his first Christmas sharing it with someone he knew he was falling in love with. He hadn't let himself flirt with the L word yet, but the feelings were unlike he had ever had before. It was Billy who made them easier to feel. "I'd really like," he admitted bashfully, chewing on the corner of his lip around a hint of a smile.

Billy's suggestion earned a bit of a side-eye glance though. Couples watched each other touching themselves? That was... well, it was giving Ajay this unfamiliar hint of a thrill inside but he wasn't sure he was even ready to see Billy's private parts yet. That might push him into panic even if he was intrigued. Still, his eyes did drop momentarily to Billy's lap and quickly up again. He was processing this carefully, wetting his lips. It had to just be his urge to use the bathroom that was giving him that feeling, right? Or maybe not. Maybe there was a tiny bit of confidence sparking, tempting him to just see what this was like. "Will you try it? Touching me a little, I mean..."

Billy fought off the urge to give a dorky giggle at this. He didn't want Ajay to think he was laughing at him, though. That wasn't it at all, it was just the thought of being able to touch him because he had spent a good few mornings of late furious jerking off in the shower over fantasies about Ajay. He couldn't help it! Ajay was gorgeous, and even if he had no idea what his body was like under the clothes, it wasn't that. He didn't need Ajay to be attached to a ripped, oily body to get off. That had never been Billy's type. In fact, Billy had always been more attracted to redheads than what bodies they had. Ajay just defied every other ginger ever, though, as far as he was concerned. He had the red hair, the gorgeous green eyes, the beautiful face, and the amazing smile which Billy hadn't even seen in full force. He was pretty sure if he ever did, it would be instaboner for him.

Then he was a little nervous because he didn't want to freak Ajay out. He gave himself a little inner pep talk that if Ajay did freak out, it was okay. "Stop me at any time you need to, okay? It doesn't matter why, you don't need to explain anything. As soon as you say stop, I will." Jesus, Ajay's eyes as they held Billy's gaze. He was so in love with this guy, it wasn't funny, but they weren't at the point of saying it out loud yet. It was too soon, but he knew he felt it. He didn't pull Ajay's bathrobe open. He just slowly and carefully slipped his hand beneath it to find Ajay's erection. If it was even still there. The weight of things, Billy wouldn't blame him if it wasn't. But it was definitely still there and he just rested his hand over it with the layers of fabric as a barrier. Ajay was a very healthy size, to say the least, and Billy had to bite down on his lip to stop himself immediately coming in his own pyjama pants. "Is this okay...?" he murmured.

There wasn't really any way to pre-empty how it felt to have someone else touch you intimately. Ajay never got to that point in his life. When he worked for the magazine, he was probably the last person someone would peg as a virgin because it was easy to have the masks up, but he had never been intimate with anyone, and he very rarely masturbated himself either. It was part of his condition, the psychological issues that came with it, so this was a first that wasn't ideal given the circumstances, but he wanted to try to open himself up to the idea of it. As soon as Billy was touching him, he sucked in a breath because it felt so foreign, but he let it out in a rush and he bit down on his lip.

It was more than okay, because even if it felt unusual and he would have to get used to it, Billy was touching his dick and usually the nether regions had a mind of their own when you let them. "Yeah..." he murmured through another exhalation and put his hand over Billy's, giving his hand a soft squeeze. This time, he closed his eyes and dropped his head back, lip still firmly caught between his teeth. "A little more," he requested softly. He was surprised his nerves and anxiety over the whole thing didn't falter his erection, but once he was over that first uncertain step, he had a tiny bit more confidence over what was happening here. Billy wasn't going to hurt him. He was pushing him, or demanding anything. He didn't need anything in return, and he didn't need anything to go further. He was okay taking the small steps Ajay could manage, and Ajay couldn't deny that it felt really good.

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"If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

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