"And I'll bring you heaven if that's what you need, 'Cause you've always loved the hell out of me"

[signofthetimes]

Who: Merlin Blake and Brandon Blake
What: Pseudo-Date Night
Where: Blake Home, Upper East Side, NYC
When: After this and this

It had been a bit of a surreal few days for Brandon and he wasn't too sure how he was supposed to be feeling. He deduced that it should probably be something more able to be put into words but it wasn't and he only became conscious of that when Merlin asked him a very specific question in their DM chat. And because his husband specifically asked him to take the time to think about it before trying to answer, he did. A lot. Not that it was terribly productive and even that made him wonder more what the hell really was supposed to be going on in his mind after being diagnosed with cancer for the second time and being told he was no longer in remission.

All he had come to be feeling about that was a strange numbness. After the initial shock of the news and upset at having to tell the people he loved, this blanket feeling of detachment to it settled over him, like he was resolved to the fact he had to go through the motions - as horrible as they were to think about - yet again. This time, there was no choice but to fight. It was no longer just about him and his life. For him, it was more about Merlin now. Merlin was his life and therefore, he had to fight for his life again, whatever it took. It was what it was. But now Merlin highlighted it, he was wondering if it was a healthy state of mind to be in. With Beau out sick from work, he didn't even have anyone he could ask if this was normal or healthy to be feeling or if he was dangerously deluding himself. But whatever it was, he didn't want it to be all-encompassing at this moment. He and Merlin were going to have a pseudo-date in bed with some quality time together they both very much needed to recalibrate and catch their breath.

So, with Merlin's diet now even further restricted after his surgery and him not really having much of an appetite for any of the recovery staples the dietitian had suggested he have until his insides healed a little more, Brandon picked up a couple of pints of non-dairy Ben & Jerry's KaramelSutra (Merlin's new favourite), a thermos flask of gourmet oat milk peppermint hot chocolate, and a giant bag of Jolly Ranchers, Merlin's favourite candy. He also stopped by Lorenzo's florist and chose a beautiful bouquet of two dozen long-stemmed blue and white roses like they had for their wedding.

He found Merlin propped up in their bed amongst a mound of pillows and fluffy blankets, Ted Lasso on the TV on the wall opposite their bed, and his laptop open on his lap. He was crashed out with his phone on his chest and head lolled to the side like he had fallen asleep mid-text or mid-Twitter scroll or something. Brandon wasn't surprised. Merlin had been sleeping a lot since he was in hospital and Brandon knew all too well that if you slept a lot because you weren't well, it meant your body needed it. He was going to raincheck their pseudo-date and let Merlin sleep, but as soon as he took the remote to turn the TV down, kissing Merlin's forehead softly, Merlin woke up, his sleepy eyes looking around in confusion. Brandon laughed softly. "I was trying not to wake you, sweetheart. You should sleep while the pain's controlled. We can do this any time." Still, he rested his hand on the bed so he could lean over and give Merlin a kiss, smiling. "Hi."

Comments

[signofthetimes]

"You were incredible the first time around, baby. You're the only reason I'm still here. There's no fucking way I can do it again without you. I've never thought you didn't cope. You coped better than any of us, considering what you had to go through. If you're okay to keep nudging me to remember to talk to you about how I'm feeling, I promise I'll do my best to meet you in the middle." Brandon shifted closer and coaxed Merlin into his arms so they could cuddle now Merlin had caught his breath again after getting off. "I'm not feeling so angry anymore. It's kind of morphed into a determination not to let it get me down but I'm conscious it's going to wax and wane. When I can't sleep at night, everything plays on my mind and it starts to feel overwhelming so I don't know if this chill will last when treatment ball is rolling again. It's all going to bear on how I am with the chemo again. Really fucking not looking forward to it. Not ready to go back to feeling sick all the time."

He nodded, turning his head into Merlin's hand to nuzzle and kiss his fingers softly. "I think you nailed it, sweetheart. I'm not sick this time around. I mean, I don't want you to get worried with me saying that. Of course I'm fucking sick, they told me my cancer's back. I'm not in denial or anything. The first time around... fucking hell, I was really ill physically. It's easy to just liken it to a really bad flu but I know you're asking because you need more than that for context. I was in a lot of pain constantly. All over, inside and out. Like flu aches and pains on crack. Some days, it would be so bad, I'd vomit from the intensity. That happened a few time on set while I was filming but I don't think it really flagged anything to anyone because that just happens sometimes. I've worked through illness and exhaustion plenty of time, the cast and crew have all seen me puke at work. Probably just thought I was hungover, even though I've never actually been hungover at work. The fatigue was unrelenting, so was the constant nausea and discomfort in my guts. There were stretches I stayed in bed for days and slept upwards of thirty or forty hours straight on my days off. This time, the pain is there, the fatigue, the fever and chills bursts. It's just much more diluted and manageable. I really am going to be economical with work and my schedule. If I'm not feeling great, I'll take it easy. I've told the showrunners and they're going to sit on it until we know where I'm standing with a treatment plan. Everything's just continuing on track for now. Liam and Damien dropped by when you were crashed out and Liam mentioned Beau took a hard hit with the gastro bug but he's having a tough time with his depression. My relapse is probably stirring trauma up for him. It's okay, I totally understand. He's got to take care of himself too."

[magicmoments]

"You keep saying that but you're the one who fought cancer, not me. I'm not taking the credit when I was just the sidekick, you're the superhero, darlin'. You don't feel like it, I know, but to me, you are and always will be. And I'll always be at your side to help you fight. But you have to know that any time you don't feel up to talking for whatever reason, that's okay. I don't need you to push yourself to do anything that is too much. Just don't wall-up on me completely. All I ask is that you tell me so I don't immediately jump to something being wrong between us. Because I know that's what happened with Beau and Austin, along the lines of it anyway. I just want our marriage to be your safe place when everything else is going to shit. Have you even gotten much sleep since you got the test results? I know nights are the hardest for you. I still remember our road trip back in the beginning, it was nights when you ran into the toughest times. Not just because of how physically sick you were. When your sleep was impacted, everything else got harder to deal with too. For awhile there, you only slept when you completely wiped yourself out. I just wanna try to be conscious of the road blocks we had the first time and maybe try to head some off at the pass, if we can, you know?" Brandon was warm and cosy when they melted together in the embrace. It always felt so right when they were like this. "It's hard to think it's gonna be anything but, huh? How might you be able to work through that? I barely feel like putting on pants after when I'm sick and been puking. But I've seen Justin do it. It's doable. You gotta give a shot."

He brushed his fingertips up and down Brandon's side, enjoying the closeness and touch they were sharing. Brandon was right, it was exactly what they both needed. "It's funny how it's always so much easier to be compassionate for others than it is ourselves. I ain't sure you even believe you deserve compassion. But then, you don't wanna feel like just a cancer patient and you're searching to find your identity again beyond that. See? I do get it. Your work has been a huge part of your identity for years, you wanna hold onto that as long as you can. I'm glad the showrunners get that on some level. On the flipside, you're basically the core of their show's identity. You matter to them, I know you do. At the same time, you're such a private person that needing to expose any lil' part of your health struggles feels invasive. It's more than you wanna have to tell anyone. Have you thought any more about whether you wanna go public with it this time? You don't have to. You don't owe anyone your private life. I love you, okay? Every single step of the way, I'll protect you with my life, no matter what."

[signofthetimes]

"Honestly? Beau stepping down from my case is a bit terrifying. Not that I'm going to lay anything on him. The last couple of times I saw him, he looked exhausted. But I get a sense from connecting the dots of what people have said that his relapse was horrific and he barely scraped through. He's not under any obligation to talk to me about it, of course. He's only ever been my doctor, he's just like family through six degrees of separation and the last thing I'd want is to be any sort of trigger for his own trauma. It's the what he can't talk to me about that worries me. On the other hand, I don't want to get stuck in this catastrophizing mindset because I think it'd destroy me. I've been doing a hell of a lot of thinking, sweetheart, and I feel like the best shot we have is keeping it simple. Taking whatever hits as it comes. If I get really sick, then I stop. If not, I keep going. I haven't really slept much since Tara and Beau gave me the results but it's not all on that. I've been worrying about you too. I think I might just hit the Ambien tonight and take the next couple of days before my appointment with Tara to catch up on some sleep. What do you say, babe? Want to have a catch up on sleep and chill date with me for the next few days?" Brandon's lips met Merlin's in a leisurely soft kiss, caressing his hand over Merlin's upper belly, above where the surgical dressings were. "There's stuff I can take to temporarily ease puking bouts to get through shoots. It's either going to be the trots, nose bleeds, or pain that takes me out."

He laced his fingers with Merlin's giving his hand a squeeze. Without a doubt this intimate alone time together was therapeutic. They learned that early in their relationship, that sometimes, you had to shut the rest of the world out for a bit to be able to breathe. "Speaking of road trips and road blocks... I think I need to visit Norm and Jean again to tell them in person. You're right, though. I have no fucking clue who I am anymore. Putting on my game face as Brandon Blake the Celebrity again feels like I'm just playing another part. It's a weird disconnect that I don't really know what to do with. My gut's telling me I should just put out a simple statement and leave it at that. But the other thing is, once I do that, it puts me under the microscope for the media and fans to hyperfixate on my being sick and I fucking hate that. What about you? How do you think we should tackle all this? I know it's my work and all that shit but you're my husband, it's our life together. And it's a fucking lot, I know."

[magicmoments]

"It was before I moved to New York but Beau's always been in our lives since Liam and Damo hooked up. Liam and Beau were dating at the time Liam was raped and from what I hear, they were serious and would probably still be together today if that hadn't happened. When Damo met Liam by eye-sexing each other through a mirror, Beau was Liam's best friend. They kept hold of their friendship. When I was still back home, Damo talked a lot about what Liam was going through when Beau was sick again. They didn't know if another marrow transplant would work for him, he was that sick. Like, they were almost at the point of talking palliative stuff when they decided to try it, even though they knew that if it didn't work, he would be terminal. It was traumatic because he got really ill at home from an infection and legit died. Tara was there and Austin told her to override the DNR, which she did because she wasn't on shift at the hospital, otherwise she would've been legally bound to it. She was there to assess whether he needed to be admitted to hospital. It was one of those bad infections that moved so quick, it was a matter of hours that he went from okay managing at home to being on death's door. He used to be okay talking about it all and answering questions but since he was diagnosed with depression and had suicidal thoughts, he's struggled with shame. Shame about beating cancer twice and then having displaced thoughts about ending his life, which is how Liam put it. It's gotta be a hard traumatic thing to have going on in your head. It's the what that probably worries him talking to you about too. Worried that he'll spook you that you could be on that road too and no real way of promising you won't. Beau peacing out for a bit, I think, is his way of helping you?" Not that Merlin could be 100% sure on that but he did know Beau like he was a brother and that seemed like a very Beau mindset. He wished he could tell him not to worry because in the grander scheme of this whole thing, Brandon was scrappy and determined to try to at least keep a step ahead this time ahead if he could. Hearing about Beau's relapse wouldn't have freaked him out or traumatised him. Brandon had nothing but compassion and empathy for him for having fought the same fought. He saw Beau as both a brother-in-arms and his doctor. You couldn't separate the two. "Yes. Hell yes, do I wanna do all that. Jeez, what even happens if tv stars have the trots during shooting? Like, don't get me wrong, I know what we do as stage actors but there are more moving parts to what you do. And more money involved. Like, does the whole set just know you've got the trots? That's... embarrassing and invasive. I think I'd die of embarrassment. The unglamorous side of the glamour world."

He thought on Brandon's predicament for a few moments and then shook his head. "Don't make any choices now. How about we hit the road again and that'll give you plenty of time to think about what you wanna do. It ain't gonna be the same this time as it was before, you'll feel differently about a hell of a lotta shit. Maybe the answer's probably somewhere in the grey area? You just get Olympia to slip into the PR somewhere that you're needing, like, maintenance treatment or some shit so as you start filming again, you'll need a bit of extra support. If you get worse, we deal with it then. Cancer's a complex thing and no two people are the same, so no one can really know how yours is being treated. Some people do need small amounts of treatment over longer periods of time. Just more of a like 'not outta the woods yet' deal. I think most people are compassionate. The assholes aren't the majority. At least, that's been our experience with Jus. He'll say that. Maybe you could ask Mark for his legal opinion?"

[signofthetimes]

Brandon was quiet after Merlin gave him the cliff notes version of what Beau and Austin went through. He knew some of it from Beau himself and he had heard Liam touch on things at different times. Enough to know that it was a traumatic ordeal for the whole family when Beau nearly didn't make it a second time. But what Merlin was detailing was the complicated emotional layers cancer had for everyone touched by it and why it was such a fucking stressful thing to go through, let alone twice. "When I went through that, albeit on a lesser scale, just after I met you, I felt the same weird chaotic mess of emotions. I didn't want to die from cancer but I also didn't feel like I could survive the, well, surviving of it. I had no idea it was depression associated with cancer treatments that caused me to feel like that. A lot of people who haven't been sick with cancer couldn't fathom it. I couldn't even fathom it in the days after it happened. You just start feeling like you have no control over your body and it's such a horrible feeling, that something in you that you can't see is killing you. Everything in your heart and head should go against that, but it doesn't. Justin absolutely nailed it in that interview that time where he first revealed he had attempted suicide because of his bipolar. It's not that you want to die, it's this overwhelming force that you don't want to live... like that. That little disclaimer he added at the end, it hit the nail on the head. It's not even as simple as not wanting to live. It's that you're so weak and wiped out from battling against your body or mind. Depression doesn't play games. I've been trying to think if there was some way I could just let Beau know that I understand and could never have expected him to re-live his trauma if it's triggering for him right now. He and Tara are the absolute A Team and I was lucky to have them both, along with Lachlan. I don't want Beau to feel like he has to avoid me because all I need is for him to be that cancer doctor who had the same cancer as me. The Leukemia Yoda. Fuck that. I guess what I'm trying to say is he is still family for all the reasons you say, I don't want him to feel he has to actively give us a wide berth. I don't need a Leukemia Yoda. I'm my own Leukemia Yoda now. Fuck. Wish I didn't have to say that but it's true. That's why I'm determined for this to not be a rinse/repeat of last time, not just for us, but everyone."

He groaned and scrunched his face up. "That's pretty much how it's always been shooting the show for me as the lead character. The way the show is written, literally every scene is anchored to Saxon in some way. They've always been ultra professional and a great place to work but sometimes, it's such a tightly closed circuit that if I'm late on set or delayed multiple times, it's hard to avoid the reason why being known. I'm an actor and famous, but still human. Thankfully, NDAs mean our secrets are kept in that closed circuit and we've all had those days where embarrassing things are known. But the trots are, without a doubt, the most embarrassing. We laugh it off mostly, though. I think we've all learned to keep a healthy stock of Imodium on hand and plow through. Never going to take minor illness for granted ever again. Another thing I'm not looking forward to. Cast and crew watching me like a hawk to make sure I'm not going to keel over. As soon as they know I'm sick again, that's a given. They care, I know they do. Sick people don't always want to be reminded they're sick all the time. I don't want to bother Mark with everything he's got on his plate but maybe I could send Ash an email and see if he can give me his two cents. Okay, so... Cape Cod then from there, Idaho? What about Cillian?"

[magicmoments]

When their conversation took them back to that night when Brandon almost overdosed on his medication because he hit rock bottom, it was difficult for Merlin's still very vivid memory not to jump back there too. He listened quietly, cherishing the fact his husband opened up to him so much now. They had come a long way since hat road trip and even if there were still a lot of bumps in the road, he was reminded that they definitely were strong enough to face this again. But that didn't stop the fear that came in many different shapes and sizes. "If you feel like that again when you restart chemo, will you try to tell me so I can help you? Or get help for you? I ain't saying you should try to avoid it 'cause I don't think it's as simple as that. I think once you start treatment again, these difficult feelings are gonna come back. But you know, darlin', I think Beau knows. When you were real sick back then, when it looked like you might not survive and it was real touch and go, Beau was there. He stayed with you for hours on end when he wasn't on shift, just 'cause he knew what you were going through. He knows you're gonna get it if he's going through a rough patch now. It ain't gonna be a rinse/repeat, though. You know why? 'Cause this time, you aren't starting out alone and you know what your body needs once the worst hits. We all do. We just take it as it comes."

He puffed his cheeks out and blew a breath out sharply with a laugh. "I think I'd be mortified if the entire cast and crew at work knew I had the runs. Probably how Justin feels when he gets sick at work. With all the other parts but Jus and Cas, everything just easily jumps to the understudies without missing a beat if we're sick. But most of us know if Jus or Cas go down. Can't say I'm not grateful the people around you at work will be watching you closely. You might need help. Like, do you maybe need to employ a medical person to be with you at work once the chemo sets in? Kinda like Ari with Justin. He's always there just in case and spends some time with Justin before he goes on stage. I get you don't wanna be reminded but sick people sometimes need extra help and there's nothing wrong with that. I could ask Jess if he knows anyone." Rubbing his hand over his stomach, he scrunched his nose up. "I'm so fucking nervous about Cillian. It makes my stomach hurt. I mean, I realise a lot makes my stomach hurt at the moment, but it's a different sort of hurt. I'm seriously scared. Is that dumb?"

[signofthetimes]

Brandon nodded, taking Merlin's hand to play with his fingers and softly started to caress up and down his forearm. "I'll tell you, baby. I guess that's one silver lining of coming into this a second time, that I'm going to be able to better recognise and understand what I'm feeling and why. Back then, it was... I had very little hope I'd beat it and all I could see ahead of me was horrific sickness and pain from the illness and the treatment. But I still conquered it, albeit with the help of your bone marrow. I'd be dead now if it wasn't for you and that's something I would probably be thanking some deity for daily now if I was a religious dude. But I'm not, so I just thank the powers that be that brought you into my life and made you want to stay. I'm thankful every single fucking day that I have you and I'm going to keep fighting for you. Those days where I don't feel strong enough to fight for me, I'll keep doing it for you. I know what's coming with the chemo and if Tara can hit me with a cocktail that is less intense and harrowing on me, even better. But I'm okay with what has to happen. If I start feeling strange or not mentally well as they process goes on, I'll tell you. I won't try to do it alone. You have my word. All those promises I've made to you, I'm going to keep them. And I don't mind if you keep checking even then. I'm saying that now, in case it happens and I'm in a bad mood or anything. If you need to check, I want you to check. I never want you to stop checking or calling me out on things that might be risky. And I'm absolutely not going to touch booze. Like, not even kidding, there's not even a buzz from it anymore, I think I just went straight from feeling sad that we had a fight to just all-over horrific. It was not fun. For anyone in the equation, apparently. I'm a fucked up drunk sick person, we've well established."

"Well, my love, you might need to get used to that bit because you might find you want to work through flare-ups with your UC. I spoke to your surgeon about it a bit when you were sleeping and she said your flare-ups will probably start to take a pattern that you recognise and you'll know what you can tolerate and not, what triggers you, all those things. Plus, now we know you're also absolutely have coeliac disease too, you might feel a fuckton better eating gluten-free. You'll get a better hold on it but there could be times you're working and you get hit. Are you going to tell the people you work with in case it happens? Like, I know Justin, Cas, and Tori know and have helped you when you've not felt so hot but just in general, I mean. But hell, I more than get wanting privacy with an illness." He groaned, scraping his fingers through his hair and looking up at the ceiling. "I don't know yet, babe. Let me be an ostrich a bit longer? I don't know if I could handle a medical person hovering reminding me I'm sick. Then again, considering the blowout nosebleeds I got last time, I don't want to freak people out if something happens either. Guess I just need to see how I tolerate chemo once it starts. The showrunners said they'll work with the production team around me. Maybe there'll be times of day I'm better, or it might be better to film a whole bunch on my chemo off days. A whole lot of watch this space. Of course it's not dumb that you're scared about everything with Cillian. But I'd bet my life savings - and we know that's no pocket change - that he's just as scared. What's scaring you the most?"

[magicmoments]

Merlin knew that this soon after Brandon's second cancer diagnosis, there was probably a lot he couldn't unpack yet and he wanted to keep reminding him he was there when he was ready. If he was ready. He also didn't want to keep banging on about it if what Brandon needed more than anything at the moment was their romantic connection and comfort. "I'm going to care for you in all the ways I did back then. In a few weeks, I'll be back in action and feeling a lot better. But if it's a lil' longer, than we can both feel shitty and miserable together. We're not foreign to that and I think we got pretty damn good at it for a time there. We'll just try and see how we go. It might be nothing like the first time, or it's Groundhog Day. We've got this." He smiled and invited Brandon into some more kisses, taking the chance to touch him and caress him, enjoy the peace while they had it. He couldn't think about worst case scenarios and he was going to try the best he could not to until the time came that it was vital to. "Oh, hey, we all know I'm terrible with booze too so that's not a bad thing. You know what I wanna do later when we're both getting tired? Watch our wedding video. I dunno, I'm just feeling kinda nostalgic and wanna remember it all. It was such a hard day but it was beyond amazing. It was the day everything changed and we started to get hope you could beat it. Like, I still remember as clear as a crystal Lachlan telling us I was the bone marrow match."

"I'm really tired, darlin'. Not like I need sleep. The other sorta tired. I ain't sure I really fully recovered from that the first time. It's okay, though. I don't know if it's a bad thing to say that out loud. Slowing it all down a little. At least, everything not getting you started on treatment because time is so important there. If we focus on that and I think about the best way to go into stuff with Cillian, it's a good place to start to it ain't too overwhelming. Do you want me to talk to Jess about what sorta support you might be able to get at work if it comes to that? You got the resources, we should use them if we need to." It was his turn to look up at the ceiling, puffing his cheeks out with a held breath before releasing it. "That we won't like each other or have anything in common. That we won't know how to talk. That I don't feel any sorta connection like Justin did with his dad and Jess did with his bio family. 'Cause I think I want that on some level... maybe? I don't know for sure, it just sounds nice. But then, I'm scared it'll push my family away because I want that. It's weird and scary and I don't really know how I'm 'sposed to be feeling."

[signofthetimes]

Which was exactly what was playing on Brandon's mind above all else, knowing that there was no question Merlin would just step up as his husband and carer again. Not because there was no choice but because it was just who Merlin was. Now more than ever, that perhaps made a lot of sense. They always knew he shared Jesse's blood and Jesse kindness and compassion in spades. But they now also knew Merlin's biological father was a decorated war hero with a highly successful medical career in the military and beyond. He knew Merlin hadn't Googled Cillian but Brandon had. He couldn't not. He needed to know who he was coming into their lives and how much he needed to protect Merlin from at this time he was stressed and fragile. Turned out, Cillian downplayed his achievements extensively. Not just how far he got in the British Air Force but that he spearheaded and ran a charity for helping LGBT+ people with spinal chord and brain injuries recover meaning and purpose in their lives after being disabled. He had won awards for his charity work, right up to an OBE, an Order of the British Empire from the Royal Family themselves. Brandon knew after his Google expeditions he went on while Merlin slept and recovered from surgery that he had to trust in the process of his husband forging the relationship with his father that he needed, however that ultimately looked. Regardless, Merlin had genes that came with a big heart and there was no way Brandon could prevent him going all-in if it came to it that Brandon needed a lot of hands-on care again. "We have, for sure. I just wish it didn't have to be what it was. I wanted you to have some peace and I'm not saying that in any way to suggest I don't think you can handle it. Of course you fucking can. I wanted ore for us now, that's all. Groundhog Day is over-fucking-rated. Our wedding video? Wow. Guess we've not watched it in ages. I remember it too. I passed the fuck out from shock, just like I did when Tara and Beau told me it was back. All I wanted was for us to not be locked in fight mode indefinitely. It's pointless thinking that now, though."

"Me too, baby. Me too. I'm nervous about starting chemo again. Hanging out hope that it won't be as bad this time. It's going to be a kick in the nuts if it is. There's still the chance Lachlan will advise that it's best to just go straight in on a second transplant with the extra stem cells he kept stored from last time. That's what I'm most scared of. After what happened last time, and I can't work because I need to be in isolation. I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask Jess for his opinion on it all, if it's something to have on stand-by in case I need it. Screening to find someone sounds like a nightmare, though." He ran his hand softly and slowly up and down Merlin's side, avoiding where he still had the surgical dressings. "I don't think the talking thing is anything you need to worry about. He came looking for you, I think he'll carry it as much as you need him to. Did Justin and Jess feel immediate connection when it happened to them? I wasn't around and I don't think I've heard either of them say. I know Justin's life did depend on it, though, so he must've been terrified so it's natural to feel these things, beautiful. Okay, suggestion? Why don't you ask your mom and dad to come up from SC and stay here for a couple of days? You can chat it all out with them and go into meeting Cillian knowing where you all stand."

[magicmoments]

"I know what you mean, darlin'. One thing I'd never think is that you believe I can't handle it. Something that you really discount in yourself is how much balls it took for you to trust me to care for you and with your most private, vulnerable aspects of your life when we first met. You never once made me feel like I had to prove that you could trust me or that you doubted I was capable of taking care of you when you were sick. The only thing worrying me about doing it again is that I might lose you. I'm not gonna dwell on it or anything. I know you want to try to go into it this time more prepared and optimistic that it won't be as harrowing. And you should. This time, you're going in with the oncology dream team and we know what chemo did to you last time, so we'll see the signs if it's getting worse again. Is this what we were planning on going into the next phase of our marriage? No. Did we think you were out of the woods and on the home strait? Also no. We won't let it be Groundhog Day, baby. You do whatever you need to do for as long as you think you can manage and I'll have your back every step of the way. My marriage vows are, and always will be, the most sacred things I've ever said out loud. I want you to know I truly mean that." Merlin kissed the tip of Brandon's nose and then his forehead, enjoying the way he was snuggled in against his side. He really wished he could coax Brandon to lie on top of him but that was off the cards until his stomach healed more. "You were feeling so sick that day but somehow, it still turned out to be the most amazing day ever. I thought maybe if things go okay, I could show it to Cillian. If he's interested, that is. Are people really interested in watching other folks' wedding videos? I mean, ignoring the fact TMZ would probably pay a packet for ours because, well, you're you and the tabloids are butthurt you only ever released one wedding photo to the world."

He swallowed, tracing his tongue over his lips to wet them. "I, um... we gotta have a conversation about all that too at some point, darlin'. Not now. They told me in hospital that because I've got an autoimmune condition that is 'active', I think they called it, I can't be your donor again right now. But I know Lachie has some frozen or whatever. And like, maybe I ain't the best match anyway, because of how sick you got with the GvHD. It's a lot to get my head around. I don't wanna prematurely freak out about it." He looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember what he knew of Jesse and Justin meeting their biological families. "Justin, I think it was. Only because he was so starved for love and care by the time he found his dad and Mark had no hesitation stepping up. I wasn't there at the time and by the time I met Jus, he was real close to his dad. I think it was a bit different when he met his birth mom but it was because he was anxious about telling her his realities of being mentally ill. Jess had to learn his dad had passed away too. Even if it was a bit weird at first, they're close now. Shit, all my parents in one place at one time? I think I already feel an anxiety migraine coming on. Like, just ripping the band-aid off, huh?"

[signofthetimes]

Brandon rolled onto his stomach, using Merlin's arm as a pillow to rest his chin on so he could look over his husband's face. "It didn't take any balls at all, my love. I'm not even bullshitting when I say that. From the moment I met you, knowing you and having you in my life was the easiest thing I've ever done. I was literally dying back then. I had nothing to lose putting my complete faith in you but that's not why it was easy. It was easy because every word you said to me was nothing but the truth when I'd gotten so used to being in a world full of bullshit and fuckery. You were a safe haven where I felt like I could breathe again." He snorted with a bit of a laugh at the TMZ comment. "Fuck 'em all. I've said all along to my fanbase that if I ever found The One, my relationship wouldn't be a commodity. I'm for sale, that's enough. I never realised until we had it how much I meant that. I don't know the general interest levels of watching other people's wedding videos but this is your bio dad who seems to be interested in your life. I think it'd mean the world to him if you showed him."

"Not now," he agreed softly, combing his fingers through Merlin's hair. A little part of him wasn't quite ready to confront all this hard stuff yet but it was mostly because he was trying to hold onto some of the peace while they still had it. He knew he couldn't bury his head in the sand for much longer and he'd eventually grab his balls and get it done. This was just one of the a few very difficult conversations they were going to have to have soon. Soon, though, he knew he was going to have to bring up with Merlin that he was having some gut feelings that maybe trying another bone marrow transplant wasn't a good idea when it nearly killed him last time. But he wasn't ready to heap that onto Merlin's shoulders yet. Not while he was recovering from being unwell himself and stress wasn't good for him. "They're conversations we can't have alone anyway. We'd just get upset not having all the information we need. Let's just wait until my appointment with Tara and Lachlan. I need a bit of time to brace myself for it. Maybe you meeting Cillian is the distraction we all need. I know you're scared, baby. But look at it this way, it's a nice location, it's no one's home turf, and there's plenty of space to escape if it gets too much for you. And if things get awkward or strained, it's the beach and you can't get more relaxing than that. Our honeymoon there, I think, was the most relaxed I've ever seen you. Before our wedding too. It's a buffer, it doesn't have to all be a hyper-focus on you meeting your biological dad. I feel like your folks would cherish being involved in it, but also that you'd want them there for you. Have you talked to them about it at all?"

[magicmoments]

"Some days, I do hate that you're for sale," Merlin admitted, feathering his fingers through the front of Brandon's hair. "I know that's probably violating some of the comments I made back then about being able to handle it. I can handle it. It's more that I feel so helpless when you're having bad days and so many people seem to forget that you're human. Like, I think cancer did humanise you a lot to a portion of your fanbase that believed you were some sort of immortal god. You had so much genuine outpouring of love when you went public with having cancer and I think in a lot of ways, it did buffer everything when I needed to out you. But they're used to the idea of you having and fighting cancer now. Of beating it, even. It was so damn nice when you gave Paris the exclusive interview about your remission, considering he's a survivor himself. That whole thing was just amazing and I still get choked up thinking about the things you said in that interview. But now your fans are used to you being well again and they've been in a permanent state of anticipation about a release date announcement for the next season of Wicked Symphony. That's awesome for the part of you that is for sale but now we're trying to prep to do the horrible stuff all over again, I feel this almost desperation for peace and privacy. At the same time, I know how ready you are to step back into work and everything that comes with it. I'll support you all the way unconditionally. I'm just... I've even been partly feeling like I wanna quit Footloose and showbiz altogether." It was a huge bomb to drop but he didn't even know he meant it until he said it out loud.

He bit his lip, looking at Brandon anxiously. "Say something? I-- no. I haven't talked to them about it. Or anything recently, really. Everything is just... it's just..." He waved his hand a little before resting it on Brandon's shoulder, caressing his fingertips over Brandon's neck. "It's a lot. Everything is a helluva lot. All of it. Not just you being sick again, darlin'. Actually, your stuff feels easy compared to some of the other stuff. At least I know what we're heading into there. I can't even tell if this is just my anxiety or feeling overwhelmed because I'm getting over surgery or if it really is way more than I can handle all at once."

[signofthetimes]

Brandon didn't actually know what to say, despite desperately wishing he had all the right words as soon as Merlin was trying to prompt him to answer. It was probably because he really did not want to fuck this bit up. Merlin wasn't planning on saying any of this, he knew that, but it wasn't strange for his husband to overthink extensively and just throw it all out there when it got to much to sort into compartments in his mind. He pulled himself up into somewhat of a sitting position propped up on his pillows. "No..." He shook his head emphatically, clearing his throat because he knew there was a lot he needed to say but he still wasn't quite there on the specifics. It was so out of the blue and he wanted to support Merlin unconditionally too, just like Merlin did for him, but on this? He just couldn't. Or at least, he really didn't know how to knowing his relapse was why Merlin was feeling like he needed to quit one of the most important things in his life. "I can't back you quitting Footloose, sweetheart. You worked so hard to get there, you're made for that role, Justin adores you as his sidekick in the show, it's everything you want for your career. Don't let me cockblock that. Please, baby. Don't. If anyone's going to quit their job with this, let it be me. If it's too much, then it's my turn to back you. And I realise how fucked that sounds when there's no getting away from the fact I'm sick again and that's going to infiltrate every part of our life but I genuinely mean that if anyone is going to quit their job because of it, it's me. You've put your life on hold long enough for me. I'll quit and it'll solve a lot of problems we're struggling to get our heads around. Maybe it's well overdue anyway. I'm probably just fooling myself I can juggle work and cancer treatment. I just... I don't know who I am without WS. I'm not sure I even know how to navigate peace and privacy without it. You're the most important part of my life. I'll walk from everything to make sure you're okay."