dreamlikenewyork | "And I'll bring you heaven if that's what you need, 'Cause you've always loved the hell out of me"

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"And I'll bring you heaven if that's what you need, 'Cause you've always loved the hell out of me"

Who: Merlin Blake and Brandon Blake
What: Pseudo-Date Night
Where: Blake Home, Upper East Side, NYC
When: After this and this

It had been a bit of a surreal few days for Brandon and he wasn't too sure how he was supposed to be feeling. He deduced that it should probably be something more able to be put into words but it wasn't and he only became conscious of that when Merlin asked him a very specific question in their DM chat. And because his husband specifically asked him to take the time to think about it before trying to answer, he did. A lot. Not that it was terribly productive and even that made him wonder more what the hell really was supposed to be going on in his mind after being diagnosed with cancer for the second time and being told he was no longer in remission.

All he had come to be feeling about that was a strange numbness. After the initial shock of the news and upset at having to tell the people he loved, this blanket feeling of detachment to it settled over him, like he was resolved to the fact he had to go through the motions - as horrible as they were to think about - yet again. This time, there was no choice but to fight. It was no longer just about him and his life. For him, it was more about Merlin now. Merlin was his life and therefore, he had to fight for his life again, whatever it took. It was what it was. But now Merlin highlighted it, he was wondering if it was a healthy state of mind to be in. With Beau out sick from work, he didn't even have anyone he could ask if this was normal or healthy to be feeling or if he was dangerously deluding himself. But whatever it was, he didn't want it to be all-encompassing at this moment. He and Merlin were going to have a pseudo-date in bed with some quality time together they both very much needed to recalibrate and catch their breath.

So, with Merlin's diet now even further restricted after his surgery and him not really having much of an appetite for any of the recovery staples the dietitian had suggested he have until his insides healed a little more, Brandon picked up a couple of pints of non-dairy Ben & Jerry's KaramelSutra (Merlin's new favourite), a thermos flask of gourmet oat milk peppermint hot chocolate, and a giant bag of Jolly Ranchers, Merlin's favourite candy. He also stopped by Lorenzo's florist and chose a beautiful bouquet of two dozen long-stemmed blue and white roses like they had for their wedding.

He found Merlin propped up in their bed amongst a mound of pillows and fluffy blankets, Ted Lasso on the TV on the wall opposite their bed, and his laptop open on his lap. He was crashed out with his phone on his chest and head lolled to the side like he had fallen asleep mid-text or mid-Twitter scroll or something. Brandon wasn't surprised. Merlin had been sleeping a lot since he was in hospital and Brandon knew all too well that if you slept a lot because you weren't well, it meant your body needed it. He was going to raincheck their pseudo-date and let Merlin sleep, but as soon as he took the remote to turn the TV down, kissing Merlin's forehead softly, Merlin woke up, his sleepy eyes looking around in confusion. Brandon laughed softly. "I was trying not to wake you, sweetheart. You should sleep while the pain's controlled. We can do this any time." Still, he rested his hand on the bed so he could lean over and give Merlin a kiss, smiling. "Hi."

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Merlin reached for Brandon's hand, squeezing it and giving him a sleepy smile. "Heyyyyyyy. You're here. Fuck, I did it again. I'm starting to get first-hand knowledge of what it's like to be a narcolept. Which is seriously weird because my ADHD brain is usually doing the opposite." Once Brandon was close enough, he wrapped both his arms around him, pulling him close in a hug, albeit a careful one so he didn't accidentally pull Brandon down on top of him and do something stupid like rip open his surgical sutures. They were healing nicely and he wanted to keep it that way. Brandon was onto it, though, and instead dropped into the space on the bed beside him. He smiled, brushing the tip of his nose to Brandon's. "Hi. I wanted you to wake me. It's date night. Or whatever this version of a date night is called. We ain't done anything like this in ages. This is what I need to feel better. You got me our wedding flowers? Aw, darlin'. You're gonna make me cry, seriously. I'd do anything to just get you naked right now and feel you close. Goddamn these fucking holes in my gut."

"You know..." Brandon murmured, punctuating his pause with a leisurely kiss, "I may have just slightly interrogated my lovely brother-in-law about the logistical finer details of the no sex after surgery thing and what wiggle room there could be on the timeframe. He said that in this case, lap abdominal surgery, it's about pain levels and not putting any weight or pressure on the wound area. Which means, that if the patient is feeling okay and they take it easy, there's no preventing being able to have an orgasm, assuming the actual, uh... journey there is not strenuous on the abdominal area. Technically, that means someone who loves said patient more than life could carefully and safely go down on him if he was feeling up to it. And I'm sure it's more than safe to do that naked." He nuzzled Merlin's cheek on his way to kiss his neck, slipping his hand beneath the burrow of covers to caress his fingers over Merlin's thigh, knowing his husband had only been sleeping in a pair of silk boxers that were lose around his waist.

Merlin laughed softly, feeling rush of warmth sweep through him at the sensation of Brandon's lips on his neck and the tickle of his breath across his skin. He automatically raked his fingers through the back of Brandon's hair, not just to encourage him to keep going with whatever path he was on here but because he wanted to make the most of his hair while he had it. He didn't want to let himself get stuck on that but he knew it was going to be a lot of these smaller things he had come to take for granted now that would be tough to work through getting back on the rough road of cancer treatment. "Oh? I didn't realise Damo knew so much about surgery logistics. Dude has hidden talents," he joked. But he found it endearing to hear that Brandon had grilled Jesse, who had nursed many patients post-surgery, about this particular aspect. It hadn't been something Merlin got into with his surgeon when he was asked if he had any questions, mostly because he was still reeling from the confirmation Brandon's leukemia relapsed and his own medical woes - or sex - had been on his mind at the time. They were just told when he discharged that he had to abstain from any physically strenuous activities, including work and sex, for six weeks, though it may be a little sooner if he healed well and was feeling better with no pain. Now, all he could focus on was Brandon's lips now softly sucking his earlobe teasingly and the feel of his hand on his thigh. He buried his own hand beneath the covers to wrap around Brandon's and moved it a few inches to show him his body was already responding. "Let's do all that. And the naked. Especially the naked. Just... don't squeeze too hard or I'm gonna come in, like, three seconds. It's been a bit."

Brandon pulled the covers down and swept them to the bottom of the bed so he had the glorious view of Merlin's body. Sure, it was a bit like a pin cushion with the dressed wounds from his laparoscopic surgery on his belly and he had lost a little bit of weight with how sick he had been before the mechanical issues were fixed to help him feel better, but he was still every bit as enticing to Brandon as he was the first day they met. Even if they were loose, the silk boxers showcased Merlin's erection perfectly and Brandon smiled at him from beneath his hair that was falling into his eyes, moving down the bed. He wasted no time pulling the boxers over Merlin's hips and helping him out of them, flicking them aside as nothing more than an afterthought. Brandon was in more items of clothing and was too impatient to get naked himself. Soon, maybe. There wasn't any guarantee his own dick would come to the party but that didn't mean he didn't want to still enjoy himself. "I'm going to make sure it's a little longer than that, my love," he promised, careful with both the pressure and friction. He settled between Merlin's leg, sweeping his hand over Merlin's hip to coax him to hook his leg over Brandon's shoulder. Kissing Merlin's thigh and nuzzling the tender spot near Merlin's groin, he hummed in appreciation. "Fuck, you're beautiful..." He took Merlin into his mouth, taking his time and cupped his hand to Merlin's ass and giving it a soft squeeze.

Merlin wasn't fully prepared for how good it would feel to have Brandon's mouth on him again after being ill and having surgery. He had kind of just been an unmoving lump in either bed or the sofa since he was discharged from hospital and not feeling at all sexy or well enough to be horny. That was, until, he was feeling a bit better and his husband was offering to go down on him. He definitely hadn't healed enough to have sex but as Brandon pointed out, he could manage a somewhat passive orgasm if he didn't have to move to much. Brandon had no objections to capitalising on that and Merlin had no objections to letting him. He pushed his head back into the pillow and sucked in a sharp breath, which then exited him in a breathy laugh at just how damn good it felt after a break from anything sexual. They were used to periods of being unable to have sex but when they picked back up again, it always felt extra good. He wove his fingers through the back of Brandon's hair, settling into the sensation of Brandon's warm mouth on him, doing very talented things with his tongue. "I dunno if I'll be able to-- oh, god, do that again... um... reciprocate this, darlin'. Like, not sure I trust my..." He had to stop mid-sentence again to inhale sharply when Brandon cupped his balls with a tiny squeezed. "F-Fuck, yes. That feels... Mmm... um, trust my gag reflex yet. That feels really good, don't stop."

Brandon paused only briefly to smile up at Merlin and confirm, "Not stopping." He licked his lips, stroking the tips of his fingers over the sensitive skin beneath Merlin's balls because he knew how much that drove him wild. "And I don't need you to reciprocate. Is this enough? I can bring your ass to the party too, if you want me to. Just remember, tell me to stop if you need to, too." Maybe he had a tiny bit of an ulterior motive to help get Merlin to relax and give him a bit of stress relief. If the pleasured sounds he was making were anything to go by, he was sure he was succeeding. But he was also making sure to take it easy so Merlin didn't accidentally overtax himself or put too much strain on his stomach. It wasn't going to last long. He was pretty sure a dick that had been on an unintended break wasn't meant to go for a marathon length of time when getting blown. But Brandon was also conscious that once he restarted treatment, his libido might take a hit again and he wanted to make the most of intimacy with his husband while he could. Plus, it was nice to drown the rest of the world out for awhile. It wasn't a usual date night by a long shot but it was time alone together and Brandon wanted to help Merlin feel good after so much feeling bad. He would let Merlin guide him on how much he wanted.

It felt so fucking good. The kind of good where he was too distracted to speak but he did log Brandon's reminder that he would stop if they needed to. That really wasn't an issue so far. There was nothing strenuous about this. Brandon was being so tender and that in itself was a huge turn-on for Merlin. He and Brandon had never really engaged in hardcore sex because Brandon hadn't been physically strong enough whenever he did have libido and his dick was working. Because of that, their sex life together had usually been slow, steady, romantic, passionate - which Merlin really got off on. He loved romantic intimacy and Brandon had a way of catering to that sexually. Merlin hadn't been with anyone else, so whatever he knew, it was from Brandon. It did cross Merlin's mind then about whether this was Brandon's preference and he realised they hadn't discussed sex a whole lot. They just did it. When they did, it felt so natural and right, even when Brandon was ill. Merlin didn't want to let his mind wander too much now, though, and distract him from the gloriousness of Brandon's mouth and fingers. "I... hmm... yep. Yeah. Yes. Whatever you just said." His voice was husky and breathy, fingers still playing with Brandon's hair. Moments later, he felt Brandon's tongue begin to explore lower while his hand took over where his mouth left off from his dick. Merlin bit down on his lip but there was no stifling the moan of appreciation for Brandon's tongue. "Fuck, I love you. Shit. So much. More than life. More than anything. Not just 'cause you really know how to r--" His words cut off with a gasp and he only just managed to stop himself gripping Brandon's hair harder or he would've accidentally pulled it. He arched his back, softly pressing the back of Brandon's head to encourage him to keep going. For a good few minutes then, Merlin's mind completely emptied in favour of the sheer warm pleasure Brandon was sending through his body with every stroke of his tongue and squeeze of his fingers.

Every single response from Merlin was driving Brandon wild. Something he discovered in the process of falling in love with Merlin was that he got off on getting Merlin off more than he did needing any reciprocation. When he had been sick, there was a lot of times he was physically unable to reciprocate but he wanted to still be intimate with Merlin. It took a lot of testing the waters to find what he had the energy or strength for, what things felt good and what he could take or leave. It was a big part of the formation of their relationship. They had fallen into another rough patch lately, through no fault of their own, and while he had been out doing that surreal thing of getting a wig to replicate his hair designed, he had time to think. A lot. But all he could think about was Merlin. Not any of the other stuff. There was this almost painful urge to be close to him and reconnect like they had in their early days. He wanted to have as much time just being together with Merlin in these quiet, intimate ways before the chaos of having cancer hit again. He reached behind his head to slip his fingers through Merlin's on the back of his head and smiled at what Merlin was saying before he cut himself off. The words were surplus to requirement anyway. Everything else was showing him how much his husband was into this and that was everything. Merlin was everything and he kept on showing him just how much.

In what was probably shockingly abysmal stamina, with a tiny tap of warning to Brandon's shoulder in case he didn't want him to come in his mouth (it wasn't always a given, depending on how he was feeling physically), he came as soon as Brandon was cleverly utilising his mouth and fingers to all of Merlin's spots that drove him wild. Rather than accidentally gripping Brandon's hair, he grabbed a handful of the sheets beneath him so he could hold himself back a bit. He didn't want to hurt himself or put too much strain on his stomach. But he still came abruptly and hard, not bothering to try to stifle himself making any noises because it felt so fucking good. Panting, he sunk back into the pillows trying to catch his breath, rubbing Brandon's shoulder and coaxing him to come up and cuddle him in the wake of it. "Shit, baby, that felt fucking incredible. Damn, I needed that so much. Even though I'm pretty sure I'll sleep for a week after it. C'mere... I still wanna get you off too. My hands still work." Though when Brandon crawled up the bed on all fours and responded to Merlin's invitation with a hungry kiss, when Merlin slipped his hands down Brandon's pants, he discovered there was absolutely no wind in Brandon's sails, so to speak. The kiss eased off and Brandon had his lips pressed together, looking like he was about to apologise. "It's okay, darlin'. Let's just cuddle. When was the last time you were hard?"

"I don't know, sweetheart," Brandon admitted resolutely, though it was more because this was something he tried not to obsess over these days. He had gone through the grief process when he was sick the first time and part of that process had been a type of acceptance. Not that it was happening, per se, but acceptance that it was just part of what his body was going to have to sustain to be able to survive. That was a huge deal and in many way, he was still trying to adapt to that state of being. It really wasn't easy when his life wasn't about just him anymore. He was married and they were a team together. This was something that impacted both of them. He was glad Merlin would talk to him about it, give him those openings to offload if he needed to. He sunk down into the spot beside Merlin, giving him another kiss. "Our trip to SoCal, maybe? Before I started to feel crap again. It's not that I don't want it. Not a libido thing. Just physical. I haven't written off the Viagra, I know it's there. When you've recovered a bit more and get the all-clear from your surgeon. Things haven't really ended up where we hoped they'd be by now. My dick definitely hasn't. I was just kind of hoping it would come to the party a bit before I have to start chemo again. But I just want to be close to you and sex isn't the only way to do that. We'll figure it out."

"Do you really think we will?" Merlin wasn't going to ask that question. He second and third guessed himself in his head before he did but considering he and Brandon had promised each other to not drop the ball with communication again, he knew he had to. He didn't want to burst Brandon's bubble but said bubble was still confusing him a bit. He really did just seem okay. "I'm gonna ask you something, okay? Only 'cause I'm just still trying to get my head around everything. It ain't been that easy feeling like I just wanna sleep all the time. Maybe I just need time to catch up or something. Are you really feeling this chill about everything or are you just trying to project chill so I stop stressing or you're hoping if you project it hard enough, it'll happen? Don't get me wrong, I want you to be able to chill but it still is what it is. It's still happening. You're really just... okay?"

Brandon propped his head up on his hand, smiling. "We have to, baby. We just have to. And I'm okay with that. I don't know if chill is the right word but I'm kind of just taking it as it comes and not taking the calm before the storm for granted. That's how I'm feeling, I'm not projecting. Maybe it's like a human form of hibernation, just trying to preserve energy for later or something." He put his hand on Merlin's stomach, above where the dressings from his surgery were, caressing his fingertips back and forth above his bellybutton. "I'm not spiting your worry and stress. We deal with things in different ways, we always have. There'll be times we don't feel the same and I know anxiety and stress is hard for you to regulate sometimes. That's okay. There's plenty we can be worrying about and it'll come. But now? You need rest and I need to just take this one small step at a time. I feel now like it's running a marathon, not a sprint. Don't get me wrong, sweetheart. I'm tired and the aches and pains are pretty constant again but life looks different to me now, since I survived it the first time. It's hard to explain. I'm okay cherishing each moment as it comes. At least, the easier moments. Pretty sure the hard ones are still going to suck giant ass. I am working on bracing for that. Are you still worried I'm a bit deluded or in denial that it's back? I'm not. I promise you that, baby, from the bottom of my heart."

Merlin shook his head, resting his hand over Brandon's. "I'm just checking you're okay, is all. I know if you weren't, you'd at least give me a bit of a head's up. I don't think you're deluded or in denial, I just don't want it all to come crashing down on you later. You're trying to get all your ducks in a row so you have a crack at trying to keep working. Thing is, my ducks are more like... little rabid ADHD penguins on crack sometimes and I'm pretty sure they don't even know what a row is. I might have a lil' bit of an ulterior motive for checking if you're okay too. I wanna talk to you about Cillian. Jess is gonna come over when he can to fill me in more on what was said but he's already told me by text that it went well and he pretty much gave Cillian the Jess seal of approval endorsement. Whatever I decide, it's gonna change things. I can't just dial back to before I knew he existed now I know he does. I think I really knew the answer from the moment you told me about him. But are you okay enough for me to shake our foundations more with this right now? It just feels like we should be focusing on you, to make sure you're sturdy enough to head into the second battle of this war. I know I've been sleeping a whole lot but when I'm not, I'm back to listening that you're still breathing in your sleep. Didn't even realise so much that I was doing it. What's the next steps supposed to even look like with any of this?"

"Of course, I would. You don't have to stress about that particular thing anymore. Me being... what did Jesse call it? Insular with my challenges, and that I'm not fighting a battle alone anymore. Like, that was such a simple comment he said to me but it really hit home. I promise that even if I feel like I need to be insular from everyone else, I won't be with you. Which sounds fucking dumb out loud when we just had a massive fight about me doing just that. But that wasn't me purposefully keeping things from you, it was truly just because I was trying my best to squeeze just that tiny bit more calm normalcy from life for us before shit hit the fan again. You weren't with me when I got my first diagnosis but back when all that was happening, they spelled the diagnosis out for me in beyond finite detail. Not just what I was immediately facing but what progressing to a terminal diagnosis would look like, what remission might look like, how long-term treatment would be... but most importantly, that those first twelve to twenty-four months after a successful bone marrow transplant, the odds of recurrence are extremely high. Through this whole process, I haven't deluded myself on that. I've never even tried to lie to myself about it, I just knew. Tried not to think about it too much but that's why I never really wanted to celebrate my remission news. The problem was, those three, four months in the middle there that I was feeling really good for the first time in a very long time. I was eating normally, sleeping well, plans were happening for me to return to work, we booked our honeymoon. I really did start to believe that it was okay to at least loosen the sensation of a noose around our necks just a little. Then I started to feel unwell again and honestly, baby, as much as I wanted to just believe it was the GvHD flaring up again, cancer pain for me is a very, very distinct pain. The fatigue is different too. I didn't want it to be happening but I knew it was and I was angry at my body, angry at medicine for not being able to do more. My big error was forgetting you hadn't had the cancer bootcamp with me at the beginning to have been counselled through all that stuff and failing to pre-empt that you could misread my anger and translate it as other things that caused you more unnecessary stress than you needed to be going through. And before you say you would've stressed about me anyway because it's cancer and it means I could still die, no. No, this time, it's on me. Just because I'm the one with cancer, doesn't mean everything defaults to my needs being the priority over everything. I should've had your back. I should've told you how I was feeling after that initial checkup appointment with Tara and Beau, even if I didn't realise at first that it was anger. Instead, I just thought staying busy and distracted until the test results came back was the best way to go about it. But really, I was just trying to brace for impact of the second diagnosis and trying to get some sort of look down the road how life might be able to look for us if I could shoot for some sort of hybrid between normal and not, or not just folding immediately to the sick person default. Last time, I was really sick before I started treatment. This time, it felt like I could at least try to continue working, if nothing else." Brandon watched Merlin's face, making sure he was taking everything in okay. They had talked a lot about everything since their blow up but it had taken Brandon a little longer to process the shock when he had so convinced himself he wouldn't be shocked to be told he was no longer in remission. Sometimes, he had to sit with things before he could accept them and saddle up to face them. His coping mechanisms were basically the opposite to Merlin's ADHD ones and sometimes, things had clashed in an emotional mess because of it. "I just wanted to give you a bit more context now I've had time to think after the initial shock wore off."

He wanted to just keep touching Merlin, enjoying the closeness and quiet intimacy, even if it had nothing to do with sex. His naked husband would always still be a glorious aesthetic. His absolute favourite. "I love every single one of your little rabid ADHD penguins and I want to be physically and emotionally present for you recovering from this op and deciding whether to meet your biological dad or not. Our foundations have never been sturdy but we still got through everything together. Even if I was as sick as I was back with the first diagnosis, I want to be there for you every step of the way. The next step is discussing treatment options with Tara and Lachlan. Beau might be stepping down from my case."

While he listened, Merlin reached up to play with Brandon's hair, looping the thick strands around his finger, raking some back to tuck behind his ear. He'd miss it if Brandon lost it but it was the most minor of concerns, all things considered. The upsetting part was how much of Brandon's identity he lost to cancer the first time around. Never intended and he tried to stop it but he had been far too sick to overpower it. It nearly did kill him and it was hard for Merlin to think of the little parts of who they were together might get lost again. But it was easier to focus on the little things rather than the huge, like the fear Brandon might not have recovered enough strength from the last time to fight back harder this time. And they had no way of knowing until treatment started and the doctors could assess how he was responding to it. "I want you to be able to tell me if you're feeling angry or any of those other difficult emotions without worrying you're gonna stress me out. I know that I have my own shit that stress can complicate but you gotta remember, I dealt okay the first time, yeah? I think all things considered, I handled it. It wasn't ever gonna be handling it with perfection 'cause, well, I'd fallen head-over in love and was reminded constantly the person I loved was in pain and might die. I don't think we're supposed to handle that shit perfectly. And I do totally respect that you've spent your whole life dealing alone and reflexively, that's how you try to deal with stuff. But you ain't alone anymore and those times where you don't wanna deal alone, I'm here. If you're feeling pissed off or frustrated or scared or just plain miserable, just let me know. I'll give you all the space you need to deal with it how you need, but I also wanna help you hold some of it. Your work stuff, that's all for you. I ain't gonna stick my nose in there, that's your domain. But our marriage and your healthcare, that's for both of us. Honestly, I think we just clashed and had the fight 'cause we weren't letting each other in when things started to get scary again. How are you feeling now? Tell me honestly?" he asked, pushing forward a little further to reach Brandon's lips for another kiss.

"How is it different this time around? I know you were really sick the first time but you didn't think it was anything more serious than being run down from working too much and travelling but, like, logistically how is it different? I think maybe that's part of why you're a bit more chill or at least calmer now the news has sunk in. Maybe that's why my brain still wants to stay stuck in unchill mode? I wasn't there the first time to see how you were for comparison. What do you think they're gonna advise as the best treatment strategy this time around? Did you tell them at work you're sick again? Wait, Beau won't be your doctor anymore? Is he okay?" He knew from Damien that Beau caught the gastro bug Liam had that was going around the hospital but that was only supposed to last a few days. Then again, Beau's immune system was patchy.

"You were incredible the first time around, baby. You're the only reason I'm still here. There's no fucking way I can do it again without you. I've never thought you didn't cope. You coped better than any of us, considering what you had to go through. If you're okay to keep nudging me to remember to talk to you about how I'm feeling, I promise I'll do my best to meet you in the middle." Brandon shifted closer and coaxed Merlin into his arms so they could cuddle now Merlin had caught his breath again after getting off. "I'm not feeling so angry anymore. It's kind of morphed into a determination not to let it get me down but I'm conscious it's going to wax and wane. When I can't sleep at night, everything plays on my mind and it starts to feel overwhelming so I don't know if this chill will last when treatment ball is rolling again. It's all going to bear on how I am with the chemo again. Really fucking not looking forward to it. Not ready to go back to feeling sick all the time."

He nodded, turning his head into Merlin's hand to nuzzle and kiss his fingers softly. "I think you nailed it, sweetheart. I'm not sick this time around. I mean, I don't want you to get worried with me saying that. Of course I'm fucking sick, they told me my cancer's back. I'm not in denial or anything. The first time around... fucking hell, I was really ill physically. It's easy to just liken it to a really bad flu but I know you're asking because you need more than that for context. I was in a lot of pain constantly. All over, inside and out. Like flu aches and pains on crack. Some days, it would be so bad, I'd vomit from the intensity. That happened a few time on set while I was filming but I don't think it really flagged anything to anyone because that just happens sometimes. I've worked through illness and exhaustion plenty of time, the cast and crew have all seen me puke at work. Probably just thought I was hungover, even though I've never actually been hungover at work. The fatigue was unrelenting, so was the constant nausea and discomfort in my guts. There were stretches I stayed in bed for days and slept upwards of thirty or forty hours straight on my days off. This time, the pain is there, the fatigue, the fever and chills bursts. It's just much more diluted and manageable. I really am going to be economical with work and my schedule. If I'm not feeling great, I'll take it easy. I've told the showrunners and they're going to sit on it until we know where I'm standing with a treatment plan. Everything's just continuing on track for now. Liam and Damien dropped by when you were crashed out and Liam mentioned Beau took a hard hit with the gastro bug but he's having a tough time with his depression. My relapse is probably stirring trauma up for him. It's okay, I totally understand. He's got to take care of himself too."

"You keep saying that but you're the one who fought cancer, not me. I'm not taking the credit when I was just the sidekick, you're the superhero, darlin'. You don't feel like it, I know, but to me, you are and always will be. And I'll always be at your side to help you fight. But you have to know that any time you don't feel up to talking for whatever reason, that's okay. I don't need you to push yourself to do anything that is too much. Just don't wall-up on me completely. All I ask is that you tell me so I don't immediately jump to something being wrong between us. Because I know that's what happened with Beau and Austin, along the lines of it anyway. I just want our marriage to be your safe place when everything else is going to shit. Have you even gotten much sleep since you got the test results? I know nights are the hardest for you. I still remember our road trip back in the beginning, it was nights when you ran into the toughest times. Not just because of how physically sick you were. When your sleep was impacted, everything else got harder to deal with too. For awhile there, you only slept when you completely wiped yourself out. I just wanna try to be conscious of the road blocks we had the first time and maybe try to head some off at the pass, if we can, you know?" Brandon was warm and cosy when they melted together in the embrace. It always felt so right when they were like this. "It's hard to think it's gonna be anything but, huh? How might you be able to work through that? I barely feel like putting on pants after when I'm sick and been puking. But I've seen Justin do it. It's doable. You gotta give a shot."

He brushed his fingertips up and down Brandon's side, enjoying the closeness and touch they were sharing. Brandon was right, it was exactly what they both needed. "It's funny how it's always so much easier to be compassionate for others than it is ourselves. I ain't sure you even believe you deserve compassion. But then, you don't wanna feel like just a cancer patient and you're searching to find your identity again beyond that. See? I do get it. Your work has been a huge part of your identity for years, you wanna hold onto that as long as you can. I'm glad the showrunners get that on some level. On the flipside, you're basically the core of their show's identity. You matter to them, I know you do. At the same time, you're such a private person that needing to expose any lil' part of your health struggles feels invasive. It's more than you wanna have to tell anyone. Have you thought any more about whether you wanna go public with it this time? You don't have to. You don't owe anyone your private life. I love you, okay? Every single step of the way, I'll protect you with my life, no matter what."

"Honestly? Beau stepping down from my case is a bit terrifying. Not that I'm going to lay anything on him. The last couple of times I saw him, he looked exhausted. But I get a sense from connecting the dots of what people have said that his relapse was horrific and he barely scraped through. He's not under any obligation to talk to me about it, of course. He's only ever been my doctor, he's just like family through six degrees of separation and the last thing I'd want is to be any sort of trigger for his own trauma. It's the what he can't talk to me about that worries me. On the other hand, I don't want to get stuck in this catastrophizing mindset because I think it'd destroy me. I've been doing a hell of a lot of thinking, sweetheart, and I feel like the best shot we have is keeping it simple. Taking whatever hits as it comes. If I get really sick, then I stop. If not, I keep going. I haven't really slept much since Tara and Beau gave me the results but it's not all on that. I've been worrying about you too. I think I might just hit the Ambien tonight and take the next couple of days before my appointment with Tara to catch up on some sleep. What do you say, babe? Want to have a catch up on sleep and chill date with me for the next few days?" Brandon's lips met Merlin's in a leisurely soft kiss, caressing his hand over Merlin's upper belly, above where the surgical dressings were. "There's stuff I can take to temporarily ease puking bouts to get through shoots. It's either going to be the trots, nose bleeds, or pain that takes me out."

He laced his fingers with Merlin's giving his hand a squeeze. Without a doubt this intimate alone time together was therapeutic. They learned that early in their relationship, that sometimes, you had to shut the rest of the world out for a bit to be able to breathe. "Speaking of road trips and road blocks... I think I need to visit Norm and Jean again to tell them in person. You're right, though. I have no fucking clue who I am anymore. Putting on my game face as Brandon Blake the Celebrity again feels like I'm just playing another part. It's a weird disconnect that I don't really know what to do with. My gut's telling me I should just put out a simple statement and leave it at that. But the other thing is, once I do that, it puts me under the microscope for the media and fans to hyperfixate on my being sick and I fucking hate that. What about you? How do you think we should tackle all this? I know it's my work and all that shit but you're my husband, it's our life together. And it's a fucking lot, I know."

"It was before I moved to New York but Beau's always been in our lives since Liam and Damo hooked up. Liam and Beau were dating at the time Liam was raped and from what I hear, they were serious and would probably still be together today if that hadn't happened. When Damo met Liam by eye-sexing each other through a mirror, Beau was Liam's best friend. They kept hold of their friendship. When I was still back home, Damo talked a lot about what Liam was going through when Beau was sick again. They didn't know if another marrow transplant would work for him, he was that sick. Like, they were almost at the point of talking palliative stuff when they decided to try it, even though they knew that if it didn't work, he would be terminal. It was traumatic because he got really ill at home from an infection and legit died. Tara was there and Austin told her to override the DNR, which she did because she wasn't on shift at the hospital, otherwise she would've been legally bound to it. She was there to assess whether he needed to be admitted to hospital. It was one of those bad infections that moved so quick, it was a matter of hours that he went from okay managing at home to being on death's door. He used to be okay talking about it all and answering questions but since he was diagnosed with depression and had suicidal thoughts, he's struggled with shame. Shame about beating cancer twice and then having displaced thoughts about ending his life, which is how Liam put it. It's gotta be a hard traumatic thing to have going on in your head. It's the what that probably worries him talking to you about too. Worried that he'll spook you that you could be on that road too and no real way of promising you won't. Beau peacing out for a bit, I think, is his way of helping you?" Not that Merlin could be 100% sure on that but he did know Beau like he was a brother and that seemed like a very Beau mindset. He wished he could tell him not to worry because in the grander scheme of this whole thing, Brandon was scrappy and determined to try to at least keep a step ahead this time ahead if he could. Hearing about Beau's relapse wouldn't have freaked him out or traumatised him. Brandon had nothing but compassion and empathy for him for having fought the same fought. He saw Beau as both a brother-in-arms and his doctor. You couldn't separate the two. "Yes. Hell yes, do I wanna do all that. Jeez, what even happens if tv stars have the trots during shooting? Like, don't get me wrong, I know what we do as stage actors but there are more moving parts to what you do. And more money involved. Like, does the whole set just know you've got the trots? That's... embarrassing and invasive. I think I'd die of embarrassment. The unglamorous side of the glamour world."

He thought on Brandon's predicament for a few moments and then shook his head. "Don't make any choices now. How about we hit the road again and that'll give you plenty of time to think about what you wanna do. It ain't gonna be the same this time as it was before, you'll feel differently about a hell of a lotta shit. Maybe the answer's probably somewhere in the grey area? You just get Olympia to slip into the PR somewhere that you're needing, like, maintenance treatment or some shit so as you start filming again, you'll need a bit of extra support. If you get worse, we deal with it then. Cancer's a complex thing and no two people are the same, so no one can really know how yours is being treated. Some people do need small amounts of treatment over longer periods of time. Just more of a like 'not outta the woods yet' deal. I think most people are compassionate. The assholes aren't the majority. At least, that's been our experience with Jus. He'll say that. Maybe you could ask Mark for his legal opinion?"

Edited 2023-10-13 12:06 (UTC)

Brandon was quiet after Merlin gave him the cliff notes version of what Beau and Austin went through. He knew some of it from Beau himself and he had heard Liam touch on things at different times. Enough to know that it was a traumatic ordeal for the whole family when Beau nearly didn't make it a second time. But what Merlin was detailing was the complicated emotional layers cancer had for everyone touched by it and why it was such a fucking stressful thing to go through, let alone twice. "When I went through that, albeit on a lesser scale, just after I met you, I felt the same weird chaotic mess of emotions. I didn't want to die from cancer but I also didn't feel like I could survive the, well, surviving of it. I had no idea it was depression associated with cancer treatments that caused me to feel like that. A lot of people who haven't been sick with cancer couldn't fathom it. I couldn't even fathom it in the days after it happened. You just start feeling like you have no control over your body and it's such a horrible feeling, that something in you that you can't see is killing you. Everything in your heart and head should go against that, but it doesn't. Justin absolutely nailed it in that interview that time where he first revealed he had attempted suicide because of his bipolar. It's not that you want to die, it's this overwhelming force that you don't want to live... like that. That little disclaimer he added at the end, it hit the nail on the head. It's not even as simple as not wanting to live. It's that you're so weak and wiped out from battling against your body or mind. Depression doesn't play games. I've been trying to think if there was some way I could just let Beau know that I understand and could never have expected him to re-live his trauma if it's triggering for him right now. He and Tara are the absolute A Team and I was lucky to have them both, along with Lachlan. I don't want Beau to feel like he has to avoid me because all I need is for him to be that cancer doctor who had the same cancer as me. The Leukemia Yoda. Fuck that. I guess what I'm trying to say is he is still family for all the reasons you say, I don't want him to feel he has to actively give us a wide berth. I don't need a Leukemia Yoda. I'm my own Leukemia Yoda now. Fuck. Wish I didn't have to say that but it's true. That's why I'm determined for this to not be a rinse/repeat of last time, not just for us, but everyone."

He groaned and scrunched his face up. "That's pretty much how it's always been shooting the show for me as the lead character. The way the show is written, literally every scene is anchored to Saxon in some way. They've always been ultra professional and a great place to work but sometimes, it's such a tightly closed circuit that if I'm late on set or delayed multiple times, it's hard to avoid the reason why being known. I'm an actor and famous, but still human. Thankfully, NDAs mean our secrets are kept in that closed circuit and we've all had those days where embarrassing things are known. But the trots are, without a doubt, the most embarrassing. We laugh it off mostly, though. I think we've all learned to keep a healthy stock of Imodium on hand and plow through. Never going to take minor illness for granted ever again. Another thing I'm not looking forward to. Cast and crew watching me like a hawk to make sure I'm not going to keel over. As soon as they know I'm sick again, that's a given. They care, I know they do. Sick people don't always want to be reminded they're sick all the time. I don't want to bother Mark with everything he's got on his plate but maybe I could send Ash an email and see if he can give me his two cents. Okay, so... Cape Cod then from there, Idaho? What about Cillian?"

When their conversation took them back to that night when Brandon almost overdosed on his medication because he hit rock bottom, it was difficult for Merlin's still very vivid memory not to jump back there too. He listened quietly, cherishing the fact his husband opened up to him so much now. They had come a long way since hat road trip and even if there were still a lot of bumps in the road, he was reminded that they definitely were strong enough to face this again. But that didn't stop the fear that came in many different shapes and sizes. "If you feel like that again when you restart chemo, will you try to tell me so I can help you? Or get help for you? I ain't saying you should try to avoid it 'cause I don't think it's as simple as that. I think once you start treatment again, these difficult feelings are gonna come back. But you know, darlin', I think Beau knows. When you were real sick back then, when it looked like you might not survive and it was real touch and go, Beau was there. He stayed with you for hours on end when he wasn't on shift, just 'cause he knew what you were going through. He knows you're gonna get it if he's going through a rough patch now. It ain't gonna be a rinse/repeat, though. You know why? 'Cause this time, you aren't starting out alone and you know what your body needs once the worst hits. We all do. We just take it as it comes."

He puffed his cheeks out and blew a breath out sharply with a laugh. "I think I'd be mortified if the entire cast and crew at work knew I had the runs. Probably how Justin feels when he gets sick at work. With all the other parts but Jus and Cas, everything just easily jumps to the understudies without missing a beat if we're sick. But most of us know if Jus or Cas go down. Can't say I'm not grateful the people around you at work will be watching you closely. You might need help. Like, do you maybe need to employ a medical person to be with you at work once the chemo sets in? Kinda like Ari with Justin. He's always there just in case and spends some time with Justin before he goes on stage. I get you don't wanna be reminded but sick people sometimes need extra help and there's nothing wrong with that. I could ask Jess if he knows anyone." Rubbing his hand over his stomach, he scrunched his nose up. "I'm so fucking nervous about Cillian. It makes my stomach hurt. I mean, I realise a lot makes my stomach hurt at the moment, but it's a different sort of hurt. I'm seriously scared. Is that dumb?"

Brandon nodded, taking Merlin's hand to play with his fingers and softly started to caress up and down his forearm. "I'll tell you, baby. I guess that's one silver lining of coming into this a second time, that I'm going to be able to better recognise and understand what I'm feeling and why. Back then, it was... I had very little hope I'd beat it and all I could see ahead of me was horrific sickness and pain from the illness and the treatment. But I still conquered it, albeit with the help of your bone marrow. I'd be dead now if it wasn't for you and that's something I would probably be thanking some deity for daily now if I was a religious dude. But I'm not, so I just thank the powers that be that brought you into my life and made you want to stay. I'm thankful every single fucking day that I have you and I'm going to keep fighting for you. Those days where I don't feel strong enough to fight for me, I'll keep doing it for you. I know what's coming with the chemo and if Tara can hit me with a cocktail that is less intense and harrowing on me, even better. But I'm okay with what has to happen. If I start feeling strange or not mentally well as they process goes on, I'll tell you. I won't try to do it alone. You have my word. All those promises I've made to you, I'm going to keep them. And I don't mind if you keep checking even then. I'm saying that now, in case it happens and I'm in a bad mood or anything. If you need to check, I want you to check. I never want you to stop checking or calling me out on things that might be risky. And I'm absolutely not going to touch booze. Like, not even kidding, there's not even a buzz from it anymore, I think I just went straight from feeling sad that we had a fight to just all-over horrific. It was not fun. For anyone in the equation, apparently. I'm a fucked up drunk sick person, we've well established."

"Well, my love, you might need to get used to that bit because you might find you want to work through flare-ups with your UC. I spoke to your surgeon about it a bit when you were sleeping and she said your flare-ups will probably start to take a pattern that you recognise and you'll know what you can tolerate and not, what triggers you, all those things. Plus, now we know you're also absolutely have coeliac disease too, you might feel a fuckton better eating gluten-free. You'll get a better hold on it but there could be times you're working and you get hit. Are you going to tell the people you work with in case it happens? Like, I know Justin, Cas, and Tori know and have helped you when you've not felt so hot but just in general, I mean. But hell, I more than get wanting privacy with an illness." He groaned, scraping his fingers through his hair and looking up at the ceiling. "I don't know yet, babe. Let me be an ostrich a bit longer? I don't know if I could handle a medical person hovering reminding me I'm sick. Then again, considering the blowout nosebleeds I got last time, I don't want to freak people out if something happens either. Guess I just need to see how I tolerate chemo once it starts. The showrunners said they'll work with the production team around me. Maybe there'll be times of day I'm better, or it might be better to film a whole bunch on my chemo off days. A whole lot of watch this space. Of course it's not dumb that you're scared about everything with Cillian. But I'd bet my life savings - and we know that's no pocket change - that he's just as scared. What's scaring you the most?"

Merlin knew that this soon after Brandon's second cancer diagnosis, there was probably a lot he couldn't unpack yet and he wanted to keep reminding him he was there when he was ready. If he was ready. He also didn't want to keep banging on about it if what Brandon needed more than anything at the moment was their romantic connection and comfort. "I'm going to care for you in all the ways I did back then. In a few weeks, I'll be back in action and feeling a lot better. But if it's a lil' longer, than we can both feel shitty and miserable together. We're not foreign to that and I think we got pretty damn good at it for a time there. We'll just try and see how we go. It might be nothing like the first time, or it's Groundhog Day. We've got this." He smiled and invited Brandon into some more kisses, taking the chance to touch him and caress him, enjoy the peace while they had it. He couldn't think about worst case scenarios and he was going to try the best he could not to until the time came that it was vital to. "Oh, hey, we all know I'm terrible with booze too so that's not a bad thing. You know what I wanna do later when we're both getting tired? Watch our wedding video. I dunno, I'm just feeling kinda nostalgic and wanna remember it all. It was such a hard day but it was beyond amazing. It was the day everything changed and we started to get hope you could beat it. Like, I still remember as clear as a crystal Lachlan telling us I was the bone marrow match."

"I'm really tired, darlin'. Not like I need sleep. The other sorta tired. I ain't sure I really fully recovered from that the first time. It's okay, though. I don't know if it's a bad thing to say that out loud. Slowing it all down a little. At least, everything not getting you started on treatment because time is so important there. If we focus on that and I think about the best way to go into stuff with Cillian, it's a good place to start to it ain't too overwhelming. Do you want me to talk to Jess about what sorta support you might be able to get at work if it comes to that? You got the resources, we should use them if we need to." It was his turn to look up at the ceiling, puffing his cheeks out with a held breath before releasing it. "That we won't like each other or have anything in common. That we won't know how to talk. That I don't feel any sorta connection like Justin did with his dad and Jess did with his bio family. 'Cause I think I want that on some level... maybe? I don't know for sure, it just sounds nice. But then, I'm scared it'll push my family away because I want that. It's weird and scary and I don't really know how I'm 'sposed to be feeling."

Which was exactly what was playing on Brandon's mind above all else, knowing that there was no question Merlin would just step up as his husband and carer again. Not because there was no choice but because it was just who Merlin was. Now more than ever, that perhaps made a lot of sense. They always knew he shared Jesse's blood and Jesse kindness and compassion in spades. But they now also knew Merlin's biological father was a decorated war hero with a highly successful medical career in the military and beyond. He knew Merlin hadn't Googled Cillian but Brandon had. He couldn't not. He needed to know who he was coming into their lives and how much he needed to protect Merlin from at this time he was stressed and fragile. Turned out, Cillian downplayed his achievements extensively. Not just how far he got in the British Air Force but that he spearheaded and ran a charity for helping LGBT+ people with spinal chord and brain injuries recover meaning and purpose in their lives after being disabled. He had won awards for his charity work, right up to an OBE, an Order of the British Empire from the Royal Family themselves. Brandon knew after his Google expeditions he went on while Merlin slept and recovered from surgery that he had to trust in the process of his husband forging the relationship with his father that he needed, however that ultimately looked. Regardless, Merlin had genes that came with a big heart and there was no way Brandon could prevent him going all-in if it came to it that Brandon needed a lot of hands-on care again. "We have, for sure. I just wish it didn't have to be what it was. I wanted you to have some peace and I'm not saying that in any way to suggest I don't think you can handle it. Of course you fucking can. I wanted ore for us now, that's all. Groundhog Day is over-fucking-rated. Our wedding video? Wow. Guess we've not watched it in ages. I remember it too. I passed the fuck out from shock, just like I did when Tara and Beau told me it was back. All I wanted was for us to not be locked in fight mode indefinitely. It's pointless thinking that now, though."

"Me too, baby. Me too. I'm nervous about starting chemo again. Hanging out hope that it won't be as bad this time. It's going to be a kick in the nuts if it is. There's still the chance Lachlan will advise that it's best to just go straight in on a second transplant with the extra stem cells he kept stored from last time. That's what I'm most scared of. After what happened last time, and I can't work because I need to be in isolation. I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask Jess for his opinion on it all, if it's something to have on stand-by in case I need it. Screening to find someone sounds like a nightmare, though." He ran his hand softly and slowly up and down Merlin's side, avoiding where he still had the surgical dressings. "I don't think the talking thing is anything you need to worry about. He came looking for you, I think he'll carry it as much as you need him to. Did Justin and Jess feel immediate connection when it happened to them? I wasn't around and I don't think I've heard either of them say. I know Justin's life did depend on it, though, so he must've been terrified so it's natural to feel these things, beautiful. Okay, suggestion? Why don't you ask your mom and dad to come up from SC and stay here for a couple of days? You can chat it all out with them and go into meeting Cillian knowing where you all stand."

"I know what you mean, darlin'. One thing I'd never think is that you believe I can't handle it. Something that you really discount in yourself is how much balls it took for you to trust me to care for you and with your most private, vulnerable aspects of your life when we first met. You never once made me feel like I had to prove that you could trust me or that you doubted I was capable of taking care of you when you were sick. The only thing worrying me about doing it again is that I might lose you. I'm not gonna dwell on it or anything. I know you want to try to go into it this time more prepared and optimistic that it won't be as harrowing. And you should. This time, you're going in with the oncology dream team and we know what chemo did to you last time, so we'll see the signs if it's getting worse again. Is this what we were planning on going into the next phase of our marriage? No. Did we think you were out of the woods and on the home strait? Also no. We won't let it be Groundhog Day, baby. You do whatever you need to do for as long as you think you can manage and I'll have your back every step of the way. My marriage vows are, and always will be, the most sacred things I've ever said out loud. I want you to know I truly mean that." Merlin kissed the tip of Brandon's nose and then his forehead, enjoying the way he was snuggled in against his side. He really wished he could coax Brandon to lie on top of him but that was off the cards until his stomach healed more. "You were feeling so sick that day but somehow, it still turned out to be the most amazing day ever. I thought maybe if things go okay, I could show it to Cillian. If he's interested, that is. Are people really interested in watching other folks' wedding videos? I mean, ignoring the fact TMZ would probably pay a packet for ours because, well, you're you and the tabloids are butthurt you only ever released one wedding photo to the world."

He swallowed, tracing his tongue over his lips to wet them. "I, um... we gotta have a conversation about all that too at some point, darlin'. Not now. They told me in hospital that because I've got an autoimmune condition that is 'active', I think they called it, I can't be your donor again right now. But I know Lachie has some frozen or whatever. And like, maybe I ain't the best match anyway, because of how sick you got with the GvHD. It's a lot to get my head around. I don't wanna prematurely freak out about it." He looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember what he knew of Jesse and Justin meeting their biological families. "Justin, I think it was. Only because he was so starved for love and care by the time he found his dad and Mark had no hesitation stepping up. I wasn't there at the time and by the time I met Jus, he was real close to his dad. I think it was a bit different when he met his birth mom but it was because he was anxious about telling her his realities of being mentally ill. Jess had to learn his dad had passed away too. Even if it was a bit weird at first, they're close now. Shit, all my parents in one place at one time? I think I already feel an anxiety migraine coming on. Like, just ripping the band-aid off, huh?"

Brandon rolled onto his stomach, using Merlin's arm as a pillow to rest his chin on so he could look over his husband's face. "It didn't take any balls at all, my love. I'm not even bullshitting when I say that. From the moment I met you, knowing you and having you in my life was the easiest thing I've ever done. I was literally dying back then. I had nothing to lose putting my complete faith in you but that's not why it was easy. It was easy because every word you said to me was nothing but the truth when I'd gotten so used to being in a world full of bullshit and fuckery. You were a safe haven where I felt like I could breathe again." He snorted with a bit of a laugh at the TMZ comment. "Fuck 'em all. I've said all along to my fanbase that if I ever found The One, my relationship wouldn't be a commodity. I'm for sale, that's enough. I never realised until we had it how much I meant that. I don't know the general interest levels of watching other people's wedding videos but this is your bio dad who seems to be interested in your life. I think it'd mean the world to him if you showed him."

"Not now," he agreed softly, combing his fingers through Merlin's hair. A little part of him wasn't quite ready to confront all this hard stuff yet but it was mostly because he was trying to hold onto some of the peace while they still had it. He knew he couldn't bury his head in the sand for much longer and he'd eventually grab his balls and get it done. This was just one of the a few very difficult conversations they were going to have to have soon. Soon, though, he knew he was going to have to bring up with Merlin that he was having some gut feelings that maybe trying another bone marrow transplant wasn't a good idea when it nearly killed him last time. But he wasn't ready to heap that onto Merlin's shoulders yet. Not while he was recovering from being unwell himself and stress wasn't good for him. "They're conversations we can't have alone anyway. We'd just get upset not having all the information we need. Let's just wait until my appointment with Tara and Lachlan. I need a bit of time to brace myself for it. Maybe you meeting Cillian is the distraction we all need. I know you're scared, baby. But look at it this way, it's a nice location, it's no one's home turf, and there's plenty of space to escape if it gets too much for you. And if things get awkward or strained, it's the beach and you can't get more relaxing than that. Our honeymoon there, I think, was the most relaxed I've ever seen you. Before our wedding too. It's a buffer, it doesn't have to all be a hyper-focus on you meeting your biological dad. I feel like your folks would cherish being involved in it, but also that you'd want them there for you. Have you talked to them about it at all?"

"Some days, I do hate that you're for sale," Merlin admitted, feathering his fingers through the front of Brandon's hair. "I know that's probably violating some of the comments I made back then about being able to handle it. I can handle it. It's more that I feel so helpless when you're having bad days and so many people seem to forget that you're human. Like, I think cancer did humanise you a lot to a portion of your fanbase that believed you were some sort of immortal god. You had so much genuine outpouring of love when you went public with having cancer and I think in a lot of ways, it did buffer everything when I needed to out you. But they're used to the idea of you having and fighting cancer now. Of beating it, even. It was so damn nice when you gave Paris the exclusive interview about your remission, considering he's a survivor himself. That whole thing was just amazing and I still get choked up thinking about the things you said in that interview. But now your fans are used to you being well again and they've been in a permanent state of anticipation about a release date announcement for the next season of Wicked Symphony. That's awesome for the part of you that is for sale but now we're trying to prep to do the horrible stuff all over again, I feel this almost desperation for peace and privacy. At the same time, I know how ready you are to step back into work and everything that comes with it. I'll support you all the way unconditionally. I'm just... I've even been partly feeling like I wanna quit Footloose and showbiz altogether." It was a huge bomb to drop but he didn't even know he meant it until he said it out loud.

He bit his lip, looking at Brandon anxiously. "Say something? I-- no. I haven't talked to them about it. Or anything recently, really. Everything is just... it's just..." He waved his hand a little before resting it on Brandon's shoulder, caressing his fingertips over Brandon's neck. "It's a lot. Everything is a helluva lot. All of it. Not just you being sick again, darlin'. Actually, your stuff feels easy compared to some of the other stuff. At least I know what we're heading into there. I can't even tell if this is just my anxiety or feeling overwhelmed because I'm getting over surgery or if it really is way more than I can handle all at once."

Brandon didn't actually know what to say, despite desperately wishing he had all the right words as soon as Merlin was trying to prompt him to answer. It was probably because he really did not want to fuck this bit up. Merlin wasn't planning on saying any of this, he knew that, but it wasn't strange for his husband to overthink extensively and just throw it all out there when it got to much to sort into compartments in his mind. He pulled himself up into somewhat of a sitting position propped up on his pillows. "No..." He shook his head emphatically, clearing his throat because he knew there was a lot he needed to say but he still wasn't quite there on the specifics. It was so out of the blue and he wanted to support Merlin unconditionally too, just like Merlin did for him, but on this? He just couldn't. Or at least, he really didn't know how to knowing his relapse was why Merlin was feeling like he needed to quit one of the most important things in his life. "I can't back you quitting Footloose, sweetheart. You worked so hard to get there, you're made for that role, Justin adores you as his sidekick in the show, it's everything you want for your career. Don't let me cockblock that. Please, baby. Don't. If anyone's going to quit their job with this, let it be me. If it's too much, then it's my turn to back you. And I realise how fucked that sounds when there's no getting away from the fact I'm sick again and that's going to infiltrate every part of our life but I genuinely mean that if anyone is going to quit their job because of it, it's me. You've put your life on hold long enough for me. I'll quit and it'll solve a lot of problems we're struggling to get our heads around. Maybe it's well overdue anyway. I'm probably just fooling myself I can juggle work and cancer treatment. I just... I don't know who I am without WS. I'm not sure I even know how to navigate peace and privacy without it. You're the most important part of my life. I'll walk from everything to make sure you're okay."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"And I'll bring you heaven if that's what you need, 'Cause you've always loved the hell out of me"

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