dreamlikenewyork | [ TEXT ] To Will @ musthavebeenlove

I'm sorry, excuse me - FUTURE-B-I-L?! WTF have I missed?! You and Amarlie made it official??

Not THAT. Don't be basic. But we officially have a date. And by date, meaning I'm going to stay with her so we can talk business ideas and I'm totally going to officially ask her out. Or at least, I'm going to try but I'm super nervous because I don't want her to think I'm using our business idea to hit on her. This pandemic has totally ruined my lesbimojo. What if she decides she's straight? But first, tell me about Zeke. How bad is it? Are we talking THAT sort of bad?

Lay, don't be dumb. You're smoking hot and girl would be lucky to have you. But seriously, Amarlie's a sweetheart, she wouldn't lead you on like that. She'd be straight, if she was straight. She might not know exactly what she is yet but I'm pretty sure the fact you had hot sex like, how many times now? That's not straight. No, no, no. He hasn't been told he's terminal. But he had his stoma removed as a trial and it hasn't been going well. He's been feeling like hell and was super embarrassed. He kinda told me he wanted a break to spare me but we've talked and it's okay. He's having a bad time of it. He misses Andi and Sash because they were always there when he had rough patches before.

My ex moved back to her home country because I wasn't enough for her. I'm scared, Willy. What if it happens again? Our business idea is REALLY AWESOME and I don't want to put that at risk if things don't work with us. But OMG, she's so hot and has the most gorgeous ass and legs. I can't stop thinking about her. Justin will legit assassinate me with his bare hands if I hurt her. We've only had sex twice and one of those, we were drunk as hell. Aw, the poor thing. It's got to be rough, though, training his body to do the normal thing again. Those 3 went through a lot, honeybunch. It's understandable he misses the folk who got him through the hardest times before. But you can too. You told him that, right?

She moved back because she was homesick and you didn't want to leave your home. I don't think she ever thought you weren't enough for her. There's no way you're not enough for anyone, Lay. You're one of the most amazing people in the universe. It won't happen again because I know you and Amarlie will figure out what page you're on before you take any leaps of faith together. But I get it, that's exactly what I'm dealing with dating Zeke right now. I'm scared history will repeat. Justin made sure I got over my basic bitchness with some words of wisdom, though. I did tell him, in between him feeling crap and sleeping a lot. He's just feeling so poorly, it's hard to feel good about anything. He's not pushing me away now though.

Do you know if she's visited Justin and Sash? I kind of heard through a friend she wanted to when the Aussie state borders opened again. She was going to Sydney or something. I feel like such a bitch because I didn't want her to. Everything was so hard back then, I wanted a clean break. Do you think I should ask Amarlie if she knows about her sexuality or just roll with it and see where it goes? I'm basically moving in with them so we can work together but all this is so new to me. It's not only just us, the Transcendent Trio of Polyawesomeness will be there too. What I mean is, do I ask to talk this stuff through or just chill and see how it vibes? You know you were always such a sweetheart hands-on caring for Jus, right? You haven't forgotten that? Because you were. He told me that. You've got this, Willy.

Maryanne? No, she definitely hasn't. Justin had a bad episode and Sam's been sick. In between that, Justin's been spending a lot of time with his birth mom. Zeke told me that, Sash told him. Mum and Dad said Australia's pretty covid-clear now but people are still being cautious. You're not being a bitch, you were blindsided by the breakup. I know how it feels, remember? It's okay to need the clean break like Justin did with me. Don't let it all cockblock your new potential relationship, though. I think you should have a heart-to-heart with Amarlie. She's a sweetheart, I know she'll talk to you about where she stands. Just tell her you're nervous and hesitant. Yeah, I get that now. Z's just super embarrassed about stuff and he's thinking a lot about death. You just do when you have cancer. He's pre-empting bad news, which makes his recovery harder.

OMG, I have a hard lady crush on his birth mom. She's so gorgeous. I think I might have a type...

I'm just still a bit angry she waited until the last minute to spring it on me. But Amarlie's here and she said she plans on staying, even if her folks are in SanFran. Should I talk to her before or after we start talking about our business? Hey, I get that. You used to get super embarrassed with chemo sometimes when it was all throwing up and the runs. I still remember your really bad days. Have you talked to him about your experiences with it? I know you were younger but it still was only really a few years ago. You guys still haven't had sex, have you? That'd be hard too.

Blonde, sexy, smart, and family to Justin Campbell? Can't say I opposed, that's some epic family DNA going on there. You have competition with Sam, though.

And that's cool, Lay. You're allowed to be angry. Just don't let it bleed into giving things a go with Amarlie. Let it go. I wish I'd known to do that sooner and not fucked everything up with Justin. Are the guys there with you? Just find a quiet place for you and Amarlie to talk and just talk. Just word vomit if you need to. My experiences with chemo and stuff? Not really recently. Before we started dating and I was keeping him company at chemo. Maybe I should again. No, that's a big issue for him. He's ready for it but his body is betraying him.

Makes sense. If I wasn't gay, I would definitely be drooling all over Jus like a scary fangirl. Sam's the non-scary twin, I'm sure I could take him.

I promise, I'm over it. I've moved on. I guess I'm just territorial over my boys. I thought I had a forever deal but turns out I never did, so I'm still on the lookout for my perfect lady. Who knows, maybe I've found her? But I will 100% respect her if she decides she just had a bit of momentary bi-curiosity. The guys will be there, I think, but she definitely emphasised we'd have privacy, so there's that. I don't want to get my hopes up. You should connect with Z about it all, bb. You had a really rough time with chemo, you do know what he's going through. So... it's been awhile since you got laid. You okay with that?

LOL, oh I know, Lays. You were pretty hot for him before you realised you were a lesbian. Saying that, you were the strongest participant in Woman-Crush-Wednesday than anyone else I know, male or female. My gaydar should've pinged at that. But I still remember how much you were nudging me to ask Justin out when I thought I didn't have the balls for it.

Well, I saw your face after you hooked up with Amarlie when you guys were drunk and you were definitely convinced she was your Disney Princess. Privacy, huh? I wonder what you guys need privacy for, hmmmm? Yeah, I don't feel like I'm missing out not having sex. It's nice to have it but I can't so I wank if I need to. I admit, I do fantasise about Z wanking me off, though. Like, a LOT. I've just never wanted him to feel like I'm one-upping him. That sounds a bit dumb but if it helps, I could talk to him about it. You know how sometimes, when you're feeling really horrible about something, and someone's all "Yeah, I know, I totally had that once too" and it just doesn't help?

Shameless hard yes. I think the teller was I was hot for him in guyliner, fishnets and a corset but not his package in wet-look leather. Well, you were rightfully a big scardie cat. You hadn't dated anyone and you didn't know if he was gay. Plus, he was manic and high, which complicated stuff. How's it going writing his book?

Pfft, she is SO much hotter than all the Disney princesses combined. Oh, shush, you. It's all business until she gives me the green light on getting handsy. Which totally might now happen. Like, she surrounded by LGBTQIAP+ friends and family, no one would blame her if she was just curious or questioning. Booze can do strange shit. Sure, you can get off on your own. Who can't? This is about the whole intimacy thing. Have you got other ways for that? I know you were experimenting-ish before he got really sick. What's the furthest you've gone? But maybe that's what he really needs to hear right now. Why don't you just ask him if it is? It sounds like a situation where black and white will work and grey areas can be figured out as you go. That's kinda what I need to do with Amarlie.

Yes, well, I was hot enough on that front to thaw Antarctica, so there's that. Lays, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you how I should've been when I checked out. You were always there for me, no questions asked, and that's how I repaid you. I know you'll tell me I don't have to be sorry anymore but I am. I wasn't there like I should be when you were realising your sexuality and falling in love the first time. I want to be here for it all with Amarlie. The middle of the nights talking for hours and giving her The Talk about not hurting you. All of it. His book? He's kind of clammed up on me about it. I'm not entirely sure why but I promised him I'd never push him on it.

It's BECAUSE she's surrounded by LGBTQIAP+ people that I don't think she'd ever string you along if she thought she was straight. He's too sick, Lays. He's terrified he's going to die. It's not a priority. I wanna wait until he can. But I know he wants to feel some normalcy so maybe it might take his mind off things. It's been on his mind, worrying I'll never find him sexy. That's never going to be. He's gorgeous.

You know, I'm starting to think our Jus has a type... men who apologise for things they don't need to. I'll accept it because you want me to but this is the last time I will. You're here now and that's all that matters. None of that was about me. You and Justin were dealing with shit no one our age should have to and it was really fucking scary. We all have each other again now. That's what matters. And don't worry, if something happens with Amarlie, I'll be making up for lost BFF time taking your ears off, so there's that. Do you think it's about his mom? I could ask him, that's not you pushing him. Maybe he's getting cold feet about it.

You're right. She's the exception to a lot of rules. I think you should talk to him, babe. Just tell him to say if he doesn't want to. It's just that it sounds like a huge thing to be worrying about, thinking you won't find him attractive. Are you worried about hurting him?

I just wish this fucking pandemic would get its shit together so we can hangout as a squad again. I didn't realise how much everyone felt like family until we just couldn't chillout together whenever we felt like it. Yeah, I think it's something around his mum but more like him not really knowing who he's supposed to be now. I touched on it a bit with him and he said he was suppressing feeling angry about it because he wasn't ready to feel it yet. I remember how angry he used to feel about missing so much time with his dad. He's probably feeling similar. Maybe he doesn't want to have his life story in a book anymore because he doesn't know what it really is anymore.

So... you want to date her, have something serious with her, or just a bit of fun? Yeah, I worry about that a lot. He's really fragile and in a lot of pain. But I'm also worried he thinks that because I used to have sex with Jus, I expect it with him because he's my boyfriend. Or I NEED it and he's lacking as a boyfriend because he can't do it. That's the last thing I want him to feel because I don't need it.

Hearing you, baby. Loud and clear. I feel like I'm missing a limb not having our tribe in easy reach. I miss everyone like crazy. You could be right about that, you know. Think of how many times he's had to confront these massive things happening to him that changes his life, changes the goal posts. He's probably just exhausted. How much of the writing did you get done before he clammed up? I think he would've told you if he wanted to pull the plug on it all. Didn't he make a pact with you to do that if it got too much?

Can it be all of the above? Or any of the above? I just want to hold her and kiss her and lie awake talking to her about anything and everything. Okay but how can you hurt him more than cancer already is? You can only help and find different ways things can work. You've got to bring all this up with him. He might need to talk it out too.

Yeah, he did. And honestly, he hasn't been evasive when the subject's come up. There's something else going on. Probably something to do with him not being able to perform beyond anything in front of a screen. It's a huge part of his life, what keeps him alive. Saying that, he did say he was offered some contract but didn't know if he was going to do it. We're not really working on it in a linear way, I just write chapters as he talks about stuff. Jus has never been linear about anything.

You need to just show her that. She's not had any of it before. Dudes have treated her like crap. I know, because Justing told me al the creative ways he will hurt the next person who hurts her. So, don't be that person. Be YOU, Lays. You're incredible. Emotionally? I can hurt him emotionally.

[ TEXT ] To Will @ musthavebeenlove

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