[ TEXT ] To Will @ musthavebeenlove

[friendsforever]

So, I just heard from my future-brother-in-law that Zeke's been really sick and you're going to stay with him for awhile. 1) Why did I have to find out from my future-brother-in-law who is currently on the other side of the world, and 2) OMG are you both okay, is there anything I can do to help???

Comments

[musthavebeenlove]

Yes, well, I was hot enough on that front to thaw Antarctica, so there's that. Lays, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you how I should've been when I checked out. You were always there for me, no questions asked, and that's how I repaid you. I know you'll tell me I don't have to be sorry anymore but I am. I wasn't there like I should be when you were realising your sexuality and falling in love the first time. I want to be here for it all with Amarlie. The middle of the nights talking for hours and giving her The Talk about not hurting you. All of it. His book? He's kind of clammed up on me about it. I'm not entirely sure why but I promised him I'd never push him on it.

It's BECAUSE she's surrounded by LGBTQIAP+ people that I don't think she'd ever string you along if she thought she was straight. He's too sick, Lays. He's terrified he's going to die. It's not a priority. I wanna wait until he can. But I know he wants to feel some normalcy so maybe it might take his mind off things. It's been on his mind, worrying I'll never find him sexy. That's never going to be. He's gorgeous.

[friendsforever]

You know, I'm starting to think our Jus has a type... men who apologise for things they don't need to. I'll accept it because you want me to but this is the last time I will. You're here now and that's all that matters. None of that was about me. You and Justin were dealing with shit no one our age should have to and it was really fucking scary. We all have each other again now. That's what matters. And don't worry, if something happens with Amarlie, I'll be making up for lost BFF time taking your ears off, so there's that. Do you think it's about his mom? I could ask him, that's not you pushing him. Maybe he's getting cold feet about it.

You're right. She's the exception to a lot of rules. I think you should talk to him, babe. Just tell him to say if he doesn't want to. It's just that it sounds like a huge thing to be worrying about, thinking you won't find him attractive. Are you worried about hurting him?

[musthavebeenlove]

I just wish this fucking pandemic would get its shit together so we can hangout as a squad again. I didn't realise how much everyone felt like family until we just couldn't chillout together whenever we felt like it. Yeah, I think it's something around his mum but more like him not really knowing who he's supposed to be now. I touched on it a bit with him and he said he was suppressing feeling angry about it because he wasn't ready to feel it yet. I remember how angry he used to feel about missing so much time with his dad. He's probably feeling similar. Maybe he doesn't want to have his life story in a book anymore because he doesn't know what it really is anymore.

So... you want to date her, have something serious with her, or just a bit of fun? Yeah, I worry about that a lot. He's really fragile and in a lot of pain. But I'm also worried he thinks that because I used to have sex with Jus, I expect it with him because he's my boyfriend. Or I NEED it and he's lacking as a boyfriend because he can't do it. That's the last thing I want him to feel because I don't need it.

[friendsforever]

Hearing you, baby. Loud and clear. I feel like I'm missing a limb not having our tribe in easy reach. I miss everyone like crazy. You could be right about that, you know. Think of how many times he's had to confront these massive things happening to him that changes his life, changes the goal posts. He's probably just exhausted. How much of the writing did you get done before he clammed up? I think he would've told you if he wanted to pull the plug on it all. Didn't he make a pact with you to do that if it got too much?

Can it be all of the above? Or any of the above? I just want to hold her and kiss her and lie awake talking to her about anything and everything. Okay but how can you hurt him more than cancer already is? You can only help and find different ways things can work. You've got to bring all this up with him. He might need to talk it out too.

[musthavebeenlove]

Yeah, he did. And honestly, he hasn't been evasive when the subject's come up. There's something else going on. Probably something to do with him not being able to perform beyond anything in front of a screen. It's a huge part of his life, what keeps him alive. Saying that, he did say he was offered some contract but didn't know if he was going to do it. We're not really working on it in a linear way, I just write chapters as he talks about stuff. Jus has never been linear about anything.

You need to just show her that. She's not had any of it before. Dudes have treated her like crap. I know, because Justing told me al the creative ways he will hurt the next person who hurts her. So, don't be that person. Be YOU, Lays. You're incredible. Emotionally? I can hurt him emotionally.