dreamlikenewyork | "At least we got good friends giving me great times."

"At least we got good friends giving me great times."

Who: Justin Campbell and Amarlie-Rose Satori with anyone else who wants to jump in
What: Overdue Squad Chillout
Where: Casa de Campbell, Upper East Side
When: Weekend Sleepover

It had been way too long since their squad had a decent hangout. There had been the holidays and a bunch of family shit going on - not to mention Justin discovering he had a long-lost biological birth mother out there who loved him - that time just got away and they hadn't had a chance to get together as a group. Those of them that lived at Casa de Campbell decided this weekend was it, and PJs and hot chocolate were a much, considering they were expecting snow. It was the shitty weather that had them deciding a sleepover would be fun. There was plenty of room and it would give them the chance to hang out and have fun, especially with Justin's tour due to kick off in a few weeks where he and a lot of his friends who worked with him would be on the road soon.

Dressed in his fluffy rainbow onesie PJs, Justin grabbed a Krispy Kreme donut and a can of Diet Dr Pepper and leapt over the back of the couch, dropping in the spot right up next to his sister, Amarlie, giving her a mischievous grin. "So - how about them vajayjays?" he asked pointedly, licking some donut glaze off his pinkie finger.

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Justin focused on his donut for a moment while he listened to Amarlie stream-of-thought her way through this a little He got that. It's apparently how he worked through things when he felt like talking, though he never realised he was doing it at the time. "My hands are never too full for my family. Ever. That's not even a thing. I wouldn't be breaking out into the recording industry if it was. I mean, are you ready for this, sis? Ready to analyse this and soul-search yourself. It's okay if you're not. That's something you can do on your own schedule. Your sexuality is your business and you can deal with it how you need." He had a mouthful of his Dr Pepper, washing the donut down. "How did I know? Hmm... I get asked that a lot. Seeing as you're being honest with me here, I can tell you this... I spent a few years at least thinking the abuse made me gay. That it was because... just... it's all I knew. I waited to be attracted to girls. I let grown-assed chicks do whatever they wanted to me to try to turn on my straightness. I only felt truly safe about it when I came to live with Dad and he protected me. Sexuality isn't cut and dried for a lot of people, Mars. You don't have to have all the answers to know, either. Sometimes, you just have a gut feeling. Or look at Sash. His very sexuality meant figuring his sexuality out was impossible until he test-drove it."

"Yeah, I really am. I've been trying to soul-search myself ever since I decided to find Gen. We all know that was nearly a disaster. But this? I think that maybe I've been wondering if I'm partly gay for awhile. I just don't know what the label would be or how I'm supposed to figure it out. Lesbian, bi, pan... fluid?" With a tiny frown, Amarlie searched Justin's face with what he just said and felt that knot of sickness twist inside her when she thought about him being sexually abuse. It was unfathomable to imagine what happened to him from a very young age. He was kidnapped from his birth mom for that sole reason. "How did you figure out you were just born that way and not forced into it? You own is so well and I know that's a part of you that you love and you want to champion. How do I make the leap and figure it out? Did you just get to the point one day where it was undeniable? What do I even do to figure it out? Ask her out?"

"All valid options. And we have at least one of each in this room tonight if you wanted to talk about it. Granted, if you're looking for the benefits of being bi beyond dicks and boobs, Sky's probably not the best candidate for that job. There's always Uncle James or if you wanted a girl, there's Angela. Thing is, sis... everyone figures out their sexuality in different ways. Some like to test drive, some just know, some try out a few options before they figure out what best fits. You're partway there, on some level. You had sex with a girl and liked it. I think you maybe need to try it sober, though. And yeah, why not ask her out on a date? It doesn't have to ultimately mean something but Lay would never expect it to if you're not sure." Justin thumbed the ring on the Dr Pepper can, making a soft twang sound each time he did. "It was always undeniable. I just had to drown it out to protect myself. I've never had sexual attraction to girls. It was only when it went beyond sex for me that I was sure. My sexuality for me is a lot more than sex and who I like to have sex with. It's part of my identity and gender expression. I figured it out when I got here and had the safe place to just be. I didn't have that in my past life. I was abused because of it. That's not going to happen to you, okay? Whatever you decide, you're still going to be my favourite big sister and I'm going to love whatever guy, girl, NB person you fall in love with."

Amarlie nibbled the corner of her lip, letting Justin's soft tone help her chillout with all this. For someone with such a powerful singing voice, he was so softly spoken. It was one thing that was a huge surprise for her when she first met him. "I just think that maybe this has always been in me. I don't mean the whole 'born this way' concept. I know that and it's true but this is the first time I've really noticed it. And I don't know if it's just because Layla is so gorgeous and was really, really skilled, so to speak. All I keep thinking is that it had to be the booze but I don't think so. Was Will the first guy you slept with?" She stopped, hating that she stumbled on a trigger for Justin and didn't want to stir him up or ruin his night. "Consensually, I mean," she corrected softly and kissed his temple in apology.

Justin nodded, smiling and gave his sister a tiny poke in the arm. "Even still, it's okay if it feels strange. We're not supposed to just know ourselves. That's why we get this whole puberty teenage shit to figure some of it out. Even then, it's not that easy. We know people who have taken longer to figure out their sexuality. Not because they didn't necessarily know or realise but because they hadn't had the right person to get to that point with. I mean, look at Hunter. He thought he was straight until he met Cruz. Sash didn't know he liked guys until he met me. Being drunk just might've helped you get the courage to try it. And you liked it. I think that's pretty cool." He briefly watching Will talking to Layla and nodded. "He was the first time I made love with anyone. That's the best way to put it. My history with Will was... well, it was awhile before we got to that point. He helped me understand what real sex was and that it was safe. Not a weapon. Not abuse. That's a pretty powerful thing that I'll never not love him for. Without that, I wouldn't have had any of this with Sash or the comfort with my sexuality I have now. It's special to have someone like that to explore with, Mars."

"What did I do to deserve the most amazing little brother like you? There I was thinking not having any siblings was the best thing because I could pick my own but I couldn't have been more wrong. You know this stuff. Maybe not in the same way but in the ways it matters. And you know what? I don't think I've ever had that. The special. What you have with Sash, what you used to have with Will. It's what I want but I have I been looking for it in the wrong places?" Amarlie pulled her lips to the side and snorted in amusement. "Don't worry, I promise I'm not having an identity crisis or anything. I'd definitely wait on that until after your tour. I just feel like I'm at a crossroads. Not just about my sexuality. Austin offered me a job. An actual top designer who designs for Hollywood red carpets wants me to work for him. I don't even know if I'm good enough. What if I suck at that and suck at sexuality? How do I know what the right things are?"

"Just breathed, clearly, because you're the the best big sister a dude could ever want. Don't be showering around all that love and not expect it to come back to you, sis. Well, I do know being confused about what I'm feeling inside when it comes to sexual things. I know that trying to deny that part of me was damaging to my already fucked up mental health. Even if my shit was pretty in the extreme because I'm bipolar, that doesn't mean you won't experience similar things on a lesser scale because you're not mentally ill. Confusion about sexuality can absolutely cause people depression, especially trying to force a square peg in a round hole... and no, that's not an anal sex metaphor. I'm saying that now you've woken the beast inside, you aren't going to be able to ignore it without it affecting other parts of your life. Looking for something special is a good thing. You should have someone special to explore these things with. It makes a difference. I did it with Will, and I did it all over again with Sash, in different ways. How can you even look for something in wrong places when you haven't been sure what you're really looking for?" Justin sat back, shooting her an exasperated glare. "You ARE so fucking good enough! Don't make me smack you with a pillow. Austin has always been one who wanted his own label but you're the first I ever heard of him contemplate training an intern and mentoring them. This won't be a small choice for him. He sees your talent. And you can't suck at your true sexuality. You can suck at ones you're trying to make fit but don't. Right things? No one knows that until we get them."

Amarlie threw her arm around Justin in a tight cuddle and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "You're my favourite brother. I'm going to keep you, just so you know. You have a scary accurate gaydar. What's it saying about me? How do I know if this is just me trying something out or if I'm gay, or bi, or somewhere else on the spectrum? How do I stop thinking about Layla's body? I feel pervy, damnit." She rubbed her face with a small frustrated moan at herself. She was raised by the most open and accepting parents you could think of, in an extremely inclusive city, with family and friends all across the LGBT+ spectrum. It shouldn't be so hard for her to figure out. "Why did you choose Austin to design your tour outfits? You would've had your pick of top designers but he said you went out of your way to track him down in LA and paid for him to come back for this when he had what sounds like a really painful divorce because he was a cheater. Don't get me wrong, his style is right up your alley. He's not afraid of glam, camp, or couture. But I know you, there had to ba reason you wanted him. Every single thing about this tour, you have intricately designed and all of it has special reasons for you."

Justin tilted his head, contemplating her question and wiped the smear of lipgloss she left on her cheek with the back of his hand. "I think that sexuality isn't about just trying something out. I think that if it was an error of judgement because you were drunk, it wouldn't be playing on your mind right now. You wouldn't be shooting little glances her way and you wouldn't be driving yourself nuts trying to figure this out. I think that because you are means that you're denying yourself something that could feel really nice at this stage, which is something a lot of people do because of their situations or fear. You have nothing to fear, Mars. If you like girls, we're all going to love any girlfriend you have because she makes you happy. And if she doesn't, I will find creative ways to make her hurt. But... buuuuuuuut... the beauty of this? I know Layla. I've known her for a long time and she's one of the best chicks I've ever met and I've met some awesome ones. You know what that means, though? If you hurt her, I might have to find creative ways to... well, you get the gist." He gave her a gentle nudge with his shoulder, smiling. "I chose Austin because he's still in love with Beau. I love his work but to design for my tour and the press circuit attached to it all, he'd have to be here. I'm not saying they're gonna fall back in love or anything like that. I just don't think their ending needs to be sad. Depression's really tough, Mars. It makes it easy to forget the good times. Beau's facing that. We go to the same therapist clinic and he's good company in the waiting room."

Amarlie kissed Justin's cheek and squeezed him, resting her hand against his. "I should'ved just talked to you, like, as soon as it happened, huh? You could've spared me a whole lot of headache-inducing overthinking and trying to convince myself she and I wouldn't be a good idea. And the weird part is, I didn't even really have a reason for that but the fact she didn't break up with Maryanne all that long ago was a convenient one. How do I figure out if I'm a lesbian or bi? Or even pan. I know that's an option. How did you know you were gay? Was it just thinking about sex with guys or perving on only guys, something like that?" She nodded, a forehead furrowing when Justin brought up Beau. "How much do you know about Beau? About their marriage and how they were? I know Beau had cancer. Austin mentioned that. But other than that, it was just a passing reference to his ex being here and having to avoid him. It was actually Gen who mentioned to me that Beau was his husband. I didn't even realise it was the same Beau who was Brandon's doctor. I've not really met him, only been at the same parties sometimes. He has depression? Is that why they divorced?"

"Hell, no. You should've talked to me when you're ready to. Ready to talk about it all. It's not always an immediate thing. Some people just know and don't need to question it. Others, it takes time to understand what you're feeling. That shit's even harder when there's booze involved. Okay, so friendship loyalty is a tough one but Maryanne's moved back home for good. It was too hard for her being away from home. Like, Dad's been here for ages now but he still has days he gets homesick and doesn't wanna be living in America. They split amicably, sis. Layla wouldn't have done anything with you if she didn't want it. She's smart as hell." Justin grabbed a jelly snake from the candy bowl, winding it around his finger so it was more of a fidget spinner than anything else. "I knew because I kept fantasising about a happy and safe life with a guy somewhere well away from Chicago. I mean, I eventually got it but back then, it was a protective mechanism. I wanted to find my dad and when I fantasised a happily ever after, it was with a guy. The sex stuff, it was too complicated to understand back then. I don't even really understand it now, save for what I've dealt with in therapy."

He gave her a squinty-eye look of scrutiny, wondering if she was trying to find reasons to convince herself she wasn't good enough to work with Beau. "Beau and Austin were amazing togther. But Beau was badly sick. Brandon-level sick. For the second time in his life. He'd written himself off well and truly but I think when he survived, he didn't know how to keep living. He lost his footing. He talked to me about it some when I was in hospital. He visits whenever I'm in. Austin cheated on him but I don't know the ins and outs. But when they were together, they were amazing, even all through the cancer stuff."

"Sooo... has she said anything to you in general about dating or wanting to see people? Or maybe if there's anyone she's interested in? I mean, I know it might not be something that's just come up in general conversation because her breakup wasn't all that long ago, but she's close with you. You're close with everyone. You have this inate way of getting us all to confide in your because you're a great listener. But I know things have been crazy for you recently. How's it going with Alexis and her family? Does it still feel weird or are you getting a little more used to it? Or third option, you're too fucking busy to analyse it too closely? Don't give me that look. I'm not trying to change the subject," Amarlie added sheepishly. Justin had this way of calling people out without needing to say a word, with one look. "Austin cheated? This was after Beau went into remission, right? I'm not even going to pretend I get a single bit of how complicated life must be after surviving cancer. People just assume all will be well but how does that work when it's one of the worst things people can go through?"

Justin started to laugh, dropping his head back against the sofa. "I was waiting to see if you would hit me up on any intel. I'm going to let you squirm for a bit first and tell you something about her I know you don't know because it took a bit of a backseat when she came on board and started working with SoV&R. Lays doesn't just want to be a regular run of the mill Social Worker. Ever since she helped Will through his chemo fight, she's wanted to work with teen cancer survivors. That's the specialty she wants to get into and she has a special interest in LGBT+ teens who survived life-threatening illnesses. Some of the kids our charities work with fall into the categories of both Shades of Violet and Shades of Rainbow. They have mental health struggles because of what they went through with the physical illnesses, and some are LGBT+. They're the ones Layla loves volunteering with. She also has a dream of starting her own non-profit business working with a fashion stylist partner, giving makeovers to teens fighting through chemo to help them reclaim their identities and figure out who they are after living for so long with an illness defining them. Meaning, she has a yearning to work closely with a fashion stylist partner..." He trailed off, knowing it wouldn't take long for Amarlie to connect the dots.

He shrugged, sipping his soda. "I think things might feel weird with my new family for awhile. Months, maybe even years. It's not a bad weird, though. Not uncomfortable or painful. I've gone through so much since I was a kid that changes who I am or who I thought I was. It's happened multiple times, even, since I found Dad. I'm used to it. This is just... I never knew it. It's not even something you make up in your head about where you came from. The weirdest part it, it all makes so much sense, the more I learn. That's the life I should've had. It would've been so nice, so normal. She would've even told Dad I existed, so I would've known him forever too. I'm not analysing it closely because I know what it'll stir up, so I'm focusing on the positives."

Amarlie leaned close, listening to Justin fill her in on details she had clearly somehow missed. Eyes narrowed a little in concentration. Then she blinked, connecting all the dots. "Are you... serious? She's always wanted this? Why haven't I heard about it? That's incredible. That's... shit. Do you know how much I would kill to work on something like that? Before I came to New York, I'd never faced anyone with cancer before. It never came close in my family but now I know my biological grandmother died from it. Then Paris. Will. Zeke. Brandon. Paris. Has she talked to him about this? He would love to be involved. Oh fuck! You think she would want me as a partner? Oh my god..." She felt a heat creep into her cheeks, like she was too embarrassed to think she had the skill for something like the dream Layla had. She looked over to Layla - the first girl she had ever had sex with, had sexual interest in - and felt a thrill rush through her. "I wouldn't want to hijack her dream, though."

"Sure it will. I understand that. I felt exactly the same when I came to New York to see Gen... and you. Man, I was shitting myself about meeting you. Remember you thought I was a crazy stalker fan at first? I freaked you the out," she reminded him, giving him a tiny playful poke in the belly. "But I knew Gen existed forever. I knew who she was for years before I decided I wanted to meet her. You didn't know about your birth family, so it's going to feel constructed, I guess is the word I'm looking for. Like someone's just handed you this neatly wrapped family package but no instructions on how to deal with it. Everything you've been through, though, Jus... you've still been the same person the whole time I've known you. Holding onto your identity's important to you. But it probably feels like this could change you. How do you feel about her dating Sam?"

"She hasn't spoken to me about her vision in a long time but I know back when she was first thinking about it, she wanted to do it with someone who shared the same passion for it as she did. Lays is a fashionable chick and loves her shopping but she doesn't have the design taken she needs. Her strength is in being a people person and a nurturer. I did promise to invest in it whenever she decided she wanted to roll with it. But she never asked. I thought she might've shelved it until after college but why does she have to if she can find someone to work with her? You should talk to her about it, not me. I'm just the messenger. I have a Stylist who tells me what to wear and when. Fashion's not my gig either, no matter how many people assume I'm an expert. You've seen what I live it away from the spotlight," Justin reminded her, smirking. He snorted and waved his hand. "Are you kidding me right now? No one achieves a dream on their own. It takes a team. If she could do it alone, she would've done it by now. She won't know you're interested unless you tell her."

He raised an eyebrow at her and laughed. "How could I forget that? Girl, you got me at a bad time. I can't remember exactly what bad time it was but it wasn't personal. I'm okay with that part. Uncle Sam deserves someone amazing and I think she is. I can't get caught up in the surrealness of it all or thinking any of it's weird. The whole thing is weird. My life is one big crazy pile of weird. I just wanna find a groove, which is the hard part. There's so much going on. Having time with them all helps but I know it's weird for them too. Of course it is, they spent eighteen years thinking I must be dead. That's got to feel more strange than not knowing anything of the truth at all."

"Why does it always feel like your eyes are drilling into my conscience when we have talks like this? I swear, you can read my freaking mind and that's not fair because I can never figure out exactly what you're thinking when we have D-and-Ms." Amarlie restlessly looped her hair around her finger, trying hard not to stare at Layla. Justin wasn't just pulling this out of his arse to firm up his point. This was far too complex a thing, it was something that Layla really confided in him about, likely ages before Amarlie even met him. She knew Layla had gotten close to Justin way back when he and Will were still together. Amarlie only came onto the scene after he and Will had split up. It felt too good to be true, she was scared to think she could be the person Layla was looking for to partner with. "Fashion's not your gig? Bitch, you're the prince of one of our industry's most dynamic fashion royalty teams. You were a trendy short and there's a hundred different cheap knock-offs on it on eBay within the week. You've got a look that can pull of any style so don't BS me, little bro. This is going to sound so stupid but I'd be scared to design for sick people in case I didn't give them what they hoped for."

She patted his shoulder, watching his face as he spoke. "They probably wondered a lot what you would be like, every time your birthday came and went. What you would look like, all that stuff. I've had an abortion and even if I have no regrets about it and it was the right thing, I wonder what a kid of mine would've been like. Your musical talent comes from them. Was it a mindfuck to learn about that? Hard, too. You must be wishing you could've shared your musical achievements with them. I think that's the part that made me ultimately reach out to Gen and want to meet her and Paris. I couldn't deny the inherited love for fashion. It was too big a part of me to ignore."

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"At least we got good friends giving me great times."

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