Sasha Martin Stanford (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beautifulday) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
dreamlikenewyork2019-11-15 04:00 pm
beautifulday) wrote in dreamlikenewyork2019-11-15 04:00 pm
"We'll always be best friends."
Who: Sasha Stanford, Zeke Wyatt, Cassidy Cohen and Tori Kingston
What: Best Friends are Gold
Where: En-route to Vermont
When: Simultaneous to this
Sasha laughed as he watched Justin move over to where Will was sitting, enjoying how much Justin was in the moment after all the mess with his recent suicide attempt and subsequent renal dialysis from fucking his kidneys with the pills. The road trip turned out to be an excellent idea. The lakehouse was relaxing and private, it would give them the breather they needed and help Justin kickstart himself back in the right direction. After all Sasha’s anxiety issues, it was a relief to see him turn the corner to get back on track.
After the shock plot twist with Alexis, everyone had been bracing themselves for Justin to have an emotional crash with that but he hadn’t. He did crash out for a few days and slept but he was in a good mental place when he woke up, his moods finally getting back an equilibrium. Their trip to Vermont would kill a few birds with one stone. Justin and Will could work on their book, they could all catch up as friends with Zeke needing a breather from his cancer treatment, and Justin was going to use the wide open space with excellent acoustics to do some vocal and dance training to recondition and get back on his feet with tour rehearsals.
And today, Justin was looking particularly delicious in his ripped black skinny jeans, sequinned Balmain bomber jacket, a black scarf with rainbow crystal rhinestone edged around his neck, tight black leather fingerless gloves, and back to wearing his glam makeup that drove Sasha wild. It was all a good sign he was feeling better. It wasn’t like he intended to get it on with Justin in the bathroom. He was his typical ace self, as always. But sometimes Justin had this way of flicking his switch on the spur of the moment, especially when he looked this hot. After everything that happened, Sasha found himself eager to have Justin intimately close, which tended to ease into sex. It was reconnecting. They always did it after Justin’s rough patches, like he needed to remind himself Justin was still alive.
“I knew this was going to be the best road trip I’ve ever been on,” Tori laughed, scratching Dory’s ears where she had settled herself between him and Cas in the booth. The staff hadn’t minded her coming in with them, seeing she was a therapy dog, two beats before they realised she was Justin Campbell’s therapy dog. Thankfully, the diner wasn’t busy so Justin seemed happy enough to take a few selfies with the staff, give a few autographs… then they left him in peace, before he and Sash disappeared into the bathroom together. He gave Sasha a mischievous smile over the top of the menu. “Dude, hickey alert.”
Sasha hastily tugged the collar of his shirt up, cussing under his breath and flipping Tori off before he grabbed a menu. “It’s been a stressful few weeks, give a dude a break. Jeezus,” he snorted in amusement. “And before anyone reminds me I’m ace, look at him! We’ve established he’s my grey exception to the ace rules.”
“Okay, okay, okay… I wanna know something,” Zeke jumped in, spinning the laminated menu on the tabletop. “Being ace, how did you know you were ready to give up your V-card to him? Did it just happen? Like, did the horny light suddenly come on and you realised you were ready? Because seriously, I feel hot for Will, like, all the damn time but my dick just won’t come to the party. It’s frustrating as fuck. I’ve literally never been able to jerk off.”
Cassidy pressed her lips together in sympathy, reaching over to give Zeke’s hand a pat. “Don’t worry, I’m still a virgin too. It’s a huge deal.”
Sasha skimmed the menu but everything seemed too stodgy and heavy. He wasn’t even sure he was hungry. “Still not sure about the Viagra, buddy? You know, Merlin said Brandon used it for their wedding night. Maybe you could talk to him when he’s feeling a bit better.” He thought back to his and Justin’s first time. Or two first times. “Do you mean the first time we had sex in general or the first time I bottomed. They were pretty, uh… different. Justin’s, like… you know… got excellent genes…”
Tori snorted with a laugh. “Hung like a donkey? No wonder so many chicks buy those front row Footloose tickets. What do you mean by different, dude? I heard Viagra has weird side effects and shit. But it still might be worth the shot, if you and Will are at that place. Cas is right, it can take time for some people.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready. I mean, I feel like it sometimes and I just totally want to get the deed done but maybe emotionally not ready. That’s why I’m curious about Sash and Jus. You guys had a pile of hurdles but figured it out.” Zeke decided on grilled cheese and 7Up. “You guys haven’t done it yet? I get that, with Cas having surgery and all. See, that’s another thing. I look like Frankenstein with all my scars and I’ve still got the bag. Which sucks balls.”
“Well, I guess it was more the emotional thing for me, yeah,” Sasha mused with a nod. They had to pause the conversation to place their orders and he settled on chicken noodle soup and Seltzer. “Our first-first time, I topped. Our second first time, I bottomed and that was… like, for a bit there, I seriously didn’t know if I ever wanted to do it again. Jus called me out on it, when we were in London. I’m not even joking, it hurt to sit down and go to the bathroom. Don’t laugh! I’m legit serious. It freaked me out for a bit. But I realise now it was because I was anxious and tense. I got used to it after awhile, once we figured out our groove together. Which is what happens the more comfortable you get around each other. I was nervous as hell our first time. I was worried I’d hurt him, and like, l had his whole past at the back of my mind because that’s always a factor, even in the background. Okay, let me try to explain… I didn’t feel any urge to have sex. I still don’t. I don’t think it’s like what you all feel and have the urges for. But my romantic attraction is top notch, so that helps. Wanting to feel him close, kisses, cuddles, snuggling. I can still get turned on. My anatomy does its thing because us dudes know we can’t really help that. But I kinda just knew I was ready. It was the natural next step and it really did just happened naturally once day when we were snuggling in bed. And when I seem hot for Justin, it’s more aesthetic desire than sexual. Does that even make sense?”
Cassidy was nodding, smiling. “It does, sweetie. To be honest, I thought maybe I might be a bit ace at first but it turned out to just be misguided dysphoria. It changed a lot once Tor and I got closer. We say we haven’t done it but we’ve done other stuff. I’ve been trying to get used to my body, which has taken a lot longer than I thought. It was definitely an emotional thing. That’s the thing, Zeke honey… it’s different when there are external forces interfering. My bottom surgery for us, and Tor’s been working through depression from losing Andi and finding out things about the day she died. Jus and Sash had Justin’s illness and Sash’s anxiety, plus he’s been dealing with grief too. You and Will, you’ve got cancer and you’re having chemo. Will’s been trying believe he’s got worth after splitting with Justin. Things just get in the way. And I don’t know about you guys but I want the first time to special, so I guess that’s more pressure. Do you want that or is that some sort of idealistic thing?” She put her hand on Tori’s tight, giving it a gentle squeeze. This was the first time they had openly spoken with their friends about their relationship stuff. It was nice they all trusted each other that much.
“Yeah, I definitely do. But it’s getting in the right headspace,” Tori agreed and gave Cassidy a soft kiss, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I don’t care how long we have to wait. I’d rather it be a really special moment, where Cas feels comfortable and ready. I haven’t been in a great frame of mind on and off since I heard Andi went by assisted dying. Which I know it weird because she was terminal, so we were expecting the end. I didn’t expect it to be such a mindfuck. I like the idea of sex one day just being a nice icing on the relationship cake thing. Like, you come home from work and want to snuggle, then it just happens. I don’t think it’s idealistic, beautiful. People are allowed to want it to be nice and special. I know it was for Sash, he’s told me before.”
Sasha nodded, sitting back in the booth while his gaze shifted briefly to Justin and Will chatting at the end of the diner counter. “It was really special for us. Justin had a lot of psychological and emotional stuff to get through first. It was after Bondi, you know? That’s exactly what it’s like for us now, though, T, and it is really nice. But we don’t have the sex life everyone thinks we do. It just seems like we’re always at it. More often than not, we’re just making out. He really respects my sexuality. Sex isn’t the be all and end all for us. I don’t think it ever will be. It might be awhile before you’re ready to go through with it, Z. Your body’s been put through the wringer. You’ve had three surgeries this time around. I know Merlin and Brandon did the Viagra thing but it wiped him out. He ended up in hospital again because his blood count was really low.”
Zeke exhaled heavily, resting his elbows on the counter while he watched Will quietly. “Okay, here’s the thing… and I apologise in advance Sash, but… Justin is a massive act to follow. And I’m… me. Gut full of tumours, on chemo, belly that looks like a fucking patchwork quilt, a bag, puking practically an Olympic sport for me now. I’m seriously going to be a flop compared to Justin. I’ve seen Footloose. I’ve seen how he moves. It’s a hard act to follow.” He shrugged and stopped there when the waitress was bringing their drinks over.
“He’s an actor, buddy. When he’s on stage, he’s someone else. Look, I get why you might have the impression but trust me, Justin’s not an overly sexual guy. He’s romantic and passionate but he’s not as sexual as people might think. You ask Will. He’ll tell you that too. With Justin’s past, he’s a lot more vanilla than people think. But the most important point is, Will won’t be comparing you to Justin when you’re together any more than Justin’s compares me to Will. You’re going to immediately hold yourself up to Justin as his ex but you’re just messing with your own head. Trust me, when the time comes, you’re not thinking about anyone else but each other.” Sasha patted Zeke on the back, giving him a smile. “You’re so hard on yourself. But I know how much cancer can rob you of. Justin has scars and I’ve seen him through all sorts of weird and wonderful medical interventions when he’s been sick, and I still love him. I still want to make love to him when he’s well. Have you talked to Will about this stuff? What about you guys, have you talked about it, when you might be ready?” he asked Cas and Tori sitting across from them.
Dory had her fill of them at the booth and after checking on Sash, headed over to sit at Justin’s feet. She didn’t mind hanging out with them all now she saw them as basically her fur-aunts and fur-uncles but it was only ever a limited time before she moved back to Justin. Tori shifted closer to Cas and put his arm around her. “Sure, we’ve talked about it. Maybe not as much recently as we did before but we decided together to wait because Cas needed more time to adjust to her body and I fucked myself up with delayed grieving or something… I’m not even sure what it was, I just knew it hurt and it wouldn’t stop. It wasn’t the right time for us. But you’ve got to talk to Will about this stuff, dude. I agree. Even if it’s hard and you’re nervous or worried. Hell, I was so freaking nervous when I had the feeling for Cas because I was worried about getting it wrong or offending her. She was worrying I wouldn’t be turned on sexually because she was trans. So totally not right, by the way. But if we didn’t talk to each other, we’d still be stressing about this stuff.”
“Cas is epic hot stuff, like whoa. If I was straight, she’d totally be my type,” Zeke agreed, holding his hand up over the table to share a High-5 with Tori. “I just feel so behind everyone. Which is okay, because I know I am. I just don’t like feeling it. I want to be ready because I’m really conscious of the fact when there’s two guys in the equation, you don’t need two working cocks to have sex. It’s actually kind of ideal because my butt mechanics are disconnected and I think about it all the time. I’ve talked about it with Shan, even. But when I do it, I wanna be all-in, you know? Pardon the pun. It’s not about just wanting it to be special… it’s about wanting to be present and involved. That’s not too much to ask for losing my V-Card, is it?”
Sasha draped his arm around Zeke’s shoulders, shaking his head. “Not at all, buddy. That makes sense and I think that’s two things people don’t think about enough when they lose their virginity. Or they take it for granted, rather. But I also feel it’s my duty as your best friend to let you know that bottoming’s pretty damn nice and it’s really intimate. I think if you’re in love with a guy, that’s about as present and involved you can get. It’s okay if you want to wait until you get better or feel better. But I feel like you are ready, you’re just scared to try in case it doesn’t work. That’s normal, Z. You’ve been sick for a good portion of your life since puberty. Maybe you could talk to Brandon about the Viagra thing, if he wakes up and starts to feel better. You guys got pretty tight having chemo together. Did he say anything about it? It’s okay not to have any sex drive with chemo but you have breaks and you still have those normal urges.”
The conversation paused while their food was delivered to their table and Cassidy handed Tori the ketchup without even thinking, knowing he liked it on his fries. Once they were alone again, she tipped her head in thought. “Hasn’t Justin used Viagra at times when he’s, um, not in working order with his depression meds? Sorry if I’m putting that out there and it’s not widely known. I just remember him considering it, I think. It could’ve been awhile ago. It’s not a recent thing or anything. He’s clearly in working order at the moment,” she added with a laugh.
“Really? Now I just want to totally ask him what it was like taking it,” Tori admitted, curiosity piqued. He accepted the ketchup with a smile and thanked Cas with a kiss, then stole one of her onion rings with a grin.
“Dude! You holding out on me? You never said J had to pop those pills!” Zeke broke the corner of one of his grilled cheese triangles off and popped it in his mouth.
Sasha sprinkled his soup with some salt and nudged the shaker back into the centre of the table. “He tried it once. He hated it. It made him really agitated and feel like he had things crawling under his skin, then he got dizzy and passed out. This wasn’t with me. It was when he was still with Will. Don’t take that as anything though, dude. I think it did work but he was too agitated to do anything with it because by that point, it set him on edge and he didn’t want to be touched. Justin’s not a common case. He has sensitivities to some drugs. If I remember rightly, though, it was something Will considered because he was still having issues from when he had chemo? I couldn’t be wrong.”
“See, if I was a guy, I don’t know if I’d want to try it. Then again, I know it’s important too. It’s easy for us virgins to say we wouldn’t want to but I bet once you start doing it and being intimate with someone, you kind of want to keep doing it.” Cassidy offered Tori a bite of her chicken wrap. “Does Jus ever get like that in the middle of things? Like, he starts okay but then doesn’t want to be touched and wants to stop? When we first met, I remember him telling me he had this fear if he was making love with someone and it would make him remember things he didn’t want to remember. This was well before I knew what he meant by that.”
“No, not like that. We don’t do anything if he’s feeling emotionally shaky. It’s best to just wait until he’s okay for that reason. If he’s shaky, he’s more open to triggers. We only really do it when he’s well or recovered enough to be feeling himself again. I’d never want to make him feel like that. I want to be his safe place. I guess that’s the thing about sex with someone you’re in love with. There’s so many levels to it. It’s not just about getting off, even if that feels pretty good,” Sasha added, smirking while he teased the noodles in his soup with his spoon.
Zeke tugged his lips to the side, eyes shifting to Will again. “We should talk more. I need to tell him this stuff. He probably thinks it’s all just down to chemo and stuff. “But, hey… tell us about his mom. You met her, yeah? Is she like him? Is she nice?”
“Oh, yeah! How crazy is that, huh? How did he even find out?” Tori asked.
“I saw her photo. She’s, like, supermodel gorgeous. I think he really looks like her. You put him in between her and his dad, you can see he’s their son. Apparently the horrible woman who tried to claim him as hers had dark hair and eyes.” Cassidy dropped her voice and leaned over the table. “He’s holding up okay with it all? He seems to be doing well. He was in hospital last we saw him. I didn’t want to jump in and interrogate him. He’s usually got to be ready to open up about these sorts of things.”
Sasha hummed softly in thought, shrugging. “I think it’s too early to predict what’s going to happen but I met her and her parents, so Justin’s grandparents. They’re totally nice and seem to want to have him in their lives so much, which is sweet. His mom, Alexis, is super pretty. She’s tall and so is her dad, so that’s obviously where Jus got his height from. I just don’t think they really know what all this is supposed to look like now. I mean, imagine having your brand new baby kidnapped the day he’s born, thinking he’s dead when the case goes cold, then discovering he’s alive but pretty seriously sick eighteen years later and has been abused because he was stolen by an evil person. Like, I practically have a heart attack when I think Dory’s wandered off for three seconds. This is your own baby, and you get him back when he’s pretty much an adult, but now he has a whole new family and parents, you’ve not see him grow up. On top of that, he’s famous. It’s a lot of emotions. You can’t really make up for eighteen years, so they just have to work through it from now on. Jus is okay… he’s been talking about it and I think it’s a relief in a lot of ways after everything’s he’s been through. But I’m worried it might hit him hard later.”
“Like, his folks are okay too, yeah? Mark and Gen?” Zeke asked, because even as Sasha started unpacking this whole thing, it opened up even more. “What about you too? I know you mostly just focus on how he is and you worry so much about him, which is how it should be, but they’re going to be your in-laws and everything’s changed for him. Do you think his family will get along with them?”
Cassidy looked over at Justin, trying to analysing how he was with this whole thing from the view they had of his back. He and Will looked like they were having a pretty big D&M, which was sweet. She knew they would always have a connection as close friends. They still both really cared about each other. “I think if his dad felt it was going to be too hard on him right at this time, he would’ve hold off and told them they had to wait until he recovered more. Which means Justin’s in an okay place for it, which shows in how he’s responded. I couldn’t believe it when he told us. How do you think they’ll be when they see him badly sick for the first time?”
Sasha had pretty much no appetite, even if he was only having soup. He still tried because he knew Justin worried about him too. Before they even got out of the car, Justin was fussing over him, double-checking how he was, if he was hungry, if he was okay driving to Vermont. That’s the part he loved about their relationship the most, it was always give and take in equal measures. “Yeah, I mean, I think the best thing to do was all get together and meet, start talking and getting to know each other, for Justin’s sake. I know him, probably more than I know myself, and he would worry how his mom and dad would feel if he wanted a relationship with Alexis. Especially Gen. He would worry she might feel he was trying to replace her but no one thinks that, least of all Gen. Justin needs to know who and where he really came from, that it’s not his fault he’s broken, that he’s innately unloveable with bad genes. Plus, that side of his family, the music and dance is in his blood. He’s felt displaced with that his whole life, but it’s what saved his life. They’re over the moon to know he’s inherited those talents too. They were smitten when he sung and played for them. We’re all going to get together for a huge interconnected family dinner for the holidays. It’s going to be nuts,” he said with a laugh. He had a bit more soup and shrugged. “I think they’re going to find it really confronting when they see him sick for the first time. Just like I did. It only made me love him more, though.”
“How’s he been since the suicide attempt? Cas went to see him in hospital but he was pretty low and fell asleep. Every time something happens, his fans start speculating he’s going to leave Footloose and cancel his tour. Pretty sure he would rather let a shark bite his balls off than do either. I’ve asked him about the tour but he’s adamant he would have to be near-dead for it not to go ahead.” Tori was pretty much annihilating his burger and fries but he noticed Sasha wasn’t eating much. “You okay, buddy? Not hungry?”
Zeke was watching Sash with his soup too. It wasn’t often someone had a worse appetite than he did. “Yeah, you seem a little off, dude. No one would blame you if you’re still feeling blah after all the stress and your anxiety playing up. You going to be okay to drive the rest of the way? We’re here for you. Even me, who’s pretty useless but if there’s anything I can do, I’m here. Even if it’s nice he’s found his real mom and all, it’s still be some epic huge shit.”
With a sigh, Sasha sat back in the booth. “It’s just taking me longer to get back on top of everything. I think it’s because when I found him, I thought he was dead. I was panicking so much, I couldn’t find a pulse. I don’t even know how I remembered to do CPR. It’s all this big blur but I’d be lying if I said I was over it. I’m not yet. But it’s okay, he and I keep talking about it through. See, people probably wonder what an ace wanker like me does with all their spare time not having sex, but it’s that. Talking and sleeping. Oh, and stressing. I do stressing really well. That’s why getting away for a few days is awesome. Maybe my anxiety can chill the fuck out and I can catch up with everything. Jus has been okay since he met his mom and can get the dialysis at home while he’s asleep at night. Even still, his kidney function is getting better. He’s back to his old self and his moods have stabilised again. We’re definitely ready to have some fun. So, we’re not going to let this be all drama stuff! We should go back to talking about Zeke bottoming.”
Zeke snorted, laughing as he nudged Sash with his shoulders. “Hey, we should go back to talk about Tori and Cas losing their V-card too! Legit, we all need to have a party if we get the deed done or something. There was once upon a time everyone thought Sash would be the last to lose it. To think, none of us realised he was ace back then.”
Tori snickered, watching Sash over the top of his chocolate milkshake. “I think Andi knew on some level. She never tried to matchmake you, except maybe with Justin. But I don’t even think that was it. She thought he had a boyfriend when she started the Make-a-Wish thing. She was only on board with that after you met him and found out he was single.”
“I so wish I could’ve met her. She sounds like the coolest chick,” Cassidy said, rubbing Tori’s knee. “You guys were BFFs since, like, grade school or something, right?”
Sasha nodded, smiling. “We moved to Boston after Dad’s accident because they this top specialist for quadriplegia. We pretty much lived in a hotel for about a year, give or take. Ben, Tori and Andi’s dad, took Dad’s compensation case on and that’s how we knew the house nextdoor to them was for sale. He also knew a specialised builder who could convert it with full disabled access for Dad, which was ultimately an entire rebuild when all was said and done, and none of them charged us a cent. Everyone was so freaking kind, especially Tori and Andi’s family, above all else. That’s how we got so close, so I guess I was about seven when she and I started being friends. I wasn’t talking, at all. She still wanted to be my friend. She was happy to do all the talking and put up with me. She was the most amazingly sweet person and she would’ve loved you all. Sorry, T. It’s okay, we don’t need to keep talking about it.”
Tori still got really emotional talking about Andi and he couldn’t answer. The immediate lump in his throat was back and he knew if he tried to get words out, he would full-on cry while he was managing to hold back the tears. Just. “Jeezus, some days it feels like it’ll never stop hurting,” he finally got out when he managed to grab his composure back again. “I used to talk to her about everything. I think that’s the hardest part. That she’ll never know Cas, and I’ll never know her first girlfriend.” He put his arm around Cas again, kissing her cheek.
“Yeah, but she would’ve loved all this, guys. I’m totally speaking from experience here but when I think about all this having the worst outcome, all I would want to know is everyone I was leaving was happy and okay. That’s what she was trying to do towards the end. You run out of time to do everything you want to do because you’re too sick, so you focus on the only things that matter. She wanted you all to be loved and cared for,” Zeke murmured and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ve felt like I might not make it this time more often than not and I know it’s been hard to understand that she chose to go sooner but this thing, guys, it’s really awful when it gets to the worst place. It’s like, I think, once you know the worst, the longer it goes on, the longer you have to hurt everyone you love. You don’t want to see them hurting.”
“It’s just not fair. People like the evil bitch who kidnapped Justin as a baby got to keep living and harming innocent people, and people like Andi get cancer and die. But I know you’re right, Z. I know she’s watching over us, though. I know that for certain. And I know she watches Justin and I truly believe she’s blocking him getting through the light or something. He’s seen her, I know that for sure too. He doesn’t remember anything but when he had that big operation on his stomach, he came out of the anesthesia asking for her. So, if nothing else, there’s that.” Sasha had as much of the soup as he could manage, so he pushed the bowl aside and focused on his drink.
Cassidy was fortunate that no one in her family had been touched by cancer, but it had been a deeply emotional reality check when Zeke got sick, then Merlin fell in love with Brandon. Plus, there was Tori, who she loved so much. He dealt with his grief of losing his sister every day. Some days, he struggled to function through it. It was an awful, horrific thing. “Don’t laugh or anything, but have you guys ever thought about seeing a Medium or something? She might have messages or even just a way to bring you some peace. With what Sash and Justin have experienced, there’s got to be something in it. It won’t stop it hurting but it might give you some peace, that maybe wherever she is, she’s okay.”
Tori nodded slowly, not sure how he felt about it but it wasn’t something he had thought about. Not because he didn’t believe, because he really did. After everything Sash had said, it was just unexplainable. “Yeah, I mean… I guess. It’d all just feel pretty final if it happened, though. Which is strange, because death is supposed to be final, but it’s felt anything but.”
“We should do it. All go together. If we can find one that seems really good. And nice. I don’t think Andi could talk to just any rando dude trying to talk to spirits,” Sasha laughed, wondering what she would have said when she was alive to all this. “You think we should?”
Zeke sat back, holding his hands up. “I’m in! You never know, might need to keep them on speeddial if this bitch doesn’t concede defeat to chemo eventually. I’ll know where to look you all up.”
Sasha put his hand over Zeke’s mouth. “Shhh. No talk like that. We’ll cross that bridge if it comes. Until then, I want you on physical speeddial, thank you very much. Anyway, we know Ands. She might kick you out at the Pearly Gates too and tell you to get your ass back to your body, stat.”
Tori laughed at that, nodding. “Yep, she totally would. I think we might be stuck with you, dude. Okay, sure. Count me in. But I’m not going to deal well with it and I’ll probably be a mess for days after it but, okay. I’m willing to give it a try. Maybe it can help with the whole… choosing when to go thing.”
“On that note, I need to take a wiz and we should probably get back on the road so we get to VT in a good time. Lunch is on me.” Sasha slipped out of the boot and took his wallet out, tossing some cash on the table. Then he patted Zeke and Tori on the back and leaned over to kiss Cassidy’s head. “I love you guys more than you can know. Never change.”
LOG, COMPLETE
What: Best Friends are Gold
Where: En-route to Vermont
When: Simultaneous to this
Sasha laughed as he watched Justin move over to where Will was sitting, enjoying how much Justin was in the moment after all the mess with his recent suicide attempt and subsequent renal dialysis from fucking his kidneys with the pills. The road trip turned out to be an excellent idea. The lakehouse was relaxing and private, it would give them the breather they needed and help Justin kickstart himself back in the right direction. After all Sasha’s anxiety issues, it was a relief to see him turn the corner to get back on track.
After the shock plot twist with Alexis, everyone had been bracing themselves for Justin to have an emotional crash with that but he hadn’t. He did crash out for a few days and slept but he was in a good mental place when he woke up, his moods finally getting back an equilibrium. Their trip to Vermont would kill a few birds with one stone. Justin and Will could work on their book, they could all catch up as friends with Zeke needing a breather from his cancer treatment, and Justin was going to use the wide open space with excellent acoustics to do some vocal and dance training to recondition and get back on his feet with tour rehearsals.
And today, Justin was looking particularly delicious in his ripped black skinny jeans, sequinned Balmain bomber jacket, a black scarf with rainbow crystal rhinestone edged around his neck, tight black leather fingerless gloves, and back to wearing his glam makeup that drove Sasha wild. It was all a good sign he was feeling better. It wasn’t like he intended to get it on with Justin in the bathroom. He was his typical ace self, as always. But sometimes Justin had this way of flicking his switch on the spur of the moment, especially when he looked this hot. After everything that happened, Sasha found himself eager to have Justin intimately close, which tended to ease into sex. It was reconnecting. They always did it after Justin’s rough patches, like he needed to remind himself Justin was still alive.
“I knew this was going to be the best road trip I’ve ever been on,” Tori laughed, scratching Dory’s ears where she had settled herself between him and Cas in the booth. The staff hadn’t minded her coming in with them, seeing she was a therapy dog, two beats before they realised she was Justin Campbell’s therapy dog. Thankfully, the diner wasn’t busy so Justin seemed happy enough to take a few selfies with the staff, give a few autographs… then they left him in peace, before he and Sash disappeared into the bathroom together. He gave Sasha a mischievous smile over the top of the menu. “Dude, hickey alert.”
Sasha hastily tugged the collar of his shirt up, cussing under his breath and flipping Tori off before he grabbed a menu. “It’s been a stressful few weeks, give a dude a break. Jeezus,” he snorted in amusement. “And before anyone reminds me I’m ace, look at him! We’ve established he’s my grey exception to the ace rules.”
“Okay, okay, okay… I wanna know something,” Zeke jumped in, spinning the laminated menu on the tabletop. “Being ace, how did you know you were ready to give up your V-card to him? Did it just happen? Like, did the horny light suddenly come on and you realised you were ready? Because seriously, I feel hot for Will, like, all the damn time but my dick just won’t come to the party. It’s frustrating as fuck. I’ve literally never been able to jerk off.”
Cassidy pressed her lips together in sympathy, reaching over to give Zeke’s hand a pat. “Don’t worry, I’m still a virgin too. It’s a huge deal.”
Sasha skimmed the menu but everything seemed too stodgy and heavy. He wasn’t even sure he was hungry. “Still not sure about the Viagra, buddy? You know, Merlin said Brandon used it for their wedding night. Maybe you could talk to him when he’s feeling a bit better.” He thought back to his and Justin’s first time. Or two first times. “Do you mean the first time we had sex in general or the first time I bottomed. They were pretty, uh… different. Justin’s, like… you know… got excellent genes…”
Tori snorted with a laugh. “Hung like a donkey? No wonder so many chicks buy those front row Footloose tickets. What do you mean by different, dude? I heard Viagra has weird side effects and shit. But it still might be worth the shot, if you and Will are at that place. Cas is right, it can take time for some people.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready. I mean, I feel like it sometimes and I just totally want to get the deed done but maybe emotionally not ready. That’s why I’m curious about Sash and Jus. You guys had a pile of hurdles but figured it out.” Zeke decided on grilled cheese and 7Up. “You guys haven’t done it yet? I get that, with Cas having surgery and all. See, that’s another thing. I look like Frankenstein with all my scars and I’ve still got the bag. Which sucks balls.”
“Well, I guess it was more the emotional thing for me, yeah,” Sasha mused with a nod. They had to pause the conversation to place their orders and he settled on chicken noodle soup and Seltzer. “Our first-first time, I topped. Our second first time, I bottomed and that was… like, for a bit there, I seriously didn’t know if I ever wanted to do it again. Jus called me out on it, when we were in London. I’m not even joking, it hurt to sit down and go to the bathroom. Don’t laugh! I’m legit serious. It freaked me out for a bit. But I realise now it was because I was anxious and tense. I got used to it after awhile, once we figured out our groove together. Which is what happens the more comfortable you get around each other. I was nervous as hell our first time. I was worried I’d hurt him, and like, l had his whole past at the back of my mind because that’s always a factor, even in the background. Okay, let me try to explain… I didn’t feel any urge to have sex. I still don’t. I don’t think it’s like what you all feel and have the urges for. But my romantic attraction is top notch, so that helps. Wanting to feel him close, kisses, cuddles, snuggling. I can still get turned on. My anatomy does its thing because us dudes know we can’t really help that. But I kinda just knew I was ready. It was the natural next step and it really did just happened naturally once day when we were snuggling in bed. And when I seem hot for Justin, it’s more aesthetic desire than sexual. Does that even make sense?”
Cassidy was nodding, smiling. “It does, sweetie. To be honest, I thought maybe I might be a bit ace at first but it turned out to just be misguided dysphoria. It changed a lot once Tor and I got closer. We say we haven’t done it but we’ve done other stuff. I’ve been trying to get used to my body, which has taken a lot longer than I thought. It was definitely an emotional thing. That’s the thing, Zeke honey… it’s different when there are external forces interfering. My bottom surgery for us, and Tor’s been working through depression from losing Andi and finding out things about the day she died. Jus and Sash had Justin’s illness and Sash’s anxiety, plus he’s been dealing with grief too. You and Will, you’ve got cancer and you’re having chemo. Will’s been trying believe he’s got worth after splitting with Justin. Things just get in the way. And I don’t know about you guys but I want the first time to special, so I guess that’s more pressure. Do you want that or is that some sort of idealistic thing?” She put her hand on Tori’s tight, giving it a gentle squeeze. This was the first time they had openly spoken with their friends about their relationship stuff. It was nice they all trusted each other that much.
“Yeah, I definitely do. But it’s getting in the right headspace,” Tori agreed and gave Cassidy a soft kiss, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I don’t care how long we have to wait. I’d rather it be a really special moment, where Cas feels comfortable and ready. I haven’t been in a great frame of mind on and off since I heard Andi went by assisted dying. Which I know it weird because she was terminal, so we were expecting the end. I didn’t expect it to be such a mindfuck. I like the idea of sex one day just being a nice icing on the relationship cake thing. Like, you come home from work and want to snuggle, then it just happens. I don’t think it’s idealistic, beautiful. People are allowed to want it to be nice and special. I know it was for Sash, he’s told me before.”
Sasha nodded, sitting back in the booth while his gaze shifted briefly to Justin and Will chatting at the end of the diner counter. “It was really special for us. Justin had a lot of psychological and emotional stuff to get through first. It was after Bondi, you know? That’s exactly what it’s like for us now, though, T, and it is really nice. But we don’t have the sex life everyone thinks we do. It just seems like we’re always at it. More often than not, we’re just making out. He really respects my sexuality. Sex isn’t the be all and end all for us. I don’t think it ever will be. It might be awhile before you’re ready to go through with it, Z. Your body’s been put through the wringer. You’ve had three surgeries this time around. I know Merlin and Brandon did the Viagra thing but it wiped him out. He ended up in hospital again because his blood count was really low.”
Zeke exhaled heavily, resting his elbows on the counter while he watched Will quietly. “Okay, here’s the thing… and I apologise in advance Sash, but… Justin is a massive act to follow. And I’m… me. Gut full of tumours, on chemo, belly that looks like a fucking patchwork quilt, a bag, puking practically an Olympic sport for me now. I’m seriously going to be a flop compared to Justin. I’ve seen Footloose. I’ve seen how he moves. It’s a hard act to follow.” He shrugged and stopped there when the waitress was bringing their drinks over.
“He’s an actor, buddy. When he’s on stage, he’s someone else. Look, I get why you might have the impression but trust me, Justin’s not an overly sexual guy. He’s romantic and passionate but he’s not as sexual as people might think. You ask Will. He’ll tell you that too. With Justin’s past, he’s a lot more vanilla than people think. But the most important point is, Will won’t be comparing you to Justin when you’re together any more than Justin’s compares me to Will. You’re going to immediately hold yourself up to Justin as his ex but you’re just messing with your own head. Trust me, when the time comes, you’re not thinking about anyone else but each other.” Sasha patted Zeke on the back, giving him a smile. “You’re so hard on yourself. But I know how much cancer can rob you of. Justin has scars and I’ve seen him through all sorts of weird and wonderful medical interventions when he’s been sick, and I still love him. I still want to make love to him when he’s well. Have you talked to Will about this stuff? What about you guys, have you talked about it, when you might be ready?” he asked Cas and Tori sitting across from them.
Dory had her fill of them at the booth and after checking on Sash, headed over to sit at Justin’s feet. She didn’t mind hanging out with them all now she saw them as basically her fur-aunts and fur-uncles but it was only ever a limited time before she moved back to Justin. Tori shifted closer to Cas and put his arm around her. “Sure, we’ve talked about it. Maybe not as much recently as we did before but we decided together to wait because Cas needed more time to adjust to her body and I fucked myself up with delayed grieving or something… I’m not even sure what it was, I just knew it hurt and it wouldn’t stop. It wasn’t the right time for us. But you’ve got to talk to Will about this stuff, dude. I agree. Even if it’s hard and you’re nervous or worried. Hell, I was so freaking nervous when I had the feeling for Cas because I was worried about getting it wrong or offending her. She was worrying I wouldn’t be turned on sexually because she was trans. So totally not right, by the way. But if we didn’t talk to each other, we’d still be stressing about this stuff.”
“Cas is epic hot stuff, like whoa. If I was straight, she’d totally be my type,” Zeke agreed, holding his hand up over the table to share a High-5 with Tori. “I just feel so behind everyone. Which is okay, because I know I am. I just don’t like feeling it. I want to be ready because I’m really conscious of the fact when there’s two guys in the equation, you don’t need two working cocks to have sex. It’s actually kind of ideal because my butt mechanics are disconnected and I think about it all the time. I’ve talked about it with Shan, even. But when I do it, I wanna be all-in, you know? Pardon the pun. It’s not about just wanting it to be special… it’s about wanting to be present and involved. That’s not too much to ask for losing my V-Card, is it?”
Sasha draped his arm around Zeke’s shoulders, shaking his head. “Not at all, buddy. That makes sense and I think that’s two things people don’t think about enough when they lose their virginity. Or they take it for granted, rather. But I also feel it’s my duty as your best friend to let you know that bottoming’s pretty damn nice and it’s really intimate. I think if you’re in love with a guy, that’s about as present and involved you can get. It’s okay if you want to wait until you get better or feel better. But I feel like you are ready, you’re just scared to try in case it doesn’t work. That’s normal, Z. You’ve been sick for a good portion of your life since puberty. Maybe you could talk to Brandon about the Viagra thing, if he wakes up and starts to feel better. You guys got pretty tight having chemo together. Did he say anything about it? It’s okay not to have any sex drive with chemo but you have breaks and you still have those normal urges.”
The conversation paused while their food was delivered to their table and Cassidy handed Tori the ketchup without even thinking, knowing he liked it on his fries. Once they were alone again, she tipped her head in thought. “Hasn’t Justin used Viagra at times when he’s, um, not in working order with his depression meds? Sorry if I’m putting that out there and it’s not widely known. I just remember him considering it, I think. It could’ve been awhile ago. It’s not a recent thing or anything. He’s clearly in working order at the moment,” she added with a laugh.
“Really? Now I just want to totally ask him what it was like taking it,” Tori admitted, curiosity piqued. He accepted the ketchup with a smile and thanked Cas with a kiss, then stole one of her onion rings with a grin.
“Dude! You holding out on me? You never said J had to pop those pills!” Zeke broke the corner of one of his grilled cheese triangles off and popped it in his mouth.
Sasha sprinkled his soup with some salt and nudged the shaker back into the centre of the table. “He tried it once. He hated it. It made him really agitated and feel like he had things crawling under his skin, then he got dizzy and passed out. This wasn’t with me. It was when he was still with Will. Don’t take that as anything though, dude. I think it did work but he was too agitated to do anything with it because by that point, it set him on edge and he didn’t want to be touched. Justin’s not a common case. He has sensitivities to some drugs. If I remember rightly, though, it was something Will considered because he was still having issues from when he had chemo? I couldn’t be wrong.”
“See, if I was a guy, I don’t know if I’d want to try it. Then again, I know it’s important too. It’s easy for us virgins to say we wouldn’t want to but I bet once you start doing it and being intimate with someone, you kind of want to keep doing it.” Cassidy offered Tori a bite of her chicken wrap. “Does Jus ever get like that in the middle of things? Like, he starts okay but then doesn’t want to be touched and wants to stop? When we first met, I remember him telling me he had this fear if he was making love with someone and it would make him remember things he didn’t want to remember. This was well before I knew what he meant by that.”
“No, not like that. We don’t do anything if he’s feeling emotionally shaky. It’s best to just wait until he’s okay for that reason. If he’s shaky, he’s more open to triggers. We only really do it when he’s well or recovered enough to be feeling himself again. I’d never want to make him feel like that. I want to be his safe place. I guess that’s the thing about sex with someone you’re in love with. There’s so many levels to it. It’s not just about getting off, even if that feels pretty good,” Sasha added, smirking while he teased the noodles in his soup with his spoon.
Zeke tugged his lips to the side, eyes shifting to Will again. “We should talk more. I need to tell him this stuff. He probably thinks it’s all just down to chemo and stuff. “But, hey… tell us about his mom. You met her, yeah? Is she like him? Is she nice?”
“Oh, yeah! How crazy is that, huh? How did he even find out?” Tori asked.
“I saw her photo. She’s, like, supermodel gorgeous. I think he really looks like her. You put him in between her and his dad, you can see he’s their son. Apparently the horrible woman who tried to claim him as hers had dark hair and eyes.” Cassidy dropped her voice and leaned over the table. “He’s holding up okay with it all? He seems to be doing well. He was in hospital last we saw him. I didn’t want to jump in and interrogate him. He’s usually got to be ready to open up about these sorts of things.”
Sasha hummed softly in thought, shrugging. “I think it’s too early to predict what’s going to happen but I met her and her parents, so Justin’s grandparents. They’re totally nice and seem to want to have him in their lives so much, which is sweet. His mom, Alexis, is super pretty. She’s tall and so is her dad, so that’s obviously where Jus got his height from. I just don’t think they really know what all this is supposed to look like now. I mean, imagine having your brand new baby kidnapped the day he’s born, thinking he’s dead when the case goes cold, then discovering he’s alive but pretty seriously sick eighteen years later and has been abused because he was stolen by an evil person. Like, I practically have a heart attack when I think Dory’s wandered off for three seconds. This is your own baby, and you get him back when he’s pretty much an adult, but now he has a whole new family and parents, you’ve not see him grow up. On top of that, he’s famous. It’s a lot of emotions. You can’t really make up for eighteen years, so they just have to work through it from now on. Jus is okay… he’s been talking about it and I think it’s a relief in a lot of ways after everything’s he’s been through. But I’m worried it might hit him hard later.”
“Like, his folks are okay too, yeah? Mark and Gen?” Zeke asked, because even as Sasha started unpacking this whole thing, it opened up even more. “What about you too? I know you mostly just focus on how he is and you worry so much about him, which is how it should be, but they’re going to be your in-laws and everything’s changed for him. Do you think his family will get along with them?”
Cassidy looked over at Justin, trying to analysing how he was with this whole thing from the view they had of his back. He and Will looked like they were having a pretty big D&M, which was sweet. She knew they would always have a connection as close friends. They still both really cared about each other. “I think if his dad felt it was going to be too hard on him right at this time, he would’ve hold off and told them they had to wait until he recovered more. Which means Justin’s in an okay place for it, which shows in how he’s responded. I couldn’t believe it when he told us. How do you think they’ll be when they see him badly sick for the first time?”
Sasha had pretty much no appetite, even if he was only having soup. He still tried because he knew Justin worried about him too. Before they even got out of the car, Justin was fussing over him, double-checking how he was, if he was hungry, if he was okay driving to Vermont. That’s the part he loved about their relationship the most, it was always give and take in equal measures. “Yeah, I mean, I think the best thing to do was all get together and meet, start talking and getting to know each other, for Justin’s sake. I know him, probably more than I know myself, and he would worry how his mom and dad would feel if he wanted a relationship with Alexis. Especially Gen. He would worry she might feel he was trying to replace her but no one thinks that, least of all Gen. Justin needs to know who and where he really came from, that it’s not his fault he’s broken, that he’s innately unloveable with bad genes. Plus, that side of his family, the music and dance is in his blood. He’s felt displaced with that his whole life, but it’s what saved his life. They’re over the moon to know he’s inherited those talents too. They were smitten when he sung and played for them. We’re all going to get together for a huge interconnected family dinner for the holidays. It’s going to be nuts,” he said with a laugh. He had a bit more soup and shrugged. “I think they’re going to find it really confronting when they see him sick for the first time. Just like I did. It only made me love him more, though.”
“How’s he been since the suicide attempt? Cas went to see him in hospital but he was pretty low and fell asleep. Every time something happens, his fans start speculating he’s going to leave Footloose and cancel his tour. Pretty sure he would rather let a shark bite his balls off than do either. I’ve asked him about the tour but he’s adamant he would have to be near-dead for it not to go ahead.” Tori was pretty much annihilating his burger and fries but he noticed Sasha wasn’t eating much. “You okay, buddy? Not hungry?”
Zeke was watching Sash with his soup too. It wasn’t often someone had a worse appetite than he did. “Yeah, you seem a little off, dude. No one would blame you if you’re still feeling blah after all the stress and your anxiety playing up. You going to be okay to drive the rest of the way? We’re here for you. Even me, who’s pretty useless but if there’s anything I can do, I’m here. Even if it’s nice he’s found his real mom and all, it’s still be some epic huge shit.”
With a sigh, Sasha sat back in the booth. “It’s just taking me longer to get back on top of everything. I think it’s because when I found him, I thought he was dead. I was panicking so much, I couldn’t find a pulse. I don’t even know how I remembered to do CPR. It’s all this big blur but I’d be lying if I said I was over it. I’m not yet. But it’s okay, he and I keep talking about it through. See, people probably wonder what an ace wanker like me does with all their spare time not having sex, but it’s that. Talking and sleeping. Oh, and stressing. I do stressing really well. That’s why getting away for a few days is awesome. Maybe my anxiety can chill the fuck out and I can catch up with everything. Jus has been okay since he met his mom and can get the dialysis at home while he’s asleep at night. Even still, his kidney function is getting better. He’s back to his old self and his moods have stabilised again. We’re definitely ready to have some fun. So, we’re not going to let this be all drama stuff! We should go back to talking about Zeke bottoming.”
Zeke snorted, laughing as he nudged Sash with his shoulders. “Hey, we should go back to talk about Tori and Cas losing their V-card too! Legit, we all need to have a party if we get the deed done or something. There was once upon a time everyone thought Sash would be the last to lose it. To think, none of us realised he was ace back then.”
Tori snickered, watching Sash over the top of his chocolate milkshake. “I think Andi knew on some level. She never tried to matchmake you, except maybe with Justin. But I don’t even think that was it. She thought he had a boyfriend when she started the Make-a-Wish thing. She was only on board with that after you met him and found out he was single.”
“I so wish I could’ve met her. She sounds like the coolest chick,” Cassidy said, rubbing Tori’s knee. “You guys were BFFs since, like, grade school or something, right?”
Sasha nodded, smiling. “We moved to Boston after Dad’s accident because they this top specialist for quadriplegia. We pretty much lived in a hotel for about a year, give or take. Ben, Tori and Andi’s dad, took Dad’s compensation case on and that’s how we knew the house nextdoor to them was for sale. He also knew a specialised builder who could convert it with full disabled access for Dad, which was ultimately an entire rebuild when all was said and done, and none of them charged us a cent. Everyone was so freaking kind, especially Tori and Andi’s family, above all else. That’s how we got so close, so I guess I was about seven when she and I started being friends. I wasn’t talking, at all. She still wanted to be my friend. She was happy to do all the talking and put up with me. She was the most amazingly sweet person and she would’ve loved you all. Sorry, T. It’s okay, we don’t need to keep talking about it.”
Tori still got really emotional talking about Andi and he couldn’t answer. The immediate lump in his throat was back and he knew if he tried to get words out, he would full-on cry while he was managing to hold back the tears. Just. “Jeezus, some days it feels like it’ll never stop hurting,” he finally got out when he managed to grab his composure back again. “I used to talk to her about everything. I think that’s the hardest part. That she’ll never know Cas, and I’ll never know her first girlfriend.” He put his arm around Cas again, kissing her cheek.
“Yeah, but she would’ve loved all this, guys. I’m totally speaking from experience here but when I think about all this having the worst outcome, all I would want to know is everyone I was leaving was happy and okay. That’s what she was trying to do towards the end. You run out of time to do everything you want to do because you’re too sick, so you focus on the only things that matter. She wanted you all to be loved and cared for,” Zeke murmured and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ve felt like I might not make it this time more often than not and I know it’s been hard to understand that she chose to go sooner but this thing, guys, it’s really awful when it gets to the worst place. It’s like, I think, once you know the worst, the longer it goes on, the longer you have to hurt everyone you love. You don’t want to see them hurting.”
“It’s just not fair. People like the evil bitch who kidnapped Justin as a baby got to keep living and harming innocent people, and people like Andi get cancer and die. But I know you’re right, Z. I know she’s watching over us, though. I know that for certain. And I know she watches Justin and I truly believe she’s blocking him getting through the light or something. He’s seen her, I know that for sure too. He doesn’t remember anything but when he had that big operation on his stomach, he came out of the anesthesia asking for her. So, if nothing else, there’s that.” Sasha had as much of the soup as he could manage, so he pushed the bowl aside and focused on his drink.
Cassidy was fortunate that no one in her family had been touched by cancer, but it had been a deeply emotional reality check when Zeke got sick, then Merlin fell in love with Brandon. Plus, there was Tori, who she loved so much. He dealt with his grief of losing his sister every day. Some days, he struggled to function through it. It was an awful, horrific thing. “Don’t laugh or anything, but have you guys ever thought about seeing a Medium or something? She might have messages or even just a way to bring you some peace. With what Sash and Justin have experienced, there’s got to be something in it. It won’t stop it hurting but it might give you some peace, that maybe wherever she is, she’s okay.”
Tori nodded slowly, not sure how he felt about it but it wasn’t something he had thought about. Not because he didn’t believe, because he really did. After everything Sash had said, it was just unexplainable. “Yeah, I mean… I guess. It’d all just feel pretty final if it happened, though. Which is strange, because death is supposed to be final, but it’s felt anything but.”
“We should do it. All go together. If we can find one that seems really good. And nice. I don’t think Andi could talk to just any rando dude trying to talk to spirits,” Sasha laughed, wondering what she would have said when she was alive to all this. “You think we should?”
Zeke sat back, holding his hands up. “I’m in! You never know, might need to keep them on speeddial if this bitch doesn’t concede defeat to chemo eventually. I’ll know where to look you all up.”
Sasha put his hand over Zeke’s mouth. “Shhh. No talk like that. We’ll cross that bridge if it comes. Until then, I want you on physical speeddial, thank you very much. Anyway, we know Ands. She might kick you out at the Pearly Gates too and tell you to get your ass back to your body, stat.”
Tori laughed at that, nodding. “Yep, she totally would. I think we might be stuck with you, dude. Okay, sure. Count me in. But I’m not going to deal well with it and I’ll probably be a mess for days after it but, okay. I’m willing to give it a try. Maybe it can help with the whole… choosing when to go thing.”
“On that note, I need to take a wiz and we should probably get back on the road so we get to VT in a good time. Lunch is on me.” Sasha slipped out of the boot and took his wallet out, tossing some cash on the table. Then he patted Zeke and Tori on the back and leaned over to kiss Cassidy’s head. “I love you guys more than you can know. Never change.”
LOG, COMPLETE